Add it to the pile

I've been struggling lately.

Usually, I'm pretty good about talking to Ben. But things have been way off lately. Partially because we have a baby who takes up so much time and emotional energy. Partially because Ben works a lot, and in his spare time he has to do all his "dailies" and dedicate x amount of time to addiction recovery. And then I feel bad when I try to demand any of his time. Partially because of the way I've been struggling, I just don't feel comfortable or confident talking to Ben about it.

There have been times in our marriage that have certainly been worse than now--times when the addiction has been much worse. But ever since his big relapse back in September, the addiction has been ever-present. And it's really hard for me. It's just added to the pile of hard and hurt that he has given me over the past five years.

I know some people don't think porn and masturbation are a big deal. Sometimes I rationalize those behaviors too. The addiction is just so confusing, and I simply don't want to be in this mess. Sometimes my thoughts go the route of "Maybe if I just accepted it, things would be fine..." and I guess that means I take some of the blame and responsibility for the way things are.

Sometimes I just get plain ol' confused because "it's an addiction" and I obviously can't expect the recovery to happen overnight. So I rationalize some behaviors because "it's an addiction" and just try to accept what is happening and know (hope/pray/wish) that he is in recovery and will overcome it eventually.

So when Ben acts out, I just don't know what to do anymore. If we put the acts of viewing pornography and masturbating aside, the addiction still takes a huge toll because of the emotional energy it drains from us both. And then there are the consequences of "addict mode", which are so pleasant (not). But then when I really think about his actions--the lust, the physical manifestation of the lust, the desires working in his brain--it just hurts. And sometimes I force myself to not think about the fact that he is envisioning another woman while he fantasizes and masturbates to that image and just think "it's an addiction" and hope it just won't hurt. Because apparently I'm supposed to understand that it's an addiction. And with an addiction, how much of his actions are by choice or desire anyway? You know? It's just all so confusing.

I've sacrificed so much in our marriage. I'm not perfect, but I do my best. Does he do his best? Is he doing his best at working recovery? Is he really as dedicated to our marriage as he says he is?

Lately, all the lies have kept coming back to my mind. So many lies. So many f-ing lies. It hurts to think about. And it hurts to think about all the negative that could happen in the future.

Ben thinks I'm pessimistic because sometimes I lean towards the worst case scenario and focus on that. I'm so afraid of what could happen to our family because of the addiction. I'm trying to live in the present and focus on what is happening now. But right now it's so hard. I don't know why, but my thoughts keep dwelling on the past. And I keep mourning the loss of my marriage. Over and over again. It keeps happening. I think it's because I keep having so much hope, and maybe I try to trust too soon because I desperately want things to be okay again. And then my heart just keeps breaking.

I can't keep living in fear of the future. And I can't keep dwelling on the past. I don't want my marriage to end, but I am having a really hard time accepting things as they are. I'm having a hard time sacrificing certain things for him to work recovery. It just feels hard right now. And all of this just makes me really annoyed at every little thing he does, which isn't a way to live.

I'm afraid for him to read this post because I'm afraid for how he will feel. That's not a good sign. It means I'm still using my emotional energy to control parts of his addiction. I keep working through that, but then things happen that bring me back down to that aspect of control.


Earlier today, I prayed about all of this. And I just expressed to God how I don't know how to forgive Ben and move on. And I don't know how to turn this over to the Savior, and sometimes I don't know how to love Ben because he feels unlovable through the blinders of my pain. But during that prayer, I was told that Ben is lovable. Through that same sacrifice the Savior made that allows me to turn my burdens over to Him, Ben was shown mercy and love. Because the Savior died so Ben could be forgiven. And if Ben can be forgiven and loved by God, then he certainly can be loved and forgiven by me. There is no timeline on forgiveness. I'm not perfect at loving and forgiving like Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are, but through them, I can achieve perfect love and forgiveness some day. So for now I'll hold on to that.

I want to enjoy today because it's Mother's Day. And I feel like I'm ruining it. I love being a mom. I'm really grateful for that.

