We are meant to find joy

It's been a while. Every once in a while, I get the urge to write, but it's usually too sensitive and personal so I keep it in my journal. But today, I started writing in my journal and was led back here to finish some of my thoughts.

I've been struggling. My pregnancy is HARD. Being a mom is hard. Being a pregnant mom to a toddler is hard. I could go on, but let's just sum it up and say things are hard. Life is hard.

I hurt my back a couple months ago, and it's made my pregnancy and everything else that much more difficult. I started physical therapy, which has been really great for me and has helped me be much more capable than I was after I hurt my back. But my back is still a problem and will continue to be for a long time.

Ben has been also struggling with his own things, and together, I feel like we are kind of a mess. Not in a really bad way, but we are both just being refined at the same time. And that makes it a little hard to lean on each other because we are both so drained in so many ways.

A couple days ago, I had a huge emotional breakdown. Part of it was the fact that it was midnight, and I was extremely tired after a long day of watching two of my nieces (so I had a 3, 2, and 1 yr old for 10 hours, which wasn't terrible, but it was just exhausting at almost 29 weeks pregnant). Part of it was simply hormones. But a lot of it had to do with being stretched way too thin and not taking time to back up and do some self-care. I get so busy caring for everyone else around me that sometimes I forget to take care of myself. I think I need to be (and honestly, who doesn't want to be) supermom, superwife, superwoman ALL. THE. TIME. So I go, go, go, and I forget to slow down and just breathe for myself.

For a long time, I have felt a little out of place in this "wopa-land" because I'm not in immediate trauma, and overall things are going really well. Ben and I are communicating well for the most part, and we are both making tons of individual progress with our counselors, which is helping us make progress in our marriage. I'm really happy. Happier than I have been in a very long time. And I just want to soak up that happiness, but life keeps throwing hard things at us, so I have been fluctuating between feeling happy, wanting to feel happy, and feeling stressed out, anxious, and not really knowing where to turn.

Ben hasn't acted out recently, and I feel like for the first time, he is in real, true recovery. Things are coming together in ways they haven't before, and I just feel so blessed to have him as my spouse and the father of my children. But, I have been feeling like I'm in a place of trauma because in a way we are at a d-day anniversary. What I mean by that is, during this time of my first pregnancy, things were really hard. He had started acting out again about two years ago (almost to the day, so at that point in that pregnancy, I was somewhere around 20ish weeks), and it started a cycle that got increasingly worse through the pregnancy. Towards the end, it got better. But then it got bad again after our son was born, and things were really scary and hard. So, maybe it's the fact that it's September (a month that has been ruined several times over the years, but especially during that pregnancy), or maybe it's the fact that it's that time during my pregnancy when things got really hard, but I'm having trauma flashbacks that I'm having to deal with. I'm experiencing anxiety and reliving pain, and I'm trying not to let fear get the best of me. 

Someone suggested to me that maybe I didn't take the time to process or feel those things at the time they happened, and so maybe that's why I'm struggling now. That may be true to an extent because I remember a lot of the end of my pregnancy and then being a new mom was spent in survival mode. But I do think I processed and felt too. I think it's normal to experience this type of flashback after a lot of pain, and I just have to figure out how to honor and process through it without letting it overtake me.

So a couple days ago, I had that huge emotional breakdown. It led me to feel a lot of shame because of the way I treated Ben that night, but I also spiraled down into a dark place of self-hatred. Which, in turn, led me to feel and almost believe that everyone hates me, that I don't have any friends who really care about me, that my family doesn't even care about me, and Ben especially hates me, and I'm not worthy of love. I felt inadequate in all areas of my life, and I felt so alone.

While I was being mean (or, in a gentler tone, while I was hurting and feeling like I was dying inside), I asked Ben to sleep on the couch. Because my brain was telling me that he hated me, and I didn't want him near me if he hated me. But after he left and I cried for a while, I was pleading for help and felt like I just needed to go out and get him, wake him up, and talk to him. He was nice and as compassionate as one can be at midnight when your pregnant wife is having an emotional breakdown. Then yesterday we both had some space and did some self-care, and we both feel better.

