I haven't forgiven him

I've been thinking a lot.
I don't even know if my words can adequately describe what has been on my mind and heart. It's been two months since I last wrote here, and, well, that's a lot of thoughts.

I'll try to stick to what prompted me to come to my computer and write, and we will see where it goes from there.

We have been married for almost five and a half years. I've known about the addiction for almost five. It's been a long road, and anticipate a much longer road ahead. Because I don't anticipate divorce (although I do keep it in the back burner for protection).

For much of our marriage, I've tried to be Christlike. In how I've treated Ben, in how I've treated others, in how I've sought revelation. I've tried to forgive. I've tried to be merciful and loving. And yet, sometimes I still feel this gaping hole in my soul. And that is what I have been thinking about.

I haven't forgiven him. I think I did at one point. I forgave and tried to move on. I try to live in the present and seek guidance from the Lord with each situation. But as more came out in our marriage, it became harder to forgive.

I hoped when our son was born that it could be a fresh start for our family. In some ways, it has been. The past year has been beautiful and amazing. But it's also been heartbreaking and hard. I definitely wouldn't change a thing (well, except the addiction. that can go away)--meaning I don't wish I was divorced or something because I love my little family.

But two years ago, this month, Ben confessed some things to me. Things that he thought would be deal breakers. Things he thought would finally break me and make me file for divorce. He did it because he was coming clean and trying to enter real recovery for the first time ever. I admire him for that, and I am so grateful he started that journey. Things have been up and down over the past two years. He started doing really well then things spiraled down again. It's just tough to keep chugging along sometimes.

And my point of all of this is that I recently realized I haven't forgiven him. I keep thinking maybe I have, but I haven't. And I don't know how. Which is extremely discouraging because I know that our relationship can't be healed or whole, and I can't be whole, until I forgive him. I'm not trying to rush that (okay, maybe a little because it's starting to stress me out). I don't know how to forgive, and I feel like it's taking so much effort and energy.

I want to continue on with our life. I want to trust and forgive him. I want to have more kids, and I want our lives to become this magical place where I can look back and say, "The road was rough, but we made it." I think we are on that road, and maybe we will get to that place one day. But dangit, I'm tired of being patient on the journey. I just want to get there already.

I don't really know what's in store. But I'm trying really hard to work on me and take things one day at a time. I'm trying to seek God's will and have hope and faith in His plan for me. He can see all, and I can only see right now.

I wish there was a recipe for forgiveness. But, alas, there is not. I think I'm holding on to it because somewhere in my brain I think forgiveness is synonymous with trust. I know it's not, but there must be part of me that thinks that because I think I'm unable to forgive as I'm using it as some kind of protection. I'm trying to learn how to let that go so I can move on and be made whole.

"Advice to My Younger Self"

In December, I had the opportunity to participate in a video project put on by the LDS Church. I flew to Salt Lake City, and with other amazing, strong women, I was recorded reading a letter with "Advice to My Younger Self"--what I wish I knew when I first found out about the addiction, my perspective now.

Being there with these amazing women was incredible. I felt so blessed in numerous ways to have this opportunity. The Spirit was strong, and I knew I was a part of something special.

The videos are posted on the Church's addiction recovery website.

Here is the link to my letter in print.

Here is the link to my video.

Here is the compiled video (snippets from everyone's videos). It's simply beautiful.

I'd encourage you to check out all the videos. Each person has unique perspective because of their own situations. There are even videos for parents of addicts.

This project was to provide another resource for people just finding out about the addiction. It's helped strengthen me, and I've been on this road for four years. I KNOW it will be a strength to those new to this. Please share

Addiction, Forgiveness, and the Atonement--Another Woman's Story

A friend posted a link with the following story onto my timeline on Facebook. It is so powerful, and I feel like I have to share it.

I hope you get as much hope and peace from this story as I did.

Story came from here.

Name Withheld
When my husband and I were dating, he decided he had to tell me about his addiction to pornography. He was clearly embarrassed and repentant, and had been "sober" for some time. I was surprised but felt honored that he trusted me with this secret. If anything, I loved him more after that. This was a battle we were going to fight together. It was his past and we'd have to fight it, but we'd be fine. I wasn't so naive to think that it wouldn't cause strain in our relationship, but I didn't anticipate the heartache, anger, self doubt, and betrayal.

