SERENITY NOW!

Credit

Two days ago, I was doing my Jillian Michaels workout and had all these positive thoughts about my life. I was feeling a little sore and achy, so I was trying to listen to my body and not push too much. At the end of the workout, she says something like "It's not about the crunch, it's about being strong physically so you can be strong in every aspect of your life." That rings so true to me. When I can't/don't exercise, or when my body doesn't feel physically capable of life's challenges, it seems that all the emotional challenges are that much more tough (and this element of my life will make more sense a couple of paragraphs down).

As I stretched, I thought about her statement, along with some metaphors relating to knowing how to push my body without pushing past its abilities, and I thought, "I want to write a blog post about this. There is so much depth here to write about and the parallels with dealing with the addiction trauma."

But alas, somewhere during that workout, I injured my back and in a fit of rage, I thought, "Screw this. Screw everything. Apparently nothing I think or do is right or good because God keeps letting this crap happen to me."

A week ago, I was pretty deep in some depression related to the addiction trauma. I finally, FINALLY worked through it on Monday and the week went way up. One of my friends said something to me about not remaining a victim and finding a way to be happy despite the addiction rearing its head in my home. I took that to heart and thought, "You know what? I have been in victim mode." I think I sometimes like being in victim mode because I want to bring my husband down. I want him to realize what he is doing to our family, so I pout and remain a victim, hoping his eyes will be open to see what is happening. But there is a time and place for hurting and working through the pain, and then there is a time for it to be done and for me to stand up and keep pushing onward.

Once I realized I had it in me to step out of victim mode and re-engage in my "real" life, everything seemed so good (except my relationship with Ben--that was still suffering, but that's okay). A lot of things started clicking and I felt really happy. I was listening to my body and mind and doing what felt right every second.

Then this back thing happened.

Thursday night, I really struggled. I mean, I couldn't walk very well at all, and I couldn't even hold my baby. I had some moments where I felt completely abandoned by God because I've been trying to do everything right, and He let this happen to me. I struggled for a lot of reasons that I'm not going to get into because it would make this post a lot longer than it needs to be. The main thing I struggled with, though, was feeling so incredibly dependent on Ben AND not being able to care for my baby. Because we were trying to avoid an ER bill, I took some strong medicine that made it so I couldn't breastfeed (not that I could hold my baby anyway...but still...I couldn't try even if I wanted to), and the poor child had a rough 24 hours. I was also worried about Ben being able to care for the little guy without me because of some past impatience he has demonstrated that has left a lot of unresolved feelings in me.

I've had a lot of time to think and pray over the past 48 hours. And here is what I have learned:

Sometimes things just happen that are completely out of our control. When things like that happen, we have two choices. We can either mourn it and live in the past (what could have been done so this didn't happen to me?), or we can accept it and move on to the best of our abilities. I think it's healthy to have a little bit of both in there. I think it's normal to go through a period of anger or mourning when a major trial hits. But there is a point where you have to be able to accept it and move on if you want to remain emotionally healthy and not let the trial totally drown you. I've spent a lot of time in the anger and mourning period when it comes to this trial of addiction in my marriage. A LOT of time. But I can't change it. No amount of pleading with or anger at God changes it. I have to just grasp what is in my control and move forward.

I have a lot of theories about how/why this back injury happened. I also had a lot of anger about it happening. But none of that matters. What matters is what I see now.

I'm grateful for a husband who has majorly stepped up his game and not emotionally abused me to make me feel like this is somehow my fault or that I am a financial burden to this family (this is the second time I've gone to the ER this year...and because of various health issues I have, I've gone to the ER on average about once a year since we have been married. So...yeah.). I'm also grateful that he understands and has empathy for my frustrations regarding this injury and all that comes with it.

I feel like I've had a good perspective on this whole thing. It sucks, but I can't do anything about it. All I can do is the little things that can help me recover. Walk when I feel up to it. Rest when I feel like my body has had all it can handle. Practice doing things on my own (sometimes Ben still has to help support me as I sit down or stand back up). Study my scriptures (every day this week I have read the EXACT verses I needed, as if God is speaking straight to ME from the Book of Mormon). Pray. Call on the Atonement.

For as hard as I've worked to maintain a balance between being married and keeping distance over the past few months, I've had to let go of all of that and depend on Ben for so many things. And as much as this trial sucks, it's been really good for our marriage.

Every once in a while, I still get a twinge of anger. But I'm letting myself feel it and let it pass through me. It's okay to be angry, but it's not okay (for me right now) to let it fester and become ugly. The best thing for me is to allow myself to feel, accept the situation, recognize the good, and keep moving forward. And really, I'm making efforts to use the Atonement every day. Sometimes every moment. It helps keep the crazy in check. I love the Atonement. But that's another post for another day.

But don't get me wrong. Sometimes A lot of times, this is how I really feel...

And that's okay. 

Dear 21 year-old Kilee

If you could write a letter to yourself back when you first learned of the addiction, what would you say?

I'd encourage everyone reading this to write their own letter. It's a very healing experience. Mine could have been longer, but I submitted it to something and it had to be less than 500 words. This isn't the first time I've written a letter to myself, though, and I know it won't be the last. Every time provides a little bit more healing.

Here's my letter:


Dear Kilee,

When you were married, you could never have imagined the betrayal and hurt Ben could cause you. You thought you were both on the same page and on the path to the celestial kingdom together. Now, in just a few seconds, your world has come crashing down.

You are so young, and you are embarking on the journey of a lifetime. Right now, you can't imagine it getting worse. It can. But it will also get better.

More will come: pain, darkness, heartache. At times, hope will seem completely lost. You will ponder the idea of divorce and even the possibility of taking your own life to escape the hell of the addiction.

There is more than darkness in your future. There is bounteous light and hope, and you will make it through the dark periods every single time. As you and Ben embrace recovery together, you will learn to love each other in ways you never thought possible. You will discover your greatest strengths and weaknesses. You will see the compassion and love you are both capable of. And you will start the rest of your family.

Through recovery, you will make friends you would have never known otherwise. You will learn lessons about friendship, vulnerability, and service. You will learn to love others and see them as Christ does.

You will learn about the Atonement, and you will be cradled in the arms of your Savior. You will learn how to follow promptings of the Holy Ghost. And you will be able to share a message of hope with others you come in contact with.

Ben will get into recovery. Eventually, he will acknowledge this is an addiction and he can't do it on his own. You will seek help together and become one in the fight against Satan and his efforts to destroy your family. You will be given knowledge and resources to help you understand the addiction. You will learn it's not your fault. You will learn you can't control the addiction. And eventually, you will turn it all over to God and trust in His plan.

You will go through hell on earth. But you will come out stronger and more beautiful. Four years from now, you will be welcoming a baby boy into your home, and you will be so grateful for the efforts you have put into your marriage and recovery. Things won't be perfect, but you will have hope and be grateful for the recovery path you are on together.

This addiction won't exempt you from other trials. So many hard things will come your way, but your experience with the Atonement will teach you that you are never alone. You will become a strength to your family and friends, and you will have a sense of gratitude for all the blessings God has given you.

Don't give up. You can do all through the power of God.

You are beautiful and strong. You can do hard things.

Love,

Me


When I wrote this, along with a little bio for my submission, something hit me. Hard. I mentioned in the letter that we will be welcoming in a baby boy four years from the time I first found out about the addiction. Well, that's awesome. But what's even more awesome is that we will be welcoming him into our family exactly one year (to the month) after things hit rock bottom in our marriage. Our son will come a year after we could have given up on our marriage but chose not to. So much healing has taken place this year, and I am so grateful we get to celebrate that with the entrance of our son into this family.

Three months to go!

God has not abandoned me

I want to thank everyone who reached out to me yesterday, and for the comments you left for me on my post. Yesterday was emotional.

