My Safety Plan/Boundaries

Personal Bill of Rights
  1. I have the right to have a say in what comes into my home.
  2. I have the right to live in a porn- and lust-free home.
  3. I have the right to have a husband who is faithful to me and honors his covenants in mind, body, and spirit.
  4. I have the right to live with a husband who is in recovery.
  5. I have the right to honesty: for me to be frankly honest and to receive honesty from my husband.
  6. I have the right to live in a home where the Spirit is felt, and I feel protected.
  7. I have the right to receive inspiration as to what is best for me.
  8. I have the right to love, trust, and forgive on my timetable.
  9. I have the right to seek help, both temporal and spiritual, in times of distress.
  10. I have the right to confide in whomever I deem to be a safe person.
  11. I have the right to my opinions and preferences.
  12. I have the right to be trusted in the decisions I make.
  13. I have the right to self care: time off, time-outs, art, sewing/crafting, cooking, playing piano, watching movies, exercising, and shopping.
  14. I have the right to a life free of addiction-related fear and trauma.
  15. I have the right to say "I love you" when I feel comfortable and safe saying it.
  16. I have the right to say yes or no to sex.
  17. I have the right to have sex that is driven by connection and love, not lust and porn.
  18. I have the right to sleep in the bed/bedroom by myself.
  19. I have the right to open communication about your addiction and recovery.
  20. I have the right to a husband who follows through with his commitments.
  21. I have the right to a full disclosure.


My Boundaries

  • I have the right to have a say in what comes into my home.
    • If media comes into my home that I deem inappropriate for my home, I will start a discussion with whoever has brought that media in. If I still find it inappropriate, the media will be turned off/thrown away.


  • I have the right to live in a porn- and lust-free home. I have the right to have a husband who is faithful to me in mind, body, and spirit.
    • If I feel that my emotional/spiritual safety has been compromised, I will detach from the relationship and seek revelation. Consequences may include and in- or out-of-house separation for an appropriate amount of time for the relationship and home to become a safe place again.
    • If porn is being accessed through my husband's smart phone, I will either break or sell his phone and keep the profit for myself. If he wants another phone, I will ask that he get a basic phone instead of smart phone.
    • If porn is being accessed on a computer in our home, I will create safety through password protection of the internet and filters. I will also ask him to find a place to work away from our home.
    • If I feel sex is based on lust rather than connection and love, I will detach from the relationship and take physical contact off the table until I can trust that our physical relationship is based on love and connection.


  • I have the right to live with a husband who is in recovery.
    • If my husband is not actively engaged in recovery, I will detach from the relationship and seek revelation about what to do next.
    • Signs I know my husband is in recoveryworking a recovery program; attending meetings regularly; talking regularly with his sponsor; being proactive; exercising; open communication about his addiction and recovery; being engaged in family scripture study, family prayer, and family home evening; seeing a counselor; being kind, patient, loving, helpful, and sensitive to family and individual needs; not playing on his phone too much; and following through with commitments


  • I have the right to honesty.
    • If my husband is dishonest, I will detach from the relationship and seek personal revelation.
    • If my husband will not allow me to express myself honestly, I will ask him to leave (either the room or the home) until he is willing to listen to me with patience, love, and kindness.


  • I have the right to live in a home where the Spirit is felt and I feel protected.
    • If I cannot feel the Spirit in my home and have the gut feeling that my husband’s behaviors are at the root, I will ask questions and expect full disclosure of behavior.
    • If I feel my husband's behaviors are preventing the Spirit from entering our home, I will ask him to leave.


  • I have the right to say yes or no to sex.
    • If I am pressured to have sex, I will take sex off the table until I feel that the home is a safe place and that I am loved because I am me, not because I have a body.


  • I have the right to have sex that is driven by connection and love, not lust and porn.
    • If I have the feeling that sex is driven by lust and porn or that I am being objectified, I will question my husband and expect an honest answer. I will create physical space and take sex off the table. I will prayerfully consider this time when to reinstate it.


  • I have the right to a life free of addiction-related fear and trauma.
    • When those fears enter, I will voice them to my husband, my Savior, and someone in my support circle. If the trauma is too much, I may ask my husband to leave so I can re-center myself and find peace without the addict's interference.
    • If you are looking at porn and masturbating, I will not be undressed around you. You may not come in our room or the bathroom while I am undressed. 

  • I have the right to open communication about your addiction and recovery.
    • I should not have to check in with you to see how you are doing. If I have to check in with you, it makes me feel like your mother. As your spouse, I expect you to check in with me regularly in order to feel safe.
    • If I do not receive regular check-ins, I reserve the right to sleep in a separate space from you until I feel safe and can see your recovery efforts and self-disclosures.

  • I have the right to say "I love you" when I feel comfortable and safe saying it.
    • If, as a result of the trauma from your addiction, I do not feel safe or comfortable saying I love you, then I will not say it. No matter how many times you say it to me.

  • I have the right to a husband who follows through with his commitments.
    • If my husband does not follow through with commitments, I may detach from the relationship emotionally and/or physically and ask for an in- or -out-of-home separation.

  • I have the right to a full disclosure.
    • If my husband is not working on his inventory and does not actively prepare for a full disclosure, I may require an in- or out-of-house separation while I detach emotionally to determine what is best for our family. 
    • I would like a full disclosure by January 15, 2016--date can be renegotiated with an unbiased mediator







4 comments:

  1. I love that you are doing this. It makes a lot of sense and would be a good addition to a safety plan. Praying for you and for continued happiness and recovery.

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  2. I love these. Thank you for the examples.

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  3. I love how you formatted this!

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  4. I love how you formatted this!

    ReplyDelete