Meeting with Stake President

I met with my stake president on Sunday.

So. Many. Emotions.

I was really nervous. I felt that I needed to reach out to him at this point in my life, but how awful would it have been if I left there feeling invalidated and uncared for? That was a real fear because I didn't have a good experience with my bishop. And I didn't have a good experience with my LDS counselor who had stellar reviews from what I could tell (and the referrals I was given to him). So I was very nervous to meet with my stake president, but it exceeded expectations by far.

The meeting was exactly what I needed. I was heard. The things I was struggling with were not taken lightly, and he did not use them to make me feel foolish for not having some kind of blind faith in things I was struggling to understand. He listened. He heard. He taught. He spoke with love, kindness, and empathy. I could feel from him something I've been yearning to feel for a long time now in my current ward. The spirit and light I felt in that room with the stake president were simply undeniable, and I was reminded of the love my Heavenly Father has for me, for all of us.

At one point, he told me, "You have been dealt a very unfair hand." And he mourned with me. How validating is that?!

I'm so grateful I had this opportunity, and I'm even more grateful I didn't chicken out of my meeting. I gained so much, and it gave me strength. We had a really beautiful discussion about the Atonement, and reflecting back on this meeting has made some of my other trials this week that much easier.

So many of us have had poor run-ins with church leaders. I pray that we can all have an experience like this where you leave feeling understood, edified, and light.

I want to be a disciple of Christ

As I've been studying step 8, I realized I have to ask myself, "Do I want to seek forgiveness?"

Seeking forgiveness requires humility. It requires patience (especially with self). It requires faith. It requires charity. It requires me to seek out and use the power of the Atonement.

See that list I just made? Those are HARD. Some are harder than others, but nevertheless, they are hard. They are weaknesses I have identified in myself, and I'm still working on overcoming them.

Do I want to seek forgiveness? Sometimes I don't. Sometimes the idea just seems so hard. Sometimes I want my husband to just read my mind. I want him (and whoever else I have wronged) to know that I am sorry and just forgive me. I don't want to work. I don't want to "seek forgiveness." Because my nature is stubborn and prideful. And it's much easier to be stubborn and prideful than to do the opposite.

Do I like myself when I am that way? No, not really. I have felt the power of the Spirit in my life. I have felt peace come with humility, patience, and charity. I don't like myself very much when I turn to the "natural man" and give up on becoming the "peaceable follower of Christ" that I desire to become.

 Do I want to seek forgiveness? YES.

Why? Because it's the next step to bring me closer to Christ. Because I want peace. Because I am trying to be a disciple of Christ. Because I love my husband (and the others whom I have hurt), and I want to make things right.

The content of this step is so powerful. I don't know how to adequately describe it. I'll do my best to express my thoughts and feelings on this.

My ultimate goal is to be a disciple of Christ.

Credit

I want to emulate Christ in thought, word, and deed. That's a hard task to achieve, but it can be done through the power of the Atonement. I know that to become the woman of God I desire to be, I have to forgive and seek forgiveness. It comes down to humility, which is probably my greatest weakness.

I've already added so much commotion and craziness to my life and the world around me. I know I'm not, nor will I be in this life, perfect. But, as I try to become the woman my patriarchal blessing describes, I will become more perfect. As I try to become who Christ would have me be through strengthening my relationship with Him, I will become more perfect. As I become more perfect, I will contribute more peace to this life than I ever thought possible. I won't be able to do that if I 1) harbor negative feelings (for *ahem* myself or others), or 2) fail to humble myself and seek to make right my wrongs.

The deeper I delve into the gospel and gain more understanding, the stronger I feel. I definitely have my days where I feel weak, but when I study my scriptures and other gospel tools, I feel strength. I feel power. I feel the armor of God protecting me.

Forgiveness is at the heart of the gospel. Forgiveness, along with love, is the heart of the Atonement. If I do not seek forgiveness, I am not accepting Christ's gift. If I don't forgive, I am denying the power of the Atonement as it works for others. If I seek to forgive and seek forgiveness for myself, I gain a stronger understanding of the Atonement and strengthen myself with God's armor.

So, as I clean up my wreckage, I will put on the armor of God (see Eph. 6:11-18). I will seek forgiveness, forgive, and gain the power and strength the Atonement offers.

Who's in?

Who do you want to be?

Today has been a very busy day. I won't have time to go into detail about step 2, really. I just wanted to share something I have been thinking about lately.

A couple days ago as I was driving, I had this question hit me (and it was so intense that it caused me to miss my turn): who do you want to be? Sometimes, I drive without music so things like that can happen to me :) Music (if listened to too often) can clog our ability to receive the Spirit.

So I asked myself last night and wrote about it in my journal: who do I want to be?

There are a some things that I want of myself really badly. They are always peeking, but not always ready to come out. I decided it's time for these "peeking" traits to start making a full-time appearance in my life. I need some change. I'm ready to fill my life with optimism, passion, and joy.

Ultimately, I have the choice to become whomever I want. There is always a choice. Sometimes, we can't see the choice because it is hidden behind other things. I am ready to uncover my choices.

I want to be a disciple of Christ.

I want to be a giver.

I want to be a lover of life.

I want to jump at every opportunity, take chances, have no fear, just live and learn.

I want to have a deep passion for everything I do.

I want to turn shadows into sunshine.

I want to be grateful for the glass, whether it's half-empty or half-full (it's usually half-full).

I want to be head-over-heels in love.

I want my breath to be taken away every morning when I see my husband sleeping by my side.

I want to be able to look at my husband and have my heart melt because he is mine.

I started with a disciple of Christ because that is the most important. When the list gets down to my husband... those things can happen too, and yes, they are in my control. Even though he has done many things that have hurt our marriage, so have I. I have noticed that when I have the proper attitude, he does take my breath away. My heart does melt when I catch him looking at me. But, I want that all the time. To have that, I need to have a heart full of Christ-like love, ready to forgive, and full of gratitude. That's where the other stuff come in that are on my list. It's hard to explain what is going through my head and heart right now. But this is what I want, and I know that I can have this. I guess it ties perfectly into step 2 because a heart full of hope and love is what will bring me the optimism, passion, and joy that I desire. And hope is what I need to take me to the next step to where I desire to go.

Look out, world. Here comes the new me!