After writing my post, I reached out to a few people. I talked to them about the basics of what I was feeling, and they helped me identify some underlying problems that I wasn't recognizing.

One friend told me to lean on God because "He will never abandon you."

I've been experiencing a faith crisis. I'm really struggling with my testimony of certain things, but I'm trying to hold on to what I know and let that guide me. I don't feel like going into detail, but it's similar to what Ben wrote about on his blog today.

So while I've been experiencing this faith crisis and feeling like I'm going through a funk, I've been withdrawing from basically everyone around me. Including God.

Friend: "Turn to God. He will never abandon you."

Me: "But, I feel like I'm abandoning Him."

Bring on the sniffles and kleenexes.

I have felt like I'm abandoning God. I've had major trust issues with Him, which I think is understandable, and I'm trying not to be too hard on myself about it. I know He is there. That is one of the things I hold on to in my faith. I know I can be healed through Him. But when everything seems so hard, well, so do the things that bring me closer to God and help me feel peace. So, I take baby steps every day (I study my scriptures, thought it may not be as intently as I feel like it should be. Or I study my scriptures and feel really good, but when I'm finished, all the things I pushed aside during scripture study come back with full force, as if I never even tried to bring the Spirit in to my heart.). I study my scriptures. I pray. Sometimes my prayers are, "Heavenly Father, this is really hard. I hope you can see that, and I'm sorry I feel like I can't say more."

But while I take these baby steps, sometimes it's more of a robotic, "I must do this because it's right," rather than an actual heartfelt effort. And then I spend much time wallowing in self-pity or questioning God.

I guess that's not total abandonment, but I have just felt like I am abandoning Him. And with that feeling has come the fear that maybe He will give up on me. Maybe He will get tired of my little games (I don't think they are games, but maybe He thinks they are) and whining and give up. Maybe He will give me space to teach me a lesson, and I'll reach out to Him and will have lost my chance.

Fear. Lots of fear.

I've definitely felt Satan tugging at me. I've actually seen a clear image of Satan tugging at me. I know this negativity is not me. I know Satan is trying to bring me down. I've got some things on my plate that He would love to trash. So I'm feeling a constant battle going on.

Last night, I asked Ben to give me a blessing. I've actually asked a few times in the past month or so, but then I get scared and say nevermind, or I don't remind him if he forgets when he gets home from work. Last night, I told him it had to happen.

Beforehand, I said a little prayer asking God to build on the faith I have to help me find the peace that I need from the blessing. I asked for clarity and strength.

The blessing was beautiful, and it was certainly one of the most sacred experiences I have had in a long time.

The thing I want to share from it was the promise I was given that God has not abandoned me, nor will He ever abandon me. And He understands. He understands the fears I have. He understands my faith crisis. He understands my trauma, my depression, my "funk." He understands my pain. And He has promised to be there for me when I am ready for Him. And He has promised to heal me.

God has not abandoned me. Even when I feel like I am abandoning Him, He loves me so much that He is still there for me. I'm so grateful for that love.

And I know He has it for all of us. He is always there for all of us. He understands your pain, your suffering. He understands your crisis of faith. He understands it all because He has felt it. He knows exactly what we need to succor us. And He is there with open arms.

I'm mad. And tired. And blessed.

Read the first two posts of this particular part of my story: Dating Ben and The irony.


I've had our story on my mind so much lately. I'm hurting. I'm hurting for what has been lost because of the addiction. I'm mourning the life I had, or thought I had, and desired. My life will never be the same.

I got a big disclosure back in February. It's taken many steps to gain trust back. Ben entered "real recovery" and was doing so well. We even decided it was time to start trying to have a baby again (Personal decision. Don't ask. Don't judge.).

Last week he masturbated.

Part of me is like, "it's just masturbation." Seriously, how desensitized can I get? And how desperate to believe that my life isn't falling apart?

Here is what I think about "just masturbation": Go to hell, stupid thought.

Okay, here is what I really think about masturbation. I think I deserve better than someone who "self-pleases". I also deserve better than someone who will fantasize about having sex with another woman. I recognize that this is an addiction, and these behaviors aren't necessarily about sex (though I think they are sometimes), but about an improper way of dealing with life. For a while I rationalized masturbation with him because I didn't understand it (and I'm sure I still don't). And he always said that I couldn't expect him to be perfect because he was addicted. Well guess what? I can expect full fidelity from him. AND, if things are triggering him, I can expect him to talk to me about it. Especially when I ask how things are going. And if he has fought the fight with all his might and still acts out, then maybe I would be less mad at his actions because I know his heart was in the right place and he was trying. But last week, I asked him how he was doing. I was out of town and knew it was hard on him. He kept telling me he was fine. He did not once let me in to even have a clue that bad things were happening in his mind and his fences were being torn down.

So I'm mad. I'm mad at much more than just the masturbation.

I'm mad at infidelity.

I'm mad at lies.

With his relapse has come a lot of dark thoughts. Among them is the only-too-familiar "I've thought about leaving you and living in my addiction." That, above all else, makes me the most angry. He can't freaking leave me. If anyone leaves, it's me. I'm the one who gets to leave. He doesn't deserve to leave me. He is lucky he still has me. We are fighting to overcome this addiction and the ruin it's caused our marriage. I've given so much. I've sacrificed so much. And now, after already having worked through this before, I'm living (again) with this fear that I won't be enough. That his love for me won't be enough. That he will choose porn and sex over me.

So I'm mad. I'm angry. I'm furious and fuming.

I'm mad that my life will never be the same.
I have hope that one day it will be great, but right now it sucks sometimes.

And that's okay. Because I'm learning and growing.

I realized this week, that in all my anger lately, I have been stepping away from the Atonement. I'm just tired of trying. It's such an effort sometimes. And sometimes all I can do is get by. Those times have their place in life, I think. But right now, I need to start reaching out to Christ more. Even if all I do is try to survive, I know I need to reach out to Him to help me survive. It's only through Him that I will get through this. I know that, but sometimes I forget because I feel worthless and broken.

I read this talk by Elder Holland this morning.

I was struck by so many things:

I was reminded to have compassion (I'll say for myself, for the addict, and for those around me. I need to start being more aware and reaching out in compassion to others who need service.).

I was reminded that I am in the pursuit of godliness. My trials will either bring me closer or farther away. I have a choice right now, and I'm going to choose closer to God.

I was reminded that my faith in Christ will lift me up.

I need to seek the spirit and choose not to harden my heart against God.

I was reminded that I'm not alone in my depression (hey, guys, I suffer from DEPRESSION). And the things I'm feeling as a result of my depression are REAL.

I was reminded that "if things continue to be debilitating" I need to "seek the advice of reputable people with certified training." (which I will discuss with my bishop relatively soon)

I need to be patient. And mindful of and grateful for small victories.

"...if the bitter cup does not pass, drink it and be strong, trusting in happier days ahead."

I am more than my limitations and afflictions. 

I also read this verse--Alma 14:24: "How long shall we suffer these great afflictions, O Lord? O Lord, give us strength according to our faith which is in Christ, even unto deliverance. And they broke the cords with which they were bound."

As I read that verse, I was reminded of the cords that bind us in our marriages as we fight this addiction. Sometimes we feel stuck and bound. I know Christ gives us strength to break those cords. It may be in setting and enforcing boundaries to keep us safe. It may be in walking away from a destructive marriage. It may be in breaking the cords that make us feel like Satan is controlling us and dragging us to hell. Whatever it may be for our individual situations, I know God can and will give us strength because we are precious to Him.

So, while I sometimes hate what life has given me, and I hate this addiction, and while I sometimes feel that life is super ironic and I'm no longer lucky like I thought I was when we got married, I am grateful for the blessings I have. Every day I find little things that remind me God is watching out for me. Yesterday it was a fun day at Six-Flags, with little emotional pain or trauma to bother me. Today, it was what I learned as I studied that talk and that chapter in Alma. Hopefully there will be more little blessings. It's only 11:30. I still have much of the day ahead of me.


