Grace, Light, Love--Gifts from the Love Dare

Credit

It's been a while since I wrote a post just about the Love Dare. I've had a lot of things I want to share about the Love Dare forming in my mind, but I either haven't had time, or I've had other little things come up that I felt were more important on certain days. Today, I am writing about the Love Dare! I've done some reflection and introspection in my personal journals, but I'm excited to finally think and reflect in more depth, and I'm especially excited to share my learning and findings thus far with y'all!

I'm on day 32 of the Dare. If you look back at the date that I started, you will notice that it has been more than 40 days. The reason is because the Love Dare is hefty. I've had days where I physically could not do it. Some days were because of time issues--I didn't have time to study it out and make a real, dedicated effort to living the Dare. More than those types of days, however, were days that my wife-of-an-addict mind just couldn't muster up the love to attack the dare for the day. Some days, I felt like a failure because of that. I felt like a failure as a wife and as a lover because I couldn't gather enough love to do simple things like forgive, not be negative, fight fair, and the likes. Some days I felt like a failure because I forgot about the dare for the day, so I would have to re-do it the next day.  It's been a tough road to walk. But it's also been an amazingly beautiful road.

If you remember (or if you are new to this blog and haven't read my original Love Dare post), I started the Love Dare as what I feel was personal revelation, an answer to a prayer, about how to make "Restitution and Reconciliation" for the wrongs I have committed in our relationship. Even though I'm on step 9 and have made light-years of progress in my WoPA recovery, I still wrong him. That was evident as I went through my inventory, confession, humbling, and seeking forgiveness steps. I'm not perfect. I do things that bring us both down. Sometimes I'm really impatient, which is sometimes very damaging in our relationship. My worst attribute, though, is my selfishness. I've become very selfish as I've basically come to expect him to cater to my every need because of his selfishness. Over times, I've created expectations for him to make up for what he has done. I realized it's really not fair to him. Maybe if he had physically cheated on me rather than lustfully cheating on me, or maybe if he was not in working recovery, I would feel justified in my selfishness and make him my slave (does anyone else feel like doing that? maybe it's just me). However, he has done neither of those things. He is an addict in working recovery. He is my best friend. I chose him. It's been a rough road, but I chose to stay with him. And, through some soul-searching and recognizing those choices I've made and the choices I have in front of me, I realized that I really needed to step up my game.

Even though our move out of Utah has been really amazing for both of our recoveries and our relationship and healing as a couple, we still have trials and hard things that take a toll on our marriage relationship. We are living with my parents, which has an impact on our relationship. We are having problems getting pregnant, which is a huge trial that has an impact on our emotional and physical relationships. I have physical health issues, which is another big trial that carries emotional baggage. And then there is the addiction. Sometimes, I find myself closing off from everyone around me. I feel like alone will somehow make me safe (but, I have been clinging more to God and Christ through it all, so that's good). Despite our growth, I found myself withdrawing from everyone around me, while feeling depressed that I wasn't feeling any love from anyone. The worst part was when I thought to myself, "I don't know if I love Jack anymore."

When I got to step 9, the relationship I felt like needed the most healing was my relationship with Jack. I had been very selfish. I had done and said lots of things he didn't deserve. And I also knew that my loss-of-love feelings were more because of me than him. So, he became my target for restitution and reconciliation. I didn't know where to begin. The things I needed to work on were things I had already been working on as character weaknesses in the previous steps. I felt at such a loss as to where to turn for this.

The answer to my prayers was to do the Love Dare, and it was the perfect answer for me.

Hard days in the dare are to be expected when you are trying to increase the love for someone who has hurt you so badly. When I was faced with my first really hard day, I had to turn it over to God and ask for His strength to keep on going. He has given me that strength every time I've asked for it (or given me the feeling of peace that it's okay to just not do the dare for the day and try to do it tomorrow instead). At first, the whole thing was really exciting and I felt a dramatic increase of happiness in myself and my relationship with Jack. But then things started feeling old and tired because I felt like I was making all this effort and he wasn't, and it just wasn't fair. Those were kind of hard feelings to sort through, and it really helped when I got to the dare day about unconditional love.

One day that was really hard was asking him three things that make him irritated with me, without being defensive, and trying to work on making those things better. I didn't enjoy hearing that things irritate him about me (even though I knew there would be things, and the things were exactly what I predicted he would say)! I want to be the perfect spouse and let him be the irritating one! It helped me see that I do need to care about his feelings and do what I can to make things better for us.

The Dare has taught me a lot. I learned a lot about myself, such as why I get irritable. People usually get irritable for two reasons: stress and selfishness. When I thought about it, I realized that, yes, those are the main reasons I get irritable. I made a list of stressors, and that helped me recognize and get over the things that irritated me that day (the dare that day was to react to tough circumstances in loving ways rather than irritable ways).

I learned to cherish him and delight in our relationship more.

I learned that it's okay if he wins or I don't get my way all the time.

We set rules for "fighting fair." Sometimes we forget those rules, but they have been helpful.

