Surrender

Last weekend, I had the blessed opportunity to attend the Togetherness Project! I love this organization so much. Much of my healing has been through classes I've attended and people I've met. I will be forever grateful to the people who put this together and sacrifice so much of their time and energy to help strengthen those of us suffering from the effects of sex addiction.

I haven't been able to stop thinking about one of the classes I attended. Rhyll Croshaw spoke about living recovery one day at a time.

I've been in a kind of pit where I have been so focused on my baby and my family and not spending enough time on ME. I've been working on that and trying to find balance, but it's hard. My needs change on a daily basis depending on different triggers and trauma or whether or not I feel like I can even handle thinking about having this addiction as part of my life (and besides, I have a baby now, so I really can't spend so much time focusing on me. That makes the balancing act more tricky.). Most of the time, my recovery work simply looks like self-care. But if I'm only doing self-care, that leaves out a lot of other things that are necessary for my recovery.

It's like I'm only going halfway to recovery because I know I need some aspect of recovery, but I don't want to think about it. I've let recovery books, programs, blogs, and support groups fall to the wayside because I just don't want to think about it. Not to mention I might be spending way too much time and energy focusing on healing my relationship with Ben. I'm the kind of person that likes to do things myself so I can make sure they are done right. I'm afraid (from fear but also from experience) that if I leave our relationship recovery too much up to Ben, nothing will happen or things will be made worse. So even though I try to be hands off about his recovery and letting things heal as they heal, I really do try to take matters into my own hands way too often. It's exhausting. Because when things don't work as I think they should, I get put in another place of trauma or just feel disappointed or angry or upset.

I have not done a good job at surrendering this to God. Like, at all. I try. I give but take back. I can't commit to fully just letting Him handle it because I'm not really a fan of His timeline.

So during Rhyll's class (which I didn't initially want to go to anyway because I thought, "I don't need this, I know all about recovery and taking it one day at a time... haha), she said something that struck me, and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. She said something like, "I had to turn to God and say 'Take him. I can't do this anymore.'" She had done everything she felt like she could to help their marriage and family, and she realized she just couldn't do it. She had to focus on herself, and let herself heal. She had to stop taking so much of the weight of their marriage and his addiction and let God handle that part.

I feel like that was the piece I have been missing! I did this life coaching program with Jacy which was incredible and eye-opening and life changing (and if you can afford to do it, do it! Do it do it do it! Because, like I said, LIFE CHANGING, powerful stuff). I learned so much incredible stuff about taking charge of my life and seeing what I can do for me. But I applied it all to my relationship with Ben, and while that is good and all (because there is much in my relationship with him that I DO need to work on because I am kind of mean and blame everything on him all the time because "he is an addict and has ruined my life"...), I still can't do everything on my own. I'm trying to micromanage too much instead of letting things happen on God's timeline. I'm trying to rush my healing, his healing, and our marriage's healing because I want our family to be "perfect", and I want to start thinking about and planning for more kids. I keep going in circles with myself between accepting my life as it is and hating everything and yearning for what I imagined my life to be at this point.

So, while I'm focusing on my self-care and balancing act, I am also working on surrender. I don't really know how to surrender all of this to God, but I am going to figure it out. In the mean time, I am trying to let go of fretting over his recovery so I can focus on my recovery. I am working a program, I'm reading Rhyll's book, I'm doing self-care, and maybe one of these days I will make it to a group meeting so I can have some in-person support.

I reviewed my safety plan and boundaries again, adding some things that needed to be added. And I am going to work on keeping myself safe. Sometimes I just don't. I don't know why, I just don't stick to my boundaries very well. Probably because I'm afraid of change and push-back from Ben. But I know to keep our home a safe place to keep myself on track with my recovery and healing, I need to stick to my boundaries.

So. Deep breaths. Here I go, jumping back into my recovery.

Togetherness needs a booth at UCAP!

If you haven't heard of the Togetherness Project, you need to check it out! I went to the first two conferences, and they were both amazing. Unfortunately, I was not able to attend the one last October, nor will I be able to attend the one in March (but hooray for a newborn in February!!). But if I could, I would go to every. single. one.

