Light Peeking Through the Cracks

Source

I recently decided to study the LDS church's family support program on my own. Getting to meetings is hard. I like to go when I can, but sometimes life just gets in the way, and attending in-person meetings is just not a priority for my recovery right now.

I love this program. I LOVE it.

The first principle is called "God Will Console Us in Our Afflictions." As I've studied this principle, I've felt a lot of peace come to me. It's been perfectly timed because I'm really triggered by an upcoming trip Ben is taking for work.

Today I studied this talk.

It solidified in me this feeling that Ben's addiction is not my fault. It is not related to me in any way. I've struggled with this idea because the first time he acted out in our marriage was some kind of twisted revenge against me. Yeah. So when people say the addiction isn't related to me, sometimes in my head I'm like "Well, how can you be so sure? Because actually, it is about me."

That line of thinking comes and goes. But lately, I've been realizing just how much I have carried a victim mentality through this and how that mentality has affected me in every aspect of my life. I am working hard to rid myself of that mentality and live my life with a free spirit.

I'm finding myself again, and it's beautiful.

This talk I studied was a good reminder of what addiction is and how it impacts agency. It helped me feel a little less mad at my 29-year old husband for what he has *done* to us and feel a bit more empathy for the child who was deceived by Satan, the child who had some major things he was dealing with and numbed through addiction. That empathy has been lost in my anger.

We are on a rough road. But as I've been trying to demolish my victim mentality, something has come alive in me that I've been yearning for but haven't figured out how to attain: LOVE. Love for everyone, really. But most importantly, a love for Ben. When I'm not super angry at him all the time, or more accurately, when I'm not looking for reasons to be super angry at him all the time, it's much easier to see the good things in our relationship and in his spirit. That is important because he is not defined by his addiction. But sometimes I define him by his addiction.

Obviously we still have a long way to go, and it would be much easier if he could get into solid recovery. I still have hope that he can and will, and I still have hope for our family. But right now, I am finding light that I haven't seen in a long while, and it feels good.

I have hope

I've been itching to write but not really sure what to write about. Plus, it's really hard to find the time to write these days.

I'm just going to write whatever comes to my mind and heart right now.

Having a child puts a whole new spin on being married to an addict. His decisions no longer just impact us. They impact our child (and future children) too. I knew that before I got pregnant, but I didn't understand it like I do now.

For a long time, I have held on to this hope that he will get better. I've stayed in this and worked with everything I have because of that hope. His recovery was doing really well last year when I got pregnant, and I had so much hope for our family life after the baby was born. But ever since a major relapse last September, things have not been the same. His recovery has been very up and down. I've seen addict mode like I've never seen before, and there was a brief period where he went into hiding things from me again.

There are days when I really question everything. I don't have answers, but as I study the scriptures and talks from General Conference, I just keep feeling peace. As hard as some days are, I know I'm supposed to be with Ben. I don't know if that will ever change, but I'm holding on to what I know to be true right now and doing my best to stay close to God (and that precious time I used to spend studying my scriptures and praying every day is much harder to come by now that I have a child who is very needy and clingy).

We are preparing for some new life changes that we hope will have a very positive impact on the addiction and his recovery. It's hard to make big decisions, but through prayer, we can find the answer that is right for us.

As for me and my own recovery? I feel like I'm in a pretty good place right now. I feel so busy and engaged with our son, that it's much easier for me to detach from the addiction and let Ben make the choices to do what he needs to do (or not do--and that's not on me). I'm trying to be present for myself, my son, and Ben while maintaining boundaries and being strong for myself and my son. I'm trying to have faith, hope, and peace.

One thing that has really struck me recently is the fact that I AM OKAY. He still acts out in his addiction, but I am okay. I can see the addiction for what it is. I can see Ben for who he is. I can see when the addiction is rearing it's head (most of the time...), and I can maintain boundaries and not lose sight of who I am.

Most of the time (I say most because I'm certainly not perfect in this area), I can see my value and beauty. I know who I am and I strive to live up to my potential and not let the addiction bring me down.

I don't know what lies ahead, but I do know we are in God's hands. He will guide us to safety, but we have to follow Him. For our family to stay together, we both have to follow Him. So I really hope that Ben continues on his path to recovery and that it becomes less rocky with time. I have hope.

"Advice to My Younger Self"

In December, I had the opportunity to participate in a video project put on by the LDS Church. I flew to Salt Lake City, and with other amazing, strong women, I was recorded reading a letter with "Advice to My Younger Self"--what I wish I knew when I first found out about the addiction, my perspective now.

Being there with these amazing women was incredible. I felt so blessed in numerous ways to have this opportunity. The Spirit was strong, and I knew I was a part of something special.

The videos are posted on the Church's addiction recovery website.