I learned to honor him and treat our relationship as more holy.

I've learned to pray for him and us more.

I've learned to choose to love.

I've learned to be more forgiving and patient.

I've learned to live by encouragement, rather than expectations. And I've learned that where Jack doesn't meet my expectations, God can make up the difference.

I've learned to sacrifice more.

I've learned that my motivation to love comes from God and that I really can only love if I have His love in my heart.

I've learned to cleave to Jack more.

I've learned and understood the holiness of sexual needs and intimacy in marriage. I've learned to balance that aspect of our marriage better.

In reflecting back on the whole thing so far, I realized that the spiritual aspect is the part I actually have down pretty well. Of course, I'm learning new things and gaining new perspectives. But, what I struggled with most were the beginning steps: things like not being negative and going out of my way to be kind and do simple acts of kindness to show love and appreciation. Maybe the more recent dares have been easier because they are building off one another, but I do keep finding that it's those little simple things that I don't do very well and need to improve on. Those little things are what help soften both of our hearts.

One thing that has been amazing is the softening of both of our hearts. He has seen and recognized what I'm doing. It's making him more joyful, and over time, he has started acting and speaking with more love too. We have much better communication. We are both more humble and patient with one another. We both listen to each other better. And we both want to be around each other more. The Love Dare has done exactly what I needed: increased our love.

Another thing that has been amazing is how I have seen parallels between the Love Dare and what I've learned through the 12 steps and other things I have studied to increase my healing and relationship with Christ  The things I've strengthened are the character weaknesses I've been working on. It's just been a new perspective and fresh learning.

I know that this wouldn't work for everyone. I definitely couldn't have done this a year ago because of where I was in my recovery. It would have been way too hard. It was really good for me right now, though. The Lord knew it was what I needed. I'm grateful for my relationship with Him and the ability we have to receive revelation for ourselves.

A cause to fight for!

I'm getting into the war chapters in my personal study in Alma, and as I read, I find myself constantly relating that war to my war. I'm in a war against Satan. He is trying to destroy my land, my house, and my family. He is trying to destroy my rights and privileges, my liberty, and my agency (see Alma 43:9). He wants me to use my agency the wrong way. He wants me to be lost in darkness. He wants me to lose my rights and privileges as a daughter of God.

I don't want him to win.

This is a war I've been a part of since birth (before birth). The battles have gotten heavier in the past few years. Sometimes, I have days that I feel like Satan is beating me down. He will never win, though. Not if I fortify myself. My fortifications consist of prayer, scripture/gospel study, and meditation (along with spending time doing other things important to me and giving service).

Some days, he plants thoughts that make me question why I'm even doing the 12 steps. Or right now, why am I doing the Love Dare? He is the one who has done the serious wrongs. He is the one who needs the serious recovery. He should be love dare-ing me.

Lies. Lies lies lies! Satan wants me to think I'm not important. He wants me to think I have no role in this. He wants me to think that my healing doesn't matter, that I don't need healing because I haven't done anything wrong. We've gotten past the part where he wanted me to think this had everything to do with me: everything to do with my failures as a woman and as a wife. Now, he wants me to think this has nothing to do with. And nothing I can do will help. Nothing I can do will save our marriage. He wants me to think there is no hope. LIES! I'm important. My healing is important. And how I act has a huge impact on our marriage and the love and commitment level for us both. And there IS hope. With Christ, there is always hope.

The 12-step program is amazing. Without it guiding me to Christ, I would probably still not know how to manage my anger. I would probably still lash out irrationally. I wouldn't forgive. I would get sucked into the darkness and only see all the bad things going on in my life. Peace? It would be nonexistent.

The addiction causes trauma on the spouse. I've learned that anger is a masking emotion for that trauma. My anger happens because of all the emotions boiling up and not having an appropriate way to release them, or even a knowledge of what is happening. All the traumatic emotions have led to anger (they still lead to anger until I can evaluate and dig deep into the issue). When I've been angry, I haven't just been angry--I've been hostile, judgmental, and irrational. Underneath the anger is sadness, confusion, feelings of betrayal, and crazy (I just decided to make crazy an emotion).

There was a time when I did not know what to do. I studied my scriptures and prayed because I had the faith that I could be made whole. Other than that, I had no clue what to do. I was angry. I was inconsiderate. I was not understanding or compassionate towards Jack. Sometimes I was angry at God...

Eventually, Jack was okay with us going to the 12-step meetings, and through those meetings and my personal studies through the book, I've figured a lot of things out.

This is all in God's hands. Really. I'm drawing closer to Him and letting Him guide me. Right now, Jack and I are doing pretty awesome. That is because we have both used our agency to stay close to the Spirit and follow promptings. I know that if Jack chose to stop recovery and stop following the Spirit, things could go sour. I feel like there is always the potential of divorce in our future if there comes the time when he quits trying (if I felt like divorce was what was necessary and received that revelation, I would follow it). I also know that NO MATTER WHAT, I will be okay if I keep doing the right things: scriptures, prayer, following the Spirit. I have the capacity to receive promptings. Doing the Love Dare was a prompting, and following that prompting has really increased the love and intimacy in our marriage. There have been other promptings I have followed that have led to positive things in our marriage, and if I hadn't followed them, we would still be stuck in the same old rut.

