Last weekend, I had the blessed opportunity to attend the Togetherness Project! I love this organization so much. Much of my healing has been through classes I've attended and people I've met. I will be forever grateful to the people who put this together and sacrifice so much of their time and energy to help strengthen those of us suffering from the effects of sex addiction.
I haven't been able to stop thinking about one of the classes I attended. Rhyll Croshaw spoke about living recovery one day at a time.
I've been in a kind of pit where I have been so focused on my baby and my family and not spending enough time on ME. I've been working on that and trying to find balance, but it's hard. My needs change on a daily basis depending on different triggers and trauma or whether or not I feel like I can even handle thinking about having this addiction as part of my life (and besides, I have a baby now, so I really can't spend so much time focusing on me. That makes the balancing act more tricky.). Most of the time, my recovery work simply looks like self-care. But if I'm only doing self-care, that leaves out a lot of other things that are necessary for my recovery.
It's like I'm only going halfway to recovery because I know I need some aspect of recovery, but I don't want to think about it. I've let recovery books, programs, blogs, and support groups fall to the wayside because I just don't want to think about it. Not to mention I might be spending way too much time and energy focusing on healing my relationship with Ben. I'm the kind of person that likes to do things myself so I can make sure they are done right. I'm afraid (from fear but also from experience) that if I leave our relationship recovery too much up to Ben, nothing will happen or things will be made worse. So even though I try to be hands off about his recovery and letting things heal as they heal, I really do try to take matters into my own hands way too often. It's exhausting. Because when things don't work as I think they should, I get put in another place of trauma or just feel disappointed or angry or upset.
I have not done a good job at surrendering this to God. Like, at all. I try. I give but take back. I can't commit to fully just letting Him handle it because I'm not really a fan of His timeline.
So during Rhyll's class (which I didn't initially want to go to anyway because I thought, "I don't need this, I know all about recovery and taking it one day at a time... haha), she said something that struck me, and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. She said something like, "I had to turn to God and say 'Take him. I can't do this anymore.'" She had done everything she felt like she could to help their marriage and family, and she realized she just couldn't do it. She had to focus on herself, and let herself heal. She had to stop taking so much of the weight of their marriage and his addiction and let God handle that part.
I feel like that was the piece I have been missing! I did this life coaching program with Jacy which was incredible and eye-opening and life changing (and if you can afford to do it, do it! Do it do it do it! Because, like I said, LIFE CHANGING, powerful stuff). I learned so much incredible stuff about taking charge of my life and seeing what I can do for me. But I applied it all to my relationship with Ben, and while that is good and all (because there is much in my relationship with him that I DO need to work on because I am kind of mean and blame everything on him all the time because "he is an addict and has ruined my life"...), I still can't do everything on my own. I'm trying to micromanage too much instead of letting things happen on God's timeline. I'm trying to rush my healing, his healing, and our marriage's healing because I want our family to be "perfect", and I want to start thinking about and planning for more kids. I keep going in circles with myself between accepting my life as it is and hating everything and yearning for what I imagined my life to be at this point.
So, while I'm focusing on my self-care and balancing act, I am also working on surrender. I don't really know how to surrender all of this to God, but I am going to figure it out. In the mean time, I am trying to let go of fretting over his recovery so I can focus on my recovery. I am working a program, I'm reading Rhyll's book, I'm doing self-care, and maybe one of these days I will make it to a group meeting so I can have some in-person support.
I reviewed my safety plan and boundaries again, adding some things that needed to be added. And I am going to work on keeping myself safe. Sometimes I just don't. I don't know why, I just don't stick to my boundaries very well. Probably because I'm afraid of change and push-back from Ben. But I know to keep our home a safe place to keep myself on track with my recovery and healing, I need to stick to my boundaries.
So. Deep breaths. Here I go, jumping back into my recovery.
Showing posts with label change. Show all posts
Showing posts with label change. Show all posts
Thursday, October 22, 2015
Friday, May 23, 2014
Why I Stay
Read the first three posts: 1, 2, 3.
Back when we were dating, I remember asking God to help me love Ben if I was supposed to. When you're dating, there are big decisions ahead. The big decisions could be things like wondering if it's time to break up or to more forward in the relationship.
For me, dating was all a confusing mess. I was dealing with a lot at the time, both in my dating life and my personal life. Ultimately, I had pure motivations. I wanted to follow God. I didn't know what God had in store for me, I had faith that God knew the plan. I had faith that He would guide me, and I had faith in following His plan. I knew if I did what He directed, I would live the life that could bring me the fullest joy and bring me back to Him.
Dating Ben was complicated. Here I had a man who I knew loved me, but for some reason I couldn't love him back. It took me a while. I've since learned that I had suppressed trauma and that led me to have a hard time forming serious, committed dating relationships. At the time, however, I just felt craziness and confusion spinning around in my head. So I prayed. I felt like it wasn't fair for Ben to love me so much. I felt like it wasn't fair for me to put him through everything I had (dating him, not dating him, dating him again. not dating him again). So I prayed, asking God what to do. I asked God to help me love him if that was what I was supposed to do. I knew if my plan included Ben, God would help me love him.
