Victories

Wow, I can't believe it's been a month since I last wrote. And what a month it has been!

I'm celebrating a small victory today. I've been really working on myself--learning how to accept my life as it is, find who I truly am, and honor myself in my choices. I'm not perfect at it yet (I still spend way too much time on facebook during down when I could be doing much more meaningful things), but I am becoming better at honoring myself.

I did this life-coaching program with Jacy, and it was seriously the best decision I could have made for myself right now. Through this program, I learned how to take charge of my life. This is especially crucial regarding my relationship with Ben because I tend to sit back and make sure he is able to do his thing and work his recovery while not getting much done for myself. I'm figuring out how to prioritize the things in my life, and I'm learning that really each day is different and sometimes things take a higher priority on certain days.

Anyway, because of this work I've been doing for myself, I was able to write this in my journal today:

My recovery isn't dependent on whether or not Ben maintains recovery. My healing is about me and my ability to live true to myself no matter what.  

Ben had a recent relapse. And it kind of didn't affect me. Not that I don't care that he relapsed, but I was able to see beyond the relapse. I was able to really see him and not focus on the porn, masturbation, or fantasies (although writing that out puts me into a bit of a spiral... but I'm letting it work through me instead of staying with me). I could empathize with his frustrations at himself and the things that led to his relapse. I could recognize and appreciate his honesty and desire to become better and shake off this relapse.

I have a lot of fear for our future. He is working on his recovery right now, and he is doing a lot of great things with his recovery, but because of circumstances in the past, I fear the future. However, I am not living by that fear. It's there, and I can embrace it and feel it, but I am learning how to let it flow through me and keep moving.

Little victories. I'm finding myself emerging from the darkness and actually being able to stay in the light. I'm doing my best to take care of myself, while also meeting the demands of life and motherhood. I love what I'm seeing taking place right now!

I have hope

I've been itching to write but not really sure what to write about. Plus, it's really hard to find the time to write these days.

I'm just going to write whatever comes to my mind and heart right now.

Having a child puts a whole new spin on being married to an addict. His decisions no longer just impact us. They impact our child (and future children) too. I knew that before I got pregnant, but I didn't understand it like I do now.

For a long time, I have held on to this hope that he will get better. I've stayed in this and worked with everything I have because of that hope. His recovery was doing really well last year when I got pregnant, and I had so much hope for our family life after the baby was born. But ever since a major relapse last September, things have not been the same. His recovery has been very up and down. I've seen addict mode like I've never seen before, and there was a brief period where he went into hiding things from me again.

There are days when I really question everything. I don't have answers, but as I study the scriptures and talks from General Conference, I just keep feeling peace. As hard as some days are, I know I'm supposed to be with Ben. I don't know if that will ever change, but I'm holding on to what I know to be true right now and doing my best to stay close to God (and that precious time I used to spend studying my scriptures and praying every day is much harder to come by now that I have a child who is very needy and clingy).

We are preparing for some new life changes that we hope will have a very positive impact on the addiction and his recovery. It's hard to make big decisions, but through prayer, we can find the answer that is right for us.

As for me and my own recovery? I feel like I'm in a pretty good place right now. I feel so busy and engaged with our son, that it's much easier for me to detach from the addiction and let Ben make the choices to do what he needs to do (or not do--and that's not on me). I'm trying to be present for myself, my son, and Ben while maintaining boundaries and being strong for myself and my son. I'm trying to have faith, hope, and peace.

One thing that has really struck me recently is the fact that I AM OKAY. He still acts out in his addiction, but I am okay. I can see the addiction for what it is. I can see Ben for who he is. I can see when the addiction is rearing it's head (most of the time...), and I can maintain boundaries and not lose sight of who I am.

Most of the time (I say most because I'm certainly not perfect in this area), I can see my value and beauty. I know who I am and I strive to live up to my potential and not let the addiction bring me down.

I don't know what lies ahead, but I do know we are in God's hands. He will guide us to safety, but we have to follow Him. For our family to stay together, we both have to follow Him. So I really hope that Ben continues on his path to recovery and that it becomes less rocky with time. I have hope.

"Advice to My Younger Self"

In December, I had the opportunity to participate in a video project put on by the LDS Church. I flew to Salt Lake City, and with other amazing, strong women, I was recorded reading a letter with "Advice to My Younger Self"--what I wish I knew when I first found out about the addiction, my perspective now.

Being there with these amazing women was incredible. I felt so blessed in numerous ways to have this opportunity. The Spirit was strong, and I knew I was a part of something special.

The videos are posted on the Church's addiction recovery website.

Here is the link to my letter in print.

Here is the link to my video.

Here is the compiled video (snippets from everyone's videos). It's simply beautiful.

I'd encourage you to check out all the videos. Each person has unique perspective because of their own situations. There are even videos for parents of addicts.

This project was to provide another resource for people just finding out about the addiction. It's helped strengthen me, and I've been on this road for four years. I KNOW it will be a strength to those new to this. Please share

The addict is out of town for three weeks...

Ben started a new job and is out of town for orientation and training for three weeks. He was issued a new computer through his company, and he has a lot of internet access on his phone right now [for work purposes].

Anyway, we've got triggers galore right here.

First of all, there is him being gone for three weeks. He doesn't have a great track record when it comes to sobriety and traveling.

Then there is all the internet access...

Meanwhile, I'm left to care for a one-month old without my husband. It's been difficult, but it's getting easier. [And I went to stay with my family so I have help.]

I didn't know how to set a boundary with this trip. Well, other than the usual let-me-know-within-24-hours boundary. But a couple days into his trip, I realized what I needed. It's very hard to communicate because of time zones, conflicting schedules, and a baby who seems to know when to cry to disturb phone calls. So, I asked him to email me a check-in every night. He knows what to write and what things I expect him to discuss in his check in. This has been really helpful because I can see his process throughout the day, and it allows transparency at a time that has been very difficult to have good communication anyway [and I'll assume that is normal when you are in the newborn survival-mode stage].

Things have been really good with us. I feel overall peaceful and happy.

I'm grateful for a husband who respects my boundaries and is trying to be in recovery. He has been making great progress. In fact, I've seen him making progress towards recovery in a situation where he would normally fall back into the addictive behaviors. That is HUGE. He wrote this blog post today, and as I read it, my heart was full. I love seeing his processing, and I love seeing him take steps towards recovery that are HIS steps, not things I have asked him to do. I love being surprised by discovering he is doing something new for his recovery. In that past, I've had to kick him into recovery. Now, his recovery is very much his own.