I used to think this addiction was just his problem. And, in some ways, it totally is. But it's a part of our marriage, and I feel like I have the responsibility to do what I can to help him, to love and support him. I'm finding a balance between taking responsibility and not being unhealthily co-dependent.

Because of what I've learned through the 12 steps, I've found ways to make my weaknesses strong(er). Where I was impatient, I've discovered the ability and strength to be patient. When my anger caused me to do not-so-good things before thinking, I've been able to see clearly, think, say a silent prayer, and have the strength of the Lord to guide me to do something more healthy. Where I used to be so focused and wrapped up in myself and my pain, I've been able to look at the bigger picture and understand a little better what he is going through and his pain.

Because of these weaknesses being strengthened, I've learned how I can take responsibility. I've learned that I can't control him, but I most certainly can control me. I've learned that if I think his bad choices warrant bad choices on my part, things go very downhill. When I exercise patience, when I show him love, when I think before irrationally acting, it does us both good. It helps him feel more safe. It softens his heart, and he is better able to meet my needs too.

I don't take responsibility in the sense that I constantly spy on him and check up on him (believe me, it's always a temptation). I take responsibility in the sense that I try to nurture the good things. I hold him accountable to his responsibilities to me as his wife and as the patriarch of our family. I am responsible for myself--my actions, my thoughts, my intents.

I've taken responsibility of me. And because of that, I am healing.

Satan doesn't want me to heal. He doesn't want me to learn and grow. The closer I get to God, the more Satan pushes. Sometimes, he even lets off and then comes on really strong when I think I feel secure. He plants tiny seeds to cause doubt: doubt in myself, doubt in my God, doubt in my husband, doubt in the gospel. He tries to flip things around in my head and make me confused and give up.

I'm getting pretty good at deciphering Satan's attempts to destroy me. I'm learning to read him.

I will not let him win. I have a cause to fight for!

"In memory of our God, our religion, and freedom, and our peace, our [husbands], and our [future] children" (Alma 46:12).

This is my serious battle face

This is my crazed battle face :)

Image credits: 1, 2

Beautiful Heartbreak

I have so much hope and so much peace. I'm grateful for the strength that my Savior has given me this week especially, but throughout all my trials. Sometimes I can't even begin to think I'll make it to the next week, month, or even year. But I do. It's because I turn to Him and He lifts me up.

I want to share a song. It's one of my favorite recovery songs. I can't watch the video without crying (I'm emotionally high-strung these days), but that's okay. It's a peaceful, grateful cry. I hope you watch it because the video is powerful and amazing.

Beautiful Heartbreak--by Hilary Weeks

The first time I really listened to these lyrics, I was wowed. I already owned this song because I loved it when it first came out, and my dad got me the CD for Christmas. But, when I really listened, it put my whole life, all my trials in perspective for me.

When I got married, I had a plan. I had a map of my life, and I knew exactly where I wanted to go (I think we all got married with a life envisioned that was not quite God's plan). The plan was changed when I found a mountain (addiction, infertility, depression) in the middle of my road. I thought there was no way to get over it, so I tried to find a  way around it. Alas, I had to make the terrible climb. When I got to the top, my breath was taken away. The view was beautiful! Actually, I know I haven't made it to the top, but my pit-stops along the way are beautiful. I can't wait to get to the top where I will find that "every fear, every doubt, all the pain I went through was the price that I paid to see this view. And now that I'm here I would never trade the grace that I feel and the faith that I find through the bitter-sweet tears and the sleepless nights. I used to pray He'd take it all away, but instead it became a beautiful heartbreak."

That's how I feel today. I've experienced so much. We all have. Even with this same addiction, each of us has different experiences, and I imagine that I'm not the only one whose plan went a little crazy. I've made friends through this blog who experience similar emotions, but their trial is a little different. The one thing we all have in common is a Savior who loves us, and we are on a journey to find Him.

When I first learned about the addiction, my heart was torn in pieces. There went my plan! I didn't know what to do, and I certainly wasn't sure how I could forgive him for ruining my life. As I've drawn closer to the Savior, I've found forgiveness coming more naturally. Actually, last night was a perfect example.

Last night, we went out to dinner to celebrate Jack's birthday (he feels old, and he is a little stressed about the fact that he is a geezer and doesn't have kids yet. Really, though? He's only 27. It's going to be okay :D). This week has pretty much been all about me: my pain, my sadness, my lashing out at him because he is my punching bag sometimes (I know--not nice of me). I wanted to talk about him. I felt like I should ask him how the addiction stuff was this week while I was emotionally unstable. Annnnnd...there was a little slip-up one night. I could tell by the way he was cautiously telling me what happened that he was afraid of the anger that had the potential to come up and possibly be embarrassing at the restaurant. However, I was not angry. Not even a little bit. In fact, I was grateful that he didn't tell me on Tuesday when it happened because I probably could not have handled that along with my hormones this week (remember what my PMS stands for?). Lately, when he has told me about his slip-ups, I've felt almost immediate forgiveness. Granted, there are times when I hold a little grudge. That doesn't happen very often, though, and I know I need to forgive. I really try hard to be forgiving. After all, he is working so hard (I think). He is trying to rid himself of this addiction, and I know there will be mess-ups. My realistic expectations are that he tells me when he messes up, he tells me about his temptations, and that I can see growth (usually through remorse and dedication to Christ).

