Giving thanks

A few weeks ago, Ben and I started setting goals with each other on Sundays. We strive to achieve the goal, and if he makes his goal, I get to give him some kind of reward (ex: I gave him a jar of salsa for the first goal he made... "You're on fire!"). It's a fun little thing we are doing that helps us with communication, among other things.

Last week my goal was to give Ben sincere thanks for something at least twice per day.

Some days were really hard. Because I've been really struggling with anger lately. I've been holding grudges about little things that really aren't that important. I didn't know how to stop it, though. My anger has been starting to hold on to me like an addiction. So, needless to say, it was difficult to give thanks every day when my mind started hooking on the little things that have been irritating me. Sometimes it seems so much easier to just be angry.

However, keeping my eyes peeled for something I could sincerely thank Ben for every day was a good exercise for me. Since that was my goal (and I'm motivated by goals), I wanted to achieve it. I looked hard for those things to thank him for every day. All day. The little things that bothered me were still there, but I could let go of them easier because I needed to find something to thank him for, and I needed to be sincere about it.

Some days I couldn't find my second item of thanks until pretty late in the day. But that's okay.

Now that it's not my goal for the week, I can feel myself going back inside myself with the potential for the anger to sit and fester again. I'm going to try to not let that happen. I want our relationship to be okay, and I know not everything is his fault. I'm not perfect either. It's important to try to move past the little things and give thanks for the good things that do positively impact me.

I felt a slight change of heart last week as I did this exercise. I felt more light and more receptive to Spirit. I don't want to let go of that, so I'm still going to try to focus on gratitude this week.

Sometimes I feel like my heart is hard and tiny these days. But as I give thanks, my heart seems to grow a bit bigger, and the door opens to an abundance of positive light, emotions, and energy. 

Credit

Shouldering pain

Credit

Something weird happened.

Last week was overall pretty amazing. I was happy, and my pregnancy sickness almost completely disappeared. It was like I was living a completely different life. Almost.

I talked to Ben about it on Saturday night. I expressed how happy I had been and my fears that it wouldn't last. I'm really trying. I'm really trying to live to my fullest potential. I'm really trying to turn my hurts over to the Savior and not let the pains I experience bring me to a complete downward spiral. I've been a lot closer to the Savior, and I have felt strength and progress in the way I handled an extremely hurtful situation that happened last Wednesday and how that strength carried me through every day as I battled my depression.

Last week was like a dream. I felt depression coming back on Saturday night. As I talked to Ben, I said, "I think I remember it always being like this. I think I remember being a generally happy, loving, and forgiving person. But I don't really remember. My memory is foggy. It's like, I know I can live like this because it was that way once. If that was reality and not just a dream." He kindly reminded me that I did live a joyful, loving life once upon a time and that I could have that again. The Savior was showing me the light in the darkness. It's joyful weeks like last week that keep me going.

I reached a really high point.

But then, on Monday, the weird thing happened. I woke up and threw up almost all day (among other pregnancy awfuls). It was one of the worst pregnancy sickness days I have experienced. In the morning, I was doing pretty good. I had a positive attitude and every motivation to make it through the day with joy even though my body was trying to tell me it was experiencing anything but joy. However, by mid-afternoon and especially early evening, I was a complete mess. My sickness got worse throughout the day, and in what seemed like the flip of a switch, I was bitter and angry.

I begged God to have mercy on me. I expressed how much I was hurting (my body was hurting everywhere) and how hard it was to go on. I cried and pleaded, and nothing. No pain was taken away. I tried for so long to have a positive attitude, and when my body went to complete crap, I gave up and allowed myself to be bitter and angry at God for throwing that hell day at me when I had been working so hard to make big changes in my life.

After I explored the bitterness for a while, I finally humbled myself enough to pray and dig deep within myself to ask for help through the Atonement. I had voiced to Ben, "I know the Atonement will help me feel less alone and that God hasn't abandoned me. But I'll still be in pain. I don't care if I'm alone. I just want to have less pain. He may give me strength to bear the pain, but I don't want that. I want less pain." [There was probably some swearing in my head].

I honestly didn't know how the Atonement would help me in that moment. I almost didn't believe that I would feel any different. However, I changed my prayers from the begging for mercy and asking for help to asking for help understanding how the Atonement could change me through this or how the power of having the Savior by my side could really help me bear the pain.

