We are meant to find joy

It's been a while. Every once in a while, I get the urge to write, but it's usually too sensitive and personal so I keep it in my journal. But today, I started writing in my journal and was led back here to finish some of my thoughts.

I've been struggling. My pregnancy is HARD. Being a mom is hard. Being a pregnant mom to a toddler is hard. I could go on, but let's just sum it up and say things are hard. Life is hard.

I hurt my back a couple months ago, and it's made my pregnancy and everything else that much more difficult. I started physical therapy, which has been really great for me and has helped me be much more capable than I was after I hurt my back. But my back is still a problem and will continue to be for a long time.

Ben has been also struggling with his own things, and together, I feel like we are kind of a mess. Not in a really bad way, but we are both just being refined at the same time. And that makes it a little hard to lean on each other because we are both so drained in so many ways.

A couple days ago, I had a huge emotional breakdown. Part of it was the fact that it was midnight, and I was extremely tired after a long day of watching two of my nieces (so I had a 3, 2, and 1 yr old for 10 hours, which wasn't terrible, but it was just exhausting at almost 29 weeks pregnant). Part of it was simply hormones. But a lot of it had to do with being stretched way too thin and not taking time to back up and do some self-care. I get so busy caring for everyone else around me that sometimes I forget to take care of myself. I think I need to be (and honestly, who doesn't want to be) supermom, superwife, superwoman ALL. THE. TIME. So I go, go, go, and I forget to slow down and just breathe for myself.

For a long time, I have felt a little out of place in this "wopa-land" because I'm not in immediate trauma, and overall things are going really well. Ben and I are communicating well for the most part, and we are both making tons of individual progress with our counselors, which is helping us make progress in our marriage. I'm really happy. Happier than I have been in a very long time. And I just want to soak up that happiness, but life keeps throwing hard things at us, so I have been fluctuating between feeling happy, wanting to feel happy, and feeling stressed out, anxious, and not really knowing where to turn.

Ben hasn't acted out recently, and I feel like for the first time, he is in real, true recovery. Things are coming together in ways they haven't before, and I just feel so blessed to have him as my spouse and the father of my children. But, I have been feeling like I'm in a place of trauma because in a way we are at a d-day anniversary. What I mean by that is, during this time of my first pregnancy, things were really hard. He had started acting out again about two years ago (almost to the day, so at that point in that pregnancy, I was somewhere around 20ish weeks), and it started a cycle that got increasingly worse through the pregnancy. Towards the end, it got better. But then it got bad again after our son was born, and things were really scary and hard. So, maybe it's the fact that it's September (a month that has been ruined several times over the years, but especially during that pregnancy), or maybe it's the fact that it's that time during my pregnancy when things got really hard, but I'm having trauma flashbacks that I'm having to deal with. I'm experiencing anxiety and reliving pain, and I'm trying not to let fear get the best of me. 

Someone suggested to me that maybe I didn't take the time to process or feel those things at the time they happened, and so maybe that's why I'm struggling now. That may be true to an extent because I remember a lot of the end of my pregnancy and then being a new mom was spent in survival mode. But I do think I processed and felt too. I think it's normal to experience this type of flashback after a lot of pain, and I just have to figure out how to honor and process through it without letting it overtake me.

So a couple days ago, I had that huge emotional breakdown. It led me to feel a lot of shame because of the way I treated Ben that night, but I also spiraled down into a dark place of self-hatred. Which, in turn, led me to feel and almost believe that everyone hates me, that I don't have any friends who really care about me, that my family doesn't even care about me, and Ben especially hates me, and I'm not worthy of love. I felt inadequate in all areas of my life, and I felt so alone.

While I was being mean (or, in a gentler tone, while I was hurting and feeling like I was dying inside), I asked Ben to sleep on the couch. Because my brain was telling me that he hated me, and I didn't want him near me if he hated me. But after he left and I cried for a while, I was pleading for help and felt like I just needed to go out and get him, wake him up, and talk to him. He was nice and as compassionate as one can be at midnight when your pregnant wife is having an emotional breakdown. Then yesterday we both had some space and did some self-care, and we both feel better.

Anyway, now that I'm more calm and thinking more clearly, I've been writing to process and de-junk the rest of my brain. And I've been thinking about that night and how dark I felt. I don't want to feel that way. I don't like feeling that way, and I don't like the lies that Satan can so easily feed us when we start spiraling. Here's the real thing: God doesn't want us to feel that way either. I've been making more of an effort to turn to God every day. I'm not perfect, and it's much harder than it used to be when I was a blissful college student who made the goal to turn to God first every day before starting on homework. It was easy. It's not quite so easy anymore. But I've been trying. I try to pray, I try to study my scriptures or a conference talk daily, and I've been writing more. Writing helps me process and soak in what I've read.

As I'm making more of an effort to reach out to God, I see and feel Him more often. Sometimes I feel so alone, but it's not because God is leaving me alone. It's because the pavilion of pain I'm stuck behind is preventing me from seeing Him. But when I try to get around that pavilion, I find Him. Sometimes it takes longer to find Him that others, but I'm trying to be less angry about that and more accepting of life in general. Life isn't meant to be easy. But we are meant to find joy anyway.

That's something I'm trying to keep in mind. It takes effort, but if I want to find that true joy and keep it with me on a regular basis, the effort is something I'm willing to give.

I just want all of you to know that you aren't alone either. You have God. You have me. And if you open up and shame-bust to trusted people, you will find that they feel a lot of the same things you do too. Because we are all human. If you feel that you are suffering alone, reach out. That's the best way to break through the darkness. Satan wants you to feel alone, and he is good at his methods. But with God, we are never alone. And if He can't reach us, He will send others who can.

"That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake"

I was not going to write about this because of a few reasons that are very personal, but I had a powerful spiritual experience tonight prompting me to write about my week.

Ben has been out of town. Normally, when he goes out of town I get bitter and angry, which I think has to do with insecure attachment, triggers, and trauma. However, this time was different. I didn't feel that same anger or bitterness. I just accepted it and was determined to make it a good week.

Of course, that went to pot on Tuesday. I should've known the more I accept things, the more I will be challenged.

Tuesday night I found out Ben had relapsed. This hit me harder than I actually thought it would.

For one thing, we are experiencing a trial that we haven't experienced before: He is currently not allowed to exercise the priesthood. At all. Not even in the home (in the past, when he has been asked not to exercise the priesthood, he has been encouraged to still exercise the priesthood in the home). I can't remember when this happened, but it's been months. And I feel like our family has suffered from not being able to have Ben exercise the priesthood. For reasons I don't really want to explain right now, it's hard for me to reach out and ask someone else for a priesthood blessing, for either me or the little guy. I do when I feel like it's really super necessary, but if I think, "Well, maybe I'll pass this time," (which I have been thinking way more than I used to since I can't actually ask the man in my home), it turns into a lot of opportunities passed on.

Our bishop set certain dates/goals for Ben to help him work full activity in the church again. This Sunday (like, in two days) was supposed to be the one where if he could remain sober till this Sunday, he could start partaking of the sacrament again. He was so close. So close! And he next mark (I can't remember the spacing though) was for Priesthood, and the next one for the temple. I was way more devastated by the fact that this was a setback in him being able to exercise the priesthood again than by the details of acting out.

Anyway, it took a few hours to sink in. But then, when it did, I was a mess. A MESS. I reached out to my bishop, who happens to live across the street, asking for a blessing (I'm not sure I would have reached out to our home teachers in this circumstance, but I didn't have that option anyway because I have no clue who they are). It was pretty late, 10:00, so I decided if I had no response by 10:15, I would just go to bed. At 10:15, I had no response, so I sent him another text saying I was going to bed and not to worry about it.