I find it ironic that I did that while we were dating. I had no obligation to love him. I just felt like we had been through too much, and I cared about him too much, to think that nothing would ever seriously happen between us. It's kind of weird. But, looking back, I see that I learned a valuable lesson about turning to and trusting God through that whole dating experience.
Let's talk about now.
When I manage to pull out of the depression and anger to really evaluate what is going on, I know that now is not the time to leave my marriage. I've seriously contemplated separation. We were separated in February and March--February with minimal contact, and March with more frequent contact. I've contemplated separation again, but right now I don't know if that's right. I think it would be more of an escape rather than a boundary. I feel like right now, we are supposed to be working together. Together, not separated.
Whether or not I ask for a separation, I'm not planning on leaving the marriage for good (at least not right now. I do know it's a possibility in the future). I'm choosing to stay. This is why:
1. I feel like God wants me to. And no matter what, I will try to have faith in that and follow God's plan for me.
2. I have hope. While things are certainly hard and trying, I have hope that Ben will be healed, I will be healed, and our marriage will be healed.
3. I am growing. If God wants me to stay, at the very least I can see that I am growing and developing strength and faith that will help me, and help me help others, throughout my life.
4. I love Ben. Sometimes I hate him, but deep down, I love him. I'm not ready nor willing to give up everything we've fought for. Right now, I won't accept no as an answer from him. He will be in recovery, and he will be healed. (We'll see how that goes. I, in reality, have no say over his being in recovery.)
My love for Ben and my love for God are driving me to stay. I really do have hope that Ben will be healed because I have hope in the Atonement, and I have hope in light's power over darkness. It helps that Ben has made a lot of progress in the past few years. Even though his progress can be fickle, I do know that if he weren't making progress, we would be living a whole different story.
As we uncover more and more how the addiction has harmed our marriage, sometimes my life feels empty and dark. But, I have hope because the only reason "we" are uncovering more and more about the addiction is because of the work Ben is doing. He is in recovery. He isn't perfect, but he is progressing.
Ben isn't always honest, but he is much more honest with himself and me than he used to be.
He is also getting better at communicating icky, emotional things that are uncomfortable to discuss.
He loves me too.
His empathy for me is ever-increasing as he realizes the impact the addiction has on me and on our marriage. And he tries to empathize and understand me.
He is getting better at shame-busting.
He does a lot for me, too. I don't want to get all sappy and talk about all the cute things he does. But, if he didn't have the addiction, I probably couldn't imagine a life any different or better. So, he's got that going for him. Now, if only we could get rid of the stupid addiction...
The moral of the story is I have hope. And I'm grateful for a husband who is trying. I keep telling him, as long as he tries, I will try. If he stops trying, and I know there is no hope to get the real Ben back, that is likely when I will stop trying as well. That is when we should be really worried for our marriage.
Right now, I'm staying. Even thought it all sucks. The light I feel from hope will conquer the darkness I feel from the crappiness of my situation. Lately, I've had more dark days than light. But I'm trying to turn that around. Light is supposed to win.
And I know things. I know God. I know Jesus Christ. I know with them, I will win, whatever winning is. I will win because of them. That's what I'm holding on to. Faith and hope.
I started writing this little saga on Monday. It was supposed to be a post about the irony of my life right now. But then I started getting into more detailed processing, which is why it has turned into four posts. I just want to say thank you for loving and supporting me as I've processed my hurt and anger right now. I was stuffing it inside instead of dealing with it. I'm glad I could finally attempt to deal with it. And Wendy, don't worry. I'm holding on to what I know. Thanks for keeping me in line :D
Back when we were dating, I remember asking God to help me love Ben if I was supposed to. When you're dating, there are big decisions ahead. The big decisions could be things like wondering if it's time to break up or to more forward in the relationship.
For me, dating was all a confusing mess. I was dealing with a lot at the time, both in my dating life and my personal life. Ultimately, I had pure motivations. I wanted to follow God. I didn't know what God had in store for me, I had faith that God knew the plan. I had faith that He would guide me, and I had faith in following His plan. I knew if I did what He directed, I would live the life that could bring me the fullest joy and bring me back to Him.
Dating Ben was complicated. Here I had a man who I knew loved me, but for some reason I couldn't love him back. It took me a while. I've since learned that I had suppressed trauma and that led me to have a hard time forming serious, committed dating relationships. At the time, however, I just felt craziness and confusion spinning around in my head. So I prayed. I felt like it wasn't fair for Ben to love me so much. I felt like it wasn't fair for me to put him through everything I had (dating him, not dating him, dating him again. not dating him again). So I prayed, asking God what to do. I asked God to help me love him if that was what I was supposed to do. I knew if my plan included Ben, God would help me love him.
I find it ironic that I did that while we were dating. I had no obligation to love him. I just felt like we had been through too much, and I cared about him too much, to think that nothing would ever seriously happen between us. It's kind of weird. But, looking back, I see that I learned a valuable lesson about turning to and trusting God through that whole dating experience.
Let's talk about now.
When I manage to pull out of the depression and anger to really evaluate what is going on, I know that now is not the time to leave my marriage. I've seriously contemplated separation. We were separated in February and March--February with minimal contact, and March with more frequent contact. I've contemplated separation again, but right now I don't know if that's right. I think it would be more of an escape rather than a boundary. I feel like right now, we are supposed to be working together. Together, not separated.