Relying on the Atonement to bear the pain, rather than begging for the pain to be taken away, changed the whole situation. It's hard to explain, but I really felt some kind of physical lift of my pain. The pain was lifted just enough that I could think a little more clearly and know I wasn't going to die because of the pain. Ben stayed by my side, holding me and offering comfort, but I felt the presence of angels around me and lifting me up as well. And whenever I took my heart away from the Savior and focused too much on the pain, I lost focus on the Atonement. Thankfully, we have a picture of Christ on our wall, which happened to be in my direct line of sight while I was bedridden. Looking at Him and searching for understanding of the Atonement helped me feel lighter when I felt too weighed down.

It's amazing how light and happy I felt last week to the huge switch in my physical health that caused me to fall into bitterness. But it's also amazing how I can learn time and again lessons about the Atonement. I don't want to ever forget that experience because it really showed me how Christ can help shoulder my burden in a way I haven't experienced before. It's something I can carry with me in all my pains.

I really hate physical pain. I've experienced so much physical pain in my life that it's starting to take a huge emotional toll on me. And physical pain combined with emotional pain seems to hurt exponentially more. But I know that no matter what, I can bear any pain with Christ by my side.

Scoreboard

It's amazing how the trauma resulting from situations in my life can continue to have an impact on my life. No matter how hard I try to deal with my life appropriately.

I've lost a friend because of my depression. Score 1 for Satan and trauma. *sigh*

However, I've been working really hard on my recovery this week. On Sunday, when I had that realization that I don't know how to live a "normal" life, and I don't know how to be happy, I told myself that I will learn. I will find happiness and joy again. I've been taking baby steps this week to regain what has been lost.

I've given myself tasks every day. Things that need to get done. I even write them down so I don't forget (pregnancy brain/foggy depression brain have kicked in a cause me to forget in an instant what I should be working on). I spent time with some friends on Tuesday. I've been working on keeping the apartment clean and in order, something that Ben has put in more than his fair share of doing while I've been in a depressive slump. Heck, I've even cooked dinner EVERY NIGHT THIS WEEK. That is huge for me :)

I have permission from my bishop to find a counselor. The ward will help me pay for it.

Today, I'm going to work on my to-do list. And I'm also going to read a book. Or two.

I've turned to God every day.

And when I was really lost in trauma because of a situation that happened yesterday, I stood back from the moment and looked at the options, "I can lose myself in the depression of this situation. I can be angry and choose to be prideful. Or I can ask God for His help. I can ask for His hand to hold mine as I mourn this situation, and I can ask for Him to speak to my heart and guide me in handling this situation appropriately."

I chose the latter.

It's amazing what reaching out to God first can do. I reached out to Him before anyone else. And I've felt His presence lifting me up when I feel like I'm falling down.

So even though this trauma has had far-reaching effects and have caused a friendship to almost vanish before my eyes, this trauma has also taught me. I've learned how to search my soul. I've learned how to turn to God. I've learned what of the power of gratitude. I've seen beauty in so many ways.

Satan got one point this week. But God is on my team, and with Him, my team has so many more points. 

The brightest of lights

I have so much to say. So many thoughts rambling through my head, and I'm not quite sure how to express what is going on.

Two completely opposite emotions are raging inside me: joy and depression. I've written about my depression a little bit (last week), but I'm wanting to be more specific. I'll probably have to split this into multiple posts.

I'm experiencing a tremendous amount of joy. That's because I'm pregnant! And because my relationship with Ben is in a crazy high place and trust is flooding back in.

Now we can all cheer because, holy crap, I'm pregnant! 

I haven't written about it on this blog because now that my recovery and healing is mixed with my "real" life, I couldn't bring myself to discuss the matter here. Too much at stake. I've had a lot of fears about miscarrying, which would take a huge toll on both Ben and me in a lot of ways, and I didn't want everyone in that business. Some things just need to be my business for a time.

However, once I was able to bust through those fears, I decided I wanted to share this part of my story even though I'm only 10 weeks. Because this is huge. This is a significant part of our story, and I felt very strongly over the weekend that now is the time it needs to be shared.

I've written a little about my faith crisis. I'm still struggling, and I don't expect it to be resolved or go away very easily. That's okay because in reality, I'm finding that working through a faith crisis is a beautiful thing (or at least, I keep telling myself that). Anyway, when we found out I am pregnant, it came as a complete shock (and has provided some healing to parts of my faith crisis).

I mean, seriously. We reached a LOW this year. A major low. Divorce became an real option. Damage had been done, and there was much to work through and sort out. When I quit my job early and moved to Texas, it was on complete faith in God. I loved my job. I still miss it. But I felt that taking care of us and paving the way to healing, not only for us, but for our future family, was the most important thing we could do.