From MormonWoman.org

His sobriety lasted through our dating, engagement, and first three months or so of marriage. When he then admitted he had viewed pornography, I was felt so stupid. How did I not know what was happening in my own home? Was I not enough? I plunged into feelings of worthlessness.

I remember thinking, "He's such a good man. How can he do such a disgusting thing? He loves me. How can he do something so hurtful? Does he really love me?" I felt very alone. I respected the fact this was his secret to keep or share, but that left me with nobody to talk to. I was so hurt that I used anger to cope with the sorrow.

All of those feelings were mixed up with gratitude that he came to me with the truth and that he knew he was wrong. I was heartbroken that right when I needed comfort the most, I couldn't ask the man who stood at my side for a blessing of comfort. He was not worthy to use the Lord's priesthood. He knew it, and I could see how ashamed and sorrowful he was.

He couldn't give me a blessing, and because of the personal nature of the situation, I couldn't go to another priesthood holder. So I went before the Lord on my own. I read a book about Christ and the atonement called The Peacegiver. I spent time in prayer and meditation. Relief didn't come all at once, but I was given little assurances that we'd be able to overcome.

Things got better, and things got worse. We'd have months of sobriety between views. Each time he fell, I had to work through the same emotions and thoughts. Every time was a little different, but every time I needed my Savior to heal my broken heart.

We learned that high-stress situations sometimes triggered the temptation. We also learned that sometimes the temptation would come without a discernible trigger. I found the sooner he admitted to a fall, the easier it was to recover for both of us. If I asked him to report in every so often, it gave him the chance to feel safe to be open.

I made a few mistakes that I learned from. I learned that faking trust or forgiveness prolongs the process. Pretending everything was okay, telling my husband I forgave him when I hadn't yet, just made the pain fester and anger grow.

I had to be careful to focus on what I could control. I couldn't make him go to the bishop, make him attend a support group, or put enough protection on our technology to keep pornography unavailable. I could control if I was honest with myself and my husband about my feelings.

I could control my focus. I could focus on my husband's honesty and other good qualities. I could focus on the Savior and Heavenly Father. I could control my self talk. I didn't need to take blame, but could instead acknowledge that my husband has his agency and made the choice to sin on his own.

I also chose to study about the effects of pornography. I learned how the brain is rewired through the viewing of pornography. I learned how it really had little to do with physical needs, and more to do with a chemical in the brain, much like a drug addiction. No matter what I did, that rewiring could not be fixed.

I learned that the average Utah child sees pornography by age eight, according to one statistic. I came to appreciate what my husband was up against. Don't misunderstand: he still had his agency, he still had to take the blame for his actions. However, I came to realize he was fighting a battle that had nothing to do with my ability to be a good wife, friend, and support.

A huge low in our marriage was shortly after our first son was born. My husband had graduated and couldn't find work. I was working full time, and he was home with our baby. We were living in a rather dark basement with flooring that was in such disrepair that we laid blankets on the floors so we could set our infant down.

I loved my job, but it was stressful by nature, and the stress was compounded by leaving my baby. My husband felt useless, being unable to provide for us, and he fell into despair. That's when he hit a rut where he was giving into temptation regularly. I had to rely on the Lord more than ever.

One evening, after a particularly rough confession, I wanted space, but with such a little apartment there were not many options. I stood in the little hallway and tried to come up with a way to get that needed space.

I could control my focus. I could focus on the Savior and Heavenly Father.

I thought about asking him to go to his parents for a couple days, but who would watch my son while I worked? I thought about sending my son up with him to be watched by my mother-in-law, but the baby was still nursing and I didn't want space from him. I was at a loss, so I went to the bedroom and kneeled on the mat on the floor that served as our bed.

I opened my heart to the Lord like I had never done before. I prayed out loud, knowing I needed to get through. I needed my Heavenly Father to hear me. I sobbed and begged for His help. What surprised me, however, were the words coming from my mouth. I was not praying for me, but for my husband.

