Memory Lane, Anger, and Now

Sometimes when things are hard and it feels like everything is piling on, I start living in the past. Asking myself how I got here and wondering what life would be like if I had made different choices.

This happened on Sunday. I can't remember what happened Sunday that put me down that road of thinking. Maybe it was the fact that this time of year has been triggery for me because I'm living where we were engaged. And we were engaged this time of year five years ago. And I just attended a wedding reception for a friend, and her theme of her engagement and wedding has been "happily ever after." Not to be rude, but *gag me*. It's triggering to me because when I was younger, I loved princesses, fairy tales, and happily ever afters (still do). But sometimes I don't feel like I have a happily ever after...and that trigger is not the point of this post. Moving on.

On Sunday, I was reflecting on our initial friendship, dating, and engagement. He really pursued me. I had no interest in dating him for mostly superficial reasons, but he kept pursuing me. Eventually, I told him I would not date him and if that meant we couldn't even be friends, then he needed to move on. And it was when he was completely removed from my life that I realized I couldn't live without him. That was when I started thinking about dating him, and shortly after we started dating I knew I was supposed to marry him.

But here's the thing. Our friendship and dating experiences were a roller coaster. Major ups and downs. It was crazy. I remember how completely broken and alone I felt during the point where we cut each other out of our lives completely. I remember feeling so confused and asking God what the heck was going on. I remember being on my knees, sobbing, because I didn't understand why I felt such a powerful connection to Ben when I also didn't really want to date him. And then I remember saying, "Heavenly Father, I don't know what is happening here. But I do know you see all. I refuse to date Ben unless it is to marry him one day because the roller coaster is ridiculous. So if I'm supposed to marry him, help me to develop the romantic feelings I need and the strength to bring him back into my life."

I asked God to help me love Ben. And He did.

So as I thought about this on Sunday, I asked myself WHYYYYY I did that. Why didn't I just let him move on with his life without me? Why didn't I just be grateful that he finally left me alone and move on?

It's kind of confusing to me because when I think about all of this, sometimes I think, "I didn't really love him. So why the hell did I marry him?"

But then I start writing about it in my journal or here, and as I write, so many flashbacks hit me and I remember HOW MUCH I loved him. And even though our story is confusing and had so many ups and downs, I can reflect back on everything and see exactly how God prepared me.

I wanted to marry someone else. By the time I started dating Ben, the ex was supposed to come home from his mission in four months. FOUR. But I felt very strongly (and trust me when I say that I was so confused that I leaned on God for every single decision I made at the time) that I was supposed to date and then marry Ben. And I can't deny that.

I went to my local LDS PASG group Sunday night. After all the things I had been feeling (and have been feeling for months now, because let's be honest, I've been in a pit), being at group Sunday was exactly what I needed. Every single woman there said something in the discussion or their shares that I needed to hear.

I volunteered to share first, and I shared all my conflicting feelings about dating and marrying Ben and how I had been questioning everything. Two other women then shared very similar experiences, which was incredibly validating. Then, one woman talked about her dating and marriage experience. She said she didn't know why at the time, but she took the matter to God multiple times, asking His guidance on marrying her husband. She said, "It brings me great comfort now to know how many times God gave me guidance and approval to marry Husband. I didn't know why I kept asking for reassurance at the time, but I can look back now and know I didn't make a mistake. I didn't know about the addiction, but God did. My husband is the same as he was when I married him, I just didn't know all of who he was. But God did. And I know that things will be okay. Whether or not we divorce one day, things will be okay."

That really hit me. I felt so many parallels to my own life.

Life with an addict is HARD. So hard. Sometimes I think really violent thoughts towards him. Sometimes I wish I had never met him. BUT there has been so much good in our relationship. And I can't deny the good.

I think the thing that is the scariest for me is that after everything we have been through, what if we don't actually end up together for eternity because of his choices? I didn't marry him to end up not together. And I don't want to waste my time on this earth trying to make peace in our relationship and dedicate so much of my life to him here only to end up alone there.

I really do love him. Sometimes I block myself from feeling because feeling is too hard. But last night, in my prayer, God reminded me of everything. And as I've been writing this post, so many memories have hit me. I'm looking at all the pictures on the wall of our living room, and I see so much light and happiness in our past, and I see the hope for our future.

Sometimes I just get really mad at God and Ben for being in this situation. Anger is addictive and hard to move past. But I had an experience last night in prayer (that I will share in another post)  and Sunday night in group that I think will help me to finally move past the anger I've been feeling for the past five months.

When I left group on Sunday, I had a renewed dedication to my marriage. I felt a sense of strength towards sticking to my Safety Plan so I and our Little Man are safe. But I also felt a sense of commitment to my marriage and specifically dating each other. We did the whole "starting over" thing last summer and it was great for us. Granted, he was doing really well in recovery and not acting out like he is now. But as I rethink my boundaries and discuss things with him, I'm hoping that SOON, he will reach a point in his recovery where he is sober. He does have to prove his recovery to me. And then we can rebuild.

I'm terrified he will never have sobriety. But I'm trying to have faith, not fear. I know what God wants me to do with my life right now. So I'm taking the reins and doing what needs to be done for MY recovery and healing right now, and I'll let him figure out his.

I CAN heal, even if he is still active in addiction. His acting out should not determine my happiness.
I CAN heal. So I'm going to.

Is trust a choice?

Trust is a funny thing. It's precious. It's something to be earned. But is it something I can choose? I don't know. I haven't quite figured that out. Maybe I'll figure it out as I write.

Sometimes I forget how truly awful this addiction is. I don't know if that makes me forgetful, naive, or blessed, but when I get in a "good place", it's really easy to forget what the addiction has done and can do.

But then things might come up that trigger me or cause me to greatly fear the next big fallout of the cycle.

I haven't written in a while because I went to visit my family for a few weeks, and blogging is not what I wanted to do during that time.

When I left for my trip, I had tons of anxiety. It brought me back to the hell I experienced when I lived in Arkansas and Ben lived in Texas. All the relapses, lies, and trickles of truths hit me again. Along with my past Arkansas trauma, I was also hit with the memory of previous lies and discoveries from earlier in our marriage. So I went to visit my family with this panic settling in my chest, wondering what I could do about it.

On one hand I wanted to trust Ben. Maybe it was intuition or the Spirit, but I just couldn't really trust him. I tried to push my panic off. I tried to live my normal day and not think about what he could be doing. But I found out halfway through my trip that he had been lying and had some episodes the first week I was gone--during the time I had felt all the panic burning in my chest.

But he told me. Not right away. Not without some lying first. But he did tell me.

So do I trust, can I trust, that he told me the truth? The full truth?

He wants forgiveness. He wants our relationship to heal.

But can I forgive and move on? Can I do that after everything? Knowing this is not the end, that it's NEVER the end? Maybe one day will be his last relapse. But can I trust, can I hope that is now? Can I trust or can I hope that things will really be okay? I once trusted that I was doing the right thing in giving my life to him, in planning my family with him. It's hard not to question that when trust has been so horribly broken.

Last week, things were pretty unstable between us. He gave me space. And when I wanted to voice my thoughts, hurt, and anger to him, he listened. He's good like that.

He had been traveling to Arkansas on the weekends while I was there. So we drove home Sunday night. The end of my little vacation with my family and back to real life.

We talked the entire way home. It was really good and very healing for both of us. And I feel a lot closer to him. But now we are back in Texas together, and I'm left to wonder what steps to take next. Really, I know what to do because it's what I always do. I feel things out and take baby steps as I see fit and as I feel safe. I hold on to my boundaries to keep myself safe. And I try to work together with him. Because I keep reminding myself that the real enemy is the addiction. I'm trying to see him as he really is, a son of God, not just as an addict.

But, trust. Trust keeps coming to my head. I wish I had some super wise words to share about what I'm learning about trust. But I don't really have any. I think I'm learning a lot, though.

Trust is something to be earned. He has to prove himself trustworthy. And he is trying [I think--see? Trust issues].

But can trust be chosen? If I see that he is truly making efforts, can I let go of my pain and hurt? Can I forgive and trust again like the snap of a finger?

I don't know. Sometimes I think I can choose trust. And maybe I can in certain moments because maybe I feel safe in those moments. But sometimes I can't choose trust because I don't feel safe in the moment.

I couldn't choose to trust Ben when I went to Arkansas. I didn't feel safe. My gut was screaming at me that something was going wrong. Maybe it was a result of my past trauma (which I thought it was, and that is why I tried to just push it off and choose to trust him. But I couldn't fully trust him). But maybe it was a warning that something was happening or going to happen.