People knew of our situation. People knew we had also struggled with infertility. I was warned by a handful of people to be careful not to rush into baby-making when we were so fragile (I even experienced that advice after knowing I was pregnant, while no one else knew). I had that mindset of warning and care-taking. And I was careful, but I also followed the spirit.

When I had the idea that we needed to start over to heal our relationship, I know it was revelation from God. So we dated and took physical intimacy off the table for a while. We gradually worked our way to intimacy and were eventually led to a point where we both felt fairly safe. I knew we would not be divorcing any time soon (or ever...hopefully). Divorce was no longer on the radar. Family was. Family and healing became priority, and they seemed to come together. 

I took the matter to the Lord. After all, He had not let me down. And eventually (or quickly), I was pregnant.

It did come as a shock. After all this time, after all the battles we have faced, I was not anticipating this one being resolved so quickly and with no medical intervention. Tender mercy. God's timing.

Being pregnant has been really hard. I thought since my life has had so many challenges anyway, I deserved to have an easy pregnancy whenever it should eventually happen. That has not been the case. Pregnancy has not been easy, but that's okay. I've seen God's hand in all of this. And maybe that's why it's not easy. Because if I didn't have to pay attention to that kind of stuff, I wouldn't actually know what God was doing with my life.

For one thing, the timing on this is amazing. I mean, words cannot even express the joy both Ben and I feel with the fact that we are welcoming in a little one soon. That joy has brought us so much closer together, and the timing on that is perfect because we need this. We need this joy and this love we are experiencing after all the hell we have been through. Some people say that having a pregnancy and baby will cause more problems, and I know that is true in its own way. It will be hard. I am positive of that. But it's taking a positive emotional turn on our relationship, rather than a negative one.

Here's why:

Ben has been given countless opportunities to serve me. And, I just feel weak and pathetic because of how sick I am. It's been hard and kind of a shot at my ego and pride to have to lean on him for everything. But he does it, willingly and graciously. He listens to me complain about having no food to eat because I have thrown up most of my options. He does dishes. He holds me when I cry because it's so hard being so sick. He makes an effort to spend time with me when he is stressed about work and could be spending that time working. And he lets me eat all the ice cream.

I'm seeing the Ben I married emerge. The Ben who has been lost because of the addiction. The kind, gentle, selfless man who I was lucky enough to snag. The guy that every girl would be jealous to have because he is that great. That's the guy who is present in our marriage right now.

I'm learning to trust him again. I mean, I already trusted him enough to carry his child. But there are different kinds of healing of trust that needed to take place, and they are. They are.

While I'm sick and feel icky and gross much of the time, this pregnancy has provided much emotional healing. And I feel so grateful for it.

I know it's God's timing. I see it. I see it manifested in so many ways, and words cannot even express what that does for me.

I know I needed to leave Arkansas when I did. At the time, our relationship was only getting worse, and we needed to heal. Had I spent more time there, it would have gotten way worse--to what point, I'm not exactly sure. But I know it would have gotten worse, and the road to healing would have been much harder to bear. I know I would not be pregnant. And this joy we both feel, and the peace we are experiencing in our marriage right now, would be nonexistent. I know that. And that is how I know God has had His hand in all of this. The entire time. He knew exactly when we needed a child. He knew exactly what we needed to grow. Our trials are not over, but as I put my trust in God and see how perfect His plan is, it gets easier to trust Him all the more.

This is beautiful to me. The challenges Ben and I have faced have been horrible. Yet, from the darkness and horrors can emerge beauty. I'm keeping my eyes open to the beauty. I am trying to be find things to be grateful for every day, and I'm finding that my life is not at all what I imagined. It's better.

I know that sounds so cheesy and silly. And maybe to people who are in the thick of the hell the addiction brings, that may feel like, "Yeah, yeah, let's see how things are in a year. Maybe it won't feel so beautiful." And maybe that's true. But I have found that when I face the darkest of darks, I eventually experience the brightest of lights.

I have so much hope for the future. The addiction isn't resolved. It will always be a problem. But because of times like this, I can see the true potential of my eternal marriage, and I know that somehow, no matter what, things will be okay. [Even if it were to end in divorce some day. No matter what, I know God is guiding me.]


ANDDD I'll get to the rest of what I was going to write later. After writing about and reminding myself of all the joy, I no longer feel inclined to write about the depression. Plus, this post is pretty long anyway.

God has not abandoned me

I want to thank everyone who reached out to me yesterday, and for the comments you left for me on my post. Yesterday was emotional.

After writing my post, I reached out to a few people. I talked to them about the basics of what I was feeling, and they helped me identify some underlying problems that I wasn't recognizing.