Here is the link to my letter in print.

Here is the link to my video.

Here is the compiled video (snippets from everyone's videos). It's simply beautiful.

I'd encourage you to check out all the videos. Each person has unique perspective because of their own situations. There are even videos for parents of addicts.

This project was to provide another resource for people just finding out about the addiction. It's helped strengthen me, and I've been on this road for four years. I KNOW it will be a strength to those new to this. Please share

What does it mean to be healed?

I didn't realize I was super struggling today until I started writing in my journal. Then, all the thoughts and pains slipped out in the form of tears.

I had no motivation to do anything this morning, but then this little feeling kicked me out of bed and led me to grab my Healing Through Christ journal and read through everything I've written for step 2.

Step 2 is "Come to believe that the power of God can restore us to spiritual and emotional health."

At first, that was really comforting. But then, I was like, WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?

What does it mean that I can be restored completely, to be healed?

I'll tell you what it doesn't mean.

It doesn't mean I will be never feel this pain.

It doesn't mean I will forget what I have gone through.

And it certainly doesn't mean I will not feel pain every time Ben acts out in his addiction. It doesn't mean that.

I think it means that God will strengthen me and give me resiliency so this doesn't keep me down. When I am healed, I will have a firm faith in Him. I will be able to use this pain for good. I will be stronger. I will have scars, but that's all they will be: scars. They won't keep me down. When I am healed, I will be at my fullest potential, and I will be able to do anything because of Him.

Healing takes time. It's a process, a journey. There will be stumbles on the way, so I have to be patient on the journey.

I have to believe that eventually, I will be restored to spiritual and emotional health. I will be healthy. I will be resilient and beautiful, and I won't live in a state of depression and fear. I'm on my way there, I know it. I don't know when I'll get there, but I will. I can be healed.

Relapses, Processing, and Recovery Music

Sometimes the sucky things happen first thing in the morning. Sometimes you just can't deal and other times, you can see clearly and choose to take the necessary steps to help the day move along a little happier. I'm grateful I am currently in a place that is relatively in between. I know the moments I just can't deal, and in those moments, I take a little break from life to either numb (not the best option, but it happens), or process.

This morning I processed.

That processing happened as I reached out to friends who helped me see clearly. I wrote my thoughts and feelings. And I prepared things to burn at Camp Scabs this coming weekend.

As I got ready for church, I listened to my favorite recovery songs. Music is my soul food. My recovery music ALWAYS helps.

And I think until I leave for Camp Scabs, I am going to post recovery music that lifts me. Hopefully it will lift you too.


First, watch this video by Katherine Nelson. Her album "Born Brave" is one of my favorite albums ever. This album is dedicated to women and the hard things we face. In this video, she talks about the album, why it was created, and reads her statement that goes with the album.

The whole album is great, but my favorite songs are: Born, We Are, Soldier Girls, Good for Me, What's Mine Is Yours, and Brave [the bolded ones are my double favorites!].

If you click here, you can read a back story behind each song, listen to a clip, and read the lyrics. If you're in the mood for some good stories and pick-me-up music, I would encourage you to do this :) I would share some of my favorite lines from the songs, but I think that would make this post really long. And besides, everyone has different parts of songs that stick out and are meaningful to them. You can find your own parts in her songs.

Seriously. DO IT!

Most of them are not on YouTube, but these two are. So, enjoy these full songs!

Soldier Girls

What's Mine Is Yours

Maintaining My Recovery

The group I attend in Texas is on Sunday nights. I don't really love that because I always selfishly want Sundays to be about spending more time with Ben...but I determined that I would attend group here regularly. Because I need to. I really need to, and I recognize that. (insert exasperated sigh) It's just so easy to come up with excuses not to go, and the fact that it's on Sunday is one of those easy excuses. "I need time with Ben. I'm healing my marriage," is one of the tricks Satan uses to talk me out of going. That, and yesterday, there was the fact that it was Easter.

I went back and forth all day about going to group or not. Because it was Easter. "There might not be many people there. Or maybe it's supposed to be cancelled, but they forgot to tell us last week. So I'll drive 25 minutes and the church will be locked." Excuses, excuses. Then, Ben was having a hard time, and I co-dependently wanted him to tell me he needed me to stay home so I could use that as an excuse. Except when I realized I was not being true to myself, I took a moment to really think about why I didn't want to go to group. The plain and simple truth was that I was afraid of going because it's still a new group. And I was being lazy because it's a 25 minute drive. So I said a little prayer in my heart asking for guidance, and I felt like I needed to be there.

I needed to be there, and I'm so glad I went. There was no better way that I could have honored Christ on the Sabbath, and especially on Easter.