Whether or not I ask for a separation, I'm not planning on leaving the marriage for good (at least not right now. I do know it's a possibility in the future). I'm choosing to stay. This is why:
1. I feel like God wants me to. And no matter what, I will try to have faith in that and follow God's plan for me.
2. I have hope. While things are certainly hard and trying, I have hope that Ben will be healed, I will be healed, and our marriage will be healed.
3. I am growing. If God wants me to stay, at the very least I can see that I am growing and developing strength and faith that will help me, and help me help others, throughout my life.
4. I love Ben. Sometimes I hate him, but deep down, I love him. I'm not ready nor willing to give up everything we've fought for. Right now, I won't accept no as an answer from him. He will be in recovery, and he will be healed. (We'll see how that goes. I, in reality, have no say over his being in recovery.)
My love for Ben and my love for God are driving me to stay. I really do have hope that Ben will be healed because I have hope in the Atonement, and I have hope in light's power over darkness. It helps that Ben has made a lot of progress in the past few years. Even though his progress can be fickle, I do know that if he weren't making progress, we would be living a whole different story.
As we uncover more and more how the addiction has harmed our marriage, sometimes my life feels empty and dark. But, I have hope because the only reason "we" are uncovering more and more about the addiction is because of the work Ben is doing. He is in recovery. He isn't perfect, but he is progressing.
Ben isn't always honest, but he is much more honest with himself and me than he used to be.
He is also getting better at communicating icky, emotional things that are uncomfortable to discuss.
He loves me too.
His empathy for me is ever-increasing as he realizes the impact the addiction has on me and on our marriage. And he tries to empathize and understand me.
He is getting better at shame-busting.
He does a lot for me, too. I don't want to get all sappy and talk about all the cute things he does. But, if he didn't have the addiction, I probably couldn't imagine a life any different or better. So, he's got that going for him. Now, if only we could get rid of the stupid addiction...
The moral of the story is I have hope. And I'm grateful for a husband who is trying. I keep telling him, as long as he tries, I will try. If he stops trying, and I know there is no hope to get the real Ben back, that is likely when I will stop trying as well. That is when we should be really worried for our marriage.
Right now, I'm staying. Even thought it all sucks. The light I feel from hope will conquer the darkness I feel from the crappiness of my situation. Lately, I've had more dark days than light. But I'm trying to turn that around. Light is supposed to win.
And I know things. I know God. I know Jesus Christ. I know with them, I will win, whatever winning is. I will win because of them. That's what I'm holding on to. Faith and hope.
I started writing this little saga on Monday. It was supposed to be a post about the irony of my life right now. But then I started getting into more detailed processing, which is why it has turned into four posts. I just want to say thank you for loving and supporting me as I've processed my hurt and anger right now. I was stuffing it inside instead of dealing with it. I'm glad I could finally attempt to deal with it. And Wendy, don't worry. I'm holding on to what I know. Thanks for keeping me in line :D
Thursday, March 20, 2014
I Am Broken
I recently made some big decisions that are potentially life-altering.
What it comes down to is this: after much thought, consideration, weighing, and prayer/personal revelation, I have decided to quit my job and move to Texas. I will move sometime in the next 10-14 days.
Whaaaaaat?
Yeah.
If you're new to this corner of the world, I'm a teacher. I teach high-school in a very small town. Not only does this decision have a huge impact on me and my life, it is going to have a major impact on my students, the kids I hold dear to my heart. They are my babies. I love them with a love you can only know as a teacher. I ache for the ones I know won't adjust well. I ache for the sub who's life may feel miserable for a bit until my students trust her more and miss me less.
I've received a lot of negativity about leaving. I've been told I'm being irresponsible and inconsiderate to break my contract. I've been told that I'm not trying hard enough to make it work, and that if I tried hard enough, I could last until the end of the school year. I've been told that I'm letting my students down. I've been begged by students to stay here. I've been told that "husbands are overrated anyway", in joking of course, but the message still stuck.
I've also received a lot of positive feedback about my decision. For most people, I've just explained it simply: "Well, my husband started a new job six weeks ago, and we are experiencing some family crises right now and after much thought and prayer, I feel like I need to be with him to help take care of my family." It's a simple answer that most people respect and/or admire. Even my students respect it. Some students have seen through that story, though, and have realized that it's not just "family issues" or "family crises." I've confided to a few people (the students who have seen through me, along with some faculty members) that it's not just "family stuff"--it is, in fact, marital stuff. My marriage is at risk. Only two people at school know the real issue comes down to porn stuff.
So, I'm moving to Texas, right now, in the middle of the school year, for what feels like a true effort to save my marriage (that "save my marriage" part stems from recent developments/disclosures/trauma since he moved to Texas).
My marriage is at risk. I hate saying that. But I'm trying to embrace it, I guess.
My marriage is at risk. My marriage is at risk. My marriage is at risk. [Betrayal trauma is real.]
I know I am not in control of what happens here. I know there are so many factors that are completely not up to me. I know I can only do so much, and I know I can't control his addiction. But, I do feel that I need to go to Texas. I have received spiritual confirmation, and no amount of people criticizing this decision or thinking of the alternative will make me change my mind. Sure, it adds stress, but I know this is the right move on my part.
I'm making a lot of sacrifices to do this.