Even if he weren't respectful of my boundaries, I'm grateful for the things I have learned on this journey. I am strong enough to set boundaries and hold to them. That is huge too. By asking him to email me a check-in every night, it has eased a lot of my anxiety and triggers because I know he isn't hiding anything. That's what boundaries are for. To bring us peace and keep us safe.

Here's too hoping for the best on the rest of his trip!

Honoring my Heart

I recently reached out to a support group to share a journal entry I had written about my most recent counseling session.

I'm having a love-hate relationship with counseling right now. Mostly on the side of hate.

Too many things have happened that make me feel squeamish and uncomfortable. I feel my heart yelling, "THIS IS NOT SAFE!" because of things he has said and opinions he has shared that differ from my core beliefs.

As my wonderful sisters reached out to me to offer love and support, one of them pointed out that my description of my counselor and things he said (specifically yesterday) made her uncomfortable. She said she is learning to honor that in herself.

I need to honor that in myself as well. I am the type of person who always looks for the benefit of the doubt. So, even though I feel unsafe being vulnerable with my counselor, I keep telling myself things like, "He is a good guy," or "He was recommended to me by people who swear by him," or "He is a well sought-after LDS counselor in this area," or "Ben really likes him, though, and he is helping Ben a lot," and giving him the benefit of the doubt that somehow, eventually, I will feel safe and it will be a great counseling experience. I mean, in reality, he has done a lot of good for me. He has helped me see some things with more clarity. But that isn't outweighing the additional pains I am suffering because of things he has said to me.

My heart is screaming at me to get out and find someone else. Or just stop going to counseling altogether (because I can handle this on my own...which I know is probably not true and I know with a baby there will be all kinds of added stress that I will probably need help with anyway).

So, my goal for myself is to honor the feelings my heart is telling me. Not just with this situation, but in all things. God whispers. I need to focus on His whispers to my heart and allow myself to be open to what He is saying to me. Maybe this counselor was great for certain things. And maybe he is great for certain people. But not me. Not right now. So I think I need to listen to the red flags my heart is signaling.

Reflections

It's crazy to think about where I was a year ago versus now.

A year ago, I was not sure I had the hope or the love that could help make our marriage work. I was contemplating separation with the possibility of divorce. I was in so much pain that I was starting to lose hope in my ability to be healed.

I had no idea what 2014 would bring us.

Last year was so incredibly healing. I found strength and courage. I found hope and light. And while many things happened that took me back to dark places, I've relied more on my Savior and found resiliency through Him. I did hard things, brave things, that showed me I can do anything.

I'm not really big on new year resolutions or new beginnings. I believe we should be setting goals and beginning again every day. However, I am grateful to be able to reflect on the past year and see the growth and changes that have taken place.

I can't really say this year will be so much better or that anything will really be that different. But I can say I look forward to the changes that can take place for the better. That's not because it's a new year, but it's because we have been striving to make changes for a long time, and it our reflections and check-ins together happen frequently.

A lot of bad happened last year. But so did a lot of good. I am grateful for both the bad and the good because I can see me emerging. I am finding myself again. I am being shaped by my experiences, and I am trying to be better with each thing that comes my way.

I have no idea what 2015 will bring us. But I know both hard and great things will happen because that is life. I pray that I can take the opportunities one at a time and grow better with each one, no matter how hard or debilitating they seem. If I can do that, 2015 will be a success no matter what.

Dear 21 year-old Kilee

If you could write a letter to yourself back when you first learned of the addiction, what would you say?

I'd encourage everyone reading this to write their own letter. It's a very healing experience. Mine could have been longer, but I submitted it to something and it had to be less than 500 words. This isn't the first time I've written a letter to myself, though, and I know it won't be the last. Every time provides a little bit more healing.

Here's my letter:


Dear Kilee,

When you were married, you could never have imagined the betrayal and hurt Ben could cause you. You thought you were both on the same page and on the path to the celestial kingdom together. Now, in just a few seconds, your world has come crashing down.

You are so young, and you are embarking on the journey of a lifetime. Right now, you can't imagine it getting worse. It can. But it will also get better.

More will come: pain, darkness, heartache. At times, hope will seem completely lost. You will ponder the idea of divorce and even the possibility of taking your own life to escape the hell of the addiction.

There is more than darkness in your future. There is bounteous light and hope, and you will make it through the dark periods every single time. As you and Ben embrace recovery together, you will learn to love each other in ways you never thought possible. You will discover your greatest strengths and weaknesses. You will see the compassion and love you are both capable of. And you will start the rest of your family.

Through recovery, you will make friends you would have never known otherwise. You will learn lessons about friendship, vulnerability, and service. You will learn to love others and see them as Christ does.

You will learn about the Atonement, and you will be cradled in the arms of your Savior. You will learn how to follow promptings of the Holy Ghost. And you will be able to share a message of hope with others you come in contact with.

Ben will get into recovery. Eventually, he will acknowledge this is an addiction and he can't do it on his own. You will seek help together and become one in the fight against Satan and his efforts to destroy your family. You will be given knowledge and resources to help you understand the addiction. You will learn it's not your fault. You will learn you can't control the addiction. And eventually, you will turn it all over to God and trust in His plan.

You will go through hell on earth. But you will come out stronger and more beautiful. Four years from now, you will be welcoming a baby boy into your home, and you will be so grateful for the efforts you have put into your marriage and recovery. Things won't be perfect, but you will have hope and be grateful for the recovery path you are on together.

This addiction won't exempt you from other trials. So many hard things will come your way, but your experience with the Atonement will teach you that you are never alone. You will become a strength to your family and friends, and you will have a sense of gratitude for all the blessings God has given you.

Don't give up. You can do all through the power of God.

You are beautiful and strong. You can do hard things.

Love,

Me


When I wrote this, along with a little bio for my submission, something hit me. Hard. I mentioned in the letter that we will be welcoming in a baby boy four years from the time I first found out about the addiction. Well, that's awesome. But what's even more awesome is that we will be welcoming him into our family exactly one year (to the month) after things hit rock bottom in our marriage. Our son will come a year after we could have given up on our marriage but chose not to. So much healing has taken place this year, and I am so grateful we get to celebrate that with the entrance of our son into this family.

Three months to go!

Do all things really work together for my good?

Over the past couple of months, I've been really working on exercising my faith in God's plan and trusting that He has control. It takes a lot of faith in God and patience with myself--because my faith isn't perfect. I have moments of really giving up my control, but then I have moments where I get so scared and freaked out that I start trying to reign in control (and of course, that doesn't work and causes me to make choices and act based on fear).