One reason I needed to be there was because we had a new attendee. It was her first group experience EVER, as she had discovered the porn just a week ago. I was able to have a really good conversation with her and bear testimony of the hand of God in my life--my recovery, my husband's recovery, and OUR recovery. I was able to bear testimony of so much, and it was a really powerful experience for me (and I hope it was for her as well).

Another reason I needed to be there was because we studied step 10--my favorite. Well, they are all my favorites, but step 10 was my favorite last night.

I love step 10 because it is a gentle reminder and application of ALL THE STEPS. It's a reminder that we need to hold ourselves accountable on a daily basis.

I kind of stopped working the steps because I was really depressed. And, I'll be honest, I really struggled with my group in Arkansas because it was so small and I felt like I wasn't getting much out of it. I was just in a bad place and had a hard time finding my way out.

The "bad place" comes and goes. I really fought it last week. Bad. It was a chore to get up and get dressed every day. I counted the fact that I woke up as an accomplishment. And if I did the dishes or made dinner it was an accomplishment. Sometimes we have weeks like that, and we really need them. I know I am mourning and grieving still, and it was necessary for me to have that time last week to process. I don't regret needing that time to process or feel depressed. But I did behave in ways, on occasion, that were mean. I use depression and PMS as an excuse to be mean, and it's not okay. SO...

How much different could my week have been had I been applying the 12 steps?

I know the 12 steps don't always strike everyone's hearts like they do mine, but I have a firm testimony in them. It is my personal belief that no matter what you say, we all need and use the 12 steps (it's a powerful tool to recovery when combined with the other tools out there. I certainly don't think there is any one way for anybody to recover). Even if it's subconscious. I mean, the only true way to "come unto Christ and be perfected in Him" is through the process of understanding that we are not in control of our lives, hoping in God's power to restore us to complete spiritual health, deciding to turn our life over to Him, experiencing a change of heart, being humble, seeking forgiveness and repentance, practicing the principles of the gospel on a daily basis, seeking and carrying out the Lord's will in our lives, and giving service. No matter what your circumstance may be.

I am very familiar with the pattern of the 12 steps. I am familiar with the message and power they give me. I am familiar with the process of carrying them out, and yet I still forget about them. More especially, I still forget about daily accountability.

I was reminded recently (in a church talk or lesson? The book I just finished reading? I don't know) that Jesus Christ is supposed to be my best friend. I need to be turning to Him before I turn anywhere else. When I am struggling with the depression, pain, anxiety, and grieving that has been caused by this addiction, I need to turn to Him first. I have many ways of processing, but when I humble myself and ask for His help, I always pull out of the depression faster. Always. And that should really be the first step I take to get out of the "rut." Sometimes it takes me days before I turn to Him because I still harbor that pride saying, "I can do this on my own." Sometimes it takes me hours. Sometimes I know I need to be humble, so I will attempt humility, but it's not truly in my heart (which doesn't work that well, but does work better than no attempt at all). Regardless, I know without a doubt that God has always heard and answered my prayers when I turn to Him humbly with full purpose of heart.

That brings me back to my question: How much different could my week have been had I been applying the 12 steps? Specifically Step 10: Daily Accountability?

As we studied and discussed this chapter last night, it was like a nice slap in the face. It was a gentle reminder of truths I desperately needed to hear. It was full of guidance I need for future weeks:

"The first nine steps helped you learn a pattern of life based on spiritual principles. These principles now become the foundation on which you build for the rest of your life...The final three steps will help you maintain your new spiritually minded way of life, so they are often called the maintenance steps."

"Self-evaluation..."

"...maintaining a mighty change of heart takes effort."

"To retain what you have gained, you must stay in fit spiritual condition."

"Continue to watch for pride in all its forms, and humbly take your weaknesses to your Heavenly Father."

"If you feel worried, self-pitying, trouble, anxious, resentful, carnal minded, or fearful in any way, turn immediately to the Father and allow Him to replace these thoughts with peace."

I need to ask Heavenly Father to remove my negative thoughts and feelings.

I need to examine my motives. And sometimes they are not pure. Sometimes I am manipulative. Because I'm hurting.

Am I taking care of my basic spiritual, emotional, and physical needs? (Self care! Boom!)

Do I serve others?

I need to be alert for old thinking patterns and behaviors during highly stressful situations.

"The Lord has all power. I'll relax and trust Him."

"Cast aside pride and remind yourself that sincerely saying 'I was wrong' is often just as important in healing a relationship as saying 'I love you.'" This especially applies to me--because, believe it or not, I do enough wrong in our relationship. And I harbor lots of pride because Ben is the one who should be apologizing to me regularly, right? Nope. I still need to recognize what I am doing wrong.

Before I go to bed, I need to examine my entire day and counsel with the Lord.

I will continue to make mistakes, but by committing to step 10, I am committing to take full responsibility for my mistakes.