I also have a lot of fear. There are so many what-ifs. [Betrayal trauma is real.]
I'm a little angry that I feel like my marriage is in such a desperate state. It's not fair. This was not supposed to be my life. And, heck, I've only been married for three and a half years. I'm too young to feel so much pain and heartache.
I keep learning new things about my husband's addiction.
I also keep having panic attacks. Like with chest pains and breathing difficulty. [Betrayal trauma is real!]
Sometimes I don't know if I can go on. But I do (and I realize that I have literally been carried by God for more days than I can count. He has certainly not left me alone).
I took some time tonight to list in my journal questions that haunt my mind:
Do I believe in love?
What is love?
Is love even attainable?
Will I be able to trust Ben again?
Is my marriage capable of being saved?
Will we ever have what I thought we had, or will we ever have something even close to that, or even better?
Can we make it joyfully?
Will I love him?
Will I desire him--and receive a good version of him in return?
As I pondered these questions, all I could think of was, "All can be made right through the Atonement." There is hope. If there was no hope, there would be no Atonement. I know Christ performed the Atonement. Therefore, I have hope.
Just because I have hope doesn't mean I'm not broken right now.
I am broken.
But I can be made whole.
So can Ben.
ps, I have a recent obsession with Christina Perri. I've always liked her, but her recent songs just speak to me so much right now.
So, in case you're interested:
"I've had enough. I'm standing up. I need, I need a change...I'm setting fire to the life that I know. We start a fire everywhere that we go. We starting fires, we starting fires, till our lives are burning gold."
This one is dedicated to the lonely ache that takes the place where love and trust was:
I could list way more. But maybe I'll save them for my next post. Ha.
What it comes down to is this: after much thought, consideration, weighing, and prayer/personal revelation, I have decided to quit my job and move to Texas. I will move sometime in the next 10-14 days.
Whaaaaaat?
Yeah.
If you're new to this corner of the world, I'm a teacher. I teach high-school in a very small town. Not only does this decision have a huge impact on me and my life, it is going to have a major impact on my students, the kids I hold dear to my heart. They are my babies. I love them with a love you can only know as a teacher. I ache for the ones I know won't adjust well. I ache for the sub who's life may feel miserable for a bit until my students trust her more and miss me less.
I've received a lot of negativity about leaving. I've been told I'm being irresponsible and inconsiderate to break my contract. I've been told that I'm not trying hard enough to make it work, and that if I tried hard enough, I could last until the end of the school year. I've been told that I'm letting my students down. I've been begged by students to stay here. I've been told that "husbands are overrated anyway", in joking of course, but the message still stuck.
I've also received a lot of positive feedback about my decision. For most people, I've just explained it simply: "Well, my husband started a new job six weeks ago, and we are experiencing some family crises right now and after much thought and prayer, I feel like I need to be with him to help take care of my family." It's a simple answer that most people respect and/or admire. Even my students respect it. Some students have seen through that story, though, and have realized that it's not just "family issues" or "family crises." I've confided to a few people (the students who have seen through me, along with some faculty members) that it's not just "family stuff"--it is, in fact, marital stuff. My marriage is at risk. Only two people at school know the real issue comes down to porn stuff.
So, I'm moving to Texas, right now, in the middle of the school year, for what feels like a true effort to save my marriage (that "save my marriage" part stems from recent developments/disclosures/trauma since he moved to Texas).
My marriage is at risk. I hate saying that. But I'm trying to embrace it, I guess.
My marriage is at risk. My marriage is at risk. My marriage is at risk. [Betrayal trauma is real.]
I know I am not in control of what happens here. I know there are so many factors that are completely not up to me. I know I can only do so much, and I know I can't control his addiction. But, I do feel that I need to go to Texas. I have received spiritual confirmation, and no amount of people criticizing this decision or thinking of the alternative will make me change my mind. Sure, it adds stress, but I know this is the right move on my part.
I'm making a lot of sacrifices to do this.
I also have a lot of fear. There are so many what-ifs. [Betrayal trauma is real.]
I'm a little angry that I feel like my marriage is in such a desperate state. It's not fair. This was not supposed to be my life. And, heck, I've only been married for three and a half years. I'm too young to feel so much pain and heartache.
I keep learning new things about my husband's addiction.
I also keep having panic attacks. Like with chest pains and breathing difficulty. [Betrayal trauma is real!]
Sometimes I don't know if I can go on. But I do (and I realize that I have literally been carried by God for more days than I can count. He has certainly not left me alone).
I took some time tonight to list in my journal questions that haunt my mind:
Do I believe in love?
What is love?
Is love even attainable?
Will I be able to trust Ben again?
Is my marriage capable of being saved?
Will we ever have what I thought we had, or will we ever have something even close to that, or even better?
Can we make it joyfully?
Will I love him?
Will I desire him--and receive a good version of him in return?
As I pondered these questions, all I could think of was, "All can be made right through the Atonement." There is hope. If there was no hope, there would be no Atonement. I know Christ performed the Atonement. Therefore, I have hope.
Just because I have hope doesn't mean I'm not broken right now.
I am broken.
But I can be made whole.
So can Ben.
ps, I have a recent obsession with Christina Perri. I've always liked her, but her recent songs just speak to me so much right now.
