Lesson learned from observing the elderly

Yesterday, I gave a talk in Sacrament Meeting. For those of you who aren't a member of the LDS (Mormon) church, that means I was asked to speak on a specific topic during the main meeting. We don't have one person who gives the big sermon--it's just members of the congregation who are asked to prepare something, usually to speak for 10-15 min, on a specific topic.

While I sat on the stand, I observed the other members of the congregation, especially during the hymns. My eye was caught by a group of older men and women sitting at the front of the chapel. As they sang, they faces were turned up, as if they were looking at God, truly singing praises to Him. Their eyes glistened with tears, and as I watched them, I could truly feel their love for God and testimonies being borne to the hearts of all those around them. It was such a beautiful experience to watch them.

I love singing hymns. I love music that teaches gospel messages, and especially music that teaches of Christ. I like to listen to various arrangements of hymns at home, and I love playing hymns on the piano. It soothes me. Usually when I'm at church, though, because I love singing, I get caught up in hitting the right notes (so I'm not a painful-sounding companion to my husband, who sings so beautifully) and don't focus on the lyrics as much as I should. After observing this group of people who truly sang to God from their heart, I decided I really need to focus on the lyrics of what I'm singing. As I sang the closing hymn, I closed my eyes and sang the lyrics from the heart. I could feel the tears swelling up in my own eyes as I sang:

The Lord is my light; then why should I fear?

By day and by night his presence is near.

He is my salvation from sorrow and sin;

This blessed assurance the Spirit doth bring.

(Chorus)

The Lord is my light;

He is my joy and my song.

By day and by night he leads,

He leads me along.

The Lord is my light; tho clouds may arise,

Faith, stronger than sight, looks up thru the skies

Where Jesus forever in glory doth reign.

Then how can I ever in darkness remain?

The Lord is my light; the Lord is my strength. 

I know in his might I'll conquer at length.

My weakness and mercy he covers with pow'r,

And walking by faith, I am blest ev'ry hour.

The Lord is my light, my all and in all.

There is in his sight no darkness at all.

He is my Redeemer, my Savior, and King.

With Saints and with angels his praises I'll sing.

Need I say more how much I love hymns? Sometimes the lyrics to hymns can do more for me than scripture study or prayer. 

God has not abandoned me

I want to thank everyone who reached out to me yesterday, and for the comments you left for me on my post. Yesterday was emotional.

After writing my post, I reached out to a few people. I talked to them about the basics of what I was feeling, and they helped me identify some underlying problems that I wasn't recognizing.

One friend told me to lean on God because "He will never abandon you."

I've been experiencing a faith crisis. I'm really struggling with my testimony of certain things, but I'm trying to hold on to what I know and let that guide me. I don't feel like going into detail, but it's similar to what Ben wrote about on his blog today.

So while I've been experiencing this faith crisis and feeling like I'm going through a funk, I've been withdrawing from basically everyone around me. Including God.

Friend: "Turn to God. He will never abandon you."

Me: "But, I feel like I'm abandoning Him."

Bring on the sniffles and kleenexes.

I have felt like I'm abandoning God. I've had major trust issues with Him, which I think is understandable, and I'm trying not to be too hard on myself about it. I know He is there. That is one of the things I hold on to in my faith. I know I can be healed through Him. But when everything seems so hard, well, so do the things that bring me closer to God and help me feel peace. So, I take baby steps every day (I study my scriptures, thought it may not be as intently as I feel like it should be. Or I study my scriptures and feel really good, but when I'm finished, all the things I pushed aside during scripture study come back with full force, as if I never even tried to bring the Spirit in to my heart.). I study my scriptures. I pray. Sometimes my prayers are, "Heavenly Father, this is really hard. I hope you can see that, and I'm sorry I feel like I can't say more."

But while I take these baby steps, sometimes it's more of a robotic, "I must do this because it's right," rather than an actual heartfelt effort. And then I spend much time wallowing in self-pity or questioning God.

I guess that's not total abandonment, but I have just felt like I am abandoning Him. And with that feeling has come the fear that maybe He will give up on me. Maybe He will get tired of my little games (I don't think they are games, but maybe He thinks they are) and whining and give up. Maybe He will give me space to teach me a lesson, and I'll reach out to Him and will have lost my chance.

Fear. Lots of fear.

I've definitely felt Satan tugging at me. I've actually seen a clear image of Satan tugging at me. I know this negativity is not me. I know Satan is trying to bring me down. I've got some things on my plate that He would love to trash. So I'm feeling a constant battle going on.

Last night, I asked Ben to give me a blessing. I've actually asked a few times in the past month or so, but then I get scared and say nevermind, or I don't remind him if he forgets when he gets home from work. Last night, I told him it had to happen.

Beforehand, I said a little prayer asking God to build on the faith I have to help me find the peace that I need from the blessing. I asked for clarity and strength.

The blessing was beautiful, and it was certainly one of the most sacred experiences I have had in a long time.

The thing I want to share from it was the promise I was given that God has not abandoned me, nor will He ever abandon me. And He understands. He understands the fears I have. He understands my faith crisis. He understands my trauma, my depression, my "funk." He understands my pain. And He has promised to be there for me when I am ready for Him. And He has promised to heal me.

God has not abandoned me. Even when I feel like I am abandoning Him, He loves me so much that He is still there for me. I'm so grateful for that love.

And I know He has it for all of us. He is always there for all of us. He understands your pain, your suffering. He understands your crisis of faith. He understands it all because He has felt it. He knows exactly what we need to succor us. And He is there with open arms.

