Confidence in the Lord

There are so many things that are hard about being married to an addict. One of those things is figuring out what to do with your family. We are young and have one small child, but I've always dreamed of so much for our family. It took us a long time to get pregnant because of personal health issues but also consequences of addiction. This month marks five years of knowing about this other side to my husband. Five years of trying to figure out what to do. Five years of prayers, tears, heartbreak, and peace. Five years ago today, I had no idea what was in store. If I had to guess what my family would be like at this point, I would have guessed wrong. 

It's a tough balancing act to figure out how to manage the addiction in our lives as well as our marital and family relationships. Whether or not to have more kids has been weighing on my mind for months. I have so many fears and insecurities, but at the same time, I don't want to live with regrets. I would definitely regret not having more kids because I was waiting on him to find "solid recovery." I feel like we would miss out on a crucial part of our relationship, as well as spirits that could be in our family. 

People have asked me why I'm still here. Still married. Still waiting on him to get into full recovery. The simplest answer I can give to that is that God wants me here. The more complicated version is that 1) I still love him. 2) I still have hope for his recovery and the recovery of our family. 3) There is more good than bad, and I'm not willing to give up the good. 4) We have a child, and I want to do everything possible to make this work. 5) I have received my answer, and that answer is to stay. 

I know my choices don't make sense to a lot of people. But they make sense to me. I know I was led to this relationship. We had a difficult courtship, but I chose him. I chose to marry him for eternity, not knowing everything about him. Being married to an addict isn't pretty, but I'm not just married to an addict. I'm married to a man who loves me and loves our son. He is funny, smart, and helpful. We don't have the best communication, but we are working on it. He tries to be better every day, and he helps me be better too. We have come a long way with this one, but he is honest (yes, about his addiction). I can't see him as just an addict because he is so much more than that, and everything else about him is the person love. 

My life is a roller coaster, and there are definitely lows. Things are hard. But that's life. No one has the perfect marriage or family. We are just doing our best with what we are given. 

I mentioned in an earlier post that we have been trying to decide when is the right time to start trying to bring another child into our family. It's a tough decision. There are so many variables. And, honestly, I feel pressured by many people to not take that step until Ben is in full recovery and has a good bout of sobriety under his belt. That is important to me, but what is also important to me is having faith in God. Because things have been so difficult through our marriage, however, sometimes it's hard to have faith and trust in what I have received as personal revelation. I question everything. 

Today I studied this talk about choosing light. A couple of quotes stood out to me. 

"The adversary...will try to convince us that we have never felt the influence of the Spirit and that it will be easier just to stop trying."

"To ignore and discount past spiritual experiences will distance us from God. "

I really struggle with doubting my revelation. Especially my revelation to marry my husband--and everything that went along with that. So many times, I have doubted and discounted past spiritual experiences because I don't understand why I have been led to where I am. I let my fears take over, and I draw a wedge between God and myself. Reading this talk really helped open my eyes and pinpoint exactly what some of my problems are when it comes to revelation and fear. 

This week, we made the decision to start trying to bring another child into our family. It's been months in the making, and all along, I've just prayed and asked God to help me know when it is the right time. I've resisted thinking too much about this decision because I've been afraid. But this week, I really felt like the time is now. 

As I spoke to a friend about all of my fears regarding this decision (namely, am I being an enabler if he is still acting out but we are trying to have another child? or am I completely stupid to make this decision?), she told me that receiving revelation and pressing forward in faith is the most courageous thing I could do. 

All I really want is to have faith and courage. I know God sees all and comprehends way more than I can imagine in this life. The fears I have are valid, but so is my faith. 

So here I go, pressing forward and trusting God. I feel so much more peace than I have in months because I am no longer resisting or dwelling on fear. I am just trying to press forward doing His work and trying to keep to the path that goes back to Him. 

So many questions

Baby boy is ten months old.

For a long time, we had pretty much decided that discussion of the next child would not happen until he was at least nine months old. But I thought we were pretty much planning on discussing around nine months, but that we wouldn't actually even think about trying till he was at least a year old.

