Enduring Well

D&C 121: 1, 6-8

(my plea) 
1 O God, where art thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth thy hiding place?
6 Remember thy suffering saints, O our God; and thy servants will rejoice in thy name forever.
(God's response) 
7 My [daughter] peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment.
8 And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; and thou shalt triumph over all thy foes.

Yesterday I went to the temple. It was a beautiful experience--exactly what I needed. I found peace, inspiration, and guidance for many questions and trials I'm facing.

As I sat, studying scriptures and pondering, at the end of my session, I was led to these verses. They HIT me with full force. But the thing that struck me the most was verse 8: "if thou endure it well."

I don't know about you, but I put a lot of pressure on myself to endure things perfectly. I am a perfectionist, something I get from my dad and my controlling nature, and I have hard time settling for okay, well, or good-enough. I want perfection.

I put pressure on myself to get through all my trials with perfection. I compare myself to others suffering similar trials and wonder why they can do it with magnificence while I am here feeling like a chicken with its head cut off.

The thing is, everyone's trials and abilities are different. No one is the same. I can't compare myself to others or I will go crazy. I know that, but I still do it, unfortunately. The great thing about these verses, is it takes pressure off perfectionism. God doesn't want me to be perfect or endure perfectly. He wants me to endure well. He knows my situation. He knows everything I am facing. He knows my depressions and anxieties, and He knows how they affect my abilities. Well is relative to my situation and abilities. It's relative to everyone. Everyone's ability to endure well is different. 

Lesson learned? Stop comparing myself to others and just do my best with what I have to work with. God accepts my sacrifice. He accepts my enduring well. So why can't I? Patience, Kilee. Patience. 

Also, these trials are a small moment in time compared to the eternal scheme of things. Big sigh of relief. Perspective helps me get through one day at a time.

Accepting myself and my abilities to cope, along with learning how to become better through God, is part of my quest for wholeness. I felt whole at the temple. Nothing mattered except God, me, and my relationship with Ben.

One day at a time.

My Recovery: Part 2 of "Our Recovery"

Credit

My recovery is crucial for many reasons. The most important reason, though, is because I am important. I deserve recovery. I deserve to find peace and healing.

I've been in recovery for three years. I still have quite a way to go, but I'm making progress and have hope for the future. Whether or not my future is with Ben, I'm not 100% sure (although I will say that I believe I will have the privilege of being his spouse for eternity). It doesn't matter right now what my future holds with him. What matters is that I find a life where I can live in peace and healing. Even if he doesn't find that for himself (but he is getting there, and he knows what he needs to do to achieve recovery).

What does the spouse (me) need to recover? What do we need to find that peace and healing?

Granted, I'm only one lady, but from my experience with other fabulous women who are in the same or similar positions as me, this post is about what I've learned is necessary for my recovery.
This list isn't in any particular order. It's just what came into my head as I brainstormed the elements of my recovery:

understanding addiction
I think if we don't understand the addiction, there isn't much hope. The more I understand the addiction, the easier it is for me to recognize that this has nothing to do with me. The more I understand the addiction, the easier it is for me to detach when necessary. The more I understand addiction, the easier it is for me to understand that it isn't a matter of "Just decide to stop. Stop doing this to me. Stop doing this to yourself. You're ruining your life..." but a matter of brain damage, needing counseling, and needing healing--both spiritually and physically. As I learn about and gain understanding of the addiction, I learn what realistic expectations are as we fight this (as in, he can't do this on his own, and the decision to "just stop" isn't very logical until many other battles have been fought), and I realize there is hope. It's going to be a long road towards full healing, but it can be done.

developing boundaries
Boundaries are crucial to my healing. Boundaries keep me safe because help me have control over my safety. Some people think boundaries are about control: and they are. They are about controlling me and my safety. They aren't about controlling him, though. He can do whatever he wants. But there will be consequences, and I will keep myself safe.