An Almost-Separation

I've been on [avoiding?] step 11 for a while.

I got to step 10. Practiced it. Wrote about it. Looked at step 11, and just could not go on. Part of me felt like I wasn't quite ready for it, and I wasn't sure why.

Well, now I know why. I was being prepared. I stayed in this funk of "daily accountability" while pondering and meditating on the idea of "personal revelation" and fully giving up my will [can you say scary?]. I've read through step 11 a few times this round, but I haven't been ready or able, or something, to write about it on here. I just couldn't. I felt something stopping me. It just didn't feel right yet.

So I've let it sit on the back burner while I studied the life of Christ in the scriptures and have been writing in my personal journal about the qualities in Him I want to emulate and become better with practicing in my life. I've studied humility and pride a little bit too. I've just been waiting for whenever my body, emotions, and spirit feel ready to hit up step 11.

And here I am. I've gone through a whirlwind of trauma, and personal revelation has carried me through.

***

This is the gist of my week: Ben's parents are in town. Ahem. We almost separated while they were here [wouldn't that have been fun?]. We didn't separate and are now working on some things in our marriage [and yes, they don't know about any of this. Crazy, huh?].

I keep writing and erasing the story of the almost-separation. But I decided if you have questions or would like some insight on the personal revelation that went into this whole thing, you can email me. It's too much, emotionally, to rehash it and try to get the wording right so you understand what I'm trying to say. Plus, it would make this post way too long, and you might get bored before I really got to the point.

This is what I'm trying to say: the ability to receive personal revelation is one of the greatest gifts God has given us. Were it not for my ability to follow the Spirit, we would be right where we were last week. I would be trying to fight the addiction and trying to figure out what we could do to actually make changes for good in our lives. I would be dealing with crap and accepting his behavior because I didn't know what else to do. I would be feeling frustrated and irritable while playing nice and acting happy when people ask me how it's goin'.

Instead, I had the courage to listen to a prompting. I addressed all the reasons why we needed a separation. I told him the things I would not be standing for in our marriage. He almost had to pack up and move back to Utah for an indefinite amount of time while he put some things in his life back in order. We were so close to a separation, you guys. So many things could have happened. It was unbearably scary.

As we (really, I, because I had the final say in the matter) tried to figure out what to do, I felt like we both needed to pray. He needed to find for himself whether or not quitting his job and moving to Utah, facing the shame of the situation to a great number of people, would be the best thing for him in regards to real recovery.

Personally, I felt like that could be a good option. It was horribly terrifying, but it had the potential to work out. He could take the time he needed to improve his relationship with God, overcome some pride, sort out some priorities, and get reset in the right direction. Or it could not work out and then I would know his heart was not truly set on recovery, which gave this plan the potential to completely destroy our marriage.

When we realized this plan would be the only option for separation (he couldn't live here if we separated. Literally the only place for him to go would be back to Utah), I instructed him to pray while I went into a separate area to also pray.

The whole day was a series of following personal revelation and relying on God. In the end, the revelation changed, but I think that was because Ben had a soft heart and some other things came into play that were game-changing. After I made the final, final decision to separate (after the late-night prayer), I also had the feeling that I needed to really listen to whatever he had to say after his prayer.

His answer to his prayer was overwhelming. He had committed to some things and great personal sacrifices that completely touched my heart. As he cried and poured out his heart, agreeing that he hadn't been trying very hard to overcome the addiction and that he had not been spending the proper time or doing the things necessary for a change of heart, he made commitments that I've longed to hear. And he did it all on his own (well, through the help of personal revelation and a softened heart). It wasn't through me pushing or nagging him to make these changes: that has never worked. It was simply through me following my prompting that we needed a separation. I was so serious, and he knew it. The very idea pushed him to evaluate what he wanted in this life and in our marriage. He could have chosen to be done with me (and don't think for a second that the idea has never crossed his mind. He has entertained the thought of leaving me to live the life of his sex-addict brain more than once). Or he could have chosen to agree with the separation and then felt too weak and depressed to make any changes, and then chose to live in addiction sin. But he didn't. He chose to follow his own promptings of the Spirit, and in that moment, I followed the prompting of the Spirit to hear him out.

As he talked, I felt complete peace and a final stamp of this is right. Let him try to keep these commitments. As he talked, I saw the picture of Christ on His knees in the Garden of Gethsemane. I had the distinct question come to mind: what would Christ do with a man begging forgiveness, promising change, and asking for another chance before cutting him out of his life, even if only temporarily? The answer was strong: Christ would give him another chance. God wanted me to give him another chance.

In the past 24 hours, I've seen a changed man. I'm still a little uncomfortable around him, and I'm still feeling awkwardness due to the trauma of everything, but I'm seeing change. And I know, because I can feel it in my heart, that it's honest change. I'm trying not to doubt what I feel in my heart, and I'm trying to trust. Satan keeps filing me with fear, that little bugger.

I have hope. Ben has made commitments, and I've made boundaries. We have a long way to go for our marriage to become what we've dreamed of, but I can see the potential of that a little clearer. I have a stronger hope.

Today I studied the section on personal revelation in my 12-step book (step 11). My spirit finally feels ready for this. The experience I had this week taught me that I can follow God and do His will. I can give up my will and do hard and scary things. I know that I have the ability to discern the Spirit. And I've learning that revelation can change when new circumstances arise. If Ben hadn't used his agency to turn to God and allow his heart to be softened, we would be separated or planning for separation.

