Beauty and Light

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 Just a couple of hours after the post I wrote last night, the darkness started coming back. This time, I could not shake it. There was no choosing to be happy.

As I knelt down to pray, I had this simple prompting: ask Jack for a blessing. I said my prayer then asked for a blessing. By this time, I was crying. I felt physical pain and that freezing feeling. These bouts of darkness and pain have continued to get worse daily for the last few weeks. Sometimes I think something is wrong with me. Or that if I told people I think Satan is taking over my body, they wouldn't believe me. I can't really describe how it has felt. Just completely and utterly awful.

I've felt crazy. I have had moments where I feel happy. I feel light. I feel joy. Then I have had my moments where I instantly switch to darkness. Despair. Trapped. Frozen. It's day and night how opposite those feelings are. And it's insane how fast the switch between the two comes. I actually had this thought yesterday that maybe I am bipolar. Except for the fact that I have never felt this way before, at least not to this extremity.

Last night I asked Jack to give me a blessing. It was the most beautiful and powerful priesthood blessing I have had in a while. He even started with those words I'm always longing to hear, "You've requested a blessing for comfort, but this will also be a blessing of healing." I felt this powerful surge of faith--and I felt like He is recognizing my faith and blessing me for it. Oh man, it was just so awesome, and that's only the beginning. I just want to share a little part of this blessing. I was told that Satan has been trying to take over my body, and recently I have felt a small portion of the misery and darkness that Satan wants me to feel for eternity. Then, Satan was commanded, in the name of Jesus Christ, to leave me. With those words, I felt him leave. I felt a huge weight lifted, and I felt peace. Oh, blessed peace--a calming and refreshing peace like I have not felt in weeks. It was amazing. I feel amazing.

I was given instruction and warnings of him coming back. I was given a lot of specific instruction for many trials I am struggling with right now. It was so beautiful. The Spirit that was in the room was so powerful, so strong. It was a testament to me of God's love for me, along with the power of the priesthood.

I have so much to be grateful for. Despite the pain of the blackness I have felt recently, it's helped me draw closer to God. My patriarchal blessing warns me to be wary of the things of the world, so I always try to be. My patriarchal blessing also says something to the effect of as I increase my understanding of my relationship with God, I will be blessed with a happy and healthy life. While I have been being closed-in by blackness, I've seen that I always have a choice. I can choose to get angry and separate myself from God, or I can choose to remember my knowledge I have of the plan of salvation and my relationships with my Father and my Savior. I've been choosing the latter. And while the darkness has been scary and terrifying, I feel so much closer to Them--something I am beyond grateful for.

Something I have struggled with in the past that I've been working on is the idea of loving God. I know we are supposed to love Him. I know He is my Father. But I haven't felt like I have a relationship with Him where I can actually love Him. A couple days ago while I was praying, I realized that I really, truly, deeply love God. It was a beautiful feeling.

E., my friend to whom I recently disclosed the addiction trial, asked me if I'm grateful for it. I told her yes. I am. I am so, so grateful for this trial, along with others, because I'm learning things that I have no idea how I would learn otherwise.

I'm learning how to love.

I'm learning how to stay close to the Spirit.

I'm learning humility.

I'm learning trust.

I'm learning patience.

I'm learning to find beauty.

I'm gaining a stronger love for the scriptures.

I'm gaining a better understanding of the Plan.

I'm gaining a stronger relationship with God and my Savior.

I'm learning to recognize others who are in need.

I feel stronger. I have faith. I have love. I have God on my side. Always. I have my Savior to lift me up. Always.

I'm so full of joy and gratitude. I'm so grateful for everything right now. Hallelujah!