One friend told me to lean on God because "He will never abandon you."

I've been experiencing a faith crisis. I'm really struggling with my testimony of certain things, but I'm trying to hold on to what I know and let that guide me. I don't feel like going into detail, but it's similar to what Ben wrote about on his blog today.

So while I've been experiencing this faith crisis and feeling like I'm going through a funk, I've been withdrawing from basically everyone around me. Including God.

Friend: "Turn to God. He will never abandon you."

Me: "But, I feel like I'm abandoning Him."

Bring on the sniffles and kleenexes.

I have felt like I'm abandoning God. I've had major trust issues with Him, which I think is understandable, and I'm trying not to be too hard on myself about it. I know He is there. That is one of the things I hold on to in my faith. I know I can be healed through Him. But when everything seems so hard, well, so do the things that bring me closer to God and help me feel peace. So, I take baby steps every day (I study my scriptures, thought it may not be as intently as I feel like it should be. Or I study my scriptures and feel really good, but when I'm finished, all the things I pushed aside during scripture study come back with full force, as if I never even tried to bring the Spirit in to my heart.). I study my scriptures. I pray. Sometimes my prayers are, "Heavenly Father, this is really hard. I hope you can see that, and I'm sorry I feel like I can't say more."

But while I take these baby steps, sometimes it's more of a robotic, "I must do this because it's right," rather than an actual heartfelt effort. And then I spend much time wallowing in self-pity or questioning God.

I guess that's not total abandonment, but I have just felt like I am abandoning Him. And with that feeling has come the fear that maybe He will give up on me. Maybe He will get tired of my little games (I don't think they are games, but maybe He thinks they are) and whining and give up. Maybe He will give me space to teach me a lesson, and I'll reach out to Him and will have lost my chance.

Fear. Lots of fear.

I've definitely felt Satan tugging at me. I've actually seen a clear image of Satan tugging at me. I know this negativity is not me. I know Satan is trying to bring me down. I've got some things on my plate that He would love to trash. So I'm feeling a constant battle going on.

Last night, I asked Ben to give me a blessing. I've actually asked a few times in the past month or so, but then I get scared and say nevermind, or I don't remind him if he forgets when he gets home from work. Last night, I told him it had to happen.

Beforehand, I said a little prayer asking God to build on the faith I have to help me find the peace that I need from the blessing. I asked for clarity and strength.

The blessing was beautiful, and it was certainly one of the most sacred experiences I have had in a long time.

The thing I want to share from it was the promise I was given that God has not abandoned me, nor will He ever abandon me. And He understands. He understands the fears I have. He understands my faith crisis. He understands my trauma, my depression, my "funk." He understands my pain. And He has promised to be there for me when I am ready for Him. And He has promised to heal me.

God has not abandoned me. Even when I feel like I am abandoning Him, He loves me so much that He is still there for me. I'm so grateful for that love.

And I know He has it for all of us. He is always there for all of us. He understands your pain, your suffering. He understands your crisis of faith. He understands it all because He has felt it. He knows exactly what we need to succor us. And He is there with open arms.

God knows our potential

When you are deeply engulfed in pain, no matter what the pain, it can be easy to blame God. It is only too easy to question His plan for you, His love for you, when the pain you are suffering is seemingly placed there by Him. On purpose.

How dare He? (angry face)

I've had so many moments of hatred at God. I usually make up with Him pretty quickly because I realize that life without Him by my side is dark and terrible. Because of these moments of anger and hatred at God, along with the moments where I have abandoned Him and realized I'm much worse off without Him, I've had a lot to think about.

God guided me to Ben. I found Ben because of promptings.

God prompted both of us in ways that led to our dating relationship.

When I took the terrifying idea of marriage to God, I felt like it was right. God wanted me to marry Ben.

Okay, so when I went through HELL with Ben, I had a lot of questions for God. They usually started with "Why?" And they usually ended with tears.

I've been thinking about this concept a lot because while I am doing well right now, I have many close friends who are suffering a faith crisis. And, of course, every once in a while I still question because things are certainly not going according to my plan.

Today as I worked on my 12-Steps, I came across these two quotes:

Elder Richard G. Scott explained: “Now may I share some suggestions with you who face the second source of adversity, the testing that a wise Heavenly Father determines is needed even when you are living a worthy, righteous life and are obedient to His commandments. Just when all seems to be going right, challenges often come in multiple doses applied simultaneously. When those trials are not consequences of your disobedience, they are evidence that the Lord feels you are prepared to grow more (see Prov. 3:11–12). He therefore gives you experiences that stimulate growth, understanding, and compassion which polish you for your everlasting benefit. To get you from where you are to where He wants you to be requires a lot of stretching, and that generally entails discomfort and pain.”