But I feel like right now I can choose to trust him with some things. It feels conditional on how he behaves--is he sharing certain information with me? Does he seem to be actively seeking recovery? Is he doing things to prove that he can be trusted? Maybe it's more of a combination of his healing along with mine. Maybe as he heals, and as I heal, that is how trust can be mended. And maybe I can choose to trust when I feel safe, and maybe a trauma response or traumatic memory will hit and I can't trust in that moment. I think that is okay.

What I've learned the most about trust, though, is that nothing in this life is consistent or stable. I can't put my trust 100% in Ben because he is human. I can trust him enough to bear his child and remain married to him, but I can't trust him with my all. I can, however, trust my Savior, Jesus Christ. He is the one in whom I can put my trust. He is the one who can truly bear the weight of my pain. He can lift me up. He can comfort me when I cry. He can send me angels. He can send me warnings. He can bring me peace. He can do anything.

So while I'm trying to figure out the trust issues with Ben, I know for sure I can lean on Christ. Always. So I'll stick to that for now.

The brightest of lights

I have so much to say. So many thoughts rambling through my head, and I'm not quite sure how to express what is going on.

Two completely opposite emotions are raging inside me: joy and depression. I've written about my depression a little bit (last week), but I'm wanting to be more specific. I'll probably have to split this into multiple posts.

I'm experiencing a tremendous amount of joy. That's because I'm pregnant! And because my relationship with Ben is in a crazy high place and trust is flooding back in.

Now we can all cheer because, holy crap, I'm pregnant! 

I haven't written about it on this blog because now that my recovery and healing is mixed with my "real" life, I couldn't bring myself to discuss the matter here. Too much at stake. I've had a lot of fears about miscarrying, which would take a huge toll on both Ben and me in a lot of ways, and I didn't want everyone in that business. Some things just need to be my business for a time.

However, once I was able to bust through those fears, I decided I wanted to share this part of my story even though I'm only 10 weeks. Because this is huge. This is a significant part of our story, and I felt very strongly over the weekend that now is the time it needs to be shared.

I've written a little about my faith crisis. I'm still struggling, and I don't expect it to be resolved or go away very easily. That's okay because in reality, I'm finding that working through a faith crisis is a beautiful thing (or at least, I keep telling myself that). Anyway, when we found out I am pregnant, it came as a complete shock (and has provided some healing to parts of my faith crisis).

I mean, seriously. We reached a LOW this year. A major low. Divorce became an real option. Damage had been done, and there was much to work through and sort out. When I quit my job early and moved to Texas, it was on complete faith in God. I loved my job. I still miss it. But I felt that taking care of us and paving the way to healing, not only for us, but for our future family, was the most important thing we could do.

People knew of our situation. People knew we had also struggled with infertility. I was warned by a handful of people to be careful not to rush into baby-making when we were so fragile (I even experienced that advice after knowing I was pregnant, while no one else knew). I had that mindset of warning and care-taking. And I was careful, but I also followed the spirit.

When I had the idea that we needed to start over to heal our relationship, I know it was revelation from God. So we dated and took physical intimacy off the table for a while. We gradually worked our way to intimacy and were eventually led to a point where we both felt fairly safe. I knew we would not be divorcing any time soon (or ever...hopefully). Divorce was no longer on the radar. Family was. Family and healing became priority, and they seemed to come together. 

I took the matter to the Lord. After all, He had not let me down. And eventually (or quickly), I was pregnant.

It did come as a shock. After all this time, after all the battles we have faced, I was not anticipating this one being resolved so quickly and with no medical intervention. Tender mercy. God's timing.

Being pregnant has been really hard. I thought since my life has had so many challenges anyway, I deserved to have an easy pregnancy whenever it should eventually happen. That has not been the case. Pregnancy has not been easy, but that's okay. I've seen God's hand in all of this. And maybe that's why it's not easy. Because if I didn't have to pay attention to that kind of stuff, I wouldn't actually know what God was doing with my life.

For one thing, the timing on this is amazing. I mean, words cannot even express the joy both Ben and I feel with the fact that we are welcoming in a little one soon. That joy has brought us so much closer together, and the timing on that is perfect because we need this. We need this joy and this love we are experiencing after all the hell we have been through. Some people say that having a pregnancy and baby will cause more problems, and I know that is true in its own way. It will be hard. I am positive of that. But it's taking a positive emotional turn on our relationship, rather than a negative one.

Here's why:

Ben has been given countless opportunities to serve me. And, I just feel weak and pathetic because of how sick I am. It's been hard and kind of a shot at my ego and pride to have to lean on him for everything. But he does it, willingly and graciously. He listens to me complain about having no food to eat because I have thrown up most of my options. He does dishes. He holds me when I cry because it's so hard being so sick. He makes an effort to spend time with me when he is stressed about work and could be spending that time working. And he lets me eat all the ice cream.

I'm seeing the Ben I married emerge. The Ben who has been lost because of the addiction. The kind, gentle, selfless man who I was lucky enough to snag. The guy that every girl would be jealous to have because he is that great. That's the guy who is present in our marriage right now.

I'm learning to trust him again. I mean, I already trusted him enough to carry his child. But there are different kinds of healing of trust that needed to take place, and they are. They are.

While I'm sick and feel icky and gross much of the time, this pregnancy has provided much emotional healing. And I feel so grateful for it.

I know it's God's timing. I see it. I see it manifested in so many ways, and words cannot even express what that does for me.

I know I needed to leave Arkansas when I did. At the time, our relationship was only getting worse, and we needed to heal. Had I spent more time there, it would have gotten way worse--to what point, I'm not exactly sure. But I know it would have gotten worse, and the road to healing would have been much harder to bear. I know I would not be pregnant. And this joy we both feel, and the peace we are experiencing in our marriage right now, would be nonexistent. I know that. And that is how I know God has had His hand in all of this. The entire time. He knew exactly when we needed a child. He knew exactly what we needed to grow. Our trials are not over, but as I put my trust in God and see how perfect His plan is, it gets easier to trust Him all the more.

This is beautiful to me. The challenges Ben and I have faced have been horrible. Yet, from the darkness and horrors can emerge beauty. I'm keeping my eyes open to the beauty. I am trying to be find things to be grateful for every day, and I'm finding that my life is not at all what I imagined. It's better.

I know that sounds so cheesy and silly. And maybe to people who are in the thick of the hell the addiction brings, that may feel like, "Yeah, yeah, let's see how things are in a year. Maybe it won't feel so beautiful." And maybe that's true. But I have found that when I face the darkest of darks, I eventually experience the brightest of lights.

I have so much hope for the future. The addiction isn't resolved. It will always be a problem. But because of times like this, I can see the true potential of my eternal marriage, and I know that somehow, no matter what, things will be okay. [Even if it were to end in divorce some day. No matter what, I know God is guiding me.]


ANDDD I'll get to the rest of what I was going to write later. After writing about and reminding myself of all the joy, I no longer feel inclined to write about the depression. Plus, this post is pretty long anyway.

God has not abandoned me

I want to thank everyone who reached out to me yesterday, and for the comments you left for me on my post. Yesterday was emotional.

After writing my post, I reached out to a few people. I talked to them about the basics of what I was feeling, and they helped me identify some underlying problems that I wasn't recognizing.

One friend told me to lean on God because "He will never abandon you."

I've been experiencing a faith crisis. I'm really struggling with my testimony of certain things, but I'm trying to hold on to what I know and let that guide me. I don't feel like going into detail, but it's similar to what Ben wrote about on his blog today.

So while I've been experiencing this faith crisis and feeling like I'm going through a funk, I've been withdrawing from basically everyone around me. Including God.

Friend: "Turn to God. He will never abandon you."

Me: "But, I feel like I'm abandoning Him."

Bring on the sniffles and kleenexes.

I have felt like I'm abandoning God. I've had major trust issues with Him, which I think is understandable, and I'm trying not to be too hard on myself about it. I know He is there. That is one of the things I hold on to in my faith. I know I can be healed through Him. But when everything seems so hard, well, so do the things that bring me closer to God and help me feel peace. So, I take baby steps every day (I study my scriptures, thought it may not be as intently as I feel like it should be. Or I study my scriptures and feel really good, but when I'm finished, all the things I pushed aside during scripture study come back with full force, as if I never even tried to bring the Spirit in to my heart.). I study my scriptures. I pray. Sometimes my prayers are, "Heavenly Father, this is really hard. I hope you can see that, and I'm sorry I feel like I can't say more."

But while I take these baby steps, sometimes it's more of a robotic, "I must do this because it's right," rather than an actual heartfelt effort. And then I spend much time wallowing in self-pity or questioning God.