I have a very soft spot in my heart for Togetherness. I have gained so much from the support and friendships I have gained from this organization.

That is why I am sharing this: the Togetherness Project is trying to get a booth at the Utah Coalition Against Pornography (UCAP) Conference in April. If they can get a booth, they will be able to reach so many more people than they are already. However, they need some help getting there. Please check out this page to see what they need and how their presence at UCAP will have an impact on the world!

Pass it on, if you can. Social media is a great way to spread the word!

Save the Date--Togetherness Project

The Togetherness Project has announced the date and location of their next event! 

Mark your calendars because 

it's going to be fantastic!

October 11, 2014

Will you be there?

Together We Rise Above

I attended the Togetherness Project in Phoenix this weekend. I feel like I have a hangover of TTP fun right now:
Late-night talking and good, clean fun. Chocolate. Lots and lots of chocolate. Relationship-building--with friends both old and new. Crying. Laughing. Sleeping Not sleeping enough.

If heaven is like this, sign me up. 

I learned so much from the conference, but the biggest take-away I had was just the CONNECTION and love I felt from everyone. We need connection. We live in a world, and especially if you are LDS, we live in a culture that says, "Don't talk about this." The world tells us it's not a big deal anyway (which makes you kind of afraid to talk about the pain of this because you don't want to be judged), and the LDS culture says it needs to be hush-hush. I went a whole year before I reached out to anyone because a bishop had told me I wasn't allowed to. It was supposed to stay in the marriage. Then I attended LDS 12-step. Those were the only people I confided in. Then I wanted to tell a friend, so I asked Ben's permission (now I don't ask permission. I tell whoever I feel the need and deem "safe"). Over time, I started reaching out here and there, and reaching out has brought me the highest amount of healing aside from the Atonement.

I attended the Togetherness Project in SLC in October, and it was awesome. The classes, connection, everything.
This one was awesome too. But the connection I found as I attended both projects is what's been most important to me.

My Warrior Sisters are my best friends. They know me in and out, backwards and forwards. They know the deepest, darkest secrets and pains. They know my greatest joys. They know everything there is to know about me except for the few things I DO keep only within my marriage. There is a high level of vulnerability and acceptance in this part of my life, and I love it. I need it. We all need it.

I've had ideas forming of ways I want to reach out in my general area. There are still steps I need to take in order to start working on them, and TTP has given me a little push of strength to press forward. I know there are so many people who need this--the connection, validation, love, and healing through vulnerability and friendship. They need to know they aren't alone. No one should be suffering alone.

I'm so grateful for Jacy for getting this rolling. She has the biggest heart of anyone I know, and I love her. 

I'm grateful for everyone who has contributed to my healing and reached out to me in love and support. 

I'm grateful for my Warrior Sister-friends.

Together we rise above. 

We are Soldiers

"Waving the white flag is not an option." -Alicia

We're trudging through the heat of the battle--trudging onward till we drop. There is no looking back. There is no going home. We are in this for the long-haul.

We will fight until the war is won. We know there will be casualties along the way. We've seen some already, and they have broken our hearts. We only pray that we, and our families, will not be one of the casualties.

What are we fighting against? 

Satan.

What will we win if (when) victory is ours?

Peace. Salvation. A better existence.The opportunity to live with God again. 

Satan is the master of cunning and evil. He is doing everything he can to rule and reign over us--to all the ends of the earth. He doesn't want us to follow God. He doesn't want us to be happy. He doesn't want us to experience true joy. He doesn't want us to feel peace. He leads us astray. He makes promises he won't keep. He will fool and trick us until we have nothing left but despair and emptiness. He will help us lose everything, and then he will leave us to fend for ourselves.

He targets our weaknesses. He uses trickery to create weaknesses so he can target us even more. He also leads us to target each other. How does he do all this? Through media. Socialization of sex. Our children. Our fears. He creates uneasiness. He creates doubt. He creates fear. He is the author of chaos and confusion.

He has no mercy. 

And he is relentless. 