The Fear/Tension/Pain Cycle

Last night we went to our first child birth class.

At one point, we were talking about the pain of labor, and a lot of people expressed their fears of labor. So the instructor showed us this cool little diagram:

Credit

As she explained how fear of something increases body tension, which in turn increases pain, I was like WHOA. Obviously this pertains to labor, but holy cow does this apply to other fears and pains in my life.

I have a lot of fears. I discussed this with my counselor yesterday, and while he agreed that I have a lot of fears, he helped me realize that most of my fears are not irrational. They are based on previous experience. That's not really the point. The point is that I do let my fears rule me from time to time. And most of my fears are actually of my perception of future pain.

Apparently by allowing myself to fret in fear, I allow the pain to be worse than it might actually be.

I wrote a post about some of my fears back in September. In fact, I've written a few posts about fears, and you can read them here (at least the ones I tagged with fear).

As I read back over my posts about certain fears and reflect back on those situations, I can see how allowing my fears to take over has caused deeper pain in the end. And it truly is because the psychological fears have a physical effect on me that causes both deeper physical and emotional pain.

As I talked to my counselor yesterday and realized I don't actually let myself be ruled by fears, I discovered the progress I'm making. I am halted by fears, certainly, but I don't remember the last time I was actually dictated by my fears. I'm learning how to cope with the fears better, which has allowed me to have much better resiliency and less pain as a result of certain challenges I'm facing. It's amazing.

I thought this diagram was a perfectly simple explanation of this process I've been discovering about fear. It really helped me to see it spelled out like this, and I hope it can help someone else as well.

My birth instructor last night said, "Remember, fear increases pain. Knowledge decreases pain."

May we all gain the knowledge we need to make it through these battles we are fighting:

Knowledge of our Savior.
Knowledge of the addiction.
Knowledge of our divinity.
Knowledge of our worth.
Knowledge of our beauty.
Knowledge of what it means to love.
Knowledge of true friendship.
Knowledge of the truth.

Shouldering pain

Credit

Something weird happened.

Last week was overall pretty amazing. I was happy, and my pregnancy sickness almost completely disappeared. It was like I was living a completely different life. Almost.

I talked to Ben about it on Saturday night. I expressed how happy I had been and my fears that it wouldn't last. I'm really trying. I'm really trying to live to my fullest potential. I'm really trying to turn my hurts over to the Savior and not let the pains I experience bring me to a complete downward spiral. I've been a lot closer to the Savior, and I have felt strength and progress in the way I handled an extremely hurtful situation that happened last Wednesday and how that strength carried me through every day as I battled my depression.

Last week was like a dream. I felt depression coming back on Saturday night. As I talked to Ben, I said, "I think I remember it always being like this. I think I remember being a generally happy, loving, and forgiving person. But I don't really remember. My memory is foggy. It's like, I know I can live like this because it was that way once. If that was reality and not just a dream." He kindly reminded me that I did live a joyful, loving life once upon a time and that I could have that again. The Savior was showing me the light in the darkness. It's joyful weeks like last week that keep me going.

I reached a really high point.

But then, on Monday, the weird thing happened. I woke up and threw up almost all day (among other pregnancy awfuls). It was one of the worst pregnancy sickness days I have experienced. In the morning, I was doing pretty good. I had a positive attitude and every motivation to make it through the day with joy even though my body was trying to tell me it was experiencing anything but joy. However, by mid-afternoon and especially early evening, I was a complete mess. My sickness got worse throughout the day, and in what seemed like the flip of a switch, I was bitter and angry.

I begged God to have mercy on me. I expressed how much I was hurting (my body was hurting everywhere) and how hard it was to go on. I cried and pleaded, and nothing. No pain was taken away. I tried for so long to have a positive attitude, and when my body went to complete crap, I gave up and allowed myself to be bitter and angry at God for throwing that hell day at me when I had been working so hard to make big changes in my life.