I guess that's not total abandonment, but I have just felt like I am abandoning Him. And with that feeling has come the fear that maybe He will give up on me. Maybe He will get tired of my little games (I don't think they are games, but maybe He thinks they are) and whining and give up. Maybe He will give me space to teach me a lesson, and I'll reach out to Him and will have lost my chance.

Fear. Lots of fear.

I've definitely felt Satan tugging at me. I've actually seen a clear image of Satan tugging at me. I know this negativity is not me. I know Satan is trying to bring me down. I've got some things on my plate that He would love to trash. So I'm feeling a constant battle going on.

Last night, I asked Ben to give me a blessing. I've actually asked a few times in the past month or so, but then I get scared and say nevermind, or I don't remind him if he forgets when he gets home from work. Last night, I told him it had to happen.

Beforehand, I said a little prayer asking God to build on the faith I have to help me find the peace that I need from the blessing. I asked for clarity and strength.

The blessing was beautiful, and it was certainly one of the most sacred experiences I have had in a long time.

The thing I want to share from it was the promise I was given that God has not abandoned me, nor will He ever abandon me. And He understands. He understands the fears I have. He understands my faith crisis. He understands my trauma, my depression, my "funk." He understands my pain. And He has promised to be there for me when I am ready for Him. And He has promised to heal me.

God has not abandoned me. Even when I feel like I am abandoning Him, He loves me so much that He is still there for me. I'm so grateful for that love.

And I know He has it for all of us. He is always there for all of us. He understands your pain, your suffering. He understands your crisis of faith. He understands it all because He has felt it. He knows exactly what we need to succor us. And He is there with open arms.

Constancy and Hope

Credit

The strength in my relationship with God is growing.

When we are faced with tough trials, we are given two choices: we can draw closer to God, or we can decide He doesn't exist or doesn't care, thus creating distance between ourselves and God. We may even experience a combination of those two choices. There are many reasons we might withdraw from God (and many reasons I have withdrawn from God on occasion), but the joys of coming closer to Him are tremendous.

I remember a time when anger was a constant in my body. I was angry with God for encouraging me to marry Ben. I was angry that Ben had betrayed me on so many levels. I was angry that I couldn't see the future and know what would happen. I was angry that I felt so lost and alone. I was angry that I was living this reality. Because this anger was in constant existence in my body, I started having panic attacks and losing the ability to cope with anything, really. I also stopped reading my scriptures and saying heartfelt prayers for a time.

I couldn't tell you how long that phase lasted. I just remember it being there, and it was a growing experience for me. When I look back and think of where I was versus where I am now, there is such a shift. Yes, I still have panic attacks, and I'm not that great at dealing with stress and change. Yes, I feel angry, lost, alone, and confused sometimes. And yes, I have the worst depression I've ever experienced. BUT, I see God every day. Despite all the negatives in my life, God is now my constant, and I find more joy and peace than I ever have before.

Without a doubt, I know God lives. I don't know how He works, and I don't understand everything (or anything, really), but I know He is there. As I study scripture and gain a strength in my understanding and security of my relationship with Him through prayer, it is becoming easier to recognize that He is there, and He always has been (even when I withdrew). When bad things happen, I no longer question the plan (well, okay, I question the plan. But I no longer try to change the plan or think God isn't mindful of me just because things aren't going according to my plan). Rather than questioning His plan, I am trying to embrace it. I am really trying to turn my will over to Him and let things happen as they should.

I'm finding that God knows best. He's always known best. Occasionally He gives us little glimpses into eternity so we can see that His plan is working. On those occasions in my life, I see and feel that things shouldn't be happening any other way, and I see how beautiful His plan really is.

I know that no matter what, God is with me.

I know that salvation is free.

I know that it is His grace that enables me and gives me strength.

I know that the mercy and love of Jesus Christ are what is healing me. I know I could do nothing without Him.

I know that this same grace and mercy allows my husband to repent and me to forgive him.

I know that I will be raised up in immortality if I keep true to God: if I emulate Him, seek His will, and live with charity in my heart.

I have so much hope. I know that divorce is an option now, but I have hope in my marriage. I really do. Because I have hope in the power of repentance and forgiveness through the Atonement, I have hope in my marriage. But even if my marriage doesn't work out, I have hope in the power of healing from this trauma through the Atonement. I have a general hope for my own personal peace and happiness in the future. I have hope that I will enter God's presence again, and for that moment, I jump for joy.

He is Near

This week has been amazing. And by amazing, I mean it amazes me how horribly hard this week has been. It's amazed me how much worse this addiction impacts my life than I thought it did. My husband has amazed me--in a really awful kind of way--twice this week.

But it has amazed me how much light, peace, and beauty can be found in such a time as this.

I'm not here to rag on my husband. I'm not here to tell you about the recent horrible disclosure and how I don't know when I will be able to trust him fully again. I'm not here to tell you about the many tears shed this week, and how I've been just going through the motions every day. And I'm not here to tell you that I hate him and want a divorce (because I don't, by the way).

I'm here to tell you that God has a plan for each of us. I'm here to tell you that God loves me, and He loves you more than you can imagine. I'm here to tell you that you are not alone. You're never alone. He is always there. Sometimes you can't feel Him. Sometimes the darkness seems so thick that it is all you can do to lift your head up, look forward, and hold on to something. Sometimes you want to scream and break things. You want to run and hide. You want to cry your eyeballs out, eat some brownies, and cry some more.

That's okay. He is still with you.

In many ways, my life is falling apart all around me. But one thing is constant: God. He has circled me with His arms in love many times. He has whispered promptings. He has sent angels of mercy to look after me and make sure I'm okay. He has surrounded me with clouds of love, and the love I have felt from on High this week has been so powerful, that I am in tears as I write this.

He loves me. He really, truly, loves me.

He holds me.

He carries me.

I'm not alone in my pain. He has felt it, and He aches for the suffering I am enduring because of my husband. But He has blessed me with grace and mercy, and I am finding this to be an opportunity. I have an opportunity to grow closer to my Father and Elder Brother. I have an opportunity to feel light and share it with others around me. I have an opportunity to trust in the most divine Being and learn how He can really catch me when I fall. I have an opportunity to reach out to others and share my testimony of God's love.

I'm grateful for the strength I am gaining. I am grateful for the faith, understanding, and perspective I am gaining. I am grateful for charity. I am grateful for hope. I am grateful for peace. I am grateful for angels, both in Heaven and on Earth.

I am grateful for my Savior, for it is through Him that I know I can be saved. And it is through Him that I know my husband can be saved. It is through Him that I know I will make it through this experience. And it is through Him that I will be able to forgive and trust my husband again one day.

This is how I described how I feel in my journal this morning:

"I will be okay. I have felt immeasurable amounts of love this week. I know I am being carried by God. I don't know exactly how to describe it, but I hope I can remember this feeling forever. It's like I'm floating on treacherous waves, and God has reached His hand out to pull me up onto the raft. On this raft is the only speck of sun. The sun is shining down on me because He is with me, and in that spot, the water is calm. I know the tossing waves won't throw me off the raft because He has given me peace in my exact landing spot.

"I know I'm not alone. I see it in the love everyone is showing me right now. I see it in the concern of friends volunteering to do anything for me. I see it in my dog who loves me. I see it in my little sister. I see it in the scriptures, and the things I am learning. I see it in the Mormon Messages I watch. I see it in words of the apostles. 

"I feel His love all around me. I know He is guiding our lives. I also know He wants us to succeed, and He won't give up on us. I know I am nothing without Him. He allows me to do all I need to do. I am alive in Him. I am alive because He wants me to be. He is lifting me up. He has never left me, and He never will. I know that. I hope I can hang on to that for the rest of my life."

God has a plan for each of us. I know that the stuff that has happened this week needed to happen. I'm seeing many things fit together and how they have all been part of the plan to get us where we need to go. We do have our agency, but if we can use that agency to do God's will, the plan will work out. If we follow God, we will reach our potential. 

I fear the pain of the road ahead. I could give up now, but I'm not going to. I know that right now, all I am supposed to do is take care of myself, and let God take care of the rest. He will protect me as I travel this road. 

And I hope for the beauty that my marriage can be. I can see it clearly. I really can see it. There is a goal in sight, and that is helping me hang on. 

Look for God's love. It is there, but sometimes we get so depressed that we forget to actually see it and let it envelope our hearts. Look for it. Embrace Him, and you will find that He has already been embracing you.

Christ was Betrayed Too

I've had a lot on my mind over the past week. I've asked myself a lot of questions, and I haven't really been able to find the answers.

