Understanding the Addict Perspective

God has given me countless experiences that have helped me understand things a little more from "the addict perspective." All in all, I'm grateful for every experience even though they sometimes just irritate the heck out of me. Sometimes I don't want to be compassionate: I want him to be compassionate and understanding and just stop it already. I know that can't be, and besides, I know that is way easier said than done.

So, in the end, I am grateful for the experiences God has given me that have helped me understand Ben's perspective a little more. They have helped me develop higher levels of compassion, patience, and humility--three strong elements necessary for working through this addiction together.

One of these experiences happened over the weekend. I started getting depressed about the addiction and infertility. I didn't want to open up to Ben about it because I was embarrassed about fretting over certain things (not that he isn't a complete angel when I'm caught up in my depression). And I seriously did not want to open up to God about it. I felt like He has to be tired of hearing me whine and complain about my trials. I know I will get pregnant when the timing is right, so it's pointless to keep complaining. I also know I can turn to Him and be healed from this pain I feel (regarding every trial I'm currently facing). The thing is, I just don't want to. I want to overcome this on my own. I want to be independent. I want to be strong enough on my own that I can conquer Satan and his demons bringing me down. I want to be the all-powerful Kilee. I just want to do this by myself. I don't like depending on others.

Sound familiar?

Sounds like what I have heard from my addict-spouse.

When I really sit down and think about it, I know all of that is ridiculous. I don't need to be embarrassed of the things that hurt me. And Heavenly Father is certainly not tired of hearing me cry out for comfort and healing. I know I will get pregnant when the timing is right, but I also know that if I keep leaning on the Atonement, I will be blessed in so many ways and have strength to face all of this: my physical medical issues, my depression, my husband's addiction, and my infertility. I know that as I give up my pride and focus on humility, I will grow in so many ways, I will be blessed tremendously, and I will experience peace and joy in the midst of my trials. My life will go on happily, and I will be able to work through these things.

When my husband sits down and thinks about it, he can also (sometimes/most-times) see the ridiculousness of his thought-patterns and actions. He knows what he needs to do, but it's a lot harder to follow through than just think about it.

The natural man is an enemy to God. The natural man craves independence, strength, and power. Those cravings are some of the ways Satan tempts me. When I get caught up in my pride, it's easy for him to creep in and bring me down. And naturally, everything feels worse.

Same goes for the addicts. They also want independence, strength, and power. They want to master this on their own.

I'm seeing Ben slowly turn to Christ. He is doing so more and more, slowly but surely. It's hard to see the changes, have the positive conversations, and know he knows what to do, but have everything happen so slowly. I get impatient, and when I get impatient, I tend to get angry. And then my spiral of depression comes and that is a whole other story.

My point is that God is giving me little moments where I get a glimpse of understanding of what it is like on the addict side because many of the things Ben faces, I face as well--just in a different way. I'm grateful for those little experiences because they do help me with compassion, patience, and humility. When I have the proper perspective, things work a lot better in our relationship. And that is ultimately what I want: a joyful relationship.

Perspective on the journey

"For most of us, the turn away from self and to the Lord that constitutes 'putting off the natural man' is not an immediate, smooth, continuous, and uninterrupted about-face. Rather, we are likely to start and stop, to stumble, and to both press forward and slide backward along the strait and narrow path. We may be disappointed at our apparent lack of progress or disheartened by the gap between what we know and what we actually do.

"Devoted discipleship is rigorous and rewarding, exacting and edifying, demanding and liberating. Sometimes during our mortal journey we may simply think we are incapable of making it to the final destination--that the distance we need to travel and the requirements we must fulfill are just too much. But learning and living the gospel of Jesus Christ is not hard. What truly is hard is failing to live in harmony with the truths of the restored gospel and facing the consequences of allowing the 'natural man' to rule our lives. Selfishness always leads to shallow satisfaction and sorrow and renders unattainable the deepest yearning a of the soul. 

"As we strive to reduce the disparity between what we know and what we do, we are fortified by the knowledge that through the Atonement we can receive grace, mercy, and assurance. These blessings enable us to do good and become better than we ever could if we were relying only on our limited mortal capacity. We do not prepare for and make the trip to eternity alone."

--Elder Bednar, Act in Doctrine, p 89

Understanding the Plan

I just got a new visiting teaching route. My old route wasn't working very well, and the Relief Society president put me with a new companion. I apologized to the Relief Society president today for being a horrible visiting teacher. I have been in a Relief Society presidency. I know, I understand, how important visiting teaching is, and I have beaten myself up about not being a very good visiting teacher since I moved into this ward. I told her this, and she said, "I don't think God would want  you to beat yourself up. You're being way harder on yourself than He would be on you right now. I think He understands your situation, and you are doing your best to serve in the ways you can." I love her.

I've been beating myself up about a lot of things lately. I started taking step 7 to an extreme, and I got really depressed about not being able to overcome my character weaknesses. It caused me to almost (not quite) hate step 7. When I went through the 12 steps for the first time, I didn't do that. I did my best and moved on. At that point in the game, I think I was struggling a little bit, but I was so excited. I was so excited to be making so much progress and seeing my progress. I don't know why I have beaten myself up about it this time through. I think it might be because I'm much more sensitive. And maybe I'm holding myself to a high standard because I think that I can at least control myself...? I'm not entirely sure.