I have a renewed longing to follow God. I know that His way is the best way. He may ask me to do hard things, and those things may seem impossible. That's because they are impossible--without the Atonement. But I can do all things when I rely on the Atonement, and I know that right now, there is hope for our marriage. When things get tough, I can rely on my Savior, and He will help get me through.

I've made a new commitment to stay close to the Spirit so I can always have the ability to receive guidance.

Things are going to be okay.

Cheers to another year together! I love him.

Grace, Light, Love--Gifts from the Love Dare

Credit

It's been a while since I wrote a post just about the Love Dare. I've had a lot of things I want to share about the Love Dare forming in my mind, but I either haven't had time, or I've had other little things come up that I felt were more important on certain days. Today, I am writing about the Love Dare! I've done some reflection and introspection in my personal journals, but I'm excited to finally think and reflect in more depth, and I'm especially excited to share my learning and findings thus far with y'all!

I'm on day 32 of the Dare. If you look back at the date that I started, you will notice that it has been more than 40 days. The reason is because the Love Dare is hefty. I've had days where I physically could not do it. Some days were because of time issues--I didn't have time to study it out and make a real, dedicated effort to living the Dare. More than those types of days, however, were days that my wife-of-an-addict mind just couldn't muster up the love to attack the dare for the day. Some days, I felt like a failure because of that. I felt like a failure as a wife and as a lover because I couldn't gather enough love to do simple things like forgive, not be negative, fight fair, and the likes. Some days I felt like a failure because I forgot about the dare for the day, so I would have to re-do it the next day.  It's been a tough road to walk. But it's also been an amazingly beautiful road.

If you remember (or if you are new to this blog and haven't read my original Love Dare post), I started the Love Dare as what I feel was personal revelation, an answer to a prayer, about how to make "Restitution and Reconciliation" for the wrongs I have committed in our relationship. Even though I'm on step 9 and have made light-years of progress in my WoPA recovery, I still wrong him. That was evident as I went through my inventory, confession, humbling, and seeking forgiveness steps. I'm not perfect. I do things that bring us both down. Sometimes I'm really impatient, which is sometimes very damaging in our relationship. My worst attribute, though, is my selfishness. I've become very selfish as I've basically come to expect him to cater to my every need because of his selfishness. Over times, I've created expectations for him to make up for what he has done. I realized it's really not fair to him. Maybe if he had physically cheated on me rather than lustfully cheating on me, or maybe if he was not in working recovery, I would feel justified in my selfishness and make him my slave (does anyone else feel like doing that? maybe it's just me). However, he has done neither of those things. He is an addict in working recovery. He is my best friend. I chose him. It's been a rough road, but I chose to stay with him. And, through some soul-searching and recognizing those choices I've made and the choices I have in front of me, I realized that I really needed to step up my game.

Even though our move out of Utah has been really amazing for both of our recoveries and our relationship and healing as a couple, we still have trials and hard things that take a toll on our marriage relationship. We are living with my parents, which has an impact on our relationship. We are having problems getting pregnant, which is a huge trial that has an impact on our emotional and physical relationships. I have physical health issues, which is another big trial that carries emotional baggage. And then there is the addiction. Sometimes, I find myself closing off from everyone around me. I feel like alone will somehow make me safe (but, I have been clinging more to God and Christ through it all, so that's good). Despite our growth, I found myself withdrawing from everyone around me, while feeling depressed that I wasn't feeling any love from anyone. The worst part was when I thought to myself, "I don't know if I love Jack anymore."

When I got to step 9, the relationship I felt like needed the most healing was my relationship with Jack. I had been very selfish. I had done and said lots of things he didn't deserve. And I also knew that my loss-of-love feelings were more because of me than him. So, he became my target for restitution and reconciliation. I didn't know where to begin. The things I needed to work on were things I had already been working on as character weaknesses in the previous steps. I felt at such a loss as to where to turn for this.

The answer to my prayers was to do the Love Dare, and it was the perfect answer for me.

Hard days in the dare are to be expected when you are trying to increase the love for someone who has hurt you so badly. When I was faced with my first really hard day, I had to turn it over to God and ask for His strength to keep on going. He has given me that strength every time I've asked for it (or given me the feeling of peace that it's okay to just not do the dare for the day and try to do it tomorrow instead). At first, the whole thing was really exciting and I felt a dramatic increase of happiness in myself and my relationship with Jack. But then things started feeling old and tired because I felt like I was making all this effort and he wasn't, and it just wasn't fair. Those were kind of hard feelings to sort through, and it really helped when I got to the dare day about unconditional love.

One day that was really hard was asking him three things that make him irritated with me, without being defensive, and trying to work on making those things better. I didn't enjoy hearing that things irritate him about me (even though I knew there would be things, and the things were exactly what I predicted he would say)! I want to be the perfect spouse and let him be the irritating one! It helped me see that I do need to care about his feelings and do what I can to make things better for us.

The Dare has taught me a lot. I learned a lot about myself, such as why I get irritable. People usually get irritable for two reasons: stress and selfishness. When I thought about it, I realized that, yes, those are the main reasons I get irritable. I made a list of stressors, and that helped me recognize and get over the things that irritated me that day (the dare that day was to react to tough circumstances in loving ways rather than irritable ways).

I learned to cherish him and delight in our relationship more.

I learned that it's okay if he wins or I don't get my way all the time.

We set rules for "fighting fair." Sometimes we forget those rules, but they have been helpful.

I learned to honor him and treat our relationship as more holy.

