Memory Lane, Anger, and Now

Sometimes when things are hard and it feels like everything is piling on, I start living in the past. Asking myself how I got here and wondering what life would be like if I had made different choices.

This happened on Sunday. I can't remember what happened Sunday that put me down that road of thinking. Maybe it was the fact that this time of year has been triggery for me because I'm living where we were engaged. And we were engaged this time of year five years ago. And I just attended a wedding reception for a friend, and her theme of her engagement and wedding has been "happily ever after." Not to be rude, but *gag me*. It's triggering to me because when I was younger, I loved princesses, fairy tales, and happily ever afters (still do). But sometimes I don't feel like I have a happily ever after...and that trigger is not the point of this post. Moving on.

On Sunday, I was reflecting on our initial friendship, dating, and engagement. He really pursued me. I had no interest in dating him for mostly superficial reasons, but he kept pursuing me. Eventually, I told him I would not date him and if that meant we couldn't even be friends, then he needed to move on. And it was when he was completely removed from my life that I realized I couldn't live without him. That was when I started thinking about dating him, and shortly after we started dating I knew I was supposed to marry him.

But here's the thing. Our friendship and dating experiences were a roller coaster. Major ups and downs. It was crazy. I remember how completely broken and alone I felt during the point where we cut each other out of our lives completely. I remember feeling so confused and asking God what the heck was going on. I remember being on my knees, sobbing, because I didn't understand why I felt such a powerful connection to Ben when I also didn't really want to date him. And then I remember saying, "Heavenly Father, I don't know what is happening here. But I do know you see all. I refuse to date Ben unless it is to marry him one day because the roller coaster is ridiculous. So if I'm supposed to marry him, help me to develop the romantic feelings I need and the strength to bring him back into my life."

I asked God to help me love Ben. And He did.

So as I thought about this on Sunday, I asked myself WHYYYYY I did that. Why didn't I just let him move on with his life without me? Why didn't I just be grateful that he finally left me alone and move on?

It's kind of confusing to me because when I think about all of this, sometimes I think, "I didn't really love him. So why the hell did I marry him?"

But then I start writing about it in my journal or here, and as I write, so many flashbacks hit me and I remember HOW MUCH I loved him. And even though our story is confusing and had so many ups and downs, I can reflect back on everything and see exactly how God prepared me.

I wanted to marry someone else. By the time I started dating Ben, the ex was supposed to come home from his mission in four months. FOUR. But I felt very strongly (and trust me when I say that I was so confused that I leaned on God for every single decision I made at the time) that I was supposed to date and then marry Ben. And I can't deny that.

I went to my local LDS PASG group Sunday night. After all the things I had been feeling (and have been feeling for months now, because let's be honest, I've been in a pit), being at group Sunday was exactly what I needed. Every single woman there said something in the discussion or their shares that I needed to hear.

I volunteered to share first, and I shared all my conflicting feelings about dating and marrying Ben and how I had been questioning everything. Two other women then shared very similar experiences, which was incredibly validating. Then, one woman talked about her dating and marriage experience. She said she didn't know why at the time, but she took the matter to God multiple times, asking His guidance on marrying her husband. She said, "It brings me great comfort now to know how many times God gave me guidance and approval to marry Husband. I didn't know why I kept asking for reassurance at the time, but I can look back now and know I didn't make a mistake. I didn't know about the addiction, but God did. My husband is the same as he was when I married him, I just didn't know all of who he was. But God did. And I know that things will be okay. Whether or not we divorce one day, things will be okay."

That really hit me. I felt so many parallels to my own life.

Life with an addict is HARD. So hard. Sometimes I think really violent thoughts towards him. Sometimes I wish I had never met him. BUT there has been so much good in our relationship. And I can't deny the good.

I think the thing that is the scariest for me is that after everything we have been through, what if we don't actually end up together for eternity because of his choices? I didn't marry him to end up not together. And I don't want to waste my time on this earth trying to make peace in our relationship and dedicate so much of my life to him here only to end up alone there.

I really do love him. Sometimes I block myself from feeling because feeling is too hard. But last night, in my prayer, God reminded me of everything. And as I've been writing this post, so many memories have hit me. I'm looking at all the pictures on the wall of our living room, and I see so much light and happiness in our past, and I see the hope for our future.

