One Contraction at a Time

Somewhere down the line, I started believing I couldn't do hard things. I can't pinpoint at what point I came to believe that way of thinking, but I have a few ideas of how it got there. It's most likely because I'm tired. I'm just tired and overrun by fears. I'm learning how to acknowledge the fears in my heart and then release them rather than allow them to build up and cause tension and pain.

At my birth class this week, the instructor noticed Ben and me giggling a lot during the part about medical interventions. We weren't meaning to be disrespectful; we were just giggling because of all the fears I have about my body's potential response to certain medical interventions during birth (along with my fears of pain).

During a break, she came to talk to us about our thoughts on the medical interventions and if I knew what I wanted to do regarding birth (at our first class, we had to state our goals for the class. My main goal was to determine whether or not I wanted to go natural or receive medication). During the conversation that followed, I confided in her that I really want to go natural but am simply afraid of the pain.

Some people tell me I have a high pain tolerance. That may be true, or it may have been true at one point, but I'm just really not sure. All I know is the pain is exhausting. I've dealt with so much pain, both physically and emotionally, and I'm just not sure how much more I can handle.

When I told the instructor I'm afraid of the pain, she turned to Ben and said, "Do you know what to say to that? You tell her she can do it. And you practice the techniques we have been and will be learning about coping with labor." She reminded me I have to take it one contraction at a time, I have to remember to breathe, and I have to think I can do this.

Note to self: remember the pain cycle.

This week, I've been practicing telling myself I can do hard things. I'm trying to really internalize and believe it.

I've had quite a few triggers regarding the addiction this week. Those triggers have brought me pain because I've allowed myself to dwell on fears and think what if I can't do this for very much longer? I've had thoughts and fears running so deep that I'm entirely unsure of myself and my state of mind. Then this morning, I started working step 4 in Healing Through Christ, and I became a bit overwhelmed at the prospect of the inventory [again.].

Over the past year, I've had tremendous stretching opportunities. That's probably why I'm so tired. Just in the past couple of months, I've had multiple opportunities to look outside myself and my personal bubble and serve others. That is also exhausting (or at least it seems to be for me). Some days, I just question everything and wonder what exactly I am doing. And then when there are super triggery weeks like this one, I wonder if I have the strength to keep going. I wonder if I should just start shutting the world out again and focus on me.

But no, I can't just focus on me. I love the joy that has come from the stretching and service-giving of this year. And I also know deep down that I can do anything if I lean on the Savior for support.

When I fear the pain, I have to remember to take life one contraction...er, I mean one day or one moment...at a time. I have to remember to breathe. And I have to remind myself that I can do hard things. Because I can. I've made it through every hard thing that has come my way. It's all about perspective.

The Refiner's Fire

Watch this great video.

I have so many thoughts, but I'll spare you [most of] mine and let you ponder the meaning of this message for yourself. The only thing I really feel the need to say is that it reminded me of something someone said at group on Sunday:

During the sharing portion of the meeting, a woman sitting by me said she is realizing that one of the ways our trials brings us closer to Christ is because our trials allow us to succor others. Alma 7:12 states that Christ took upon Himself all of our infirmities so He would know how to succor us in our trials. What better way to come unto Christ than to feel the pain of our sufferings and to be able to use that pain to lift others up just as Christ does? 

Trials are hard, but they are necessary for the refining that can shape us into people of Christ. With every trial, we have a choice. We can choose to draw away from or closer to Christ. Sometimes, out of bitterness and anger, I choose to step away. But I almost always turn that around and move towards Christ. I know He is my salvation, and I know that only through Him will I find peace in this life. 

Trials are necessary to helping us discover the best traits within ourselves. All the good in my life has come from all the hard I've faced in my trials. As much as I sometimes wish my trials away, I don't ever truly with them away because I know with every trial I face I am being shaped into someone better.

Understanding the Addict Perspective

God has given me countless experiences that have helped me understand things a little more from "the addict perspective." All in all, I'm grateful for every experience even though they sometimes just irritate the heck out of me. Sometimes I don't want to be compassionate: I want him to be compassionate and understanding and just stop it already. I know that can't be, and besides, I know that is way easier said than done.