As I've been working Healing Through Christ, step 3, I've had to really focus on what I'm doing to turn my will and life over to God. It's hard. Like, really hard.

Today, I was faced with the question: How can I come to believe that Heavenly Father is working all things together for my good--even when they aren't happening as I'd hoped?

The question seems simple, but it's actually very tricky. Because part of me wants to believe that all things are working together for my good--that God is in control. But then part of me has a hard time believing it because life is just so damn hard sometimes.

As I focus on exercising my faith in His plan, the two things that have really helped me see that He is in control are 1) expressing gratitude and looking for the good in my life, despite the hard, and 2) looking for opportunities to learn from my trials.

Sometimes in the recovery world, we get so caught up in expressing our emotions and being validated and heard, that it can be hard to snap out of the negative. Sometimes we feel there is literally nothing to be grateful for. I'm saying we, but I really mean me (I just assume I'm not alone in these feelings...). There is a time and a place for those feelings. There really is. But I've found that it's important to feel my pain and validate it, but then to see the beauty that is coming from the pain and trials I am facing. Or to see the beauty in my life despite the trials I am facing.

When I see beautiful things in my life, I give a quick thanks for it. I'm not very good at writing in my gratitude journal every day, but I am getting much better at really digging inside myself and expressing gratitude for what I have in my prayers. I am getting much better at expressing gratitude from my heart and looking for opportunities to learn from my trials and see the beauty unfolding even when it's really hard.

Gratitude and learning are key elements, at least for me, to see that Heavenly Father truly is working all things together for my good. He may not like the things happening in my life, especially trials that come as a result of my or another person's agency. But He will help me make each experience something that works for my good.

We hear "all things happen for a reason." That may be true. But it also might not be. This might not have been part of God's plan for me. Women who have suffered serious abuse and trauma might not have been necessarily given that by God. It may have just happened at the hands of the abuser because of that person's choices. But God is always there and He will provide us with the means to endure. And THAT is what will make all things work together for our good.

I'm trying to keep focus on what I'm grateful for and the beauty in my life so the hard doesn't drown me.

How do you come to believe that Heavenly Father is working all things together for your good--even when things are hard as hell?

Reflections on a Mother-in-law Moment

I just got back from a Disneyland trip with Ben's family [so fun!]. While waiting with my mother-in-law during one of the rides, we had a tender conversation about trials in marriage.

Something she said to me really stood out, and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. She talked about how Ben always had a strong testimony and carried the Spirit with him. She expressed her love for him and me, and she said very firmly that she knows he has been ensnared by Satan, but she also knows he can be healed as long as he does everything in his power to stay close to the Spirit of God. She said we are both strong, and that she knows we can get through this if we are dedicated to each other and to Christ, no matter how long and hard this healing and recovery process may be.

As I am pregnant with a son, I could feel deep empathy for her pain in seeing her son going through this trial with his wife. For a moment, I could see Ben through her eyes and feel her pain and heartache.

I also know we can get through this, but that much of that depends on Ben's personal dedication to God and his recovery. I sometimes wonder, as many of us do, at what point can I call it quits? At what point is enough enough and God is ready for me to move on? Those thoughts take my mind spiraling out of control, and I have many questions and opinions that I usually keep to myself because it is a very delicate matter and a personal decision for every individual situation.

I know I haven't reached the point where I should call it quits, and I pray I never do. Times get really hard as I face this in my marriage. There are black holes in the four years we have been married that I try to push out of my memory because they are so incredibly painful to deal with. But there are also so many incredibly beautiful moments in our marriage and life together that I wouldn't trade for anything, and many of those beautiful moments have come after the darkest darks.

Ben's mom can see his potential. I can also see his potential. Looking through both my and her perspectives has given me a greater strength and understanding to see what the future has in store for us if we can keep getting through this. I know it won't be easy. It's never easy. But I do know it will be worth it.

Addiction is a sickness. I know there are choices he makes that are not great choices and lead him into the addiction. But I also know (because I feel like I really do know Ben) that he has been ensnared by Satan, and he is going through something that won't just go away. It has to be healed and will be a long process. It will require effort on both our parts (his healing requires effort on his part, obviously, but the process will also require patience and Christlike love on my part).

But no matter what, we are in a marriage. He is in recovery, and as long as he is in recovery, I feel safe enough to work on cleaving unto him. When he acts out, it does cause setbacks and there are issues that arise and need to be worked through. But overall, we are making so much progress, and I am so grateful and happy with where we are right now.

Sometimes I get impatient. But I try to remind myself that life is a journey, and all I can do is make the best of each moment I am given.

What does it mean to be healed?

I didn't realize I was super struggling today until I started writing in my journal. Then, all the thoughts and pains slipped out in the form of tears.

I had no motivation to do anything this morning, but then this little feeling kicked me out of bed and led me to grab my Healing Through Christ journal and read through everything I've written for step 2.

Step 2 is "Come to believe that the power of God can restore us to spiritual and emotional health."

At first, that was really comforting. But then, I was like, WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?

What does it mean that I can be restored completely, to be healed?

I'll tell you what it doesn't mean.

It doesn't mean I will be never feel this pain.

It doesn't mean I will forget what I have gone through.

And it certainly doesn't mean I will not feel pain every time Ben acts out in his addiction. It doesn't mean that.

I think it means that God will strengthen me and give me resiliency so this doesn't keep me down. When I am healed, I will have a firm faith in Him. I will be able to use this pain for good. I will be stronger. I will have scars, but that's all they will be: scars. They won't keep me down. When I am healed, I will be at my fullest potential, and I will be able to do anything because of Him.

Healing takes time. It's a process, a journey. There will be stumbles on the way, so I have to be patient on the journey.

I have to believe that eventually, I will be restored to spiritual and emotional health. I will be healthy. I will be resilient and beautiful, and I won't live in a state of depression and fear. I'm on my way there, I know it. I don't know when I'll get there, but I will. I can be healed.

"Someone has already paid."

Sometimes I'm doing just fine. Other times, not so much.

Yesterday morning, I felt anger. So many things ran through my head, and I was just SO ANGRY. I hurt for lost innocence in my marriage and everything I have suffered because of the addiction. When that happens, my thoughts sometimes wander to, "I want him to pay. He needs to really understand what he has put me through. It's not fair that I am feeling this pain." It's not a very Christlike attitude...But it's reality. I think when we get hurt or offended, we all go there sometimes.

