The Presence of Angels

I've had a hard time being motivated by anything lately. Last week, I allowed the whole bishop thing to push me into a trauma-depression--well, that along with some things regarding Ben and our relationship. I fought for a couple of days to not go into depression, but then I gave up. I think I needed to just wallow in some pain and allow myself to do NOTHING with my life for a few days. Nothing, except survive. And I did.

Sunday, I fasted for me, Ben, and some of my Warrior Sisters who have also been having a hard time. My fast (or possibly my change of heart about some things) helped me rise above the depression. I was literally carried by Christ. I know it.

When I went to group Sunday night, I wasn't sure what to share. It was the first time I ever considered just not sharing. But, I decided to share a little about my week. As I rambled about the bishop thing and my depression, I realized the point I needed to share: God never lets us alone.

Sometimes I feel alone. I definitely did while I was in that dark, lonely place called depression. It wasn't until I started having really ugly thoughts that I reached out to make sure I was not spending my days alone and possibly become a danger to myself.

But I wasn't alone. I was sent angels in the way of friends to lift me up. People to make me laugh. People to call me and make sure I was okay. People to invite me to come over (and play with their kids). A husband to help me with dinner. Scriptures that fell open to the exact verses I needed.

I was given angels to give me strength to go on. Especially Sunday. I thought Friday was bad--that is until I got to Saturday. Then I thought Saturday was bad. Until I got to Sunday. Sunday was BAD (in the morning). It took every ounce of energy to go to church. To stay at church. To fulfill my calling (nursery). To attend our weekly meeting with bishop... But I did it. I did all those things, and with each thing I did, I felt more brave and more strong, and after church, I felt so much peace. (By the way, our meeting with bishop did not go super well...I didn't address the issues I already had. I just couldn't. It was too raw. I just tried to speak as little as possible. Long story. But anyway, the visit validated my dislike for him. Which I hate saying. But I'm glad I went because I feel validated, and I wouldn't have felt that had I chickened out and not gone in to the meeting.)

I was given strength to make it through Monday. And Tuesday.

I can feel the depression and despair lurking under the surface. I'm allowing myself to acknowledge that they are there (because if I don't acknowledge them, they will fight their way to the top and make sure they are acknowledged--in a very bad way), but I am not allowing them to rule me. I feel fear and anxiety threatening, but I'm not allowing them to dictate me either. I made a list of things that need to get done this week, and I'm slowly working my way down the list. If I need chill time, I have books to read while I curl up and chill. But other than that, I'm hitting my to-do list like a fat kid hits a buffet.

I know God hasn't left me. I've left Him hanging a bit, out of anger and not really knowing what else to do, but I know He hasn't left me. I know He is heartbroken over the situation I'm in. I know He wishes He could change it, but if He did, that would require Him to take away some people's agency, including mine. He is letting me work through this mess and heal, and He is giving me things that will help without taking away anyone's agency.

I know God has given me angels. And strength.

I know there is a purpose to all of this trauma and depression. I'm discovering it little by little.

I know I'm not alone. I'm never alone.

Sometimes it's hard to hold on to those truths. There are definitely things I'm questioning that I thought I would never question. But, the important thing for me is to hold on to what I know. If I can hold on to what I know, no one (ahem...Satan) will wreck me, and I will be okay.

Lots of my fellow warrior sisters had a hard week last week. And are still having a hard week. I'm praying for you multiple times a day. Just so you know.

This song came on my recovery playlist the other day while I was feeling depressed. I felt like it was dedicated to me from God. Now, here's to you:

We are Soldiers

"Waving the white flag is not an option." -Alicia

We're trudging through the heat of the battle--trudging onward till we drop. There is no looking back. There is no going home. We are in this for the long-haul.

We will fight until the war is won. We know there will be casualties along the way. We've seen some already, and they have broken our hearts. We only pray that we, and our families, will not be one of the casualties.

What are we fighting against? 

Satan.

What will we win if (when) victory is ours?

Peace. Salvation. A better existence.The opportunity to live with God again. 

