Life happens

It's been a very long time since a blogged. Possibly the longest hiatus I've had...

I'll start by shouting, "Hey, I'm pregnant!" [Almost 18 weeks along.] One of the last blog posts I wrote was about us starting to try for child number two. Well, things truly happen on God's timing. I wasn't anticipating becoming pregnant right away, but it happened. Which really just goes to show me that all the promptings and feelings I had that the time is right were important to listen to. And I like to think that this child of God is a strong spirit, ready to come to this world. We are so excited! [And I'll add a side note that while we were trying for three years for number one, that didn't mean the timing was any less important than this one. We felt very strongly that we needed to be trying, and it was definitely a growing experience. If anything, I've learned to be patient with God and trust in His plan, no matter if it seems different than what my plan is.]

The past few months have been very trying. At the beginning of my pregnancy was my husband's last relapse. It was difficult to take that leap of faith and start trying again only to have the addiction rear it's ugly head. Talk about hormones. Then there was the severe morning sickness that seemed to never end (the barfing has finally stopped, thank goodness. Nausea still there, but it's getting better!). And taking care of an active toddler during pregnancy is really something special. Haha. I'm learning to live in the moment and not stress too much. This pregnancy is really beautiful, as is this short time I have with only one child.

Through feeling sick and overwhelmed much of the past few months, I really haven't done a great job at doing my "dailies"--namely scripture study and prayer. It's not that I don't want to take those moments to bring the Spirit into my heart; it's just been difficult. When I feel stretched too thin, I just want some space for myself. I've been binge-reading the Harry Potter series during spare moments of time, which has been lovely but also taken away from other things I could or possibly should be doing.

Yesterday I decided to take time every day to study my scriptures and ponder, Even if it's a brief ten minutes. I've learned over the past few months that I need this spiritual renewal every day. When I go longer stretches without studying or praying, I really feel the impact it has on my daily life. I'm much less patient and feel far more overwhelmed with everything. On the other hand, when I keep Christ an active part of my day, I feel less stressed and more capable, peaceful, and whole.

I decided to start the Book of Mormon again, and I came across one of my favorite verses:

". . . But behold, I, Nephi, will show unto you that the tender mercies of the Lord are over all those whom he hath chosen, because of their faith, to make them mighty even unto the power of deliverance." --1 Nephi 1:20 

These words really spoke to me today as I was reminded of all the hard things Nephi's family went through. I've read the Book of Mormon countless times, so I know what's coming. This verse had a profound impact on me as I thought about how his family fled Jerusalem and lived in the wilderness for years. His mother even gave birth to two children while they lived in the wilderness. Nephi himself was bullied by his older brothers. And they were asked to sacrifice and give much of themselves during all this time. Nephi is abridging his father's words, so he wrote these words about tender mercies after all they had suffered.

I was reminded that life happens. It just does. Hard things happen because of other people's agency affecting our lives. And hard things happen just because it's a part of the process we experience to grow and potentially become our best selves and live with God again. But no matter the hard things or why they happen, the important thing is that God is always there. He is always watching over us and giving us "tender mercies." We just have to keep our eyes peeled and never forget that we are not alone.

I am more than my body

Credit

This post feels really vulnerable. 

Because of my pregnancy and the uncomfortable changes that happen to a woman's body during this time (uncomfortable because I'm not used to my body feeling this way and being this large in certain areas), I've been experiencing a lot more body image issues than normal. 

Don't get me wrong. I think my body is a beautiful thing, and it's amazing that my body is creating a human right now. It's amazing how capable my body is of doing what it is doing and how every change that is happening is necessary for the growth of my baby. But it's still hard, at least with what I've been fed through media, to accept some of the changes happening. Plus, I'm just a person that has a hard time dealing with change sometimes. My body has been a certain way for so long, and now that it's changing constantly, it's a little hard to get used to.

Anyway, back to the point. Body-image issues. We all have them. They didn't just start for me because of my pregnancy. I've had body image issues since I was maybe 10-12. These issues have caused me to stress-diet and develop disordered eating habits at times. I have been very unhealthy because of my desire to look a certain way.