So, in the end, I am grateful for the experiences God has given me that have helped me understand Ben's perspective a little more. They have helped me develop higher levels of compassion, patience, and humility--three strong elements necessary for working through this addiction together.

One of these experiences happened over the weekend. I started getting depressed about the addiction and infertility. I didn't want to open up to Ben about it because I was embarrassed about fretting over certain things (not that he isn't a complete angel when I'm caught up in my depression). And I seriously did not want to open up to God about it. I felt like He has to be tired of hearing me whine and complain about my trials. I know I will get pregnant when the timing is right, so it's pointless to keep complaining. I also know I can turn to Him and be healed from this pain I feel (regarding every trial I'm currently facing). The thing is, I just don't want to. I want to overcome this on my own. I want to be independent. I want to be strong enough on my own that I can conquer Satan and his demons bringing me down. I want to be the all-powerful Kilee. I just want to do this by myself. I don't like depending on others.

Sound familiar?

Sounds like what I have heard from my addict-spouse.

When I really sit down and think about it, I know all of that is ridiculous. I don't need to be embarrassed of the things that hurt me. And Heavenly Father is certainly not tired of hearing me cry out for comfort and healing. I know I will get pregnant when the timing is right, but I also know that if I keep leaning on the Atonement, I will be blessed in so many ways and have strength to face all of this: my physical medical issues, my depression, my husband's addiction, and my infertility. I know that as I give up my pride and focus on humility, I will grow in so many ways, I will be blessed tremendously, and I will experience peace and joy in the midst of my trials. My life will go on happily, and I will be able to work through these things.

When my husband sits down and thinks about it, he can also (sometimes/most-times) see the ridiculousness of his thought-patterns and actions. He knows what he needs to do, but it's a lot harder to follow through than just think about it.

The natural man is an enemy to God. The natural man craves independence, strength, and power. Those cravings are some of the ways Satan tempts me. When I get caught up in my pride, it's easy for him to creep in and bring me down. And naturally, everything feels worse.

Same goes for the addicts. They also want independence, strength, and power. They want to master this on their own.

I'm seeing Ben slowly turn to Christ. He is doing so more and more, slowly but surely. It's hard to see the changes, have the positive conversations, and know he knows what to do, but have everything happen so slowly. I get impatient, and when I get impatient, I tend to get angry. And then my spiral of depression comes and that is a whole other story.

My point is that God is giving me little moments where I get a glimpse of understanding of what it is like on the addict side because many of the things Ben faces, I face as well--just in a different way. I'm grateful for those little experiences because they do help me with compassion, patience, and humility. When I have the proper perspective, things work a lot better in our relationship. And that is ultimately what I want: a joyful relationship.

Hell-Week's Disguised Blessings

Yesterday (well, this whole week) was impossibly long and hard. Thursday night/yesterday were my time to crash and burn. I almost cried at school. Luckily, it was during my favorite class (my catering class-nine students), and they are so amazing in there. I mean, it was a very awkward moment, but I just told them it wasn't them, it was me, and I was simply having a rough day. They love me, and they held me up. Then the rest of the day (I have one of those students three class periods in a row, and four others of those students two class periods in a row), they let everyone who was even remotely rude to me know that I was having a bad day and to knock it off. The rest of the day, all of my students were very protective of my emotional state. They fed me with compliments--telling me that I'm a great teacher, they love me, and that I'm beautiful. It was so amazing to feel that power and love around me. As a high school teacher.

I'm supposed to be in Branson this weekend. My friends are having a girls' weekend without me. That's a story in itself, and all I'll say is I had too much work to do, so I chose not to go as an act of self-care. Going was supposed to be self-care, but with progress reports going out Monday (and how backed up I am in grading and other things with school), the idea of going became pure stress. I decided to stay home so I could get as much as I can done because next week might be hell-week at school. I have so much to do. Plus I woke up feeling sick yesterday and worse today, so I'm glad I can just lay in bed doing my school-work and not be walking around outlet malls in the cold.