 It's okay to have weaknesses. We're supposed to have weaknesses. Without our weaknesses, what would be the point of this life? What would we need to overcome to get back to Heavenly Father?

Our weaknesses allow us a choice: we can choose to humble ourselves before our Father and try to do His will, or we can choose to be swallowed up in the world. We can choose to sanctify ourselves and try to live as He wants us to, or we can choose to stray from Him.

I've gone back and forth on that. I want to choose Him, but choosing Him is hard. It's hard to put off our will and do His. It's hard to have a constant prayer. Sometimes it's hard to forget myself and serve, especially when my life feels so hard. It's hard to forgive. It's hard to apologize when I am hurting. It's hard to look outside myself when all I can think about are the things tearing me up inside.

I want to choose Him. But sometimes it just feels so hard.

It's even harder when I don't fully understand the Plan of Salvation or the Atonement. It's harder when I don't understand why I am here or why I need to rely on Christ. It's hard to want to turn to the Lord when I don't understand what He has given me or the eternal laws He abides by.

Today I started studying Enos.

Enos wrestled before God.

As he was out hunting, his thoughts were on words he had heard his father speak about about eternal life and the joy of the saints. His soul hungered for that, and he decided to kneel down and pray. He prayed for hours for the redemption of his soul.

After some time, God told him that his sins were forgiven, and he would be blessed.

"And I, Enos, knew that God could not lie; wherefore, my guilt was swept away.

"And I said: Lord, how is it done?

"And he said unto me: Because of thy faith in Christ, whom thou has never before heard nor seen...wherefore, go to, thy faith hath made thee whole."

Because of his faith in Christ, his sins were forgiven and he was made whole.

Sometimes, I don't fully understand the Atonement. My understanding comes and goes. Sometimes, I feel like I totally get it, at least enough of it, to help me through what is going on. And sometimes, I get so clouded in darkness that I forget or just don't understand why I need the Atonement. The past couple of weeks have been kind of like that. I am independent. I like being independent. Independent is safe. I only have to rely on me and no one else.

I know that is dangerous territory. So, I have been stuck in this little hole of wanting independence, but knowing I need to be dependent on God, and basically going in weird little circles. My desire for dependence gets pushed out by my desire for independence...and so on.

After reading that about Enos, I decided I wanted to study the Plan of Salvation and the Atonement. I'm finally being a little more proactive about understanding these things that are giving me a hard time right now. I need to arm myself so I can fight Satan! He has been viciously attacking me since my last post. Urghhhhh. Seriously. I thought I had banished him, but he just laughed and said, "Okay, take this!" By the way, you should read about how my husband and I like to flip Satan off (his blog).

Alma 42 is a great reference for the Plan and Atonement. I read it during the sacrament and made a note to study it in more depth after church.

In this chapter, he talks about what happened after Adam and Eve partook of the fruit of the tree of knowledge. They became as God, knowing good and evil. Because they ate that fruit, God had to protect the tree of life so they wouldn't eat its fruit and live forever.

Why? Why would it be a bad thing for Adam and Eve to be like God, knowing good and evil, and live forever? It sounds to me like that is what we want, right? Don't we want to know good and evil, and aren't we trying to gain eternal life?

That's something I have always struggled with. I have never fully understood why Adam and Eve were not supposed to live forever. Why would that make it so they couldn't repent? Why would that cause the plan to be "frustrated"?

What I am about to say is not necessarily doctrine. It's just what I came up with through my searching of the scriptures and prayers for understanding while I pondered this question today.

Here is what I came up with to answer those questions:

*If Adam and Eve partook of the fruit and lived forever, would they have need of the resurrection? No. If they didn't need the resurrection, that would mess up the Atonement. Part of the Atonement is overcoming temporal death and being resurrected. The Atonement and resurrection go hand-in-hand. Neither would apply to them if they were already able to live forever. It would frustrate the need for Atonement and the Plan.

*We need the resurrection. Without the resurrection (if there was no death to overcome), there would be no purpose of this life. We wouldn't have anything to prove. But we do need this life. We need death. And we need the Atonement. And repentance.

*If Adam and Eve were already able to live forever, where would be the motivation to repent? It could be continually procrastinated because they think they have forever. 

**If they partook of the fruit, there would really be no purpose to this life. We would no longer have this mortal state to be a probationary period. Agency wouldn't matter. We wouldn't be able to "perform (our) labors" or improve ourselves or prepare to meet God. We wouldn't even be able to leave this world because we wouldn't die. We would be forever separated from God.  

So, God, in His wisdom, and as what He knew to be the only way we could possibly live with Him, protected the tree of life from Adam and Eve. He protected it so we wouldn't be forever separated from Him.

Because Adam and Eve partook of the fruit of the tree of knowledge, man became "carnal, sensual, and devilish." Our natural state became an enemy to God, and they only way we could return to Him would be through His infinite mercy. Mercy was brought forth through the Atonement. The Atonement could only work if there were certain conditions of repentance set, so mercy wouldn't destroy the law of justice.

"And thus he shall bring salvation to all those who shall believe on his name; this being the intent of this last sacrifice, to bring about the bowels of mercy, which overpowereth justice, and bringeth about means unto men that they may have faith unto repentance.