So, in case you're interested:
"I've had enough. I'm standing up. I need, I need a change...I'm setting fire to the life that I know. We start a fire everywhere that we go. We starting fires, we starting fires, till our lives are burning gold."
The next video resonates with me because it's kind of desperate. And I feel like I can relate to the pain and desire to just want to love.
This one is dedicated to the lonely ache that takes the place where love and trust was:
I could list way more. But maybe I'll save them for my next post. Ha.
Saturday, April 20, 2013
Opposition
It seems that the harder I try, or the stronger I desire, to have a real change of heart, the more opposition I face. I face depression threatening to overtake me. This depression takes on many forms. Satan is a sly one. He wants me to feel worthless. He wants me to feel like I am stuck in blackness and give up in trying to find the light.
Sometimes it seems like it would be so much easier to just give up. Sometimes I can't see anything but blackness, so wallowing in self-hatred or despair seems so much more welcoming than trying to find my way out of the blackness.
Yesterday, I read in 2 Nephi that "the way is narrow, but it lieth in a straight course before him" and at the end of the road is the gate to heaven. It is sometimes hard to stay on a narrow path, especially when the path has some dark spots where Satan is trying to pull you off. But the path is straight. Think about when you are driving. How much easier is it to get where you have never been if all you have to do is go straight?
God has prepared the way. The way is hard because of Satan, but it's a straight drive. We can make it if we follow the directions he has given us.
If you feel like you want to give up because the opposition is so much, don't. Don't give up. Don't sacrifice your eternal salvation for what seems easier now. If you did, where would you be? You would be in the chains of hell with Satan, who really doesn't care about you: he just wants you to be miserable like him.
Find the light and follow it. If you can't see it, just keep going straight. Pray and read your scriptures. Remember God is only as far away as the distance it is to kneel and pray to Him. Sometimes, He is even closer, you just don't see Him through Satan's blackness.
Sometimes it seems like it would be so much easier to just give up. Sometimes I can't see anything but blackness, so wallowing in self-hatred or despair seems so much more welcoming than trying to find my way out of the blackness.
Yesterday, I read in 2 Nephi that "the way is narrow, but it lieth in a straight course before him" and at the end of the road is the gate to heaven. It is sometimes hard to stay on a narrow path, especially when the path has some dark spots where Satan is trying to pull you off. But the path is straight. Think about when you are driving. How much easier is it to get where you have never been if all you have to do is go straight?
God has prepared the way. The way is hard because of Satan, but it's a straight drive. We can make it if we follow the directions he has given us.
If you feel like you want to give up because the opposition is so much, don't. Don't give up. Don't sacrifice your eternal salvation for what seems easier now. If you did, where would you be? You would be in the chains of hell with Satan, who really doesn't care about you: he just wants you to be miserable like him.
Find the light and follow it. If you can't see it, just keep going straight. Pray and read your scriptures. Remember God is only as far away as the distance it is to kneel and pray to Him. Sometimes, He is even closer, you just don't see Him through Satan's blackness.
Friday, April 19, 2013
Things I am trying to change
I've been thinking a lot about what I can do to change my heart. Of course, there is much I could do, but I need to break it down into baby steps. It's hard to make a dramatic change. For me, it has to come through small and simple means.
So, I decided on a couple of things. First, I need to say more prayers out loud. So, if I really need my time to pray out loud and really concentrate, I tell me husband to leave (or not come in) our room so I can do that. I also need to say more prayers in general, so I am really trying to take the time to pray when I remember to (I am trying to make that more frequent). I had a great example when I went out with the sister missionaries, and we prayed every time we got in and out of the car. Opening myself up to God that much and recognizing and thanking Him that often really helped me feel more humble and submissive. So, I am trying to practice that in my daily life. I (cough, cough) don't have anything to report about that because I kind of keep forgetting to pray more frequently. But, it's a work in progress.
I started listening to General Conference talks on the drive to work, though. That has given me a fantastic start to my day. The past few days that I have listened to talks in the morning while driving, I have seen so much more light and felt so much lighter. I have been happier and not as stressed out.
Those are the things I am focusing on right now: more vocal prayers, more prayers in general, and listening to conference talks in the mornings. When I those are habits, then I will add on something else.
I can't wait to start seeing more positive changes!
So, I decided on a couple of things. First, I need to say more prayers out loud. So, if I really need my time to pray out loud and really concentrate, I tell me husband to leave (or not come in) our room so I can do that. I also need to say more prayers in general, so I am really trying to take the time to pray when I remember to (I am trying to make that more frequent). I had a great example when I went out with the sister missionaries, and we prayed every time we got in and out of the car. Opening myself up to God that much and recognizing and thanking Him that often really helped me feel more humble and submissive. So, I am trying to practice that in my daily life. I (cough, cough) don't have anything to report about that because I kind of keep forgetting to pray more frequently. But, it's a work in progress.
I started listening to General Conference talks on the drive to work, though. That has given me a fantastic start to my day. The past few days that I have listened to talks in the morning while driving, I have seen so much more light and felt so much lighter. I have been happier and not as stressed out.
Those are the things I am focusing on right now: more vocal prayers, more prayers in general, and listening to conference talks in the mornings. When I those are habits, then I will add on something else.
I can't wait to start seeing more positive changes!