Satan is the master of cunning and evil. He is doing everything he can to rule and reign over us--to all the ends of the earth. He doesn't want us to follow God. He doesn't want us to be happy. He doesn't want us to experience true joy. He doesn't want us to feel peace. He leads us astray. He makes promises he won't keep. He will fool and trick us until we have nothing left but despair and emptiness. He will help us lose everything, and then he will leave us to fend for ourselves.

He targets our weaknesses. He uses trickery to create weaknesses so he can target us even more. He also leads us to target each other. How does he do all this? Through media. Socialization of sex. Our children. Our fears. He creates uneasiness. He creates doubt. He creates fear. He is the author of chaos and confusion.

He has no mercy. 

And he is relentless. 

My life has become a series of battles. As I have grown and gained experience, and especially as I have gained stronger faith in God, Satan has worked tirelessly. Sometimes, he has given me breaks of peace and composure (so he could sneak-attack), and I've let my guard down. It is then that he comes back working double time. As a result, I have lost some battles. But I have won more. And I have resolve. I am not losing this war. I will fight for the rest of my life. I will stand strong like Moroni and defend "in memory of [my] God, [my] religion, and freedom, and [my] peace, [my family]" (Alma 46:12).

This morning I studied my patriarchal blessing. As I studied, I was struck with how prepared I am to fight this fight. God has given me everything I need. It's amazing. As long as I use my agency the correct way, I will win. That's not to say it won't be hard. It will be hard. It will be exhausting. I've seen it firsthand. There have been many days when I didn't want to and didn't think I even could go on. But I can. As long as I have perception, perspective, hope, and faith, I can go on. I can do anything with God by my side, lifting me up, and giving me angels to strengthen me. 

I was instructed in my patriarchal blessing to find joy and happiness in this life, and that my attitude and understanding are the foundation of living a happy and healthy life. As I pondered that, I realized that true joy is a state of mind. Life could be awful all around me, but I can still find joy. I can hold on to that joy and make life amazing. It's the little things that count. 

Sometimes I struggle with my relationship with Ben. Even when he is being wonderful, I'm still recovering from trauma. And I honestly don't know when/if the full onslaught of the trauma will come back. I don't know what he will use his agency for. I don't know if he will start lying again. I don't know if he will keep secrets and live a life of adultery behind my back. I just don't know. That scares me. I have a lot to work through. Everything I just mentioned is only a small part. 

Despite how hard things can be, I can still find joy. I can live a full life, and I can grow to become a great woman who is worthy and ready to live with God again. I'm on the right track. I'm practicing the courage and strength it takes to choose joy in the midst of chaos. Life is journey to find joy and let it exist in you. 

The journey is hard. All along the way, Satan has been and will be fighting me. He doesn't want me to be happy, and he certainly doesn't want me to gain eternal salvation. But I'm not surrendering to him. I won't even let it be an option. 

For a while, I thought I was fighting this alone. I'm not. All along my path, I've found my fellow-soldiers who were lost as well. They went down other beaten paths, feeling alone or maybe lost or forgotten. Together, we're forming an army. We're fighting Satan. We're becoming more vocal in society. 

We are going to win.

*********************************************************

We're trudging through the heat of the battle--trudging onward till we drop. There is no looking back. There is no going home. We are in this for the long-haul.

We will fight until the war is won. We know there will be casualties along the way. We've seen some already, and they have broken our hearts. But we will fight long and hard, and we will neither let ourselves nor our families become casualties.

"Oh you wounded fallen ones 

Close your eyes 

Hear the battle drum 

The cadence calling us 

March on 

March on 

Oh you wounded broken ones 

Still glinting in the sun 

Live trying `til we’ve won 

March on 

March on"

Hell-Week's Disguised Blessings

Yesterday (well, this whole week) was impossibly long and hard. Thursday night/yesterday were my time to crash and burn. I almost cried at school. Luckily, it was during my favorite class (my catering class-nine students), and they are so amazing in there. I mean, it was a very awkward moment, but I just told them it wasn't them, it was me, and I was simply having a rough day. They love me, and they held me up. Then the rest of the day (I have one of those students three class periods in a row, and four others of those students two class periods in a row), they let everyone who was even remotely rude to me know that I was having a bad day and to knock it off. The rest of the day, all of my students were very protective of my emotional state. They fed me with compliments--telling me that I'm a great teacher, they love me, and that I'm beautiful. It was so amazing to feel that power and love around me. As a high school teacher.