Follow-up: Why I Stay

Another Big Change and Leap of Faith

Writing is therapeutic. I need to write about something big. My mind is just spinning today, and I think I'll feel better after I write. This may be a long post. Hang tight :)



We moved to Arkansas a little over a year ago. That was not on our post-graduation radar. Ben had a job, and he loved it. We had a plan. But then, he received a recruiting email from Walmart.

"I'm not working for Walmart," he said. He kept telling me that, as if he were trying to persuade himself. Eventually, the opportunity for that particular job passed. But the seed was planted.

"I keep having this nagging feeling that we are supposed to go to Arkansas," he said.

"Why? You have a job. You like your job. Why would we move to Arkansas? Sure, my family is there, but you don't have a job. Do you realize how hard that would be?"

We didn't want to move to Arkansas. He said it was the armpit of America. No one just moves to Arkansas with no job potential. No one just moves in with their parents right after graduation just for kicks (especially when they have a fine job in another state).

But we did.

We had all these reasons why we shouldn't. People told us we were crazy. They told us exactly what I just told you, and we really struggled with the idea. But during General Conference, President Eyring gave this talk. During that talk, we both had separate but similar personal revelations that we were supposed to move to Arkansas. We went for a walk in between sessions to talk about it. We prayed. And we knew in that moment that we were, indeed, being called to Arkansas. It didn't make sense, but it did. It felt right in our minds and hearts. Even though so many things didn't make sense, to us, it made perfect sense.

So we packed up and moved across the country.

"It will work out," I said. "God wants us there. He will make things work out."

I was recovering from a terrible back injury. I was also recovering from the last set of relapses and lies. But I had faith that God would take care of us, and He did in His own way.

In the year that we've been here, we have seen tremendous blessings. However, things have certainly been hard. While I love my family, living with my parents and sisters wasn't an easy nine months. Despite the times I struggled there, I loved it. I grew closer to my family. After five years of being away at college, it was nice to get to re-know my sisters and parents.

Living with my parents was also a blessing because they got to know Ben--the Ben whose potential I see. We kept the addiction a secret while we lived with them. They might have known or suspected we struggled, but they didn't know we struggled in the ways we do. They did get to know the good parts of him--the parts I fell in love with. They got to know him as a brother and son. I'll be forever grateful for that.

After I told my parents about his addiction, my mom said to me later, "Maybe part of the reason you moved here was so we could get to really know Ben. I can't judge him because of his addiction. I know too much about him." I think she was right.

Shortly after moving here, I decided I wanted to start substitute teaching a few days a week while my back continued to recover. People told me it would be easy for me to get a job in the big district because they were in desperate need for subs, and I have a teaching license from a great university. I applied for that district, but I never received a phone call for an interview. I tried calling and pursuing the job, but I could never get through. It seemed that it was not meant to be.

A woman my mom worked with in the Young Women's organization posted on facebook that the district in which her kids attended school (a very small district: the town has 5000 people) was hiring subs. I applied and got through the process very quickly. The day after finishing my paperwork, I received a phone call from the principal of the high school.

"Is this Kilee?"

"Yes, sir."

"Kilee, my name is ________________, principal over here at ______. I see that you are certified in Family and Consumer Sciences."

"Yes, sir, I am."

"Well, how would you like a long-term sub job? Our counselor is out on medical leave for the rest of the school year. We moved the FACS teacher to that position, and now we need a FACS teacher."

I told him of my back problems and said I needed to think about it because I had really just wanted to sub a few days a week. He understood (he also has major back issues) and gave me a couple days to think about it.

I ended up taking that position. Of course, I had to interview, but it seemed like it was pretty much just a formality. Plus, I blew them out of the water anyway ;)

That was a tough few months. I started mid-February and finished off the school year. I was pretty much a full-time teacher but only got paid $70 a day (minus taxes, of course. Isn't that fantastic?).

Ben didn't get a job until June, and then, it was just as a bank teller. During that time I was subbing, we were living off of my measly sub income. We wanted so badly to have our own place, but we simply couldn't afford it. I was working my heart out, and it was very discouraging because I felt like we weren't really reaping what I was sewing.

My sub position turned into a full-time teaching position (Yes, I had to interview. No, it wasn't a formality. It was real. I even had real competition, and it was very stressful). I worked hard all summer long to prepare for the school year, and didn't get paid for it all summer.

Meanwhile, Ben was job hunting. We were very grateful when he got this teller position, but we eventually became discouraged with the situation because it's not what he wants to do. It's not what he went to college for.

People have told Ben it's crazy how hard it's been for him to get a job down here. He has so many resources. He has had so many people pulling for him, but nothing has worked out. He has had interviews. He has gotten to the final rounds of interviews. He has applied for over 100 jobs, and all he ended up with was a bank teller position.

After being here and getting to know the companies, Ben realized he really doesn't want to work for any company here. That left us...stuck.

We've prayed. We've talked about our attitudes. We've fasted. We've worked really hard to stay positive and faithful while still hoping for something better.

We've struggled financially. We've struggled emotionally. He has struggled with addiction stuff and depression. I've struggled with my side of the addiction stuff and my own depression. Things have been really HARD.

But we've also been so blessed.

We've seen God's hand in our lives.

I've seen it in my job: how impossible it was to get a job in the first district, but then how easily it fell into place with this small district. I've seen it in my students: the love I have for them and them for me. I've seen it in Ben helping me with grading or taking care of things at home when I'm super stressed out. Teaching at this high school has been such a good experience. Sometimes I want to rip my hair out, but I wouldn't take back any second I've spent with my students or the relationships I've developed there. I've learned so much in so many aspects of life while teaching there.

I've seen God's hand in the beautiful nature that surrounds us. Can I just say how much I love that about Northwest Arkansas?

I've seen His hand in the tender mercies that have gotten me through serious bouts of depression.

I've seen His hand in the beautiful people I've been surrounded with: both at school and at church.

I've seen His hand our bishop and ward members.

I've seen His hand in my family and close friends here.

I've seen His hand in the spiritual growth Ben and I have both experienced here. We've struggled, but I have no doubt that we needed to struggle. I'm a lot firmer in my faith than I was a year ago. I have a lot deeper understanding of things than I did a year ago. I understand the Atonement better than I did a year ago. There is so much beauty in the things we have struggled with. I'll be brave and say I actually love the trials we have faced. They suck, they do, but I've discovered strength I didn't know I had. And I've discovered/developed a strong faith in God and His will.

Being in Arkansas has been an amazingly beautiful experience. I'm so grateful for the friendships I've formed and the lessons I've learned. I'm grateful for the experiences I've had that have brought me closer to God.

And now our time here is coming to a close. Ben was offered a position with Capitol One in Plano, Texas.

It's crazy how this has happened. I kept encouraging him to apply for jobs other places since nothing was working here. He did so, but it was a little reluctantly. When he received the phone call to interview for this job, he told me, "I remember applying for other jobs at Capitol One, but not that one." His interviews were last Friday (he had two interviews for this job), and he was offered the job on Monday.

As soon as he told me he was offered the job, I knew it was right.

And it doesn't make sense to some people. Even to me, it's hard to comprehend that we would move here for a year and then get a job elsewhere. It doesn't make sense to invest all that we have here and then just leave it all behind. I've worked so hard with my job. I've made friends and created a good circle of support for the pain of the addiction. We've grown closer to my family.

It's going to be painful to leave everything we've found here behind.

We know this is the right, choice, though. He fasted and prayed about it. I didn't feel like I needed to fast about it because I felt like I just knew. But I did pray about it, and I know it's right. When we make decisions like this, we take it separately and come to our own conclusion, then we talk about it together later and see if we have reached the same answer. We always work that way, and we did for this situation too. We know it's right.

And now Satan is fighting us hard. Or at least he is fighting me.