My life has become a series of battles. As I have grown and gained experience, and especially as I have gained stronger faith in God, Satan has worked tirelessly. Sometimes, he has given me breaks of peace and composure (so he could sneak-attack), and I've let my guard down. It is then that he comes back working double time. As a result, I have lost some battles. But I have won more. And I have resolve. I am not losing this war. I will fight for the rest of my life. I will stand strong like Moroni and defend "in memory of [my] God, [my] religion, and freedom, and [my] peace, [my family]" (Alma 46:12).

This morning I studied my patriarchal blessing. As I studied, I was struck with how prepared I am to fight this fight. God has given me everything I need. It's amazing. As long as I use my agency the correct way, I will win. That's not to say it won't be hard. It will be hard. It will be exhausting. I've seen it firsthand. There have been many days when I didn't want to and didn't think I even could go on. But I can. As long as I have perception, perspective, hope, and faith, I can go on. I can do anything with God by my side, lifting me up, and giving me angels to strengthen me. 

I was instructed in my patriarchal blessing to find joy and happiness in this life, and that my attitude and understanding are the foundation of living a happy and healthy life. As I pondered that, I realized that true joy is a state of mind. Life could be awful all around me, but I can still find joy. I can hold on to that joy and make life amazing. It's the little things that count. 

Sometimes I struggle with my relationship with Ben. Even when he is being wonderful, I'm still recovering from trauma. And I honestly don't know when/if the full onslaught of the trauma will come back. I don't know what he will use his agency for. I don't know if he will start lying again. I don't know if he will keep secrets and live a life of adultery behind my back. I just don't know. That scares me. I have a lot to work through. Everything I just mentioned is only a small part. 

Despite how hard things can be, I can still find joy. I can live a full life, and I can grow to become a great woman who is worthy and ready to live with God again. I'm on the right track. I'm practicing the courage and strength it takes to choose joy in the midst of chaos. Life is journey to find joy and let it exist in you. 

The journey is hard. All along the way, Satan has been and will be fighting me. He doesn't want me to be happy, and he certainly doesn't want me to gain eternal salvation. But I'm not surrendering to him. I won't even let it be an option. 

For a while, I thought I was fighting this alone. I'm not. All along my path, I've found my fellow-soldiers who were lost as well. They went down other beaten paths, feeling alone or maybe lost or forgotten. Together, we're forming an army. We're fighting Satan. We're becoming more vocal in society. 

We are going to win.

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We're trudging through the heat of the battle--trudging onward till we drop. There is no looking back. There is no going home. We are in this for the long-haul.

We will fight until the war is won. We know there will be casualties along the way. We've seen some already, and they have broken our hearts. But we will fight long and hard, and we will neither let ourselves nor our families become casualties.

"Oh you wounded fallen ones 

Close your eyes 

Hear the battle drum 

The cadence calling us 

March on 

March on 

Oh you wounded broken ones 

Still glinting in the sun 

Live trying `til we’ve won 

March on 

March on"

The "How's it Going" Question

Credit

Today after church, I was stopped by a man in my ward who asked me how school is going. My response was hesitant at first. I didn't know what to say because I'm constantly fighting depression, and honestly, school is hard. And saying that is being relatively optimistic. When I answered him, I chose, "School is great. (smile and pause.) But it's also hard and stressful." I thought that was a good answer. It was the truth, and I was not dragging on about the hard and stressful part. Then he looked at me and said, "So it's great."

"Well yeah, it's great. But it's also hard." Not really sure why I couldn't just leave it just at great.

"It's great." Why can't he accept the hard part?

"Yes, But hard too." Still not sure why I had to keep saying it.

"Well you only needed to say its great. I don't need to know its stressful."

Pause.

Then he said, "It helps you be more positive if you focus on the great and not the hard." Good advice, I guess, but as I wrote in my last post, I've been in denial about things going on in my life. I don't think dishonesty with myself is the answer to being more happy. My final response to him was, "Well it really doesn't help me feel better about things if I have to lie to people about how I feel when they ask me how it's going." Then he laughed and said his job sucks, and that he keeps telling himself it's great in hopes that it will somehow change the situation, and he will convince himself it really is great. Hm... doesn't seem to me like lying to yourself is the answer to optimism. But we're all different, and maybe that works for him. I like the quote I found for my picture at the top of this post. "If you want to be happy, be." That's my philosophy. I can't force myself to be happy. I can only be and make the best of what is, and that is how I can become happier.