"And thus mercy can satisfy the demands of justice, and encircles them in the arms of safety, while he that exercises no faith unto repentance is exposed to the whole law of the demands of justice; therefore only unto him that has faith unto repentance is brought about the great and eternal plan of redemption.

 "Therefore may God grant unto you, my brethren, that ye may begin to exercise your faith unto repentance, that ye begin to call upon his holy name, that he would have mercy upon you."

     -Alma 34: 15-17

Finally, after much prayer and study, I got it! I understand why things are the way they are. I understand the significance of the protection God put around the tree of life so Adam and Eve would not partake. I better understand my path to eternal life. 

It's not any easier.

But I understand.

My husband has a sexual addiction. He is addicted to pornography and masturbation. He has considered leaving me and filling his life with this addiction. He has considered leaving me to live this addiction up to the fullest extent. He has considered suicide. I have experienced a lot of hurt. The thoughts of what he could do are painful.

I have forgiven. 

I have forgiven. 

I have forgiven.

I have been weak. I have been mean. I have been rude. I have acted out in anger. I have manipulated him so I can get my way and my anger across. I have hurt him because he has hurt me.

And I have come a long way. I have seen the healing power of the Atonement in both of our lives. My sins and acting out in pain or anger are not as bad as they have been in the past. But I still struggle with them. I still have progress to make. I still have to depend on the Lord. My healing is about me. It's not about him. It's not about comparing me to anyone else or rationalizing. My healing is about my coming to Christ.  As I draw nearer to Christ, I will become more perfect. I will learn and grow. I will receive revelation for my life. The Spirit will dwell in my home.

So I need to repent. I need to change my attitude and seek out the power of the Atonement.

I need to seek forgiveness. And I need to keep forgiving.

I will mess up. Of course. But it's expected because it's part of the plan. 

I have weaknesses. Of course. But it's expected because it's part of the plan. 

You know what else is part of the plan? Repentance. Forgiveness. Redemption.

I feel like I can finally get over the negativity I have been experiencing because I understand the plan better. I was reminded today of things I already knew, and my knowledge was expanded upon.

 

Today, in Relief Society, someone posed the question, "Why would God trust me with His eternal blessings if I won't submit to His will?"

Good question. 

Credit

Exhaustion

I don't really know what I'm feeling.

Well, I feel a lot. Today, this week, this month--they have all seen and felt a lot. It's all caught up with me today. Maybe because I'm PMSing. Maybe just because. Maybe because of the fights I keep having with my sister and my mom. Maybe because I sometimes feel misunderstood, alone, and forgotten .

I'm grateful for so much. I'm grateful for my job. My husband. My family. My calling. My dog. My scriptures. The Holy Ghost. Ability to receive revelation. Flowers. Trees. Color. The wind. Storms. Sunlight. Books. Paint. My camera. Writing. Fabric. Food. [to name a few...]

I'm also grateful for trials. I'm grateful for pain and weakness.

I'm also tired of trials. I'm tired of pain. And weakness.

I've tried to be so strong lately. I've been on this high, trying to reach perfection. I guess one of my weaknesses is not accepting imperfection in myself.

I've tried so hard to overcome my weaknesses. I even prayed for practice overcoming my weaknesses. I prayed for experience. So, obviously, The Lord has heard and answered my prayers. Now, I need to turn to Him in these times where I feel so weak, small, misunderstood, alone, and forgotten. That's another weakness. I don't like to ask for help.

I have been asking for help, though. Maybe not enough? I don't know. I'm just writing this so I can figure out what's going on.

Over the past week or two, I have had so many experiences where I have remembered humility, and I have tried to turn myself over to God and receive strength. It's exhausting to see how often my weaknesses cause me to fall short. It's exhausting to be constantly apologizing or feeling the need to apologize because, once again, I have let someone down because of my weaknesses. I'm just exhausted.

I know I need to turn to The Lord, and I know I need to read my scriptures (I haven't yet today). I feel like I know what I need to do: I just don't want to. Because I'm tired.

*sigh*

I will, though. I'll do what's right. I'll pray and read my scriptures. Right now.

A prayer for humility: and the aftermath

The past week has been a whirlwind. Crazy. My husband called the weekend alone the weekend from hell. 

One night, I can't remember which one, I was thinking about what I'm doing for step 7. What am I doing to turn my weaknesses over to God and let Him help remove them? As I thought, I just felt that I needed to pray. I haven't been able to get much alone time to pray. So I took advantage of that time, and I prayed. 

Basically, I told God everything I had been thinking and my fears of really turning over my weaknesses to Him. As I prayed, I soon found myself telling Him that I know the one thing I really need is practice strengthening my weaknesses. I asked for opportunities to practice patience, dealing positively with change, not stressing to the max, and not blaming my husband for things just because I don't want to take responsibility. 

It scared me that I prayed for that. I felt a lot of peace, and I knew I needed experiences to help strengthen my weaknesses and turn to God, but really. The idea of what could be coming my way was a little on the frightening side. 

Without going into detail, let's just say that my prayer was most definitely answered. From that point on, I experienced A LOT of high stress situations. Many times, I had to ask myself what was going on and remind myself to think humility. 