I'm getting scared. Rightly so. Cost of living in that area is higher than here. Rent will be higher. And even though he has a job, it's not one that pays super well (but way better than being a teller), so I know we will struggle financially. I'm going to have to go through the process of getting a teaching license in Texas, which will likely be painful. There are a lot of things about this that are going to be hard.

Plus I'm really going to miss a lot of things about Arkansas.

I grew up in Frisco, Texas. It's the town directly north of Plano. I'm nervous about moving back to the area because it's a place that I swore to never return to live (for personal, teenager reasons). I'm having to face some anxiety about going back, but I'm also really excited to return to some old friends and experience things there as an adult. And I feel potential of having a good recovery circle there as well, which excites me.

Just like when we moved to AR, I'm trying to have faith in God providing for us. This move seems a little lot scarier (probably because I won't have mommy and daddy to lean on there).

I admit it seems a little crazy. I feel crazy. I mean, we just moved a year ago. And we just moved into this house a little less than four months ago. So many things seem so crazy.

I think Satan is trying to make me feel crazy, doubtful, and fearful. So I'm going to keep pulling the faith and living with the knowledge that this is part of God's plan. And every time I act on personal revelation, no matter how hard or scary it is, it always pays off in the best way possible.

Ben is moving in a week and a half. I'm following after I finish the school year. I see potential with that situation. It will give him the opportunity to work some things out that he needs personal space and time for. It will give me some good opportunities here too. I'm nervous though... I'm nervous for relapses and pain and all that lovelies that fall in that category. I'll miss him a lot, but I think it will be good for us. I hope it will be, anyway.

Sometimes I'm like Lot's Wife

There are definitely a lot of differences between me and Lot's wife. However, I watched this video today, and there were quite a few parallels that made me think.

Lately, while muddling through the storm of addiction, I can't help but look back. I look back on personal revelation given about marrying Ben and I remind myself that we are supposed to be together. I look back on what we once had, or what I thought we had until lies penetrated our marriage. I long for things as they were or as they should be in my imaginary, fairy tale life. I look back and see the progress we have made. I look back and see how little has been accomplished in the grand scheme of things.

I look back and long for change.

I yearn to go back to what once was (or should have been?).

Isn't that what Lot's wife did?

As I yearn for what once was, I am in a sort of denial about things as they are.

I have to stop looking back. I know it's only normal in my case because of the betrayal trauma, but looking back won't make changes for the future. All looking back does is make me depressed and irritable. I have to look forward to the future. I have to address what is going on now and do what I can to make changes for a better future. I have to hope for what can be and do hard things now. I'm realizing now that things have to get harder before they can even remotely get better.

Things are way different than I ever imagined they could be. There are changes I'm considering making in my life that I thought I would never consider. But it's my life. It's all a result of what is going on now, and I can't change the now. I can't change anything to be like what it was no matter how hard I try or desire to.

All I can do now is follow the Spirit and keep Christ close to my heart. As I do so, I will be led to the Lord's will. I must follow His will and not look back. If I make some of the changes I'm considering (if they indeed prove to be the Lord's will), things will get incredibly hard. If I make those changes, do I have the faith to follow the Lord and not look back yearning for a time when things were seemed easier?

I know that this trial being a part of my life is not my fault. I'm just here, and I have to make the most of it. I have choice: I can accept this as the plan and use the circumstances to better myself and draw closer to Christ, or I can keep trying to live in the past while what is really happening creates a falling apart of life all around me while I live in la la land wishing for something different.

My mind keeps going to lyrics of one of my recovery songs, "Better Promises" by Hilary Weeks (from her album, Say Love):

I thought maybe you had forgotten me,

And I wondered if you listened when I prayed.

Seemed like everything I was asking for

Stayed hidden behind heaven's doors,

And I was losing faith.

I can see now as I look back,

Now that the tears have passed.

You gave me bread,

But I thought it was a stone,

And before you could tell me yes,

You had to tell me no.

If you had given me what I wanted,

I would not have seen

That you had better promises for me.

It took some time to convince me

To trust your plan and see things your way.

It was hard to trade what I wanted most

For promises that were still unknown,

And my heart was about to break.

Sometimes it's hard to recognize

The blessings that come in disguise.

You gave me bread,

But I thought it was a stone,

And before you could tell me yes,

You had to tell me no.

If you had given me what I wanted,

I would not have seen

That you had better promises for me.

And I can see now as I look back,

Now that the tears have passed.

You gave me bread,

But I thought it was a stone,

And before you could tell me yes,

You had to tell me no.

If you had given me what I wanted,

If you had sheltered me from the pain,

If you had let me settle for something less,

I would not have seen

That you had better promises for me.

**For more reference on Lot's wife, this speech is a really good one. Pray, read it, and let the revelation come to you for what you might be looking back on. I hope we can all be courageous to stand strong and look forward with a hope in what God has in store for us.

"The past is to be learned from but not lived in. We look back to claim the embers from glowing experiences but not the ashes. And when we have learned what we need to learn and have brought with us the best that we have experienced, then we look ahead, we remember that faith is always pointed toward the future. Faith always has to do with blessings and truths and events that will yet be efficacious in our lives. So a more theological way to talk about Lot’s wife is to say that she did not have faith. She doubted the Lord’s ability to give her something better than she already had. Apparently she thought—fatally, as it turned out—that nothing that lay ahead could possibly be as good as those moments she was leaving behind." --Jeffrey R. Holland, "Remember Lot's Wife"

Hell-Week's Disguised Blessings

Yesterday (well, this whole week) was impossibly long and hard. Thursday night/yesterday were my time to crash and burn. I almost cried at school. Luckily, it was during my favorite class (my catering class-nine students), and they are so amazing in there. I mean, it was a very awkward moment, but I just told them it wasn't them, it was me, and I was simply having a rough day. They love me, and they held me up. Then the rest of the day (I have one of those students three class periods in a row, and four others of those students two class periods in a row), they let everyone who was even remotely rude to me know that I was having a bad day and to knock it off. The rest of the day, all of my students were very protective of my emotional state. They fed me with compliments--telling me that I'm a great teacher, they love me, and that I'm beautiful. It was so amazing to feel that power and love around me. As a high school teacher.

I'm supposed to be in Branson this weekend. My friends are having a girls' weekend without me. That's a story in itself, and all I'll say is I had too much work to do, so I chose not to go as an act of self-care. Going was supposed to be self-care, but with progress reports going out Monday (and how backed up I am in grading and other things with school), the idea of going became pure stress. I decided to stay home so I could get as much as I can done because next week might be hell-week at school. I have so much to do. Plus I woke up feeling sick yesterday and worse today, so I'm glad I can just lay in bed doing my school-work and not be walking around outlet malls in the cold.

Last night I was at school until seven. SEVEN! On a Friday. Did I mention I got to school around 7:10 am? Right when I was feeling sorry for myself (around 5:15) two of my favorite students came in to say hi. They were setting up for the cheer competition today, and decided to take a break and see if I was still there...What kinds of students would expect a teacher to still be at school on Friday at 5:15? Inspired ones. Actually, they wanted some cookies that they were supposed to come get after school but forgot about. Nevertheless, I felt very blessed that they came to visit me and chat for a bit, and I do think it was inspired. About an hour later, a couple more students came to borrow my vacuum to vacuum turf off of something as they were setting up for the competition. These are my two funniest students (and I can never get enough laughs in, especially when I'm depressed that it's 6:15 on a Friday night, and I'm still at school), and it was another little blessing that I knew was from God.

I have stress hives. Not to mention the pain in my back, neck, and feet, which are constant. I wanted to do some form of exercise today, but I'm sick. So, I'll just lay here and do school stuff while I'm wrapped in blankets trying to keep warm. Things could look really down, but I know I'm so blessed. Throughout this entire week, which has had incredible highs and lows (Seriously. Insane amounts of tears, but insane amounts of joy too), I have been blessed. I'm sure later today I will get depressed again, but I'm just grateful for the moments of clarity I have when I know I'm extremely blessed.