There are a lot of unknowns with this addiction, as I'm sure it is with any addiction. Right now, much of the unknowns are focused around his recovery. I hear people talk about "true recovery" vs. "white knuckling," and I don't think I really understand those terms. I also don't know where Ben fits in. Part of me feels like he is in true recovery--meaning that he really is trying. But, I know there is a part of his heart that isn't fully there, so does that mean he is white knuckling? I don't know, and it honestly doesn't matter right now. He is making steps towards recovery, and for that I am grateful.

I'm still experiencing some major trauma. I don't know why, but it bothers me. I think I've gotten accustomed to things, or I think I have forgiven certain things, but then they don't leave me, and I get in this cycle of ruts, pulling myself out, and peace.

Most of my trauma is regarding physical intimacy. Physical intimacy went out of the relationship for a season: about three months, maybe four. I'm not really sure. It got to the point where I just couldn't do it, and he didn't question it or pressure me (thank you). We worked on our emotional intimacy. We worked on healing. I took off my ring at one point. And all of that was NICE. I didn't feel the same disappointment every month with infertility or his relapses. I've been sad at not having children, but I've been more accepting of God's plan with that. During that time, there was no pressure for anything, just the desire to improve our marriage. Things would start going really well, and then he would mess up again. Tension would rise, and our relationship would take a turn backwards. But each time it became easier to recover.

Thanksgiving marked the day we started trying to have kids again (purely coincidental date btw). Things just flowed. It felt rewarding and beautiful. And then the next time...everything hit me. Questions. Trauma. Emotion. Everything.

What is he thinking about while we are doing this?
Will I ever feel fully secure in our relationship again?
How hard is he really trying to overcome his addiction?

What if I don't get pregnant this month? Again. Then we will have to keep going...having "scheduled" sex while fighting the trauma of his addiction.

Trying to get pregnant puts a strain on your physical relationship. I mean, I can't speak for everyone. I can only speak from the perspective of being married to a sex-addict. But it does put on a strain, and it is overwhelming at times.

Right now, I think my biggest fear is that we will try to get pregnant, it won't happen, disappointment will follow, we will start getting strained, he will fall back into old addiction patterns, and then we will have to take another break. The pattern and cycle is really getting to me. I just want to be happy.

I'm praying, praying, that we will be blessed with a child this month.

I've heard countless times that maybe God isn't sending us children because we need to work out the kinks in our relationship so the baby can be raised in a functional home. Or other things along those lines. It makes me sad, and I think that possibly adds to the trauma a little bit more. I see my wopa (wife of porn addict) friends and their families, and I wonder why not me? Because yeah, sure, we have problems in our marriage, but I don't think God is not sending us children just because Ben is a porn addict, and I don't think it's fair to say anything like that to anyone. I know having children won't solve our problems, and I know some things will get a little harder. But at the same time, I feel like we are ready and possibly even need that next step in our relationship. Ben is a really good guy. He is going to be a great father. We are going to be great parents. He is trying to recover from his addiction. He is trying to put God first. He isn't perfect, but no one is.

I've definitely grown from both of these trials (addiction and infertility), along with my other trials (physical trials such as back, feet, and neck, along with the stress of some other personal things) and if anything, I think I'm being prepared for something great. I don't know what that something is, but I'm growing a lot. I feel older than I am. I have faced so many HARD trials, all at the same time, and I feel like I have aged a ton in the past four years. It's weird to look back at when I was 20 and think of how silly I was. I'm 24, and I feel like way more than four years have passed. I think I've grown in ways that normal 24-year-olds don't.

After this week(ish) of trying to get pregnant and giving in to the physical intimacy side (which was only able to come after a lot of work on the emotional intimacy side), he struggled with his addiction again. He masturbated. I don't remember when the last time before that was, and it doesn't matter. It was long enough ago that I was feeling safe, but feeling too safe. I started getting the fears and worries of "When is it going to happen again? When is the addiction going to come back, whether in little pieces or in full force?" I started closing down. I stopped communicating to him, and solid, open communication is something that we have worked really hard to achieve.

When I found out about the masturbation, tons of questions swirled through my mind. I don't feel the need to go into those questions. The main question I came down to, after spending much time studying, pondering, and praying, was "How do I turn this over to Christ?"

I've found a lot of answers and helpful things in the scriptures lately, but something I read today hit me the hardest:

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Christ was betrayed by one of his disciples. I'm assuming since Judas was a disciple, that they were pretty good friends. I'm assuming that there was a lot of love and trust in their relationship. I'm also assuming since Judas was a disciple, he had made covenants with Christ to stand as a witness of Him. I couldn't find that specifically in the scriptures, I'm just using my own thoughts and understanding of the situation.

By betraying Christ, which was the ultimate betrayal, Judas broke bonds of trust and love. Those bonds are similar to the bonds we have in marriage. Christ felt pain. He probably felt heartbroken. He even felt alone when he cried, "My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?" (Matt. 27:46).

He has felt the betrayal. His betrayal was even greater than my own. Not only that, but He took upon Himself all of the pains we have felt, no matter the cause, when He was in the Garden. He has felt every bit of the pain I have felt, both from the infertility and the addiction. He has felt the pain of my unanswered questions. He has felt the pain of my trauma. He has felt it all.

He has felt it all so He would know how to succor me. He has felt it all so He would know how to lift me up.

And He can heal me. He can heal all.

He has promised to be with us always as long as we are faithful.

This gives me peace. I still have unanswered questions and pains. I still have fears, but I know as I turn it all over to Christ, I can be healed. I have a long way to go for healing. I also have a long way to go for complete humility and desire to do His will. But I'm working. And Ben is working. We are both imperfect, and I can't really expect more than hard work and steady progress on his part, even if the progress feels incredibly slow sometimes.

Ben the Beast

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Last week, I watched part of Beauty and the Beast at my brother- and sister-in-law’s house. I haven’t seen that movie in a very long time.

The part that was on when we arrived at their house was when Gaston tries to kill Beast. I recognized the look in Beast’s eyes: he looked like he had pretty much given up and was allowing himself to be defeated. He had no hope. Suddenly, Belle rode up on her horse, and yelled Beast’s name. When he looked up and saw her there for him, Beast gained the courage he needed to use his strength to fight Gaston and save himself so he could be with Belle.

While this was happening, I thought of the transformation that had occurred in Beast throughout the movie. At the beginning, he was rough and unlovable. He had been transformed into a hideous monster because of his selfishness, and the spell could only be broken when he learned to love and be loved. He thought himself to be unlovable, and it wasn’t until Belle came into his life that things started changing.

I discovered so many parallels in this story to my life. Because of the addiction, there have been times when Ben thought himself unlovable. He has been the beast. He has been angry and selfish and hurtful. He has done things in moments of selfishness that have broken my heart.

And yet, I see the prince inside him, and I stand by him. There are times that he and I are both stubborn and our relationship takes a wrong turn, but together, the good in him is becoming more dominant than the beast of addiction. During times when he is willing to give up, I am there. I hope that my presence will help him have courage and strength to fight off Satan and live a life of true love and happiness.

Let me be clear, I know fighting the addiction is not my job. I know that Ben has to find it in him to be healed through Christ and take the steps necessary to ward off Satan. I know that he has much work to do, and it is most definitely not up to me to make our marriage work.

However, I am discovering where my role is in his recovery. I am finding the difference between his nature and the nature of his addiction. I feel very lucky because when Ben messes up, most of the time, he has his own trauma to work through. That trauma usually has to do with his love for me and disappointment in himself for letting me, himself, and God down again. It makes him sick to know what he is doing to me. Yes, he still does it, and yes it hurts every time, but we are coming to the point where we are experiencing true intimacy again. Not physical, but emotional intimacy. I can open up to him and tell him how I feel. I can be open and honest about what the addiction is doing to me and to us, and he listens. I can accept his apology and still be hurt and need space, and he knows and accepts that. I can take my time and work through things, and he is patient with me as I do so.

I do have a role in his recovery. I am doing my best to figure out exactly what it is. Based on experiences in my marriage, I am finding what works and doesn’t work. I know I have to be firm, yet loving. I have to be stern, and forgiving. I have to keep myself safe, but I can still help him in some ways while keeping myself safe. Sometimes, it’s brutal honesty that is necessary for both him and me. Sometimes, I have to be more guarded and lean on outside support people. But I always try to be there for him when he needs to talk about things, even if it pains me—just as I appreciate him being there for me even when what I have to say hurts him.