In the most recent General Conference, President Packer gave a talk on the Atonement. I'm reading it today, and this paragraph stood out:

I recently received a letter from a woman who reported having endured great suffering in her life. A terrible wrong, which she did not identify but alluded to, had been committed against her. She admitted that she struggled with feelings of great bitterness. In her anger, she mentally cried out, “Someone must pay for this terrible wrong.” In this extreme moment of sorrow and questioning, she wrote that there came into her heart an immediate reply: “Someone already has paid.”

I reflected on the moment I had yesterday, along with many other moments of anger and justice-seeking. I don't need to seek justice because justice has already been met. And just like I can't carry the burden of my pain alone, Ben wouldn't be able to carry the burden of what he has done alone. Christ has paid for what Ben has done. Because He has met the demands of justice, Ben and I have both been extended the mercy that allows us to be able to heal. The Atonement covers all pain--the pain of the sinner, and the pain of the hurt.

This doesn't mean I have to heal quickly, but it means I can heal. Healing takes time and that is okay. I'll just try to be patient and remember that I CAN be healed. (And so can Ben.)

The Power of Choice

I have a document where I post my favorite recovery quotes and scriptures as I come across ones that hit me on a particular day. Today, I started reading through it and was struck by one word in a particular scripture:

"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." (John 14:27)

Let implies that I have some kind of power--that I have the power to let my heart be troubled or to let my heart be afraid. On the other side of that, I have the power to let my heart be filled with the peace that Christ offers, which would replace the troubles and fears.

Let is a powerful word.

As I pondered this idea, I thought of a lot of things. So many times, I've let negative emotions hang with me. I've gotten to the point in my recovery where I do recognize my own conscious choices to stay angry or negative because of certain things. Granted, there was a time when I felt controlled by my emotions. And sometimes I still feel controlled by my emotions. But there is a huge power in my relationship with Christ and my recovery. Because of my journey to healing, I really can identify my emotions and choose how to deal with them. That's something I've learned how to do.

Sometimes I choose to be angry and bitter. And I will admit sometimes that choice is to make Ben suffer because of how I have suffered. But sometimes that choice is simply because I can't find the light at that time (or possibly refuse to see the light?).

Sometimes I choose to process my emotions in healthy ways rather than letting myself be bitter and angry. When I process and take the time for self-care, I am much happier. And I'm finally getting to the point where I would like to choose to be happy rather than wallow in self-pity and anger (that place is wobbly for me--it comes and goes).

This week I've been swallowed in many fears. I know deep down, however, that no matter what, Christ has my back and I will not be miserable for eternity. I also know I will be happy no matter what--no matter the outcome of this addiction in my marriage.

Christ has given me peace and light so many times. Sometimes I choose to ignore that (and like I said, sometimes I do just feel controlled by emotion because of the situation), but I also know I can choose to  "let not [my] heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."

Crying

Sometimes I have to remind myself that crying doesn't make me any less.

Crying doesn't mean I have "lost."

Crying doesn't mean I am weak.

If I cry after doing something hard, that doesn't mean it was any less of an accomplishment. I can do hard things, and the hard thing was still done even if it made me cry.

I may have cried today. But that's because today was one hell of a day. And I am one amazing person who can do hard things.

Relapses, Processing, and Recovery Music

Sometimes the sucky things happen first thing in the morning. Sometimes you just can't deal and other times, you can see clearly and choose to take the necessary steps to help the day move along a little happier. I'm grateful I am currently in a place that is relatively in between. I know the moments I just can't deal, and in those moments, I take a little break from life to either numb (not the best option, but it happens), or process.

This morning I processed.

That processing happened as I reached out to friends who helped me see clearly. I wrote my thoughts and feelings. And I prepared things to burn at Camp Scabs this coming weekend.

As I got ready for church, I listened to my favorite recovery songs. Music is my soul food. My recovery music ALWAYS helps.

And I think until I leave for Camp Scabs, I am going to post recovery music that lifts me. Hopefully it will lift you too.


First, watch this video by Katherine Nelson. Her album "Born Brave" is one of my favorite albums ever. This album is dedicated to women and the hard things we face. In this video, she talks about the album, why it was created, and reads her statement that goes with the album.

The whole album is great, but my favorite songs are: Born, We Are, Soldier Girls, Good for Me, What's Mine Is Yours, and Brave [the bolded ones are my double favorites!].

If you click here, you can read a back story behind each song, listen to a clip, and read the lyrics. If you're in the mood for some good stories and pick-me-up music, I would encourage you to do this :) I would share some of my favorite lines from the songs, but I think that would make this post really long. And besides, everyone has different parts of songs that stick out and are meaningful to them. You can find your own parts in her songs.

Seriously. DO IT!

Most of them are not on YouTube, but these two are. So, enjoy these full songs!

Soldier Girls

What's Mine Is Yours

I am beautiful. YOU are beautiful.

I remember the first time Ben and I ever hung out, just the two of us. We watched Dan in Real Life. We sat on opposite ends of the couch. I thought he was cute and funny, but he was short.

I remember when we were in an "off" period (broken up or something), I went running with Ben's roommate. We talked about my potential future. I told him Ben was perfect except that he was short, and I didn't know if I could handle that.

"I know you won't base eternity off of something as shallow as that." That was his response.

He was right. I couldn't base the idea of a future with Ben off his height. He was everything I dreamed in a future husband. He treated me with respect, adoration, and love. He had a strong testimony. He was goofy. He wasn't afraid of watching chick flicks. He thought I was funny. He liked keeping his body healthy and strong. And then some. I felt safe and secure with him for the most part.

After the addiction came out, I really struggled with body image. I know I'm not alone in that. Many of us do. But because I felt like my spiritual warrior had broken down, I didn't even has his physical stature as a symbol of protection and safety. It may sound silly, but I always felt like if he were at least taller than me, I would feel better around him. I could still feel like he was my protector and warrior in some way IF HE WERE JUST TALLER THAN ME!

I lost a lot of weight very quickly. I counted calories like nobody's business. If I didn't get to exercise during the day, my caloric intake was dramatically decreased. I was not about to get fat. In my efforts to not get fat, I was very weak and irritable. My body changed for the worse. My emotions were out of control, my bones felt weak and brittle, and it was all I could to do stand some days.

But I had this complex about gaining weight. If I gained weight, I wouldn't be pretty enough for him. I couldn't compete at all with the porn or his fantasies. If I gained weight, I would be this big blob next to him.

