My Story

My name is Kilee and I suffer from Betrayal Trauma. Betrayal Trauma carries many of the same symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. This is serious business.

March 31, 2011 marks the day my life was forever changed. There are many dates that could mark the day my life was changed: The first time he masturbated. Or viewed pornography. Our first date. The day I decided I was going to marry him. The day he asked and I said yes. The day we were married. The day I was in a car accident. So what's so special about March 31, 2011? It's the day my life was turned upside down. On this day, I learned I had been betrayed. Multiple times. I learned of lies and deceit.

But that day didn't change anything other than putting me "in the know" of a living hell. It was just the beginning.

I didn't know about his addiction when we got married. In fact, I made sure he wasn't addicted to pornography before we got married. I never thought he was or even had the potential to be. I thought I knew him, and to me he was perfect. His actions showed me he was the best guy in the world. In fact, before we got married, one of my best friends said, "Have fun being married to a general authority." He seemed that good. (Note: perfection is overrated. And also a big red flag)

A long time ago, I made a promise to someone that whenever the opportunity came to get married, I would ask that awkward question, "Are you by chance addicted to pornography?" just to make sure. And let me tell you, asking that question was awkward. He said no, and I was embarrassed for even asking (ahem: he was perfect, remember? He treated me like a queen, and I always felt like if anything became too physical, it was because of me.). We laughed, and not too much longer after that, we decided to get married.

Six months after our marriage was when I discovered the lie that changed my life. I still discover lies, and they still hurt.

Words cannot even begin to describe the hurt and pain I felt with the initial discovery. I was that girl. I had been betrayed by my husband--the man who I thought could never hurt me. And what did that make me? Unworthy of fidelity and love. Unattractive. Stupid. Worthless.

I thought, Why meeeeee? Why uuussssss? Why him? Him?? My husband? The guy I thought was perfect? My knight in shining armor? He does what? Of all people, and of all lies to come out? This? This?

It was absolutely HORRIBLE. I was devastated. My life crumpled to pieces right before my eyes.

As is the usual in this situation, I thought something was wrong with me. I thought I wasn't good enough. I thought I wasn’t pretty enough, skinny enough, or that I didn’t give him enough sex. Or good enough sex. I thought I wasn’t living my life right (spiritually), and it seemed that everything I thought I had known about my ability to receive personal revelation was wrong. I mean, God wouldn’t tell me to marry a man like this, right? He would have stopped me if I had listened, right?

Every fear I ever had from every boyfriend I had ever dated came back to haunt me. I didn't date good guys in high school. I always thought they were good, and then the lies came out. The worst one  was the guy who dated me for the "game" of corrupting the Mormon girl. That guy was seriously involved with pornography too, and the way he and his friends treated me scared me. And it seemed that was just my lot. Always.

High school is a hard time. There are so many "games" and I hated every single one. I dated and hung around with too many losers, and it wasn't until my senior year that I chose to define myself the way I wanted. I pulled myself out of the games and just let myself be me. It was my best year of high school. I still struggled with self-esteem and body image issues, but I started trying to let go.

After the losers I dated in high school, it took a while to be confident in my shoes. But, I discovered myself, and I became who I knew I could be. I took great efforts to stay away from guys who I knew wouldn't treat me right. I learned how to recognize the Spirit better, and I tried follow God and His plan for me.

In college, I went on lots of dates. I had crushes, but I was very non-committal. I didn't want attachment. I didn't want to get married yet. Then I met my husband. We started out as friends. He liked me a lot, but I was not interested. We remained friends, and eventually, we dated. After praying about it and making a very spiritual decision, I KNEW he was the one for me. As hard as it was to make that kind of commitment, I knew we were supposed to get married, and I acted in faith. Besides, I loved him. I couldn't live without him.

Three weeks after we got married, I was in a fairly serious car accident. I had a concussion that lasted for weeks. I had neck and back injuries. And it seriously impacted our physical relationship. Not to mention my emotional state.

I was a basket-case. It was my junior year of college, and I was taking hard and time-consuming classes. I missed three weeks of school and had tons to make up. Physical intimacy was hard to handle. It put me in physical pain. So...we just kind of stopped having sex. I would give in sometimes, but every time it just felt painful, and that's all I could focus on. Emotionally, it was empty. I was just fulfilling a need he had and I came to really dislike sex because it felt all about him.