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Experiencing a change of heart
"In one who is really wholly converted, desire for things contrary to the gospel of Jesus Christ has actually died. And substituted therefore is a love of God, with a fixed and controlling determination to keep his commandments.” -Marion G. Romney
Action steps:
1) Be willing to allow the Savior to convert your heart.
2) Attend Sunday school, Relief Society, and Priesthood meetings.
3) Be willing to be changed so imperfections may be removed by the power of God.
So, what does it take to become wholly converted? What can we do to experience that change of heart?
The most important tools have been given us by our loving Father. We have an open door of communication through prayer, and we have the scriptures to guide and direct us.
First, I want to talk about prayer. Prayer is such a wonderful gift from Heavenly Father. Through prayer, we can tell Him everything. We can tell Him our fears and cares. We can tell Him our desires. We can tell Him that we want to be changed, and we want to be converted, but we don't know how. We can ask for His help. He can give us revelation. Through prayer, we can bring His spirit into our hearts. If we pray often, He will be with us often.
Scriptures are also crucial. As we study the scriptures, we can be led to words of comfort. We can learn of examples of the prophets to follow. We can learn of Christ and try to emulate His character. We can bring sweet peace into our hearts. We can be awakened to repentance. And words of the scriptures can be a constant reminder of who we are, who we can become, and what to do to get there.
Going to church and attending my meetings is another huge blessing for me. There are days where I was so emotional and didn't want to go. Those days are much fewer now. But I learned that there is a pattern to when I don't want to attend my meetings. It usually happens when I will gain something fantastic from church and satan wants to keep me from bring there. I love church. I love the spirit I feel there, and I love going there to worship. When I remember that my focus is to worship God, I gain so much more, and the spirit hits me stronger.
Those three things--prayer, scriptures, and attending church--are all so important to bringing the Spirit into your life. As the Spirit finds a place in your life, your heart will become softer, and you will gradually come closer to Christ.
In order to experience a true change of heart, you truly have to be willing. I know, it's scary. I'm the kind of girl who has a hard time dealing with change, even if it is good. Change is just, well, change. It's different. It's intimidating. It's scary to be something different; that's why a change of heart can seem overwhelming. But, if you have courage to act in faith and trust God, He will change you. His power will remove your imperfections. His power will make up what you cannot accomplish on your own.
Even now, two years after trying to heal from this trial, I'm not perfect. I still need a change of heart. But, I have healed a lot. Here are some changes I have experienced already:
-My attitude has changed from Husband doing this to me. I no longer take it personally. I can see His struggles and try to help Him.
-I am more patient. In general, I am more patient and loving to those around me (including myself)
-I am much happier.
-I can see my blessings for what they are: tender mercies from a loving Father.
-I am more willing to serve.
-I can feel joy and peace.
There is so much more, but those are some. I still have lots of work to do, but I'm getting there. As long as I keep working hard and relying on God and turning myself over to Him, I have faith that I will get where I am supposed to go and become the woman He knows I can be.
Action steps:
1) Be willing to allow the Savior to convert your heart.
2) Attend Sunday school, Relief Society, and Priesthood meetings.
3) Be willing to be changed so imperfections may be removed by the power of God.
So, what does it take to become wholly converted? What can we do to experience that change of heart?
The most important tools have been given us by our loving Father. We have an open door of communication through prayer, and we have the scriptures to guide and direct us.
First, I want to talk about prayer. Prayer is such a wonderful gift from Heavenly Father. Through prayer, we can tell Him everything. We can tell Him our fears and cares. We can tell Him our desires. We can tell Him that we want to be changed, and we want to be converted, but we don't know how. We can ask for His help. He can give us revelation. Through prayer, we can bring His spirit into our hearts. If we pray often, He will be with us often.
Scriptures are also crucial. As we study the scriptures, we can be led to words of comfort. We can learn of examples of the prophets to follow. We can learn of Christ and try to emulate His character. We can bring sweet peace into our hearts. We can be awakened to repentance. And words of the scriptures can be a constant reminder of who we are, who we can become, and what to do to get there.
Going to church and attending my meetings is another huge blessing for me. There are days where I was so emotional and didn't want to go. Those days are much fewer now. But I learned that there is a pattern to when I don't want to attend my meetings. It usually happens when I will gain something fantastic from church and satan wants to keep me from bring there. I love church. I love the spirit I feel there, and I love going there to worship. When I remember that my focus is to worship God, I gain so much more, and the spirit hits me stronger.
Those three things--prayer, scriptures, and attending church--are all so important to bringing the Spirit into your life. As the Spirit finds a place in your life, your heart will become softer, and you will gradually come closer to Christ.
In order to experience a true change of heart, you truly have to be willing. I know, it's scary. I'm the kind of girl who has a hard time dealing with change, even if it is good. Change is just, well, change. It's different. It's intimidating. It's scary to be something different; that's why a change of heart can seem overwhelming. But, if you have courage to act in faith and trust God, He will change you. His power will remove your imperfections. His power will make up what you cannot accomplish on your own.
Even now, two years after trying to heal from this trial, I'm not perfect. I still need a change of heart. But, I have healed a lot. Here are some changes I have experienced already:
-My attitude has changed from Husband doing this to me. I no longer take it personally. I can see His struggles and try to help Him.