Actually, praying so vocally and heartfully (I think I just made up that word?) about humility that one night made it easier to remember humility when the situations arose. Whether it was a big or little situation, I thought humility, and then I felt peace. It helped keep my eyes open to what was going on and what I needed to do, rather than shutting down.

I was definitely not perfect. There were times when I felt like I was being completely overcome by Satan. Sometimes, I had to tell my husband to just let me lay on the bed while I battled it out in my mind. Sometimes I had to battle spur of the moment and try not to do something crazy because of my wrath or stress that was setting in.

This is the visual that always came to mind: I'm laying in a cold, dark room--fighting darkness, anger, and/or stress. It's overwhelming. I feel like I am trapped in a corner, with Evil approaching me with handcuffs. Evil is asking me if I want to do this the easy or hard way. I think of my options. I can give up and let darkness set in. And I fail. Or I can let someone save me. I see light. I pray. Eventually, I win. 

That win was sometimes just barely, and I still needed to repent for harm done to others while I battled with myself. 

The good thing was I managed all of the tough things that came my way this past week. During the times that I started falling too far into darkness, I could at least see what I was doing. I could see where my actions were hurting others around me, and I was quick to apologize. There were even times where I said, hey right now I am battling some extremely stressful emotions, so please don't take anything personally that happens in the next ten minutes. 

I'm still learning, but I would definitely say this week helped me go a long way. I'm not perfect, but my I feel more purified. 

While I worked on fixing my weaknesses, my husband and I grew much closer together. I can't really pinpoint why or how, but I do know that the main reason why is because that will happen when we are both working on drawing closer to Christ. He and I have both been making great strides. As we have drawn closer to  Christ, we have moved even closer together too. We (I) have even been able to feel safer with intimacy. 

I'm still afraid for relapses. But, I'm trying not to worry about that until it happens. I have learned that I need to take things one day at a time and focus on things as they come at me. 

With that, I'm starting this week on a more hopeful note, and I hope that it won't be as stressful as it looks like it will be. But, I expect myself to keep turning my weaknesses and trials over to God, and I expect myself to continue being humble. 

Expectations and Humility

Expectations have been a hot topic. I really like and appreciate what both Jane and Harriet have said, even though their words are different from each other. They have given me a lot to think about.

I wasn't planning on writing an expectation post. This post just sort of happened due to what I studied this morning and the prompting I had to try to put to words all the thoughts and emotions swirling around in my head.

I don't know exactly what my definition of expectations is. I think I would go for a happy medium between both of what those marvelous women have said. At some point, I have expected and seen the bitter disappointment from my expectations falling short. I have expected my husband to conquer his addiction (back when I didn't really understand it) quickly out of his love for me. I have expected him to notice and say something (he always *winkwink* notices, just not always says it to me...) when I wear a new outfit, cut my hair, do the dishes without asking him for help, make the bed, etc, and been disappointed when he has fallen short. I have expected a lot from him, and sometimes it is really not healthy.

As I have experienced healing and recovery, my view of expectations has changed. I realized this while I was studying humility this morning in the study and understanding section of step 7. Now, to me, it is more of a hopeful optimism (as Harriet has said). I expect, in a hopefully optimistic kind of way, my husband to  keep his covenants. When he doesn't, because he does mess up, I expect him to repent, and I also expect myself to forgive him and still keep my covenants.

I don't force my husband to do anything. I have worked really hard on my codependent tendencies and obsessive desire to control what he does. I'm not like that anymore (most of the time). I just optimistically hope that when he messes up, he will have the confidence, courage, and humility to tell me. I expect that he will confess and forsake his sins, and that we will work on recovery together. I expect that he will work harder next time. And, I truthfully expect that we will have a celestial marriage. That is an optimistic hope. It can happen.

Humility is crucial in all this. Like I said, I had these realizations while studying humility today.

"When we put God first, all other things fall into their proper place or drop out of our lives. Our love of the Lord will govern the claims for our affection, the demands on our time, the interests we pursue, and the order of our priorities" (Ezra Taft Benson, see page 44 of the ARP guidebook).

Humility, step 7, is the greatest act of my love for God so far. Ultimately, through step 7, I am trying to become more like Christ. I am trying to take that change of heart I experienced in step 6 another step further. I am trying to become a new person by allowing God to remove (help remove) my character weaknesses. I am sincerely trying to give up my weaknesses, pride, and will because I love God, and He expects me to use my journey in life to become better. Out of my love for Him, I am trying to fulfill His expectation, which requires humility.

When I first started the 12 steps, my definitions of expectations would have been something extreme. It was more along the lines of forcefulness (it has to happen because I expect it). I went through the whole program, and my heart was considerably softened. Now, I am more than halfway done with my second time through the 12 steps, and my heart has been more than considerably softened. My first time through really helped with my codependency, and my second time through is really changing me. 

One of the character weaknesses I am working on changing right now is my inability to cope well with change. Along with my inability to cope well with change lies stress and anxiety. All of those things relate to how I view expectations. If I expect things forcefully, with an extreme desire for whatever I'm expecting to actually happen, I freak out when the expectations aren't met. My body balls up, my head clouds over, and my stomach ties in knots. That is something I am seriously working on. It's a huge character weakness for me. If I expect things with a hopeful optimism while drawing nearer to Christ and humbly praying for the help and strength I need to deal  with whatever disappointment comes my way when my expectation hasn't been met, then that is a huge step for me. And if I expect in a hopefully optimistic kind of way, then I can deal with the disappointment from unmet expectations in a more Christlike manner.

