That's Who I Am

I have a lot to write and no time.

I have felt a lot of stress and pressure lately, especially today. I almost had a meltdown at school about some things (half school related, half personal issues), but luckily I kept my composure. 

I've also been incredibly blessed. Even though I don't have much time to get on here and read blogs, or write my own for that matter, and even though I don't have much time to study my scriptures, I'm really working on my relationship with God. I don't do the greatest every day, but I do what I can. I've found myself leaning on the half hour drive to and from work as my alone time and my time with God. I rotate between listening to talks, listening to classical and piano music, and listening to inspiring music.  During the day, I try to listen to the Spirit. I pray when I can, and I try to see my students through God's eyes. I've had some amazing experiences. 

Today I have been blessed with incredible strength. And I was blessed to feel Christ carry me. I've been studying the talk "Of Regrets and Resolutions" this week along with the Atonement, and it has really helped me see things through clearer eyes. I can't really get into it now, but I really just wanted to express that He is there. I can feel it every day, even when I'm down. I also feel Satan attacking me, and I'm learning how to deal with his negative influences in positive ways and kick him to the curb. 

Lots of tender mercies have been thrown my way today. I'm thanking the Lord for every single one.

One was this song coming on during my drive home today. I put my recovery playlist on shuffle and told God to just hit me with the ones I need. The songs came in the most perfect order ever. And this is one that really lifted me up and strengthened me:

That’s Who I Am

(by Hilary Weeks)

I can feel myself breathe

Really breathe again

Gonna let myself dream

Really dream again

I won’t ever stop trying

This is my story

And I’m still writing!

I’m uncovering strength

I’ve never felt before

There is a fire inside

That’s never burned before

My fears are all dying

It’s time to spread my wings

And start flying

 This moment is mine

And I’m gonna take it

Today is a gift

And I will embrace it

I am strong

And I believe

That’s who I’m meant to be

Every step that I take

Is lifting me higher

Every corner I turn

The future is brighter

I am brave enough to face the storm

And still stand

That’s who I am!

It’s not about the race

It’s not about how fast I run

It’s finding out what’s inside

And who I can become

It’s all about letting go

And holding on

It’s about taking chances

And staying strong

This moment is mine

And I’m gonna take it

Today is a gift

And I will embrace it

I am strong

And I believe

That’s who I’m meant to be

Every step that I take

Is lifting me higher

Every corner I turn the future is brighter

I am brave enough to face the storm

And still stand

That’s who I am!

Step 5 and Isolation

Key Principle: Admit to yourself, to your Heavenly Father in the name of Jesus Christ, to proper priesthood authority, and to another person the exact nature of your wrongs.

In this step, it says many who have suffered from addiction share the feeling of isolation. When I read that, I read it in application to me. Many who have suffered from a loved one with an addiction feel sense of isolation. Don't you think so?

I think we have all felt isolated at some point or another. There have been many times where I am in a situation where I don't fit it. For example, when I overhear people talking about pornography addictions, or when I see people post things on Facebook about the evils of pornography, I'm sensitive to it. Often, those people frame the pornography users in a very negative light. Don't get me wrong. I am not saying that it's not a bad thing, but I think it's greatly misunderstood by many people. I bet if you knew my husband and learned he is addicted to pornography, you would be surprised. I was. I was shocked. Because I literally thought he was perfect (or as much as one could be). When we got married, one of my friends said, "Have fun being married to a general authority." My husband really is a great guy, and it pains me to know what he is going through, and then see/hear people talk about addicts like they are trashy creeps. They aren't trash or creeps, at least not all of them.

I also feel isolation in every relationship: with friends and family. I can't completely open up to my best friends. I can't completely open up to my sisters, or my brothers, or my mom or dad. I can't completely open up to my visiting teachers. I can't tell anyone who would be a good shoulder to cry on. Because of that, I have felt isolated many times in my life. I have also realized because of this trial that people have trials that they can't talk about, and then I feel isolated even more from family and friends and their trials that I wish I could help with.

 "Even in a crowd or while engaged in activities where others might feel a sense of connectedness, we felt like we didn't fit in. As we came to recovery meetings, we began to emerge from the emotional isolation. . . At first, many of us just sat and listened, but eventually we felt safe enough to speak and share" (emphasis added).

I have definitely felt that in my life. As I have gone through the program and recovery meetings, I have emerged from emotional isolation. It wasn't until Step 5 that I could "throw off the shackles from (my) isolating secrets and gain some perspective" on myself, my relationship with my husband, and my relationship with God.

My "confession" allowed me to look deep inside myself and become better. The inventory in step 4 was really what let me look at myself, but step 5 was the true action of coming unto Christ. The confession bring humility and closeness to the Spirit. It allowed me to turn myself over to the care of God, and through Him, I have been lighter. I no longer feel isolated because I know I always have Him. I feel clean. I feel worthy of my relationship with Him. I feel the desire to keep being better. And this feeling, this closeness with God is what I know to be a huge factor in my relationship with my husband.