I felt like I was the spiritual warrior. I couldn't beat him in physical stature too. I had to stay smaller than him. Way smaller.

If someone had said, "Kilee, I think you look unhealthily skinny. Are you doing okay?" I probably would have gotten mad. Ben's brain wasn't the only one that was broken. Mine was breaking too.

Looking back, however, I think I longed for someone to notice the physical effect the pain was having on me. If someone had noticed my weight loss and asked me about it--and told me they didn't buy my story that I was fine--I might have opened up to them. I might have called for help. Or at least, I might have taken care of myself better.

People told me how great I looked. "Kilee you're so skinny! Oh my gosh, you look fantastic!" That only secured even more in my head the fact that my worth was based on how I looked. People seemed to like me more because I was skinny and pretty (or at least that is how it seemed in my head).

I just moved back to the area where I grew up. I currently weigh about 18 pounds less than I did in high school. When I run into people I knew in that life, one of the first things out of their mouth is "You look so good." Of course, they then clear up the confusion that they might be implying that I didn't always look good with the cover, "I mean, not that you don't always look good. But wow! You look so good."

I can't even count the number of people who have commented on my body in the past week.

I don't want to sound like a scrooge and say I hate it. But, okay, I hate it. I don't want people to comment on my body. If people like something about me, I want it to be because I have a rockin personality (though, I do appreciate comments about my hair. Because my hair is pretty awesome ;)).

Really, I just wish our society didn't objectify our bodies so much. I feel like I'm constantly surrounded by people who are self-conscious about their bodies. Because of my experience, I'm learning to love myself as I am. I wish everyone could do that! I have beautiful friends, and I see beautiful people every day who are so self conscious about their bodies.

It shouldn't matter. It really shouldn't . And I know I need to take my own advice.

It shouldn't matter how thick or thin you are. It shouldn't matter how big your stomach is or if you have stretch marks from a pregnancy. It shouldn't matter if your hair looks "gross" or if you are wearing makeup or not.

What should matter is how healthy you feel. And whether or not you are being true to yourself.

Are you taking care of yourself physically, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually?

That is what matters.

Sometimes I still struggle with the fact that I'm taller than Ben. Sometimes I struggle with how I look. But I know those don't define my worth, and I'm working on accepting and loving myself as I am. I am imperfect, and I am beautiful.

My worth is defined by God.

I am beautiful because I am His daughter.

I am beautiful because I carry His spirit.

I am beautiful because I am able to love.

I don't have to be skinny to be beautiful. I don't have to be shorter to fit in. I don't have to be anything except who I am and the person I am trying to be.

I hope you can see that for yourself. You are beautiful. You are.

Which Wolf are You Feeding?

This morning in my 12-step work (Healing Through Christ), I read this parable:

“An elder Apache was teaching his grandchildren about life. He said to them, ‘A fight is going on inside me; it is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, self-pity, guilt, resentment, lies, and pride. The other stands for joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. This same fight is going on inside you and inside every other person too.’ The grandchildren thought about the story for a minute and then one child asked his grandfather, ‘Which wolf will win?’ The old Grandfather simply replied, ‘The one you feed.’"

The follow-up question was, "Which wolf do you feed most often?"

It got me thinking (which was the point, yes I know). I've really been doing a lot of self-evaluation lately. In my efforts to allow myself to feel, rather than push away my pain, I think I allowed myself to feed the first wolf. I got to the point where fear, anger, self-pity, and resentment ruled me. I wasn't just feeding them--I felt like I was them. (So maybe I was feeding ME to the wolf?)

It's important to feel the emotions that come with this situation. When you push them away, they build up pressure and explode. And it's not pretty--not pretty at all. It's a most painful explosion, and any hope remaining could quickly diminish with the aftermath of that kind of explosion. Pushing away emotions is rarely the best response.

There lies a fine line between feeling the emotions but not letting them rule you. I don't know, maybe letting them rule you is just part of the process, but I'd like to think that you could appropriately deal with the emotions without becoming a casualty and being ruled by them. That's what I'm trying to figure out right now. I don't know where the line is between feeling the emotions and not letting them rule you, but I am certainly trying to discover it.

I want to feed the second wolf, the good wolf. I have been working on feeding that wolf more often. It comes through self-care. The more I care about myself and meet my needs (physical, spiritual, emotional, intellectual), the easier it is to feel joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, etc.--even if it's in tiny doses at a time.

I have felt the good wolf pulling out of the muck lately. I have felt a great increase in those positive emotions. It's not been an easy process, and I'm still hard at work. Sometimes I need to allow myself time to sit in the negative emotions, but I also need to pull myself back up and lean on Christ to feel the positive ones.

I had a moment on Friday where I felt truly, deeply happy. A feeling I haven't felt in a LONG time. Over the last little while, I've felt the tides turning, and I feel more hope than despair. That is a good thing. For the past however long, I've felt more despair than hope. I am excited for the changes coming my way, and I hope and pray that I can continue to turn my life over to God. I do know that it is through Him that I have gained the strength, hope, and peace I am currently feeling in my life. 

Which wolf are you feeding?

My husband is an addict. Who can I talk to?

"This is your husband's thing. You telling anyone else is betrayal to him." 

I've heard that too many times to count. It's stuck in my head and caused me much grief over the years.

We know betrayal, right? And we certainly don't want to become the betrayer. Maybe that's why this "myth" is so hard to deal with. We don't want to feel like we have betrayed our spouse. Plus, we are women. We are good at sucking it up and suffering silently (or at least I am) to not "put out" the other person.

But here's the deal. Ready?

This isn't just about your husband. This is about you now too. Not in the sense that this is your fault, but that it's happening to you. By marrying (or dating) you, the addict has chosen to give up some of his rights of ownership to this story. You now own this story in the way that it is happening to you. Because it is happening to you. You have been betrayed on a deep, intimate level. The feelings and trauma you are experiencing/have experienced as a result of his actions are normal and need to be addressed and properly dealt with.

Some people will say the only people that need to know about this are your bishop, therapist (if you choose to have a therapist or counselor), and God. While that may work for some people, limiting yourself to ONLY THOSE PEOPLE could have negative consequences for you.

We need people. Sometimes the bishop, therapist, and God is enough people. If it is, awesome. If it's not, there is no need for guilt or shame in confiding elsewhere. That's not to say you need to tell everyone, but you can prayerfully find safe people to confide in. Regardless, you need to do what you feel is best for YOU.