I've been very protected and strengthened by peace this week. Last night when he told me about his slip-up, I felt immediate forgiveness. I felt peace, and I felt free of the emotions that I would have experienced two years ago. I could tell Jack was remorseful. He also expressed his concern with not telling me right away and how he didn't know which would be worse: to tell me while I was struggling with the pregnancy thing or not to tell me until I was more in control. He made the right choice in this scenario.

I've been thinking a lot about forgiveness today because of what I read in the Love Dare: Love Forgives.
I'll admit, I was a little tempted to skip this one. The chapters lately have been things that either don't apply or I'm already doing. I'm already forgiving, so skip it, right? Not really. I learned a lot about forgiveness today. Really, I can see the progress I'm making, and it makes me so happy!

The author relates unforgiveness to a prison. When we don't forgive, we imprison and torture ourselves. My freedom--my emotional freedom and freedom from co-dependence--is dependent on my ability to forgive. That totally makes sense to me, and I hadn't really thought of it in quite that way before.

The other thing I learned about forgiveness is that ultimately, forgiveness clears us from worrying about how to punish the person who wronged us (and that is kind of a prison too). When we forgive, we aren't turning them loose, necessarily, we are just turning the situation over to God. Isn't that amazing? Forgiveness allows me to have peace and be free of the prison. It allows me to turn it over to God. And it takes away my responsibility to do anything other than love.

So many things are clicking for me right now. I'm still struggling with my trials, but I'm finding peace and strength, and it's balancing out the pain. I'm grateful I can look back over the mountain and see the glory and beauty of what I have traveled. I'm grateful for my Savior who stands by my side. I'm grateful for the ability I have to forgive and cope in healthy ways. I've come a really long way. I'm excited for what life will continue to bring me!

Love is honorable

Today I was reminded of honor and holiness.

1) We should treat our spouses with honor. After all, when we married our spouse, we thought he/she was special and of great worth to us.

2) The marriage relationship is holy. Our spouse is holy--set apart for a higher purpose. "A person who has become holy to you has a place no one can rival in your heart. He or she is sacred to you, a person to be honored, praised, and defended" (Love Dare p. 72).

Really, I just loved this quote and wanted to share it.

"But when your attempts at honor go unreciprocated, you are to give honor just the same. That's what love dares to do--to say, 'Of all the relationships I have, I will value ours the most. Of all the things I'm willing to sacrifice, I will sacrifice the most for you. With all your failures, sins, mistakes, and faults--past and present--I still choose to love and honor you.' That's how you create an atmosphere for love to be rekindled. That's how you lead your heart to truly love your mate again. And that's the beauty of honor" (p. 73).

The Whirlwind This Week

This week has been a whirlwind. I don't even know where to begin.

I've experienced extreme highs and extreme lows.

My chat with Bishop last Sunday gave me a whole new perspective on things. I'm glad I took a slight break from the Love Dare because resuming it with this fresh attitude has been amazing for me. I feel love on a whole new level. That love has helped carry me through the week, and it really has been pretty wonderful. I've enjoyed doing little things for Jack during the day, and I have a more joyful attitude about everything in general.

I've come to some conclusions about our relationship that I hadn't realized before. Day 10 of the Love Dare is "Love is unconditional." As I read the chapter, I realized that maybe when we got married, my love for Jack was based on more "qualifications" than unconditional love.

Here is why:
I loved that he had a strong testimony of the gospel. I loved that he treated me and my body with respect. I loved that he gave service to people quite frequently, and I loved that he is a very  genuine and caring person. I loved that he was adorable when playing with his nieces and nephews. I loved how he treated his mom and sisters. I love that he took his little sister on a date. I loved his passion for basketball and running. I loved his desire to be fit and healthy. I loved how much I was attracted to him. I loved him because he was my best friend. And all that good outweighed the little things that did bother me (like the fact that he is half an inch shorter than me). I loved him, but it was kind of a little on the side of does he meet my checklist? (not entirely that kind of love, but hopefully you will get the point I'm getting at.)

During this chapter (Love is unconditional), it asks the question, "Why do you love your spouse?" Most people would list qualities or characteristics of their spouse. Then it asks, "What if over the course of years, your spouse stopped being those things? Would you still love him/her?" Based on the reasons listed, the logical answer would be no. You wouldn't still love your spouse if he/she changed if your love was solely based on those certain qualities. And I realized that is part of why it's hard to see love in my marriage: because I've realized my husband isn't all that I thought he was. Is my love for him strong enough and dedicated enough to try to make this work? Yes. Because I have unconditional love. (**NOTE: due to the situation, though, there are some things that are conditional, and that is okay. Boundaries related to the addiction, if broken, could be cause for contemplation of and possible carry-through of divorce. I definitely do not judge anyone who has gone through or is going through a divorce, especially if you've given all you can, and double-especially if addiction and abuse have been involved.)