After I explored the bitterness for a while, I finally humbled myself enough to pray and dig deep within myself to ask for help through the Atonement. I had voiced to Ben, "I know the Atonement will help me feel less alone and that God hasn't abandoned me. But I'll still be in pain. I don't care if I'm alone. I just want to have less pain. He may give me strength to bear the pain, but I don't want that. I want less pain." [There was probably some swearing in my head].

I honestly didn't know how the Atonement would help me in that moment. I almost didn't believe that I would feel any different. However, I changed my prayers from the begging for mercy and asking for help to asking for help understanding how the Atonement could change me through this or how the power of having the Savior by my side could really help me bear the pain.

Relying on the Atonement to bear the pain, rather than begging for the pain to be taken away, changed the whole situation. It's hard to explain, but I really felt some kind of physical lift of my pain. The pain was lifted just enough that I could think a little more clearly and know I wasn't going to die because of the pain. Ben stayed by my side, holding me and offering comfort, but I felt the presence of angels around me and lifting me up as well. And whenever I took my heart away from the Savior and focused too much on the pain, I lost focus on the Atonement. Thankfully, we have a picture of Christ on our wall, which happened to be in my direct line of sight while I was bedridden. Looking at Him and searching for understanding of the Atonement helped me feel lighter when I felt too weighed down.

It's amazing how light and happy I felt last week to the huge switch in my physical health that caused me to fall into bitterness. But it's also amazing how I can learn time and again lessons about the Atonement. I don't want to ever forget that experience because it really showed me how Christ can help shoulder my burden in a way I haven't experienced before. It's something I can carry with me in all my pains.

I really hate physical pain. I've experienced so much physical pain in my life that it's starting to take a huge emotional toll on me. And physical pain combined with emotional pain seems to hurt exponentially more. But I know that no matter what, I can bear any pain with Christ by my side.

He Knows It Hurts

Today I prayed and tried to express my pains and feelings to God. Prayer is sometimes really hard for me, but I'm trying to make it better and have better communication with Him.

As I poured out the pain of the addiction and the recent relapses, I found myself expressing, "It still hurts" over and over. Like a broken record.

Jack had a minor slip-up yesterday (minor can be relative--minor compared to normal). I know it has nothing to do with me. I know it's not because I'm fat, ugly, or a failure as a wife...Or at least that's what I  keep telling myself. No, I know it's not those things. I like myself, and I do know his relapses are not because of me but because of the addiction. The brain. The dopamine.

But it still hurts. It still makes me emotionally guarded. I'm still in pain.

When I tried to explain that to Heavenly Father and begged for relief, a feeling of peace washed over me as I felt the Spirit whisper, "Marie, I know it hurts. It hurts me when my children are unfaithful to me and turn to other means of fulfilling what only I can give. It's okay to hurt. And I'm here for you."

Pain and the Atonement

Today, I read “The Atonement Covers All Pain” by Kent F. Richards from the April 2011 General Conference. This post stems from that talk and my thoughts and I studied and read related scriptures.

All quotes are from this talk. No, I didn't cite them. This is my citation.

This talk provided me with a lot to process and think about, and it really helped bring me more peace. If you've read recent posts, you would know I'm having a hard time. Between scripture studies, I get filled with some serious anxiety and depression. My studying of the scriptures and other gospel tools is what is keeping me afloat and hopeful. After today's study, I feel much more hopeful than I have all weekend, and I think I have enough hope to give me the motivation to be productive today.

Here is a dive into what I studied/learned/was reminded of about the Atonement today. If it's kind of on the choppy, side, please excuse me. This pretty much came straight from my journal (with some name changes and minor stuff). I just hope that maybe my thought process here could help other people who have been struggling too.

Ready? 

Pain: there are some cases where it is inflicted on purpose for the growth or repair of certain aspects of the body

-          For the repair of my back, I have to do stretches and exercises that are painful. I have to endure that pain as it is necessary for the healing that needs to take place.