Okay, this conversation made me think about a lot of things that have actually been on my mind lately. Why do we have to be so closed?! Why is it not okay to say I'm stressed out? Why is there this societal phobia of saying anything negative in public? (Okay, maybe an exaggeration. But you have to admit, it is pretty bad. People don't want to hear negativity. Even if you aren't being negative, even if you are being realistic, people don't want to hear it.)

My issue isn't with this guy and the conversation I had with him.  My issue is with the fact that it's how society as a whole expects us to be. Closed. Tough. Perfect. No one should know about our inner struggles. We're supposed to pretend we don't have any.

I disagree. How much better would our lives be if we gave honest answers to the "Hi, how are you?" question? How much better would our lives (and others' lives) be if we actually cared to know people's honest answers?

In my ideal world, people would ask me those kinds of questions and actually care about the answer. I could say, "You know, things are kind of hard right now. But I'm holding on. I'm trying to make it work." Maybe I could even mention porn (gasp!). If they asked what they could do for me, they could accept a simple answer like "Please pray for me." They wouldn't need to solve all my problems--they would just let me cry, and they would cry with me. 

I think we could all be more compassionate and understanding. I think we should speak up. For heaven's sake, if someone asks you how you're doing, and you're not doing well at all, tell them. Okay, okay, you don't have to go into detail because that may be pushing it, but you could say something like, "I'm actually having a hard time right now, thanks for asking. It's nice to know someone cares about me. How are you?" And maybe, if they really do care, they will ask to know more about why you aren't doing well. And maybe you will feel safe enough to tell them. And maybe they would show some love and compassion towards you when they see that side of you. I think it's safe to say we would all be at least a little more compassionate if we knew what was really going on in people's lives. (And society could sure use a little more compassion.)

We all have stories. We are all living hard lives. Seriously, that is what life is. It's hard. We are here to experience pain and grow. We are here to live this life and become more like Christ through it so we can live with God again. It just makes it all the more hard when we have to put on that perfect persona and waltz through life like we are sitting on clouds and eating ice cream like it's a vegetable. No one is doing that. No one has that perfect life. 

People have mistaken me for having a perfect life. You know what I want to say to them? I want to word vomit all over them. I want to share with them every little detail about how hard things are and then say, now tell me how perfect you think my life is. But I don't. Because I am told that society doesn't want to hear my inner struggles. Those inner struggles are for me and those very intimately close to me. Like my husband, who is addicted to porn (not a jab, just an honest statement for effect). But as I've shared more with people, that has helped me develop more intimate relationships. 

Like I said, we all have stories. We have different abilities to carry trials and bear different burdens. Some people's trials may seem impossible. Our trials may seem impossible to others. Some trials may seem trivial, but to that person, it's HUGE. We all have stories, and I think there is power in coming together with our stories. I think there is power in letting people be open and share themselves. 

There is power in vulnerability. 

I wish society would let us be more vulnerable instead of saying, "I don't want to hear that. Just tell me how awesome and perfect your life is."

"If you want to be happy, be." Be you. Be brave. Be honest about your life. Let things be, and let them work themselves out how they need to.

Salt and Light

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Matthew 5:13--"Ye are the salt of the earth."

Matthew 5:14--"Ye are the light of the world."

Matthew 5:16--"Let your light so shine before men that they may see your good works and glorify your father, which is in heaven." 

There are similar verses in the Book of Mormon when Jesus comes to the Americas. I quoted the verses from the New Testament, though, for you non-LDS folk :)

When I read these verses, they punched my gut. Do you know what the purpose of salt is? Salt is a spice that is used to inhibit bacterial growth and spoilage of food. Do you already see where I'm going with this? Is your heart thumping like mine is?

I am the salt of the earth. We are the salt of the earth. We, the lovely people who have been chosen to face and battle pornography and sex-addiction head on, are the salt of the earth. Why? Because we are strong. We are powerful. We have voice. And we are amazing!