I've learned to pray for him and us more.

I've learned to choose to love.

I've learned to be more forgiving and patient.

I've learned to live by encouragement, rather than expectations. And I've learned that where Jack doesn't meet my expectations, God can make up the difference.

I've learned to sacrifice more.

I've learned that my motivation to love comes from God and that I really can only love if I have His love in my heart.

I've learned to cleave to Jack more.

I've learned and understood the holiness of sexual needs and intimacy in marriage. I've learned to balance that aspect of our marriage better.

In reflecting back on the whole thing so far, I realized that the spiritual aspect is the part I actually have down pretty well. Of course, I'm learning new things and gaining new perspectives. But, what I struggled with most were the beginning steps: things like not being negative and going out of my way to be kind and do simple acts of kindness to show love and appreciation. Maybe the more recent dares have been easier because they are building off one another, but I do keep finding that it's those little simple things that I don't do very well and need to improve on. Those little things are what help soften both of our hearts.

One thing that has been amazing is the softening of both of our hearts. He has seen and recognized what I'm doing. It's making him more joyful, and over time, he has started acting and speaking with more love too. We have much better communication. We are both more humble and patient with one another. We both listen to each other better. And we both want to be around each other more. The Love Dare has done exactly what I needed: increased our love.

Another thing that has been amazing is how I have seen parallels between the Love Dare and what I've learned through the 12 steps and other things I have studied to increase my healing and relationship with Christ  The things I've strengthened are the character weaknesses I've been working on. It's just been a new perspective and fresh learning.

I know that this wouldn't work for everyone. I definitely couldn't have done this a year ago because of where I was in my recovery. It would have been way too hard. It was really good for me right now, though. The Lord knew it was what I needed. I'm grateful for my relationship with Him and the ability we have to receive revelation for ourselves.

Beautiful Heartbreak

I have so much hope and so much peace. I'm grateful for the strength that my Savior has given me this week especially, but throughout all my trials. Sometimes I can't even begin to think I'll make it to the next week, month, or even year. But I do. It's because I turn to Him and He lifts me up.

I want to share a song. It's one of my favorite recovery songs. I can't watch the video without crying (I'm emotionally high-strung these days), but that's okay. It's a peaceful, grateful cry. I hope you watch it because the video is powerful and amazing.

Beautiful Heartbreak--by Hilary Weeks

The first time I really listened to these lyrics, I was wowed. I already owned this song because I loved it when it first came out, and my dad got me the CD for Christmas. But, when I really listened, it put my whole life, all my trials in perspective for me.

When I got married, I had a plan. I had a map of my life, and I knew exactly where I wanted to go (I think we all got married with a life envisioned that was not quite God's plan). The plan was changed when I found a mountain (addiction, infertility, depression) in the middle of my road. I thought there was no way to get over it, so I tried to find a  way around it. Alas, I had to make the terrible climb. When I got to the top, my breath was taken away. The view was beautiful! Actually, I know I haven't made it to the top, but my pit-stops along the way are beautiful. I can't wait to get to the top where I will find that "every fear, every doubt, all the pain I went through was the price that I paid to see this view. And now that I'm here I would never trade the grace that I feel and the faith that I find through the bitter-sweet tears and the sleepless nights. I used to pray He'd take it all away, but instead it became a beautiful heartbreak."

That's how I feel today. I've experienced so much. We all have. Even with this same addiction, each of us has different experiences, and I imagine that I'm not the only one whose plan went a little crazy. I've made friends through this blog who experience similar emotions, but their trial is a little different. The one thing we all have in common is a Savior who loves us, and we are on a journey to find Him.

When I first learned about the addiction, my heart was torn in pieces. There went my plan! I didn't know what to do, and I certainly wasn't sure how I could forgive him for ruining my life. As I've drawn closer to the Savior, I've found forgiveness coming more naturally. Actually, last night was a perfect example.

Last night, we went out to dinner to celebrate Jack's birthday (he feels old, and he is a little stressed about the fact that he is a geezer and doesn't have kids yet. Really, though? He's only 27. It's going to be okay :D). This week has pretty much been all about me: my pain, my sadness, my lashing out at him because he is my punching bag sometimes (I know--not nice of me). I wanted to talk about him. I felt like I should ask him how the addiction stuff was this week while I was emotionally unstable. Annnnnd...there was a little slip-up one night. I could tell by the way he was cautiously telling me what happened that he was afraid of the anger that had the potential to come up and possibly be embarrassing at the restaurant. However, I was not angry. Not even a little bit. In fact, I was grateful that he didn't tell me on Tuesday when it happened because I probably could not have handled that along with my hormones this week (remember what my PMS stands for?). Lately, when he has told me about his slip-ups, I've felt almost immediate forgiveness. Granted, there are times when I hold a little grudge. That doesn't happen very often, though, and I know I need to forgive. I really try hard to be forgiving. After all, he is working so hard (I think). He is trying to rid himself of this addiction, and I know there will be mess-ups. My realistic expectations are that he tells me when he messes up, he tells me about his temptations, and that I can see growth (usually through remorse and dedication to Christ).

I've been very protected and strengthened by peace this week. Last night when he told me about his slip-up, I felt immediate forgiveness. I felt peace, and I felt free of the emotions that I would have experienced two years ago. I could tell Jack was remorseful. He also expressed his concern with not telling me right away and how he didn't know which would be worse: to tell me while I was struggling with the pregnancy thing or not to tell me until I was more in control. He made the right choice in this scenario.