I can't just sit back and ride along. If I live my life that way, I won't get very far. Sitting back for the ride has its place and is necessary sometimes, but I'm getting to the point where sitting back and riding the emotions isn't going to cut it much longer. It's certainly been helpful, and I know I will still need that practice at times in the future, but I need to make serious effort to living my life the way it needs to be lived or my recovery and healing. I need to adhere to the principles I know will bring me to Christ. I need to maintain my recovery. To do that, I need self-evaluation. I need humility and repentance. I need to stay in "fit spiritual condition." And humility. I need to turn to the Father and allow Him to replace my negative thoughts with peace. I need self-care. And service. I need to be alert. And trust God. I need to counsel with God--morning and evening. I need to bring Him into my life like He is my best friend.

All of this is easier said than done. But I'm working on wholehearted healing, people! These are the things I need to be doing to experience true healing and a closer relationship with my Savior.

Right now I'm full of light, hope, and energy. I know it changes daily--sometimes hourly. It's all part of the healing process. But these days, I am finding more hope and light than despair and darkness. I hope to keep it that way. And I can--if I follow the maintenance steps, which basically means I follow all the steps. And live with them close to my heart. Daily.

Our Recovery: Part 3 of "Our Recovery"

Credit

I've been kind of quiet on here for the past week. That's because I was preparing to make the big move... Yep. I'm officially in Texas with Ben. And we are officially working on our recovery.

I'll be honest and say I'm not a pro at this "our recovery" thing because I am in the thick of it. I can't look back and say THIS IS WHAT WORKS--DO THIS!!! because I'm not through it. I'm still in it. Besides, there is no one thing that works. Everyone is different. Every individual recovery is different, and every couple's recovery will be different.

That being said, these are my ideas and generalizations about what I have found to work and theories about what can work. I do have a few years of experience working on our recovery, and I've certainly found things that do and don't work (for us). As always, I'm not saying this is 100% what you need to do. Because it's not. This is about what I've found to work from my experience and what I've heard friends say. But, like I said, there is no one thing that works.

Please feel free to add additional ideas and thoughts in the comments. I'm sure people reading this could use more than just what I have to say.

Our Recovery

It's important to note that in the past, when I've only focused on us and our recovery, things haven't worked out super well. I mean, I guess things work out okay for us for a time, but then the stress of everything takes its toll. If I'm not taking care of my recovery, our relationship will suffer. The same goes for him, especially since he is the addict. If he is not taking care of his recovery, the relationship will suffer. He needs to be in recovery. If he is not in recovery, then our life consists of him committing adultery (in his head...porn/masturbation/fantasies/lust), lies, deceit, manipulation, and all the other fun stuff addiction comes with. Then our life consists of me hating the addiction and, in turn, my loss of love for him. And eventually, I would give up because it just wouldn't be worth it.

Some people can accept the fantasyland, though. Or some people can accept it for now because they hope in the future, things will change. It all depends on your expectations, desires, and hopes. We all have our own expectations for our marriage, and that is okay and normal (we are, after all, individuals). I can't accept it, and if he is not in recovery--which is crucial to me and my ideas of our recovery--then our marriage is in jeopardy.

If I am not in recovery, then I'm just giving, giving, giving and losing myself in the marriage. Or maybe I'm living in constant fear and losing myself. There are so many consequences of me not living in recovery.

What it comes down to for me is that we both need to have solid, individual recovery underway for any efforts towards our recovery to work.

Right now, I'm in recovery. I'm taking a break from life to be in full-fledged recovery and get my feet under me, something I know I am extremely blessed to be able to do.

Ben is also in recovery. He is working recovery like I have never seen before. He has had a change of heart, and I have a lot of hope for us.

The feelings and emotions I have about where we are right now are a different post for another day. The gist of it is, though, that we have been in a bad place recently. As written, he completely broke me and my idea of what our marriage has been. In February, I suffered through a horrible disclosure (which was part of his change of heart--to tell me so many things he had consistently lied about since we were dating), and everything came crashing down around me. I went into a severe depression and set new boundaries (also another post).

I just moved back in with him. We were separated for two months. The separation was due to his new job, which was a tremendous blessing (also another post. Haha) both for the money and the timing of separation. During that two months, he had time to really evaluate what he wanted from his life and what he wanted with the addiction. He spiraled down (and I pray it was rock bottom), and now we are on the upward climb. Together.

When he decided to choose recovery, we agreed on one month to continue living apart. During that time, we could both get our recoveries underway. He found a sponsor (something I've begged him to do for at least two years) and is living with a recovery mind-set.

The one month came and went, and now we are back together. But after living through hell and living apart for two months (which, I realized, is a lot longer than it sounds. We got out of many habits, and I started turning to other people as my primary sources of support and love), we are out of practice of being married. Or at least that is how it feels to me.