That night, Baby Boy slept terribly. When he woke up at 12:15, I managed to get him back to sleep fairly quickly, but when he woke up at 4:30, all hell broke loose. No joke. We both spent much of the next two hours crying. And then two more hours crying/drugging ourselves with Mother Goose Club.

I asked God for strength to deal with it. But when I felt that strength waning and Satan starting to take over, I started begging, pleading with God to just let me get this kid to sleep. He needed sleep, I surely needed sleep. And I felt like I just knew that if I prayed/begged/pleaded enough, He would intervene. At 8:30, baby fell asleep from sheer exhaustion, and I did not feel like it was an answer to prayer. I felt bitter, angry, and violent (I did not do anything violent other than punch a wall. But I'm sure you have felt violent anger before...), and I felt like I was just an inch away from Satan taking complete control over me.

I didn't understand why God had abandoned me. Maybe He didn't, and when the kid fell asleep it was because of divine intervention. I didn't feel that way, though. I felt like I had done everything I could, and here I was with a fresh disclosure weighing me down and a child who wouldn't sleep (and I had been sick, so generally tired anyway). I felt like I knew my own limitations, and when I prayed for strength, I was doing okay. But when the strength faded and I prayed for sleep, I needed that help right then. Why it took two more hours for that prayer to be answered, I don't know. But I felt abandoned. I felt on the verge of Satan taking over, and I didn't understand why God had let it go that far when so much pain could have been avoided if He had helped when I called out.

And then, my bishop never reached out to me. He knew about the disclosure, and he knew Ben was out of town. I just thought, surely he would reach out to me to check on me and make sure I was okay after the text I had sent him the night before. And I thought, if God loves me, He will prompt my bishop to come visit with me. But nothing. He has told us multiple times to reach out to him any time, and many times, our reaching out has gone completely unanswered. So, that felt like yet another way I was abandoned by God. I was too hurt to reach out to him again.

Some other ridiculously stupid stuff happened on Wednesday that made me feel like the day was just hilariously terrible (but I was smiling by the end of the day), and I had worked through my feelings so I no longer felt bitter, angry, or abandoned. Confused, yes, but okay. I seriously went through a period of thinking I should just go inactive because maybe the bishop would pay more attention if I was an inactive member of the ward who reached out.  I also considered this option just out of pure spite. But, in the end, I knew that would be a poor choice and I just tried to accept the week's happenings and move on with my life.

Yesterday (Thursday), so many things happened that showed me God had not abandoned me. I just felt strong, capable, and loved. I sent up a lot of prayers of gratitude.

But what happened tonight is the sole purpose of everything else I have written.

This week has been exhausting, to say the least. Beautiful, but exhausting. Tonight, I got the little one in bed and sat on the couch wondering what to do first. I had promised myself earlier in the day that I WOULD do gospel study tonight, but the time came and I just felt so exhausted that all I wanted to do was veg. But, I chose to read a talk from general conference entitled "I Am A Child of God" by Elder Donald L. Hallstrom (read it here). I didn't get to pay enough attention to conference last weekend, so I've been studying the talks throughout the week. And this one, well, this was perfectly timed to come across today.

Words cannot even describe how beautiful this talk is. I highly encourage everyone to study it and let the Spirit speak to you in whatever way you need. But I want to share a couple quotes that particularly spoke to me:

In real life, we face actual, not imagined, hardships. There is pain—physical, emotional, and spiritual. There are heartbreaks when circumstances are very different from what we had anticipated. There is injustice when we do not seem to deserve our situation. There are disappointments when someone we trusted failed us. There are health and financial setbacks that can be disorienting. There may be times of question when a matter of doctrine or history is beyond our current understanding.

When difficult things occur in our lives, what is our immediate response? Is it confusion or doubt or spiritual withdrawal? Is it a blow to our faith? Do we blame God or others for our circumstances? Or is our first response to remember who we are—that we are children of a loving God? Is that coupled with an absolute trust that He allows some earthly suffering because He knows it will bless us, like a refiner’s fire, to become like Him and to gain our eternal inheritance?

Recently, I was in a meeting with Elder Jeffrey R. Holland. In teaching the principle that mortal life can be agonizing but our hardships have eternal purpose—even if we do not understand it at the time—Elder Holland said, “You can have what you want, or you can have something better.”

and the last verse of "How Firm a Foundation"

The soul that on Jesus hath leaned for repose
I will not, I cannot, desert to his foes;
That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake,
I’ll never, no never, I’ll never, no never,
I’ll never, no never, no never forsake!

These words spoke to me. They reminded me that I cannot see all, but God can. I don't know why I'm going through all the trials I am right now (there are more than I have just written about). Sometimes I feel like I am suffering so much in so many different ways, and I wonder why I can't just have a "normal" life--whatever that is. Why do I have to keep trying so hard all the time? Why can't I just have some peace...like my husband could go out of town, sure, but even if he had to relapse, couldn't I just have a baby who slept through the night he relapsed instead of waking up and being crazy when I'm exhausted and in trauma? Can't I catch a break?

But the reality is, after the 24 hours where pretty much everything went wrong, I had chosen God's path. And I felt peace and the knowledge that things were okay even though I didn't understand why I was experiencing what I did. And, two days after that first 24 hours, I have seen so much more light. We truly can't experience the light until we have experienced the darkness. I caught myself expressing gratitude for my trials on Wednesday. I didn't even know why I felt grateful, but I knew there had to be a divine purpose. There is. There always is. 

Is trust a choice?

Trust is a funny thing. It's precious. It's something to be earned. But is it something I can choose? I don't know. I haven't quite figured that out. Maybe I'll figure it out as I write.

Sometimes I forget how truly awful this addiction is. I don't know if that makes me forgetful, naive, or blessed, but when I get in a "good place", it's really easy to forget what the addiction has done and can do.

But then things might come up that trigger me or cause me to greatly fear the next big fallout of the cycle.

I haven't written in a while because I went to visit my family for a few weeks, and blogging is not what I wanted to do during that time.

When I left for my trip, I had tons of anxiety. It brought me back to the hell I experienced when I lived in Arkansas and Ben lived in Texas. All the relapses, lies, and trickles of truths hit me again. Along with my past Arkansas trauma, I was also hit with the memory of previous lies and discoveries from earlier in our marriage. So I went to visit my family with this panic settling in my chest, wondering what I could do about it.

On one hand I wanted to trust Ben. Maybe it was intuition or the Spirit, but I just couldn't really trust him. I tried to push my panic off. I tried to live my normal day and not think about what he could be doing. But I found out halfway through my trip that he had been lying and had some episodes the first week I was gone--during the time I had felt all the panic burning in my chest.

But he told me. Not right away. Not without some lying first. But he did tell me.

So do I trust, can I trust, that he told me the truth? The full truth?

He wants forgiveness. He wants our relationship to heal.

But can I forgive and move on? Can I do that after everything? Knowing this is not the end, that it's NEVER the end? Maybe one day will be his last relapse. But can I trust, can I hope that is now? Can I trust or can I hope that things will really be okay? I once trusted that I was doing the right thing in giving my life to him, in planning my family with him. It's hard not to question that when trust has been so horribly broken.

Last week, things were pretty unstable between us. He gave me space. And when I wanted to voice my thoughts, hurt, and anger to him, he listened. He's good like that.