Everyone has different views of expectations. I'm in the process of figuring mine out with what is healthy and appropriate for me. What I am trying to overcome is the forceful type of expectation that I used to have.I want a more Christlike type of expectation. As I have delved deeper into step 7, I am seeing more and more how the power of the Atonement can change me and how much truly better off I am with Christ on my side.

Humility is a Choice

While I was driving on Sunday, I prayed for some revelation on step 7 for myself. How to overcome the fear of humbling myself? How to take the next step? My answer was to pray to overcome my weaknesses, individually and specifically.

As I thought about how to do this, I contemplated things like praying for everything to go wrong so my patience is tried or praying for things to happen that are out of my control to help me with dependence (or at least to help with my control freak-ness). Those ideas scared me, so I kind of pushed away those thoughts until I could take more time to ponder how to "humbly ask Heavenly Father to remove [my] shortcomings." 

Skip ahead to yesterday. Let's just say yesterday was less than perfect. It could have been worse, though. Some things happened at work that were very challenging, and I got pretty down on myself. As I was fighting that darkness and trying to figure out how to turn that over to The Lord, my husband told me that he had a small mishap (I'm so grateful for his honesty. Bad timing is better than not telling). Then, I got sucked into some fears and darkness regarding that. And then in the evening, things did not happen as I wanted. I went to bed way later than I planned, ate too many cookies (which always makes me feel worse), and I received a blessing for one of my physical trials and was told that my trials are specifically for me to have patience and trust in God, have faith in what is in my patriarchal blessing, and that I will be healed (someday...don't know when yet). I then started fighting darkness there because my first instinct was to be mad at God, which is never a helpful choice. I was mad because I finally asked for this blessing after not wanting to for a while because I knew I wouldn't be healed. I guess it's one of those things where having the faith to not be healed is harder. I knew He would say to have faith and trust and patience, but I wanted so badly to be healed, and I had the faith that I could be healed, but I was afraid that I wouldn't be healed. And I wasn't. I've been patient. I've had faith. I've trusted (or tried to trust) a lot. So, it was not comforting. At first.  Which is why I was getting mad.

I really had to fight for the anger and darkness to go away. Those are two companions I never want, but Satan is strong. If I am weak, he (they) can usually creep in pretty easily. I had to pray and read my scriptures and really try to get the anger to subside. I didn't want to be mad at God. As I wrote in my journal about my blessing, the anger went away, and I was filled with peace (for a time. I got angry again right before bedtime as everything hit me again. I was going to bed too late, and I knew I would have to get up early for work, and blah blah blah. Sometimes, I really irritate myself, and I wonder how my husband puts up with me).

On my drive to work this morning, I thought about yesterday. I felt a lot of peace with how hard I tried to fight off the anger and the steps I took (I didn't write about everything on here) to overcome my temptations to anger and anxiety. I reflected back to my revelation on Sunday during my drive. I thought about step 7, and my weaknesses, and what I need to do to overcome them. Everything that happened yesterday showed me all (or most) of my weaknesses and how dependent I am on God. My experiences yesterday showed me  that without the help of God, my weaknesses can overtake me because I can't do this alone. 

 This morning, when I got to work, I went into a secluded place and prayed. I prayed for help and guidance in overcoming my weaknesses. At the end of my prayer, I had a distinct thought. One word. Atonement. 

The Atonement is what will help me overcome my weaknesses.

There are two action steps listed in this section of the guidebook.

1. "Seek for the power of the Savior's Atonement to become effective in your personal life by meditating on the sacrament prayers."

Next time you hear the sacrament prayer, change the words to make it personal to you. Reflect on those words during the administration of the sacrament. How does it change your perspective of the covenants you make and your understanding of what Christ has done for you?

This is something I have done quite frequently since the first time I did this step. Replacing words to make the sacrament prayer more personal reminds me that the sacrament is for my soul, that I witness to God that I am willing to take upon me the name of Christ and that I will always remember Him and I will keep His commandments. In return, I will always have His Spirit with me.

Doing this makes the sacrament come alive and reminds me of the covenants I have made. It helps remind me more often during the week of my covenants to come closer to Christ and live as He would have me live.

2. "Pray humbly for God to do for you what you cannot do for yourself."

What do I need God to do for me?

I need Him to help me be more patient and trust in His timing.

I need Him to help me deal with stress better.

I need Him to help me handle change and let go of needing to be in control (I'm kind of a control freak. What can I say? Who doesn't like things to go their way?).

I need Him to help me accept responsibility for my actions and stop trying to blame others for my weaknesses.

I need Him to help me not freak out when I go to bed late. And I need Him to help me remember that when I sincerely pray to be well-rested and get up on time, He always blesses me with that.

I cannot overcome those weaknesses on my own. I can't. I tried. I am stubborn, and I like being independent (those are also weaknesses I need help overcoming), and I have tried to do this on my own. I just can't. I can't be the wife and lover I want to be when I have these things dragging me down. I can't become more like Christ and have Christlike love in my marriage when I won't turn my weaknesses over to God. There are lots of things I can't do unless I pray for God to help me. 