These are the keys to our recovery:

--First, you (both) have to choose recovery: If your heart isn't in it and you aren't willing to make sacrifices for the relationship's recovery, it won't work. I've learned that from experience. He may want recovery, but if I'm not willing to give the relationship a shot, no matter how many motions I go through, we will not be in recovery. That doesn't mean don't be safe and hold to your boundaries. It just means choose recovery.

--Boundaries: Boundaries are so important to our relationship. I think we both need boundaries to respect the privacy of our individual recoveries but also to protect our relationship and bring us closer together. For example, one boundary that I think needs to be in place (maybe not now, but at some point as he gains more trust) is that we are both each other's #1s. That is a boundary that would protect our relationship. Ideally, I would be going to him first about everything. I used to, but as our relationship was broken down, I stopped. Now I have specific support people I go to first about somethings. I want it to be him. If he is my husband, he should be my #1.

--Vulnerability/Emotional Intimacy: Vulnerability is hard. Being vulnerable means you will experience pain, heartache, and fear. But it also means you can experience higher levels of the positive emotions too, like love and trust. This doesn't mean we are 100% vulnerable all the time. As we are a little bit vulnerable, we gain a little bit of trust. That trust opens the door to more vulnerability, which opens the door to more trust. I've already seen this working in our marriage, and even though my heart has been broken, stomped on, and tossed in the trash (dramatic, anyone?), I'm feeling healing taking place as I step a little out of my comfort zone to be a little more vulnerable every day.

--Respect: We need to respect our individual recoveries and the time that must be spent there so we can both be made whole. We need to respect our boundaries. And we need to respect the vulnerability and each other's emotions. As we respect each other, we will gain love and trust.

--Service: I've heard it said that you love those you serve. Well, okay, I've also experienced that so it's totally true to me. You love those you serve. When I did the Love Dare last summer, it really helped increase my love for Ben. When I taught high school, I really loved my students. When I served in young women's, I loved my Miamaids. When I've given service of any kind, I have truly loved those I've served. As trust is gained, I will serve him more (and I hope he will serve me more too). It helps me put focus on him and forget about me a little bit. It has increased my love for him in the past, so I know it will prove useful as we work on our recovery.

I tried to think of more keys to our recovery, but as I thought, everything I came up with falls into the categories I've already created or comes as a result of those categories.

So, let me just tell you my story of how I've decided to approach our recovery as I moved back in:



I had a nice six-hour drive to think about things as I left Arkansas and drove to Texas. During the drive, I kept asking myself, and God, what I needed to do. I was so afraid (I'm still afraid) of our relationship and what it would bring. As I thought, the conclusion I came to is that we need to start over. 

Last week, while talking on the phone, I asked Ben what he thought were reasonable expectations, given where he is in recovery and the things our marriage has suffered through. His response was, "Well, I think it's reasonable for you to expect zero tolerance of the addiction. I've used so many excuses in the past, and I have none left. I have to be in recovery, and I have to live addiction-free."

I'm glad he recognized that because if he had made excuses, I don't know what I would have done. It was very vulnerable of me to even pose that question, and we had a good conversation out of it.

So, since we are living zero-tolerance of the addiction, and since I have suffered in so many ways, and I have been feeling like our love is lost, I decided it's time to start over. I fell in love with him once, right? I could do it again.

Friday night, we went on a date [by the way, if you've been following my blog, I guess now is a good time to tell you I moved Friday instead of Thursday. Just so you aren't confused.]. We live a mile from Chuy's, so we walked there and talked. Back when we were dating, we always went on walks and had good conversations. That was one of the things I loved: we always had something to talk about. And he was super easy to talk to (except for our first date, which was super awkward and he grilled me). On our date, we discussed boundaries.

As a boundary, I told him we are starting over. We were now officially in the dating stage, and this was our first date. We didn't really hold hands or anything (I mean, seriously, that would be so forward for a first date :D). We just talked and laughed and had a really good time. We rented the new Thor movie on Redbox, and he kind of put his arm around me towards the end of the movie, and I kind of leaned into him a little bit--but not for very long because it freaked me out a little.

Since that "first date", we have taken things rather slowly (to me. I mean we are married, so it's going a little quicker than a real dating relationship probably would). We have had good conversations. We have been emotionally intimate, vulnerable, and present. We have shown respect for each other. Things are progressing well. I still have to be careful and steady with the progression of things. But "starting over" has taken pressure off the table for physical intimacy and made the other things that build a good relationship a priority.