I'm supposed to be in Branson this weekend. My friends are having a girls' weekend without me. That's a story in itself, and all I'll say is I had too much work to do, so I chose not to go as an act of self-care. Going was supposed to be self-care, but with progress reports going out Monday (and how backed up I am in grading and other things with school), the idea of going became pure stress. I decided to stay home so I could get as much as I can done because next week might be hell-week at school. I have so much to do. Plus I woke up feeling sick yesterday and worse today, so I'm glad I can just lay in bed doing my school-work and not be walking around outlet malls in the cold.

Last night I was at school until seven. SEVEN! On a Friday. Did I mention I got to school around 7:10 am? Right when I was feeling sorry for myself (around 5:15) two of my favorite students came in to say hi. They were setting up for the cheer competition today, and decided to take a break and see if I was still there...What kinds of students would expect a teacher to still be at school on Friday at 5:15? Inspired ones. Actually, they wanted some cookies that they were supposed to come get after school but forgot about. Nevertheless, I felt very blessed that they came to visit me and chat for a bit, and I do think it was inspired. About an hour later, a couple more students came to borrow my vacuum to vacuum turf off of something as they were setting up for the competition. These are my two funniest students (and I can never get enough laughs in, especially when I'm depressed that it's 6:15 on a Friday night, and I'm still at school), and it was another little blessing that I knew was from God.

I have stress hives. Not to mention the pain in my back, neck, and feet, which are constant. I wanted to do some form of exercise today, but I'm sick. So, I'll just lay here and do school stuff while I'm wrapped in blankets trying to keep warm. Things could look really down, but I know I'm so blessed. Throughout this entire week, which has had incredible highs and lows (Seriously. Insane amounts of tears, but insane amounts of joy too), I have been blessed. I'm sure later today I will get depressed again, but I'm just grateful for the moments of clarity I have when I know I'm extremely blessed.

Last night, we had pizza for dinner, made a fort with my 13-year old sister, and watched a movie with her. Today I might paint (hopefully...it would be amazing if I could paint!), and I'll for sure do some ADDO and study my scriptures.

It's actually a tender mercy that I had so much to do that I couldn't go to Branson. I am getting some necessary time for myself. Everything I had to do was too much to do after coming home from Branson, but it's not so much that it's taking up my whole weekend. Well, actually, it was, but I crossed some stuff off my list. I'm simplifying for myself. Kind of like how I chose not to grade some assignments because it was too overwhelming. Anyway, right now I'm supposed to be at a Stake Leadership Training for Young Women's, but I skipped it for self-care. And I think God understands that. When I prayed about what to cross off my weekend, I felt very strongly that I need to take care of myself this weekend. What a blessing.

God sees me. He knows me. He knows exactly what to do for me. And I have the Atonement to lean on.

Christ has felt pains, afflictions, and temptations of every kind (Alma 7:11). That means this kind. The kind I feel when I'm severely depressed. The kind I feel when I'm struggling with the responsibilities I have at school. The kind I feel when I'm stuck with the addiction in my life. The kind I feel because I'm not wearing my wedding ring, and the kind I feel when I put the ring back on.

He has taken all of our infirmities (physical and mental weaknesses) upon Himself (Alma 7:12). Because of that, He is filled with mercy, and He knows exactly what we need to be lifted up. He knows because He has felt it. He knows when I need merciful students to feed me with love and compliments. He knows when I need my husband to buy my favorite pizza and decide we're making a fort and watching a movie. He knows when I need my sweet sisters to make me laugh. He knows when I need my principal to email me telling me how great of a job I'm doing and that my work doesn't go unnoticed. He knows when I need my young women's president to ask me how my week is going and expect an honest answer (there is another person I opened up to about the addiction this week :) woot!). He knows when I need students to come talk to me about their own trials. It gives me perspective, and it also shows me that I am in the right place right now and am making a difference for them. I love my students. He knows when to prompt me to cut down and give me peace about cutting down on things in my life. He knows when to give me moments of peace and clarity. This list could go on.