Discovering this addiction fed many of my issues, at least until I was able to work through many of the emotional consequences of the addiction. I know I'm not alone in that, and I also know that many women who are dear to me have a harder time battling their body-image demons than I do.

So, I want to share something I discovered today while studying my scriptures.

In Ether chapter 3, the brother of Jared is preparing his "vessels" for the trip across the sea. He is worried about there being no light on their travels and asks God what they should do for light. Simply put, God asks him what he thinks he should do, so the brother of Jared moltens some stones and asks God to touch them so they will shine in the darkness and provide light.

The Lord put forth His hand to touch the stones with his finger, and the brother of Jared SAW HIS FINGER. It scared him because he had never known that God has a body of flesh and blood as we do. So then they had this conversation about God's body, and God revealed His full self to this man.

These verses really hit me (14-16, emphasis added):

"Behold, I am he who was prepared from the foundation of the world to redeem my people. Behold, I am Jesus Christ. I am the Father and the Son. In me shall all mankind have life, and that eternally, even they who shall believe on my name; and they shall become my sons and my daughters.

"And never have I showed myself unto man whom I have created, for never has man believed in me as thou has. Seest thou that ye are created after mine own image? Yea, even all men were created in the beginning after mine own image.

"Behold, this body, which ye now behold, is the body of my spirit; and man have I created after the body of my spirit; and even as I appear unto thee to be in the spirit will I appear unto my people in the flesh."

This got me thinking. We are so much more than just our bodies. Our body houses our spirit, and I personally think the spirit is more important to focus on. However, our bodies are very important because they house what is most precious: our spirits. [So maybe that makes the body and spirit equally important.] Our bodies need to be taken care of and cherished, not beaten down and sworn at because they don't look the way we wish they did or because they don't function in ways we think they should.

Our bodies have been created to be like God's body. We don't know what God looks like, but what if He looked a little bit "less than"? What if His body doesn't look like we imagine is the "perfect body"? The body of His spirit is perfect. And so are ours.

When we focus on our physical flaws (or things we perceive to be flaws), it brings us down. It takes away focus from our hearts and spirits and even causes damage to our spirits. That's what Satan wants. Satan wants us to be distracted from the most important things. He wants us to focus on destroying ourselves because HE CAN'T HAVE A BODY. So, he doesn't want us to be happy in ours.

We need to take care of our bodies, both physically and emotionally, so our spirits can be more receptive to the beauty and joy this life has to offer. We have been created after God's image, and we have divine responsibilities to perform in this life. Those responsibilities can best be fulfilled when we take care of our bodies and our spirits.

That means we need to treat ourselves with respect. Just like our spirits are individual and unique, so are our bodies. It pains me to see my friends tearing themselves down because of their perceptions of their bodies. I think every body is beautiful. I really do. I find that focusing on people's spirits is more important than focusing on their bodies because their spirit is who they really are. I know God feels the same way. He sees us as we really are, and what we have going on inside our bodies is the most important.

Our bodies are a gift to house our spirits, and I'm sure it pains Him to see me beating myself up because of my stretch marks or extra fluff and sagginess. I'm sure it pains Him to see me beating myself up for not maintaining a specific weight or level of skinniness for society's approval. He knows who I am inside, and He knows my potential. When I beat myself up for the perceived flaws of my body, it causes emotional damage. That emotional damage makes me halt a bit in life, thus slowing me down on the path to my potential.

Recognizing that my body is a house of my spirit helps me feel more at peace. I need to keep myself healthy and strong so my spirit can perform necessary works in this life. My body is beautiful because I am beautiful. I am a daughter of God, and I know when I can shine the light in the darkness, I feel beautiful. But I can't shine that light when I am constantly beating myself up.

This doesn't mean I will be able to just stop fretting about the changes in my body. But I will certainly try harder. I know after this baby comes, my body will not be the same as it has been in the past. But it will be even more beautiful because I have done another divine work with my body, and that makes it special. We all do divine works with our bodies. Our bodies give us so much potential. So, as I approach the future, I will try to find ways my body is divine rather than not meeting the social standards.

Do all things really work together for my good?

Over the past couple of months, I've been really working on exercising my faith in God's plan and trusting that He has control. It takes a lot of faith in God and patience with myself--because my faith isn't perfect. I have moments of really giving up my control, but then I have moments where I get so scared and freaked out that I start trying to reign in control (and of course, that doesn't work and causes me to make choices and act based on fear).