I'm working on building a stronger unconditional love. I'm also working on cherishing my husband more. I'm working on letting stubbornness and pride go. I'm working on being more considerate and loving. I'm learning to take delight in my relationship with Jack.

My love is growing deeper. It's more pure. I can feel it, and he can feel it. My heart is being softened, and so is his. I feel so much hope and joy!

But like I said, this week has been a whirlwind of emotional highs and lows. With the excitement of my love increasing, I had extreme high points [beautiful]. But Satan is also attacking me, and that's where the lows have come.

Both Thursday and Friday, I was just plain depressed. Then I had things that triggered me, and both nights I cried myself to sleep. Gut-wrenching sobs. Hyperventilating sobs. Like the time when we broke up before we got engaged,or when I discovered the addiction. Yesterday, I was just so sad. I just kept clinging to God and relying on Him to carry me through the day. He did, and today I feel much happier. But it's crazy how swamped in darkness I felt. Jack didn't even have relapses this week. It was just things that triggered me. I've also realized that just because he isn't relapsing doesn't mean I shouldn't be feeling pain or fear. I have a lot of wounds to be healed. Maybe they will open up and bleed sometimes, and that's okay. I just need to treat them.

I still feel that darkness creeping in. I feel it ready to break into my soul at the first moment it can. I'm trying not to let it. Because "the darkness inside...can make [me] feel so small."

The song "True Colors" has helped get me through this week. It's my current favorite song. There is so much depth and meaning, and it describes perfectly so many things in my life. And it has hope.

I love The Voice. Michelle's version of this song was simply beautiful and amazing. It's her version that I listen to on repeat. And yes, it makes me tear up every time.

You with the sad eyes
Don't be discouraged
Oh, I realize
It's hard to take courage

In a world full of people
You can lose sight of it all
And the darkness inside you
Can make you feel so small

But I see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you

So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors
Your true colors 
Are beautiful like a rainbow

Show me a smile then
Don't be unhappy
Can't remember when
I last saw you laughing

If this world makes you crazy
And you've taken all you can bear
You call me up
Because you know I'll be there

And I'll see your true colors
Shining through
See your true colors
And that's why I love you

So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors
Your true colors
Are beautiful like a rainbow

If this world makes you crazy
You've taken all you can bear
You call me up
Because you know I'll be there

And I'll see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you

So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors
True colors are shining through

I see your true colors
And that's why I love you

So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors
Are beautiful

Burning the Addiction

We burned the addiction today.

We burned the addiction on Independence Day! (Happy Independence Day, y'all!)

Credit

Yesterday, my dare was to get two pieces of paper. On one, I was to write all the positive things about Jack. On the other, I was to list all the negatives. Then, I was supposed to hide them in a safe place for later purposes in the Love Dare.

I didn't write the list of negatives. I didn't want to. I don't like dwelling on the negative, and I was afraid that making a real list of them would trigger me. Besides, I don't have many anyway. Other than the addiction, everything else is just human. They are small things that I know aren't important. Plus, I only dwell on the negative when I am depressed (and I don't really feel like being depressed). So I decided to skip that part and when it came back up in the Dare, I would see if I could somehow get around it.

The list of negatives came back up TODAY.

The chapter was about overcoming jealousy/envy and becoming my spouse's biggest fan. The dare: "To help you set your heart on your spouse and focus on their achievements, take yesterday's list of negative attributes and discreetly burn it."

I'll admit, I was tempted to dwell on the negative just so I could burn it. What fun that could be!

Then, a better idea hit. Why not just write something about the addiction on a piece of paper and burn the addiction together?

I was so happy about my idea that I felt like skipping. I rushed out to find Jack and said, "Let's burn the addiction!" I explained to him what was going on. He got matches while I wrote, "The addiction tears our marriage apart" on a sheet of paper.

We took it to our fire pit.

I wanted to be the one to burn it, so I struck the match, touched a corner of the paper, and put the match out. It burned for a second then quickly went out.

Jack said since it didn't work, it was his turn. So, I let him. After all, it's his addiction.

His match burned that paper to a crisp.

I pointed out the irony (only he can destroy the addiction, not me). Then we held each other tight and watched the smoke curl up into the sunlit sky. It was a perfect moment (that could only have been more perfect if we had done some kind of ceremonial dance around the fire. But, alas, I can only ask my husband to be so weird with me. There were people around.)

Happy Independence Day! Let freedom ring!

(someone sing a freedom-hallelujah-chorus!)

Learning from the Dare

There have been a few times that I've been tempted to quit the Love Dare. The main thing that keeps me going is the fact that I felt inspired to do this, and I know that God wants me to do it for a reason. 