He sees me. He knows me. He is always there for me. And, even though I know that, sometimes I still get a little mad and prideful because things are so hard.

But He is always there waiting for me with open arms. In the meantime, He sends angels to help lift me up.

And Thus is My Life

I hope you don't take this the wrong way. Because unless you keep reading all the way through my post, you might. Ready for it?

Lately, I've had a love-hate relationship with Christ. And God. And life. And the list goes on.

Phew. Said it. This is a no judgment zone, so if you're thinking something judgmental...[He can see you]

I feel really rotten saying stuff like that. It makes me feel bad. I don't really know why (okay, there are lots of reasons why), maybe because I just don't want Him to think I don't have faith. I do have faith. I think. Well, faith is tricky. Let's not go there. We'll just say I have faith. But, you know, things are just so HARD. And just when they start looking up...well...BAM! So long, sucker! At least, that's how I feel. Like right now.

I do know that Christ is there. Always. I think I just get mad sometimes and don't know where to direct my anger or frustration. And since I tend to get mad at innocent bystanders who love me, sometimes I choose Him (being mad at innocent bystanders is something I'm trying to overcome. I'm working on it). 

Sigh. Are you confused? Me too.

Let's try this again. So, lately, I've been struggling. It's been about five weeks since Ben's last relapse, and during these five weeks, things have not gone super smoothly. I've fought some serious depression. I've relived past experiences. I've visited crazy-town. I've prayed and felt like my prayers aren't being heard or answered. I've prayed and had beautiful experiences. I've felt lost, alone, and confused. I've felt God's hand in my life, and I've seen His works. I've seen light. I've felt darkness. I've felt Satan literally ripping me down. Annnnnd I've felt Christ literally carrying me. 

I don't really have a love-hate relationship with Christ. My life is just rough, and sometimes I don't know what to do. 

A recent comment on my blog talked about how in her Sunday School class, the teacher posed a question about how adversity makes you better. After all the typical answers in that discussion, someone stated that sometimes adversity feels like a big fight between better and bitter. That's how I feel, and that's the only way I can elaborate on how I feel like I have had a love-hate relationship with Christ recently. I trust that He understands. And I do try to show Him my love and recognize His hand in my life as much as possible. But I'm fighting the better vs. bitter fight, which isn't easy. 

About ten days ago, I made a choice. I chose to let adversity make me better, and I've been trying to stick to my dailies and self-care. Last week, I started working harder at studying my scriptures. I've had some beautiful experiences with that. 

Yesterday, while I studied my scriptures, I came across the sacrament verses. Christ said, "And if ye do always remember me ye shall have my spirit to be with you." That really made me think. As I've been struggling to see Christ and fight bitterness, I haven't really thought much about having the Spirit as my companion, just Christ. So I asked myself the question: why do I even want the Spirit as my companion?

This is why:

-Without the Spirit, my life would be empty. 

-The Holy Ghost is a cleansing agent to sanctify me from sin. It is through the Holy Ghost that I can be made pure and holy. The Holy Ghost helps me fight Satan.

-The Spirit knows all things. I can lean on the Holy Ghost for truth. I can receive revelation for myself and my family. I can take steps on the path that was meant for me. Without the Spirit, without the ability to receive revelation from God, I would be running around like a chicken with its head cut off. There would be no point, no purpose. There would be no direction. I would have nothing. [this is critically important for when I need some revelation in regards to the addiction, trust, honesty, and how to handle things]

-The Holy Ghost is the source of communication from God to my spirit. I can receive knowledge and direction from God.

-The Holy Ghost gives us gifts of the spirit. Gifts of the spirit are so important. They are my talents and spiritual abilities. Through these gifts, miracles can be worked in my life and the life of others. Through these gifts, I can see healing at heaven's fountain.

-He is the Comforter. 'Nuff said, honestly. I am almost always in need of comfort.

-He can fill me with hope and perfect love. And "perfect love casteth out all fear."

-He can teach me peace.

After making this list, I realized, man, I do want the companionship of the Holy Ghost. I can't live without the Spirit. The blessings of the Spirit's companionship are crucial to living a happy and healthy life. It won't make life easier, but it will make life more bearable. I need the Spirit with me at all times. I really do. So I made a little vow to work a little harder. Last night.