I feel like this plan generates a lot of hope. I think over time, as we choose each other, enforce boundaries, are vulnerable, treat each other with respect, and give service to one another, we will feel the desire to choose each other grow stronger every day. We are still in a rough position. And I'm kind of impatient, so I keep asking myself how long this dating stage will last. I want more (which is good because that tells me the plan for recovery and love is working), but I also know that my heart is still broken and my trust shattered, so I HAVE to be patient and let things heal with time.

There is no rush to recovery. We just have to take it one day at a time and know that God is guiding and directing us. 

Oh I guess I should mention prayers/scripture study/family home evening. Those are very intimate and vulnerable things, and we did not do them together when we were dating. So while we are "dating" we will grow our friendship and desire to be together. And when the trust and healing comes stronger, we will add in those things. I know it's important to keep God in our relationship. Trust me, I've had plenty of people tell me that. We are doing that as we pray together at night, and I pray for him in my personal prayers. But I'm not being that vulnerable with him yet, and I think that is perfectly fine for our situation.

Anyway, I have hope for our marriage. And every time I admit that I feel super vulnerable.
Things are healing. That's all I can ask for.


Read Part 1: His Recovery, here
Read Part 2: My Recovery, here

My Recovery: Part 2 of "Our Recovery"

Credit

My recovery is crucial for many reasons. The most important reason, though, is because I am important. I deserve recovery. I deserve to find peace and healing.

I've been in recovery for three years. I still have quite a way to go, but I'm making progress and have hope for the future. Whether or not my future is with Ben, I'm not 100% sure (although I will say that I believe I will have the privilege of being his spouse for eternity). It doesn't matter right now what my future holds with him. What matters is that I find a life where I can live in peace and healing. Even if he doesn't find that for himself (but he is getting there, and he knows what he needs to do to achieve recovery).

What does the spouse (me) need to recover? What do we need to find that peace and healing?

Granted, I'm only one lady, but from my experience with other fabulous women who are in the same or similar positions as me, this post is about what I've learned is necessary for my recovery.
This list isn't in any particular order. It's just what came into my head as I brainstormed the elements of my recovery:

understanding addiction
I think if we don't understand the addiction, there isn't much hope. The more I understand the addiction, the easier it is for me to recognize that this has nothing to do with me. The more I understand the addiction, the easier it is for me to detach when necessary. The more I understand addiction, the easier it is for me to understand that it isn't a matter of "Just decide to stop. Stop doing this to me. Stop doing this to yourself. You're ruining your life..." but a matter of brain damage, needing counseling, and needing healing--both spiritually and physically. As I learn about and gain understanding of the addiction, I learn what realistic expectations are as we fight this (as in, he can't do this on his own, and the decision to "just stop" isn't very logical until many other battles have been fought), and I realize there is hope. It's going to be a long road towards full healing, but it can be done.

developing boundaries
Boundaries are crucial to my healing. Boundaries keep me safe because help me have control over my safety. Some people think boundaries are about control: and they are. They are about controlling me and my safety. They aren't about controlling him, though. He can do whatever he wants. But there will be consequences, and I will keep myself safe.

 Boundaries also help me realize my worth and that I am not one to be trampled on. [post on my new boundaries coming next week]

working recovery programs 
From what I've seen, working some kind of recovery program is very beneficial to recovery. We can't do it on our own. We need professionals who have been trained and understand what they are dealing with. The recovery programs I've done consist of my LDS 12-step program, Healing Through Christ, and the free 6-week ADDO program. I've learned tons from both 12-step and ADDO. They have helped me with my spiritual healing along with the physical healing. Both are necessary components to my overall wellness. I know I couldn't do this without recovery programs. That is because I don't have the tools or knowledge to do this on my own.

understanding betrayal trauma and post-traumatic stress disorder
Read. Learn. Understand. Learning about BT and PTSD will help you understand yourself. You will be able to understand why you are so angry, why you can't trust, why that cute girl in the bikini at the beach triggered you so. You will develop ways to cope and treat yourself with love. So learn. Learn about everything.

seeing a counselor
I put this off for a long time. I didn't think we could afford it, and I thought I could do it on my own. It wasn't until I got desperate that I sought counseling. Don't wait until you are desperate. Had I waited any longer, I might have driven into oncoming traffic...I know that is dramatic, but that is how bad the trauma became. I just couldn't go on.

Since I started seeing a counselor, I've learned so much. I've received validation and support in ways I didn't expect. I've learned how to deal with the stress and allow myself to mourn. I've learned how to better offer myself care and compassion. Seeing a counselor is a game-changer and will speed up the recovery process from what it would be without a counselor.

offering yourself care and compassion
Self-care: "the process by which you consciously and deliberately take care of your basic and fundamental spiritual, emotional, physical, social and educational needs.You ensure that you are taking care of your whole self" (definition via Harriet). Self-care is a must. As you treat yourself with the care you need, the elements that make up overall wellness will become whole again. It may take time, but you will become more whole as you take care of your needs. You are important and deserve time and attention to meet your needs.
-My self-care includes meditating, studying scriptures, prayer, exercise, painting, sewing, cooking, eating, being with friends, and learning.