Elder Orson F. Whitney shared: “No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, build[s] up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable…and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we came here to acquire.” 

I've often gotten wrapped up in the idea that sometimes our trials are a result of someone else's agency. That is definitely this trial. But, then, that still leads me to question God. God knew this would happen, so why not help me out? I mean, seriously. I have a lot of theories about that regarding agency. Simply put, if God warned me out of this, that would have taken away Ben's agency along with my own agency for things... Yada yada that is not what I'm talking about, but there you go--simple version. I needed to marry Ben. He had the choice to do what he has done, and I've learned a ton from this trial. I honestly wouldn't trade it (as scary as it is to say that).

Today, what hit me from those quotes was this trial is a challenge that God wants me to face. He knows I can do this. He has given me the tools to survive. He has given me so many blessings to help me through. He is with me always. God has given me this experience to stimulate my growth, to help me become better because He knows my potential. He sees what I can't, and He is allowing me to be stretched.

It sucks. Oh my gosh, this trial sucks. But I feel strength and peace in knowing and understanding that this IS part of the plan. In so many ways.

And I am SO GRATEFUL for that knowledge. Even though it sucks.


(Interesting fact: I was told in a blessing earlier this year that I saw my trials before I came to this earth. I knew what I was up against, and I rejoiced because I knew these trials would bring me closer to God. This little "revelation" I had today reminded me of that blessing along with all the peace I have experienced as I have studied trials, the Plan of Salvation, and the Atonement. Let me say once again how grateful I am for my relationship with God and the knowledge and strength I have because of Him.)

A Moment of Clarity

This morning as I was driving home from lap-swimming, I was caught in a very pleasant moment. That's a big deal because I feel like the past 3 weeks 3 months year has been full of highly unpleasant moments. Pain, depression, yada yada.

As I pondered in that moment, I thought about everything I have experienced with this trial. Well, not only the things I have experienced due to this trial, but this trial on top of everything else (medical issues, infertility, financial woes, etc). And then it all hit me.

I am grateful. 

Not the kind of grateful where I am "counting my blessings" looking for reasons to be grateful, but an actual gratitude for these trials. I was really grateful. I felt it deep in my soul.

But it's not that I'm grateful that my husband looks at porn or masturbates. Or that he lies and deceives. I had a moment of clarity where I saw my divine potential. I saw what I am accomplishing as I face this [torture]. I saw growth, beauty, and hope.

I realized I'm grateful that I was trusted with this trial. I honestly don't know what other trial could bring me to God in the ways this one has. Maybe any other trial could help me grow. I don't know. What I do know is this morning I had a feeling that this trial has been fitted for me. And I am being given divine strength every day. Even on days that I feel weak, ugly, and lost. I am still being given divine strength to make it through.

Then I remembered a priesthood blessing I received a few months ago. In that blessing, I was told that before I came to this earth, I saw the trials I would face, and I rejoiced because I knew they would be the only way I could draw close to God and come to live with Him again. \

I felt that in a moment of clarity this morning. And I'm sharing it with you so maybe you can feel some hope too. It doesn't make it any easier. And I know I'll still have plenty of bad days in the future. But for now, I'm just grateful for what I'm learning and becoming.

Beautiful Heartbreak

I have so much hope and so much peace. I'm grateful for the strength that my Savior has given me this week especially, but throughout all my trials. Sometimes I can't even begin to think I'll make it to the next week, month, or even year. But I do. It's because I turn to Him and He lifts me up.

I want to share a song. It's one of my favorite recovery songs. I can't watch the video without crying (I'm emotionally high-strung these days), but that's okay. It's a peaceful, grateful cry. I hope you watch it because the video is powerful and amazing.

Beautiful Heartbreak--by Hilary Weeks

The first time I really listened to these lyrics, I was wowed. I already owned this song because I loved it when it first came out, and my dad got me the CD for Christmas. But, when I really listened, it put my whole life, all my trials in perspective for me.

When I got married, I had a plan. I had a map of my life, and I knew exactly where I wanted to go (I think we all got married with a life envisioned that was not quite God's plan). The plan was changed when I found a mountain (addiction, infertility, depression) in the middle of my road. I thought there was no way to get over it, so I tried to find a  way around it. Alas, I had to make the terrible climb. When I got to the top, my breath was taken away. The view was beautiful! Actually, I know I haven't made it to the top, but my pit-stops along the way are beautiful. I can't wait to get to the top where I will find that "every fear, every doubt, all the pain I went through was the price that I paid to see this view. And now that I'm here I would never trade the grace that I feel and the faith that I find through the bitter-sweet tears and the sleepless nights. I used to pray He'd take it all away, but instead it became a beautiful heartbreak."