The thing that makes it so hard is how selfless you are supposed to be. I've never thought of myself as that selfish of a person, but I have felt selfish as I've done this Dare (even though much of the selfless acts come naturally to me). I thought a lot about that yesterday, and I think I figured out my main issues with the Love Dare. Knowing these issues really helped me yesterday, and I think I can move forward more peacefully.

I am the wife of a sex-addict. I've experienced a lot of hurt. I've experienced my fair share of selflessness. The reasons I'm selfish are mainly for emotional protection. If I'm not selfish, if I give of myself too much, I risk being trampled on and hurt even more. I'm almost always on guard because of an inner self-protection. I've lived emotionally on guard for the past three and a half years (before we were married for different reasons that are a whole separate story). Things were only calm for three weeks between the wedding and my car accident. Then, the emotional trauma got worse from my brain injury and other results of the accident. Our relationship hit a bad spot with our lack of intimacy due to my  injuries and his turning to porn and masturbation during that time. When I first learned of his addiction, my self-protection kicked in even more, and I've been on an emotional roller coaster ever since.

I've been hurt badly. The reasons I'm selfish are for my sanity or because of a developed reaction to things. Looking at it all, it's no wonder that it's so hard to give up selfish and become selfless. It feels physically painful at times to make that change. I've had my days during the past week of the Love Dare where I have wondered if he even realizes how much I am giving of myself and if he will notice and follow my example and do something nice for me (selfish, but we all enjoy being served and feeling appreciated). When you are already hurting, it's incredibly hard to only think of the other's well-being and ignore your selfish wants or needs.

I decided that in this book, some things are a little extreme. Or maybe I'm just reading into it way too much. Either way, I've made some realizations and changes as I've gone through the Dare that help me do it better.

I'm not ignoring my wants or needs. I can't be so selfless that I forget to take care of myself. I don't think that's healthy. We all have needs. We all have wants that feel like needs. We all experience emotion. It's not healthy to push those off and ignore them. At least, it's not healthy for me. When I am pushing things away to just focus on Jack (or anyone else), I experience some major anxiety, stress, and overwhelmedness (I just made that word up). I physically can't just not let my needs be met. I can't. Or else I turn into Monsterwoman. I like to serve, and I like being selfless and turning to Christ's way, but I can't ignore what I feel. I have to be validated. I have to let myself feel. It's just a matter of what I do with those feelings--if I handle them appropriately or not.

Through all of these dares (love is patient, love is kind, love is not selfish, love is thoughtful, love is not rude, love is not irritable, love believes the best), I've been able to reflect a lot on things and learn about myself. The things I do that harm our relationship the most are 1) my tone of voice or how I talk to him when I am hurting, and 2) my actions when I am hurting.

Just because I'm hurting doesn't give me the right to lash out and do or say things to drag him down with me. Besides, he's already down. He's already wounded. He's already seeking healing and trying to overcome the devil, so why should I make it worse?

As I have sought to be less negative and angry, more patient and loving, more selfless and caring, and less rude and irritable, I've found more positive and constructive outlets for me and my relationship with him.

On the days I couldn't say anything negative, I had to leave the conversation for a time, pray, and really turn it over to God so I could come back. When I came back, I was able to address the problem in a more constructive and positive way--with communication that didn't just make him shut down.

On the day I focused on selflessness, I did something that really made him happy, and it made me happy.

Yesterday was "love is not irritable." This was the best self-reflective day for me. The chapter broke down reasons why people are irritable. As I pondered the chapter and Bible verses, I realized that the main reasons I do lash out or get irritable really easily (such as when the noises his throat makes when he eats really annoy me and other stupid stuff like that) are from STRESS.

About a year ago, I made a list of stressors because I realized that my stress was playing a huge role in our relationship and my ability to cope with things. I put that list on my nightstand and looked at it every day to remind myself that those things were stressing me out. It sounds weird, but it put things into perspective for me to see that those were my stressors and that most of the things that made me mad in our relationship were really because of a build-up of stress. I worked on balance and peace. Those were topics I studied a lot in my scripture study, and I was able to be okay.

Yesterday, I made a new list. My stress list is 15 ITEMS LONG. 15! Those aren't even little things. Those are HUGE things that really have an impact on my sanity and peace. No wonder I feel like I'm falling apart at the seams sometimes.

I was able to take that list and ponder the Atonement. I prayed and gained strength. I thought about where I can add margin and breathing space. I prioritized. Throughout the day, whenever I got irritated, I reminded myself that my stress level is causing negative reactions and that I'm working on balance and being positive.

At dinner, something happened between Jack and me that really made me mad. After just a few minutes of trying to deal with it there, I just got up, threw my dinner plate in the sink, and stormed off to our room. While I laid on the bed fuming, I thought. I thought about my stressors. I thought about the decision I had made that morning to turn everything over to God. I felt stubborn pride and unwillingness to turn the issue over. Eventually, I prayed. I cried and told God how silly I felt, and I told Him that I desperately needed His help so I could quickly forgive and our night wouldn't be ruined. I felt peace. I forgave. And then I came out, we talked calmly about what had just happened. I calmly and peaceably explained why it had hurt me. He sincerely apologized (which was nice. Also, he did all the dishes while I was mad, which was also nice), and then we ate cookies and ice cream, played games, and watched Sherlock on Netflix. By the end of the night, the love was back. And it was strong.