Anyway, now that I'm more calm and thinking more clearly, I've been writing to process and de-junk the rest of my brain. And I've been thinking about that night and how dark I felt. I don't want to feel that way. I don't like feeling that way, and I don't like the lies that Satan can so easily feed us when we start spiraling. Here's the real thing: God doesn't want us to feel that way either. I've been making more of an effort to turn to God every day. I'm not perfect, and it's much harder than it used to be when I was a blissful college student who made the goal to turn to God first every day before starting on homework. It was easy. It's not quite so easy anymore. But I've been trying. I try to pray, I try to study my scriptures or a conference talk daily, and I've been writing more. Writing helps me process and soak in what I've read.

As I'm making more of an effort to reach out to God, I see and feel Him more often. Sometimes I feel so alone, but it's not because God is leaving me alone. It's because the pavilion of pain I'm stuck behind is preventing me from seeing Him. But when I try to get around that pavilion, I find Him. Sometimes it takes longer to find Him that others, but I'm trying to be less angry about that and more accepting of life in general. Life isn't meant to be easy. But we are meant to find joy anyway.

That's something I'm trying to keep in mind. It takes effort, but if I want to find that true joy and keep it with me on a regular basis, the effort is something I'm willing to give.

I just want all of you to know that you aren't alone either. You have God. You have me. And if you open up and shame-bust to trusted people, you will find that they feel a lot of the same things you do too. Because we are all human. If you feel that you are suffering alone, reach out. That's the best way to break through the darkness. Satan wants you to feel alone, and he is good at his methods. But with God, we are never alone. And if He can't reach us, He will send others who can.

Gathering Your Bearings After D-Day

Three years ago this month was my first d-day. Happy death day, everyone...Just kidding (did you laugh? I laughed just writing it). I believe d-day gives the power for a re-birth. It's not the end. It's the beginning.

Whether d-day to you stands for "discovery day" or "disclosure day", the effect is about the same on any spouse in this situation:

You are devastated.
You feel broken.

You feel used and violated.

You feel like your life has been a lie.
Part of you has died.

You are lost in despair and hopelessness.

You are angry--so, so angry. And sad.

You are disgusted--both with yourself and your spouse.

You feel lost.

You feel alone.

You are confused.

You feel worthless.

You feel abused.

You feel empty, desolate, and bleak.
You fall into a state of shock.
You are traumatized--the post-traumatic-stress-disorder kind of traumatized.
Your life has been cut-off--murdered to a certain degree.
You are in a state of chaos--flailing, drowning.
You cry. A lot. Maybe you add in some throwing and breaking things. And possibly punching, kicking, and screaming.
Your trust has been shattered. And when trust goes...well, it seems that everything else goes along with it.

To sum it up, it is HELL. Discovering your spouse is a sex-addict is hell. It's the darkest that hell has to offer. Facing the consequences of that fact day after day is hell. Fighting the battle against Satan, even as a team with your spouse, is hell.

When this hell is thrust upon you, there are two directions you could go. You could search for hope and healing, or you could allow the despair to swamp you, lose hope, and fall into a state of depression. I've done both at different times in my recovery and after different d-days. Despair, hopelessness, and depression are not my ideal.

Three years down this road, I've learned a thing or two. There are so many things I wish I could say to my six-month-newly-wed self to ease the burden and the pain. However, when it comes down to it, this has been a beautiful road. I've learned and grown a lot. I can look at myself in the mirror and say, "Wow, that is a strong woman. Look how beautiful you are." and that is a dramatic change from this time three years ago. Three years ago, I was in a state of hell, as listed above. And I didn't know what to do.

So, how do you get your bearings after d-day? How do you get your head to stop spinning? How do you get your feet on the ground?

1) Know that your life isn't over. I know the feeling. It's oh-so-hard to pull out of the despair and think even for a second that everything is not over. It's not. This is the beginning of a new you. You have the power to choose whether or not you heal, and if you choose healing, you will become polished and strong. You will shine with light that you have never felt before, and you can become a beacon of strength and light for others around you.