"Forgive him, Father. Please forgive him," I pleaded. I prayed for our home, for our son and for our marriage. I was overcome with the knowledge that God loves my husband. After that heartfelt prayer, I no longer wanted to send my husband away.

Things didn't change quickly. That rut lasted for a while longer. When our living situation changed (he got a job, I quit mine, and we moved into a much better apartment) my husband was able to avoid temptation for some time. When he did fall again, he was scared. Without a trigger to blame his fall on, he knew that he was never going to overcome on his own.

He made a plan and woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me he was making changes. After three years of marriage and ups and downs, I knew this day was a crucial one. He went to our new bishop and met with him regularly. He started attending the support group offered by the Church and even got the information for a support group for me.

That group was my haven. The lessons I learned from studying the manual were inspiring. I was filled with hope and joy. I saw that I wasn't alone. Other women were using the atonement to become whole. I saw my husband grow from attending his group too.

Through the whole experience I have learned about the atonement. I testify that Jesus Christ felt the pain that I go through. He understands the betrayal and he paid the price for the sins. He already paid the price, so I can accept his healing. He can bind up my broken heart.

From LDS.org

I'm blessed to have a repentant husband, but I now know that Christ's healing of my heart is completely independent of my husband's actions. The atonement is for the sinner, but it is also for the sinned against.

Forgiving my husband is my way of telling the Lord that his sacrifice was sufficient. It's my way to say, I trust that Christ can heal the aching holes and conquer the gnawing anger inside me. It takes me time to forgive my husband each time he hurts me, but I know I can because of the atonement of Christ.

There were moments where I was in a despair that I believed I would never be happy again. Through the atonement's healing power, my happiness was restored.

I testify that I am a daughter of Heavenly Father. I am beautiful and of worth. I love my husband. I am grateful for his honesty five years ago. I'm grateful for our four years of marriage, and I will continue to do my part to make it a celestial eternal marriage.

I testify of Christ. He gives me hope. He lives and loves my children, my husband, and me. Because of Him, we have joy.

Beautiful Heartbreak

I have so much hope and so much peace. I'm grateful for the strength that my Savior has given me this week especially, but throughout all my trials. Sometimes I can't even begin to think I'll make it to the next week, month, or even year. But I do. It's because I turn to Him and He lifts me up.

I want to share a song. It's one of my favorite recovery songs. I can't watch the video without crying (I'm emotionally high-strung these days), but that's okay. It's a peaceful, grateful cry. I hope you watch it because the video is powerful and amazing.

Beautiful Heartbreak--by Hilary Weeks

The first time I really listened to these lyrics, I was wowed. I already owned this song because I loved it when it first came out, and my dad got me the CD for Christmas. But, when I really listened, it put my whole life, all my trials in perspective for me.

When I got married, I had a plan. I had a map of my life, and I knew exactly where I wanted to go (I think we all got married with a life envisioned that was not quite God's plan). The plan was changed when I found a mountain (addiction, infertility, depression) in the middle of my road. I thought there was no way to get over it, so I tried to find a  way around it. Alas, I had to make the terrible climb. When I got to the top, my breath was taken away. The view was beautiful! Actually, I know I haven't made it to the top, but my pit-stops along the way are beautiful. I can't wait to get to the top where I will find that "every fear, every doubt, all the pain I went through was the price that I paid to see this view. And now that I'm here I would never trade the grace that I feel and the faith that I find through the bitter-sweet tears and the sleepless nights. I used to pray He'd take it all away, but instead it became a beautiful heartbreak."

That's how I feel today. I've experienced so much. We all have. Even with this same addiction, each of us has different experiences, and I imagine that I'm not the only one whose plan went a little crazy. I've made friends through this blog who experience similar emotions, but their trial is a little different. The one thing we all have in common is a Savior who loves us, and we are on a journey to find Him.

When I first learned about the addiction, my heart was torn in pieces. There went my plan! I didn't know what to do, and I certainly wasn't sure how I could forgive him for ruining my life. As I've drawn closer to the Savior, I've found forgiveness coming more naturally. Actually, last night was a perfect example.