When I realized that, the whole game changed for me. Having people--friends--to talk to was life-changing. It started out with friends I made in my support groups and slowly extended to a few close friends, my Relief Society president, my family, his family, my visiting teachers, and then whoever I felt inspired to confide in. And then all of "the world" (with him, as you know).

My way isn't the way. It was the way for me. Everyone's way is different. Do what you feel is best for you. If that means confiding in no one outside of your bishop, therapist, and God, sweet deal (although, in my honest, biased opinion, I think everyone could use a close friend knowing--even if it's someone who becomes a close friend through blogs you read or support groups you attend). If it means confiding in a few people, do that. If you feel like you have to tell everyone (I do know a few people who told EVERYONE as soon as they found out, which had some negative repercussions for them, but also many positive things to have it all out in the open) do that! It's up to you. This is now your story. It's a different perspective from the addict's, but it's happening to you, and you have a right to your healing how you see fit.

The addict might think you are being mean or insensitive to tell people. That's because the addict is experiencing major shame, and it's hard and scary to have this out in the open. It is probably good to have his input and know where he stands on you talking to people about it. But if he is completely against it, that doesn't mean listen to him and suffer silently. His brain is broken; therefore, in my honest and biased opinion, he really doesn't have the capacity to make those kinds of decisions for you. If you can reach some kind of compromise or get on the same page as each other, it will ease some tension. But if not, prayerfully decide what needs to be done for your healing and press forward with that.

This isn't being un-Christlike. In fact, you can address this part of your healing in a very Christlike manner. Christ threw out the money-changers in the temple. You can throw out the money-changers in your marriage. The bottom line is you need to do what is best for your healing. If you don't, you may grow to harbor even more resentment than already exists as a natural result of his addiction.

Maybe he will harbor resentment against you for talking to people. If he does, that is not your problem. His actions are completely out of your control. Always. If he can't support your recovery and healing in this way, then he is probably still needing more recovery himself. That is okay. Take steps forward for your healing and recovery, set boundaries, and follow through with the boundaries. He will either get into recovery or not, but you waiting around, hoping for him to enter recovery (and who knows when that will happen?) might end up causing you more emotional harm than good.

If you feel you need to talk to people, talk to people. Do it. For you.

Hello World

I have something to tell you. Some of you know this, but many of you don't. I'm going to say something that might shock you and will very likely cause some discomfort. I'm not one to beat around the bush. I've learned from experience that I prefer straightforward honesty. So, that being said, I'd encourage you to read this through rather than just shut down because of the discomfort you will feel in about two seconds.

Ready?

I'm married to a sex-addict.

I know, right? Ben? Yeah right. Haha, me too. I almost couldn't believe it when he told me three years ago.

Yeah.

I'm not going to go into the details of our story. You can find that by reading my blog, if you so choose. I want to focus on WHY I'm telling you this. Because that is the important thing.

I know it may be shocking that I'm announcing this to "the world." Have faith in me that I've put a lot of thought and prayer into this decision.

I do also ask that you be respectful of the fact that I just invited you into my space, a space where only select individuals have been invited before. This is my place of healing. Most of the people who have been reading my blog previous to this moment are addicts or spouses of addicts. If you do choose to go read my story or previous blog posts, keep in mind that I'm on a journey of healing. There are ups and downs. Feel free to leave comments or ask me questions, but know I reserve the right to delete any comment I feel is inappropriate or discourteous of me and my journey.

Here we go.

*******************************************

Pornography in Society

Back when I thought Ben was perfect, I never would have suspected this. And I never would have understood or knew how to handle it if one of my friends came to me and said, "Hey, my husband is addicted to looking at porn and masturbation," or any of the other things I've heard my friends say about their sex-addict husbands (affairs, strip clubs, brothels, etc.). My eyes have been opened up to what is going on in the world in a major way since sex-addiction became a part of my life.

Let's talk about statistics. Here is a good resource. Here is another resource.

• At the time I am writing this post, porn has been searched over 867 million times since the beginning of 2014. (I started writing this last Thursday. That number has now become over 891 million as of Monday.)
• On mobile devices, one in five searches are for pornography.
• One quarter of smartphone users admit to having porn on their phone.
• 51% of pastors say pornography is a temptation.
• 50% of Christian men, and 20% of Christian women admit to being addicted to pornography.
• 51% of boys and 32% of girls view porn before age 12.

Do those statistics make you squirm a bit?

Pornography is plaguing society.

People don't want to talk about it. Pornography is gross. People who look at porn are gross. Well, guess what? If statistics are accurate, if your husband isn't addicted to porn, then your best friend's husband is (statistically speaking. I'm definitely not accusing anyone here--just making a point). Yeah. Is your husband gross? Is your best friend's husband gross? Is my husband gross?

The answer to those questions could be maybe, or even yes. But my point is, just because someone is addicted to pornography doesn't mean they should automatically be shunned. Nor does it mean the spouse is a fool for staying and should be shunned. It means this is big.

Sex-Addicts and Their Spouses Need Help

Sex-addicts need help. Some of them don't consider it an addiction--just a problem they are handling on their own. Some are in denial that it's even a problem. But research shows that pornography isn't just harmful because of Christian or moral values. Pornography is harmful for many reasons. For more info, click here.

Spouses of sex-addicts need help. We experience what is called Betrayal Trauma, which has symptoms similar to or the same as Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. This trauma is real. And it doesn't go away quickly.

Help is hard to find for the spouses. It is, however, becoming easier to find than it was a few years ago--thanks to people who are speaking up and taking action. Click here and here for a couple lists of resources. 

Unfortunately, much of society doesn't like to talk about things that are uncomfortable. I've been told by multiple people that this is something we just don't talk about. And, sure, not everyone needs to announce this on their Facebook feed or to the whole "world." Here is why I am:

I want you to know about this part of my life because I lived in silence for so long.

Silence is a Killer

Addiction thrives in silence and secrecy. I'm learning that depression does too. I have to be fake around so many people because talking about my depression is uncomfortable (Maybe for me, maybe for them. Either way, being vulnerable is scary. People can react and have reacted in so many different ways). People don't know what to say. That's okay. I don't know what to say to myself half the time either. What's not okay is the fact that I, we--the other beautiful women I know who are in this situation as well--are told not to talk about it.

We are told not to talk about it by many people:

• Our addict husbands, who are embarrassed, full of shame, and pretending to be perfect to everyone around them.
• Church leaders, parents, and friends.
• Sometimes counselors.
• Ourselves--through negative self-talk.