God trusts us.

While talking to friends at the Togetherness Project, we all pretty much agreed that pornography and the misuse of sex is going to be the plague of the last days. In case you haven't noticed, it's getting bad, folks. Pornography is so easily attainable. Sex is tossed around like a rag doll. Trust me, I teach high school. This stuff is totally normal to the young generation. Actually, being disengaged from the sexual phenomenon is completely abnormal. 

Pornography and sex-addiction is bacterial growth. It's causing our beautiful world to spoil, to rot. We need people to be the salt. We need people to inhibit, or at least slow, the plague. We need people to fight hard and take a stand.

Do you know what else is significant about salt? Well, at the time these scriptures were written, salt was a highly valued spice. That brings to light some further significance of us being salt.

I am the salt of the earth: I am valuable. You are the salt of the earth: you are valuable. While we are fighting this addiction, sometimes we see things through the wrong lenses. We might only see ourselves through the my-husband/loved one-looks-at-porn-that-must-mean-I'm-not-valuable-to-him/her-lens. We might get so depressed that we think we are nothing. We might try to compete with porn for attention.

Don't be fooled!

We are the salt of the earth. We have divine purpose. We have divine power. We can help fight this fight. We can help slow the rotting that is happening to the world. We can see our value and power and make this fight something Satan wished he had never started.

We can do it.

We are also the light. We are disciples of Christ. As members of His church, we are asked to act as He acts. He is light. If we take His name upon us, that also makes us a light. We can help lead people out of darkness.

There is much to be done. Right now, my focus as a light is to aid in fighting pornography. In doing that, I want to help other people see what I see. I want other people to feel what I feel. I want women (or men) who feel lost, alone, and helpless to realize that they have a circle of love and friendship among us, the others who have been hurt by sex-addiction. I want both addicts and spouses/loved ones of addicts to step out of the darkness and shame. I want us to be brave and show the world who we are. I want us to rally together to thwart Satan--to be the light, to be the salt!

Seriously. We can do it.

Togetherness Project Report

I’m in the Denver airport, on a layover, awaiting my next flight to get home. I’m kind of sad to be going home. I don’t hate my life by any means, but being surrounded by fellow WoPAs—beautiful, strong women who understand me, who are open, and who know most of the deep, dark, personal secrets about each other, which creates an amazing bond of love and friendship—was incredible. Every single one of them, and you, are incredible. I admire all of the new friends I made (and old friends I actually met in real live person!!). Being a part of it reminded me that I, too, am incredible. It's an amazing feeling to be part of such a powerful group of women. 

The Togetherness Project was beautiful. There is no other way to describe it. It was a gathering of 160 women in all walks of life, who have suffered various degrees of trauma due to someone they love having a sex-addiction. I felt secure and loved there. I felt strength, kindness, and compassion there. I’m so grateful to have been a part of it, and I can’t wait until the next event so I can be surrounded by all of that again.

I learned so much, but my experience was mainly full of validation and hope. I gained answers to things I have been praying about. I gained tools to help my recovery. I gained validation in the things I have struggled with and realized on an even bigger scale that I am not alone. I am not crazy. These things I feel and experience are all over the place. I think there are so many women who are hiding because they think they are alone. Or maybe they are ashamed or afraid to own what is going on in their lives. I have felt that: I married a sex-addict. Oops. He fantasizes about having sex with other women. He lusts after women on a BIG level. It’s not what was in my plan, and I have felt that shame of not wanting to admit to anyone that I screwed up and married a porn addict (Disclaimer: I didn’t screw up. This was out of my control. Also, I do love him, and he is really a fantastic guy). Maybe women are hiding because their husbands have manipulated and shamed them so much that they don’t think their stories will be taken seriously. I have felt that too on some levels, although that type of shame was more from myself through fears of being judged and comparing myself to others.

This weekend, I learned to take myself--my needs, my wants, my fears, my emotions, my healing--seriously.

I also learned more about my own trauma. I admitted more things to myself. I reflected back on memories I had blocked out. I pondered on my life and things going on right now. I found answers. I found paths. I made discoveries and plans. I have goals. I have vision. I have hope.