Self-compassion: extending compassion and kindness to yourself, especially when you are hurting or negative-self-talk threatens your brain. I've had to offer self-compassion on many occasions, and it's amazing how it can change the game. Sometimes I have to think about it in the perspective of "If I were my friend, and I came to me with this problem, what would I say to that friend?" Sometimes it comes in the form of writing myself letters. Sometimes it's a simple, "No, you are not fat. You are not ugly. How dare you think that about yourself?" kind of thing. Sometimes it's, "Wow, you are really going through a lot. It's okay to cry. It's okay to be mad. The way you feel right now is a normal reaction." Being compassionate with myself has given me the ability to heal in that emotional, vulnerable place that is hard to get to.

prayer: turning to a higher power
I can't do this on my own. For one thing, if I believed there was no higher power, that there was no greater purpose, I'd probably just end my life. Okay, that is dramatic. There would still be much to live for, but there is so much more to live for then just what is here and now. I have a firm believe in a higher power and purpose. I learn through prayer. I learn through conversing with my God and discovering His plan for me. I turn over my cares and worries to Him. He knows about all my fears and anxieties. He is always there for me, and I love Him for it. I know I can always turn to Him, and I do so on a regular basis with gratitude in my heart.

understanding the grief cycle
When you understand the grief cycle, you will understand yourself a little better. You will also be able to offer yourself care and compassion for the stages you find yourself in.

being vulnerable
Vulnerability is hard. It's scary. But it's necessary for healing. That doesn't mean you jump right on the vulnerability train with your husband too soon after he has hurt you. Until it is safe to be vulnerable with him, there are others you can be vulnerable with: your support circle and yourself.

-Being vulnerable with others has helped me to own my story and feel real. I don't like feeling like I'm hiding things, and opening up has made it easier to find support. I have quite the chain of support people that I can contact when I need help. Being vulnerable with others has also helped me learn about those around me, develop better compassion, and become a support to them. Along with that, being vulnerable with others has helped me build bridges in places that have been burned because of misunderstandings.

-Being vulnerable with myself has helped me understand exactly what is going on inside me. As I gain understanding of myself, I've learned how to deal with and cope with my struggles. I've been able to own my story and find my truth and reality. And I've found healing in all of those things I've gained from vulnerability.

-Being vulnerable with my husband has created healing in our relationship. Like I said, it can't come too soon. But as you open up and are vulnerable one step at at time, healing does take place for each of us individually and for both of us together.

learning to forgive
Forgiveness isn't for the person who wronged me: it's for me. Forgiveness also doesn't come easily. It's a process that requires patience, compassion, and love. Learning to forgive is hard, but it is also necessary for my heart to be fully healed. My forgiveness isn't dependent on my husband's ability to apologize or grovel, and it isn't necessary for his healing. My forgiveness of him is necessary for my heart to become whole. My forgiveness of the situation is a reflection of the peace and healing that is taking place in my heart.

Forgiveness is hard. Don't get me wrong. I'm in a position where I haven't fully forgiven him for things currently going on. That's why I said learning to forgive. It's learning. It's a process that only you can figure out for yourself. And I know it will bring an added measure of healing when I get there, like it has done in the past.

reaching out
We aren't alone. There are tons of women all over the world suffering from betrayal trauma. Reaching out is healing in both directions: for me and the person I'm reaching out to. Reaching out fills my heart with gratitude and love. It's been the base of my support-circle. Reaching out has worked miracles in my life and heart.

Reach out for help.
Reach out to offer help.
Reach out so you don't feel alone.



Read Part 1: His Recovery, here 
Read Part 3: Our Recovery, here

His Recovery: Part 1 of "Our Recovery"

Credit

We are in a hard place right now. We are in desperate need of some "real" recovery--for each of us individually and within our relationship.

To experience the fullest healing, there are three aspects of recovery that must be addressed: his, mine, and ours. I've learned through this whole journey that without each of these elements in recovery, healing won't come in its fullest capacity. These three elements all depend and build upon one another.

If he is not in real recovery (or at least attempting effort), my recovery (and I know that sounds co-dependent) is at stake. That is because of betrayal trauma. If he is not in recovery, or attempting recovery, the relapses, lies, and disclosures will become too much. I know they make me feel crazy, even when I am really working on my healing. Think of it this way: it's hard to recover from any kind of injury when someone keeps re-breaking it every time it starts to heal. Once re-broken, the wound becomes fresh. Thus, the process of healing must start over. With that perspective, it seems to me that no matter what, an addict's lack of recovery will have an impact on the spouse and their relationship together. That doesn't necessarily mean if the addict isn't in recovery, the spouse can't find healing. But it may delay her healing, cause strict boundaries to be put in place, and possibly prevent the relationship from healing.