I've been thinking a lot about forgiveness today because of what I read in the Love Dare: Love Forgives.
I'll admit, I was a little tempted to skip this one. The chapters lately have been things that either don't apply or I'm already doing. I'm already forgiving, so skip it, right? Not really. I learned a lot about forgiveness today. Really, I can see the progress I'm making, and it makes me so happy!

The author relates unforgiveness to a prison. When we don't forgive, we imprison and torture ourselves. My freedom--my emotional freedom and freedom from co-dependence--is dependent on my ability to forgive. That totally makes sense to me, and I hadn't really thought of it in quite that way before.

The other thing I learned about forgiveness is that ultimately, forgiveness clears us from worrying about how to punish the person who wronged us (and that is kind of a prison too). When we forgive, we aren't turning them loose, necessarily, we are just turning the situation over to God. Isn't that amazing? Forgiveness allows me to have peace and be free of the prison. It allows me to turn it over to God. And it takes away my responsibility to do anything other than love.

So many things are clicking for me right now. I'm still struggling with my trials, but I'm finding peace and strength, and it's balancing out the pain. I'm grateful I can look back over the mountain and see the glory and beauty of what I have traveled. I'm grateful for my Savior who stands by my side. I'm grateful for the ability I have to forgive and cope in healthy ways. I've come a really long way. I'm excited for what life will continue to bring me!

Strength in the Temple

 The three months before we moved, and before my back injury, I went to the temple every week. It really helped give me strength during an insanely hard time. When my back crashed, I was unable to attend the temple. Then we moved, and the temple became a four-hour drive away. Sitting in the car for eight hours and in the temple for however long was out of the question for a while. So I went from going every week for three months to not going at all for about four months in a row. I really missed the spiritual power you get from going to the temple.

When we moved here, Jack was able to get his temple recommend after a few months. It has been amazing to attend the temple together again. 

We made a trip to the temple today. It was beautiful. 

Why?

1) I learned a lot about Satan, covenants, addiction, and the Atonement.  The things I learned gave me perspective and strength.

2) It was so amazingly peaceful. 

3) In the celestial room, I felt serenity and joy that was [almost] beyond belief. And, after the craziness this week, I envisioned that feeling as similar to how I will feel after the chaos of this life and I am finally in God's presence again. I can't wait! 

4) I felt such a strong love and tie to my husband. I felt renewed strength to battle Satan and his destructiveness. He will not beat us. 

Today has been full of serenity, beauty, and joy. I'm so happy and grateful for these moments and the spiritual power I have gained today. I'm grateful for the trials of life and for what awaits us, if we are faithful, on the other side. I saw a small part of that today, and it gives me such strength.

I've mentioned strength a lot. It's true. And I know that strength comes from my Savior and Father in Heaven. 

As I reflect on what I felt today, this verse keeps coming to mind. I think it's beautiful. 

Enos 1:27:

"And I rejoice in the day when my mortal shall put on immortality, and shall stand before him; then shall I see his face with pleasure, and he will say unto me: Come unto me, ye blessed, there is a place prepared for you in the mansions of my Father."

I imagine that would feel a little like what I felt today. And I hope He says that to me. 

Beauty and Light

Credit

 Just a couple of hours after the post I wrote last night, the darkness started coming back. This time, I could not shake it. There was no choosing to be happy.

As I knelt down to pray, I had this simple prompting: ask Jack for a blessing. I said my prayer then asked for a blessing. By this time, I was crying. I felt physical pain and that freezing feeling. These bouts of darkness and pain have continued to get worse daily for the last few weeks. Sometimes I think something is wrong with me. Or that if I told people I think Satan is taking over my body, they wouldn't believe me. I can't really describe how it has felt. Just completely and utterly awful.

I've felt crazy. I have had moments where I feel happy. I feel light. I feel joy. Then I have had my moments where I instantly switch to darkness. Despair. Trapped. Frozen. It's day and night how opposite those feelings are. And it's insane how fast the switch between the two comes. I actually had this thought yesterday that maybe I am bipolar. Except for the fact that I have never felt this way before, at least not to this extremity.

Last night I asked Jack to give me a blessing. It was the most beautiful and powerful priesthood blessing I have had in a while. He even started with those words I'm always longing to hear, "You've requested a blessing for comfort, but this will also be a blessing of healing." I felt this powerful surge of faith--and I felt like He is recognizing my faith and blessing me for it. Oh man, it was just so awesome, and that's only the beginning. I just want to share a little part of this blessing. I was told that Satan has been trying to take over my body, and recently I have felt a small portion of the misery and darkness that Satan wants me to feel for eternity. Then, Satan was commanded, in the name of Jesus Christ, to leave me. With those words, I felt him leave. I felt a huge weight lifted, and I felt peace. Oh, blessed peace--a calming and refreshing peace like I have not felt in weeks. It was amazing. I feel amazing.

I was given instruction and warnings of him coming back. I was given a lot of specific instruction for many trials I am struggling with right now. It was so beautiful. The Spirit that was in the room was so powerful, so strong. It was a testament to me of God's love for me, along with the power of the priesthood.

I have so much to be grateful for. Despite the pain of the blackness I have felt recently, it's helped me draw closer to God. My patriarchal blessing warns me to be wary of the things of the world, so I always try to be. My patriarchal blessing also says something to the effect of as I increase my understanding of my relationship with God, I will be blessed with a happy and healthy life. While I have been being closed-in by blackness, I've seen that I always have a choice. I can choose to get angry and separate myself from God, or I can choose to remember my knowledge I have of the plan of salvation and my relationships with my Father and my Savior. I've been choosing the latter. And while the darkness has been scary and terrifying, I feel so much closer to Them--something I am beyond grateful for.