He had been traveling to Arkansas on the weekends while I was there. So we drove home Sunday night. The end of my little vacation with my family and back to real life.

We talked the entire way home. It was really good and very healing for both of us. And I feel a lot closer to him. But now we are back in Texas together, and I'm left to wonder what steps to take next. Really, I know what to do because it's what I always do. I feel things out and take baby steps as I see fit and as I feel safe. I hold on to my boundaries to keep myself safe. And I try to work together with him. Because I keep reminding myself that the real enemy is the addiction. I'm trying to see him as he really is, a son of God, not just as an addict.

But, trust. Trust keeps coming to my head. I wish I had some super wise words to share about what I'm learning about trust. But I don't really have any. I think I'm learning a lot, though.

Trust is something to be earned. He has to prove himself trustworthy. And he is trying [I think--see? Trust issues].

But can trust be chosen? If I see that he is truly making efforts, can I let go of my pain and hurt? Can I forgive and trust again like the snap of a finger?

I don't know. Sometimes I think I can choose trust. And maybe I can in certain moments because maybe I feel safe in those moments. But sometimes I can't choose trust because I don't feel safe in the moment.

I couldn't choose to trust Ben when I went to Arkansas. I didn't feel safe. My gut was screaming at me that something was going wrong. Maybe it was a result of my past trauma (which I thought it was, and that is why I tried to just push it off and choose to trust him. But I couldn't fully trust him). But maybe it was a warning that something was happening or going to happen.

But I feel like right now I can choose to trust him with some things. It feels conditional on how he behaves--is he sharing certain information with me? Does he seem to be actively seeking recovery? Is he doing things to prove that he can be trusted? Maybe it's more of a combination of his healing along with mine. Maybe as he heals, and as I heal, that is how trust can be mended. And maybe I can choose to trust when I feel safe, and maybe a trauma response or traumatic memory will hit and I can't trust in that moment. I think that is okay.

What I've learned the most about trust, though, is that nothing in this life is consistent or stable. I can't put my trust 100% in Ben because he is human. I can trust him enough to bear his child and remain married to him, but I can't trust him with my all. I can, however, trust my Savior, Jesus Christ. He is the one in whom I can put my trust. He is the one who can truly bear the weight of my pain. He can lift me up. He can comfort me when I cry. He can send me angels. He can send me warnings. He can bring me peace. He can do anything.

So while I'm trying to figure out the trust issues with Ben, I know for sure I can lean on Christ. Always. So I'll stick to that for now.

Reflections on a Sunday

Last Sunday, I was looking forward to the coming week with a little dread. It was going to be very hard, and I could NOT wait for Thanksgiving Break.

Every single day this week, I was incredibly blessed. I know without a doubt I was carried through the week by the grace of God. So many little things happened that showed me He had not left me alone and that He loves me. I had a lot of things in mind for a post today, but I feel it would be selfish of me to write about anything other than a testimony of God's love for each of us.

No one's trials are easy. Everything we face is catered specifically to us--to help mold us to become our best selves and to gain eternal salvation. We can take our opportunities of trial to draw closer to or farther away from God. No matter what we choose, He still loves us. At times, it's hard to recognize His hand through the thick fog of darkness. But then, sometimes it's easier to see His hand than other times. I've definitely had my fair share of weeks and trials where it was hard to see Him, and I'm so grateful for every opportunity that has been given me to draw closer to Him. I'm especially grateful for the many opportunities He gave me this week to count my blessings and express thanks to Him.

As we express gratitude, our ability to feel the Spirit and see clearly increases. I've experienced that many times in my life, and I certainly felt it this week.

We are never alone. Sometimes we feel like we are, and I truly think it is at those times, when life is at its highest level of difficulty, that He is carrying us. We may be so concerned with what is happening around us that we barely notice we are not, in fact, carrying ourselves. I know what it feels like to be alone. I also know what it feels like to look back and realize I was never alone. He is there. He really is. He loves me, and He loves you. If you can't see Him, keep your eyes peeled. Pray that you might start recognizing the little things. Maybe keep a gratitude journal. Whatever you do, have faith in Him.

He is there.

Christ is.

Credit

Today I studied 3 Nephi 11. This is one of my favorite chapters because it is Christ talking to the people in the Americas after He was crucified. I love reading His teachings.

In verse 11, He says, "And behold, I am the light and the life of the world." I've read that verse dozens of times. I've never really focused on the meaning, though, because it usually just seems so simple, so duh.

What does it mean that Christ is the light? What does it mean that He is the life? What does that mean to me, right now, while trapped in depression?

I've been depressed. It comes and goes, and some days are worse than others. My depression isn't all due to the addiction: there are many factors that have led to this. To put it shortly, it stems from trauma, responsibility, and being stretched too thin in too many directions, which all adds up to equal STRESS. It boils down to stress.

This is what light means to me:
     -The absence of darkness
     -The stimulation of sight
     -The ability to make things visible
     -An aid in the understanding of mysteries
     -The way to peace and overcoming fear

Christ is my light. He overpowers darkness (Satan). He helps me find healing in the darkest of despair. When I stay close to Him, he helps me conquer my fears and find peace. He stimulates my sight--meaning He helps me see things as they are and as they have the potential to be. He helps me view my life through the correct lenses with the proper attitude and perspective. He makes things visible: He helps me see my tender mercies and find things to be grateful for at all times. He helps me understand the gospel and gain the desire to keep understanding life.

He helps me live a better life.

Christ is my life. I've learned through experience that Christ is the way. I've tried being angry at Him...and all that did was cause me to slip farther into a dark depression. I've tried doing things my way, but I always find that His way is the best way (even if it seems impossibly hard in the moment).

Christ is the reason I live and breathe. 

He is the reason I find joy and grace. 

With Him in my life, life is full of beauty, harmony, and love.

Owning my Story

One of the big takeaways I had from the TogethernessProject is that I need to be more open. I need to own my story. It’s my story. Yes, it’s also my husband’s. But this side, the spouse side of things, is mine. I own this side, and it’s my story to tell.

I’ve actually been wanting to be more open. I didn’t ever want to write an anonymous blog. I didn’t want this to be a big, huge, hairy scary secret. I have always just wanted to be me. I’ve wanted to tell friends and family. I’ve wanted it to be something we’re not ashamed of. I was once ashamed—back when being married to a porn addict was a fresh idea and definitely not one I was fond of. I’m still not in love with that fact, but I am in love with my husband. And honestly? I’m more proud of the ground we have covered and the growth we have experienced than ashamed. Really. We are AWESOME!

When I originally felt prompted to start my blog, my husband was afraid. Out of respect for him, I kept the secret. I also kept the secret a little out of fear because my bishop told me that the addiction was between us, and if I blabbed to the world, it might put our marriage in even more turmoil. Well, when you’re in turmoil, more does not. sound. like. fun.

Want to know the reason I started my blog? I had no resources. None. Zip. Zero. Nada! I wanted to be a voice. I wanted to take action, so I prayed to ask how and what I could do. This was my answer. I knew I was not alone. I knew I was not the only wife of a sex addict. I started blogging to help others, to be a resource. I hoped that if people found my blog, they would see that they weren’t alone, and I hoped it could give them strength.

My blog has probably served me more than anyone else. I wrote for about three or four months before I found the LDS Addiction Recovery Blogs website. And then? I started connecting with other women. I started learning from other’s experiences—I was seeing the other end of exactly what I had created my own blog for. I made friends. I felt love. I saw how not crazy I am. I put pieces together, and things started making more sense.