And then...

I was put to the test. Tonight. 

Today, I really tried to stay close to the Spirit and follow promptings. I acted on some promptings that prepared me and put me in the proper mindset for what awaited me at home.

Addiction pain.

It was a whirlwind of stuff that I'll probably write about later. I can't right now because I have two tests to write, tests to grade, and a lesson to plan. And I have to wake up in 9 hours... and counting down.

The main thing I want to talk about regarding the relapse is the love I felt for Ben when he told me. 

I felt pain, yes. I felt hurt and betrayed. I still feel pain and betrayal. BUT, I followed the Spirit. I was at least able to address Ben's depression (the trigger that led to the relapse) and express sympathy and compassion for that. I even expressed my hurt and said the words, "Turning to porn when you are depressed is not okay." I even accepted his apology. I really do know he is sorry. I did tell him, though, that while an apology is a great step, it does not make it right. I felt the Spirit tugging at me to direct him to Sidreis's blog, I told him to read a certain post of hers I read recently.  And then I cried. And then I got on my computer and watched Bible Videos, following my inspiration as to which ones to watch. And they made me cry again. I watched "I Am The Bread of Life," "Forgive 70 times 7," and "Jesus Declares the Parable of the Lost Sheep." During that hour of what could have been darkness and despair, I felt the guiding hand of Jesus Christ. I felt whole as I watched videos about His life. I felt light as I pondered my role in this life, and I felt light as I pondered His role in my life. I even felt strength of angels around me, which is what I fasted for this past Sunday.

I'm still kind of mad. And that's okay. But I'm also so, so incredibly grateful that I have been led to find things in the scriptures that have the perfect timing in my life. I'm grateful for all the tender mercies of the Lord. 

I love my Savior. That's the moral of my story tonight.

Catching Light

Today I am filled with light. It's a light that has been barely out of reach. I've been chasing it, not allowing myself to give up.

My life is kind of crazy right now. It's not crazy in a bad way, well except for the house-hunting part, which is a totally separate story. I will say this, though, I've felt anger and craziness from the house hunt that I've only felt from the addiction being a part of my life, and it is miserable. It's nowhere I want to be. So, along with that kind of crazy, there is school, my students, the Miamaid calling I just received, the school club I'm running, and a class I'm in charge of that requires a lot of work and outside of school time for both me and the students. And the living with my family thing... I just feel crazy.

I barely have time to read my scriptures. I'm trying to fit it in every day. I'm making sure I pray morning, night, and everywhere in between. I'm trying to be aware of my blessings and express thanks to God every chance I get. I'm seeking light. I'm seeing light, but I haven't been able to feel it envelope me in a few weeks.

Today I did. I caught it, I let the light swallow me up, and I'm trying to let that light wash all the hurt, pain, crazy, and stress away. Right now, I could be grading papers (some might say I should be grading, what with how far behind I am from being sick last week and having no energy after school). However, I felt the prompting to do some cleaning for my mom. I pushed it aside for a second, then remembered that I am really trying to act on promptings. So I did what I felt prompted to do. Then I felt prompted to read my scriptures right now, and that the grading and lesson-planning for next week would fall into place when I get to it today. So I prayed and asked for guidance on my scriptures, and I picked up to read. As I was reading, I felt like I should backtrack a little bit, so I did. Then these verses hit me (Helaman 12: 7-8):

"O how great is the nothingness of the children of men; yea, even they are less than the dust of the earth. For behold, the dust of the earth moveth hither and thither, to the dividing asunder, at the command of our great and everlasting God."

These verses (and the verses that follow that are so beautiful and poetic) hit me in a way that they never have before. I was reminded that everything I'm dealing with right now is nothing. All of this compared to God and what He can do is nothing. My trials? Nothing. My pain? Nothing. My stress? This house hunt? NOTHING! God can make up for all of it. He can command things to be moved. He can give me strength. He can lift me up. He can do everything I need Him to when I feel like nothing. He will do everything I need Him to. And He will guide me to do the things I can do to grow and become more like Him. 