Last night, we went out to dinner to celebrate Jack's birthday (he feels old, and he is a little stressed about the fact that he is a geezer and doesn't have kids yet. Really, though? He's only 27. It's going to be okay :D). This week has pretty much been all about me: my pain, my sadness, my lashing out at him because he is my punching bag sometimes (I know--not nice of me). I wanted to talk about him. I felt like I should ask him how the addiction stuff was this week while I was emotionally unstable. Annnnnd...there was a little slip-up one night. I could tell by the way he was cautiously telling me what happened that he was afraid of the anger that had the potential to come up and possibly be embarrassing at the restaurant. However, I was not angry. Not even a little bit. In fact, I was grateful that he didn't tell me on Tuesday when it happened because I probably could not have handled that along with my hormones this week (remember what my PMS stands for?). Lately, when he has told me about his slip-ups, I've felt almost immediate forgiveness. Granted, there are times when I hold a little grudge. That doesn't happen very often, though, and I know I need to forgive. I really try hard to be forgiving. After all, he is working so hard (I think). He is trying to rid himself of this addiction, and I know there will be mess-ups. My realistic expectations are that he tells me when he messes up, he tells me about his temptations, and that I can see growth (usually through remorse and dedication to Christ).

I've been very protected and strengthened by peace this week. Last night when he told me about his slip-up, I felt immediate forgiveness. I felt peace, and I felt free of the emotions that I would have experienced two years ago. I could tell Jack was remorseful. He also expressed his concern with not telling me right away and how he didn't know which would be worse: to tell me while I was struggling with the pregnancy thing or not to tell me until I was more in control. He made the right choice in this scenario.

I've been thinking a lot about forgiveness today because of what I read in the Love Dare: Love Forgives.
I'll admit, I was a little tempted to skip this one. The chapters lately have been things that either don't apply or I'm already doing. I'm already forgiving, so skip it, right? Not really. I learned a lot about forgiveness today. Really, I can see the progress I'm making, and it makes me so happy!

The author relates unforgiveness to a prison. When we don't forgive, we imprison and torture ourselves. My freedom--my emotional freedom and freedom from co-dependence--is dependent on my ability to forgive. That totally makes sense to me, and I hadn't really thought of it in quite that way before.

The other thing I learned about forgiveness is that ultimately, forgiveness clears us from worrying about how to punish the person who wronged us (and that is kind of a prison too). When we forgive, we aren't turning them loose, necessarily, we are just turning the situation over to God. Isn't that amazing? Forgiveness allows me to have peace and be free of the prison. It allows me to turn it over to God. And it takes away my responsibility to do anything other than love.

So many things are clicking for me right now. I'm still struggling with my trials, but I'm finding peace and strength, and it's balancing out the pain. I'm grateful I can look back over the mountain and see the glory and beauty of what I have traveled. I'm grateful for my Savior who stands by my side. I'm grateful for the ability I have to forgive and cope in healthy ways. I've come a really long way. I'm excited for what life will continue to bring me!

Cleaning the Wreckage

"Step 8 was an opportunity to make a plan to clean up the wreckage and rebuild all that could be saved" (p 47, ARP Guidebook). 

Credit

Step 8 provides us with the opportunity to seek forgiveness for past wrongs. It's a follow-up from the inventory, confession, willingness to turn ourselves over to God, and the humble preparation of asking God to remove our shortcomings. In step 8, we become willing to make restitution to all persons we have harmed.

It sounds intense. It sounds scary. But, fear not! There is no reason to fear. We have God on our side, and seeking repentance is crucial to our coming back to Him. We may feel at first that we have no need to repent--that we are the victim here, and others need to ask us for forgiveness. We've all been there. BUT, we may have been so caught up and focused on others around us (and their wrongs) because of our situations that we may have forgotten to keep ourselves in check too.

Because of my husband's addiction, I became really self-conscious. You know how teenagers are in that egocentric stage where they think everyone is looking at them, talking about them, whispering behind their backs?  Well, I hate to say it, but  I fell back into teenager mode. Because I always wondered if he was looking at me, wanting me, loving me, I began to question many other people around me. I started questioning everyone' motives and trusting very few people, or only halfway trusting most people.