I learned about the Togetherness Project through my blog, and for that I will be eternally grateful. Seriously, I can’t even contain the happiness bursting out of me! I am grinning just thinking about this weekend! :D See? :D I made friends there. I felt loved and secure. I realized even more how beautiful and strong I am becoming because of this trial.

The Togetherness Project helped me gain the courage I needed to tell my husband that this part of the story is mine, and I want to own it. I believe experiences are to be learned from and shared so others can learn from them too. I stood up to my fears to tell him that. Believe me, it was scary. I had so much anxiety about it that I thought I might pass out while I was waiting for him to pick me up from the airport. The Togetherness Project also helped me gain the courage to tell him that I want to give firesides in our stake and actually follow through with that (we have talked about that in the past…but you can’t publicly speak about something that is a big, huge secret).

I’m reaching out.

I feel Satan pushing against me, mainly through fear. I’m not letting him win.

I agreed to be in a picture that will be on someone else’s blog. My face. On a WoPA blog.

I reached out to Jacy and told her of my dream to help the women living down in my area. Being a voice against porn/sex addiction is a passion of mine. I have ideas. But I can’t fulfill any of my dreams or ideas if this is a secret part of my life.

The secret’s out. I’m being brave. People might talk. People might judge the situation. I might feel more alone at times, but I don’t care because it is worth it to me if I can help other women realize they are not alone in this. I felt alone for too long, and I know many women have felt alone for even longer. So. On that note…

Hi, I’m Kilee. 

This was taken at the Togetherness Project. That's me on the right.
On the left is my friend Alicia. She is awesome!

My middle name is Marie (hence my previous pen-name. Using my middle name seemed less anonymous. Still me). I’m married to a sex-addict, and I love him. Once upon a time, I entertained the thought of divorce. It was a thought that scared the heck out of me because I had only been married a wee six months. Right now, I’m planning on never divorcing him. We are working through our problems, and he is trying to recover from his addiction. But, you know, I guess we will see.

I write about my journey through this trial. However, my life isn’t all about sex addiction. That’s a part of it, yes, a big part, but it’s definitely not all. My life is just life. It's beautiful. It's amazing. It's a gift. I see beauty and joy in every day.

I'm the wife of a sex-addict, but I'm also so much more.

I like to learn. I try to make every moment a learning opportunity. I learn from my students, the youth I work with at church, experiences, books, friends, and family. I don't want any opportunity that could better myself to be missed.

I love to laugh. I love it when I make myself laugh (usually because I’m so weird). I love dancing! I am by no means a good dancer. I just love it, and I love being goofy. I especially love dancing in the car.

I love music! I love to sing and play the piano. Once again, I’m not a great singer, but I totally don’t care! I belt out songs when I am happy or angry. I sing to my husband to cheer him up. I sing to myself to cheer me up. Music is a big part of my life (if you couldn’t tell from the many songs I have posted). Music makes me happy and calms me.

I love to exercise. I love the feeling of being completely exhausted but knowing I’m a beast. I think that comes down to my love for accomplishing hard things. I played sports in high school, which I think has helped me manage tough things in my life. I want to start yoga when I feel like my body is up to it. I also want to run a marathon some day.

I’m one of the most injury/accident-prone people you will ever meet. My life is a series of unfortunate injuries—one after another. My exercising/sports-playing has been put on hold many times due to things I physically can’t do. I did develop a love for swimming, though, which can be done during most of my injuries.

I love creating things. I love to sew, and I especially love to experiment with creating my own patterns. I love to paint and draw. It’s therapeutic for me, but it’s also a passion. I love to cook/bake. I love making people happy with my creations—whatever they may be. I think my love for creation stems from my love for God and what He has given me.

I love watching movies and snuggling under a blanket. Especially on a rainy day.

Speaking of rainy days, I love puddle jumping! Or dancing in the rain.

I also love to read. I love stories—the creation of stories and living through stories. I love imagination and writing. I once wanted to be an author.

I love teenagers. I teach high school, and I work with my church’s youth group (for you LDS-folk, I’m the miamaid adviser). I seriously love it! Teenagers are fun!

I want to have a family more than anything. I’ve been told that maybe I haven’t been able to get pregnant yet because I need to work on my relationship with my husband more. Well, we’re trying. Being infertile is incredibly painful, but it definitely increases my desire for a family. I know I’ll appreciate it more when I do have children. Right now, I just consider my students and youth-group my children. I love and care about them so much. All of the hard things I’m doing are helping prepare me to be a mother. I know that is my divine purpose.

Making myself known is a big step for me. I know it isn’t necessary for everyone, but it just feels right for me. I’ve learned from experience that when God tells me to do something, I need to do it. Putting my name and face on my blog was the biggest prompting I received at the Togetherness Project—I think because it’s the next step toward serving others who are in this situation. It’s right. It’s time for me to be brave. So here I am, putting myself out there. I am a little afraid. Okay, a lot afraid. Now people I know might actually find me (gasp!) and get personal details about my life. That is a scary thought because I tend to keep the details between me and my close peeps. I'm totally okay with being open; it's just the fear of what people might think about me and my life that keeps me closed. I'm stepping out there now because what I want most is to spread the hope and joy I feel.

I'm the wife of a sex-addict. I'm also a woman of many talents and passions. 

Welcome to my corner of the world.

Here’s to hope and joy! Hurrah!

Coping With Those Rough Emotions

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Emotion is a ginormous part of this journey of dealing with addiction. The negative emotions are real. They are big. They are raw. They cut deep. They hurt.

Sometimes I wonder how to deal with them. 

I've learned a lot about dealing with emotion and stress. In the past three years, I have felt unimaginable amounts of emotion, specifically negative emotion, and stress. When I look back and reflect, sometimes I surprise myself at how much I have really learned. 

Emotions have been on my brain all week. Ummm, that's because I have gone through a lot of them (this week especially). Most have been negative, but then there is that conflict of emotion that is hard to deal with: angry, but longing for love; exhausted, but desperate to get through; sad, but full of those darn happy memories; scared, but full of peace. It all builds up and creates stress, especially when added on top of the other life stuff, which for me includes responsibilities at home, school, and church. 

How do we deal with it all? It's so much. It seems like every normal stressor is made worse by the stress and emotional battlefield of the addiction. 

This is what I've learned: 

1) Allow yourself to feel emotion. Too many times I have tried to shove the emotions down. They are painful. They are scary, and quite honestly, it just plain seems easier to not feel, to just push it back and put on the brave face. That doesn't work. That has never worked for me. It's like putting a band-aid over an open, gaping wound. It may cover the wound for a short time, but it will fall off. When you need stitches, covering it with a small band-aid only temporarily helps. Then you run the risk of infection and a much worse wound. The temporary solution of ignoring emotions that are hard to deal with is just that: temporary. It feeds the wound so it becomes "infected" and basically bursts open. Worse. When you don't allow yourself to feel emotion, for whatever reason (fear, manipulation, etc.), you are asking for an explosion later on. And my explosions usually include a lot of exhausting tears and much worse negative emotion. So let yourself feel. Let the emotion play its course. And eat some brownies if you have to.

2) Find a good outlet for your emotions. There are many options here. First, I'll say don't be afraid to talk to a trusted friend. I have been afraid of that in the past. Sometimes it's fear of Jack, and sometimes it's because I'm afraid of what that person might think or do. If you pray, God will help you find the right people to confide in. My friend Harriet helped me realize it's okay, even necessary, to share this burden with others. One of my friends in whom I confided, upon hearing my fears (after we had talked a long time) reminded me of our baptismal covenant to bear one another's burdens that they may be light, to comfort others, and to mourn with those that mourn. How can we do that if we don't share our burdens? 