While we work through this, I have this part of me that is full of hope for us. I’m always full of hope that I will be okay because no matter what, I have Christ, and I know I can be healed through Him. The part I rarely admit out loud is that I am holding out hope that Ben will be healed and our marriage will survive this. I’ll admit, divorce is almost always on the back burner. I know now that sometimes divorce has to happen. When we got married, I totally had the mind-frame that we would never get divorced, and I thought we could work through anything. I know now that some things might not be able to be worked through. We will see. But, I have this sliver of hope in the back of my mind telling me he will be healed, and we will make it through this. Then, after we get through this, we can get through anything. I mean, who knows? But, that hope is there.

I recognize that it could be a long while before he is fully healed and our marriage is in a great place. But, lately, we’ve been getting to a good place. When things happen that mess up the “good place”, I’m still able to reflect on the things I’m learning and use the strength I’ve gained (along with the Lord) to help me rise up and be resilient.

No matter what happens, like Belle, I’m ready to ride up in my horse and give Ben support when Satan is kicking him down. I think it’s when he is being kicked down that he needs my love and support the most (and then, when he is steady on his feet, he can support me while I collapse from the heat of the battle). Granted, that is when it’s kind of the scariest because I don’t know whether he will be in total addict-mode or hitting rock bottom and feeling humble. I pray that he will be humble and continue fighting Satan so our marriage can thrive. 

Owning my Story

One of the big takeaways I had from the TogethernessProject is that I need to be more open. I need to own my story. It’s my story. Yes, it’s also my husband’s. But this side, the spouse side of things, is mine. I own this side, and it’s my story to tell.

I’ve actually been wanting to be more open. I didn’t ever want to write an anonymous blog. I didn’t want this to be a big, huge, hairy scary secret. I have always just wanted to be me. I’ve wanted to tell friends and family. I’ve wanted it to be something we’re not ashamed of. I was once ashamed—back when being married to a porn addict was a fresh idea and definitely not one I was fond of. I’m still not in love with that fact, but I am in love with my husband. And honestly? I’m more proud of the ground we have covered and the growth we have experienced than ashamed. Really. We are AWESOME!

When I originally felt prompted to start my blog, my husband was afraid. Out of respect for him, I kept the secret. I also kept the secret a little out of fear because my bishop told me that the addiction was between us, and if I blabbed to the world, it might put our marriage in even more turmoil. Well, when you’re in turmoil, more does not. sound. like. fun.

Want to know the reason I started my blog? I had no resources. None. Zip. Zero. Nada! I wanted to be a voice. I wanted to take action, so I prayed to ask how and what I could do. This was my answer. I knew I was not alone. I knew I was not the only wife of a sex addict. I started blogging to help others, to be a resource. I hoped that if people found my blog, they would see that they weren’t alone, and I hoped it could give them strength.

My blog has probably served me more than anyone else. I wrote for about three or four months before I found the LDS Addiction Recovery Blogs website. And then? I started connecting with other women. I started learning from other’s experiences—I was seeing the other end of exactly what I had created my own blog for. I made friends. I felt love. I saw how not crazy I am. I put pieces together, and things started making more sense.

I learned about the Togetherness Project through my blog, and for that I will be eternally grateful. Seriously, I can’t even contain the happiness bursting out of me! I am grinning just thinking about this weekend! :D See? :D I made friends there. I felt loved and secure. I realized even more how beautiful and strong I am becoming because of this trial.

The Togetherness Project helped me gain the courage I needed to tell my husband that this part of the story is mine, and I want to own it. I believe experiences are to be learned from and shared so others can learn from them too. I stood up to my fears to tell him that. Believe me, it was scary. I had so much anxiety about it that I thought I might pass out while I was waiting for him to pick me up from the airport. The Togetherness Project also helped me gain the courage to tell him that I want to give firesides in our stake and actually follow through with that (we have talked about that in the past…but you can’t publicly speak about something that is a big, huge secret).

I’m reaching out.

I feel Satan pushing against me, mainly through fear. I’m not letting him win.

I agreed to be in a picture that will be on someone else’s blog. My face. On a WoPA blog.

I reached out to Jacy and told her of my dream to help the women living down in my area. Being a voice against porn/sex addiction is a passion of mine. I have ideas. But I can’t fulfill any of my dreams or ideas if this is a secret part of my life.

The secret’s out. I’m being brave. People might talk. People might judge the situation. I might feel more alone at times, but I don’t care because it is worth it to me if I can help other women realize they are not alone in this. I felt alone for too long, and I know many women have felt alone for even longer. So. On that note…

Hi, I’m Kilee. 

This was taken at the Togetherness Project. That's me on the right.
On the left is my friend Alicia. She is awesome!

My middle name is Marie (hence my previous pen-name. Using my middle name seemed less anonymous. Still me). I’m married to a sex-addict, and I love him. Once upon a time, I entertained the thought of divorce. It was a thought that scared the heck out of me because I had only been married a wee six months. Right now, I’m planning on never divorcing him. We are working through our problems, and he is trying to recover from his addiction. But, you know, I guess we will see.

I write about my journey through this trial. However, my life isn’t all about sex addiction. That’s a part of it, yes, a big part, but it’s definitely not all. My life is just life. It's beautiful. It's amazing. It's a gift. I see beauty and joy in every day.

I'm the wife of a sex-addict, but I'm also so much more.

I like to learn. I try to make every moment a learning opportunity. I learn from my students, the youth I work with at church, experiences, books, friends, and family. I don't want any opportunity that could better myself to be missed.

I love to laugh. I love it when I make myself laugh (usually because I’m so weird). I love dancing! I am by no means a good dancer. I just love it, and I love being goofy. I especially love dancing in the car.

I love music! I love to sing and play the piano. Once again, I’m not a great singer, but I totally don’t care! I belt out songs when I am happy or angry. I sing to my husband to cheer him up. I sing to myself to cheer me up. Music is a big part of my life (if you couldn’t tell from the many songs I have posted). Music makes me happy and calms me.

I love to exercise. I love the feeling of being completely exhausted but knowing I’m a beast. I think that comes down to my love for accomplishing hard things. I played sports in high school, which I think has helped me manage tough things in my life. I want to start yoga when I feel like my body is up to it. I also want to run a marathon some day.

I’m one of the most injury/accident-prone people you will ever meet. My life is a series of unfortunate injuries—one after another. My exercising/sports-playing has been put on hold many times due to things I physically can’t do. I did develop a love for swimming, though, which can be done during most of my injuries.

I love creating things. I love to sew, and I especially love to experiment with creating my own patterns. I love to paint and draw. It’s therapeutic for me, but it’s also a passion. I love to cook/bake. I love making people happy with my creations—whatever they may be. I think my love for creation stems from my love for God and what He has given me.

I love watching movies and snuggling under a blanket. Especially on a rainy day.

Speaking of rainy days, I love puddle jumping! Or dancing in the rain.

I also love to read. I love stories—the creation of stories and living through stories. I love imagination and writing. I once wanted to be an author.

I love teenagers. I teach high school, and I work with my church’s youth group (for you LDS-folk, I’m the miamaid adviser). I seriously love it! Teenagers are fun!

I want to have a family more than anything. I’ve been told that maybe I haven’t been able to get pregnant yet because I need to work on my relationship with my husband more. Well, we’re trying. Being infertile is incredibly painful, but it definitely increases my desire for a family. I know I’ll appreciate it more when I do have children. Right now, I just consider my students and youth-group my children. I love and care about them so much. All of the hard things I’m doing are helping prepare me to be a mother. I know that is my divine purpose.

Making myself known is a big step for me. I know it isn’t necessary for everyone, but it just feels right for me. I’ve learned from experience that when God tells me to do something, I need to do it. Putting my name and face on my blog was the biggest prompting I received at the Togetherness Project—I think because it’s the next step toward serving others who are in this situation. It’s right. It’s time for me to be brave. So here I am, putting myself out there. I am a little afraid. Okay, a lot afraid. Now people I know might actually find me (gasp!) and get personal details about my life. That is a scary thought because I tend to keep the details between me and my close peeps. I'm totally okay with being open; it's just the fear of what people might think about me and my life that keeps me closed. I'm stepping out there now because what I want most is to spread the hope and joy I feel.

I'm the wife of a sex-addict. I'm also a woman of many talents and passions. 

Welcome to my corner of the world.

Here’s to hope and joy! Hurrah!

A new day, a fresh start!

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After I wrote my post a couple nights ago, I started crying. Uncontrollably. Mostly because of the itching. Well, it was more than just itching. My legs felt like they were on fire, and the rash seemed like acid burning into my skin. I couldn't handle it.