Last night I was at school until seven. SEVEN! On a Friday. Did I mention I got to school around 7:10 am? Right when I was feeling sorry for myself (around 5:15) two of my favorite students came in to say hi. They were setting up for the cheer competition today, and decided to take a break and see if I was still there...What kinds of students would expect a teacher to still be at school on Friday at 5:15? Inspired ones. Actually, they wanted some cookies that they were supposed to come get after school but forgot about. Nevertheless, I felt very blessed that they came to visit me and chat for a bit, and I do think it was inspired. About an hour later, a couple more students came to borrow my vacuum to vacuum turf off of something as they were setting up for the competition. These are my two funniest students (and I can never get enough laughs in, especially when I'm depressed that it's 6:15 on a Friday night, and I'm still at school), and it was another little blessing that I knew was from God.

I have stress hives. Not to mention the pain in my back, neck, and feet, which are constant. I wanted to do some form of exercise today, but I'm sick. So, I'll just lay here and do school stuff while I'm wrapped in blankets trying to keep warm. Things could look really down, but I know I'm so blessed. Throughout this entire week, which has had incredible highs and lows (Seriously. Insane amounts of tears, but insane amounts of joy too), I have been blessed. I'm sure later today I will get depressed again, but I'm just grateful for the moments of clarity I have when I know I'm extremely blessed.

Last night, we had pizza for dinner, made a fort with my 13-year old sister, and watched a movie with her. Today I might paint (hopefully...it would be amazing if I could paint!), and I'll for sure do some ADDO and study my scriptures.

It's actually a tender mercy that I had so much to do that I couldn't go to Branson. I am getting some necessary time for myself. Everything I had to do was too much to do after coming home from Branson, but it's not so much that it's taking up my whole weekend. Well, actually, it was, but I crossed some stuff off my list. I'm simplifying for myself. Kind of like how I chose not to grade some assignments because it was too overwhelming. Anyway, right now I'm supposed to be at a Stake Leadership Training for Young Women's, but I skipped it for self-care. And I think God understands that. When I prayed about what to cross off my weekend, I felt very strongly that I need to take care of myself this weekend. What a blessing.

God sees me. He knows me. He knows exactly what to do for me. And I have the Atonement to lean on.

Christ has felt pains, afflictions, and temptations of every kind (Alma 7:11). That means this kind. The kind I feel when I'm severely depressed. The kind I feel when I'm struggling with the responsibilities I have at school. The kind I feel when I'm stuck with the addiction in my life. The kind I feel because I'm not wearing my wedding ring, and the kind I feel when I put the ring back on.

He has taken all of our infirmities (physical and mental weaknesses) upon Himself (Alma 7:12). Because of that, He is filled with mercy, and He knows exactly what we need to be lifted up. He knows because He has felt it. He knows when I need merciful students to feed me with love and compliments. He knows when I need my husband to buy my favorite pizza and decide we're making a fort and watching a movie. He knows when I need my sweet sisters to make me laugh. He knows when I need my principal to email me telling me how great of a job I'm doing and that my work doesn't go unnoticed. He knows when I need my young women's president to ask me how my week is going and expect an honest answer (there is another person I opened up to about the addiction this week :) woot!). He knows when I need students to come talk to me about their own trials. It gives me perspective, and it also shows me that I am in the right place right now and am making a difference for them. I love my students. He knows when to prompt me to cut down and give me peace about cutting down on things in my life. He knows when to give me moments of peace and clarity. This list could go on.

He sees me. He knows me. He is always there for me. And, even though I know that, sometimes I still get a little mad and prideful because things are so hard.

But He is always there waiting for me with open arms. In the meantime, He sends angels to help lift me up.

I am important!

Things have been going really great lately. So, this morning when I was overcome with stress and felt the Darkness coming in, it freaked me out a little bit. I was trying to piece things together in my head and push it all away for another time while I studied my scriptures and read through my love dare for the day, when Jack, who was getting ready for work, came to give me a hug. He felt something was wrong, and asked if I was okay.

