The Presence of Angels

I've had a hard time being motivated by anything lately. Last week, I allowed the whole bishop thing to push me into a trauma-depression--well, that along with some things regarding Ben and our relationship. I fought for a couple of days to not go into depression, but then I gave up. I think I needed to just wallow in some pain and allow myself to do NOTHING with my life for a few days. Nothing, except survive. And I did.

Sunday, I fasted for me, Ben, and some of my Warrior Sisters who have also been having a hard time. My fast (or possibly my change of heart about some things) helped me rise above the depression. I was literally carried by Christ. I know it.

When I went to group Sunday night, I wasn't sure what to share. It was the first time I ever considered just not sharing. But, I decided to share a little about my week. As I rambled about the bishop thing and my depression, I realized the point I needed to share: God never lets us alone.

Sometimes I feel alone. I definitely did while I was in that dark, lonely place called depression. It wasn't until I started having really ugly thoughts that I reached out to make sure I was not spending my days alone and possibly become a danger to myself.

But I wasn't alone. I was sent angels in the way of friends to lift me up. People to make me laugh. People to call me and make sure I was okay. People to invite me to come over (and play with their kids). A husband to help me with dinner. Scriptures that fell open to the exact verses I needed.

I was given angels to give me strength to go on. Especially Sunday. I thought Friday was bad--that is until I got to Saturday. Then I thought Saturday was bad. Until I got to Sunday. Sunday was BAD (in the morning). It took every ounce of energy to go to church. To stay at church. To fulfill my calling (nursery). To attend our weekly meeting with bishop... But I did it. I did all those things, and with each thing I did, I felt more brave and more strong, and after church, I felt so much peace. (By the way, our meeting with bishop did not go super well...I didn't address the issues I already had. I just couldn't. It was too raw. I just tried to speak as little as possible. Long story. But anyway, the visit validated my dislike for him. Which I hate saying. But I'm glad I went because I feel validated, and I wouldn't have felt that had I chickened out and not gone in to the meeting.)

I was given strength to make it through Monday. And Tuesday.

I can feel the depression and despair lurking under the surface. I'm allowing myself to acknowledge that they are there (because if I don't acknowledge them, they will fight their way to the top and make sure they are acknowledged--in a very bad way), but I am not allowing them to rule me. I feel fear and anxiety threatening, but I'm not allowing them to dictate me either. I made a list of things that need to get done this week, and I'm slowly working my way down the list. If I need chill time, I have books to read while I curl up and chill. But other than that, I'm hitting my to-do list like a fat kid hits a buffet.

I know God hasn't left me. I've left Him hanging a bit, out of anger and not really knowing what else to do, but I know He hasn't left me. I know He is heartbroken over the situation I'm in. I know He wishes He could change it, but if He did, that would require Him to take away some people's agency, including mine. He is letting me work through this mess and heal, and He is giving me things that will help without taking away anyone's agency.

I know God has given me angels. And strength.

I know there is a purpose to all of this trauma and depression. I'm discovering it little by little.

I know I'm not alone. I'm never alone.

Sometimes it's hard to hold on to those truths. There are definitely things I'm questioning that I thought I would never question. But, the important thing for me is to hold on to what I know. If I can hold on to what I know, no one (ahem...Satan) will wreck me, and I will be okay.

Lots of my fellow warrior sisters had a hard week last week. And are still having a hard week. I'm praying for you multiple times a day. Just so you know.

This song came on my recovery playlist the other day while I was feeling depressed. I felt like it was dedicated to me from God. Now, here's to you:

You know what?

This week I've faced a lot of emotion. I've fought shame, triggers, and trauma. I've had ups and downs. But I feel great.

Yesterday, I talked to my cousin on the phone for a while. She didn't know about the addiction, but I felt like I should tell her. Plus, it's so hard to answer, and feel honest, when people ask how things are going without bringing up the addiction. Or at least saying we are having marital trouble.

As I poured out the effects of the addiction on our marriage and how we have struggled in the past year, especially the past few months, I boldly stated, "I know this sounds awful and it's a lot to take in. But I love my life." It even took me a little by surprise.

But you know what? I love my life.
Sometimes I hate it, but there are so many beautiful things in my life.

God grants me tender mercies every day.
I have amazing friends who I wouldn't have met were it not for the addiction.
I have an amazing husband. Even if we somehow don't make it through this, there is too much good in our marriage to be hateful of the experience we have had together (which leads me to believe we will make it through this... but I'm having trust issues, so it's hard to be vulnerable enough to say that without some kind of disclaimer).
I have a stronger relationship with God then I could ever imagine. How could I hate something that has brought me so much closer to my Father and my Savior?
I have learned that no trial exempts me from other trials. I've also learned that I can master anything if I turn to God.
I have learned what it means to love with my whole heart.
I have learned the true meaning of surrender to God.
I have learned who my true friends are.
I see light [almost] every day, even if just for a brief moment in time. And it is those pockets of light that pull me through the darkness.
I'm starting to really understand the "plan", the Atonement, charity, and joy.
I'm discovering who I truly am. And I love who I am.
I'm learning how to use my talents to facilitate joy--in my life and the lives of others around me.

