Tuesday, November 5, 2013

And Thus is My Life

I hope you don't take this the wrong way. Because unless you keep reading all the way through my post, you might. Ready for it?

Lately, I've had a love-hate relationship with Christ. And God. And life. And the list goes on.

Phew. Said it. This is a no judgment zone, so if you're thinking something judgmental...[He can see you]

I feel really rotten saying stuff like that. It makes me feel bad. I don't really know why (okay, there are lots of reasons why), maybe because I just don't want Him to think I don't have faith. I do have faith. I think. Well, faith is tricky. Let's not go there. We'll just say I have faith. But, you know, things are just so HARD. And just when they start looking up...well...BAM! So long, sucker! At least, that's how I feel. Like right now.

I do know that Christ is there. Always. I think I just get mad sometimes and don't know where to direct my anger or frustration. And since I tend to get mad at innocent bystanders who love me, sometimes I choose Him (being mad at innocent bystanders is something I'm trying to overcome. I'm working on it). 

Sigh. Are you confused? Me too.

Let's try this again. So, lately, I've been struggling. It's been about five weeks since Ben's last relapse, and during these five weeks, things have not gone super smoothly. I've fought some serious depression. I've relived past experiences. I've visited crazy-town. I've prayed and felt like my prayers aren't being heard or answered. I've prayed and had beautiful experiences. I've felt lost, alone, and confused. I've felt God's hand in my life, and I've seen His works. I've seen light. I've felt darkness. I've felt Satan literally ripping me down. Annnnnd I've felt Christ literally carrying me. 

I don't really have a love-hate relationship with Christ. My life is just rough, and sometimes I don't know what to do. 

A recent comment on my blog talked about how in her Sunday School class, the teacher posed a question about how adversity makes you better. After all the typical answers in that discussion, someone stated that sometimes adversity feels like a big fight between better and bitter. That's how I feel, and that's the only way I can elaborate on how I feel like I have had a love-hate relationship with Christ recently. I trust that He understands. And I do try to show Him my love and recognize His hand in my life as much as possible. But I'm fighting the better vs. bitter fight, which isn't easy. 

About ten days ago, I made a choice. I chose to let adversity make me better, and I've been trying to stick to my dailies and self-care. Last week, I started working harder at studying my scriptures. I've had some beautiful experiences with that. 

Yesterday, while I studied my scriptures, I came across the sacrament verses. Christ said, "And if ye do always remember me ye shall have my spirit to be with you." That really made me think. As I've been struggling to see Christ and fight bitterness, I haven't really thought much about having the Spirit as my companion, just Christ. So I asked myself the question: why do I even want the Spirit as my companion?

This is why:

-Without the Spirit, my life would be empty. 

-The Holy Ghost is a cleansing agent to sanctify me from sin. It is through the Holy Ghost that I can be made pure and holy. The Holy Ghost helps me fight Satan.

-The Spirit knows all things. I can lean on the Holy Ghost for truth. I can receive revelation for myself and my family. I can take steps on the path that was meant for me. Without the Spirit, without the ability to receive revelation from God, I would be running around like a chicken with its head cut off. There would be no point, no purpose. There would be no direction. I would have nothing. [this is critically important for when I need some revelation in regards to the addiction, trust, honesty, and how to handle things]

-The Holy Ghost is the source of communication from God to my spirit. I can receive knowledge and direction from God.

-The Holy Ghost gives us gifts of the spirit. Gifts of the spirit are so important. They are my talents and spiritual abilities. Through these gifts, miracles can be worked in my life and the life of others. Through these gifts, I can see healing at heaven's fountain.

-He is the Comforter. 'Nuff said, honestly. I am almost always in need of comfort.

-He can fill me with hope and perfect love. And "perfect love casteth out all fear."

-He can teach me peace.

After making this list, I realized, man, I do want the companionship of the Holy Ghost. I can't live without the Spirit. The blessings of the Spirit's companionship are crucial to living a happy and healthy life. It won't make life easier, but it will make life more bearable. I need the Spirit with me at all times. I really do. So I made a little vow to work a little harder. Last night.

And then...

I was put to the test. Tonight. 

Today, I really tried to stay close to the Spirit and follow promptings. I acted on some promptings that prepared me and put me in the proper mindset for what awaited me at home.

Addiction pain.

It was a whirlwind of stuff that I'll probably write about later. I can't right now because I have two tests to write, tests to grade, and a lesson to plan. And I have to wake up in 9 hours... and counting down.

The main thing I want to talk about regarding the relapse is the love I felt for Ben when he told me. 

I felt pain, yes. I felt hurt and betrayed. I still feel pain and betrayal. BUT, I followed the Spirit. I was at least able to address Ben's depression (the trigger that led to the relapse) and express sympathy and compassion for that. I even expressed my hurt and said the words, "Turning to porn when you are depressed is not okay." I even accepted his apology. I really do know he is sorry. I did tell him, though, that while an apology is a great step, it does not make it right. I felt the Spirit tugging at me to direct him to Sidreis's blog, I told him to read a certain post of hers I read recently.  And then I cried. And then I got on my computer and watched Bible Videos, following my inspiration as to which ones to watch. And they made me cry again. I watched "I Am The Bread of Life," "Forgive 70 times 7," and "Jesus Declares the Parable of the Lost Sheep." During that hour of what could have been darkness and despair, I felt the guiding hand of Jesus Christ. I felt whole as I watched videos about His life. I felt light as I pondered my role in this life, and I felt light as I pondered His role in my life. I even felt strength of angels around me, which is what I fasted for this past Sunday.

I'm still kind of mad. And that's okay. But I'm also so, so incredibly grateful that I have been led to find things in the scriptures that have the perfect timing in my life. I'm grateful for all the tender mercies of the Lord. 

I love my Savior. That's the moral of my story tonight.


  1. Oh, Kilee! There is so much in this post I don't even know quite how to respond. But you are so much. In all the best possible ways. I have faith in you because I see in this post your choice for better, not bitter. The fact that it's so hard just means that your choice is all the more meaningful (have you read "The God who weeps" by Terryl and Fiona Givens?). Wish I could give you a huge hug right now. And help with some of that grading!

    1. Thanks, V. I haven't read that. I'll have to look into it! I wish you could give me a big huge hug too... Or a trust fall ;)

  2. Wow! You have SO much going on. so so much. You are amazing though. I know you will be okay because you're choosing to be okay.

  3. So, I had all these thoughts reading the first half of your blog post, mostly because I feel like I can relate. Looks like the Lord is changing you from the inside-out, and it's hard!

    And then I got to the bottom half of your post, and then I felt sad and ashamed. Why? Because I can feel your writing...like I can sense how Ben's relapse did affect YOU. And sometimes I feel so disconnected from the truth that my actions, (that I often rationalize only affect me) actually can and do cause my husband pain. Actually, I tend to stay away from WOPA blogs because maybe I don't want to be presented with this truth. But, I like what I've read on your blog...so I come back.

    1. I'm glad you could relate to that first part. Sometimes, those feelings make me feel so insane.

      I'm also glad you could feel my writing. Not that I want to make you feel ashamed, but I'm just glad my writing gets the message across in general. If it's helpful to you, then I'm double-glad, though.

      I kind of tend to stay away from addict blogs for a similar reason. They are hard to read, but they provide understanding. And sometimes I don't want that understanding because I just want to be mad. Haha. I hope you keep coming back to mine. I like you. I read yours too.