2) Understand that healing takes time. There is a whole process you have to go through to fully heal. I'm not there yet, but I'm on the road. I no longer feel controlled by my emotions. I am discovering ways to allow my emotions to work their course and then let go of them. It's been three years. I'm on the road to true healing. I'm not there yet, but I'm discovering hope and strength along the way, and I know that in time, I will find true healing.

3) Reach out for help. It's so easy to slip into isolation: from friends, family, and God. I was silent for too long. I didn't tell anyone for over a year because I was convinced by church leaders that it "had to stay in the marriage." That is absolutely not true. Have a support network: you're gonna need it. That's not to say run out and tell the whole world. As you explore this idea, you will be led to a network of "safe people" that you can turn to in times of need. They don't even have to know everything, but at least having someone to go to will be a tremendous help.

 In reaching out for help, finding a counselor will be crucial. I waited too long for that as well, thinking I could manage this by my own methods. Having a professional to confide in, who can give me tactics to manage my stress/anxiety/depression, has been one of the best choices of my recovery.

 Other ways to reach out include joining forums, blogging, connecting with other women (through blogs/forums/12-step groups), and talking to your "safe people."

You are not alone. You may feel so lost and alone, but other women are in the same situation. As you reach out for help, you may find others struggling too. As you engage in forums or blogging, you will find that other women are there too. And you always have God. He is always by your side.

4) Allow yourself to feel. If you "tough it out", you will break sooner or later, and it will likely be worse than just facing it head-on from the get-go. Feeling comes before healing. Allow yourself to mourn. Let the grieving process cycle through you. If you allow yourself to feel the emotions swimming around in you, you will feel validated and be able to move on. If you constantly shove it away, it will add pressure on you internally, and that pressure will eventually explode in the worst way.

5) As you feel, be compassionate and gentle with yourself. Try not to minimize what you are going through. It's hard. And it's okay that it's hard. Being mean to yourself won't help. Practice self-compassion.

Remind yourself that this isn't your fault. One of Satan's greatest tools is to make us believe that we somehow are to blame for this--that we aren't pretty enough, sexy enough, or fulfilling for our husbands. This is not true. When those lies come into your brain, be gentle with yourself and remind yourself of your worth. The addiction doesn't define you. And it is most definitely not your fault.

6) Do research and find resources. Learn about addiction, especially sex-addiction. Understand what is going on with the brain, and realize that your spouse is not addiction. He (or she) may be an addict, but he is also more than the addiction. Finding resources, both for understanding the addiction and to progress your own healing, is so important.

Here is a brief list of online resources: fightthenewdrug.org; rowboatsandmarbles.org; addorecovery.com; togethernessproject.org. There are also great books and CDs out there to help with healing.

7) Set boundaries. Setting boundaries allows you to have the space you need to heal. Boundaries keep you safe from the volatile mess you live with when you are dealing with an addict.

8) Take time for self-care. To put it simply, self-care means doing the things you need to do to promote your overall wellness. Take care of yourself. It's critical that you do so! Don't lose yourself because of the addiction.

Some ideas: painting, exercising, stretching, eating healthy, eating treats, smelling yummy candles, shopping, praying, meditating, taking a hot bath, and listening to healing music.

9) Recognize your divinity. Your worth is not based on your husband. It is not based on your appearance. It is based solely on the fact that you are a child of God. He loves you so much, and He will help carry you through this.

10) Look for God. It's so easy to fall into despair and depression. It's easy to think God has abandoned you and to take your anger out on Him. One thing I've learned is that He is always there. Sometimes I am blind to it, though, because I don't open my eyes. I am so consumed with my grief and depression that I choose not to see Him. When I choose to see Him, I always find the ways He is blessing me, and that helps me feel light and hope.


Throughout my journey as I've fought sex-addiction in my marriage, I've had multiple d-days. Every time is a new learning experience. I don't know that I'd change my experience, as it's brought me to the woman I am now. But if I went back in time to give the "little"-me tips on how to manage and tread through the aftermath of d-day, this list would help pull me through.


Remember, this isn't the end. It's the beginning.