Last night, we had pizza for dinner, made a fort with my 13-year old sister, and watched a movie with her. Today I might paint (hopefully...it would be amazing if I could paint!), and I'll for sure do some ADDO and study my scriptures.

It's actually a tender mercy that I had so much to do that I couldn't go to Branson. I am getting some necessary time for myself. Everything I had to do was too much to do after coming home from Branson, but it's not so much that it's taking up my whole weekend. Well, actually, it was, but I crossed some stuff off my list. I'm simplifying for myself. Kind of like how I chose not to grade some assignments because it was too overwhelming. Anyway, right now I'm supposed to be at a Stake Leadership Training for Young Women's, but I skipped it for self-care. And I think God understands that. When I prayed about what to cross off my weekend, I felt very strongly that I need to take care of myself this weekend. What a blessing.

God sees me. He knows me. He knows exactly what to do for me. And I have the Atonement to lean on.

Christ has felt pains, afflictions, and temptations of every kind (Alma 7:11). That means this kind. The kind I feel when I'm severely depressed. The kind I feel when I'm struggling with the responsibilities I have at school. The kind I feel when I'm stuck with the addiction in my life. The kind I feel because I'm not wearing my wedding ring, and the kind I feel when I put the ring back on.

He has taken all of our infirmities (physical and mental weaknesses) upon Himself (Alma 7:12). Because of that, He is filled with mercy, and He knows exactly what we need to be lifted up. He knows because He has felt it. He knows when I need merciful students to feed me with love and compliments. He knows when I need my husband to buy my favorite pizza and decide we're making a fort and watching a movie. He knows when I need my sweet sisters to make me laugh. He knows when I need my principal to email me telling me how great of a job I'm doing and that my work doesn't go unnoticed. He knows when I need my young women's president to ask me how my week is going and expect an honest answer (there is another person I opened up to about the addiction this week :) woot!). He knows when I need students to come talk to me about their own trials. It gives me perspective, and it also shows me that I am in the right place right now and am making a difference for them. I love my students. He knows when to prompt me to cut down and give me peace about cutting down on things in my life. He knows when to give me moments of peace and clarity. This list could go on.

He sees me. He knows me. He is always there for me. And, even though I know that, sometimes I still get a little mad and prideful because things are so hard.

But He is always there waiting for me with open arms. In the meantime, He sends angels to help lift me up.

Voldemort

Credit

My husband's latest confession really sent me spinning.

For the past six weeks, I've been depressed. Depression has come off and on for me for the past few years, but the past six weeks have been really hard. That's because I have been trying to acknowledge my feelings, face the addiction, and hope in ways that I haven't before. I realized I have been still in denial, so I've been trying to just be.

I went through this funk (did I say went? I mean, I've been in this funk) where I realized my love is very minimal. I know deep down, I love him. But that surface, giddy love that I want to feel is depleting. And it has started tearing apart at the deep love. In a moment of panic, I called my Relief Society president and one of my best friends asking them marriage and love questions. I was reassured that it's okay and completely normal for a normal relationship to have times where love is feeling minimal due to normal stressors. So for someone in my position, where we are fighting sex addiction, it's even more understandable for me to feel this way. That really helped.

I'm telling you this so you can understand where I'm coming from on this latest relapse. We've been working on strengthening our marriage. I've been taking it slowly and not pressuring myself to fall back in love too quickly, but, you know, that's the ultimate goal. And things have really been looking up. I've felt moments of pure happiness, which made me hopeful.

I started letting my guard down a little bit as I felt safer in our marriage. I started taking baby steps closer to him. And then...BAM!

Deep breath.

I've had numerous tender mercies this week. For starters, the day I was informed of the "stuff-that-must-not-be-named" [haha that makes me laugh. I'm still giggling about it, even though I don't believe not saying the name somehow makes it better. I just really like Harry Potter. Maybe we should just start referring to porn/masturbation/everything else sex-addiction related as Voldemort. Just for kicks], I worked on a guest-post I'm writing. The topic I decided on was, in essence, "you have to allow yourself to feel in order to fully heal." It got me thinking about everything and the things I've been working on and learning about allowing and expression emotions, and I felt really light and happy after writing it. When I got home, however, I was hit with Voldemort, and then came the downward spiral. BUT I took care of myself. Even though I had crazy amounts of crap to do for school, I allowed myself to feel. I cried. I prayed. I studied my scriptures. I wrote a blog post. I prayed some more. I cried a lot. And then I worked on my school stuff. It all worked out. I got less than six hours of sleep, but I woke up feeling rested.

I felt like crying most of yesterday, but my students took care of me. They are some good kids. And even though I felt like I was going to pass out, throw up, and had a super bad migraine for half the day, I made it through. Tender mercy.

Then my bishop kindly agreed to meet with me after young women's last night. Tender mercy. We had a most amazing and productive conversation. Tender mercy.

I had the strength to go home and be vulnerable. TENDER MERCY.

Last night, I talked to Ben. I really talked to him. I honestly don't remember everything I said, but I remember it was the most open I have been about the effects of pornography in our marriage. I know it made him kind of depressed, and I was afraid of that. But, I knew I couldn't let the fear of hurting him stop me from expressing the damage that is being done because, guess what, folks? Damage is being done. No amount of me trying to save what trust is remaining, or anything else for that matter, is going to make much of a difference--other than make me crazy. In fact, I know in my head that it is for the best to be completely honest about this. It's just hard to follow through with something that has the potential to make everything worse for the time being. But I did it.

I told him something bolder than I ever have. Viewing pornography and masturbating is basically the same as him cheating on me. I mean, I know it's different, and I know it would hurt so much more if he really did physically cheat on me. But guess what? He is depressed, and he turned to a fantasy world where he Voldemorted (haha) with other women. That is not okay. It is not faithful. It is not honest to our marriage covenant. Viewing pornography and masturbating is adultery of the heart and mind. At least in my eyes. And I let him know it.

Boy, was that scary.

But boy was that helpful.

I felt. I spoke up. I'm healing.

Today was beautiful. Tender mercy. Last night helped seal for me the idea that this is really happening, this is really my life. Apparently, even though I've known I'm kind of in denial, I still haven't been able to cope with it all the way. I'm sure I still haven't. But, in talking with my bishop, I realized (he pointed out) that I'm still longing for the marriage that is not--the marriage we might have had right now were it not for pornography. I'm mourning. I needed him to say that so I could see it and try to deal with things as they are. So I am.

I took off my wedding ring today. It was halfway through the school day while I was making bread with one of my classes. I put it back on for a second after bread-making was over, but I had this thought come to my head very clearly: "You don't have to put that back on right now. Take your time. Let yourself detach a little bit." Taking it off with that mindset was like a breath of fresh air. I no longer had that constant reminder on my finger. Instead, I had courage and a clear mind. I felt freedom--freedom from worry, stress, fatigue, tiredly fighting for a marriage that has lots of issues, and pain. I felt peace.

Another tender mercy was what I discovered about the Atonement while studying my scriptures today. But this is already a long post, so I'll save that for another day.

I just want to say thanks to everyone who has helped lift me up this week. You know who you are, and I really appreciate it. I have the best of friends, and I love you. Even if you weren't one of those people because you don't know me very well or personally (yet), thank you for your thoughts and prayers. I couldn't do this without each and every one of you.

I'm making it. Some days I feel like I won't. Some moments make me want to collapse. But I'm making it. If you're fighting an incredible fight, I have faith that you can make it too. We will get through this together.

The good news is, my bishop was at a loss of advice for me. "I have no idea what to tell you. Everything a bishop would advise, you're already doing. You have the right mind-frame. I don't need to tell you it's not about you. I don't need to tell you you're strong and capable. You're forgiving, loving, and compassionate. So, just keep being you and keep having faith." Thanks, Bishop. That really made me feel good :)

Christ is.