That's how I feel today. I've experienced so much. We all have. Even with this same addiction, each of us has different experiences, and I imagine that I'm not the only one whose plan went a little crazy. I've made friends through this blog who experience similar emotions, but their trial is a little different. The one thing we all have in common is a Savior who loves us, and we are on a journey to find Him.

When I first learned about the addiction, my heart was torn in pieces. There went my plan! I didn't know what to do, and I certainly wasn't sure how I could forgive him for ruining my life. As I've drawn closer to the Savior, I've found forgiveness coming more naturally. Actually, last night was a perfect example.

Last night, we went out to dinner to celebrate Jack's birthday (he feels old, and he is a little stressed about the fact that he is a geezer and doesn't have kids yet. Really, though? He's only 27. It's going to be okay :D). This week has pretty much been all about me: my pain, my sadness, my lashing out at him because he is my punching bag sometimes (I know--not nice of me). I wanted to talk about him. I felt like I should ask him how the addiction stuff was this week while I was emotionally unstable. Annnnnd...there was a little slip-up one night. I could tell by the way he was cautiously telling me what happened that he was afraid of the anger that had the potential to come up and possibly be embarrassing at the restaurant. However, I was not angry. Not even a little bit. In fact, I was grateful that he didn't tell me on Tuesday when it happened because I probably could not have handled that along with my hormones this week (remember what my PMS stands for?). Lately, when he has told me about his slip-ups, I've felt almost immediate forgiveness. Granted, there are times when I hold a little grudge. That doesn't happen very often, though, and I know I need to forgive. I really try hard to be forgiving. After all, he is working so hard (I think). He is trying to rid himself of this addiction, and I know there will be mess-ups. My realistic expectations are that he tells me when he messes up, he tells me about his temptations, and that I can see growth (usually through remorse and dedication to Christ).

I've been very protected and strengthened by peace this week. Last night when he told me about his slip-up, I felt immediate forgiveness. I felt peace, and I felt free of the emotions that I would have experienced two years ago. I could tell Jack was remorseful. He also expressed his concern with not telling me right away and how he didn't know which would be worse: to tell me while I was struggling with the pregnancy thing or not to tell me until I was more in control. He made the right choice in this scenario.

I've been thinking a lot about forgiveness today because of what I read in the Love Dare: Love Forgives.
I'll admit, I was a little tempted to skip this one. The chapters lately have been things that either don't apply or I'm already doing. I'm already forgiving, so skip it, right? Not really. I learned a lot about forgiveness today. Really, I can see the progress I'm making, and it makes me so happy!

The author relates unforgiveness to a prison. When we don't forgive, we imprison and torture ourselves. My freedom--my emotional freedom and freedom from co-dependence--is dependent on my ability to forgive. That totally makes sense to me, and I hadn't really thought of it in quite that way before.

The other thing I learned about forgiveness is that ultimately, forgiveness clears us from worrying about how to punish the person who wronged us (and that is kind of a prison too). When we forgive, we aren't turning them loose, necessarily, we are just turning the situation over to God. Isn't that amazing? Forgiveness allows me to have peace and be free of the prison. It allows me to turn it over to God. And it takes away my responsibility to do anything other than love.

So many things are clicking for me right now. I'm still struggling with my trials, but I'm finding peace and strength, and it's balancing out the pain. I'm grateful I can look back over the mountain and see the glory and beauty of what I have traveled. I'm grateful for my Savior who stands by my side. I'm grateful for the ability I have to forgive and cope in healthy ways. I've come a really long way. I'm excited for what life will continue to bring me!

From dark to light

Credit

Yesterday I was scary. I was so angry and so depressed that I scared myself. At one (extreme) low point, one of my parents' dogs (we are watching the dogs while they are on vacation) was really annoying. I couldn't handle it anymore, so I just ran up to him, got down to his level, and screamed as loud and long as I could (don't worry though. He is a very non-judgmental dog. In fact, he seemed to think it was funny). I can't even describe it other than saying it felt very out of control and desperate. The feelings tied to it were terrifying. 

I prayed a lot yesterday. I studied my scriptures. I did a lot of good things to help with my depression and anxiety. Even though I felt out of control almost all day, by the time I was supposed to go out to this girl's night I helped put together, I was doing okay. And by the time I woke up this morning, I was happy. 