 Boundaries also help me realize my worth and that I am not one to be trampled on. [post on my new boundaries coming next week]

working recovery programs 
From what I've seen, working some kind of recovery program is very beneficial to recovery. We can't do it on our own. We need professionals who have been trained and understand what they are dealing with. The recovery programs I've done consist of my LDS 12-step program, Healing Through Christ, and the free 6-week ADDO program. I've learned tons from both 12-step and ADDO. They have helped me with my spiritual healing along with the physical healing. Both are necessary components to my overall wellness. I know I couldn't do this without recovery programs. That is because I don't have the tools or knowledge to do this on my own.

understanding betrayal trauma and post-traumatic stress disorder
Read. Learn. Understand. Learning about BT and PTSD will help you understand yourself. You will be able to understand why you are so angry, why you can't trust, why that cute girl in the bikini at the beach triggered you so. You will develop ways to cope and treat yourself with love. So learn. Learn about everything.

seeing a counselor
I put this off for a long time. I didn't think we could afford it, and I thought I could do it on my own. It wasn't until I got desperate that I sought counseling. Don't wait until you are desperate. Had I waited any longer, I might have driven into oncoming traffic...I know that is dramatic, but that is how bad the trauma became. I just couldn't go on.

Since I started seeing a counselor, I've learned so much. I've received validation and support in ways I didn't expect. I've learned how to deal with the stress and allow myself to mourn. I've learned how to better offer myself care and compassion. Seeing a counselor is a game-changer and will speed up the recovery process from what it would be without a counselor.

offering yourself care and compassion
Self-care: "the process by which you consciously and deliberately take care of your basic and fundamental spiritual, emotional, physical, social and educational needs.You ensure that you are taking care of your whole self" (definition via Harriet). Self-care is a must. As you treat yourself with the care you need, the elements that make up overall wellness will become whole again. It may take time, but you will become more whole as you take care of your needs. You are important and deserve time and attention to meet your needs.
-My self-care includes meditating, studying scriptures, prayer, exercise, painting, sewing, cooking, eating, being with friends, and learning.

Self-compassion: extending compassion and kindness to yourself, especially when you are hurting or negative-self-talk threatens your brain. I've had to offer self-compassion on many occasions, and it's amazing how it can change the game. Sometimes I have to think about it in the perspective of "If I were my friend, and I came to me with this problem, what would I say to that friend?" Sometimes it comes in the form of writing myself letters. Sometimes it's a simple, "No, you are not fat. You are not ugly. How dare you think that about yourself?" kind of thing. Sometimes it's, "Wow, you are really going through a lot. It's okay to cry. It's okay to be mad. The way you feel right now is a normal reaction." Being compassionate with myself has given me the ability to heal in that emotional, vulnerable place that is hard to get to.

prayer: turning to a higher power
I can't do this on my own. For one thing, if I believed there was no higher power, that there was no greater purpose, I'd probably just end my life. Okay, that is dramatic. There would still be much to live for, but there is so much more to live for then just what is here and now. I have a firm believe in a higher power and purpose. I learn through prayer. I learn through conversing with my God and discovering His plan for me. I turn over my cares and worries to Him. He knows about all my fears and anxieties. He is always there for me, and I love Him for it. I know I can always turn to Him, and I do so on a regular basis with gratitude in my heart.

understanding the grief cycle
When you understand the grief cycle, you will understand yourself a little better. You will also be able to offer yourself care and compassion for the stages you find yourself in.

being vulnerable
Vulnerability is hard. It's scary. But it's necessary for healing. That doesn't mean you jump right on the vulnerability train with your husband too soon after he has hurt you. Until it is safe to be vulnerable with him, there are others you can be vulnerable with: your support circle and yourself.

-Being vulnerable with others has helped me to own my story and feel real. I don't like feeling like I'm hiding things, and opening up has made it easier to find support. I have quite the chain of support people that I can contact when I need help. Being vulnerable with others has also helped me learn about those around me, develop better compassion, and become a support to them. Along with that, being vulnerable with others has helped me build bridges in places that have been burned because of misunderstandings.

-Being vulnerable with myself has helped me understand exactly what is going on inside me. As I gain understanding of myself, I've learned how to deal with and cope with my struggles. I've been able to own my story and find my truth and reality. And I've found healing in all of those things I've gained from vulnerability.

-Being vulnerable with my husband has created healing in our relationship. Like I said, it can't come too soon. But as you open up and are vulnerable one step at at time, healing does take place for each of us individually and for both of us together.

learning to forgive
Forgiveness isn't for the person who wronged me: it's for me. Forgiveness also doesn't come easily. It's a process that requires patience, compassion, and love. Learning to forgive is hard, but it is also necessary for my heart to be fully healed. My forgiveness isn't dependent on my husband's ability to apologize or grovel, and it isn't necessary for his healing. My forgiveness of him is necessary for my heart to become whole. My forgiveness of the situation is a reflection of the peace and healing that is taking place in my heart.