Credit

Today I studied 3 Nephi 11. This is one of my favorite chapters because it is Christ talking to the people in the Americas after He was crucified. I love reading His teachings.

In verse 11, He says, "And behold, I am the light and the life of the world." I've read that verse dozens of times. I've never really focused on the meaning, though, because it usually just seems so simple, so duh.

What does it mean that Christ is the light? What does it mean that He is the life? What does that mean to me, right now, while trapped in depression?

I've been depressed. It comes and goes, and some days are worse than others. My depression isn't all due to the addiction: there are many factors that have led to this. To put it shortly, it stems from trauma, responsibility, and being stretched too thin in too many directions, which all adds up to equal STRESS. It boils down to stress.

This is what light means to me:
     -The absence of darkness
     -The stimulation of sight
     -The ability to make things visible
     -An aid in the understanding of mysteries
     -The way to peace and overcoming fear

Christ is my light. He overpowers darkness (Satan). He helps me find healing in the darkest of despair. When I stay close to Him, he helps me conquer my fears and find peace. He stimulates my sight--meaning He helps me see things as they are and as they have the potential to be. He helps me view my life through the correct lenses with the proper attitude and perspective. He makes things visible: He helps me see my tender mercies and find things to be grateful for at all times. He helps me understand the gospel and gain the desire to keep understanding life.

He helps me live a better life.

Christ is my life. I've learned through experience that Christ is the way. I've tried being angry at Him...and all that did was cause me to slip farther into a dark depression. I've tried doing things my way, but I always find that His way is the best way (even if it seems impossibly hard in the moment).

Christ is the reason I live and breathe. 

He is the reason I find joy and grace. 

With Him in my life, life is full of beauty, harmony, and love.

I'm off!

It's been one heck of a week. And month. 

I'm off to The Togetherness Project (in due time)! I can't believe it's already here. When I signed up and booked my flight, it felt like this weekend would never come. I also thought we wouldn't be able to afford it. However, we have been incredibly blessed, and I am on my way!! 

See you there? 

Catching Light

Today I am filled with light. It's a light that has been barely out of reach. I've been chasing it, not allowing myself to give up.

My life is kind of crazy right now. It's not crazy in a bad way, well except for the house-hunting part, which is a totally separate story. I will say this, though, I've felt anger and craziness from the house hunt that I've only felt from the addiction being a part of my life, and it is miserable. It's nowhere I want to be. So, along with that kind of crazy, there is school, my students, the Miamaid calling I just received, the school club I'm running, and a class I'm in charge of that requires a lot of work and outside of school time for both me and the students. And the living with my family thing... I just feel crazy.

I barely have time to read my scriptures. I'm trying to fit it in every day. I'm making sure I pray morning, night, and everywhere in between. I'm trying to be aware of my blessings and express thanks to God every chance I get. I'm seeking light. I'm seeing light, but I haven't been able to feel it envelope me in a few weeks.

Today I did. I caught it, I let the light swallow me up, and I'm trying to let that light wash all the hurt, pain, crazy, and stress away. Right now, I could be grading papers (some might say I should be grading, what with how far behind I am from being sick last week and having no energy after school). However, I felt the prompting to do some cleaning for my mom. I pushed it aside for a second, then remembered that I am really trying to act on promptings. So I did what I felt prompted to do. Then I felt prompted to read my scriptures right now, and that the grading and lesson-planning for next week would fall into place when I get to it today. So I prayed and asked for guidance on my scriptures, and I picked up to read. As I was reading, I felt like I should backtrack a little bit, so I did. Then these verses hit me (Helaman 12: 7-8):

"O how great is the nothingness of the children of men; yea, even they are less than the dust of the earth. For behold, the dust of the earth moveth hither and thither, to the dividing asunder, at the command of our great and everlasting God."

These verses (and the verses that follow that are so beautiful and poetic) hit me in a way that they never have before. I was reminded that everything I'm dealing with right now is nothing. All of this compared to God and what He can do is nothing. My trials? Nothing. My pain? Nothing. My stress? This house hunt? NOTHING! God can make up for all of it. He can command things to be moved. He can give me strength. He can lift me up. He can do everything I need Him to when I feel like nothing. He will do everything I need Him to. And He will guide me to do the things I can do to grow and become more like Him. 

As I pondered these verses and my nothingness, I was reminded of all that He has given me. Even though my life feels crazy and I have to fight for my peace, my life has been so amazing. I have been blessed with courage and strength. I have been blessed with the ability to face fears. I have been able to see myself touch lives. I have been given strength to use my talents and gifts I've been blessed with to reach out to others. I have seen myself blooming. I am finally pulling out of the self-hatred I've been fighting and seeing beauty in myself. I'm seeing the godliness, the queen that is within me. I'm seeing things in a better light, and that is a tender mercy.

My life has been hard. It's been bumpy, but I'm so glad God has been making me fight for it. I'm so glad He is not removing this all from me. He is giving me strength when I absolutely need it and giving me a guiding hand, but He is letting me work for myself. And the result is absolutely beautiful. I'm not even there yet, and I can feel it.

I recently discovered Katherine Nelson's latest album, Born Brave. The songs are fantastic. The message and the intent of the album is beautiful. Look it up.

I'm completely in love with a few of the songs on this album. I've listened to them over and over this week. They have given me strength and lifted me up. I want to share one with you. It's sad, but it's perfect for me. It puts a lot of things into perspective. 

The others I absolutely love are Soldier Girls, Born, Brave, and Good for Me. Just in case you were wondering :D 

I'm More Than a Conqueror

The feeling of God's love I felt during April 2011's General Conference will forever stay with me. It was just the week before Conference that I learned about the addiction and my world came crashing down around me. I guess it was good timing because at the very least, having General Conference right after that episode was a great tender mercy.

I remember crying a lot. But, this time, it was good crying. I felt hope. I felt strength. I felt like I could do this. After feeling miserable and hopeless for a better part of that week, these feelings swirled within me and gave me wings.

Whenever those good feelings buckle and weaken, I go back to that conference and re-read my favorite talks. We all know the addiction is a roller coaster. Times may be good. Times may be bad. Emotions may be joyful, and emotions may be angry and bitter. I haven't really been angry and bitter this week, but I've definitely been feeling a little hopeless and a lot depressed the past couple of days. It really hit me when I realized that the relapses are becoming less like relapses and more...just...habit.

My favorite talk ever, the one that always gives me strength and hope through anything, is from this conference I've talked about. When my world came crashing down, the Spirit taught me that I am more than a conqueror through Him that loved me. I'm more than a conqueror. I'm beautiful. I'm amazing. I'm a princess--the daughter of a king. I will conquer the horror that is threatening to destroy my marriage and my life. I will not be separated from the love of my God and Savior.

I read this talk again today. I find it amazing how at different times and aspects of this trial, different parts of the talk speak to me. I can't even describe what I love and what I have learned from it. I can only encourage you to read it for yourself and let the Spirit whisper to you what God wants you to know.

Happy Sabbath!

Accountability to Godly Principles

I think I've needed a break from "addiction recovery." I put that in quotation marks because ultimately, this addiction recovery experience is to bring me closer to Christ and be able to live a full and happy life. That being said, I've needed a break from so much concentration and energy being spent specifically on addiction recovery and healing. I've been focusing more on qualities and attributes about myself--characteristics that need to be made better and feeling peace and joy in my life--on my own, rather than through the 12 steps.

I've had a lot of responsibilities on my plate. I've experienced a lot of stress this year. I'm a stresser, you guys. A STRESSER. Life stresses me out, and I allow things to prevent me from feeling peace. I've felt a lot of peace through my 12-step journey, but at the same time, feeling like I'm focusing so much on the addiction and my recovery stresses me out because I feel like the addiction is ruling my life. As if the addiction dictates what I'm studying and I HAVE to make sure I'm including my 12 steps in my studies.