-I am more patient. In general, I am more patient and loving to those around me (including myself)
-I am much happier.
-I can see my blessings for what they are: tender mercies from a loving Father.
-I am more willing to serve.
-I can feel joy and peace.
There is so much more, but those are some. I still have lots of work to do, but I'm getting there. As long as I keep working hard and relying on God and turning myself over to Him, I have faith that I will get where I am supposed to go and become the woman He knows I can be.
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Intro to Step 6: Change of Heart
I am so excited to start step 6! Step 6 is one of my favorites. I think this step is the heart of the 12 steps because steps 1-5 lead to this, and steps 7-12 build upon it.
Step 6 is the change of heart. The key principle is, "Become entirely ready to have God remove all your character weaknesses."
It sounds kind of intimidating, doesn't it? At first, when I approached step 6, I thought I needed to already be ready to have God remove my character weaknesses, and I wasn't sure if I was ready for that. I mean, how do you gain that change of heart? Well, that's what this step is. This step is about finding that willingness in yourself to have God remove your character weaknesses, then you put it into practice later (just like how in step 2, we simply had to come to believe that the power of God could restore us to complete spiritual health. That belief has carried us through our journey, and all step 2 was about was coming to believe it.).
I have a lot of character weaknesses. I discovered that through steps 4 and 5. I did my inventory, and I confessed. Isn't that enough? No. Part of the repentance process (which was part of step 5) is trying to rid yourself of that sin entirely. In other words, the repentance process requires a change of heart.
You might still be asking the question, "Well, isn't this more for my spouse, not me?" If you are asking that question, I hope by the time you have experienced step 6 for yourself that you understand more how going through this process is healing for you. I have finally gotten to the point, and I don't really know when I arrived at this point, where I don't question why I am doing the 12 steps. The reason I am doing the 12 steps is for my healing. And because I love it, and I am drawing closer to Christ. I know that to heal, I have to come unto Christ. And I know that to come unto Christ requires full submission. That means I do need to recognize my own sins and wrongdoings, confess them, and forsake them. Many of the things I wrote about in my inventory and "confessed" in step 5 are either character weaknesses or symptoms (for lack of better word) of my character weaknesses. And those character weaknesses are what prevented me from forgiving and fully loving my husband for a long time. My character weaknesses (for me it includes impatience, holding grudges, anger, expecting perfection, always having to have things go my way, etc) held me back from what I desired most: healing and peace. Those character weaknesses are also all I knew for a long time, and it was really hard to give them up. Well, it is still hard to give them up. I am in a constant process of changing my heart and trying to rid myself of my character weaknesses.
Steps 4 and 5 are steps of serious emotional and spiritual cleansing. After I got through with those steps, I was on a spiritual high. I felt so clean. I studied my scriptures more. I prayed more intently. I felt really good. However, I still felt like something was missing, and that is where step 6 comes in. I really was trying to overcome my negative thoughts and feelings. Most of the time I had the desire to rid myself of my anger and impatience (but, let's be honest, we don't always want to rid ourselves of that because then we don't have any reasons to be mad except for at ourselves). Even if I thought I had that strong desire, it was always so hard to overcome the negativity I had developed inside myself.
I realized through my group meetings and the help of my friends there that I could not overcome those things alone (which goes back to step 1. See, they all work together!). I had to experience a real change of heart to actually lose the desire to turn to my anger, impatience, stress, anxiety, etc.
"'How?' you may cry. 'How can I even begin to accomplish such a change?' Don't be discouraged by these feelings. Step 6, like the steps before it, may feel like an overwhelming challenge. As painful as it may be, you may have to admit, as we did, that recognizing adn confessing your character weaknesses. . . did not necessarily mean you were ready to give them up. You may realize that you still cling to old ways of reacting to and coping with stresses in life. " (pg 35).
Okay, here is what I wrote in my journal last week as I started studying step 6:
"The beautiful thing is that right now, I don't have to change yet. I'm preparing to change by becoming willing to change. Of course, I will start by making some changes, but I'm turning to God and seeking His assistance to become ready to have Him remove my shortcomings.
"I have to surrender myself completely to God. I can't hold on to the desire to change without Him. [Sometimes, we still want to do it by ourselves because we don't want help. We can't do that! We can't hold on to that prideful desire to do it ourselves. That pride will stop us from fully coming unto Christ, and ultimately, reaching our divine potential.]
"This is a process that requires trust and patience. With trust and patience my pride will gradually be replaced by humility. The Lord wants to give me rest from my feelings of isolation. He wants me to use the Atonement that He has put in place for me. I need to heed the promptings of the Spirit and look to Christ for salvation. As I do that, a new character will grow out of my willing heart, and I will have a growing desire to be sanctified by God."
Those were some of my thoughts as I pondered the words in the guidebook. I really want to encourage you to read the guidebook yourself because there is so much important stuff written there, and there is so much room for personal revelation. I know what I need to do, or at least I know what I need to start doing to acquire a true change of heart. However, I don't know what everyone needs to do. We are all different, but God knows what we each need. Read this chapter and take it to Him through prayer. Ask Him to guide you so you know what baby steps you need to start taking for your change of heart.