Then, about two months ago, Ben came to me and said he was ready. Which was shocking because he seemed to have a hard adjustment to parenthood and I figured that conversation would be a while away. I was not expecting to have to address the idea of future children for a while, and all the sudden it was here.

So, I've had a lot on my mind for the past little while.

The main question is whether or not it is irresponsible for us to bring another child into this world while my husband is not able to maintain solid recovery or sobriety.

But then that question is tough  because I know sobriety does not equal recovery. So the other question bugging me is can he be in recovery, or trying to be in recovery, while not maintaining very strong sobriety? And if he is trying to be in recovery but doesn't seem to be maintaining sobriety, does that make the answer to the first question different?

And then there is the fact that ever since Ben brought up the idea that he is ready to start trying for another child, IT WON'T LEAVE MY MIND. For the first while after he brought it up, I was like nope nope nope. I was not ready. But now that I've been dwelling on it a lot, I feel like I could be ready. Maybe not quite yet, but I can feel it coming. I can feel myself being prepared. But I don't know that our relationship is ready.

The biggest issue I have is that I don't want to bring any more children into this world and then end up a single mom, either because Ben left me or I left him because the addiction got out of hand. That is a very real possibility and fear. Right now, he is trying to maintain recovery and I know his heart is in the right place. But things have been so up and down for so long that I'm just terrified of making the wrong choice here.

I don't know if it's more selfish of me to not want to bring more kids into the world for fear that I might become a single mom in the future (although that really isn't the most likely outcome of our marriage), or if it's more selfish of me to bring more children into this world because I have always planned on having more than one. I want more kids. And I want to raise more children with Ben. And I want Baby to have siblings.

I've been reflecting on our dating process, mainly the thought and prayer I put into deciding to marry him. It was a big deal. I spent a lot of time on my knees begging for help because I wanted to make sure I made the right decision. And I chose him. I was led to him, and I chose him. That thought won't leave me. I feel like God keeps reminding me of that experience and telling me not to give up the faith.

I don't want to ever give that up. I don't want to give Ben up. I've committed my life to him, and I've made covenants with God regarding my marriage as well. I've always felt that my mission in this life is to be the best mother (and wife) I can possibly be. And now that my baby is ten months old, and I've had all these signs pointing me toward preparation for more children, I'm feeling so many things.

Actually, as I've been writing this, I feel like I've received my answer. Before I came downstairs to write this post, I poured out my heart to God describing all of this and more and asking for guidance on what to do here. And then I felt like I needed to come down and write. As I've been writing, I've felt that I definitely can't just not have more children.

When Christ called out to Peter to come to Him across the water, Peter walked on water. "But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying, Lord, save me. And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him, saying, O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?"

I know I'm supposed to have more kids. I've always known that. It's just that the addiction scares me. I don't want to be irresponsible. I want my kids to be safe. I want to be able to be present with my kids (and when I'm in trauma, it's so hard to be present).

Regarding our relationship, I've been trying to be more present and live in the moment. Be merciful when I need to be, and be strict with my boundaries when I need to be. But the process of bringing more children into this world is so vulnerable and sacred, that we both individually and our relationship has to be in a good place.

I feel impatient waiting for that to happen and fearful of the future. But I'm trying to just have faith and wait on the Lord's plan and timing.

The last thing that has been on my mind is questioning how to balance the question of bringing another child into this world with the addiction. Actually, it's kind of how to balance life with the addiction, you know? I don't like living in a way where the addiction consumes all of our life. I guess sometimes it has to, but maybe there are times when it's okay to put it on the backburner. I don't want to put my entire life on hold while I await this miraculous recovery. I think if I feel safe enough to take certain steps in my marriage, then that is good enough. But some days are just harder than others. So it's really hard to know what to do.

Sigh.

I know I need to pray and keep a spiritual mind and eternal perspective. But sometimes it's just hard and the natural man in me wants to take charge of everything. Finding balance and perspective while living this life is tricky.