We need to talk about it. And we need empathy and love.

Guess what? You probably know someone dealing with this (other than us). You just don't know they are dealing with it.

Guess what else? Everyone you know has a story. Whether it's this kind of story or not doesn't matter. We all have stories. We all suffer pain in some kind of way, but we don't talk about it because we live in a society that stifles vulnerability.

We need vulnerability. We need realness. We need compassion.

When that lady at the grocery store doesn't seem to be handling her two-year old very well, don't judge her. Show compassion. Maybe her husband just confessed his most recent relapse and she can barely even breathe.

If your friend stops shaving her legs. Or showering. Or she wears the same outfit every day for days on end. Show some compassion. Her mind might be reeling because her husband just disclosed something awful.

If you notice your friend feeding her kids cereal and ice cream for dinner on a regular basis. Her husband might be a sex-addict.

If your friend is wearing shoes that don't match. Or two bras. Or no bra. Her husband might be a sex-addict.

If your friend's house in a state of constant disarray. Or her kids put themselves to bed often. Or her kids eat crackers for dinner often. And she can't remember the last time the kids bathed. Her husband might be a sex-addict.

If your friend is starting to seclude herself from social activities and stops answering her phone or receiving house-calls. Her husband might be a sex-addict.

If your friend's kids miss way too much school. Or if they watch way too many movies during the day. Her husband might be a sex-addict.

Now, granted, none of those things mean that person is married to a sex-addict. Remember, I said might. But they could certainly be a red flag for some kind of life crisis. Each of those things have happened to me or someone I know who is married to a sex-addict. We, the wives of sex-addicts, know crisis. We know survival. We eat, breathe, sleep survival. Each item on the list above is a sign of survival-mode. We all need compassion to get through survival mode.

When I was stuck in my silence, I felt dead. Then, I found ways to reach out. Slowly, over the past three years, I have found more support. That support has come because I was brave enough to be vulnerable with people. That courage has helped both me and Ben progress in our healing. It has also allowed us to be a support to other people.

Ending the Silence

And now I want to say to you: If you or your spouse struggles with sex-addiction (masturbation/pornography/other sexual behaviors), you can get help. And you don't have to be alone. There is a tremendous community of support just waiting for you. There are hundreds of people to love and help take care of you. There are tons of resources that can help you. Books, counselors, therapy programs (even free ones), 12-step groups, websites with oodles of information. You don't have to be alone and shrouded in darkness anymore!

No one can overcome this on their own. We need each other.

If you need to find support, feel free to contact me. I have people. My people have people. We will take care of you.

Whoever you are, you are loved. You are loved by God. You are loved by me. You are loved by my friends and support people.

Maybe you've been going through hell. Me too. Hang in there. We want to help you.

Even if you think this does not apply to you, please share this post. You have no idea who might be struggling with this.

Ben and I are going to start talking about this more openly. Like I said, silence is a killer. We both need to be able to talk about it. There is a twofold goal with this. One is to find those in need of help and give them a place to go and reach out. Three years ago, had we had all the resources we have now, we would probably be in a much different place (though I wouldn't trade this journey/healing/learning process for anything). The other is to help ourselves so we can continue on our journey to healing. It's not over for us. Our recovery and healing will be a life-long journey. We are just opening up now so we can serve and heal more fully. Because this is an issue that needs to be talked about in society. Ideally, everyone should feel safe enough to open up.

And last, whatever your story is, I want to share this with you:

"Owning our story and loving ourselves through the process is the bravest thing we will ever do."

"Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage.Truth and courage aren't always comfortable, but they're never weakness."

 --Brené Brown.


Thanks for reading. You're welcome to continue following My Walk.

Together We Rise Above

I attended the Togetherness Project in Phoenix this weekend. I feel like I have a hangover of TTP fun right now:
Late-night talking and good, clean fun. Chocolate. Lots and lots of chocolate. Relationship-building--with friends both old and new. Crying. Laughing. Sleeping Not sleeping enough.

If heaven is like this, sign me up. 

I learned so much from the conference, but the biggest take-away I had was just the CONNECTION and love I felt from everyone. We need connection. We live in a world, and especially if you are LDS, we live in a culture that says, "Don't talk about this." The world tells us it's not a big deal anyway (which makes you kind of afraid to talk about the pain of this because you don't want to be judged), and the LDS culture says it needs to be hush-hush. I went a whole year before I reached out to anyone because a bishop had told me I wasn't allowed to. It was supposed to stay in the marriage. Then I attended LDS 12-step. Those were the only people I confided in. Then I wanted to tell a friend, so I asked Ben's permission (now I don't ask permission. I tell whoever I feel the need and deem "safe"). Over time, I started reaching out here and there, and reaching out has brought me the highest amount of healing aside from the Atonement.

I attended the Togetherness Project in SLC in October, and it was awesome. The classes, connection, everything.
This one was awesome too. But the connection I found as I attended both projects is what's been most important to me.

My Warrior Sisters are my best friends. They know me in and out, backwards and forwards. They know the deepest, darkest secrets and pains. They know my greatest joys. They know everything there is to know about me except for the few things I DO keep only within my marriage. There is a high level of vulnerability and acceptance in this part of my life, and I love it. I need it. We all need it.

I've had ideas forming of ways I want to reach out in my general area. There are still steps I need to take in order to start working on them, and TTP has given me a little push of strength to press forward. I know there are so many people who need this--the connection, validation, love, and healing through vulnerability and friendship. They need to know they aren't alone. No one should be suffering alone.

I'm so grateful for Jacy for getting this rolling. She has the biggest heart of anyone I know, and I love her. 

I'm grateful for everyone who has contributed to my healing and reached out to me in love and support. 

I'm grateful for my Warrior Sister-friends.

Together we rise above. 

Maintaining My Recovery

The group I attend in Texas is on Sunday nights. I don't really love that because I always selfishly want Sundays to be about spending more time with Ben...but I determined that I would attend group here regularly. Because I need to. I really need to, and I recognize that. (insert exasperated sigh) It's just so easy to come up with excuses not to go, and the fact that it's on Sunday is one of those easy excuses. "I need time with Ben. I'm healing my marriage," is one of the tricks Satan uses to talk me out of going. That, and yesterday, there was the fact that it was Easter.