As I've been working Healing Through Christ, step 3, I've had to really focus on what I'm doing to turn my will and life over to God. It's hard. Like, really hard.

Today, I was faced with the question: How can I come to believe that Heavenly Father is working all things together for my good--even when they aren't happening as I'd hoped?

The question seems simple, but it's actually very tricky. Because part of me wants to believe that all things are working together for my good--that God is in control. But then part of me has a hard time believing it because life is just so damn hard sometimes.

As I focus on exercising my faith in His plan, the two things that have really helped me see that He is in control are 1) expressing gratitude and looking for the good in my life, despite the hard, and 2) looking for opportunities to learn from my trials.

Sometimes in the recovery world, we get so caught up in expressing our emotions and being validated and heard, that it can be hard to snap out of the negative. Sometimes we feel there is literally nothing to be grateful for. I'm saying we, but I really mean me (I just assume I'm not alone in these feelings...). There is a time and a place for those feelings. There really is. But I've found that it's important to feel my pain and validate it, but then to see the beauty that is coming from the pain and trials I am facing. Or to see the beauty in my life despite the trials I am facing.

When I see beautiful things in my life, I give a quick thanks for it. I'm not very good at writing in my gratitude journal every day, but I am getting much better at really digging inside myself and expressing gratitude for what I have in my prayers. I am getting much better at expressing gratitude from my heart and looking for opportunities to learn from my trials and see the beauty unfolding even when it's really hard.

Gratitude and learning are key elements, at least for me, to see that Heavenly Father truly is working all things together for my good. He may not like the things happening in my life, especially trials that come as a result of my or another person's agency. But He will help me make each experience something that works for my good.

We hear "all things happen for a reason." That may be true. But it also might not be. This might not have been part of God's plan for me. Women who have suffered serious abuse and trauma might not have been necessarily given that by God. It may have just happened at the hands of the abuser because of that person's choices. But God is always there and He will provide us with the means to endure. And THAT is what will make all things work together for our good.

I'm trying to keep focus on what I'm grateful for and the beauty in my life so the hard doesn't drown me.

How do you come to believe that Heavenly Father is working all things together for your good--even when things are hard as hell?

Reflections on a Mother-in-law Moment

I just got back from a Disneyland trip with Ben's family [so fun!]. While waiting with my mother-in-law during one of the rides, we had a tender conversation about trials in marriage.

Something she said to me really stood out, and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. She talked about how Ben always had a strong testimony and carried the Spirit with him. She expressed her love for him and me, and she said very firmly that she knows he has been ensnared by Satan, but she also knows he can be healed as long as he does everything in his power to stay close to the Spirit of God. She said we are both strong, and that she knows we can get through this if we are dedicated to each other and to Christ, no matter how long and hard this healing and recovery process may be.

As I am pregnant with a son, I could feel deep empathy for her pain in seeing her son going through this trial with his wife. For a moment, I could see Ben through her eyes and feel her pain and heartache.

I also know we can get through this, but that much of that depends on Ben's personal dedication to God and his recovery. I sometimes wonder, as many of us do, at what point can I call it quits? At what point is enough enough and God is ready for me to move on? Those thoughts take my mind spiraling out of control, and I have many questions and opinions that I usually keep to myself because it is a very delicate matter and a personal decision for every individual situation.

I know I haven't reached the point where I should call it quits, and I pray I never do. Times get really hard as I face this in my marriage. There are black holes in the four years we have been married that I try to push out of my memory because they are so incredibly painful to deal with. But there are also so many incredibly beautiful moments in our marriage and life together that I wouldn't trade for anything, and many of those beautiful moments have come after the darkest darks.

Ben's mom can see his potential. I can also see his potential. Looking through both my and her perspectives has given me a greater strength and understanding to see what the future has in store for us if we can keep getting through this. I know it won't be easy. It's never easy. But I do know it will be worth it.

Addiction is a sickness. I know there are choices he makes that are not great choices and lead him into the addiction. But I also know (because I feel like I really do know Ben) that he has been ensnared by Satan, and he is going through something that won't just go away. It has to be healed and will be a long process. It will require effort on both our parts (his healing requires effort on his part, obviously, but the process will also require patience and Christlike love on my part).