I hurt some people. Because I was angry and distrusting, I hurt people without even meaning to. Here's an example:

We had some friends in our ward who stopped returning our phone calls. Every time we invited them to spend time with us, they had an excuse not to or didn't even call us back. Eventually, we called them less and less until we stopped trying to hang out with them altogether. I thought, well, they must not really like us. They must not want to be our friends. If they wanted to be our friends, they would put forth the effort of trying to spend time with us. Or they would tell us that they really do want to spend time with us, but it's just a bad time right now. We used to sit by them at church because we were among the few couples in our ward without children. Eventually, we sat by them less and less until we stopped sitting by them at church. We stopped talking to them. Saying hi in the hallway was awkward.

Months later, I finally talked to the wife and asked what happened. I missed them, and I had no idea what happened with our relationship. Also, we were moving soon, and I didn't want to move with hard feelings. Basically, they had been really hurt that we slowly stopped calling or sitting by them at church. I'm sure whatever their reasons were for not returning our calls or never wanting to hang out with us was valid. They didn't want to lose our friendship, though. My egocentrism, however, cost us a valuable friendship in that ward.

I know of more people who were hurt by my actions during the really hard time with my husband. Because I couldn't make him perfect, I expected perfection from myself and others around me. I was impatient and irritable at meaningless things. I had angry, negative thoughts about many people. I possibly even hurt more people than I know...

I've created wreckage, my friends! I've created wreckage in my friendships, in my relationship with my husband, and with myself.

I still create wreckage, and I know I will continue to create wreckage. That is why the Atonement is so beautiful. I can create wreckage and seek forgiveness for it. I can mess up and make mistakes, but as I humble myself and come to God with an honest, sincere heart, it can be healed. It can be made right through the Atonement.

Step 8 says, "Before we could rebuild relationships, we needed to identify the relationships that were damaged." So, I made a list of everyone I had harmed. I wrote about the situations. However, I discovered (as the guidebook says) that I "could not list these people without being distracted by feelings of resentment toward those who had harmed [me]" (p 47). I was able to pray to Heavenly Father and explain my feelings. I could confess everything to Him and seek His guidance as I sought for peace and healing. I studied the parable of the man who was forgiven his debts but needed to forgive others. I started understanding the miracle of the Atonement better than ever before.

Along with my list of people to seek forgiveness, I made a list of people whom I needed to forgive. Some names were on both lists. "People often get caught in terrible cycles of exchanging hurts with others. to break these cycles of mutual resentment, someone has to be willing to forgive" (p 47). I've seen that happening in my marriage, along with other relationships as well.

Writing became a great tool for me to sort out my feelings and experiences so I could figure out what exactly was going on in my head. During this process, I prayed for the desire to forgive. I prayed for forgiveness. I practiced praying for others' welfare. I prayed for those I had a hard time liking. I prayed for those I didn't understand. As I gained compassion, I was able to identify more relationships that needed healing.

When I experienced this step for the first time, I had many relationships that needed healing. I had much healing to experience in general. I still have much healing that needs to take place, but as I read through and practice this step, I can see a pattern to the relationships that need healing. Most of the people who I need to seek forgiveness from are very close to me. Those instances deal mostly with my impatience.

As I've written in the past, I made so much progress when I journeyed through the 12 steps the first time. That progress stuck with me. One of the maintenance steps (the steps that help you maintain your new, spiritually-minded way of life), step 10 is about daily accountability. I did step 10 almost a year ago. Since then, I have been pretty good at keeping myself accountable and promptly admitting my wrongs. I have been fairly good at seeking forgiveness (not perfect). I don't have as many relationships that need healing as I did the first time.

I'm still cleaning up wreckage. There is always wreckage to clean up, for both me and my husband. I'm so grateful for this process. I know without the 12 steps, I would be lost. I wouldn't know where to turn, and I would not know how to deal with things. Part of step 8 is forgiving others, but I'm glad the focus is on seeking forgiveness. I'm glad I know I need to forgive myself. I'm glad I have this road to walk with Christ.

I'm also grateful for the understanding I have reached. I am a victim. But, in some ways, so is my husband. He is a victim of himself. Satan. society. me. The 12 steps have helped me heal, gain perspective, and become more Christlike. Hopefully, my husband won't be a victim of my wrath for much longer. I know eventually, I will find better ways to handle everything than by lashing out. 