Over time, we started fighting a lot. I didn't blame him: I was hard to live with. I was the girl with emotional and physical trauma who was trying to make peace with a life that just got messed up because someone ran a stop sign. I couldn't meet his needs, and he didn't seem to know how to meet mine. Of course, the fighting made me feel worse about everything.

We had lots of ups and downs. Our life wasn't horrible. I mean, we tried to make it as best as we could. We went on dates and did fun things together. And there were times when we did still feel like the blissful newlyweds. But, there was a lot of darkness for me, and I constantly asked myself why we had been robbed of the honeymoon phase.

I remember March 31 like it was yesterday. I finally felt like I was making peace with the car accident. It was sunny outside. I took my time walking home from my classes because I felt so much peace in that moment. Looking back, I can see the happiness and peace was in preparation for what was coming. God knew this little newlywed needed a little extra support that day.  

Upon arriving home, I cheerfully asked Ben how his day was going.

"Fine" was his curt response.

There was no looking up from the computer.

I felt an edge of irritation in his voice.

Well, I wasn't going to let him ruin my day. So I went in our room to read. For fun. A rare occasion for a college student.

Within about ten minutes, he was in our room saying we needed to talk. In a whirlwind, he confessed his addiction (at the time, it was something like, "I've been viewing pornography, and I hate myself right now." The addiction and cycles have been pieced together over time). My happy day was ruined. My happy day? My life was ruined. He cried. I cried. It hurt. And finally, everything seemed to make sense. The fighting. His need for sex. His emotional distance.

And thus began the need for healing and our road to recovery.

[[Slight tangent here:
At least he didn't physically cheat on you.
At least he told you.

Those are lies, my friends. Lies! Sure he didn't cheat on my physically, but he did over and over again in his mind. And with his hand. The hands that had lovingly touched and caressed me--his wife, lover, and best friend. 
So, sure he didn't physically cheat on me, but I'd like to know what about the constant infidelity of mind and soul makes porn "not that bad." And the lies. The lies!
And sure he told me, but it was just the beginning. Addicts are manipulative liars. We are still in the process of uncovering lies. His telling me was the start of his confession and recovery. We are both dealing with the ongoing effects years later. ]]

It took me a long time to cope. I experienced the typical feelings of worthlessness and fear of sexual intimacy. I had to learn to trust again, and I had to learn to forgive and manage my emotions. I’m still learning those things. Trauma continues, trauma responses happen, and I still learn and grow on a daily basis.

In the time since the initial confession, we have experienced a ton of pain and heartache. And yet, we have come so far. We still have ups and downs--sex-addiction is a beast--but we have both gained perspective and are learning. We've learned about marriage, teamwork, the gospel, the Atonement, and love. We've learned how to better communicate and express our emotions and needs. We’re learning about the gift of vulnerability and how important it is to be transparent with each other. We’re learning how to sort through the muck, and we are becoming more unified (even though he still messes up, and I still get angry, irritable, and impatient). We still have much to learn. But I’ve found that we are experiencing a beautiful journey, and if we can find the way to turn this over to God and lean on Him, I am confident that we will make it through and become that much stronger in years to come.

When we were married, divorce was not an option. I know now that divorce can be an option. I hope it doesn't come to that. We have a long, grueling road ahead--regardless of the outcome.

I have hope in the Atonement, and I look forward to the time when our marriage is clean of the filth that has infiltrated and caused so much suffering. I believe it can happen. There is always that possibility of separation or divorce, but right now I choose to trust that we will make it through. On the other hand, even if our marriage doesn’t survive, I’m confident that I will.

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You might be wondering why I am writing all this. Well, like I said, I've learned a lot during this trial and this journey. I am forever changed. Where six months after we got married, I contemplated the freedom/escape from this situation that divorce could bring, that is now replaced with a complete dedication to the gospel and my marriage. It's still hard. But I am healing. 

This blog is an outlet for me. It's here that I express some of my innermost feelings and work through my recovery and healing. 

This blog is also a way for me to share. I've learned so much from the other bloggers, and I've grown through my own sharing. I've found a key to healing is building connections with other women also suffering in the snares and harm of this addiction in their marriage. Reaching out and making connections is so important to healing. I've been able to do that through my blog, both for myself and some of my readers.

The bottom line is this: I want to share my experiences with the world. If I can touch someone, anyone, with my story, my hope, my healing through Christ, it--this whole experience--will all be worth it.

Thanks for stepping in on my journey. Sometimes the road to recovery takes baby steps. Some days I walk faster than others. Either way, my walk is a healing process. 

Walk with me.