But no matter what, we are in a marriage. He is in recovery, and as long as he is in recovery, I feel safe enough to work on cleaving unto him. When he acts out, it does cause setbacks and there are issues that arise and need to be worked through. But overall, we are making so much progress, and I am so grateful and happy with where we are right now.

Sometimes I get impatient. But I try to remind myself that life is a journey, and all I can do is make the best of each moment I am given.

Camp Scabs: The Warriors

I was blessed to have the opportunity to attend Camp Scabs last week. When Scabs told me I was the recipient of a scholarship, I cried. At the time, I didn't even know how much I would need this. I was also planning on attending Togetherness Project, but I have since decided not to due to the state of our finances (*tear*). Thus, Camp Scabs became my only source of real connection with women in my same situation, and right now my healing is in a very fragile place. I know many women applied for a scholarship, and I am so, so grateful I was one of the few recipients for this round.

Every women who has suffered betrayal trauma needs a safe place to go. We need connection, and that connection is so healing. Even though many people know my story and know I am dealing with this, I still can't openly talk about it like I can with my warrior sisters. Unless you've gone through it, chances are you don't know how to empathize with me. Because of the way our society is built, there is so much I have to keep inside.

With my warrior, there are no boundaries. We can develop friendships much faster, we develop trust more deep, and we develop a love so strong because of what has brought us together. We can openly joke and talk about sex and porn. We cry. We laugh. We "burn shit" and cry and laugh while doing it. My most vulnerable and safest friendships have formed because of the hell Ben's addiction has put me through.

Camp Scabs was simply beautiful. Each woman in attendance is full of grace, beauty, and strength. Each woman is a warrior. We have all been through so much pain, and sharing that pain with one another brought our group strength to carry on together.

It's hard for me to write about the specifics of Camp Scabs right now. I have so much on my mind, and the experiences I had over the weekend are so near and dear to my heart, that I just can't share it in detail with the world (although I'm positive that with time, little pieces of my thoughts and pain will come out as I process my walk through this mess).

I hope and pray that every woman suffering in the way we have suffered can find the support, love, and laughter she needs.

The brightest of lights

I have so much to say. So many thoughts rambling through my head, and I'm not quite sure how to express what is going on.

Two completely opposite emotions are raging inside me: joy and depression. I've written about my depression a little bit (last week), but I'm wanting to be more specific. I'll probably have to split this into multiple posts.

I'm experiencing a tremendous amount of joy. That's because I'm pregnant! And because my relationship with Ben is in a crazy high place and trust is flooding back in.

Now we can all cheer because, holy crap, I'm pregnant! 

I haven't written about it on this blog because now that my recovery and healing is mixed with my "real" life, I couldn't bring myself to discuss the matter here. Too much at stake. I've had a lot of fears about miscarrying, which would take a huge toll on both Ben and me in a lot of ways, and I didn't want everyone in that business. Some things just need to be my business for a time.

However, once I was able to bust through those fears, I decided I wanted to share this part of my story even though I'm only 10 weeks. Because this is huge. This is a significant part of our story, and I felt very strongly over the weekend that now is the time it needs to be shared.

I've written a little about my faith crisis. I'm still struggling, and I don't expect it to be resolved or go away very easily. That's okay because in reality, I'm finding that working through a faith crisis is a beautiful thing (or at least, I keep telling myself that). Anyway, when we found out I am pregnant, it came as a complete shock (and has provided some healing to parts of my faith crisis).

I mean, seriously. We reached a LOW this year. A major low. Divorce became an real option. Damage had been done, and there was much to work through and sort out. When I quit my job early and moved to Texas, it was on complete faith in God. I loved my job. I still miss it. But I felt that taking care of us and paving the way to healing, not only for us, but for our future family, was the most important thing we could do.

People knew of our situation. People knew we had also struggled with infertility. I was warned by a handful of people to be careful not to rush into baby-making when we were so fragile (I even experienced that advice after knowing I was pregnant, while no one else knew). I had that mindset of warning and care-taking. And I was careful, but I also followed the spirit.