Something I have struggled with in the past that I've been working on is the idea of loving God. I know we are supposed to love Him. I know He is my Father. But I haven't felt like I have a relationship with Him where I can actually love Him. A couple days ago while I was praying, I realized that I really, truly, deeply love God. It was a beautiful feeling.

E., my friend to whom I recently disclosed the addiction trial, asked me if I'm grateful for it. I told her yes. I am. I am so, so grateful for this trial, along with others, because I'm learning things that I have no idea how I would learn otherwise.

I'm learning how to love.

I'm learning how to stay close to the Spirit.

I'm learning humility.

I'm learning trust.

I'm learning patience.

I'm learning to find beauty.

I'm gaining a stronger love for the scriptures.

I'm gaining a better understanding of the Plan.

I'm gaining a stronger relationship with God and my Savior.

I'm learning to recognize others who are in need.

I feel stronger. I have faith. I have love. I have God on my side. Always. I have my Savior to lift me up. Always.

I'm so full of joy and gratitude. I'm so grateful for everything right now. Hallelujah!

Christ. I love Him.

If you're reading this and you're not LDS, you might see the word Book of Mormon and want to click off the screen. I'd say keep reading because what I read today in the Book of Mormon is beautiful. It's about Jesus Christ, His role on earth, and our relationship with Him and His sacrifice.

I'm doing a Book of Mormon challenge with my Sunday School class. I didn't want to at first because I really kind of hate BoM challenges. Jack and I felt inspired to assign it to our class, but I was hesitant because I, myself, did not want to do it. I like doing topical studies or turning to where I feel like I should study. Or I like taking my time and not having a deadline as to when I should finish the Book of Mormon. But I have been doing it, and I'm beating all those 14-year-olds! (haha)

This challenge has been so good for me. For one thing, my testimony of the Book of Mormon is getting stronger. My testimony of Jesus Christ is getting stronger. And I keep finding scriptures at the perfect time I need them. Like today.

Today I read Alma 7. This is one of my favorite passages of scripture ever. In this chapter, Alma describes the Savior's ministry here on earth, and he also tells us what our obligations are to our Savior.

CHRIST:
-He suffered every kind of pain, affliction, and temptation. Every kind! He knows exactly what I'm going through at all times. No matter the pain. No matter the heartache. No matter the temptation. He has felt it, and because He has felt it, He knows exactly how to help me.
-His sufferings allowed Him to be filled with mercy, and He knows how to succor (assist/support in times of distress) us.
-He loosed the bands of death. We can be resurrected and live, body and spirit, forever.
-He took upon Himself all of our sins so we can be completely forgiven. He, who was completely innocent, took upon Himself the burdens of our sins. Because of that, our sins can be blotted out.

A lot of times, people think the Atonement is just for our sins. We forget that it covers everything--pains, afflictions, infirmities, and temptations. I love that in these verses (11-13), it talks about the other stuff before sins. For me, someone who experiences a lot of pain, that is so healing. To realize that those other aspects are just as important (or more-so?) is beautiful. And He can succor me.

US:
-To put the Atonement in effect for us, we have to repent and be born again. We have to be baptized so our sins are washed away.
-We have to have faith in Him and fear not! I feel like fear not is especially for me. I fear a lot. My faith in Christ should help me overcome my fears. I also recognize that fear is of Satan, not of God.
-We are told to be humble, submissive, gentle, easy to be entreated (approachable to for someone to ask us for help), patient, long-suffering, temperate, and diligent. Each of those traits are things I have been working on in my marriage. To have charity. To have a loving relationship with my husband. To exemplify Christ. When I read that today, I was like BOOM! I'm on the right track :)
-We need to ask God for the things we need--both temporal and spiritual. And we must remember to always give thanks for what He gives us.
-And, we must have faith, hope, charity, and remember to serve (good works) others. Look beyond ourselves at others' needs.

Christ gives us so much. He provides the way for us to be healed. He provides the way for us to be made whole.

As I've written, I have been in a lot of pain lately. I know many of you have too from what I've been reading on others' blogs. Christ provides peace. I know I can always turn to Him for my needs to be met. On the days I feel like life is unbearable and unmanageable, I can turn it over to Him. He has given me strength to get through the day. And the next day. And the next. He carries me until I have the ability to carry myself, and then He walks by me. I'm grateful for that because I stumble and fall a lot, and He is there to pick me up (if I let Him).

Christ gives me so much. And I'm not asked nearly as much in return. Besides, all that I'm asked to do makes me better and more receptive to peace and healing.

I love it. I love Him.

I can't express that enough. I. LOVE. HIM.

"My peace I give unto you"

One of the action steps of step 5 is to "let peace come into your life." Confession is a huge part of finding peace because honest confession brings us closer to God. Confession is part of the choice to become better and be cleansed through the power of the Atonement. As we use the Atonement in our lives, we will find peace.

Writing the inventory and confessing it could be very stressful. Don't let it be stressful. Let peace come into your life through these steps. Alma 39:7 reads, "I would not dwell upon your crimes, to harrow up your soul, if it were not for your good." There are many good reasons why we would "harrow up" our souls. Among those reasons are humility and turning to the Father. It is through this process that we can cleanse ourselves and live with Him again.