As I pondered these verses and my nothingness, I was reminded of all that He has given me. Even though my life feels crazy and I have to fight for my peace, my life has been so amazing. I have been blessed with courage and strength. I have been blessed with the ability to face fears. I have been able to see myself touch lives. I have been given strength to use my talents and gifts I've been blessed with to reach out to others. I have seen myself blooming. I am finally pulling out of the self-hatred I've been fighting and seeing beauty in myself. I'm seeing the godliness, the queen that is within me. I'm seeing things in a better light, and that is a tender mercy.

My life has been hard. It's been bumpy, but I'm so glad God has been making me fight for it. I'm so glad He is not removing this all from me. He is giving me strength when I absolutely need it and giving me a guiding hand, but He is letting me work for myself. And the result is absolutely beautiful. I'm not even there yet, and I can feel it.

I recently discovered Katherine Nelson's latest album, Born Brave. The songs are fantastic. The message and the intent of the album is beautiful. Look it up.

I'm completely in love with a few of the songs on this album. I've listened to them over and over this week. They have given me strength and lifted me up. I want to share one with you. It's sad, but it's perfect for me. It puts a lot of things into perspective. 

The others I absolutely love are Soldier Girls, Born, Brave, and Good for Me. Just in case you were wondering :D 

A new day, a fresh start!

Credit

 
After I wrote my post a couple nights ago, I started crying. Uncontrollably. Mostly because of the itching. Well, it was more than just itching. My legs felt like they were on fire, and the rash seemed like acid burning into my skin. I couldn't handle it.

I asked Jack to give me a blessing. It was all I knew to do because my prayers didn't seem to be working. I don't even know what I expected because, in my eyes, it was obviously not part of The Plan for the nasty itching to go away. I got to the point where I just knew I needed to rely on some source of communication with God, so I asked for a blessing.

A few things stood out to me. First of all, I was not blessed to be healed (not a shock at all. I've never been blessed to be healed), but instead was blessed to have the strength I needed to bear it all night and the next day until I could seek medical attention. That was actually a huge relief because the night before I had barely gotten any sleep because of the rash. And I couldn't see a doctor until after my Professional Development session at school the next day. I was told to rely on Christ. I was also told that many of my physical trials are a result of my stress. And then I was told I have the power and capacity to do all that is necessary for school this coming school-year. If I get overwhelmed, I am to turn it over to Christ and keep pressing on.

I know priesthood blessings are supposed to be full of light, and in many ways this was, but afterwords, I felt overpowered with darkness. I saw the blessings, but I saw so much more negative. Which goes to show that I haven't been in the best frame of mind this week.

First, let me say that being blessed with strength is beautiful. What better way to grow than to be blessed with the strength to bear something. If the trial was removed instantly, there would be no growth. Now, that being said, I don't always have that clear of thinking in the moment of trial.

The main reasons I became depressed were because I read into it too much, and thus became way too hard on myself. I was told to turn to Christ, and I was told that my physical trials are a result of my stress. I've been working so hard to turn my life over to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I've been working just as hard to release and manage my stressors in positive and appropriate ways. I've been trying to turn them over to Christ. I've been trying to take one day at a time. I've been using positive self-talk. I've been taking the time to meditate. I've been trusting that I will be taken care of. Granted, this week has been tough, and I haven't done my absolute best. And that is why I took it so hard. I thought well, I've been working so hard but hit a slump this week. Obviously, God expects my best and is not okay with my slump. He is punishing me with this awful rash to show me that I'm not trusting Him enough or managing my stress as well as I thought. He isn't cutting me any slack. I can't go on. I just can't. I felt like all my efforts were in complete and utter vain.

I cried for a long while. Those thoughts, by themselves, are depressing enough. So, combined with my other depressing thoughts, I was out of control.

All I can say now is that I feel pretty good. I feel blessed. The itching didn't drive me crazy at PD yesterday. We even ended early, and I got time to work in my classroom a little bit. I went to the doctor yesterday afternoon. Between the prescribed steroid cortisone cream and the Benadryl, the itching is at a minimum, and I slept soooooo beautifully last night.

I'm still a little worried [stressed, ironically enough] about the fact that I'm not managing my stress well. I thought I was. And it stresses me out that I have to figure out something new. I'm trying not to be stressed. School starts in one week from Monday. All the sudden, I feel like I am totally not ready at all. But I'll be okay. I just have to turn to God, and I know He will help me.