When I had the idea that we needed to start over to heal our relationship, I know it was revelation from God. So we dated and took physical intimacy off the table for a while. We gradually worked our way to intimacy and were eventually led to a point where we both felt fairly safe. I knew we would not be divorcing any time soon (or ever...hopefully). Divorce was no longer on the radar. Family was. Family and healing became priority, and they seemed to come together. 

I took the matter to the Lord. After all, He had not let me down. And eventually (or quickly), I was pregnant.

It did come as a shock. After all this time, after all the battles we have faced, I was not anticipating this one being resolved so quickly and with no medical intervention. Tender mercy. God's timing.

Being pregnant has been really hard. I thought since my life has had so many challenges anyway, I deserved to have an easy pregnancy whenever it should eventually happen. That has not been the case. Pregnancy has not been easy, but that's okay. I've seen God's hand in all of this. And maybe that's why it's not easy. Because if I didn't have to pay attention to that kind of stuff, I wouldn't actually know what God was doing with my life.

For one thing, the timing on this is amazing. I mean, words cannot even express the joy both Ben and I feel with the fact that we are welcoming in a little one soon. That joy has brought us so much closer together, and the timing on that is perfect because we need this. We need this joy and this love we are experiencing after all the hell we have been through. Some people say that having a pregnancy and baby will cause more problems, and I know that is true in its own way. It will be hard. I am positive of that. But it's taking a positive emotional turn on our relationship, rather than a negative one.

Here's why:

Ben has been given countless opportunities to serve me. And, I just feel weak and pathetic because of how sick I am. It's been hard and kind of a shot at my ego and pride to have to lean on him for everything. But he does it, willingly and graciously. He listens to me complain about having no food to eat because I have thrown up most of my options. He does dishes. He holds me when I cry because it's so hard being so sick. He makes an effort to spend time with me when he is stressed about work and could be spending that time working. And he lets me eat all the ice cream.

I'm seeing the Ben I married emerge. The Ben who has been lost because of the addiction. The kind, gentle, selfless man who I was lucky enough to snag. The guy that every girl would be jealous to have because he is that great. That's the guy who is present in our marriage right now.

I'm learning to trust him again. I mean, I already trusted him enough to carry his child. But there are different kinds of healing of trust that needed to take place, and they are. They are.

While I'm sick and feel icky and gross much of the time, this pregnancy has provided much emotional healing. And I feel so grateful for it.

I know it's God's timing. I see it. I see it manifested in so many ways, and words cannot even express what that does for me.

I know I needed to leave Arkansas when I did. At the time, our relationship was only getting worse, and we needed to heal. Had I spent more time there, it would have gotten way worse--to what point, I'm not exactly sure. But I know it would have gotten worse, and the road to healing would have been much harder to bear. I know I would not be pregnant. And this joy we both feel, and the peace we are experiencing in our marriage right now, would be nonexistent. I know that. And that is how I know God has had His hand in all of this. The entire time. He knew exactly when we needed a child. He knew exactly what we needed to grow. Our trials are not over, but as I put my trust in God and see how perfect His plan is, it gets easier to trust Him all the more.

This is beautiful to me. The challenges Ben and I have faced have been horrible. Yet, from the darkness and horrors can emerge beauty. I'm keeping my eyes open to the beauty. I am trying to be find things to be grateful for every day, and I'm finding that my life is not at all what I imagined. It's better.

I know that sounds so cheesy and silly. And maybe to people who are in the thick of the hell the addiction brings, that may feel like, "Yeah, yeah, let's see how things are in a year. Maybe it won't feel so beautiful." And maybe that's true. But I have found that when I face the darkest of darks, I eventually experience the brightest of lights.

I have so much hope for the future. The addiction isn't resolved. It will always be a problem. But because of times like this, I can see the true potential of my eternal marriage, and I know that somehow, no matter what, things will be okay. [Even if it were to end in divorce some day. No matter what, I know God is guiding me.]


ANDDD I'll get to the rest of what I was going to write later. After writing about and reminding myself of all the joy, I no longer feel inclined to write about the depression. Plus, this post is pretty long anyway.

I am beautiful. YOU are beautiful.