So I stopped for a while. I finished step 9 and didn't move on to step 10 because I didn't want to add that extra pressure. I knew what step 10 was (daily accountability), and I kept that in the back of my mind. I've thought a lot about the things I've been working on as a result of my inventory and the following steps, and I've just been trying to make them better. I mean, it really all comes down to being more like Christ.

I picked up my 12-step manual again this week. I felt ready to move on in the program.

I love how perfectly the steps fit together. The first nine are learning and growing steps, and the last three are maintenance steps. All the principles the first steps teach are the things that I need to now base my life on. Now, I'm holding myself accountable for all of those things. I'm holding myself accountable every day so I can see my progress and how close or far away I am from my goals. Every day is a constant process to bring me back to Christ.

I've tried to develop a change of heart. To maintain that mighty change of heart requires effort. If anybody knows that, I do (and I'm sure you do too). Holy cow, it's HARD to maintain the things I've learned. Sometimes I have my own relapses. I have a difficult time refraining from anger. I have a difficult time speaking with love. Sometimes it's hard for me to say sincere prayers. Sometimes it's hard for me to feel the love of God for others around me. It's also sometimes hard to give service and look outside of the things I'm struggling with.

Of course, my own personal relapses tend to coincide with Jack's, but still. Do I want the addiction to rule me? Do I want to be angry and cold just because I'm hurting? NO! Of course not! I want to be the best person I can be. And I'm trying to be. Sometimes, it's just hard.

I'm learning to forgive myself and move on quicker. When I do get down and mad, I've finally discovered my agency. I have the choice to stay that way or make efforts to move on. It's not easy. It's so much easier to just be angry when I feel those temptations of Satan roaring around me. But it's so much more joyful to find the way to move past that. When I can forgive myself for the little things I've done wrong, when I can forgive myself for dwelling on the anger and move on, I've found so much more happiness.

It takes work to stay spiritually fit. 

I'm an athlete. I know how hard it is and how much work is required to keep the body toned. I know how much work it requires to win championships. I know how much work is required to be a top-notch athlete.

I'm also a learner. I worked really hard in college to earn As. I had to be at the top of my game to spit out information for my tests, especially in my really hard classes. To really do well, I checked myself every day. I studied information. I quizzed myself. I did checks for accountability to make sure that I knew the necessary information to do well on the test.

That same amount of work is required in my spiritual athletics--games, championships, fitness and conditioning--and learning. I need to work out daily. I need to hold myself accountable. I need honest, prayerful self-appraisal. I need to ask myself searching questions about my feelings, thoughts, motives, and conduct. I need to watch for signs of pride. I need to take my weaknesses to God. I need to take my pains to God and allow Him to give me rest. I need to keep my heart set on the Savior and remember His teachings and love. I need to serve.

But just like any athlete, I need to know when I've reached my limit so I don't injure myself. I need to make sure I'm taking care of my spiritual, emotional, and physical needs. I need to seek out balance and serenity. When necessary, I need to take time-outs and breathe. I need to check myself in stressful situations and see where I'm being triggered.

I've been trying to hold myself accountable, but now it's even more important. I know the principles. Of course, I don't know them perfectly, but I know enough to make changes and hold myself accountable. The biggest thing I'm working on is letting go. Letting go of my pains. Letting go of my stress. Letting go of my desire to control everything. The next biggest thing is counseling with God and accepting His plan. I'm trying to really understand what He wants me to do. I'm trying to follow my promptings. And I'm really trying to accept His will. Sometimes it's really hard because when I look at all the responsibilities I have in all aspects of my life (church, school, family, group), it completely overwhelms me. But, when I look at it all through God's eyes and see things with perspective, it gives me motivation to keep going.

This week was really stressful. I didn't go to bed before 11 any day, and I got up around 5:30 every day. Not terrible, but after basically two weeks of that, I felt completely exhausted by the end of the week. This weekend I had a big thing going on for a stake assignment I have, and that completely wore me out too. But, every day I saw tremendous blessings. Every day I asked God to help me see things with perspective and to give me strength to keep going, and He did. I have seen many reasons why He has asked me to do the things He has asked of me. I have seen growth, and I've seen my specific talents at work. I have felt a tremendous amount of joy in serving Him and His children.

I know I've been able to have such clear vision this week because I've been holding myself accountable to the things I've learned through my trials. I've been holding myself accountable and not allowing the nasties to creep in and stay. I feel so blessed, and I also feel like I know I can do hard things.

My wise bishop told me a few months ago that my life was about to get much harder and the responsibilities would only pile on even more. He was right. But because I decided to embrace things and lean on God, I've been able to have hope, motivation, and strength in doing all that He has asked me to do.

And I'm holding myself accountable every day so I can keep that proper perspective and be an instrument in His hands.

This song speaks to me. Beautiful music in the hands of beautiful artists.

That's Who I Am

I have a lot to write and no time.

I have felt a lot of stress and pressure lately, especially today. I almost had a meltdown at school about some things (half school related, half personal issues), but luckily I kept my composure. 

I've also been incredibly blessed. Even though I don't have much time to get on here and read blogs, or write my own for that matter, and even though I don't have much time to study my scriptures, I'm really working on my relationship with God. I don't do the greatest every day, but I do what I can. I've found myself leaning on the half hour drive to and from work as my alone time and my time with God. I rotate between listening to talks, listening to classical and piano music, and listening to inspiring music.  During the day, I try to listen to the Spirit. I pray when I can, and I try to see my students through God's eyes. I've had some amazing experiences. 

Today I have been blessed with incredible strength. And I was blessed to feel Christ carry me. I've been studying the talk "Of Regrets and Resolutions" this week along with the Atonement, and it has really helped me see things through clearer eyes. I can't really get into it now, but I really just wanted to express that He is there. I can feel it every day, even when I'm down. I also feel Satan attacking me, and I'm learning how to deal with his negative influences in positive ways and kick him to the curb. 

Lots of tender mercies have been thrown my way today. I'm thanking the Lord for every single one.

One was this song coming on during my drive home today. I put my recovery playlist on shuffle and told God to just hit me with the ones I need. The songs came in the most perfect order ever. And this is one that really lifted me up and strengthened me:

That’s Who I Am

(by Hilary Weeks)

I can feel myself breathe

Really breathe again

Gonna let myself dream

Really dream again

I won’t ever stop trying

This is my story

And I’m still writing!

I’m uncovering strength

I’ve never felt before

There is a fire inside

That’s never burned before

My fears are all dying

It’s time to spread my wings

And start flying

 This moment is mine

And I’m gonna take it

Today is a gift

And I will embrace it

I am strong

And I believe

That’s who I’m meant to be

Every step that I take

Is lifting me higher

Every corner I turn

The future is brighter

I am brave enough to face the storm

And still stand

That’s who I am!

It’s not about the race

It’s not about how fast I run

It’s finding out what’s inside

And who I can become

It’s all about letting go

And holding on

It’s about taking chances

And staying strong

This moment is mine

And I’m gonna take it

Today is a gift

And I will embrace it

I am strong

And I believe

That’s who I’m meant to be

Every step that I take

Is lifting me higher

Every corner I turn the future is brighter

I am brave enough to face the storm

And still stand

That’s who I am!

Things I've Learned From High Schoolers

It feels like it has been ages since I have written (minus the phone meeting post). It's been almost a week. And holy cow, what a week it has been! I don't even really know what to say about it. There is so much I could say.

I survived the first week of school! Apparently the principals have been hearing good things about me from my students (and hearing good things while they sneakily listen outside my door, as I've found out). The nervousness has completely worn off, and I just feel pumped and ready to go! Actually, that was a lie. There are still things that make me nervous, but not nervous enough to really get into the details right now.