Peace also comes through the blending of different principles in the church: trust, love, and faith are a few. We can learn to love our Father and trust Him, and as we love and trust Him, we will be able to trust His plan and live His principles. Over time, through living the principles, we will find peace.

I search for peace daily. I've actually been on a peace-streak lately :) I have been making an effort to trust in God's plan for me, which includes all the little things that could upset me or stress me out along with the big things that could completely overwhelm me. I know that all things happen for a reason (even if that reason is because of a stupid choice I need to learn from), and I know that God knows my potential and is placing opportunities in my path to take advantage of. As I have been trusting in His plan and making the effort to see His hand in my life every day, I have felt peace increase in my life.

Sometimes in the past, I have felt peace and then started getting anxiety because I thought my time for peace was up. "I've felt peace all week, something bad is going to happen soon..." That is how my thoughts went quite often. However, I've realized that even when things are going well and maybe something bad will happen, I can still feel peace. Peace isn't a lack of bad things happening or nothing going wrong in life. True peace is seeing the things that are going wrong and still feeling a sense of hope and trust in God--still seeing the good things happening and being happy (or at least content) with where your life is at the moment. I'm still going through hard trials, as we all are, and while I sometimes would like to mope and be depressed, everything is so much easier when I allow peace to be in my life.

Going through the steps has really helped me hone great traits. One of those things I have become better at is repentance. I am much more prompt to confess and forsake my sins/wrongs (even like when Husband and I get in an argument, and it's obviously my fault, and I don't want to own up to it because I'm stubborn and like to think I am perfect...). My willingness to be more humble and confess my sins and repent has allowed peace to come in places that could otherwise be contentious.

I love this scripture about peace:

"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." --John 14:27

Why do I love that scripture? Because Christ is telling me that He is giving me peace. And His peace is not what I would think. It's not like anything of this world, and it can't be found anywhere but through Him. It reminds me that I have no need to fear because He can give me all I need. He can give me peace. He can help me through my day. 

We can find that peace. Christ has given it to us; we just have to accept that gift. 

Here are some specific things I do to help me find/keep peace:
-Sometimes, I don't listen to music in the car (or in other spare time). I have found that as I decrease the noise in my world, I am more receptive to the whisperings of the Spirit. And, as I am more in tune with the Spirit, I am more able to recognize the blessings I am being given from God.
-When I do listen to music, probably 70% of the time it is spiritually uplifting. I listen to Alex Boye, Hilary Weeks, and Jon Schmidt the most. But there are lots of other church albums and artists that I listen to as well. These artists' messages bring me peace and comfort, and they teach me lessons about life and God.
-I try to always have a prayer in my heart.
-I try to recognize tender mercies and thank my Father when I recognize them.
-I try to take advantage of opportunities to serve (even if sometimes it's done grudgingly, in the end, I am much more edified than if I had not done the service).
-I study the gospel daily: sometimes scriptures, sometimes talks/books/articles. But I do it every day, and I write what I am pondering and learning.
-I cleaned out my movie closet, and I try to watch wholesome things. Cleaning out my movie closet has really sensitized me to movies, especially violence and sexual content. Cleaning out my  movies was actually a bigger sacrifice than I expected, but it has been so worth it.

I think I'll leave it there. I hope some of these ideas help, and I hope that you can start taking baby steps closer to Christ so you can feel peace in your life :)

Finding Peace

One of the action steps for step 5 is "let peace come into your life." I love that. This confession is not about dwelling on negative. Rather, it is about seeing and the good and the bad, and choosing the good.

The word "let" shows action. It shows choice. "Let peace come into your life." Or, in my words, don't let Satan take over your life :) You can choose peace. Think about that. Study peace. What brings peace? How can we find peace?

I'll share more about peace tomorrow! In the meantime, I would love it if you could email me ways you let peace come in so I can share some things everyone thinks of (anonymously, of course) for more food for thought.

Finding Peace and Strength

I know I said I would start Step 5 today, but I had an experience that made me change my mind. Sorry. I'll start Step 5 tomorrow or Sunday. The reason I have taken a break between four and five anyway is because I bet that most of you, if you are working the steps, aren't even to four or past four yet. I've been writing about them faster than most people actually work through them.

I've had a lot of problems lately. Emotional problems. I can't go into too much detail on here, but I have been torn in many directions. I have a lot that I worry about: my job, my calling(s), family, and relationships (with God, Husband, family, friends, and self). I also stress out very easily. I worry a lot. I let things get to me. Even when I try to be at peace, I'm never fully at peace because I try to do too much. Too much? I think it's too much sometimes, but really, take it from me because I have experienced it and really tried hard to let go of some of this stuff, I can't let go of it. None of the stuff I worry about are things I can just let drop out of my life. I mean, I guess I could drop visiting teaching (just kidding. but seriously. . .), but I am so passionate about visiting teaching. I'm not even a great visiting teacher. I stress about it a lot, and half the time I don't do anything about it because I feel like I physically can't.

Long story short, I have had a lot of problems managing and balancing all the different parts of my life that seem to be falling apart around me. I have been depressed. I can't even describe it because I don't want to even think about the way I have been feeling lately.

I went to group last night. For the first time in five or six weeks. I had been looking forward to group all week, then when the time came to go, I didn't want to. I was so depressed and feeling so low that I didn't want to do anything. So, my loving husband told me we should go, and we went. It was exactly what I needed. Being there last night, feeling the Spirit, feeling God's love for me, was exactly what I needed. I needed to hear the testimony of others, too. I was reminded of how important the 12-step program is to me and why I used to go every single week and make everything else work around my group schedule just so I could attend. Since I started my new job, I haven't had time to go. I know that I won't be able to go every week, but going last night proved to be a gentle reminder that I should try to go more than I do right now.