I'm grateful for the 12 steps. I'm grateful for the journey. I'm grateful for my knowledge.

I'm grateful I have the Atonement to help me clean up the wreckage. 

Let's Get Those Work Boots On

"Before our recovery, our addictive [insert angry or other weaknesses/sufferings as a result of your loved one's addiction] lifestyles were like a tornado full of destructive energy that cut through our relationships, leaving much wreckage behind" (Step 8).

Credit

Anger is what I have struggled with the most as a result of my husband's addiction. I have also suffered from anxiety and depression, but those both lead to anger too. 

My anger, left unchecked, has harmed relationships and could potentially destroy relationships. I'm not even just talking about my relationship with my husband. I have been so angry at everything that I take it out on innocent bystanders. My mom doesn't know what is going on, but I have taken out my anger on her when she does things that get on my nerves. I really try not to, but it happens. The same thing happens with one of my sisters. And with a handful of other people. When I'm already mad, little annoying habits from everyone get to me, and I take my anger/irritation out on them too. At least it's not happened to them at full force like it has with my husband...

In the couple of years since I originally found out about his addiction and started my own healing and recovery process, I have grown tremendously. I've learned that I have blamed my husband for my character weaknesses when he is really not to blame. My weaknesses are my weaknesses, and they always have been. Maybe the situation has made me feel like I am seeing my weaknesses through a magnifying glass, but they have always been there, and they have always been mine.

Once upon a time, I blamed it all on him. He was the addict, and I was perfect. Everything was his fault. Now, I can see that this situation in my life has been a gift from God to help me see my weaknesses and choose to make them stronger.Or choose to do nothing.

I don't have to make my weaknesses stronger. But I want to. 

A few months ago, I wrote a post about who I want to be. I want to make myself stronger because I have a goal in mind as to who I want to become. At that point in my life, I saw potential. I knew who I could become. I saw that girl inside my, dying to come out. Today, I see even more potential. I've grown so much more in the past few months since I wrote that. I have so much I want to be. I have so much I want to do.  I can't do or become anything without making my weaknesses stronger. 

I can't be a disciple of Christ if I don't lean on Him and try to emulate his character. 

I can't be a giver if I remain selfish.

I can't be a lover of life if I stay mad at the world. 

I can't jump at every opportunity, take chances, or have no fear if I am constantly battling anxiety and letting that anxiety keep me from taking opportunities. 

I can't be head over heels in love if I refuse to forgive, hold grudges, and keep bringing up past mistakes.

I've accomplished a lot already. We all have. All of us, you reading this, you have accomplished a lot. Whatever your struggles are or have been, you've made it through. Or you're making it through.

I'm ready to take the next step. Are you?

I have already turned to the Lord to help me get my life back in order.

I have believed that the power of God can restore me to complete spiritual health. That belief has grown to a knowledge of His power. I know He can restore me to complete spiritual health. If I let Him.

I have already made the decision to turn my life over to the care of God.

I have fearlessly inventoried my life. I have pinpointed the good and the bad. I made made a commitment to become better.

I have confessed what has needed to be confessed.

I have turned my life and will over to God. I have become ready for Him to remove my weaknesses.

I have humbly asked Him for help removing those weaknesses.

The next step I will take is to seek forgiveness. I need to become willing to make restitution to all persons I have harmed. I will prayerfully seek out the Lord's help in making restitution.

Before my recovery (and during),  my angry lifestyle was (has been) like a tornado full of destructive energy that cut through many relationships. It has left a lot of wreckage behind. It's time for me to clean up what I can. 

As I seek forgiveness, I will continue to recognize and ask God to remove my weaknesses. As I make my weaknesses stronger (such as impatience, easy irritation, anger, etc), I will be more likely to control myself rather than lashing out and hurting others, thus lessening the impact of the angry tornado in the future.

I'm really not a horrible person. I'm just really hard on myself sometimes, especially lately. I know I will need to forgive myself too and lighten up. It comes and goes. Haha.

Whelp, let's get those work boots on (please read in the best Southern drawl your brain can come up with :)).