-          That physical pain is a severe trial I am experiencing. It’s in my back and my feet, and sometimes, it really is excruciating.. I have to have that pain, though, to help my soul reach the perfection I am seeking and that God knows is possible. Pain is a part of growth and perfection. If I didn’t experience pain, my body would never come close to perfect again. But, if I do the things I am supposed to, despite the pain, I can experience recovery. I can be recovered, in a sense, to Heavenly Father and the spiritual state I desire.

-          The same goes with my emotional pain.

There are different ways I can deal with pain: I can get angry that it is happening and pull away from God. I can also use it as an opportunity to rely on the only true source of healing, which is God. I’ve felt the pull of both. I also know which one provides me with nourishment to my soul and which one leads me into deeper despair.

Pain is a part of life. Why? Because we all need to experience pain to grow. When you are trying to get in shape, if you never push yourself, you will never grow. If you never push yourself, you will never get faster. If you only run an eight minute mile every day and don’t try to increase your time or distance to avoid the pain (soreness, possible injury, etc), you will avoid the pain, and you won’t get better/faster. Pain is a part of life because we need it to grow. We also need repair time—time to heal. This helps prevent injury and allows a safe growth process.  In the spiritual sense, that comes from the time we take to increase our knowledge and understanding of the plan of salvation and our relationship with our Father and Jesus Christ. Without that time to repair and rebuild spiritual muscle, we will get too injured to go further.

Pain teaches us patience. That is one of the character weaknesses I have been working on strengthening, so in the eternal perspective, my pain is very important to my strength.

Elder Orson F. Whitney wrote (cited in the talk by Elder Richards): “No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude, and humility. … It is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire.” Are those not the qualities I am trying to strengthen in myself? I am being prepared and strengthened.

“Much of our suffering is not necessarily our fault.” We experience pain from life in general (death, illness, loss of job), and the actions of others. My pain comes from both of those categories. I can deal with my pain appropriately as I realize that opposition is part of life. Without opposition, the plan of happiness wouldn’t be. We need this opposition. Without opposition, there could not be wickedness or righteousness. There couldn’t be happiness or misery (see 2 Ne 2:11). We need opposition. “We all encounter enough to bring us to an awareness of our Father’s love and of our need for the Savior’s help.” And that awareness of the Father’s love and our need for the Savior are part of what we are here to discover. That awareness and knowledge will help us get where we are going in the eternal realm.

The Savior knows personally the pain I feel. He knows the pains of us all because of His Atonement. Rather than just knowing, He suffered it so He could understand our pains and know how to succor us. I can have faith in Him because He suffered it. I can have faith in Him because He knows exactly what I am going through. My favorite scripture about the Atonement is Alma 7:11-13. In these verses, it describes His purpose.  He suffered everything for us so His “bowels could be filled with mercy” and so He would know how to succor us. As we rely on that, and His power, we will be converted to Him, and we will be able to achieve our purpose of life.

Here are some other scriptures about the Atonement that he mentions in this talk and impacted me as I studied them:

3 Ne 9:13

I love this verse because it asks all those who were spared because they were more righteous if they will come to Him and be converted so He can heal them. Even though it says they were more righteous than others, they weren’t perfect. They still needed the power of the Atonement to help them be fully converted to Him and be healed of their pains through affliction, infirmity, or sin. Maybe my sins aren’t as bad as other people’s are, but I still need that healing through the Atonement. Any sin makes me unclean, so I need to repent and become clean again.

3 Ne 27:13-16

These verses reminded me of something I realized yesterday (courtesy of Bishop and Jack). We met with our bishop yesterday, and towards the end he excused me to talk to Jack alone. When Jack came out, one of the things he said they talked about was how Christ suffered the Atonement for love of God first. He did it for us and His love for us—we know that. But, first, it was for God. Christ said “send me” because He loved God and wanted His purposes to be fulfilled and let God receive the glory. He came to the world to do the will of the Father. Through the will of the Father, Christ was sent here to draw all men unto Him. If we repent, are baptized, and endure to the end (keeping our covenants), all will be well for us.