The stupid thing is that I kind of don't want to. I'm falling back into my stubborn self where I don't want help. I want to do it on my own. I don't want to do it His way because then I get back injuries, foot problems, and rashes on my legs. Not to mention the addiction stuff.  I want Him to cut me some slack. I want things to just be really good for a season.

And then I feel ungrateful and selfish because I know I'm blessed. Things are really good overall. I'm so excited for school to start! The closer it gets, the more excited I feel. The addiction is going well, and Jack was even recently called to the Sunday School presidency, which is a sign to me that God trusts him, so I'm trying to trust him more too. The itching has significantly gone down, and I was recently "released" from my back issues: I still go in for maintenance check-ups, but I could run and jump and dance if I wanted too! [However, I don't because of my feet, and that's another story.]

I'm too stubborn to repent for the way I have been acting towards God. It's so dumb. I will, though. I'm praying for a softer heart and perspective.

Today is a new day. I'm not going to give up or stay depressed because of all this stuff I just wrote about. I'm going to pray for peace and light. I'm going to keep Satan and his demons away from me. And I'm going to figure out how to live the way God wants me too. I'll call on my angels to help me.

A new day is a fresh start. Every day.

I feel frozen

I feel frozen.
In blackness.
A lovely gift from Satan. Yes, I know the way he works on me and my body.

I started freezing yesterday.

By frozen, I mean, my body wants to shut down. I can barely communicate to different parts of my body to work. Like my fingers to type. Yesterday, it was my arms to stroke and my feet to kick while I swam. Then it was my legs to move when I walked. My mouth to work to explain to Jack what was going on. Tears barely even came out while we chatted last night. That is so not like me. I can usually at least cry.

All I can see about three feet in front of me is blackness.

I recently made the decision to tell a close friend about the addiction. I felt the prompting to tell her for a couple of weeks before I actually did. I was scared. I didn't want it to ruin our friendship. I didn't want her to freak out. And I wanted Jack to be okay with me telling her. That's what he fasted for on Fast Sunday, and then I waited to find a good time to talk to her about it. I'm so glad I told her because she just gets it. She may not completely understand everything about it, but she seems totally with it. And she is encouraging. I can't even describe it. But, in talking with her, she has said some things that I completely needed to hear.

We had a really good conversation yesterday. I felt light. I felt free. I felt loved and understood. I finally feel like I have a true friend in this place we are living.

We didn't just talk about the addiction yesterday. We talked about other things too. I could talk to her for hours. But eventually, I had to leave. As soon as I left, I started feeling weighed down. The feeling got worse and worse. By the time I arrived home, it took almost every ounce of energy I had to walk inside. To change my clothes to swim. To tell Jack about my day. To drive with him to the fitness center. We were going to swim for half an hour. I lasted 17 minutes then just couldn't do it anymore. It took all I had to shower. To stretch. To come home and make dinner. To watch the All-Star game (I slept through the All-Star game, actually).

My body was tensing up and shutting down.

I'm glad I'm at the point where I can really evaluate what is going on. I know that this horrible feeling is not me. It is not God telling me I'm doing something wrong. It is not because of the addiction. It's darkness surrounding me from Satan. I even know what triggered this, and I can see all the consequences of that one trigger.

It was triggered by a training I went to yesterday for school. The training all but completely overwhelmed me. Well, okay, it pretty much overwhelmed me. I have to go back to school in three weeks. For new teacher orientation. Then four days of learning about the new teacher evaluation system. Then four days of whatever else before school starts. Summer is almost gone. I don't feel ready. I'm finally getting over the stress and tension school caused in the spring. I'm not ready for that part of it to start over again.