I remember the first time Ben and I ever hung out, just the two of us. We watched Dan in Real Life. We sat on opposite ends of the couch. I thought he was cute and funny, but he was short.

I remember when we were in an "off" period (broken up or something), I went running with Ben's roommate. We talked about my potential future. I told him Ben was perfect except that he was short, and I didn't know if I could handle that.

"I know you won't base eternity off of something as shallow as that." That was his response.

He was right. I couldn't base the idea of a future with Ben off his height. He was everything I dreamed in a future husband. He treated me with respect, adoration, and love. He had a strong testimony. He was goofy. He wasn't afraid of watching chick flicks. He thought I was funny. He liked keeping his body healthy and strong. And then some. I felt safe and secure with him for the most part.

After the addiction came out, I really struggled with body image. I know I'm not alone in that. Many of us do. But because I felt like my spiritual warrior had broken down, I didn't even has his physical stature as a symbol of protection and safety. It may sound silly, but I always felt like if he were at least taller than me, I would feel better around him. I could still feel like he was my protector and warrior in some way IF HE WERE JUST TALLER THAN ME!

I lost a lot of weight very quickly. I counted calories like nobody's business. If I didn't get to exercise during the day, my caloric intake was dramatically decreased. I was not about to get fat. In my efforts to not get fat, I was very weak and irritable. My body changed for the worse. My emotions were out of control, my bones felt weak and brittle, and it was all I could to do stand some days.

But I had this complex about gaining weight. If I gained weight, I wouldn't be pretty enough for him. I couldn't compete at all with the porn or his fantasies. If I gained weight, I would be this big blob next to him.

I felt like I was the spiritual warrior. I couldn't beat him in physical stature too. I had to stay smaller than him. Way smaller.

If someone had said, "Kilee, I think you look unhealthily skinny. Are you doing okay?" I probably would have gotten mad. Ben's brain wasn't the only one that was broken. Mine was breaking too.

Looking back, however, I think I longed for someone to notice the physical effect the pain was having on me. If someone had noticed my weight loss and asked me about it--and told me they didn't buy my story that I was fine--I might have opened up to them. I might have called for help. Or at least, I might have taken care of myself better.

People told me how great I looked. "Kilee you're so skinny! Oh my gosh, you look fantastic!" That only secured even more in my head the fact that my worth was based on how I looked. People seemed to like me more because I was skinny and pretty (or at least that is how it seemed in my head).

I just moved back to the area where I grew up. I currently weigh about 18 pounds less than I did in high school. When I run into people I knew in that life, one of the first things out of their mouth is "You look so good." Of course, they then clear up the confusion that they might be implying that I didn't always look good with the cover, "I mean, not that you don't always look good. But wow! You look so good."

I can't even count the number of people who have commented on my body in the past week.

I don't want to sound like a scrooge and say I hate it. But, okay, I hate it. I don't want people to comment on my body. If people like something about me, I want it to be because I have a rockin personality (though, I do appreciate comments about my hair. Because my hair is pretty awesome ;)).

Really, I just wish our society didn't objectify our bodies so much. I feel like I'm constantly surrounded by people who are self-conscious about their bodies. Because of my experience, I'm learning to love myself as I am. I wish everyone could do that! I have beautiful friends, and I see beautiful people every day who are so self conscious about their bodies.

It shouldn't matter. It really shouldn't . And I know I need to take my own advice.

It shouldn't matter how thick or thin you are. It shouldn't matter how big your stomach is or if you have stretch marks from a pregnancy. It shouldn't matter if your hair looks "gross" or if you are wearing makeup or not.

What should matter is how healthy you feel. And whether or not you are being true to yourself.

Are you taking care of yourself physically, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually?

That is what matters.

Sometimes I still struggle with the fact that I'm taller than Ben. Sometimes I struggle with how I look. But I know those don't define my worth, and I'm working on accepting and loving myself as I am. I am imperfect, and I am beautiful.

My worth is defined by God.

I am beautiful because I am His daughter.

I am beautiful because I carry His spirit.

I am beautiful because I am able to love.

I don't have to be skinny to be beautiful. I don't have to be shorter to fit in. I don't have to be anything except who I am and the person I am trying to be.

I hope you can see that for yourself. You are beautiful. You are.