Another outlet for me is writing. A missionary at my group in Utah encouraged me to have a separate journal for anger and recovery. So I have an angry journal. I use it for when I feel like my head will explode with all my stress and pain. And I will burn it when it is filled up. NO ONE, not even me, reads my angry journal. It's personal. It's simply an outlet for pain. It's my journal that I never re-read because it's only full of pain. It's all useless venting to release emotion. And it has worked. It has helped me feel and express my emotions in a non-destructive manner.

I also have other hobbies that help me deal with emotion: painting, and exercising. Those aren't my only hobbies, but they are my best stress-relievers. I try not to emotionally eat because it usually makes me feel worse afterwards, but, hey, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. Sometimes only brownies and ice cream can handle me and my emotions. ;)

3) Try to see the bigger picture. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. I know there is an eternal purpose for my experiences here. I also know I have a Father in Heaven who sent His Son to die for me. He can succor me. He can lift me up. And as I turn to Him, I am drawing closer to His glory. He is my source of strength and power, and I know through Him that there is an end to my pains, and something beautiful in store for me. 

4) Pray. We can obtain divine powers through prayer. It is through prayer that I have gained strength and courage to face my emotions and stress head on. Through prayer, I've felt and kept my eyes open to see what God had blessed me with. 

5) Express your emotions. Be open and communicate with your spouse about your needs. If your emotions and stress stem from the addiction, express to your spouse what you feel. That is really hard and scary. But you have to be open for a few reasons. If you're not open, your spouse actually may not have a clue how you really feel. I feel like that happens to me a lot because I try to be brave and supportive. He has to know how I feel and what my boundaries are or else I get taken advantage of (even if he is not intentionally taking advantage of me). For my emotional safety, I have established a norm of open communication about emotion in our relationship. It has really helped me so I don't feel that stupid guilt when I feel certain emotions but he doesn't know. Seriously you guys, I used to feel so guilty when I would feel the negative emotions that are totally NORMAL for our situation. I always tried to be supportive and loving and focus on meeting his needs and fixing his emotions so he would be happy. I thought if he was happy, I was happy. Not so. I have to focus on me and my emotional needs. Expressing it to him has to be done for my healing. 

6) Reach outside yourself. Giving service is healing. I've been given multiple priesthood blessings where I was told that my sensitivity because of my experiences will prove to be something that allows me to recognize and acknowledge pain in others. It's true, and I think that's true for all of us. When you have suffered to a certain degree, you can see the suffering in others.you recognize it because you've been there. So, use that gift to help others heal. Give service. Find ways you can reach out to others and make a difference. I promise looking outside your own difficult emotions will prove to be a healing balm for those very emotions that are so hard to deal with.

Emotions are tough. Even if it's not about addiction, emotions are tough. We all have our trials. Some are trials through fire, and they are HARD. But thankfully, we can all help each other. And we have a Father and Christ to lean on, who give us courage and strength. 

I'm praying for you beautiful readers. I know many of us are hitting hard times together. We can do this. YOU can do this. 

I love you :) 

I am not a failure.

Satan is a trickster. A master trickster.

I've been feeling down lately. I'm supposed to be working on step 10, but let's be honest here, I barely have time to read my scriptures and pray. My strength feels like it's waning. I am working on step 10, in my own way. Every day, I try to hold myself accountable to the things I've learned and know I should be doing. I try to check myself for anger and impatience and all the little things that result. The problem is I don't like what I'm seeing in myself every day.

Things have just been hard. My life isn't bad, by any means, but Satan would like me to think that. With the move, stresses and responsibilities at school, and a few other factors, my life is hectic. It's becoming a little too much to bear. Slowly, I've started spending less and less time studying my scriptures and pondering the words of prophets--thinking God will understand. After all, everything I do is because I'm trying to do His will. I am a servant in many aspects of my life. However, I'm not fully taking care of me and my physical and spiritual needs, which is clearly having a negative impact.

The less I have studied my scriptures, the more angry I have become. The past few weeks my scripture reading has been daily, but very minimal. During the summer, I joyfully studied approximately an hour every day, wrote in my blog, and did other things for my healing. Now, I study five to ten minutes a day if I'm lucky. Sometimes it's joyful, and sometimes it's totally forced. Sometimes it's a very quick verse, a short pick-me-up that is needed, but I'm finding that's not enough.

With all the crazy happening in my life, I've been angry and irritable. Impatient and unkind. It's not me. I know it's not me. It's not who I'm meant to be. Then I get depressed, and there is a downward spiral.
Last night, I almost didn't read my five minutes of scriptures because I felt unworthy. I felt so crazy, so bombarded with life, and so angry, that I felt UNWORTHY to open up my scriptures and turn to God for help. I felt unworthy to pray. I felt like a failure because I haven't been able to control my anger and impatience lately. I think I cried myself to sleep.

I. Am. Not. A. Failure. I'm just not. I'm not unworthy to turn to God. Why? Because I'm His daughter, a princess preparing to become a queen. Because He loves me. And, guess what? I don't have to control my anger and impatience. I do have some control, but I also know when Satan is pressuring me so much that things are beyond my control. This is one of those times.

I can turn this over to God. I have no need to be ashamed for the things I have said and done this week anymore. I simply need to repent and move on. I need to forgive my husband and try to trust again. I need to enforce my boundaries in a loving, caring way--not in a scared, angry, out of control way.

I want to be ready to do this. I kind of don't know if I can, but I want to be me again. So many pieces of me are missing--lost under the dark abyss of anger and impatience. I'm going to find those pieces of me. I'm going to live and be beautiful.

I am NOT a failure.

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Catching Light

Today I am filled with light. It's a light that has been barely out of reach. I've been chasing it, not allowing myself to give up.

My life is kind of crazy right now. It's not crazy in a bad way, well except for the house-hunting part, which is a totally separate story. I will say this, though, I've felt anger and craziness from the house hunt that I've only felt from the addiction being a part of my life, and it is miserable. It's nowhere I want to be. So, along with that kind of crazy, there is school, my students, the Miamaid calling I just received, the school club I'm running, and a class I'm in charge of that requires a lot of work and outside of school time for both me and the students. And the living with my family thing... I just feel crazy.

I barely have time to read my scriptures. I'm trying to fit it in every day. I'm making sure I pray morning, night, and everywhere in between. I'm trying to be aware of my blessings and express thanks to God every chance I get. I'm seeking light. I'm seeing light, but I haven't been able to feel it envelope me in a few weeks.

Today I did. I caught it, I let the light swallow me up, and I'm trying to let that light wash all the hurt, pain, crazy, and stress away. Right now, I could be grading papers (some might say I should be grading, what with how far behind I am from being sick last week and having no energy after school). However, I felt the prompting to do some cleaning for my mom. I pushed it aside for a second, then remembered that I am really trying to act on promptings. So I did what I felt prompted to do. Then I felt prompted to read my scriptures right now, and that the grading and lesson-planning for next week would fall into place when I get to it today. So I prayed and asked for guidance on my scriptures, and I picked up to read. As I was reading, I felt like I should backtrack a little bit, so I did. Then these verses hit me (Helaman 12: 7-8):

"O how great is the nothingness of the children of men; yea, even they are less than the dust of the earth. For behold, the dust of the earth moveth hither and thither, to the dividing asunder, at the command of our great and everlasting God."