Humility is a choice. I am learning that everything is a choice, really. I choose to be angry. Sometimes it's hard to control, but when I am really angry, it's usually because I choose to give up fighting Satan. I choose to say negative, hurtful things. I choose to be too independent and not turn myself over to God. I choose when I am happy. I choose to be excited. I choose to be sad.

Now? I choose to be humble.

"Therefore, blessed are they who humble themselves without being compelled to be humble; or rather, in other words, blessed is he that believeth in the word of God... yea, without being brought to know the word, or even compelled to know, before they will believe" (Alma 32:16).

On a side note, Christ was humble. He did the Lord's will, even it caused Him to bleed from every pore and, eventually, die. He gave credit to God for the great things He did.

If I want to be like Christ, shouldn't I also choose to be humble? 

Humility, strength, and understanding

Last night at group, we studied step 7: humility. Perfect timing? 

Humility has been on my mind a lot this week. So have a lot of other things. 

Humility is something I always struggle with. I mean, I'm not an extremely prideful or boastful person. But I'm independent. I don't like relying on other people. So, that's where my pride lies. I have come a long way, and I really try to rely on The Lord. But, sometimes (usually  when things are pretty bad), I try to do it on my own. With the addiction stuff, I stubbornly want to heal on my own. I don't want help, and I don't like the fact that I need help.

I need God. Step 6 was crucial because I needed to really gain the desire to lean on God. And step 7 is critical to actually turning myself over to Him. Thankfully, I have gotten to the point where I do want that change of heart. I want my weaknesses removed. I want to sanctify myself and become more Christlike. To do that, I have to humbly ask God to remove my shortcomings. 

It is scary to think of my life without some of these weaknesses, which actually helps me better understand how hard it is for my husband to gain the desire to fully rid himself of his addiction. On my side, I sincerely do not love how I feel when I am really angry or when I close myself off to him emotionally (and all that other bad stuff that happens). Those are coping mechanisms for me, and it is scary to think of not having them to fall back on. They protect me. My husband's addiction is a coping mechanism for things going on in his life. And it is his "protection," in a sense, from  negative feelings or things he has experienced. So, thinking of how I feel about fully ridding myself of my weaknesses reminds me that he is human too, and he has an even stronger emotional attachment to the things he is trying to turn over to God.

I need to have the humility to admit that I can't rid myself of my weaknesses alone. I need to have the humility to ask a higher power for help. I need to have the humility and faith to lean on God's strength. I need humility to lean on the Savior's love.

Like I said, I have already come such a long way. But, there is always room for growth, and I am nowhere near perfect. I hope I can continue building my humility and faith so I can be a strength to my husband. We are a team. We can be a great team, and an even better team if we can get through this. 

I'm grateful to have the 12 steps to follow to help me grow closer to Christ. I am grateful for the understanding I have gained, along with the strength, patience, and faith I have developed. I truly am grateful for the growth I have experienced because of the trials I have gone through, and am currently going through. 

I am grateful for my sweet husband and I hope he knows how much I love him and that I am his biggest cheerleader! He is utterly fantastic, even when I act like I don't like him at the moment :) 

 

Step 7: Humility (Part 2)

These are the quotes I love from step 7 (all located on page 41). They are really powerful and teach different messages about humility. 

These quotes were kind of a pick-me-up for today.

I just love step 7 because it reminds me what I need to do to turn myself over to God. I don't really know what to write, other than just sharing these quotes. I hope, as you read them, your heart will be touched like mine was. I have tried to write my feelings and thoughts about what I read, but I just can't put it to words. So, I'll let the Spirit do the talking on this.

"Step 7 represented for each of us such total surrender to the Savior, that many of us could not help but cry out in our hearts, as Alma did, 'O Jesus, thou Son of God, have mercy on me.'"

"Holding nothing back, we pled with the Father that He, in His infinite mercy, would forgive us for all our pride, transgressions, and shortcomings. We asked that He would grant us grace, that through Him we might maintain this new way of life." I know. It's kind of weird to read this because you think, well, I'm not the one with the addiction. But, I do have my pride and shortcomings. I do need help overcoming them and becoming new. I want to want to not be mad at my husband all the time. I have done so good lately, but I have felt the darkness and anger creeping in. I want to rid myself of the desire to just be mad. To do that, I need God's grace.

". . . we are all beggars before God and have no hope of salvation by our own efforts but only through the mercy and grace of Jesus Christ."

"All mankind were lost; and behold, they would have been endlessly lost were it not that God redeemed His people from their lost and fallen state."

"We had to learn to accept life on God's terms and wait upon His purposes and His timing--even in the removal of our shortcomings." This statement always gets to me. I was thinking a lot about this on my way to work, actually. Obviously, my husband made a choice in his past that very much impacts our lives now. I think God could change my husband. Somehow. I really think God could change him. But, that would take away my husband's agency. It would take away his ability to learn and grow. I think at this point, there is still so much for both my husband and me to learn. God sees that. He will strengthen us and help us, but He won't remove my husband's addiction because he needs it to grow. And so do I.

"We learned to live with the same humility and patience that Alma and his brethren showed when their burdens were lightened but not removed."

". . . God desires us to conquer our weaknesses in this life by coming to Christ and being perfected in Him."