Don't get me wrong: I absolutely love being a teacher. But the stress of 1) being a first year teacher, 2) having seven different preps, 3) trying to go paperless, 4) creating and implementing a new class 5) being in charge of a club--on top of financial burden, the addiction, back and feet issues, and some other things that I don't even want to get into is... um... HARD. Like really really hard. I have a thousand mixed emotions. I don't want to feel this way. I don't want to dread going back to school (the real me is so excited and can't wait to see her students again and do fun things with the club I'm in charge of and go to sporting events to support my beloved students). I don't want to be afraid of losing my few friends I do have here because of the fact that I won't be able to spend much time with them. I don't want to feel the guilt of not being able to be a good visiting teacher or not being able to give much service to my ward or not being a good member missionary. I have so many guilty feelings just beyond the darkness that I keep trying to push back. And then I'm afraid of not having enough time for anything. Time to study my scriptures and write in my journal. Time to process. Time to think. Time to meditate. Time to ponder. Time for Jack. Time to walk/play with my dog.

Sigh.

Anyway, the training triggered me yesterday. Just that simple overwhelmed feeling triggered all kinds of stuff (as you can tell from my last paragraph). I feel guilt. Darkness. Fear. And the list could go on.

Whenever I start doing really well, Satan attacks me. When I decided to marry Jack, things got really hard. There were times when I questioned it, even though I knew it was 100% right and the decision to marry him was a decision I took very seriously and made with God. When I went home to visit my family, my old young women's advisers threw me a bridal shower. My ex-boyfriend's mom came and made a scene. He was just about to come home from his mission, and she said that this shower was supposed to be happening in her house, and I was supposed to be her daughter-in-law. Thus came the darkness. That's just one example. With every big decision I have made, or with every great thing happening in my life, Satan attacks me. He tries to make me shut down. He shoves depression down my throat.

I can see that happening now. I finally have someone who can offer me support and fantastic insight, and Satan is trying to take that away. He is trying to make me shut down and withdraw. He is making me afraid. Jack and I are finally at a really amazing point in our marriage, and Satan is trying to draw me away. He is trying to get me to withdraw. He wants me to be miserable.

The Love Dare has been amazing. My scripture study lately has been amazing. My testimony has grown so much. I've learned amazing things about myself, my husband, God, and life in general. I have so, so much to be grateful for. I have friends and family who love me. And I have students who love me awaiting my return (as their real teacher and not just a sub!) in a few weeks. Life really is good. I am truly blessed. I'm blessed to have the gospel. I'm blessed to understand what I do about the Atonement. I'm blessed to have faith in my Savior. I'm blessed in so many ways.

But Satan doesn't want me to see that.

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Jack and I recently read this article together for companionship study: "A Time for Faith, Not Fear." I loved this quote:

"I have found that usually when we face our most difficult tests, the Lord is there ahead of us to prepare the way through them.

"My wife and I were a bit anxious about going to Russia when called to serve there in 2006. We had never been to Russia and did not know a lot about it. The responsibilities of the call seemed challenging, to say the least. In a meeting in his office, President Packer gave us wonderful counsel: 'Remember, the Lord will have been there before you.' He then reminded us of the Lord’s promise, 'For I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up' (D&C 84:88)."


I am continually reminding myself that He has felt what I feel. He has felt more than I could even possibly imagine. He knows exactly what to do to succor me, and I will be okay through Him. If I rely on Him, everything will be okay. Everything will be okay.


And He sends me angels to lift me up.

Angels are on our side

My brother got married yesterday. My husband stayed clean enough to be at the temple with me (and hopefully will stay clean for a while)!!

While the sealer was talking, he said one thing in particular that stood out to me. As he talked about our ancestors and future posterity, he said "I believe they are all up there praying for you, praying for you to make right choices." 

Wow. When he said that, my husband squeezed my hand, and I almost started crying. Granted, that was perfect for my brother, and I hope it gave him strength. But it was also perfect for my husband and me to hear on a day that we could attend the temple together (tender mercy). 

I LOVE that we have the power of angels to strengthen us and pray for us. I love the thought of those who have gone before us, who know what heaven is like, cheering us on. And I love the thought of our future children hoping for their daddy to stay on the right path and their mommy to stay strong alongside him. 

I love that we are on this journey together, and I pray every day for us. 

I am also praying for all of you out there, especially those whose blogs I read and I can see your story unfold and feel your pain. Here is a shout out to all you beautiful women. Stay strong. Stay close to the Spirit. Let Him guide you. He loves you. And, you have angels cheering/praying for you too!