Today I prayed and tried to express my pains and feelings to God. Prayer is sometimes really hard for me, but I'm trying to make it better and have better communication with Him.
As I poured out the pain of the addiction and the recent relapses, I found myself expressing, "It still hurts" over and over. Like a broken record.
Jack had a minor slip-up yesterday (minor can be relative--minor compared to normal). I know it has nothing to do with me. I know it's not because I'm fat, ugly, or a failure as a wife...Or at least that's what I keep telling myself. No, I know it's not those things. I like myself, and I do know his relapses are not because of me but because of the addiction. The brain. The dopamine.
But it still hurts. It still makes me emotionally guarded. I'm still in pain.
When I tried to explain that to Heavenly Father and begged for relief, a feeling of peace washed over me as I felt the Spirit whisper, "Marie, I know it hurts. It hurts me when my children are unfaithful to me and turn to other means of fulfilling what only I can give. It's okay to hurt. And I'm here for you."