The "How's it Going" Question

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Today after church, I was stopped by a man in my ward who asked me how school is going. My response was hesitant at first. I didn't know what to say because I'm constantly fighting depression, and honestly, school is hard. And saying that is being relatively optimistic. When I answered him, I chose, "School is great. (smile and pause.) But it's also hard and stressful." I thought that was a good answer. It was the truth, and I was not dragging on about the hard and stressful part. Then he looked at me and said, "So it's great."

"Well yeah, it's great. But it's also hard." Not really sure why I couldn't just leave it just at great.

"It's great." Why can't he accept the hard part?

"Yes, But hard too." Still not sure why I had to keep saying it.

"Well you only needed to say its great. I don't need to know its stressful."

Pause.

Then he said, "It helps you be more positive if you focus on the great and not the hard." Good advice, I guess, but as I wrote in my last post, I've been in denial about things going on in my life. I don't think dishonesty with myself is the answer to being more happy. My final response to him was, "Well it really doesn't help me feel better about things if I have to lie to people about how I feel when they ask me how it's going." Then he laughed and said his job sucks, and that he keeps telling himself it's great in hopes that it will somehow change the situation, and he will convince himself it really is great. Hm... doesn't seem to me like lying to yourself is the answer to optimism. But we're all different, and maybe that works for him. I like the quote I found for my picture at the top of this post. "If you want to be happy, be." That's my philosophy. I can't force myself to be happy. I can only be and make the best of what is, and that is how I can become happier.

Okay, this conversation made me think about a lot of things that have actually been on my mind lately. Why do we have to be so closed?! Why is it not okay to say I'm stressed out? Why is there this societal phobia of saying anything negative in public? (Okay, maybe an exaggeration. But you have to admit, it is pretty bad. People don't want to hear negativity. Even if you aren't being negative, even if you are being realistic, people don't want to hear it.)

My issue isn't with this guy and the conversation I had with him.  My issue is with the fact that it's how society as a whole expects us to be. Closed. Tough. Perfect. No one should know about our inner struggles. We're supposed to pretend we don't have any.

I disagree. How much better would our lives be if we gave honest answers to the "Hi, how are you?" question? How much better would our lives (and others' lives) be if we actually cared to know people's honest answers?

In my ideal world, people would ask me those kinds of questions and actually care about the answer. I could say, "You know, things are kind of hard right now. But I'm holding on. I'm trying to make it work." Maybe I could even mention porn (gasp!). If they asked what they could do for me, they could accept a simple answer like "Please pray for me." They wouldn't need to solve all my problems--they would just let me cry, and they would cry with me. 

I think we could all be more compassionate and understanding. I think we should speak up. For heaven's sake, if someone asks you how you're doing, and you're not doing well at all, tell them. Okay, okay, you don't have to go into detail because that may be pushing it, but you could say something like, "I'm actually having a hard time right now, thanks for asking. It's nice to know someone cares about me. How are you?" And maybe, if they really do care, they will ask to know more about why you aren't doing well. And maybe you will feel safe enough to tell them. And maybe they would show some love and compassion towards you when they see that side of you. I think it's safe to say we would all be at least a little more compassionate if we knew what was really going on in people's lives. (And society could sure use a little more compassion.)

We all have stories. We are all living hard lives. Seriously, that is what life is. It's hard. We are here to experience pain and grow. We are here to live this life and become more like Christ through it so we can live with God again. It just makes it all the more hard when we have to put on that perfect persona and waltz through life like we are sitting on clouds and eating ice cream like it's a vegetable. No one is doing that. No one has that perfect life. 

People have mistaken me for having a perfect life. You know what I want to say to them? I want to word vomit all over them. I want to share with them every little detail about how hard things are and then say, now tell me how perfect you think my life is. But I don't. Because I am told that society doesn't want to hear my inner struggles. Those inner struggles are for me and those very intimately close to me. Like my husband, who is addicted to porn (not a jab, just an honest statement for effect). But as I've shared more with people, that has helped me develop more intimate relationships. 

Like I said, we all have stories. We have different abilities to carry trials and bear different burdens. Some people's trials may seem impossible. Our trials may seem impossible to others. Some trials may seem trivial, but to that person, it's HUGE. We all have stories, and I think there is power in coming together with our stories. I think there is power in letting people be open and share themselves. 

There is power in vulnerability. 

I wish society would let us be more vulnerable instead of saying, "I don't want to hear that. Just tell me how awesome and perfect your life is."

"If you want to be happy, be." Be you. Be brave. Be honest about your life. Let things be, and let them work themselves out how they need to.

Step 5: Confession (Part 1)

We are finally starting step 5. I hope those of you who beat me to it started already because, like it says in step 4, if you let the inventory sit with you without moving on to step 5, it's like acknowledging a wound without taking care of it. Hopefully the break I put between 4 and 5 allowed some of you to catch up a little more though. I definitely didn't intend for that to become acknowledging a wound and not giving it proper care.