". . . salvation does not come by our own power, but by His."

". . . His suffering, not yours, ensures your redemption from sin. Your sacrifice is only a reminder of His 'great and last sacrifice' on your behalf." I love this. My suffering is only a small peek at what my Savior suffered for me. My small sufferings help me appreciate the Savior more and grow to love Him.

"I Seek Not Mine Own Will, but the Will of the Father"

Today, I was trying to decide what to study. I walked into my room to look at my options, and my eyes fell on the Lorenzo Snow book we are using this year in Relief Society. My heart leaped, and I knew God wanted me to find something in this book.

I scanned through the table of contents, and my heart settled on chapter 11: "I Seek Not Mine Own Will, but the Will of the Father."

The chapter starts out talking about Pres. Snow's 85th birthday, and the celebration he experienced at Brigham Young Academy. In response to the words of love and admiration that were shared about him, he stated, "I understand very distinctly that you are not paying this honor to me as Lorenzo Snow, but because of the cause I represent in connection with my brethren, my counselors and the members of the Quorum of the Twelve. . . I feel that whatever I have accomplished that it is not Lorenzo Snow, and the scenes that have brought me to this position as President of the Church--it is not Lorenzo Snow, but the Lord has done it."

Wow. I know the prophets are humble, but I am really struck with his complete humility in his saying that all the people were not celebrating his birthday because he is special, but because of what he has accomplished through Christ. I really needed to hear that because sometimes I get caught up in my pride and forget that every good thing I do is of God.

Pres. Snow also reminded me that even Christ, our God who created the earth, our Savior--whom without, I would be nothing--said, "I can of mine own self do nothing: as I hear, I judge: and my judgment is just; because I seek no mine own will, but the will of the Father which hath sent me" (John 5:30). It's amazing to think that Christ, who has such an important role in our salvation, even has the humility to admit that he, of himself, can do nothing. That was another good reminder of humility for me.

Pres. Snow also said, "When we seek God's will, we follow a course in which there will be no failure." How many times have I been afraid of failure? A lot. One of my deepest fears is that I will fall short of eternal salvation. Or that I will fall into Satan's temptations or his black hole. It's nice to hear the gentle reminder from a prophet that the way to avoid those failures I fear is by following God's will.

The last thing I found really helpful today in my study was D&C 88: 67-68, "If your eye be single to my glory, your whole bodies shall be filled with light, and there shall be no darkness in you, and that body which is filled with light comprehendeth all things. Therefore sanctify yourselves that your minds become single to God." For the past few days, I have fought the darkness a lot. The darkness is most definitely not a happy place to be. If my eye is single to God's glory, my whole body will be filled with light. If my eye is single to God's glory, there will be no darkness in me. So, I need to sanctify myself, so my mind becomes single to God's. I need to dedicate myself to Him. I need to allow my will to be His will. That is how I can defeat Satan and keep out of his dark snares.

I really loved what I read in this chapter today, and I wanted to share it. It perfectly ties into step 7 (humility). 

Step 7: Humility (Part 1)

I think step 7 is crucial to finding the peace and healing that the Atonement  can offer us. Specifically speaking, as a wife of an addict, I think humility is crucial to forgiveness and love.

Through the recovery process, I have fostered a lot of negative feelings towards my husband. It was especially bad in the beginning, but it has also cycled throughout my whole recovery. During the times when I have really been able to look at my weaknesses and see how they are holding me back from my full healing potential, that is when I have seen the most light and felt the most peace.

"Step 7 represented for each of us such total surrender to the Savior that many of us could not help but cry out in our hearts, as Alma did, 'O Jesus, thou Son of God, have mercy on me.'"

I need mercy. I need mercy extended to me in many ways to help me recover. I have needed help offering my will to Him. I have needed help overcoming my anger. I have needed help forgiving my husband and feeling peace. I have needed grace to help me live a new way of life: a life where I am not constantly trying to bring Husband down because of what is going on (yes, I'll admit I have purposely brought him down in revenge for him bringing me down... and then it always hurts me more to see what I have done when I have lashed out in anger). I have needed grace to help me live a life where I am focusing on Christ and trying to live as He would. When I have focused on Christ, I have felt much more peace.

I know that the Lord can't change me unless I let Him. I know He can't speak peace or healing to my heart unless I let Him in. I have to surrender my pride and once again admit that I can't do it on my own (and that when I have tried to, I have failed). Only He can bring me peace and healing, but He can't if I interfere and try to follow my will instead of His.

Reflections on the road to recovery

We are approaching Step 7: Humility

The key principle is, “Humbly ask Heavenly Father to remove your shortcomings.”

All of the steps require humility in some form, but in step 7, humility is the primary focus. I am so excited for this step!

First, I want to reflect on the journey. So far, we have admitted that we are powerless to heal on our own (or overcome our own forms of addiction—co-dependency, anger, anxiety, depression, etc). We have believed that the power of God can restore us to complete spiritual health. We have made the decision to turn our will and life over to Heavenly Father. We fearlessly made an inventory of ourselves. We have confessed our sins to a trusted person. And we experienced a change of heart and become ready to ask God to remove our weaknesses.

We have come a long way.