“Late one night lying in a hospital bed, this time as a patient and not as a physician, I read those verses over and over again. I pondered: ‘How is it done? For whom? What is required to qualify? Is it like forgiveness of sin? Do we have to earn His love and help?’ As I pondered, I came to understand that during His mortal life Christ chose to experience pains and afflictions in order to understand us. Perhaps we also need to experience the depths of mortality in order to understand Him and our eternal purposes” (bold added).

No amount of pain I will experience in this life will come close to the pain He has felt because He suffered not only my pain, but everyone else’s. However, my pains help me understand Him, why he came here, and the plan of salvation. My pains and growth not only help me understand the Atonement better, but they help me understand my role in the plan and give me glimpses to what I have waiting for me hereafter as long as I remain faithful. And when I am in intense pain and feel completely alone, it is a tremendous blessing to know that I am never alone. Christ is always there to succor me and lift me up, and He knows exactly what I need because He has felt that same pain.

Relief may not come immediately. I mean, I will get some kind of help. His power is administered through giving me strength, patience, and peace. Just because the trial isn’t removed doesn’t mean He doesn’t care or isn’t watching over me. He is always watching over me. He has felt this pain. He knows me, and He knows exactly how much of this pain I need to condition me into the spiritual shape I need to be in.

“Our great personal challenge in mortality is to become ‘a saint through the atonement of Christ.’” My trials are helping me get there. 

A broken heart

Christ probably wouldn't have left my husband to take apart a heavy, wooden bunk bed all by himself (as a help to my parents. No kid beds for us). Especially after seeing him struggle with it and knowing how hard it looked to do alone. I feel bad for getting mad and leaving. I even felt bad while I was leaving. Part of me said stay. The other part of me said staying will make everything worse. So I left. I wasn't sure which was really the right thing to do. I guess I could have finished helping and then left to find my peace today.

I went to the gym and swam a mile. I had no one to celebrate that accomplishment with. Swimming a mile is a huge victory for me! It represents a victory of battles with my back. I just celebrated in my head. 

Before I swam, I went into a bathroom stall and prayed. I told God I can't handle all my emotions, and that I was sorry I left Jack to fend for himself. And that I felt like crap. Then, I said, "Please take this and do what needs to be done. After this week (it's been bad. on so many levels), I don't have the strength to carry on. Please give me strength, peace, hope. Something." I wonder if that's similar to how Christ felt while He was taking on my pains and sins in the Garden. Maybe. Or maybe after the Garden and on the way to Calvary. Maybe. When I closed my prayer in His name, I felt a sense of understanding from Him, though. He has felt enough to understand me. He gave me enough peace to walk out to the pool and swim a mile. 

I feel more composed now. I got to think a lot while I swam, and I did a lot of self analysis. I realized I'm not mad about what happened today. I'm still mad about this whole week, and I'm fragile. There have been a lot of slip-ups with the addiction. Our week away (yes it was part work, but the evenings were supposed to be all about us) fizzled into a mess. I feel emotionally and intimately unsafe right now. And now, for that purpose, I need to draw boundaries with our physical relationship. We just started trying again to have a baby. That is on hold now. Again. Sigh. 

My heart hasn't felt this broken in a long time. I don't know how to handle it this time. 

At least I know that I'm on the right track. Turning myself over to God's care is the best thing I can do for us. Setting boundaries again will be necessary. That's on the right track too. I'm also trying to find good outlets for me. I'm going to paint more. And sew some stuff.   And, of course, write. 

I actually wasn't going to blog yet, but I decided to after the tender mercy I just experienced. After swimming, I drove around trying to figure out my next step. I didn't want to go home yet, so I decided to find a park where I could study my scriptures and think. I prayed then opened up to where I am. Yesterday, I left off mid-chapter because I just felt like the next verse would be a good start for my next read. Boy, was I right to follow that prompting. 