I asked Jack to give me a blessing. It was all I knew to do because my prayers didn't seem to be working. I don't even know what I expected because, in my eyes, it was obviously not part of The Plan for the nasty itching to go away. I got to the point where I just knew I needed to rely on some source of communication with God, so I asked for a blessing.

A few things stood out to me. First of all, I was not blessed to be healed (not a shock at all. I've never been blessed to be healed), but instead was blessed to have the strength I needed to bear it all night and the next day until I could seek medical attention. That was actually a huge relief because the night before I had barely gotten any sleep because of the rash. And I couldn't see a doctor until after my Professional Development session at school the next day. I was told to rely on Christ. I was also told that many of my physical trials are a result of my stress. And then I was told I have the power and capacity to do all that is necessary for school this coming school-year. If I get overwhelmed, I am to turn it over to Christ and keep pressing on.

I know priesthood blessings are supposed to be full of light, and in many ways this was, but afterwords, I felt overpowered with darkness. I saw the blessings, but I saw so much more negative. Which goes to show that I haven't been in the best frame of mind this week.

First, let me say that being blessed with strength is beautiful. What better way to grow than to be blessed with the strength to bear something. If the trial was removed instantly, there would be no growth. Now, that being said, I don't always have that clear of thinking in the moment of trial.

The main reasons I became depressed were because I read into it too much, and thus became way too hard on myself. I was told to turn to Christ, and I was told that my physical trials are a result of my stress. I've been working so hard to turn my life over to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I've been working just as hard to release and manage my stressors in positive and appropriate ways. I've been trying to turn them over to Christ. I've been trying to take one day at a time. I've been using positive self-talk. I've been taking the time to meditate. I've been trusting that I will be taken care of. Granted, this week has been tough, and I haven't done my absolute best. And that is why I took it so hard. I thought well, I've been working so hard but hit a slump this week. Obviously, God expects my best and is not okay with my slump. He is punishing me with this awful rash to show me that I'm not trusting Him enough or managing my stress as well as I thought. He isn't cutting me any slack. I can't go on. I just can't. I felt like all my efforts were in complete and utter vain.

I cried for a long while. Those thoughts, by themselves, are depressing enough. So, combined with my other depressing thoughts, I was out of control.

All I can say now is that I feel pretty good. I feel blessed. The itching didn't drive me crazy at PD yesterday. We even ended early, and I got time to work in my classroom a little bit. I went to the doctor yesterday afternoon. Between the prescribed steroid cortisone cream and the Benadryl, the itching is at a minimum, and I slept soooooo beautifully last night.

I'm still a little worried [stressed, ironically enough] about the fact that I'm not managing my stress well. I thought I was. And it stresses me out that I have to figure out something new. I'm trying not to be stressed. School starts in one week from Monday. All the sudden, I feel like I am totally not ready at all. But I'll be okay. I just have to turn to God, and I know He will help me.

The stupid thing is that I kind of don't want to. I'm falling back into my stubborn self where I don't want help. I want to do it on my own. I don't want to do it His way because then I get back injuries, foot problems, and rashes on my legs. Not to mention the addiction stuff.  I want Him to cut me some slack. I want things to just be really good for a season.

And then I feel ungrateful and selfish because I know I'm blessed. Things are really good overall. I'm so excited for school to start! The closer it gets, the more excited I feel. The addiction is going well, and Jack was even recently called to the Sunday School presidency, which is a sign to me that God trusts him, so I'm trying to trust him more too. The itching has significantly gone down, and I was recently "released" from my back issues: I still go in for maintenance check-ups, but I could run and jump and dance if I wanted too! [However, I don't because of my feet, and that's another story.]

I'm too stubborn to repent for the way I have been acting towards God. It's so dumb. I will, though. I'm praying for a softer heart and perspective.

Today is a new day. I'm not going to give up or stay depressed because of all this stuff I just wrote about. I'm going to pray for peace and light. I'm going to keep Satan and his demons away from me. And I'm going to figure out how to live the way God wants me too. I'll call on my angels to help me.

A new day is a fresh start. Every day.

Fear. And a letter to Satan.

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I live my life in fear.

When did this scaredy-pants take over? 

I think it comes down to the various pains I have suffered, and an inner protective wall I have set up for myself.

I have suffered physical pain: horse accident, resulting in back injury; bone spurs, torn tendons, and foot surgery; concussions; broken elbow; a severe form of mono; car accident, resulting in back and neck injury; herniated disc in lower back. The list still goes on.

I have suffered emotional pain.

This list is more complicated, but I think it starts with an incident in elementary school when I was super made fun of for wearing flip flops and not painting my toe-nails. And having HUGE feet. I know. It sounds so dumb, but that really impacted me. From that point on, I didn't want to get made fun of. I wanted to fit in. I wanted other girls to like me (I had just moved to that school and had no friends). Through middle school, I always wanted the hippest clothes. The coolest shoes. I wanted to be part of the "in crowd."

When I started high school, I liked what was going on. I had lots of friends, and boys were noticing me. I was far from being super popular, but I was in a good place in the social network at school. Throughout high school, I became more and more involved in the activities and clubs at school, and I developed more friendships. Well, more superficial friendships. I gained some true friends, but I lost friends who were dear to me in my efforts to be popular.

In high school, I had boyfriend after boyfriend. I thought something was wrong with me if I was single for too long. Those relationships started out carefree and not very serious, but they grew to become more serious as I got older.

I didn't even date good guys. Even some of the Mormon (LDS) guys treated me like crap. I was stood up for Mormon Prom. By my first boyfriend. Thank goodness for the good guy friend who was going stag with our group and made me his date until my date was forced to show up (thanks to my best friend who called him and yelled at him over the phone. We broke up after that night anyway). My next Mormon boyfriend was a druggie. He went to jail while we were dating. After those two, I decided it didn't matter who I dated. As long as I could uphold my standards, it really didn't matter if they were LDS or not. I dated a guy on the basketball team. Who was known for sleeping around. Who liked to "corrupt" good girls. Who slept with one of my good friends while I was on vacation during spring break.

I told him I wasn't the kind of girl he wanted. He said he wanted to clean his life up, and that I was special. So... we dated. I'm grateful to say that he did not succeed in his quest to corrupt me. But, once again, he was trash, and my self-esteem suffered from thinking that the only guys I was capable of attracting were losers, after all. I thought I had no real chance at the type of guy I wanted. I wasn't even sure what I wanted. I guess I had opportunities for better guys, but the bad ones were more attractive. I ended up breaking up with this guy after he tried to convince me to watch pornography with him, and was completely blown away by the fact that I had never tried it nor wanted to. The thought of him still disgusts me.

The next guy was pretty good. We dated for almost 2 years, and then he went on a mission. He played a crucial role in helping me realize who I am and what I can become. He really loved me, and he really cared about me. I was going to marry him.

Dating him was an emotional roller coaster too, though. When you date that long, there are lots of fights. There were also mishaps that scared me. When something did happen that I wanted to talk to the bishop about, he didn't want to. He convinced me not to.

Looking back, I found lots of reasons not to marry him, which helped me make the decision to marry my husband.

 My college life was much better than high school. When I came to college, I was more than ready to start over. I left my high school experiences behind me and became someone new. I became the girl I wanted to be. I was fearless. I asked guys on dates. I went on lots of dates. I didn't get into anything serious for almost two years. I partied (Mormon style). I had fun. I stayed up all night during finals week, both studying and having fun. I grew spiritually. I gained a better sense of who I am. I LOVED MY LIFE! I loved who I was.

And then I met my husband. (Haha that sounds bad. I still love my life, and I love my husband. Just in case you were wondering.)

I met my husband. He really liked me, but I was still in my noncommittal party stage. I loved everything about being single. I loved crushing on guys, but then when I got them, I couldn't commit. He stuck around. He was okay with being my best friend. Eventually, his persistence paid off. After many "I don't want to date you"s and "I'm not attracted to you like that"s, I realized I couldn't live without him, and we started dating for serious.

Before we got engaged, I asked him if he struggled with pornography (question, thanks to my bishop growing up who made me promise to ask the guy I considered marrying). He said no.  We laughed that I would ask such a silly question to the man who treated me like a perfect queen...

I was prepared to live happily ever after.

You know those lists you make in young women's? Or those letters to your future self about your dreams. Then you read it ten years later and see if you realized your dreams came true? I wrote one about my future husband. I had finally turned my life around and was marrying the man of my dreams.

Fast forward.

We got married. I was in a car accident. Intimacy faded during the "honeymoon stage." Yeah, we didn't get that blissful newly-wed honeymoon stage. Things got really hard. We fought a lot. It seemed like there was always tension. Words can't even describe how painfully hard that time was for me (well, both of us). Physically and emotionally.