If this is your first time through the 12 steps, think of how you felt at the very beginning. If you were like me, your heart might have been completely filled with anger (with a little room to breathe?). You might have experienced so much rage that you forgot what it felt like to feel trust and peace. You might have been in so much pain that you contemplated leaving your loved one with the addiction, or you might have contemplated suicide. Do you still feel that now? I’m sure you do—but in phases. I do. It comes and goes as a cycle. And over time, and through healing, the cycle has had less negative and way more positive. Overall, I am happy. I feel peace. I feel joy. I feel love. Yes, this is my second time through the steps, but even during round one, by the time I had reached the halfway mark through the 12 steps, I was on a spiritual high (if you aren’t, don’t be afraid. Healing comes at different speeds and in different ways for everybody. Keep pushing forward with faith and trusting God. I promise, healing will come). I no longer blame my husband for everything bad that happens to me (I still do sometimes—but it’s a habit I am trying to break). I no longer break down or wallow in self-pity when my husband tells me he masturbated or viewed pornography. Rather, I feel pain for him. My primary concern is for my husband, not for myself. Whoa.

I have come a long way.

Two years ago, I was considering ending my marriage because I felt lied to and tricked. We even decided before we were married that divorce would never be an option, which made me feel worse for considering it. That also made the pain of feeling tricked worse because I felt like maybe he wanted us to make that arrangement because he knew I would have reason to want to leave him.

Now, I don’t consider ending my marriage. Even if it gets really bad again (which I hope it won’t, but really, who knows), I am dedicated to making it work. Even when I go to the temple alone. Even though I have to keep secrets from everyone I know and love. I love my husband more than the trials that come because of his addiction. Until he is ready for people to know this is one of our trials, I am okay keeping it to myself. I do hope that one day (soon? kind of?), he will feel comfortable enough to say, “Yeah, I struggle with this. But I am trying to heal.” He could be a great strength to people, I just know it.

At this point down our road to recovery, I would like to share with you a few of the big things I have learned. And, if anyone would like to add to this list, email me, and I will post it J

      1.  Addicts can change. So often, I hear really judgmental statements about addicts or former addicts. It breaks my heart when I hear such negative things. Yeah, some people don’t change. Some people may not be willing to change, but everyone can change. And we really don’t know what is in an addict’s heart. My husband is having a hard time letting completely go of his addiction, and he still messes up, but have I completely let go of my addictions? Have I completely let go of my anger? Am I perfect? No. So, I feel that my job is to be compassionate and loving. Supportive and encouraging. I don’t condone his behavior, but I also try not to judge him. I try to listen and love. Really, through my recovery process, I have found myself trying to be more like the Savior. “He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone” (John 8:7).

      2. My husband’s addiction is not a reflection of how poorly I fulfill him. I am not at fault for his actions regarding his sexual addiction. I think many people with a loved one who struggles with addiction blame themselves for whatever reason, but we are not to blame. It is something that the addict has struggled with for a long time, and it is way beyond us. So, if you are struggling with the self-blame game, turn it over to God. Let the Savior take that pain from you.

      3. The addict already has a Savior. I don’t need to try to be his savior. I do need to bear my testimony of the Savior and help my husband see the light when he is clouded in darkness. But, it’s not my responsibility to carry his pain. The Savior can help me with that.

      4. The Savior can change me. 

So, like I said, we are approaching step 7, which is humility. Are you ready? I am (next post).

Giving up my will

Recently, I was faced with a challenging experience that really forced me to put my trust in God.

I like to think I am all-faithful and trusting in God, but when it comes down to it, I still have my moments of weakness and doubt. I still have my fears of giving up my will to do the Lord's.

I am happy to say that in the past 24 hours, I have grown quite a bit in the trust category, and because of my experience, I think I am ready to start step 7 on my next post. My lovely husband reminded me of Elder Bednar's CES fireside a few months ago. Basically, he reminded me that I can have faith to get what I want, or I can have faith to let go. The faith to let go and let God work His will is usually harder.

I might lose my job. I might lose the job that I have put so much time and energy into for the past few months, a job that I love and give a lot of service through. It's a job I was led to by God, so I was struggling with the idea of losing it. But, in the past 24 hours, I have come to terms with the possibility of losing it, and if I do, I know that it's not because of anything I have done wrong or that I am not good enough. If I lose my job, it's because that is not where God wants me. If I lose my job, I will be dedicated to figuring out exactly what God does want me to do.

I honestly don't know if I will lose my job or not. I was hired temporarily, with the knowledge that it could become permanent if the person who went on leave chose not to come back. That person is not coming back, but the job is open to the public. So I have competition for this job. Very strong competition, I am told.

I know that I am great at my job, and I know I have given a lot of service and done a lot of good through my job, but maybe God needs me elsewhere. I have put tons of effort in so if the job opened up, they would want me. My direct manager likes me, but the ultimate decision is up to a bigger board.

It's kind of scary... being willing to completely give up my will to do God's. But I'm ready. As I prayed last night, I felt God tell me that He will put me where He wants me, and I have accepted that. 

It's a very special feeling to realize that I am ready to give up what I think is best for what God wants me to do for Him. 

Next post, step 7 :) 

Ps, I had my second interview for this job this morning, and I felt really good about life afterward. I rocked the interview, but we will see. I am excited to find out. Because no matter what I find out, I will be pointed to where God wants me.