These verses (and the verses that follow that are so beautiful and poetic) hit me in a way that they never have before. I was reminded that everything I'm dealing with right now is nothing. All of this compared to God and what He can do is nothing. My trials? Nothing. My pain? Nothing. My stress? This house hunt? NOTHING! God can make up for all of it. He can command things to be moved. He can give me strength. He can lift me up. He can do everything I need Him to when I feel like nothing. He will do everything I need Him to. And He will guide me to do the things I can do to grow and become more like Him. 

As I pondered these verses and my nothingness, I was reminded of all that He has given me. Even though my life feels crazy and I have to fight for my peace, my life has been so amazing. I have been blessed with courage and strength. I have been blessed with the ability to face fears. I have been able to see myself touch lives. I have been given strength to use my talents and gifts I've been blessed with to reach out to others. I have seen myself blooming. I am finally pulling out of the self-hatred I've been fighting and seeing beauty in myself. I'm seeing the godliness, the queen that is within me. I'm seeing things in a better light, and that is a tender mercy.

My life has been hard. It's been bumpy, but I'm so glad God has been making me fight for it. I'm so glad He is not removing this all from me. He is giving me strength when I absolutely need it and giving me a guiding hand, but He is letting me work for myself. And the result is absolutely beautiful. I'm not even there yet, and I can feel it.

I recently discovered Katherine Nelson's latest album, Born Brave. The songs are fantastic. The message and the intent of the album is beautiful. Look it up.

I'm completely in love with a few of the songs on this album. I've listened to them over and over this week. They have given me strength and lifted me up. I want to share one with you. It's sad, but it's perfect for me. It puts a lot of things into perspective. 

The others I absolutely love are Soldier Girls, Born, Brave, and Good for Me. Just in case you were wondering :D 

Beautiful Heartbreak

I have so much hope and so much peace. I'm grateful for the strength that my Savior has given me this week especially, but throughout all my trials. Sometimes I can't even begin to think I'll make it to the next week, month, or even year. But I do. It's because I turn to Him and He lifts me up.

I want to share a song. It's one of my favorite recovery songs. I can't watch the video without crying (I'm emotionally high-strung these days), but that's okay. It's a peaceful, grateful cry. I hope you watch it because the video is powerful and amazing.

Beautiful Heartbreak--by Hilary Weeks

The first time I really listened to these lyrics, I was wowed. I already owned this song because I loved it when it first came out, and my dad got me the CD for Christmas. But, when I really listened, it put my whole life, all my trials in perspective for me.

When I got married, I had a plan. I had a map of my life, and I knew exactly where I wanted to go (I think we all got married with a life envisioned that was not quite God's plan). The plan was changed when I found a mountain (addiction, infertility, depression) in the middle of my road. I thought there was no way to get over it, so I tried to find a  way around it. Alas, I had to make the terrible climb. When I got to the top, my breath was taken away. The view was beautiful! Actually, I know I haven't made it to the top, but my pit-stops along the way are beautiful. I can't wait to get to the top where I will find that "every fear, every doubt, all the pain I went through was the price that I paid to see this view. And now that I'm here I would never trade the grace that I feel and the faith that I find through the bitter-sweet tears and the sleepless nights. I used to pray He'd take it all away, but instead it became a beautiful heartbreak."

That's how I feel today. I've experienced so much. We all have. Even with this same addiction, each of us has different experiences, and I imagine that I'm not the only one whose plan went a little crazy. I've made friends through this blog who experience similar emotions, but their trial is a little different. The one thing we all have in common is a Savior who loves us, and we are on a journey to find Him.

When I first learned about the addiction, my heart was torn in pieces. There went my plan! I didn't know what to do, and I certainly wasn't sure how I could forgive him for ruining my life. As I've drawn closer to the Savior, I've found forgiveness coming more naturally. Actually, last night was a perfect example.

Last night, we went out to dinner to celebrate Jack's birthday (he feels old, and he is a little stressed about the fact that he is a geezer and doesn't have kids yet. Really, though? He's only 27. It's going to be okay :D). This week has pretty much been all about me: my pain, my sadness, my lashing out at him because he is my punching bag sometimes (I know--not nice of me). I wanted to talk about him. I felt like I should ask him how the addiction stuff was this week while I was emotionally unstable. Annnnnd...there was a little slip-up one night. I could tell by the way he was cautiously telling me what happened that he was afraid of the anger that had the potential to come up and possibly be embarrassing at the restaurant. However, I was not angry. Not even a little bit. In fact, I was grateful that he didn't tell me on Tuesday when it happened because I probably could not have handled that along with my hormones this week (remember what my PMS stands for?). Lately, when he has told me about his slip-ups, I've felt almost immediate forgiveness. Granted, there are times when I hold a little grudge. That doesn't happen very often, though, and I know I need to forgive. I really try hard to be forgiving. After all, he is working so hard (I think). He is trying to rid himself of this addiction, and I know there will be mess-ups. My realistic expectations are that he tells me when he messes up, he tells me about his temptations, and that I can see growth (usually through remorse and dedication to Christ).

I've been very protected and strengthened by peace this week. Last night when he told me about his slip-up, I felt immediate forgiveness. I felt peace, and I felt free of the emotions that I would have experienced two years ago. I could tell Jack was remorseful. He also expressed his concern with not telling me right away and how he didn't know which would be worse: to tell me while I was struggling with the pregnancy thing or not to tell me until I was more in control. He made the right choice in this scenario.

I've been thinking a lot about forgiveness today because of what I read in the Love Dare: Love Forgives.
I'll admit, I was a little tempted to skip this one. The chapters lately have been things that either don't apply or I'm already doing. I'm already forgiving, so skip it, right? Not really. I learned a lot about forgiveness today. Really, I can see the progress I'm making, and it makes me so happy!

The author relates unforgiveness to a prison. When we don't forgive, we imprison and torture ourselves. My freedom--my emotional freedom and freedom from co-dependence--is dependent on my ability to forgive. That totally makes sense to me, and I hadn't really thought of it in quite that way before.

The other thing I learned about forgiveness is that ultimately, forgiveness clears us from worrying about how to punish the person who wronged us (and that is kind of a prison too). When we forgive, we aren't turning them loose, necessarily, we are just turning the situation over to God. Isn't that amazing? Forgiveness allows me to have peace and be free of the prison. It allows me to turn it over to God. And it takes away my responsibility to do anything other than love.

So many things are clicking for me right now. I'm still struggling with my trials, but I'm finding peace and strength, and it's balancing out the pain. I'm grateful I can look back over the mountain and see the glory and beauty of what I have traveled. I'm grateful for my Savior who stands by my side. I'm grateful for the ability I have to forgive and cope in healthy ways. I've come a really long way. I'm excited for what life will continue to bring me!

Strength in the Temple

 The three months before we moved, and before my back injury, I went to the temple every week. It really helped give me strength during an insanely hard time. When my back crashed, I was unable to attend the temple. Then we moved, and the temple became a four-hour drive away. Sitting in the car for eight hours and in the temple for however long was out of the question for a while. So I went from going every week for three months to not going at all for about four months in a row. I really missed the spiritual power you get from going to the temple.

When we moved here, Jack was able to get his temple recommend after a few months. It has been amazing to attend the temple together again. 

We made a trip to the temple today. It was beautiful. 

Why?

1) I learned a lot about Satan, covenants, addiction, and the Atonement.  The things I learned gave me perspective and strength.

2) It was so amazingly peaceful. 

3) In the celestial room, I felt serenity and joy that was [almost] beyond belief. And, after the craziness this week, I envisioned that feeling as similar to how I will feel after the chaos of this life and I am finally in God's presence again. I can't wait! 