That's just part of it.
But I truly believe that I can love my life, even if the addiction is a part of it. I hope and pray that we are close to truly kicking the addiction to the curb. I hope and pray that we are on the adventure together--climbing back up and building the greatness that can be our life. Together.

Regardless of what he chooses, I know I can be happy. So I am trying to choose that.

Hell-Week's Disguised Blessings

Yesterday (well, this whole week) was impossibly long and hard. Thursday night/yesterday were my time to crash and burn. I almost cried at school. Luckily, it was during my favorite class (my catering class-nine students), and they are so amazing in there. I mean, it was a very awkward moment, but I just told them it wasn't them, it was me, and I was simply having a rough day. They love me, and they held me up. Then the rest of the day (I have one of those students three class periods in a row, and four others of those students two class periods in a row), they let everyone who was even remotely rude to me know that I was having a bad day and to knock it off. The rest of the day, all of my students were very protective of my emotional state. They fed me with compliments--telling me that I'm a great teacher, they love me, and that I'm beautiful. It was so amazing to feel that power and love around me. As a high school teacher.

I'm supposed to be in Branson this weekend. My friends are having a girls' weekend without me. That's a story in itself, and all I'll say is I had too much work to do, so I chose not to go as an act of self-care. Going was supposed to be self-care, but with progress reports going out Monday (and how backed up I am in grading and other things with school), the idea of going became pure stress. I decided to stay home so I could get as much as I can done because next week might be hell-week at school. I have so much to do. Plus I woke up feeling sick yesterday and worse today, so I'm glad I can just lay in bed doing my school-work and not be walking around outlet malls in the cold.

Last night I was at school until seven. SEVEN! On a Friday. Did I mention I got to school around 7:10 am? Right when I was feeling sorry for myself (around 5:15) two of my favorite students came in to say hi. They were setting up for the cheer competition today, and decided to take a break and see if I was still there...What kinds of students would expect a teacher to still be at school on Friday at 5:15? Inspired ones. Actually, they wanted some cookies that they were supposed to come get after school but forgot about. Nevertheless, I felt very blessed that they came to visit me and chat for a bit, and I do think it was inspired. About an hour later, a couple more students came to borrow my vacuum to vacuum turf off of something as they were setting up for the competition. These are my two funniest students (and I can never get enough laughs in, especially when I'm depressed that it's 6:15 on a Friday night, and I'm still at school), and it was another little blessing that I knew was from God.

I have stress hives. Not to mention the pain in my back, neck, and feet, which are constant. I wanted to do some form of exercise today, but I'm sick. So, I'll just lay here and do school stuff while I'm wrapped in blankets trying to keep warm. Things could look really down, but I know I'm so blessed. Throughout this entire week, which has had incredible highs and lows (Seriously. Insane amounts of tears, but insane amounts of joy too), I have been blessed. I'm sure later today I will get depressed again, but I'm just grateful for the moments of clarity I have when I know I'm extremely blessed.

Last night, we had pizza for dinner, made a fort with my 13-year old sister, and watched a movie with her. Today I might paint (hopefully...it would be amazing if I could paint!), and I'll for sure do some ADDO and study my scriptures.

It's actually a tender mercy that I had so much to do that I couldn't go to Branson. I am getting some necessary time for myself. Everything I had to do was too much to do after coming home from Branson, but it's not so much that it's taking up my whole weekend. Well, actually, it was, but I crossed some stuff off my list. I'm simplifying for myself. Kind of like how I chose not to grade some assignments because it was too overwhelming. Anyway, right now I'm supposed to be at a Stake Leadership Training for Young Women's, but I skipped it for self-care. And I think God understands that. When I prayed about what to cross off my weekend, I felt very strongly that I need to take care of myself this weekend. What a blessing.

God sees me. He knows me. He knows exactly what to do for me. And I have the Atonement to lean on.

Christ has felt pains, afflictions, and temptations of every kind (Alma 7:11). That means this kind. The kind I feel when I'm severely depressed. The kind I feel when I'm struggling with the responsibilities I have at school. The kind I feel when I'm stuck with the addiction in my life. The kind I feel because I'm not wearing my wedding ring, and the kind I feel when I put the ring back on.