I always want him to notice and ask me if I'm okay. I always want him to notice without me telling him. He's a guy, though, so he usually doesn't or just doesn't know how to approach it. It kind of caught me off-guard, and I didn't know what to say, especially since I had been trying to hide it all until after he left. He had to leave in ten minutes, and I felt like any explanation I could give him would require more than a ten-minute discussion. After a moment of silence and hesitation, I said, "The Love Dare is hard." [and that is a post for a different day.] In my frustration, I cried a little. The real reason I was being weird was not the Love Dare. That was only a small part of it, which was indeed making it worse. But that wasn't the root of my issues this morning.

After another moment of hesitation, I released the real issue: "I'm really stressed about the Togetherness Project. I really want to go, but I just don't think it's do-able. The flight is too expensive for us, and I don't know how it will work with school. I don't know what will be happening at that time, and maybe it's a time when I won't be able to leave. [ps we are living with my parents right now because of our financial woes. My parents are not in on the addiction secrecy... Jack doesn't feel comfortable with anyone in our families knowing] I don't know how I will just leave for a weekend without having to have some explanation for my family, either. And I don't know how I can spend a weekend in Salt Lake without your family knowing, and I miss your family so much! I don't feel like it's even fair to go for the Togetherness Project and not visit your family, but then we would have to explain why I'm there without you. Plus, we need to get into a house. This will set us back, and it makes me feel so selfish." I buried my face in my hands and started crying.

He came and sat by me on the couch, took my hands, looked me in the eyes and said, "You know what I think is happening?"

"Satan?" I whispered.

"Yeah. Whenever you've talked about the Togetherness Project, you light up. You really want to go. And it will be really good for you to go. Satan knows that, and he wants to make it seem impossible. He wants to overwhelm you and make you feel miserable about it so you won't go. Don't worry about the money. We will figure it out. We both have jobs now [even though I don't get my first teacher paycheck until the end of August], so we can afford it better than you think. And it won't set us back very much in moving out of your parents' house and into our own. It will be okay. Don't worry about it."

I kept talking about the things stressing me out about this. I followed him around while he finished getting ready, and we kept discussing it. Finally, right before he left, he said, "Just remember that you are important. This is important. It's a priority for you to go. Satan wants you to feel like you aren't important, that your recovery and healing aren't important. He doesn't want you to feel the peace and validation you are going to feel while you are there. You are important. Apply for the scholarship, and we will make it all work out."

I love him. His being in tune with my needs this morning was amazing. He said exactly what I needed to hear. He validated me. He gave me perspective. He saw the root of my feelings, and that was darkness from Satan. He knows how it works. I know how it works, but sometimes I second-guess it when it's happening to me.

I'm grateful to have such a thoughtful, smart husband. I'm grateful that he cares and is willing to make the financial sacrifice to ship me off to Utah for the Togetherness Project.

Amen, sistas! I'm applying for that scholarship!

Serving and Being Served

Yesterday I had an amazing experience!

We have sister missionaries serving in our ward. They called us yesterday morning. We missed the call at first, and when my husband said it was them that called, I started thinking oh man, what if I signed up for dinner tonight and forgot? I was kind of having a panic attack because I didn't want to have to go to the store to get something to cook, and that would also mess up our date plans. I didn't want to call them back. I figured if it was important they would leave a message. But my husband really felt like we should call them back. So he did, and when they wanted to talk to me about going to do some visits with them, I was like oh. great.

When I was in high school, I went out with the sisters in my ward a lot because they were frequently low on miles and needed some help. So I became their chauffeur, and it was really fun (joyful). I learned a lot from them, and I developed a love for serving and sharing the gospel. I LOVED going out with the sisters my senior year of high school.

Yesterday, was supposed to be my free day. I told myself no work over this weekend. Spend day with husband. Have fun. Relax. And then I get this phone call from the sisters asking me to spend three hours (which turned into four) driving around town with them to their appointments and drop-bys. They wanted me to pick them up in half an hour, which gave me ten minutes to shower, get dressed, and get out the door. Of course, I couldn't turn the missionaries down. I really did want to go--it just stressed me out a little. But saying yes turned out to be the best decision I have made in a long time.