The same thing goes for if I am not in recovery. If I am not recovery, even if he is, it will have a huge impact on him and us. If I decided not to work on my healing, despite his own recovery efforts (for whatever reason, although I'd probably claim anger and resentment as a main cause), I wouldn't be able to forgive or trust again. Forgiveness and trust are key elements for healing in a broken marriage. And I'd certainly classify my marriage as broken right now.

With that said, I will now begin a three-part series about each aspect of recovery: His Recovery, My Recovery, and Our Recovery.

His Recovery

His recovery is vital. I could in no way describe what the addict's recovery entails, so I've asked Ben to take over this part of my post. And now I step down and let him do the talking.

The basis of my recovery must be the antithesis of the life I have lead thus far. Pride, selfishness, shame, and dishonesty all have to go--and not just pertaining to the addiction. Recovery must become my way of life. For example, being honest about when I relapse is an essential component of my recovery, but if I am dishonest with my wife about how I spend our money, I am not living in recovery.

The same goes for pride, selfishness and shame. If I’m not seeking to be humble, selfless and forgiving of myself and others in every aspect of my life, I’m never going to reach my goal.

This is something that has, sadly, taken me years to realize--but learning it has made all the difference in how I approach recovery. While attended an ARP group in Arkansas, I heard over and over again from one of the missionaries that every member of the church should be working the 12 steps, because the pattern of the 12 steps is really the pattern we must follow to come unto Christ.

Each step, though the wording is directed to those in addiction, is indeed essential to the repentance of any one of us, whether our sins be great or small.  

Another important aspect of my recovery is the motivation behind it. Am I doing this for my wife? Am I doing it because I know it’s bad? Or am I doing it because I love the Lord and am desperate to live my life in a way to show Him that? I have tried all three approaches, and the only one that has had any lasting effect on me is the third. The reason is because that is the only motivation that actually leads me to seek healing for the underlying causes of my addiction. It’s also the only one that has the power to give that healing.

That being said, I am still motivated to overcome this for Kilee’s sake and for the sake of our marriage. I have learned, though, that if I do this for the Lord, He will take care of our marriage as long as we are both working recovery.

Knowledge is another key to working true recovery.

In order to start a true recovery, a thorough understanding of the addiction, as well as your relationship with Heavenly Father, are completely essential. Step 4 gives you a chance to do an inventory and go back in time and dig deep into the root causes of your addiction. You come to know what triggers you emotionally and why. For me, the physical and emotional triggers began when I was only 6 or 7 years old, long before I could cognitively understand the consequences and effects of my actions. It’s hard for me now, then, if I am being completely honest with myself, to allow the shame cycle to go too far, because this is definitely not something I voluntarily started into with full knowledge. And even when I had full knowledge of the consequences of my actions, it was still years before I finally had the proper tools to work recovery.

You then come to understand the physiological aspects of addiction--the things that go on inside your brain that have been repeated so much that it’s no longer a matter of willpower to overcome. This has also been a huge weapon for me in combating my addiction because I know much better now what I can do to overcome it. If I give in, I can trace back to why and I can put things in place to prevent it from happening again.

Beyond those basics, it is difficult for me to prescribe a certain set of rules to live by while working your own recovery. In my experience, each and every one of us is different. I have read that the only common attribute among those who have overcome their addiction is that they never gave up.

There are some things I do in my recovery that other people don’t think are necessary. However, there are also things I don’t do in my recovery that others wouldn’t be able to survive without. So the most important thing, in my mind, is that you strive to make your recovery Christ-focused and that you base it on the principles outlined in the 12 steps. In all of this, honesty must reign supreme. Honesty with your spouse is important, but even more important is honesty with yourself. Are there some things you aren’t doing because they don’t help you? Or is it simply because you don’t want to? Are you really working recovery to the best of your ability? Or are you holding back? Are you living your life conscious of what’s at stake? Or are you trying to fly by the seat of your pants?

Recovery is powerful, but it’s also the hardest thing I’ve ever done. There are times when I feel like I want to give up, but in those times, I am grateful to have the Spirit whisper truth to my heart, and that truth is that I will never find joy in the same capacity as I can know it through recovery. I will never find the happiness I know is available for those who keep God’s commandments if I give in. This weakness is something that has pushed me to my emotional and spiritual limits, but it’s also the one thing that has brought me closer to God than anything else in my life, and the more I work recovery, the more that becomes apparent to me.


Read Part 2: My Recovery, here
Read Part 3: Our Recovery, here