Forgiveness is hard. Don't get me wrong. I'm in a position where I haven't fully forgiven him for things currently going on. That's why I said learning to forgive. It's learning. It's a process that only you can figure out for yourself. And I know it will bring an added measure of healing when I get there, like it has done in the past.

reaching out
We aren't alone. There are tons of women all over the world suffering from betrayal trauma. Reaching out is healing in both directions: for me and the person I'm reaching out to. Reaching out fills my heart with gratitude and love. It's been the base of my support-circle. Reaching out has worked miracles in my life and heart.

Reach out for help.
Reach out to offer help.
Reach out so you don't feel alone.



Read Part 1: His Recovery, here 
Read Part 3: Our Recovery, here

Numbing

For the past--I don't know how long--I've lived in a state of chaos and stress. Being stressed out must be one of my natural talents because I can't imagine or remember a life where I didn't feel like a ball of stress. Today is my first day off-the-job, and I'm trying to unwind. As I told a friend last night, I think it will take a while to fully calm down and feel whole because I don't know how to live without stress.

Because of the seemingly-impossible-but-totally-not-impossible-even-more-constant stress I've felt over the past six weeks, and where it started landing me, I contacted a counselor to get help. I haven't sought out a counselor before now because I didn't feel like we could afford it, but now it had to take priority over my feelings of not spending money on that because I was in a ditch.

I've been thinking about stress a lot lately. Stress and numbing. That's because I'm so tightly wound right now that I don't know how to live without stress. And the more stressed I become, the more I numb. I recently realized that I haven't figured out how to balance my life without numbing, which is part of why I think I had to quit my job and move now--so I could focus on what is really at hand and stop numbing through my dedication to my job. My numbing tactics have been working so well that they have started causing me to care less about Ben and my relationship with him because I'm just surviving and numbing--not caring.

I want to share an exercise my counselor had me do with her a few weeks ago.

She created a three-column chart on a sheet of paper. The far left column was titled, "Things that make me want to numb." The middle column was titled, "Ways I numb." The right column was titled, "True comforts." I spent the next bit of time really thinking about what belongs in each column.

I learned quite a bit about myself, so I'd encourage you do to something like this, especially if you are in a really low-spot like I was. Some things I do to numb are also true comforts, but the difference is in how I use them. A brownie can be truly comforting. A pan of brownies is a numbing and repressing tactic (not to mention that it makes me feel worse to eat that many brownies). Reading can be a comforting technique. Reading a whole series in a very short time-period while ignoring all other responsibilities and people around me is a way I repress and numb (and then I hate all the time that has been wasted and feel worse about myself in the end, anyway). There are quite a few of my comforting and numbing techniques that cross like that: painting, playing the piano, listening to music, exercise, facebook, and sewing.

My counselor had my put a star next to things that will always be a true comfort, but never (or rarely) a way to numb. For me, those were prayer/meditation, writing, and giving service. These are things I need to turn to always. And when used in combination with my other comforting techniques, I will achieve the best response to the things that make me want to numb.

It's really hard to face the emotions that come with being married to an addict. It's so much easier to numb--except for that fact that the repressed emotions come back with even more intensity than they would have if I had just addressed them from the beginning. So I'm working on using real comforting techniques to face my life head-on. I've even discovered things I do to numb that I didn't realize were numbing until recently (such as the above-mentioned job dedication as numbing).

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm on a search for wholeness. I'm learning to offer myself compassion and self-comfort. I'm learning to rely on God and recognize all that He is giving me, especially when life is unbearably hard and it's all too easy to slip into a state of feeling isolated. Achieving wholeness is so important to me: I want to feel like I'm whole, no matter what. That means I need to move from a state of numbing to comforting. And that means I have to face everything head-on--with all its yuck and unpleasantness.

My counselor told me "We have the light of Christ in us, so when we self-comfort, we can use God's power." That gives me so much hope. Self-comforting is hard. Embracing the unpleasant circumstances that make up my life is hard. But I have the light of Christ in me, so that means I get to use God's power. I'm really not ever doing this on my own by my own power. I always have Him.

Onward to wholeness!