He has taken all of our infirmities (physical and mental weaknesses) upon Himself (Alma 7:12). Because of that, He is filled with mercy, and He knows exactly what we need to be lifted up. He knows because He has felt it. He knows when I need merciful students to feed me with love and compliments. He knows when I need my husband to buy my favorite pizza and decide we're making a fort and watching a movie. He knows when I need my sweet sisters to make me laugh. He knows when I need my principal to email me telling me how great of a job I'm doing and that my work doesn't go unnoticed. He knows when I need my young women's president to ask me how my week is going and expect an honest answer (there is another person I opened up to about the addiction this week :) woot!). He knows when I need students to come talk to me about their own trials. It gives me perspective, and it also shows me that I am in the right place right now and am making a difference for them. I love my students. He knows when to prompt me to cut down and give me peace about cutting down on things in my life. He knows when to give me moments of peace and clarity. This list could go on.

He sees me. He knows me. He is always there for me. And, even though I know that, sometimes I still get a little mad and prideful because things are so hard.

But He is always there waiting for me with open arms. In the meantime, He sends angels to help lift me up.

That's Who I Am

I have a lot to write and no time.

I have felt a lot of stress and pressure lately, especially today. I almost had a meltdown at school about some things (half school related, half personal issues), but luckily I kept my composure. 

I've also been incredibly blessed. Even though I don't have much time to get on here and read blogs, or write my own for that matter, and even though I don't have much time to study my scriptures, I'm really working on my relationship with God. I don't do the greatest every day, but I do what I can. I've found myself leaning on the half hour drive to and from work as my alone time and my time with God. I rotate between listening to talks, listening to classical and piano music, and listening to inspiring music.  During the day, I try to listen to the Spirit. I pray when I can, and I try to see my students through God's eyes. I've had some amazing experiences. 

Today I have been blessed with incredible strength. And I was blessed to feel Christ carry me. I've been studying the talk "Of Regrets and Resolutions" this week along with the Atonement, and it has really helped me see things through clearer eyes. I can't really get into it now, but I really just wanted to express that He is there. I can feel it every day, even when I'm down. I also feel Satan attacking me, and I'm learning how to deal with his negative influences in positive ways and kick him to the curb. 

Lots of tender mercies have been thrown my way today. I'm thanking the Lord for every single one.

One was this song coming on during my drive home today. I put my recovery playlist on shuffle and told God to just hit me with the ones I need. The songs came in the most perfect order ever. And this is one that really lifted me up and strengthened me:

That’s Who I Am

(by Hilary Weeks)

I can feel myself breathe

Really breathe again

Gonna let myself dream

Really dream again

I won’t ever stop trying

This is my story

And I’m still writing!

I’m uncovering strength

I’ve never felt before

There is a fire inside

That’s never burned before

My fears are all dying

It’s time to spread my wings

And start flying

 This moment is mine

And I’m gonna take it

Today is a gift

And I will embrace it

I am strong

And I believe

That’s who I’m meant to be

Every step that I take

Is lifting me higher

Every corner I turn

The future is brighter

I am brave enough to face the storm

And still stand

That’s who I am!

It’s not about the race

It’s not about how fast I run

It’s finding out what’s inside

And who I can become

It’s all about letting go

And holding on

It’s about taking chances

And staying strong

This moment is mine

And I’m gonna take it

Today is a gift

And I will embrace it

I am strong

And I believe

That’s who I’m meant to be

Every step that I take

Is lifting me higher

Every corner I turn the future is brighter

I am brave enough to face the storm

And still stand

That’s who I am!

Another tender mercy

I just want to give a quick shout-out for yet another tender mercy of the Lord.

This morning, when I prayed, I could not think of one single thing I was grateful for. Actually, after a moment of silence, I think I said I was grateful for the fact that I woke up on time so I could try to express gratitude. Sad, right? I felt really bad for God while I was praying. So, I said, "God, I know I have much to be thankful for. I'm just blinded by the darkness right now. So, please, help me to recognize my blessings today and know that you are there."

By noon, I was able to say a prayer that was strictly gratitude :)

That's not why I'm writing. I'm writing because I just checked my email and received the best blessing of the day. Someone emailed me expressing love and concern, and sharing humor and spreading happiness. It was exactly what I needed. I can't even begin to describe how depressed I've been over the past week, especially over the weekend. You've probably picked up on it, but probably not the depth of it. So, if you're reading this, here is another thank you for your sweet, funny email. It made me cry because of the spirit I felt testifying that it was indeed a sign of God's love for me and that people do care, and it made me smile because it was just awesome.

The Lord is watching over us all. I hope we can all see Him and His little acts of love.

I am so grateful for the tender mercies of the Lord that let me know He is always there and always watching over me.


Ps, the thing that got me going today was my study on the Atonement and pain. It really gave me perspective and strength. Click here to read what I wrote about it.