4) I felt such a strong love and tie to my husband. I felt renewed strength to battle Satan and his destructiveness. He will not beat us. 

Today has been full of serenity, beauty, and joy. I'm so happy and grateful for these moments and the spiritual power I have gained today. I'm grateful for the trials of life and for what awaits us, if we are faithful, on the other side. I saw a small part of that today, and it gives me such strength.

I've mentioned strength a lot. It's true. And I know that strength comes from my Savior and Father in Heaven. 

As I reflect on what I felt today, this verse keeps coming to mind. I think it's beautiful. 

Enos 1:27:

"And I rejoice in the day when my mortal shall put on immortality, and shall stand before him; then shall I see his face with pleasure, and he will say unto me: Come unto me, ye blessed, there is a place prepared for you in the mansions of my Father."

I imagine that would feel a little like what I felt today. And I hope He says that to me. 

Christ. I love Him.

If you're reading this and you're not LDS, you might see the word Book of Mormon and want to click off the screen. I'd say keep reading because what I read today in the Book of Mormon is beautiful. It's about Jesus Christ, His role on earth, and our relationship with Him and His sacrifice.

I'm doing a Book of Mormon challenge with my Sunday School class. I didn't want to at first because I really kind of hate BoM challenges. Jack and I felt inspired to assign it to our class, but I was hesitant because I, myself, did not want to do it. I like doing topical studies or turning to where I feel like I should study. Or I like taking my time and not having a deadline as to when I should finish the Book of Mormon. But I have been doing it, and I'm beating all those 14-year-olds! (haha)

This challenge has been so good for me. For one thing, my testimony of the Book of Mormon is getting stronger. My testimony of Jesus Christ is getting stronger. And I keep finding scriptures at the perfect time I need them. Like today.

Today I read Alma 7. This is one of my favorite passages of scripture ever. In this chapter, Alma describes the Savior's ministry here on earth, and he also tells us what our obligations are to our Savior.

CHRIST:
-He suffered every kind of pain, affliction, and temptation. Every kind! He knows exactly what I'm going through at all times. No matter the pain. No matter the heartache. No matter the temptation. He has felt it, and because He has felt it, He knows exactly how to help me.
-His sufferings allowed Him to be filled with mercy, and He knows how to succor (assist/support in times of distress) us.
-He loosed the bands of death. We can be resurrected and live, body and spirit, forever.
-He took upon Himself all of our sins so we can be completely forgiven. He, who was completely innocent, took upon Himself the burdens of our sins. Because of that, our sins can be blotted out.

A lot of times, people think the Atonement is just for our sins. We forget that it covers everything--pains, afflictions, infirmities, and temptations. I love that in these verses (11-13), it talks about the other stuff before sins. For me, someone who experiences a lot of pain, that is so healing. To realize that those other aspects are just as important (or more-so?) is beautiful. And He can succor me.

US:
-To put the Atonement in effect for us, we have to repent and be born again. We have to be baptized so our sins are washed away.
-We have to have faith in Him and fear not! I feel like fear not is especially for me. I fear a lot. My faith in Christ should help me overcome my fears. I also recognize that fear is of Satan, not of God.
-We are told to be humble, submissive, gentle, easy to be entreated (approachable to for someone to ask us for help), patient, long-suffering, temperate, and diligent. Each of those traits are things I have been working on in my marriage. To have charity. To have a loving relationship with my husband. To exemplify Christ. When I read that today, I was like BOOM! I'm on the right track :)
-We need to ask God for the things we need--both temporal and spiritual. And we must remember to always give thanks for what He gives us.
-And, we must have faith, hope, charity, and remember to serve (good works) others. Look beyond ourselves at others' needs.

Christ gives us so much. He provides the way for us to be healed. He provides the way for us to be made whole.

As I've written, I have been in a lot of pain lately. I know many of you have too from what I've been reading on others' blogs. Christ provides peace. I know I can always turn to Him for my needs to be met. On the days I feel like life is unbearable and unmanageable, I can turn it over to Him. He has given me strength to get through the day. And the next day. And the next. He carries me until I have the ability to carry myself, and then He walks by me. I'm grateful for that because I stumble and fall a lot, and He is there to pick me up (if I let Him).

Christ gives me so much. And I'm not asked nearly as much in return. Besides, all that I'm asked to do makes me better and more receptive to peace and healing.

I love it. I love Him.

I can't express that enough. I. LOVE. HIM.

Answer to my Fast: Throw out the Money-changers

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Yesterday, I fasted for Jack. Nothing specifically, just for him. For strength, for hope. Maybe for me to have strength and hope for him. Maybe for our relationship. I just fasted for him and asked God to take care of whatever he needed.

I got some answers. And I can already feel the strength in me and in our relationship.

While waiting to meet with Bishop, I started reading a chapter from the strengthening marriage and family manual in the gospel library on my phone. The chapter I read was nurturing love and friendship in marriage. The things that stood out to me the most were attributes of charity, cooperation, drawing together in trial through selflessness, and understanding how hard you have to work to keep a marriage strong. I learned a lot. I just wrote brief words here, but the depth and meaning behind what I read and learned was intense. I felt strength in facing our trials, especially the pornography trial.And it prepared me for what I would hear from Bishop.

I've been in a lot of pain lately. Maybe it's because I am finally facing/admitting the truth that the addiction is always going to be a part of our lives. I didn't realize I had kind of been in denial about that until, well, today, as I have been writing. I've hoped and prayed. I've forgiven and been accepting and loving. I've done a lot. I've been very selfless. I've held on to the hope that he would overcome, and I think I've been secretly hoping it would be quickly. I've been hoping it would just be a phase and he would heal soon.

I've known that the addiction could last our whole lives. I just haven't wanted to actually admit that. I haven't really said it out loud. So here I am. In all my vulnerability. 

It's been most of our marriage. I have known for over two years. He has been addicted for over half his life. This isn't going away any time soon.

I have hope that he will overcome it, but it probably won't be very quickly. That scares me. Because anything could happen. I know he "loves" his addiction. He has said that. There is this part of him that truly loves it, no  matter how much he despises it. He isn't ready to be fully free of his addiction. Because he doesn't want to be yet. He has said that to me, and he has said that to our bishop. And Bishop reminded me of that yesterday.

When will he be able to give it up? Will he be able to give it up? How hard is he really trying? He says he is trying, and I'm sure he is trying sometimes, but is he really trying? All the time? Will this break up our eternal marriage? 

I feel more at peace with the fact that maybe I will be on my own after this life. Maybe I won't. I don' t know how it works. I do feel more at peace with the idea of not clinging to him, though. You know, not stressing over the fact that maybe we might end up in different places after this life. And no matter what happens, I'll be happy because  I'm dedicating my life to get to God. I'm not really afraid of being alone in eternity. The idea just makes me sad. It's a painful kind of sad.

A question I need answered for myself  right now is do I want our marriage to work? Bishop said that I have shown myself as Christlike and forgiving. Many women in my position (whom he has seen) would have already given up--separated or divorced. And quite frankly, it's getting harder. I know the pornography and masturbation aren't every day. But it's there. It's frequent enough. It's infidelity. It's adulterous. 

It's hard. It's really hard. 

That chapter I read yesterday, about nurturing love and friendship in marriage, was really motivating. I understand better how much work I have to put in to our marriage. I wish they would teach you these things before you get married. I wish someone would have said, "Hey, Marie, you're in love. You think your husband is perfect, but just imagine for a second that he's not. Imagine that he has some horrible traits. Let that image settle for a second. Are you willing to stick to him?" They should teach something like that in the marriage prep class.