I LOVE steps 4 and 5. They are so cleansing. I know it can seem weird to be going through this when you might be thinking, "Why me? So-and-so is the one who needs repentance and forgiveness. That person is the one who needs to confess and forsake." I know. I had those thoughts myself. But, like I mentioned at the end of my last post, this program is helping us turn to Christ. We, as those who have been hurt by our loved one's addiction(s), need Christ so much. We need to experience the power of the Atonement. Although we may think we need to experience the part of the Atonement that allows us to forgive, we need to experience the Atonement in its entirety. We need to turn to Christ. We need to become more Christlike ourselves (which will help us forgive and heal), and to do that, we need to confess and forsake our sins too--whatever they may be. I don't know if I can emphasize that enough.

As I have come closer to Christ, I have realized that I have a lot more perfecting to be done than I thought. I used to blame everything on my husband and hold his addiction against him. I rationalized things in my head because I thought I was better than him. I've learned that I'm not better than him. I'm just different from him. And we have been able to use our differences to strengthen each other.

As I have drawn closer to Christ, I have drawn closer to my husband. A reader of this blog told me that my husband and I seem to have a great relationship despite all the problems we have had (and still have). I take that as a beautiful compliment :) It hasn't always been that way. In fact, as you probably gathered from my beginning posts, there were many times when I wondered why I was stuck with him (sorry, sweetheart...he reads this blog. but he already knew that anyway. I just hate saying it again). I even tossed around the thought that we don't have kids yet, so really, we aren't quite that tied down. A divorce would be messy, but without kids, it would be less messy. . .

Of course, that isn't the answer--at least, not for me. I made covenants. And I felt the Spirit testify to me that he is the man for me to marry (and to stick with), and God knew what I was in for. God knew of his addictions, and He still wanted me to marry him. So, once I started remembering my covenants and my revelations, and when I started searching for the purpose and seeking to understand the Lord's plan for me, then I was able to choose to draw closer to Christ.

In drawing closer to Christ, and to achieve one's full healing potential, we need steps 4 and 5, and that is why I love them.

Step 5 is confession. The key principle for this step is, "Admit to yourself, to your Heavenly Father, in the name of Jesus Christ, to proper priesthood authority, and to another person the exact nature of your wrongs."

That really could mean a lot of things. I had a lot to confess. Of course, not all of it was really serious (like an addiction), but I have come to realize the true meaning of no unclean thing being able to dwell in God's presence. A sin is a sin. It doesn't matter if my sin isn't "as bad" as my husband's. What matters is my divine nature, my divine potential, and my sins. If I sin, I need to repent. Simple as that. Really, you can be as extreme about that as you think you should be. I didn't go to my bishop confessing all the times I have been mad or said something rude to someone. But, in our meetings (we used to meet with our bishop weekly. he is a fantastic man of God) I was able to discuss with him the things I was learning and expand my knowledge of gospel learning. I did confess to him my pride, and he helped me understand some things about pride and humility. I "confessed" a lot of things to my husband, but mostly, my confession was between the Lord and myself. After I was finished with step 5, I felt similar to the way I would imagine feeling if I was baptized again. I felt like I had a clean slate and was ready to move on with my life. I felt ready to become a new and better person (which ties perfectly into step 6, which is change of heart. Don't you just love the way the steps work?).

I guess you have to ask yourself what you really want. If you really want healing, if you really want to turn to Christ, if you really want to be on the path to turning your will over to God and living as He would have you do, then you need to take the necessary steps to get there. No matter how intimidating they may seem. If you are scared to move onto this confession step, I'd encourage you to pray to God for strength. Pray to know of His love. Pray to know if this step is one that He wants you to take. And if it is, pray to have the courage to follow through with this.

Turning your life and will over to the care of your Father and Jesus Christ is wonderful. This weekend I have done a lot of soul searching, and I have come to find that they are truly there. I mean, I have known that: I have received many witnesses of that during my life. But, like I talked about in my recent posts, I have been going through a hard time. During this time, I have really turned to the Lord more, and I have found Him right there. Sometimes, Satan tries to block Him from us. But He is always there with arms outstretched, waiting for us to see Him. I am doing some things that are really hard, and I am facing challenging trials, but I know that Heavenly Father wants this for me. And, like I said in my last post, I know that I am on the right path, and my trials don't mean God loves me any less. In fact, my trials show me that He loves me all the more. I truly believe that the harder my trials, the more God trusts me (well, trials of the sort that I am facing right now. There are trials that come simply because of poor choices on my part, but right now, my trials are being given to me by God for the most part). God trusts me to make the most of my trials, and He trusts me to become the person He knows I can become through these trials. I am learning how to truly turn to Him for everything in my life and live according to His will. And I am excited for my journey with you through the rest of the steps :)

More on step 5 in the next post!