I am really glad I'm doing this Dare even though it's hard at times. It's teaching me a lot about love and a lot about myself. I'm learning how to allow myself to balance feeling emotion and acting positively and constructively. I'm learning how to strengthen some of my weaknesses. I'm learning to turn myself over to God more often. I'm learning better communication. I'm learning the ins and outs of myself, and I feel like I'm starting to become the me I want to be. And I have more hope.

Love-Hate Relationship

Credit

I'm experiencing a love-hate relationship with the Love Dare right now.

The love part? Well, it's making me better. It's addressing and helping me change and make better my character weaknesses. Sound familiar? It's helping me achieve steps 6, 7, 8, and 9. It's helping me change. It's been really good for my attempts to overcome my weaknesses, and it's been good for our relationship. It's helping me recognize what I can't do myself. It's helping me see where I can turn to God more. It's helping me reach out to God and invite Him into my life and into my heart more often. It really is helping me in so many ways.

The hate part? It's hard. Sometimes it's just so hard. I'm seeing my weaknesses directly in front of my eyes. I'm really having to work to make changes in myself. The tasks or challenges themselves aren't always that hard. The hard part is my attitude. I should have an attitude of selflessness, an attitude of giving and loving and asking for nothing in return. That is what is hard, especially for a girl who has been hurt because of selfishness. Sometimes I just feel so selfish. I don't like that feeling, especially when I am really trying to work hard to be selfless.

Sometimes I don't want to do the dare for the day because I'm tired of holding back my negativity. The silly thing? I know negative is not good. The sillier thing? I really don't have anything to be negative about. My husband is nine days sober. He is in the process of recovery. He is trying to repent. He really is trying. He hasn't done anything mean or said anything really rude. I'm just addicted to negativity and anger, and I don't know how to purge myself of it. I'm so used to being angry about something, even when I was trying not to be back in step 7. I don't know how to live without it. Well, I've done it for five days. Last night and this morning, I just feel it trying to push itself in with full force. Stupid Satan.

Sound like an addict? I think so. It's times like this when I feel like I do understand the addiction a little better. I know my husband knows it's wrong. He doesn't like it. He wants it gone. But, then, there is just this pull towards it and he can't seem to figure out how to live without it or even completely desire to live without it because it's [basically] always been a part of him.

It's different. Obviously, anger and negativity are different from sexual addiction. But still. I understand a little bit.

So, I guess that is another good thing that is coming from my Love Dare.


But, hey, honestly, encouraging comments would be wonderful because I'm kind of struggling with my negative mindset today. I've prayed a lot this morning, and, now at the end of this post, I feel like I need to reach out to all of you. Thanks, in advance!

Patience and Kindness (Love Dare Days 1&2)

The first couple days of the Love Dare have given me a lot to think about.

First, I'm definitely glad I chose this journey for my step 9. Over the past two days, I have learned a lot about myself and my capacity to love.

When I read the first chapter and challenge, I felt a little overwhelmed. The first chapter was about patience, and the dare to go with it was to say nothing negative to your spouse all day. I know I'm not a super mean person, but I definitely have my fair share of negative statements in our marriage. In fact, I have found over the past couple of weeks that our vicious cycles of negativity and hurt form when I say something stinging, negative, and/or hurtful to Jack, and then he retaliates. Thus, the cycle has started.

The vicious cycle looks like this: Jack says/does something that irritates or hurts me (keep in mind that when I am already hurting **ahem--the past two weeks**, I am way less patient and more easily irritated). I say something mean/sarcastic back. He gets offended and starts being rude back to me. Then, I'm mad that he is mad at me when it was obviously (sarcasm) his fault. So I get mean again. He's mean again. It keeps going like that until I cry, one of us apologizes and breaks the tension. Or both.  Then the cycle is broken. I know that it really would be best to just prevent the cycle, but that honestly always seems so. hard. I feel like I can't express my hurt or pain if I don't react in a way that really lets him know how I feel. And I know that is just so dumb. I always know I'm being dumb, but anger and negativity are addictive.

I know that if I can stop the first negative thing that comes out of my mouth as a reaction to the hurt or other emotions I am experiencing, the vicious cycle is prevented. That is something I have been working on as I have been trying to strengthen my weaknesses, but I just haven't quite found the best way to do it. But, this first dare helped open my eyes to what I need to do for that aspect of our relationship (thanks to God for showing me this was the way for me to go).

So, that's basically what my challenge was the first day. It actually wasn't as hard as I expected. I mean, going one day without being negative is really refreshing. It made me think about everything with open eyes and realize the little things that were irritating were not that big of a deal. Really. It was much easier than I anticipated to stop myself from saying something or reacting in a negative way.