We visited four sisters, each one with something special about them that taught me great things.

One sister suffers from many health problems that have left her physically scarred and worn down. She is a member of the church but doesn't come because she can't get out the door very often with her illnesses. In the past few years, her husband died, a beloved dog mysteriously passed away on Thanksgiving day last year, and her father was diagnosed with terminal cancer and she has watched his health rapidly decline. When I was with her, my heart ached for how much she was going through. It wouldn't have surprised me one bit if the reason we were visiting her was to help her see how much God loves her and encourage her to stay strong in the faith. However, that wasn't the reason. I mean, she probably did need some encouragement, but we were visiting her out of love. To check up on her. And to see her example of strength and faith. And we were there to serve: to clean her house and do anything that needed to be done that she didn't have the strength herself to do. I visited with her for an hour, and I grew to love her. I could feel the Spirit testifying to us while we were there. I could feel God's love for her. And I could feel my heart growing. This woman is strong. She doesn't think she is, but she is. I was reminded that through God, we can do all things, and through God, we can have the strength to get through every trial (even when we don't feel strong at all).

At every woman's house, I was reminded of God's love for each of us. Each woman we visited yesterday is going through really hard trials. Some of them are learning of the gospel right now and are just now discovering the power of the Atonement to help them, and it was amazing to meet them and hear them talk about their growth. One woman called us while we were driving between stops and asked if we could come over because she was going to give up smoking. So we went to the store and got a few items to get her started on the road to recovery (the missionaries have some program that help people stop smoking), and we visited her after our other appointments. She was smoking her last cigarette when we got there, but she threw it away and said starting now I am a non-smoker. We helped her get rid of her cigarettes and ash-trays. We also talked to her about the power of prayer and asking the Lord for help overcoming temptation.

This woman said something that really struck me when we were talking about prayer: "I pray all the time since I found out I can actually talk to God." It made me think--how often as members of the church do we forget or take advantage of what we have? I actually had been thinking of that all day because with the missionaries, we prayed every time we started doing something. We prayed every time we got in the car, every time we arrived at someone's house, every time we talked to someone, and every time we left that person's house. I said a lot of prayers in the four hours I was with the missionaries. So thinking about that, and this woman's comment, made me think about how I pray so much less than I should. Also, during the day as I was reflecting on prayer, I realized that I had the Spirit so much more because I was constantly praying. It helped me to care more about the people around me, and it helped me be more humble and submissive to God.

This woman was a great example of faith. She was really addicted to smoking. She was really scared to give it up. But she was relying on the Lord to help her, and she was taking a great leap of faith. I can't even describe how scared she was to take these steps to give up smoking. It was intense. But she did it, and I hope that she can make it through this week without smoking. I know the first week will be the hardest. 

I had a really great experience spending time with the missionaries yesterday. I got to be there for a first discussion and share a little bit about the church, I got to serve, and I got to love. I learned so much. I'm so grateful that I took the opportunity to serve, even though at first I kind of didn't want to. When I got home, I felt much more light and humbled than I had before I left. Words can't even describe how lifted by the Spirit I felt. Because of my new, demanding job, I don't get the opportunity to serve or study the scriptures like I used to. I actually have been praying for ways to help build the kingdom and serve in my ward because I have felt so useless lately. This was definitely and answer to a prayer, and I also felt like it was a test from God to see how dedicated I actually was to serving. Would I serve if give the opportunity? I had already sworn the day off work, so I couldn't use that as an excuse not to serve. I'm glad I said yes. I'm also glad that when the woman called who wanted us to come after our other appointments, I said I could also drive them to her house and then take them back to their house after. She was my favorite appointment anyway :)

I love how when we serve, we are always served. I have never given service and actually felt like it was a burden somehow or that I was serving. I'm always given so much more when I take the opportunity to serve. Yesterday was another testimony of that for me. I hope that any of you who are struggling can find opportunities to serve and grow in love. It was cleansing and uplifting, and for me, it was very much needed.