It's not easy. It's not going to be easy. I can't be in denial anymore about it, though. My life is hard. It will be hard for the rest of my life. He isn't going to overcome his addiction as fast as I want him to. There is the possibility that he might not ever. Do I want this marriage to work? Do I want to give up and quit, or am I ready to give it my all, holding nothing back? If I hold nothing back, I'm setting myself up for big emotional battles. I'm preparing myself for all kinds of opposition and negative emotions. Am I ready to face that? Am I ready to give it my all?

Bishop pointed out what he observes as my characteristics in dealing with this (and he was spot-on): I'm very involved. We communicate well. I communicate my needs and emotions well. I want to know things, and Jack tells me. But I'm also really hands-off. I work on my healing, and I encourage Jack, but I'm not forceful. I'm not demanding. I don't set expectations. (Because I'm trying not to be co-dependent.)

Bishop told me that through my actions, I have definitely shown my ability to be Christlike (which made me feel so good. Christlike is what I'm always striving for). I have shown compassion and forgiveness. But, he encouraged me to expect and demand more. And I know my motivator needs to be love. If I really love Jack, I will expect more. Because I am seeing him through God's eyes. And God expects more.

What he said made me think. I've gone back and forth on the expectations thing a lot. I've found it's easier to have no expectations because then I don't have to deal with the intensity of the emotions. I've definitely had my fair share of all the negative emotions that are wrapped up with a sex-addicted husband. And I do have expectations. I just haven't been forceful about them. I've been angry. I've sure as heck been angry. And I've tried to get away from the anger. I've tried to steer away from co-dependency. With all the talk about co-dependency and how bad it is, I've tried hard to let things be and work on my healing and separating myself from the addiction (if that makes sense). I've tried to be confident without him. I've tried to make our marriage work, but I've also, in a sense, removed (or at least tried to remove) myself from the addiction. To avoid pain. And to save myself.

When he confesses something, I am strong. I know he is hurting, and I know he is hurting me, so I hold solid for a few days. And then my walls come crashing down. Sometimes in private, sometimes to him. Sometimes I tell him things to express how much it hurts, but I usually try to be strong. For him. So he doesn't experience more pain himself. Because I can only imagine how much it must hurt to be addicted to something that causes so much pain to the person you love more than anything else in this life.

I have to find a balance. Yes, he is addicted, but he sins. He knowingly sins. I have to have expectations for that. After all, we made covenants. 

Having high expectations, dealing with the pain, and trying to be forceful and controlling is not going to be healthy. I don't want to slip back into codependent mode. I don't want to lose what I have gained in my recovery already. 

Peace. I don't want to lose peace. I don't want to turn into a crazy, psychotic, controlling woman. So, how do I establish the expectations and boundaries in a non-controlling or threatening manner? How do I establish the expectations and boundaries in a way that shows I'm doing it out of love for him, not because I'm cautious or scared for myself and our relationship? Because ultimately, I have shown forgiveness. I have shown compassion. I have let him try to do it on his own (with God), but he needs me. He needs me to help him adhere to his expectations for himself, my expectations for him, God's expectations for him, and our boundaries. He needs me to be his cheerleader. He needs me to show him my love and care, he needs high expectations but also high emotional response and support.

That sounds to me like a democratic parent. I teach about democratic parents in Child Development, Parenting, and F.A.C.S. Democratic is the best style of parenting. Permissive is what I have been: high emotional response, but low demand. That's better than just plain neglect (no response or demand), but not the best. The best is to have high response and high demands. People need expectations.

I need to find a balance for myself. Obviously, I'm not parenting. I'm partnering. I'm loving. I talked about that with Bishop too. He asked me what my goals are for when Jack and I are parents. Do we want to be partners? Of course we do. Do I want him to be a priesthood leader in our home? Of course I do. If I want those, I need to treat him as such now. We are partners. He has made covenants. He isn't the priesthood leader he should and could be. And I can't expect him to make any changes on his own. I have to put more effort into helping him recover rather than just sitting on the sidelines cheering him on. I have to help him. I have to set expectations. And I will expect in the most Christlike manner possible. 

Bishop recommended that we make rules. If Jack is using the computer to access porn, then his computer-use needs to be restricted (I got the impression that he would be perfectly okay with me destroying my husband's computer. That sounds kind of fun... but it's my computer, actually. His laptop broke, and we haven't been able to afford a desktop. When I told Bishop that, he then suggested I restrict Jack's access to my computer). I told him, I'm afraid that won't help with a change of heart. Destroying the source is just bandaging the problem, not actually helping it heal. He said he can see my point, but sometimes we need to make a change in behavior first to cleanse us and prepare us for a change of heart. You can't have a change of heart if the actions aren't changing. 

I haven't really heard it put that way before. But it totally makes sense to me. In the 12-step guidebook, there is that quote about Christ taking the slums out of the people and then they take themselves out of the slums. I used to think it only meant you have to experience a change of heart first, and then you can make changes of behavior. That quote has new meaning to me today. It could mean that we take the slums out of Jack (take the porn out. Take out what is giving him access) in order for him to truly take himself out (change of heart). And then when he has taken himself out (when his heart is truly changed), he won't want to go back in. 

Whoa. What a new perspective. 

Bishop also told me it's okay to just throw the money-changers out of the temple. Christ didn't ask them nicely to leave. He said get the heck out right now. He overthrew the tables. He cast them out. Christ had expectations for his temple, and when those expectations weren't met, he became the change that needed to happen. Our marriage is like that. I can throw the bad out. I can say, "Hey, I have expectations. These are my expectations, and if you are going to look at porn, I'll get rid of the source." I can throw the money-changers out.

Of course, I have to do this with charity. Love. Christlike love. It's not about me being angry or irrational. It's about me loving my husband enough to throw the money-changers out of our temple--out of our marriage. It's about me saying, "Yep, this will be hard. But I'm going to do what's best for you, even if you don't like it right now." That is true love, true charity. 

Bishop commended me for being so Christlike, so forgiving. But, from our conversation, I felt him encouraging me to become even more Christlike. Really act with love. I need to do more than just forgive and tolerate. I need more than compassion. I need to put forth effort to make our home better and to help make Jack better.

So, that's what I'll do. It's kind of hard for me to be strong (forceful?) about boundaries or expectations. But I know I need to be. And I guess this is the next step towards my recovery and healing. So I will set expectations and boundaries. I will define my needs and my goals for our family. I will share them with Jack, and we will both be stronger.

Now, it's time to get back to the Love Dare. I've taken a few days off. But now I think I can resume and do all these nice, wonderful things for Jack because I know the work I need to put in. And I know that I still need to act with service and love. I'm not in denial about the work our marriage takes anymore. I'm ready and willing to work hard. I won't give up on our marriage because there is still hope. And I've made covenants with Jack and with God. And I'll do what I can to keep those covenants and help Jack keep his.

**I know that what my bishop is encouraging me to do is not for everyone. Everyone has their own way of healing and dealing with this trial. I have a testimony that my bishop is a man of God. I could feel God's presence in that room while we talked yesterday. I know the counsel given to me was of God, and I am preparing myself to make changes in the way I handle this trial. As I make changes, I will be prayerful and really try to do things the way Christ wants me to. And I really am trying to make my motivator love. Which, is what the Love Dare is trying to get me to do too. Funny how that goes hand-in-hand with everything else...