And finally, when things are looking up, I find out that he has been addicted to pornography for most of his life and has been struggling with it for half of our marriage already.

I felt cheated.

I felt lied to.

Things definitely got worse before they got better. I'm just glad he told me that right before General Conference. There were many inspired talks just for me at that conference. I'm also glad he told me, rather than me finding out.

Since then, we have had many ups and downs. Right now, we are on a really good up cycle.

But, with my other physical and emotional trials right now, I am living in fear. Of everything. I'm afraid that my mom is going to die. Or one of my sisters. Or my dad. Or my brothers. Or my husband!

I'm afraid that I will suffer another back injury after I fix this one.

I'm afraid that my feet and back won't make it through teaching next year.

I'm afraid that my husband won't overcome his addiction.

I'm afraid that I could have married someone without this addiction.

I'm afraid of spiders. I'm afraid I will get bitten by a poisonous one. And die. 

I'm afraid that I will never be able to have kids.

I'm afraid when I do have kids, my dog will get jealous and attack them. Or they will get kidnapped.

I'm afraid of loss. But I'm afraid of gain.

I'm afraid of change.

I know I'm a little dramatic. But I'm afraid if my husband goes somewhere, and I am mad at him when he leaves, then he will die and the last thing I would have said to him in this life would have been mean or angry.

I hate being afraid.

I miss the old me. I miss who I was when I was five and wasn't afraid of anything. I was the yellow ranger. I was an explorer. I saved my friends from pirates. I saved the bad guys from sudden death so I could keep fighting them. I played outside. I ate brown leaves to see if they tasted like chocolate. I tried to nurse a bird back to health. I tried to hatch an egg. I was a mermaid. I was a power-puff girl.

I wanted to be a writer. I wanted to be an artist. I wanted to be a basketball star. I wanted to be a nurse. I wanted to be a teacher. I knew I could be anything I wanted.

And I was afraid of NOTHING. Nothing stopped me. Anything that could stop me was a challenge, and I loved figuring out challenges.

So, to the girl who tried to hatch an egg, saved her friends from pirates, danced in the rain at 3 am in her bra and underwear (if that triggers you, come on. stop it), asked guys on dates, drove around BYU campus blasting "All I Want For Christmas Is You" and picking up random guys to serenade then dropping them off wherever they wanted, there is no need to fear! The time to stop being afraid is now.

I spent my scripture study yesterday learning about fear. The fear I experience is not the good kind of fear (which I knew). It's been thrust upon me by Satan, the evil spirit who wants me to be full of hatred. He wants me to be scared. Because he can't stand to see me happy. Oh, and guess what? I've been letting him win! Ugh.

He wants my husband to have low self-esteem. He wants him to keep falling.

He wants us to fight. He wants to destroy my family. And yours.

He doesn't want me to follow God's plan. So he places fears in my path to try to stop me. He doesn't want me to be successful. FEAR is his best weapon against me. It works. Sometimes, I let myself get so wrapped up in fear that I lose sight of what is true.

Here is the truth:

I love my husband. I know without a doubt that we were meant to be together, with his addiction or without. But I have a strong feeling that his addiction is part of the reason we were meant to be together.

My husband is my dream-guy. He is everything I want and need. And more.

If someone I love dies, it will be tough, but it will be okay. I understand the plan of salvation. I'll know they are in a better place. I can't let my fear of dying, or my fear of someone else dying, make me a wimp. I need to just live and have fun. After all, "you only live once!"

God wants me to teach. He wants me to teach at the school where my job exists. I know that. I have had it confirmed to me in numerous ways. So, my feet and back will make it. And I will love it. I already to love it (from my long-term sub experience).

My husband will overcome his addictions. Maybe it won't be this year. Maybe it won't be in ten years. Maybe it won't be in thirty years. But he will. He will because he is a good man. He is trying. He is struggling, but he is trying. We have both caught glimpses of what our life can be like addiction-free. And I know he can do it.

I will have children. My patriarchal blessing tells me so.

Change is good. I embrace change. I embrace change because it helps me practice dealing with it better. And I firmly believe everything happens for a reason. Any change that happens is because there is something to learn or gain from it.

The last bit of truth I want to share is based off of something I heard at group last night: I love my trials. If this life is for me to prepare to meet God, and the only way I can really prepare is through these experiences that will humble me and help me draw closer to Christ, why would I wish them away? That is basically like wishing life away. I love life. I really, truly do. I love life! With all its ups and downs. I would not change my situation at all. Everything I have experienced has helped me become the woman I am. I would not change a single thing.

I just want to finish this post with a letter to Satan.

Dear Satan:

I don't like you. You are a ruiner.
You are here to take over our bodies and ruin our lives. You are trying to ruin my family.
You are evil.
You don't care about me. I don't care about you.
Don't think for a second that I can't see through you. You may be dark, but the light of Christ helps me find my way.
 I'm glad God didn't choose your plan because you were going to take away one of the most important things I have: AGENCY.
And with that agency, I am now kicking you out. Out of my house. Out of my marriage. Out of my brain. Out of my heart.
No more fear. No more anxiety. I'm done with it! I'm done with you.
I know it won't be easy. I know we will still struggle, but I am going to do everything in my power to bring more light in so the darkness will be shut out.
I will make sure my husband and I pray together every day. I will make sure we have meaningful scripture study together. I will make sure we have FHE.
If you are threatening him, I will be his protector. I will karate chop you right on out the door.
And guess what? I overcame my fears about the future, and we are going to start building our family. It might take a while. With my medical history, it is likely to take a long time to get pregnant. But we are going to start trying. And when we do have kids, we are going to teach them the ways of God. You will not stand in our way.
 Get out.

Sincerely,
Your worse nightmare.

I'm ready to sanctify myself to God. I'm ready to consecrate myself more than I have before. I'm ready for life. I'm ready for purpose. I'm ready to begin being me again!

***POST EDIT: In case you were wondering, we have spent a lot of time this week trying to decide if we should start trying to have children. Again. Yesterday, I made a list of reasons holding me back. They were all fears. Fear of the emotional roller coaster. Fear of my health problems getting in the way again (they aren't all the way healed, but they are getting good enough). Fear of more frequent sexual intimacy... even though our relationship is doing really well right now. There is a whole lot on my list. And it all boils down to fear. I initially started writing this post about something different, but I couldn't stop thinking about how ridiculous all my fears are and how irritated I was about it. Along with other things. So, I hope that explains a little bit where this post came from. 

Thoughts--Atonement

I love it when I'm studying and then BAM! light hits me right in the face. For the past few days, I have been studying the Atonement, and I want to share with you what I have been thinking about and feeling!

The following is directly from my journal that I have been writing while studying.
Disclaimer: these are my thoughts and that does not mean the questions I have posed for myself or things I have learned are doctrine. They are just my thoughts and things that have helped me understand or at least feel peace.

I'm reading a talk by Elder Ballard called "The Atonement and the Value of One Soul."

"The Savior’s precious birth, life, Atonement in the Garden of Gethsemane, suffering on the cross, burial in Joseph’s tomb, and glorious Resurrection all became a renewed reality for us. The Savior’s Resurrection assures all of us that someday we, too, will follow Him and experience our own resurrection. What peace, what comfort this great gift is which comes through the loving grace of Jesus Christ, the Savior and Redeemer of all mankind."

What does all this mean to me? Well, His birth was, first of all, a miracle. Second, His birth signified that His life here on this earth was like mine. He lived a life of man. During that life, He was tempted by Satan. And, I'm sure that His temptations were far more painful and harder to bear than mine (I think that the closer to God you are, the more Satan tempts you and tries to make you switch sides). He lived a life of perfection. I can't, but because He did, and because He suffered my pains and died for my sins, if I turn to Him, I can live with my Heavenly Father again. Without Christ, I would have no nope of exaltation. I would have no way back to Heavenly Father because of the eternal laws of justice. Without this merciful sacrifice, my life in eternity would be ruined. I would have no progression. I would have no lasting happiness. 

Indeed, this brings great peace and comfort to me. He has felt it all. He has felt everything I am experiencing, and more, because He felt it for everyone. And still, He wants me to follow His plan. I don't need to try to change His mind about the plan. He knows what is best. 

When He was on the cross, was there a time when He felt like the plan for Him was wrong? Did He want to turn back? I don't know. There are times, even when I have received revelation, that I question the plan. There are times that I want to turn back because the road is too difficult. Sometimes, I feel like God has left me on my own (even though, I really do know that He hasn't).

