Humility has been on my mind a lot this week. So have a lot of other things.
Humility is something I always struggle with. I mean, I'm not an extremely prideful or boastful person. But I'm independent. I don't like relying on other people. So, that's where my pride lies. I have come a long way, and I really try to rely on The Lord. But, sometimes (usually when things are pretty bad), I try to do it on my own. With the addiction stuff, I stubbornly want to heal on my own. I don't want help, and I don't like the fact that I need help.
I need God. Step 6 was crucial because I needed to really gain the desire to lean on God. And step 7 is critical to actually turning myself over to Him. Thankfully, I have gotten to the point where I do want that change of heart. I want my weaknesses removed. I want to sanctify myself and become more Christlike. To do that, I have to humbly ask God to remove my shortcomings.
It is scary to think of my life without some of these weaknesses, which actually helps me better understand how hard it is for my husband to gain the desire to fully rid himself of his addiction. On my side, I sincerely do not love how I feel when I am really angry or when I close myself off to him emotionally (and all that other bad stuff that happens). Those are coping mechanisms for me, and it is scary to think of not having them to fall back on. They protect me. My husband's addiction is a coping mechanism for things going on in his life. And it is his "protection," in a sense, from negative feelings or things he has experienced. So, thinking of how I feel about fully ridding myself of my weaknesses reminds me that he is human too, and he has an even stronger emotional attachment to the things he is trying to turn over to God.
I need to have the humility to admit that I can't rid myself of my weaknesses alone. I need to have the humility to ask a higher power for help. I need to have the humility and faith to lean on God's strength. I need humility to lean on the Savior's love.
Like I said, I have already come such a long way. But, there is always room for growth, and I am nowhere near perfect. I hope I can continue building my humility and faith so I can be a strength to my husband. We are a team. We can be a great team, and an even better team if we can get through this.
I'm grateful to have the 12 steps to follow to help me grow closer to Christ. I am grateful for the understanding I have gained, along with the strength, patience, and faith I have developed. I truly am grateful for the growth I have experienced because of the trials I have gone through, and am currently going through.
I am grateful for my sweet husband and I hope he knows how much I love him and that I am his biggest cheerleader! He is utterly fantastic, even when I act like I don't like him at the moment :)