Mosiah 18:21 "And he commanded them that there should be no contention one with another, but that they should look forward with one eye, having one faith and one baptism, having their hearts knit together in unity and in love one towards another."

That was a direct answer to my prayers. No contention. Work together in faith. Remember we are one. And remember to love. 

Everyone's situation is different. Those words may not be the exact answer for everyone, but it was exactly what I needed tonight. 

Time to go home and make amends. 

And here are inspiring words from my favorite hymn (Reverently and Meekly Now). I saved this as a note on my phone a couple months ago at church:

Finding Peace and Strength

I know I said I would start Step 5 today, but I had an experience that made me change my mind. Sorry. I'll start Step 5 tomorrow or Sunday. The reason I have taken a break between four and five anyway is because I bet that most of you, if you are working the steps, aren't even to four or past four yet. I've been writing about them faster than most people actually work through them.

I've had a lot of problems lately. Emotional problems. I can't go into too much detail on here, but I have been torn in many directions. I have a lot that I worry about: my job, my calling(s), family, and relationships (with God, Husband, family, friends, and self). I also stress out very easily. I worry a lot. I let things get to me. Even when I try to be at peace, I'm never fully at peace because I try to do too much. Too much? I think it's too much sometimes, but really, take it from me because I have experienced it and really tried hard to let go of some of this stuff, I can't let go of it. None of the stuff I worry about are things I can just let drop out of my life. I mean, I guess I could drop visiting teaching (just kidding. but seriously. . .), but I am so passionate about visiting teaching. I'm not even a great visiting teacher. I stress about it a lot, and half the time I don't do anything about it because I feel like I physically can't.

Long story short, I have had a lot of problems managing and balancing all the different parts of my life that seem to be falling apart around me. I have been depressed. I can't even describe it because I don't want to even think about the way I have been feeling lately.

I went to group last night. For the first time in five or six weeks. I had been looking forward to group all week, then when the time came to go, I didn't want to. I was so depressed and feeling so low that I didn't want to do anything. So, my loving husband told me we should go, and we went. It was exactly what I needed. Being there last night, feeling the Spirit, feeling God's love for me, was exactly what I needed. I needed to hear the testimony of others, too. I was reminded of how important the 12-step program is to me and why I used to go every single week and make everything else work around my group schedule just so I could attend. Since I started my new job, I haven't had time to go. I know that I won't be able to go every week, but going last night proved to be a gentle reminder that I should try to go more than I do right now.

My husband has been having a lot of relapses lately. I haven't really thought about it or written about it much because honestly it doesn't bother me a lot. And when it does get to me, I sometimes feel like I shouldn't be letting it bother me because I know that he will overcome it, and I know this is a process and a journey, and I know that we can both be healed through Christ. But you know what? It's okay to be sad. It's okay to feel like you have been let down. That doesn't make you a bad person. It's also okay to question God. He hears you. He knows you are hurting, and if you do question Him, look for His answer. Because He is showing you that He is there, that He cares, and that He does have his hand in this.

So the relapses have been getting to me, and I feel bad that I haven't been more there for my husband. He has been there for me so much the past few weeks helping me in so many ways to maintain my focus, resolve, and what little balance I have with everything. And then when he tells me about his lapses (well, he doesn't always have the best timing, but he is a guy), I don't know what to say. I tell him I love him, and that I support him. We pray together sometimes. I let him tell me everything he feels like he needs to say. I let him cry (yes, men, it's okay to cry), but then sometimes in my head, I'm like "f;aeilc;l kmaw;leickl I CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS RIGHT NOW!!"

Last night, my husband told me he realized that he doesn't fully want to be rid of his addiction. That's something I have been wondering lately, actually, so I was really glad he told me. I mean, it has to be so hard to say goodbye to the thing you have turned to in times of emotional need for the past 13ish years. It's become kind of like a best friend (minus the regret and pain that comes from the addiction). I'm actually proud of him for realizing that because now he knows what to pray for a little better. Now he has more direction on what he needs help with, and I think he can lean on Christ a little better.

