The Whirlwind This Week

This week has been a whirlwind. I don't even know where to begin.

I've experienced extreme highs and extreme lows.

My chat with Bishop last Sunday gave me a whole new perspective on things. I'm glad I took a slight break from the Love Dare because resuming it with this fresh attitude has been amazing for me. I feel love on a whole new level. That love has helped carry me through the week, and it really has been pretty wonderful. I've enjoyed doing little things for Jack during the day, and I have a more joyful attitude about everything in general.

I've come to some conclusions about our relationship that I hadn't realized before. Day 10 of the Love Dare is "Love is unconditional." As I read the chapter, I realized that maybe when we got married, my love for Jack was based on more "qualifications" than unconditional love.

Here is why:
I loved that he had a strong testimony of the gospel. I loved that he treated me and my body with respect. I loved that he gave service to people quite frequently, and I loved that he is a very  genuine and caring person. I loved that he was adorable when playing with his nieces and nephews. I loved how he treated his mom and sisters. I love that he took his little sister on a date. I loved his passion for basketball and running. I loved his desire to be fit and healthy. I loved how much I was attracted to him. I loved him because he was my best friend. And all that good outweighed the little things that did bother me (like the fact that he is half an inch shorter than me). I loved him, but it was kind of a little on the side of does he meet my checklist? (not entirely that kind of love, but hopefully you will get the point I'm getting at.)

During this chapter (Love is unconditional), it asks the question, "Why do you love your spouse?" Most people would list qualities or characteristics of their spouse. Then it asks, "What if over the course of years, your spouse stopped being those things? Would you still love him/her?" Based on the reasons listed, the logical answer would be no. You wouldn't still love your spouse if he/she changed if your love was solely based on those certain qualities. And I realized that is part of why it's hard to see love in my marriage: because I've realized my husband isn't all that I thought he was. Is my love for him strong enough and dedicated enough to try to make this work? Yes. Because I have unconditional love. (**NOTE: due to the situation, though, there are some things that are conditional, and that is okay. Boundaries related to the addiction, if broken, could be cause for contemplation of and possible carry-through of divorce. I definitely do not judge anyone who has gone through or is going through a divorce, especially if you've given all you can, and double-especially if addiction and abuse have been involved.)

I'm working on building a stronger unconditional love. I'm also working on cherishing my husband more. I'm working on letting stubbornness and pride go. I'm working on being more considerate and loving. I'm learning to take delight in my relationship with Jack.

My love is growing deeper. It's more pure. I can feel it, and he can feel it. My heart is being softened, and so is his. I feel so much hope and joy!

But like I said, this week has been a whirlwind of emotional highs and lows. With the excitement of my love increasing, I had extreme high points [beautiful]. But Satan is also attacking me, and that's where the lows have come.

Both Thursday and Friday, I was just plain depressed. Then I had things that triggered me, and both nights I cried myself to sleep. Gut-wrenching sobs. Hyperventilating sobs. Like the time when we broke up before we got engaged,or when I discovered the addiction. Yesterday, I was just so sad. I just kept clinging to God and relying on Him to carry me through the day. He did, and today I feel much happier. But it's crazy how swamped in darkness I felt. Jack didn't even have relapses this week. It was just things that triggered me. I've also realized that just because he isn't relapsing doesn't mean I shouldn't be feeling pain or fear. I have a lot of wounds to be healed. Maybe they will open up and bleed sometimes, and that's okay. I just need to treat them.

I still feel that darkness creeping in. I feel it ready to break into my soul at the first moment it can. I'm trying not to let it. Because "the darkness inside...can make [me] feel so small."

The song "True Colors" has helped get me through this week. It's my current favorite song. There is so much depth and meaning, and it describes perfectly so many things in my life. And it has hope.

I love The Voice. Michelle's version of this song was simply beautiful and amazing. It's her version that I listen to on repeat. And yes, it makes me tear up every time.

You with the sad eyes
Don't be discouraged
Oh, I realize
It's hard to take courage

In a world full of people
You can lose sight of it all
And the darkness inside you
Can make you feel so small

But I see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you

So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors
Your true colors 
Are beautiful like a rainbow

Show me a smile then
Don't be unhappy
Can't remember when
I last saw you laughing

If this world makes you crazy
And you've taken all you can bear
You call me up
Because you know I'll be there

And I'll see your true colors
Shining through
See your true colors
And that's why I love you

So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors
Your true colors
Are beautiful like a rainbow

If this world makes you crazy
You've taken all you can bear
You call me up
Because you know I'll be there

And I'll see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you

So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors
True colors are shining through

I see your true colors
And that's why I love you

So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors
Are beautiful