I've learned some valuable things about myself this week.

First, I have a great capacity to love. I mean, it's not like that is really new news. I already know that I have a big heart. But my heart is even bigger than I realized. I think I've done a good job at reaching out to my students and showing them my care for them is real. Every day on my way to school, I think about them. I think about the things they have told me about their lives and families. Some of their stories are heartbreaking. Most of my students come from divorced families. One of my students was held hostage by her dad when she was about 8. Some of my students have never met some of their siblings. Some of my students haven't seen one of their parents in years. I have many students who are or have been in the foster care system.

On the first day, I gave them a questionnaire about themselves, and one of the questions I asked was, "What are your expectations from me as your teacher?" I was surprised at how many of them said things like not to pick favorites, be fair to all the students in my class, and be aware of what is happening in the classroom. Apparently the world needs better teachers? I'm going to be a great teacher.

I also learned that I have the power to choose to be happy. That is something I have struggled with. Sometimes I get down, so down, and I don't know how to get up. I have written about how I sometimes feel controlled by Satan and yes, I do think that sometimes he controls me and maybe I can't choose to be happy in those moments. But, I know I have the Atonement, and I know that through the power of the Atonement I can choose to be happy.

This week was EXHAUSTING. Emotionally and physically. After the weekend with the couch incident, I thought it would be really hard to be at school. I knew I wouldn't get much time to spend with Jack. I knew there would be many challenges, emotionally and physically. Jack gave me a blessing on Sunday night, though, and it helped put things in perspective for me as I started the school year. When my feet hurt like crazy, I chose to be happy. When I was so tired I could barely think, I chose to be happy. When I got in arguments with my mom or husband, I chose to move on and be happy. When the morning started out rough, I chose to be happy. I was happy every day at school. Every single period, even the ones with my challenging students. I have felt an incredible amount of joy, and I feel amazing.

Even when I have gotten down, I've done the things I've known to do to lift myself up. When I've gotten down, I haven't let staying down be an option. I've listened to Conference talks, religious music, my favorite instrumentals, and my recovery playlist while driving. I've prayed when I can. I've read quotes on my LDS Wisdom app (which is really great for a quick pick-me-up).

I'm happy :)

 (so happy, that I may or may not have just had a dance party by myself to this song. actually, it might have been with my dog)

The last big thing I've learned is how to use the power of the Atonement. I definitely still don't feel like I am a pro at that. I still have growing to do. I still have work to do. I have many questions to be answered, and I know there will be times in the future when I will feel like I have absolutely no clue and will have to start learning the Atonement over. But I've used the Atonement in so many ways. The Savior has helped me with my physical pain. He has helped me with my emotional pain. When Jack has had relapses (because, of course, that is still happening in the background of my other life at school), I've felt overpowering peace. He has helped me choose to be happy. He has been by my side. He has helped me see the divine nature of each of my students. He has helped me feel love. He has helped me want to serve Him. He has helped me learn, even when I only have five to ten minutes to study my scriptures.

He is amazing.

Oh yeah, I've actually learned another thing. There is still good in the world. Even though we are fighting some serious battles with Satan, there is still good. I sometimes forget that. But I was more than reminded of that when I read two classes' responses to the question, "If you could make any difference in the world, what would you do and why?" They had some amazing, moving responses.

Carried Through Weak and Powerless

Today I woke up feeling weak and powerless. I've been so incredibly emotional the past few days.

The couch thing didn't turn out bad. Like I said in my last post, it made him think and realize the severity of the situation. Yesterday morning, he climbed into bed with me when my alarm went off, and we kind of clung to one another for a few minutes before we got up to go swim. 

After we swam, we went to my school where we spent seven hours doing stuff in my classroom (he is a trooper!). We had fun, and Jack did some incredible service for me. I couldn't be ready for school to start tomorrow if it hadn't been for him. 

After our long day at work, we went out to dinner. While there, Jack decided he wanted to see a movie. The problem is, by that time, it was kind of late and the only movies playing were high in sexual content or language. I really wanted to see a late show with him because he was so excited about going out to a movie. After looking up different movies to see why they were rated what they were rated and reading the descriptions, I told him I didn't think I could go see anything. In my opinion, most of the movies out right now are crap. Movies could be so much better without that one scene or that one word (and by that one word, I literally mean that one word--that really bad one that is suddenly okay to have more than once in PG-13 movies). We like watching  movies together, but lately, we've found ourselves watching Everybody Loves Raymond re-runs quite often. Seriously. [Today, he said he should change his name to Frank on the blog so we could be Frank and Marie. I suggested that originally, and he shot it down. He is in denial about the fact that he would shut something down that is so genius. But in reality, I wouldn't want to be Frank and Marie anyway. I don't really admire their relationship--I just think it's funny.] 

Anyway, we decided not to go out to a movie... and then the depression hit. With the crazy-busy day winding down and the realization that most of the movies out are ones we are probably not going to see, everything from the past few days caught up to us. First he got depressed. I'm not entirely sure what happened. I think he had been stifling it all day and then it just came out. After his depression came out, then came mine. I went to read my scriptures, but he didn't want to read his. That's a red flag for me, and it got my cycle to rolling. 

I started swimming in depression. Or drowning. I read in the Lorenzo Snow book about the Atonement, and it was really good. But then I fell asleep thinking--worrying and fearful. And here is the heart of my depressed state: I was afraid that his depression would beat him this time. I was afraid that he will give up and choose to live in his addiction. I faced the fear that he will give up on us and me. There is a downward spiral here that I don't want to finish writing about because I'm ashamed of it. I'm afraid of it. I still faced those fears this morning (even now if I choose to dwell there, which I will not choose because I am going to win this battle). I felt like I was drowning in my pain, and I know without a doubt I have been carried through this day.

We watched Return to Me last night. I bawled the whole time. When I watch movies like that, it's hard for me to not put myself in the characters' positions. I was already emotional, and that made the emotions hit me worse. 

I woke up still feeling in a funk. Like I said in the beginning: weak and powerless. However, this day has shown me so many blessings. Christ is very literally holding me up today. I know I'm not carrying myself. I first felt His lifting me up on the way to church when we listened to the songs "Emma" and "One Who Understands." 

I in no way compare my pain to Emma's, but I love this song because it does describe my pain almost perfectly. The situations are different, but I can totally feel this song. The video kind of takes away from how it relates to me because like I said, our situations are totally different. But I hope you get what I'm saying about how I can feel the song. You can listen to it for me, and then watch the video for her if you want.

"One Who Understands" is also one of my favorites. This song is from the Nashville Tribute to the Pioneers (Trek) CD. The power of the Atonement as described in this song, along with the pain, really hits home for me. One of my favorite lines is the part where she feel so helpless she wants to scream. Yes, been there. "Savior, the world was on your shoulders. For every drop of pain that fell in my name, I'm forever thankful...When I think no one could know, when no one else could know, when I think no one could know, I remember One who understands."

These are both in my recovery playlist. They bring me relief and comfort. They were among the songs that came on the other day while I was driving to work (tender mercy). 

I'm experiencing many tender mercies today--from these songs playing on the way to church, to the time I took to write during sacrament meeting, to the lyrics to the sacrament hymn, to the joy I felt teaching Sunday School to my kids, to the lesson we had in Relief Society ("Lord, I Believe" from General Conference). I know I'm being carried, and for that I'm so grateful. I know that all the fear I feel/have felt is from Satan, and I'm trying to battle it. I'm trying to cling to my Savior and let Him lift me up.

Today started out rocky. It's going well, though. This is one of those times I talked about in my Scaffolding post where God is holding me up so I don't fall down, but I know soon I will have the strength I need to do this on my own, and He will lift me up again when I face harder challenges. He is always there. Always.

"If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth."--Mark 9:23


And sometimes it's okay to drown your sorrows in fresh cookies :D