All day long, I thought to myself how much easier it was than I expected. I also thought about how easy it would be to get back in the habit because one day isn't enough to break the bad habit of saying negative things.

The writers of the Love Dare knew that too. I was a little surprised (but I don't really know why) that the second challenge included the words, "along with saying nothing negative to your spouse..." The second day, it was a lot harder not to let the little things get to me. By eleven o'clock yesterday morning, something was really getting to me. I can't remember what it was. I just remember the feeling. I didn't know how to express myself because when I feel the way I felt yesterday, the way I express myself is through anger and negativity.  But the Dare told me not to be negative. So, my response to the situation was to abruptly excuse him from the room by saying, "Well, I'm going to read my scriptures now." I read. I wrote in my journal. By the time I was finished, I had gone through my method of processing emotions, and I felt fine. I was so glad I hadn't ruined the day by negatively reacting the way I normally do. The rest of the day was cake. I don't remember any other times where I felt overwhelmed with the desire to be negative.

The other part of the challenge yesterday was kindness. I was supposed to do an unexpected act of kindness. I had no idea what to do, so throughout the day, I was on watch--looking for opportunities to serve out of kindness. I offered to make Jack lunch, but he didn't want me to (well, he wanted us to make lunch together). I even offered to sacrifice the time I had set aside to work on lesson-planning to spend the whole day with him and do whatever he wanted (it took a long time for me to come to peace with that offer because I really needed to work on lesson planning). Luckily for me and my lesson planning, he wanted to work on planning for the business he is trying to start. The act of kindness I chose was to load the dishwasher. Usually, I try to get him to help me with housework stuff. This time, I just did it. And when he tried to help, I told him I was doing it and that there wasn't room for both of us (maybe a little mean, but holy cow he wouldn't let me do anything for him yesterday!). My other act of kindness was to play all the games he wanted to in the evening. AND, I didn't even get competitive and mad when he beat me. Now, that is quite the feat for me.

Focusing on patience and kindness have really been good for me. Choosing not to be negative has taught me a lot. I don't have to be negative to express myself (I actually already knew that, but I wasn't able to break the cycle in myself yet). I can work through my emotions, and if something needs to be addressed, the time to do that is after I have processed, not in the heat of the moment. Sometimes, it just seems easier to be negative and angry, though. That's what Satan wants us to think because that is the way he works. However, I know from experience that being negative and angry only makes everything harder and worse. So, I have to be brave enough to break that cycle.

Choosing not to be negative and angry allowed more peaceful and loving feelings to dwell in my heart. I wanted to be close to him (whereas last week, I did not want to be close to him, and when he would touch me too much, I would have to *gently* say sorry I'm hurting and I just really don't want you to touch me). I wanted to touch him. Throughout the day, I felt a stronger and stronger pull of love and attraction towards him. It was a feeling that has escaped me lately. I wanted to breathe him in. I wanted to be his. 

Choosing to be kind had the same effect.

I know I haven't done this on my own. From the moment I read the first chapter and felt the weight of how hard it would be (and it hasn't been easy), I had to turn back to step 1 and ask Heavenly Father for help. I knew I could not to it alone, and He would need to be there with me to help me increase in love.

When we were dating, I knew Jack wanted to marry me, and I wasn't sure about marriage. I had a someone coming home from his mission in a couple of months, someone who, for the past three years, I had planned on marrying. Then my friendship and eventual relationship with Jack put a twist on what I thought my future was. I felt bad because there were times when I knew I was leading Jack on. He liked (loved) me way more than I liked him. He was in the friend-zone, loving me, and I would have to shoot him down many times. We "broke up" from being friends quite a few times. I knew after all those times I needed him in my life. Eventually, we started dating seriously, and it got to the point where I knew we would either have to break up for good or get married, and I was so scared. For everything. I prayed so much for God to show me the way. I asked God to show me  if marriage was in our path, and if it was to help me truly love Jack. Marriage was in our path. When I started praying daily for God to help me love Jack more, He did. Our love grew, and I knew without a doubt that we were supposed to get married.

I haven't asked God to help me love Jack in our marriage the way I should. I've fallen into the trap of thinking that love is just a feeling that you can fall in and out of and that the feeling of love determines my actions. I've been hurt and thought Jack needed to serve me to prove his love, and during all that, I forgot that I also need to use action to show and increase my love too. I've prayed multiple times over the past few days for God to help me love Jack better. I have been reminded that while I have been using the power of the Atonement to strengthen me in other aspects of my life, love in my marriage is something He can/needs/wants to help me with too. Through my actions and the power of the Spirit, I've discovered what love can feel like. I've felt love blossoming in my heart, and I can feel the power of what it can grow into if I keep working at it. I know this is only a slight taste of what I have felt in the past, and what I can feel as our love deepens.

It does make it easier that Jack is in recovery and that our relationship doesn't feel completely one-sided. For that, I am eternally grateful.

Today, the dare still includes not being negative. I am so hopeful :)

Also, this is one of my favorite songs about love. Just for kicks.