My husband has been having a lot of relapses lately. I haven't really thought about it or written about it much because honestly it doesn't bother me a lot. And when it does get to me, I sometimes feel like I shouldn't be letting it bother me because I know that he will overcome it, and I know this is a process and a journey, and I know that we can both be healed through Christ. But you know what? It's okay to be sad. It's okay to feel like you have been let down. That doesn't make you a bad person. It's also okay to question God. He hears you. He knows you are hurting, and if you do question Him, look for His answer. Because He is showing you that He is there, that He cares, and that He does have his hand in this.

So the relapses have been getting to me, and I feel bad that I haven't been more there for my husband. He has been there for me so much the past few weeks helping me in so many ways to maintain my focus, resolve, and what little balance I have with everything. And then when he tells me about his lapses (well, he doesn't always have the best timing, but he is a guy), I don't know what to say. I tell him I love him, and that I support him. We pray together sometimes. I let him tell me everything he feels like he needs to say. I let him cry (yes, men, it's okay to cry), but then sometimes in my head, I'm like "f;aeilc;l kmaw;leickl I CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS RIGHT NOW!!"

Last night, my husband told me he realized that he doesn't fully want to be rid of his addiction. That's something I have been wondering lately, actually, so I was really glad he told me. I mean, it has to be so hard to say goodbye to the thing you have turned to in times of emotional need for the past 13ish years. It's become kind of like a best friend (minus the regret and pain that comes from the addiction). I'm actually proud of him for realizing that because now he knows what to pray for a little better. Now he has more direction on what he needs help with, and I think he can lean on Christ a little better.

So, amidst all this chaos that has been running my life, I have been studying my scriptures, talks, and the like. I have been trying to feel peace, but sometimes no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to find it. I pray. I do the things I'm supposed to do to feel peace, but can't find it. Then I get frustrated and cry. But peace is truly all around me. Sometimes I just have blinders on.

Today, I hit a pretty hard rock. Overall it was a good day until about 5 this afternoon, and then something happened that triggered some severe depression. I then was caught in my thoughts of despair and feeling so low that no one should love me when I just screamed in my head, "I can't do this! I can't do this! I need it taken away!" and just like that, I heard the whisper of the Holy Spirit saying ask for a priesthood blessing. So I fell on the floor, crying, and asked my husband to give me a blessing. Immediately, I felt lighter--just in the simple act of turning to God and saying I can't do this and asking for His power to be bestowed upon me. While I waited for him to change his clothes to give me a blessing, I was reminded of Step 1 (Honesty). "Admit that you, of yourself, are powerless to overcome your addictions and that your life has become unmanageable." That's exactly how I have felt.

I received the most amazing priesthood blessing, and it brought me so much peace and comfort. I no longer feel any trace of the despair and hopelessness I have been feeling. I was gently reminded of many things, some of which I feel like I should share because I believe everyone needs these reminders:

- remember your divine nature
- remember you have a loving Father in Heaven who loves you unconditionally (and also for me, my husband)
- I (you) will continue to face trials because I (you) am a choice child of God, and these trials will help me become stronger and grow to reach my (your) divine potential
- He blessed me to have gratitude and turn to gratitude and the Lord in times of need instead of stress
- He has felt my (your) pain. He completely understands my (your) pain. And I (you) am not alone.

Like I said above, it's okay to be sad, and it's okay to question God. You know how I know that He has heard me? Because through this blessing, He addressed many of my needs and questions, even things I hadn't voiced to my husband. But He still answered them. And He reminded me, firmly, that He is there and that there is a purpose in all of this. It truly was a beautiful blessing, and it gave me much needed strength and peace. 

Also, last night at group, we were talking about the new guidebook that is supposed to be coming out soon for family members or those who have loved ones who suffer from addiction (did that make sense? basically for you and me instead of the "addict"). I have never had a problem with this guidebook that we use now. In fact, I have had amazing experiences with it. But I guess some people struggle with the wording because it says addict and addiction, when those words don't really apply to you. This is what I felt prompted to say: this program, this guidebook, is to help us come closer to Christ, no matter who we are. The words addict and addiction may not apply specifically to you, but they represent other things that you may struggle with. For me, the point is that this helps us draw closer to Christ. And for me, as I draw closer to Christ, I am healed. It is through Christ that I am able to forgive, love, and be healed (and all the other stuff I am trying to be). I'm not perfect. I still struggle with things. Even though I have a lot stronger foundation and healing than I did two years about when I learned of my husband's addiction, I still have growing to do. And Satan still attacks me. But as I come closer to Christ, I am able to cope with my experiences better, be a better companion and "help-meet" to my husband, and ultimately, draw closer to and become like God and Christ.

So, I don't really have a great way to tie all of this together, other than saying this: I know that God lives. I know that Christ is my Savior. I know that life is hard, but it was meant to be hard. And, the harder it is, I think that means the more God trusts you  (maybe not, but that's what I think). I know that I can get through this. I know my husband can get through this. I still know he is the one for me! I know the Spirit is real and speaks to us today, and I know that we are loved by Heavenly Father. And I know that we can do all things through Jesus Christ. I am beyond grateful for this knowledge. And I am beyond grateful for the experiences I have had on this earth that have helped shape me and give me strength. I am so grateful for the peace I feel tonight. And I feel like I need to close this in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.