I have been happy today. HAPPY! I have had my moments where the bad tries to creep in, but I made the choice today to be happy, and I was. And it has been beautiful. 

I'm grateful for the sweet peace the gospel brings. I know this peace is from my Father and my Savior. I feel so incredibly blessed today. And, looking back, I am grateful for the darkness so I can relish the light even more. That's one good thing about trials.

Christ. I love Him.

If you're reading this and you're not LDS, you might see the word Book of Mormon and want to click off the screen. I'd say keep reading because what I read today in the Book of Mormon is beautiful. It's about Jesus Christ, His role on earth, and our relationship with Him and His sacrifice.

I'm doing a Book of Mormon challenge with my Sunday School class. I didn't want to at first because I really kind of hate BoM challenges. Jack and I felt inspired to assign it to our class, but I was hesitant because I, myself, did not want to do it. I like doing topical studies or turning to where I feel like I should study. Or I like taking my time and not having a deadline as to when I should finish the Book of Mormon. But I have been doing it, and I'm beating all those 14-year-olds! (haha)

This challenge has been so good for me. For one thing, my testimony of the Book of Mormon is getting stronger. My testimony of Jesus Christ is getting stronger. And I keep finding scriptures at the perfect time I need them. Like today.

Today I read Alma 7. This is one of my favorite passages of scripture ever. In this chapter, Alma describes the Savior's ministry here on earth, and he also tells us what our obligations are to our Savior.

CHRIST:
-He suffered every kind of pain, affliction, and temptation. Every kind! He knows exactly what I'm going through at all times. No matter the pain. No matter the heartache. No matter the temptation. He has felt it, and because He has felt it, He knows exactly how to help me.
-His sufferings allowed Him to be filled with mercy, and He knows how to succor (assist/support in times of distress) us.
-He loosed the bands of death. We can be resurrected and live, body and spirit, forever.
-He took upon Himself all of our sins so we can be completely forgiven. He, who was completely innocent, took upon Himself the burdens of our sins. Because of that, our sins can be blotted out.

A lot of times, people think the Atonement is just for our sins. We forget that it covers everything--pains, afflictions, infirmities, and temptations. I love that in these verses (11-13), it talks about the other stuff before sins. For me, someone who experiences a lot of pain, that is so healing. To realize that those other aspects are just as important (or more-so?) is beautiful. And He can succor me.

US:
-To put the Atonement in effect for us, we have to repent and be born again. We have to be baptized so our sins are washed away.
-We have to have faith in Him and fear not! I feel like fear not is especially for me. I fear a lot. My faith in Christ should help me overcome my fears. I also recognize that fear is of Satan, not of God.
-We are told to be humble, submissive, gentle, easy to be entreated (approachable to for someone to ask us for help), patient, long-suffering, temperate, and diligent. Each of those traits are things I have been working on in my marriage. To have charity. To have a loving relationship with my husband. To exemplify Christ. When I read that today, I was like BOOM! I'm on the right track :)
-We need to ask God for the things we need--both temporal and spiritual. And we must remember to always give thanks for what He gives us.
-And, we must have faith, hope, charity, and remember to serve (good works) others. Look beyond ourselves at others' needs.

Christ gives us so much. He provides the way for us to be healed. He provides the way for us to be made whole.

As I've written, I have been in a lot of pain lately. I know many of you have too from what I've been reading on others' blogs. Christ provides peace. I know I can always turn to Him for my needs to be met. On the days I feel like life is unbearable and unmanageable, I can turn it over to Him. He has given me strength to get through the day. And the next day. And the next. He carries me until I have the ability to carry myself, and then He walks by me. I'm grateful for that because I stumble and fall a lot, and He is there to pick me up (if I let Him).

Christ gives me so much. And I'm not asked nearly as much in return. Besides, all that I'm asked to do makes me better and more receptive to peace and healing.

I love it. I love Him.

I can't express that enough. I. LOVE. HIM.

Another tender mercy

I just want to give a quick shout-out for yet another tender mercy of the Lord.

This morning, when I prayed, I could not think of one single thing I was grateful for. Actually, after a moment of silence, I think I said I was grateful for the fact that I woke up on time so I could try to express gratitude. Sad, right? I felt really bad for God while I was praying. So, I said, "God, I know I have much to be thankful for. I'm just blinded by the darkness right now. So, please, help me to recognize my blessings today and know that you are there."