So, amidst all this chaos that has been running my life, I have been studying my scriptures, talks, and the like. I have been trying to feel peace, but sometimes no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to find it. I pray. I do the things I'm supposed to do to feel peace, but can't find it. Then I get frustrated and cry. But peace is truly all around me. Sometimes I just have blinders on.

Today, I hit a pretty hard rock. Overall it was a good day until about 5 this afternoon, and then something happened that triggered some severe depression. I then was caught in my thoughts of despair and feeling so low that no one should love me when I just screamed in my head, "I can't do this! I can't do this! I need it taken away!" and just like that, I heard the whisper of the Holy Spirit saying ask for a priesthood blessing. So I fell on the floor, crying, and asked my husband to give me a blessing. Immediately, I felt lighter--just in the simple act of turning to God and saying I can't do this and asking for His power to be bestowed upon me. While I waited for him to change his clothes to give me a blessing, I was reminded of Step 1 (Honesty). "Admit that you, of yourself, are powerless to overcome your addictions and that your life has become unmanageable." That's exactly how I have felt.

I received the most amazing priesthood blessing, and it brought me so much peace and comfort. I no longer feel any trace of the despair and hopelessness I have been feeling. I was gently reminded of many things, some of which I feel like I should share because I believe everyone needs these reminders:

- remember your divine nature
- remember you have a loving Father in Heaven who loves you unconditionally (and also for me, my husband)
- I (you) will continue to face trials because I (you) am a choice child of God, and these trials will help me become stronger and grow to reach my (your) divine potential
- He blessed me to have gratitude and turn to gratitude and the Lord in times of need instead of stress
- He has felt my (your) pain. He completely understands my (your) pain. And I (you) am not alone.

Like I said above, it's okay to be sad, and it's okay to question God. You know how I know that He has heard me? Because through this blessing, He addressed many of my needs and questions, even things I hadn't voiced to my husband. But He still answered them. And He reminded me, firmly, that He is there and that there is a purpose in all of this. It truly was a beautiful blessing, and it gave me much needed strength and peace. 

Also, last night at group, we were talking about the new guidebook that is supposed to be coming out soon for family members or those who have loved ones who suffer from addiction (did that make sense? basically for you and me instead of the "addict"). I have never had a problem with this guidebook that we use now. In fact, I have had amazing experiences with it. But I guess some people struggle with the wording because it says addict and addiction, when those words don't really apply to you. This is what I felt prompted to say: this program, this guidebook, is to help us come closer to Christ, no matter who we are. The words addict and addiction may not apply specifically to you, but they represent other things that you may struggle with. For me, the point is that this helps us draw closer to Christ. And for me, as I draw closer to Christ, I am healed. It is through Christ that I am able to forgive, love, and be healed (and all the other stuff I am trying to be). I'm not perfect. I still struggle with things. Even though I have a lot stronger foundation and healing than I did two years about when I learned of my husband's addiction, I still have growing to do. And Satan still attacks me. But as I come closer to Christ, I am able to cope with my experiences better, be a better companion and "help-meet" to my husband, and ultimately, draw closer to and become like God and Christ.

So, I don't really have a great way to tie all of this together, other than saying this: I know that God lives. I know that Christ is my Savior. I know that life is hard, but it was meant to be hard. And, the harder it is, I think that means the more God trusts you  (maybe not, but that's what I think). I know that I can get through this. I know my husband can get through this. I still know he is the one for me! I know the Spirit is real and speaks to us today, and I know that we are loved by Heavenly Father. And I know that we can do all things through Jesus Christ. I am beyond grateful for this knowledge. And I am beyond grateful for the experiences I have had on this earth that have helped shape me and give me strength. I am so grateful for the peace I feel tonight. And I feel like I need to close this in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

The Start

I am 23 years old, and I am a female member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

Let me tell you my purpose before I begin my story. The LDS church has a 12-step addiction recovery program that is similar to Alcoholics Anonymous. This program is set up for all types of addiction recovery, and they even have family support groups as well. You can find a group near you here. This program has changed my life.