I went back and forth all day about going to group or not. Because it was Easter. "There might not be many people there. Or maybe it's supposed to be cancelled, but they forgot to tell us last week. So I'll drive 25 minutes and the church will be locked." Excuses, excuses. Then, Ben was having a hard time, and I co-dependently wanted him to tell me he needed me to stay home so I could use that as an excuse. Except when I realized I was not being true to myself, I took a moment to really think about why I didn't want to go to group. The plain and simple truth was that I was afraid of going because it's still a new group. And I was being lazy because it's a 25 minute drive. So I said a little prayer in my heart asking for guidance, and I felt like I needed to be there.

I needed to be there, and I'm so glad I went. There was no better way that I could have honored Christ on the Sabbath, and especially on Easter.

One reason I needed to be there was because we had a new attendee. It was her first group experience EVER, as she had discovered the porn just a week ago. I was able to have a really good conversation with her and bear testimony of the hand of God in my life--my recovery, my husband's recovery, and OUR recovery. I was able to bear testimony of so much, and it was a really powerful experience for me (and I hope it was for her as well).

Another reason I needed to be there was because we studied step 10--my favorite. Well, they are all my favorites, but step 10 was my favorite last night.

I love step 10 because it is a gentle reminder and application of ALL THE STEPS. It's a reminder that we need to hold ourselves accountable on a daily basis.

I kind of stopped working the steps because I was really depressed. And, I'll be honest, I really struggled with my group in Arkansas because it was so small and I felt like I wasn't getting much out of it. I was just in a bad place and had a hard time finding my way out.

The "bad place" comes and goes. I really fought it last week. Bad. It was a chore to get up and get dressed every day. I counted the fact that I woke up as an accomplishment. And if I did the dishes or made dinner it was an accomplishment. Sometimes we have weeks like that, and we really need them. I know I am mourning and grieving still, and it was necessary for me to have that time last week to process. I don't regret needing that time to process or feel depressed. But I did behave in ways, on occasion, that were mean. I use depression and PMS as an excuse to be mean, and it's not okay. SO...

How much different could my week have been had I been applying the 12 steps?

I know the 12 steps don't always strike everyone's hearts like they do mine, but I have a firm testimony in them. It is my personal belief that no matter what you say, we all need and use the 12 steps (it's a powerful tool to recovery when combined with the other tools out there. I certainly don't think there is any one way for anybody to recover). Even if it's subconscious. I mean, the only true way to "come unto Christ and be perfected in Him" is through the process of understanding that we are not in control of our lives, hoping in God's power to restore us to complete spiritual health, deciding to turn our life over to Him, experiencing a change of heart, being humble, seeking forgiveness and repentance, practicing the principles of the gospel on a daily basis, seeking and carrying out the Lord's will in our lives, and giving service. No matter what your circumstance may be.

I am very familiar with the pattern of the 12 steps. I am familiar with the message and power they give me. I am familiar with the process of carrying them out, and yet I still forget about them. More especially, I still forget about daily accountability.

I was reminded recently (in a church talk or lesson? The book I just finished reading? I don't know) that Jesus Christ is supposed to be my best friend. I need to be turning to Him before I turn anywhere else. When I am struggling with the depression, pain, anxiety, and grieving that has been caused by this addiction, I need to turn to Him first. I have many ways of processing, but when I humble myself and ask for His help, I always pull out of the depression faster. Always. And that should really be the first step I take to get out of the "rut." Sometimes it takes me days before I turn to Him because I still harbor that pride saying, "I can do this on my own." Sometimes it takes me hours. Sometimes I know I need to be humble, so I will attempt humility, but it's not truly in my heart (which doesn't work that well, but does work better than no attempt at all). Regardless, I know without a doubt that God has always heard and answered my prayers when I turn to Him humbly with full purpose of heart.

That brings me back to my question: How much different could my week have been had I been applying the 12 steps? Specifically Step 10: Daily Accountability?

As we studied and discussed this chapter last night, it was like a nice slap in the face. It was a gentle reminder of truths I desperately needed to hear. It was full of guidance I need for future weeks:

"The first nine steps helped you learn a pattern of life based on spiritual principles. These principles now become the foundation on which you build for the rest of your life...The final three steps will help you maintain your new spiritually minded way of life, so they are often called the maintenance steps."

"Self-evaluation..."

"...maintaining a mighty change of heart takes effort."

"To retain what you have gained, you must stay in fit spiritual condition."

"Continue to watch for pride in all its forms, and humbly take your weaknesses to your Heavenly Father."

"If you feel worried, self-pitying, trouble, anxious, resentful, carnal minded, or fearful in any way, turn immediately to the Father and allow Him to replace these thoughts with peace."

I need to ask Heavenly Father to remove my negative thoughts and feelings.

I need to examine my motives. And sometimes they are not pure. Sometimes I am manipulative. Because I'm hurting.

Am I taking care of my basic spiritual, emotional, and physical needs? (Self care! Boom!)

Do I serve others?

I need to be alert for old thinking patterns and behaviors during highly stressful situations.

"The Lord has all power. I'll relax and trust Him."

"Cast aside pride and remind yourself that sincerely saying 'I was wrong' is often just as important in healing a relationship as saying 'I love you.'" This especially applies to me--because, believe it or not, I do enough wrong in our relationship. And I harbor lots of pride because Ben is the one who should be apologizing to me regularly, right? Nope. I still need to recognize what I am doing wrong.

Before I go to bed, I need to examine my entire day and counsel with the Lord.

I will continue to make mistakes, but by committing to step 10, I am committing to take full responsibility for my mistakes.

I can't just sit back and ride along. If I live my life that way, I won't get very far. Sitting back for the ride has its place and is necessary sometimes, but I'm getting to the point where sitting back and riding the emotions isn't going to cut it much longer. It's certainly been helpful, and I know I will still need that practice at times in the future, but I need to make serious effort to living my life the way it needs to be lived or my recovery and healing. I need to adhere to the principles I know will bring me to Christ. I need to maintain my recovery. To do that, I need self-evaluation. I need humility and repentance. I need to stay in "fit spiritual condition." And humility. I need to turn to the Father and allow Him to replace my negative thoughts with peace. I need self-care. And service. I need to be alert. And trust God. I need to counsel with God--morning and evening. I need to bring Him into my life like He is my best friend.

All of this is easier said than done. But I'm working on wholehearted healing, people! These are the things I need to be doing to experience true healing and a closer relationship with my Savior.

Right now I'm full of light, hope, and energy. I know it changes daily--sometimes hourly. It's all part of the healing process. But these days, I am finding more hope and light than despair and darkness. I hope to keep it that way. And I can--if I follow the maintenance steps, which basically means I follow all the steps. And live with them close to my heart. Daily.