By noon, I was able to say a prayer that was strictly gratitude :)

That's not why I'm writing. I'm writing because I just checked my email and received the best blessing of the day. Someone emailed me expressing love and concern, and sharing humor and spreading happiness. It was exactly what I needed. I can't even begin to describe how depressed I've been over the past week, especially over the weekend. You've probably picked up on it, but probably not the depth of it. So, if you're reading this, here is another thank you for your sweet, funny email. It made me cry because of the spirit I felt testifying that it was indeed a sign of God's love for me and that people do care, and it made me smile because it was just awesome.

The Lord is watching over us all. I hope we can all see Him and His little acts of love.

I am so grateful for the tender mercies of the Lord that let me know He is always there and always watching over me.


Ps, the thing that got me going today was my study on the Atonement and pain. It really gave me perspective and strength. Click here to read what I wrote about it.

I'd rather be grateful than hateful

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I wrote my post yesterday from the car. We are road trippin' across the state so I can attend a conference/training for a class I am teaching in the fall. Jack is coming with me because he is unemployed... So why not, right? We'll have every night to spend together in a hotel this week. We can do fun touristy stuff too. During the day, he is going to research business ideas he has (we have a really good friend who really wants to start a business with Jack. Might as well look into it since he has the time).

Not long after I finished my post yesterday, our car BROKE DOWN. In the middle of nowhere. Well, we were on the outskirts of a very small town, so it could have been worse.

When the car stopped (that's right, it randomly just powered down and we had to get over to the shoulder and try to get it up and running again), my first thought was prayer. I said to Jack, "You man the wheel, and I'll pray." It was a very sincere prayer. I actually felt like a child. I felt like I was exercising the faith of a child, and I just knew that all would be well because I prayed.

We made it to an O'Reilly store (about four blessed miles later).

The guy working did a diagnostic check for us. We couldn't get a mechanic yesterday. And O'Reilly didn't even have the parts we probably need and won't get them in till this afternoon. So, we booked a hotel, and after multiple failed attempts, we got the car started again.

Again, I told Jack to man the wheel while I prayed. This time, I was even more sincere. The car was in worse shape than it was before, and just the fact that it started was a miracle. I prayed that we would make it to a hotel safely. I prayed that we would have peace and strength. And I prayed that we would be blessed according to our faith. I've never said that in a prayer. Let me tell ya, it was powerful. It was one of the most powerful experiences I have had in prayer. I felt the Spirit so strongly, and I felt safe in God's hands.And when I closed in the name of Jesus Christ, I could feel Him right there with us.

The hotel was only about two miles away from the O'Reilly store. That was the longest two miles of my life. For obvious reasons, we didn't want to just leave all our stuff in our abandoned car and trek to the hotel. We really wanted to make it safely to the hotel: with our car and everything inside. When we started climbing a hill that went over the freeway, Jack kind of freaked out. It did seem like the car was going to stop again, but I just kept repeating that we would be fine.

I knew we would be fine. I just had this really strong feeling that our faith was being tested and that God wanted us to put our faith in Him.

Jack has been really anxious about this all day. I haven't been. I mean, yeah, it's a HUGE inconvenience. If we don't make it to the conference, the school probably won't pay for this trip: the hotel we had to stay in last night, our dinner (and food for today), and our gas/mileage will be coming out of our pocket. That and whatever it takes to repair this beast. And, as you all know, Jack doesn't have a job, and I don't get my next paycheck until school starts in the fall. He has been stressing about it a lot, and I really don't blame him. He stresses more about finances than I do.

I, on the other hand, have not been stressing. I'm actually kind of grateful our car broke down. It gave us an adventure together. It gave us the opportunity to depend on God together. It made us work together. It might make us go into more debt together, if worst comes to worst, but I know that God will take care of us. I know that somehow it will all work out. And we are together in this. Last night and this morning have been nice because it's been so non-stressful for me. We have nowhere to go. If we wanted to go anywhere, we have no way. We have to just relax and spend time together. We got to talk. I got to express some feelings that needed repair from a loving husband. Our lives are currently on hold until further notice. It's nice. 

I am grateful for this experience. I have been asking for help in relying more on the Atonement in my life. He gave me an opportunity. I have been asking for healing in my marriage. He gave us an opportunity. I have been praying for Jack and his addiction, and God gave him an opportunity (read his current post here).

Life is full of opportunities. Those opportunities can be full of trial, fear, hope, love, peace, etc. You name it. Life and opportunity can be anything you let it be. God grants us opportunities to refine us, and I'm grateful for this opportunity. It helped me realize the strength of my faith, and it helped me gain an opportunity to be a strength for Jack too.

I'm just so full of gratitude right now!

I love it! I'd rather be grateful than hateful :D