**I'm not asking for advice with this post. Just processing my thoughts. Feel free to comment but please don't tell me what to do regarding our family decisions. Thanks <3

The brightest of lights

I have so much to say. So many thoughts rambling through my head, and I'm not quite sure how to express what is going on.

Two completely opposite emotions are raging inside me: joy and depression. I've written about my depression a little bit (last week), but I'm wanting to be more specific. I'll probably have to split this into multiple posts.

I'm experiencing a tremendous amount of joy. That's because I'm pregnant! And because my relationship with Ben is in a crazy high place and trust is flooding back in.

Now we can all cheer because, holy crap, I'm pregnant! 

I haven't written about it on this blog because now that my recovery and healing is mixed with my "real" life, I couldn't bring myself to discuss the matter here. Too much at stake. I've had a lot of fears about miscarrying, which would take a huge toll on both Ben and me in a lot of ways, and I didn't want everyone in that business. Some things just need to be my business for a time.

However, once I was able to bust through those fears, I decided I wanted to share this part of my story even though I'm only 10 weeks. Because this is huge. This is a significant part of our story, and I felt very strongly over the weekend that now is the time it needs to be shared.

I've written a little about my faith crisis. I'm still struggling, and I don't expect it to be resolved or go away very easily. That's okay because in reality, I'm finding that working through a faith crisis is a beautiful thing (or at least, I keep telling myself that). Anyway, when we found out I am pregnant, it came as a complete shock (and has provided some healing to parts of my faith crisis).

I mean, seriously. We reached a LOW this year. A major low. Divorce became an real option. Damage had been done, and there was much to work through and sort out. When I quit my job early and moved to Texas, it was on complete faith in God. I loved my job. I still miss it. But I felt that taking care of us and paving the way to healing, not only for us, but for our future family, was the most important thing we could do.

People knew of our situation. People knew we had also struggled with infertility. I was warned by a handful of people to be careful not to rush into baby-making when we were so fragile (I even experienced that advice after knowing I was pregnant, while no one else knew). I had that mindset of warning and care-taking. And I was careful, but I also followed the spirit.

When I had the idea that we needed to start over to heal our relationship, I know it was revelation from God. So we dated and took physical intimacy off the table for a while. We gradually worked our way to intimacy and were eventually led to a point where we both felt fairly safe. I knew we would not be divorcing any time soon (or ever...hopefully). Divorce was no longer on the radar. Family was. Family and healing became priority, and they seemed to come together. 

I took the matter to the Lord. After all, He had not let me down. And eventually (or quickly), I was pregnant.

It did come as a shock. After all this time, after all the battles we have faced, I was not anticipating this one being resolved so quickly and with no medical intervention. Tender mercy. God's timing.

Being pregnant has been really hard. I thought since my life has had so many challenges anyway, I deserved to have an easy pregnancy whenever it should eventually happen. That has not been the case. Pregnancy has not been easy, but that's okay. I've seen God's hand in all of this. And maybe that's why it's not easy. Because if I didn't have to pay attention to that kind of stuff, I wouldn't actually know what God was doing with my life.

For one thing, the timing on this is amazing. I mean, words cannot even express the joy both Ben and I feel with the fact that we are welcoming in a little one soon. That joy has brought us so much closer together, and the timing on that is perfect because we need this. We need this joy and this love we are experiencing after all the hell we have been through. Some people say that having a pregnancy and baby will cause more problems, and I know that is true in its own way. It will be hard. I am positive of that. But it's taking a positive emotional turn on our relationship, rather than a negative one.

Here's why:

Ben has been given countless opportunities to serve me. And, I just feel weak and pathetic because of how sick I am. It's been hard and kind of a shot at my ego and pride to have to lean on him for everything. But he does it, willingly and graciously. He listens to me complain about having no food to eat because I have thrown up most of my options. He does dishes. He holds me when I cry because it's so hard being so sick. He makes an effort to spend time with me when he is stressed about work and could be spending that time working. And he lets me eat all the ice cream.