Sometimes I just get really mad at God and Ben for being in this situation. Anger is addictive and hard to move past. But I had an experience last night in prayer (that I will share in another post)  and Sunday night in group that I think will help me to finally move past the anger I've been feeling for the past five months.

When I left group on Sunday, I had a renewed dedication to my marriage. I felt a sense of strength towards sticking to my Safety Plan so I and our Little Man are safe. But I also felt a sense of commitment to my marriage and specifically dating each other. We did the whole "starting over" thing last summer and it was great for us. Granted, he was doing really well in recovery and not acting out like he is now. But as I rethink my boundaries and discuss things with him, I'm hoping that SOON, he will reach a point in his recovery where he is sober. He does have to prove his recovery to me. And then we can rebuild.

I'm terrified he will never have sobriety. But I'm trying to have faith, not fear. I know what God wants me to do with my life right now. So I'm taking the reins and doing what needs to be done for MY recovery and healing right now, and I'll let him figure out his.

I CAN heal, even if he is still active in addiction. His acting out should not determine my happiness.
I CAN heal. So I'm going to.

The Addiction: Is It About You?

This post is for those of you who have struggled with the concept that “this has nothing to do with you.”

I’ve struggled with that concept a lot since I started my recovery. Despite how that may sound, my struggle with it is not because I think the addiction is my fault. I feel very blessed to have only minimally thought about the addiction in those terms, and those thoughts were very quickly shut down in the beginning stages of my recovery. However, that phrase bothers me because I still feel like the addiction has very much to do with me.

People in my recovery groups in Utah, along with my previous bishop, constantly told me “it has nothing to do with you.” Everything seemed to be focused around not being codependent and knowing the addiction was not about me. I was instructed to lean on Christ and let Him heal me. That’s good, but it made me feel like I’m supposed to find a way for this to not hurt me because “it has nothing to do with me.” If it has nothing to do with me, I shouldn’t be hurt by it, right?

I think I’ve been waiting for that day in my recovery that the addiction doesn’t hurt me, or that I am so quick to turn it over to God that I don’t feel the pain.

That’s not how it works.

Ben’s addiction has nothing to do with me in the sense that I’m not the cause. I’m not at fault for anything he has done. He doesn’t turn to his addiction because I’m not beautiful or fulfilling enough (and if he did, I would say screw him because I don’t feel the need to change myself physically for anyone but me). He doesn’t turn to his addiction because I’m a failure of a wife. I know I’m not. In fact, I’m an amazing wife, and I have a lot of patience and love. It is in those types of instances that the addiction has nothing to do with me.

The addiction doesn’t stem from me, but it still has very much to do with me. He is my husband. He turns to his addiction rather than God or me. He breaks promises and does things that hurt me, and I’ve realized it’s okay and normal that they hurt me. Just because the addiction “isn’t about me” doesn’t mean I can’t be hurt by it. This is my life, and it very much involves me. This life I’m living is all about me. I can rely on God and still be very much hurt by the actions of my husband. It comes with the reality I’m living. He has made commitments, and I have hope that he will keep them. When that hope is crushed, it’s only natural to be hurt.

So, if this is a concept you have struggled with, know you’re not alone. The addiction isn’t about you, meaning it is in no way your fault. The consequences and pain of the addiction very much involve you, and that is normal. As you seek your own recovery, you will be healed and blessed to find the true joy and happiness you deserve even in the midst of addiction in your life.

Copendency and Relapses

Credit

I love daisies. They are my favorite flower.


This week I've been working on decreasing my codependency. I've realized that as much as I hate to admit it, I'm still struggling with that. It's not so much me hounding his every move, checking his phone, and creating passwords so he can only access the internet when I let him. It's more along the lines of I have attachment and security issues. They stem from failed relationships in my past along with the addiction problems.

My codependency is like this: we need to spend as much time together as we can. I'm kind of clingy and needy.  I mean, he is my husband, and I love him. I obviously want to spend lots of time with him. Plus, because of our problems from the addiction, I want to spend even more time with him because that's part of how I feel safe. Because I have attachment problems, it's sometimes hard for me to let go of him. It's like when a child has attachment issues with their parent, when their "secure base", the parent, is out of sight, the child can't function properly. I stress out when I can't spend the time with him that I think I need. It kind of drives him crazy sometimes but he is a good sport with my neediness. 