As you know, this is my second time through the 12 steps. I'm all the way back at step 6, and believe me when I tell you I still need that change of heart. It is a process. And, at different points in the process, we need to do different things to help us progress towards our Father in Heaven.
Next post will talk about action steps! I really want to keep writing right now, but I need to do other things this afternoon too :)
Listen to these songs.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y8hoRn4kD8U
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O1EXpwMbIU0
Step 6 is the change of heart. The key principle is, "Become entirely ready to have God remove all your character weaknesses."
It sounds kind of intimidating, doesn't it? At first, when I approached step 6, I thought I needed to already be ready to have God remove my character weaknesses, and I wasn't sure if I was ready for that. I mean, how do you gain that change of heart? Well, that's what this step is. This step is about finding that willingness in yourself to have God remove your character weaknesses, then you put it into practice later (just like how in step 2, we simply had to come to believe that the power of God could restore us to complete spiritual health. That belief has carried us through our journey, and all step 2 was about was coming to believe it.).
I have a lot of character weaknesses. I discovered that through steps 4 and 5. I did my inventory, and I confessed. Isn't that enough? No. Part of the repentance process (which was part of step 5) is trying to rid yourself of that sin entirely. In other words, the repentance process requires a change of heart.
You might still be asking the question, "Well, isn't this more for my spouse, not me?" If you are asking that question, I hope by the time you have experienced step 6 for yourself that you understand more how going through this process is healing for you. I have finally gotten to the point, and I don't really know when I arrived at this point, where I don't question why I am doing the 12 steps. The reason I am doing the 12 steps is for my healing. And because I love it, and I am drawing closer to Christ. I know that to heal, I have to come unto Christ. And I know that to come unto Christ requires full submission. That means I do need to recognize my own sins and wrongdoings, confess them, and forsake them. Many of the things I wrote about in my inventory and "confessed" in step 5 are either character weaknesses or symptoms (for lack of better word) of my character weaknesses. And those character weaknesses are what prevented me from forgiving and fully loving my husband for a long time. My character weaknesses (for me it includes impatience, holding grudges, anger, expecting perfection, always having to have things go my way, etc) held me back from what I desired most: healing and peace. Those character weaknesses are also all I knew for a long time, and it was really hard to give them up. Well, it is still hard to give them up. I am in a constant process of changing my heart and trying to rid myself of my character weaknesses.
Steps 4 and 5 are steps of serious emotional and spiritual cleansing. After I got through with those steps, I was on a spiritual high. I felt so clean. I studied my scriptures more. I prayed more intently. I felt really good. However, I still felt like something was missing, and that is where step 6 comes in. I really was trying to overcome my negative thoughts and feelings. Most of the time I had the desire to rid myself of my anger and impatience (but, let's be honest, we don't always want to rid ourselves of that because then we don't have any reasons to be mad except for at ourselves). Even if I thought I had that strong desire, it was always so hard to overcome the negativity I had developed inside myself.
I realized through my group meetings and the help of my friends there that I could not overcome those things alone (which goes back to step 1. See, they all work together!). I had to experience a real change of heart to actually lose the desire to turn to my anger, impatience, stress, anxiety, etc.
"'How?' you may cry. 'How can I even begin to accomplish such a change?' Don't be discouraged by these feelings. Step 6, like the steps before it, may feel like an overwhelming challenge. As painful as it may be, you may have to admit, as we did, that recognizing adn confessing your character weaknesses. . . did not necessarily mean you were ready to give them up. You may realize that you still cling to old ways of reacting to and coping with stresses in life. " (pg 35).
Okay, here is what I wrote in my journal last week as I started studying step 6:
"The beautiful thing is that right now, I don't have to change yet. I'm preparing to change by becoming willing to change. Of course, I will start by making some changes, but I'm turning to God and seeking His assistance to become ready to have Him remove my shortcomings.
"I have to surrender myself completely to God. I can't hold on to the desire to change without Him. [Sometimes, we still want to do it by ourselves because we don't want help. We can't do that! We can't hold on to that prideful desire to do it ourselves. That pride will stop us from fully coming unto Christ, and ultimately, reaching our divine potential.]
"This is a process that requires trust and patience. With trust and patience my pride will gradually be replaced by humility. The Lord wants to give me rest from my feelings of isolation. He wants me to use the Atonement that He has put in place for me. I need to heed the promptings of the Spirit and look to Christ for salvation. As I do that, a new character will grow out of my willing heart, and I will have a growing desire to be sanctified by God."
Those were some of my thoughts as I pondered the words in the guidebook. I really want to encourage you to read the guidebook yourself because there is so much important stuff written there, and there is so much room for personal revelation. I know what I need to do, or at least I know what I need to start doing to acquire a true change of heart. However, I don't know what everyone needs to do. We are all different, but God knows what we each need. Read this chapter and take it to Him through prayer. Ask Him to guide you so you know what baby steps you need to start taking for your change of heart.
As you know, this is my second time through the 12 steps. I'm all the way back at step 6, and believe me when I tell you I still need that change of heart. It is a process. And, at different points in the process, we need to do different things to help us progress towards our Father in Heaven.
Next post will talk about action steps! I really want to keep writing right now, but I need to do other things this afternoon too :)
Listen to these songs.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y8hoRn4kD8U
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O1EXpwMbIU0
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