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The past few weeks have been really hard. After my husband’s last dive into his addiction (which started on my birthday), I started shutting down. First, I pushed it away. I ignored it because of the crazy busyness that has taken over my life. I shoved emotions back because I didn’t want them to carry over to work and mess things up there. I started hiding behind my work. I started becoming fearful of going home and being with my husband. After some time, I realized what I was doing and tried to own my emotions. I talked friends. I cried. I wrote.

I felt guilt and shame. I felt guilty because I, for some reason, felt like since a couple of weeks had passed and he hadn’t relapsed in that time, I owed it to him to not be in pain. If he wasn’t relapsing, I shouldn’t show my pain. I should forgive and forget, be happy and loving, be kissy and huggy, and want sex.

Um, excuse me? That’s not the way it works. I tried to force myself to have sex (no, he did not try to force me) because I thought, “Well, he must feel like he earned it, and I want him to be happy,” and I wanted to reward him for his efforts for the past two weeks. No, we did not have sex that night I tried to force myself into it. I realized I couldn’t. I could NOT. It made me sick, and his touch made me feel pain.

I felt the shame (and guilt) because of a lack of love I was feeling for my husband. I had a mini-crisis because of that, actually. It terrified me, and I was ashamed of my feelings for him.

A few days before I left for the conference, I realized I needed some space. I needed to take time for me and just heal. For the past two and a half years, I have been strong. Yes, I have had angry episodes that have made us both a little afraid of me. But I’ve always, always, tried to be strong. I’ve been strong for him because I didn’t want to trigger him. I’ve been strong for him because I wanted to help him. I’ve been strong for him because I wanted to do everything I could to make things work. I’ve been strong for me because I was afraid of what might happen if I was not strong. I haven’t allowed myself to feel and heal. I haven’t allowed myself to really dwell in the sad and get the space I need for my health. And I’m not talking in-house separation or anything. I’m talking simple space. Space where I don’t feel pressured (from either him or myself) to kiss/hug/cuddle/have sex. Space where I don’t feel pressured to say I love you. I’m just talking about gaining trust and having the space I need to observe, heal, and trust. And guess what? The Togetherness Project validated that need for space to heal.

I mean, seriously. He has broken my heart. Many times. It’s only natural to need time to repair. I don’t want a divorce. I just want to recover. I want to do things for me. Yes, we are a team. And together, we can help me heal. Together, we can help him heal. We both need space to heal.

I wrote in my journal for an hour on my way to the Togetherness Project. I poured out my heart and wrote about what I wanted to gain from this conference. I prayed. I found inner peace.

While at the conference, my prayers were answered. Answers to my questions were found. Plans and goals were made. I found me. I found what I need to heal. I found friends. I found strength and power in numbers. I found how good it feels to truly be open. I learned about vulnerability, boundaries, love, and bravery.

Being brave has been my mantra this year. I gained strength and learned from other brave women at the Togetherness Project. I’m going to be brave. I can’t tell you what my plans are yet, but you will find out eventually. My first step to being brave is to open up to more people. I could write a whole post about being open about our real lives. Maybe I will. So many people hide behind facades, and I hate it. I hate that our world expects everyone to just be hunky-dory. I hate it when people ask me how I’m doing but don’t really mean it. Yes, that is definitely another post for different day.

I feel good. I feel peace with where I am right now. I’m excited for him to pick me up from the airport so we can start talking about all of the stuff I learned and want to do.

I'm off!

It's been one heck of a week. And month. 

I'm off to The Togetherness Project (in due time)! I can't believe it's already here. When I signed up and booked my flight, it felt like this weekend would never come. I also thought we wouldn't be able to afford it. However, we have been incredibly blessed, and I am on my way!! 

See you there? 

Together!

If you haven't read about the Togetherness Project, read about it here.

Are you going? I AM!! I booked my flight last night! It's becoming real for me, and I'm so excited!

Jacy posted flyers on her blog today. Print them! Post them! Hand them out! Let's keep spreading the word! There are so many women who need this, but they don't know about it yet!