One character trait I am working on developing is the ability to just do our thing and be supportive. I don't like feeling so needy. For example, I really look up to the wives of general authorities. They are so selfless. They seem like they have such good relationships, and yet they probably don't get tons of time together. I want that. I want to be able to still feel solid in my relationship even if we are extremely busy. I want to be able to be supportive of where life takes the both of us and still feel totally in love and all that supportive wife stuff. 

Last weekend, I started stressing about the things coming up: mainly school starting. I have a lot of responsibiliies, both in regards to school and in regards to other things in my life. I'm afraid we won't get much time together. Let's be honest: we won't have much time together. Rather than allowing myself to get stressed and nonfunctional about it, I decided to put my brave face on and accept that we will both be busy. We will both be busy. And that is okay. Things are going to get really hard. And that is okay. I realized I have to have a change in attitude and perspective. So, I decided to take life head-on and just know it's okay. I didn't know I could make that decision. I didn't know I had it in me, but I do. Every time things have gotten busy and I've started dwelling on the things I think I don't have time for, namely the time I want to spend talking to Jack, I just remind myself it's okay. We didn't have much time to talk about our days today? That's okay--I'll tell him the important stuff tomorrow. I have been crazy busy this week with professional development and housekeeping stuff for school, but things have been pretty awesome overall, and it feels good to know that I made the decision that eveyrthing will be okay.

I've been really happy this week. I've learned tons at my professional development sessions and collaboration. I feel so excited and so ready for school to start. My change of attitude has been helpful, and I really can't wait for all the craziness to start on Monday! 

Last night, I was expressing my happiness, excitement, and all that to Jack. It's really been an amazing week. As I was pouring out my heart (it was the first time we had really sat down and talked all week), he let the bomb drop.

"Marie, I have to tell you something. It's bad." 

 

Multiple relapses this week. He had almost a month of sobriety going for him, and this week it came back. Yesterday was the worst day. He made the choice. He didn't even deny it or blame it on the addiction. When I asked what happened, he said, "I chose to do it."

What do you do? Does it happen that way for anyone else? That's how it happens quite often with me. I'm finally getting a hold on the peace and feeling good. I'm trusting again. I'm feeling happy. And then BAM! I find out things aren't as good as they seem.

I kept my cool, though. I was even supportive. I found the good in the situation and told him I was proud of those things (I really don't like being negative. I'm big on positive reinforcement). We kept talking. Went to sleep. I woke up and went to work. 

On my way to work, I pondered and prayed. I was listening to my recovery playlist, and I was strengthened by the messages of the songs I chose to put on that playlist. Through all of my pondering this morning, I asked myself, how do I pass over this burden? I don't want to deal with it. I don't want to feel depressed. But I don't want to ignore it. I can't deal with this right now. I have too much to do for school. I worry about him. I'm worried it will happen again today. I'm worried he will get depressed. I had all these thoughts swirling through my mind, and I didn't know how to let go. And then all of the sudden, this visual came to me of me just taking off my bags and literally handing them over to Christ. I've heard of that before, but whenever I try to visualize it, it doesn't work. It has never worked for me until this morning, and I physically felt myself hand it all over and Him taking it from me. It was amazing. And I felt peace and calm.

I've been writing this post on and off at school during my spare free minutes (during breaks when people are just chatting and we are waiting on the next thing). That peace and calm has stayed with me. Even when Jack texted me saying he did it again. Today was the same as yesterday. 

I feel strength. I know that I am strong. All I said to him in response is "We are going to have to defer back to throwing out the money-changers. Let's talk about it later." I don't know what I'll do. I'll definitely set boundaries, but I don't know what they will be. I don't know how much I should take control, either. If you remember that post, I talked about taking more control in a loving way, rather than codependent. I'm praying to find that line so I can do what I need to do out of love and not get caught in codependency.

So, I guess there will be an update after I figure this all out. Sorry if this seems choppy at all. Like I said, I've been writing it on and off at school all day.