I'm seeing the Ben I married emerge. The Ben who has been lost because of the addiction. The kind, gentle, selfless man who I was lucky enough to snag. The guy that every girl would be jealous to have because he is that great. That's the guy who is present in our marriage right now.

I'm learning to trust him again. I mean, I already trusted him enough to carry his child. But there are different kinds of healing of trust that needed to take place, and they are. They are.

While I'm sick and feel icky and gross much of the time, this pregnancy has provided much emotional healing. And I feel so grateful for it.

I know it's God's timing. I see it. I see it manifested in so many ways, and words cannot even express what that does for me.

I know I needed to leave Arkansas when I did. At the time, our relationship was only getting worse, and we needed to heal. Had I spent more time there, it would have gotten way worse--to what point, I'm not exactly sure. But I know it would have gotten worse, and the road to healing would have been much harder to bear. I know I would not be pregnant. And this joy we both feel, and the peace we are experiencing in our marriage right now, would be nonexistent. I know that. And that is how I know God has had His hand in all of this. The entire time. He knew exactly when we needed a child. He knew exactly what we needed to grow. Our trials are not over, but as I put my trust in God and see how perfect His plan is, it gets easier to trust Him all the more.

This is beautiful to me. The challenges Ben and I have faced have been horrible. Yet, from the darkness and horrors can emerge beauty. I'm keeping my eyes open to the beauty. I am trying to be find things to be grateful for every day, and I'm finding that my life is not at all what I imagined. It's better.

I know that sounds so cheesy and silly. And maybe to people who are in the thick of the hell the addiction brings, that may feel like, "Yeah, yeah, let's see how things are in a year. Maybe it won't feel so beautiful." And maybe that's true. But I have found that when I face the darkest of darks, I eventually experience the brightest of lights.

I have so much hope for the future. The addiction isn't resolved. It will always be a problem. But because of times like this, I can see the true potential of my eternal marriage, and I know that somehow, no matter what, things will be okay. [Even if it were to end in divorce some day. No matter what, I know God is guiding me.]


ANDDD I'll get to the rest of what I was going to write later. After writing about and reminding myself of all the joy, I no longer feel inclined to write about the depression. Plus, this post is pretty long anyway.

A Moment of Clarity

This morning as I was driving home from lap-swimming, I was caught in a very pleasant moment. That's a big deal because I feel like the past 3 weeks 3 months year has been full of highly unpleasant moments. Pain, depression, yada yada.

As I pondered in that moment, I thought about everything I have experienced with this trial. Well, not only the things I have experienced due to this trial, but this trial on top of everything else (medical issues, infertility, financial woes, etc). And then it all hit me.

I am grateful. 

Not the kind of grateful where I am "counting my blessings" looking for reasons to be grateful, but an actual gratitude for these trials. I was really grateful. I felt it deep in my soul.

But it's not that I'm grateful that my husband looks at porn or masturbates. Or that he lies and deceives. I had a moment of clarity where I saw my divine potential. I saw what I am accomplishing as I face this [torture]. I saw growth, beauty, and hope.

I realized I'm grateful that I was trusted with this trial. I honestly don't know what other trial could bring me to God in the ways this one has. Maybe any other trial could help me grow. I don't know. What I do know is this morning I had a feeling that this trial has been fitted for me. And I am being given divine strength every day. Even on days that I feel weak, ugly, and lost. I am still being given divine strength to make it through.

Then I remembered a priesthood blessing I received a few months ago. In that blessing, I was told that before I came to this earth, I saw the trials I would face, and I rejoiced because I knew they would be the only way I could draw close to God and come to live with Him again. \

I felt that in a moment of clarity this morning. And I'm sharing it with you so maybe you can feel some hope too. It doesn't make it any easier. And I know I'll still have plenty of bad days in the future. But for now, I'm just grateful for what I'm learning and becoming.