If any of you are struggling with addiction, or have a loved one struggling with addiction, I'd highly recommend it. It has helped me hugely. It has helped my relationship with my husband. And most of all, it has helped my relationship with Christ (which, ultimately has helped everything else straighten out as well).

I'm not an addict. My husband is. He is addicted to pornography.

I didn't know that when we got married. In fact, I made sure he wasn't addicted to pornography before we got married. I never thought he was, but I made a promise to someone that whenever the opportunity came to get married that I would ask that awkward question, "Are you by chance addicted to pornography?" just to make sure. And let me tell you, asking that question was awkward. He said no, we laughed, and then we decided to get married.

Six months after our marriage was when I discovered the lie.

It hurt. A lot. An indescribable amount.

I cried. A lot. More than I ever wish to again.

I thought, why me? Why us? Why him? Him?? My husband, who I thought was perfect? My knight in shining armor? He has this disgusting addiction? Of all people, and of all lies to come out... this.

It was HORRIBLE. I thought something was wrong with me. Every fear I ever had from every boyfriend I have ever dated came out. I didn't date good guys. I never had good luck. I always thought they were good, then the lies came out. The worst was the guy who dated me for the "game" of corrupting the Mormon girl. And then I dated around a lot in college because I didn't want attachment. I didn't want to get married yet. Then I met my husband and after dating him, after praying about it and making a very spiritual decision about it, I KNEW he was the one for me.

So, after my dating experiences, and just being a girl (come on, girls, your dream is to be good enough for that perfect man, am I right?), what was my biggest fear? My biggest fear was I'M. NOT. GOOD. ENOUGH. Right? That's why God would punish me with this. Obviously, I'm not good enough to have what I want, that precious eternal marriage. Because obviously, our sealing would not work out unless he could overcome this. And guess what? He has had this addiction for more than half. his. life.

I can say now that my husband didn't lie to me. I felt like he did for a long time, and when I get depressed and trapped by Satan, all those negative feelings come up. But really, he has tried for so long to overcome his addiction. He tried and tried and tried. And when we got engaged, he had been clean for long enough that he thought he finally conquered it. And he never wanted me to know that dark side of his past because it was gone. And he didn't think it would come back. I respect that.

Why did his addiction come back after we had been married for six months? Actually, three months. He told me after six. Well, I had some serious health issues come up, which caused me to get depression, and because of those health issues, we couldn't be the first-year honeymooners anymore. Our physical intimacy went down the toilet for a while until the depression and those health issues could clear up. So, I felt like it was my fault that it came back.

This is the first lesson I learned from recovering from the emotional and mental toll I have had from my husband's addiction, and I want all of you who have a loved one suffering from addiction to listen. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. There are lots of chemical things going on with the brain, and no matter how much fault you think you have in this, it's not your fault. At all. Period. I have a bishop who told me that every Sunday to thank for helping me understand that.

You might be wondering why I am writing all this. Well, I have been through the addiction recovery program 1.5 times so far, and I am still working on it. It has changed me. It has changed my husband. Where six months after we got married, I contemplated the freedom/escape from this situation that divorce could bring, that is now replaced with a complete dedication to the gospel and my marriage. It's still hard. But I am healing. And I want to share my experiences so if I can touch someone, anyone, with my story, my hope, my healing through Christ, it will all be worth it.

Even if you're not in the face of addiction, I'd still recommend you try out the program, or get your hands on a manual and work it yourself. In my group, we joke about it being called "Using the Atonement: For Dummies." We all could use some help bringing the Atonement into our lives.

So, in this blog, I will talk about the 12 steps. I will even take you through all 12 steps and describe how my learning has taken place. I will tell you about my husband and our relationship. I will tell you what I have learned and am learning. Please, please, share this link on facebook or twitter or whatever. You never know who needs this. I only have 1 very close friend knows that this is happening in my life. So I can guarantee you that you don't know if your friends or family are struggling with this. Share!