I don't really know what I'm feeling.
Well, I feel a lot. Today, this week, this month--they have all seen and felt a lot. It's all caught up with me today. Maybe because I'm PMSing. Maybe just because. Maybe because of the fights I keep having with my sister and my mom. Maybe because I sometimes feel misunderstood, alone, and forgotten .
I'm grateful for so much. I'm grateful for my job. My husband. My family. My calling. My dog. My scriptures. The Holy Ghost. Ability to receive revelation. Flowers. Trees. Color. The wind. Storms. Sunlight. Books. Paint. My camera. Writing. Fabric. Food. [to name a few...]
I'm also grateful for trials. I'm grateful for pain and weakness.
I'm also tired of trials. I'm tired of pain. And weakness.
I've tried to be so strong lately. I've been on this high, trying to reach perfection. I guess one of my weaknesses is not accepting imperfection in myself.
I've tried so hard to overcome my weaknesses. I even prayed for practice overcoming my weaknesses. I prayed for experience. So, obviously, The Lord has heard and answered my prayers. Now, I need to turn to Him in these times where I feel so weak, small, misunderstood, alone, and forgotten. That's another weakness. I don't like to ask for help.
I have been asking for help, though. Maybe not enough? I don't know. I'm just writing this so I can figure out what's going on.
Over the past week or two, I have had so many experiences where I have remembered humility, and I have tried to turn myself over to God and receive strength. It's exhausting to see how often my weaknesses cause me to fall short. It's exhausting to be constantly apologizing or feeling the need to apologize because, once again, I have let someone down because of my weaknesses. I'm just exhausted.
I know I need to turn to The Lord, and I know I need to read my scriptures (I haven't yet today). I feel like I know what I need to do: I just don't want to. Because I'm tired.
I will, though. I'll do what's right. I'll pray and read my scriptures. Right now.