He exclaimed, "My God, My God, why hast thou forsaken me?" Is it possible that this pain was more than He thought it would be? More than He expected? Was it almost more than He could bear? Did He truly believe that God had completely left Him? Did God leave Him alone?  Have I not felt all of that before?

I have. And so has Christ (maybe. or maybe my thoughts on this are wrong, but it definitely makes me feel more understood by Him). And because Christ has felt that, it helps Him to succor me.  

When Jesus was on the cross, His will (at that time, and you will see why I think this) was to not fulfill the Atonement. "Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless, not my will, but thine, be done." In D&C 19, it says that He "would" that He might not drink the bitter cup. But because of who He is and His character, He overcame His will by doing the will of God. Christ loved God so perfectly, that He did God's will, even when it was so painfully hard. Christ trusted God's plan, and I'm glad He did because if Christ had given up, we wouldn't have a Savior. 

Christ has felt more pain than I ever will or could. Even He, who was perfect, felt so much pain that He was tempted to not want to complete the sacrifice. If God was willing, Christ was okay with not completing the sacrifice. He did it because it was His plan. Maybe without a push from God (because God sees all), Christ wouldn't have done it. Maybe He was losing sight of the eternal perspective, and He needed the strength of the angels to come help Him.

Christ could have saved Himself from it all. But He didn't because of His love for God and His love for us. When He died, He gave His life up as a ransom for us. He didn't die because anyone forced Him to. He gave it up when He was ready, when He knew the Lord's will was done. 

Giving up my will

Recently, I was faced with a challenging experience that really forced me to put my trust in God.

I like to think I am all-faithful and trusting in God, but when it comes down to it, I still have my moments of weakness and doubt. I still have my fears of giving up my will to do the Lord's.

I am happy to say that in the past 24 hours, I have grown quite a bit in the trust category, and because of my experience, I think I am ready to start step 7 on my next post. My lovely husband reminded me of Elder Bednar's CES fireside a few months ago. Basically, he reminded me that I can have faith to get what I want, or I can have faith to let go. The faith to let go and let God work His will is usually harder.

I might lose my job. I might lose the job that I have put so much time and energy into for the past few months, a job that I love and give a lot of service through. It's a job I was led to by God, so I was struggling with the idea of losing it. But, in the past 24 hours, I have come to terms with the possibility of losing it, and if I do, I know that it's not because of anything I have done wrong or that I am not good enough. If I lose my job, it's because that is not where God wants me. If I lose my job, I will be dedicated to figuring out exactly what God does want me to do.

I honestly don't know if I will lose my job or not. I was hired temporarily, with the knowledge that it could become permanent if the person who went on leave chose not to come back. That person is not coming back, but the job is open to the public. So I have competition for this job. Very strong competition, I am told.

I know that I am great at my job, and I know I have given a lot of service and done a lot of good through my job, but maybe God needs me elsewhere. I have put tons of effort in so if the job opened up, they would want me. My direct manager likes me, but the ultimate decision is up to a bigger board.

It's kind of scary... being willing to completely give up my will to do God's. But I'm ready. As I prayed last night, I felt God tell me that He will put me where He wants me, and I have accepted that. 

It's a very special feeling to realize that I am ready to give up what I think is best for what God wants me to do for Him. 

Next post, step 7 :) 

Ps, I had my second interview for this job this morning, and I felt really good about life afterward. I rocked the interview, but we will see. I am excited to find out. Because no matter what I find out, I will be pointed to where God wants me. 

My experience with step 3

"Step 3 is the decision step. In the first two steps, we awakened to what we could not do for ourselves and what we needed God to do for us. Then in step 3 we were introduced to the only thing we could do for God. We could make a decision to open ourselves to Him and surrender our entire lives--past, present, and future--and our will about our lives to Him. Step 3 was an act of agency. It was the most important choice we ever made."

I absolutely love that quote. It is from the very first paragraph of step 3.

When I very first took step 3, I thought I was so ready. I wanted to rid myself of all the negative I had been facing in my life. I wanted to forgive. I wanted to accept my life as it was and take life as it was handed to me. I wanted to have faith in God more than anything. I had faith in Him, but I wanted to have that sure faith where I could trust Him no matter what.

One thing I really struggled with was what it talks about in the second action step: "Change what you can change; accept what you cannot change." I am a control freak. I like things to go my way, and I normally think I'm right (come on, I'm always right ;)). It is really hard for me to have courage to trust someone else's plan for me that just seems so totally wrong. Like seriously, was it really part of the plan for me to marry this guy with this addiction? Was it really part of the plan to suffer this much? (Yes, it was.)

We really struggled. I mean, being students at BYU is tough enough. We both had huge commitments with our majors. We had tons of homework all the time. We were committed to our callings at church. And then we had this to deal with on the side. It was HARD (it still is, or can be, if we aren't careful). Like it says in the first paragraph, when I worked through the first two steps, I was awakened to what I could not do for myself and what I needed God to do for me. This step was beautiful. I gained courage to trust my Father and act according to His will. I tried to trust Him and do what He wanted me to do. I started being more prayerful in every aspect of my life. Like when Husband (that's what I decided to start calling him instead of saying "my husband" all the time) would slip up and I would be left hurting, I would pray. I would ask God what He wanted me to do. What Husband did, I could not change. I had to accept it. But what I could change was my reaction. As I started humbling myself and turning everything over to God (as much as I could. Let's get real, you probably won't be 100% successful at turning everything over to God. The point is to try, though. And there is always repentance when you mess up. There is always the Atonement to lean on), our lives changed.

How did our lives change?

Well for me, I realized where I was being stubborn. As I realized that I was trying to control too much and not turn it over to God, I found my way to humility. I started realizing that He could carry my burden for me, too. It's not all in my hands. I realized that in fact, it couldn't all be in my hands. My life changed by the peace that was brought to me through the Atonement. I would be nowhere if not for Jesus Christ.

That also changed my relationship with Husband. I started trying to emulate Christ more, which brought peace into our marriage. Granted, I was not, am not, perfect. There are many times that I could have been better. But understanding the character of Christ better, trying to emulate that character, and turning my pains, fears, grief over to Him was amazing. I also shared my joys and triumphs with Him (is it really fair to just give Him all the negative?), and that helped me feel so much more pure joy and peace in my life and my relationship with my husband.

I tried to serve more. I turned myself over in prayer and asked what I should do. I always got an answer because there is always something I should do. We found service opportunities together. We started dating again (each other... we started getting to know each other better and open up the lines of communication we once had).

There are so many ways we changed, and it's because I trusted. Had I not trusted, and had he not trusted, we would still be battling each other. Maybe we would be divorced because we would be sick of each other. Maybe we wouldn't be divorced, but maybe we would still have dramatic tension between us, and maybe we would both feel lost and alone. But we don't. We're not. Because we made the choice to turn ourselves over to the Lord. We made the choice to accept what we cannot change but have the courage to change what we can.

I am so happy. SO HAPPY! I have my days though. I'm not always super perky and full of love and joy, but I'm working on it. I know who I want to be, and I can be that person through Christ.

Trusting God opens the door to so many better outcomes in life. He has the eternal perspective. He knows what is going on. Christ knows how to succor us. He knows what we need.

Life is a process. It is a process of doing and becoming. What am I doing right now? I am trusting God. What am I trying to become? An agent in His hands. I am trying to become useful to His kingdom.

This trust, this joy and love, didn't come right away. I learned. I learned and grew through answering the questions and pondering at the end of this chapter. I studied the Atonement. I studied humility. I prayed a lot. I searched the scriptures to find things that would help me trust. And I even when I finished step 3, I still kept my eyes open for things that helped me trust.

Step 3 is crucial to the rest of the steps. Without a foundation and trust, the steps may seem too hard. You don't have to have perfect trust, but you must make the decision to trust or try to trust. When you can trust or are trying to trust, then you have faith that can help you be successful in your journey to recovery.

I love this program. I love the gospel. Without this, my life would be nothing. I would have no meaning or purpose. I would have nothing to fight for. Satan is really trying to destroy us. He is working hard on marriages and families because that is what is most important in God's kingdom. The marriage covenant is what ties all the elements of the gospel together, so that is what he wants to destroy. I'm so grateful that I made the choice to not let him win. He won't destroy me or my family. I'm grateful for a husband who is trying to recover. I can't imagine how much harder this would be if I was on the recovery road without him, but I do know that because of the Atonement, recovery is still possible for those who are doing it alone (so-to-speak. You're not alone, though).

If you feel like you are doing this alone, keep going. God will bless those who seek Him. God will protect those who are faithful to Him.

You all rock!