Things have been going really great lately. So, this morning when I was overcome with stress and felt the Darkness coming in, it freaked me out a little bit. I was trying to piece things together in my head and push it all away for another time while I studied my scriptures and read through my love dare for the day, when Jack, who was getting ready for work, came to give me a hug. He felt something was wrong, and asked if I was okay.
I always want him to notice and ask me if I'm okay. I always want him to notice without me telling him. He's a guy, though, so he usually doesn't or just doesn't know how to approach it. It kind of caught me off-guard, and I didn't know what to say, especially since I had been trying to hide it all until after he left. He had to leave in ten minutes, and I felt like any explanation I could give him would require more than a ten-minute discussion. After a moment of silence and hesitation, I said, "The Love Dare is hard." [and that is a post for a different day.] In my frustration, I cried a little. The real reason I was being weird was not the Love Dare. That was only a small part of it, which was indeed making it worse. But that wasn't the root of my issues this morning.
After another moment of hesitation, I released the real issue: "I'm really stressed about the Togetherness Project. I really want to go, but I just don't think it's do-able. The flight is too expensive for us, and I don't know how it will work with school. I don't know what will be happening at that time, and maybe it's a time when I won't be able to leave. [ps we are living with my parents right now because of our financial woes. My parents are not in on the addiction secrecy... Jack doesn't feel comfortable with anyone in our families knowing] I don't know how I will just leave for a weekend without having to have some explanation for my family, either. And I don't know how I can spend a weekend in Salt Lake without your family knowing, and I miss your family so much! I don't feel like it's even fair to go for the Togetherness Project and not visit your family, but then we would have to explain why I'm there without you. Plus, we need to get into a house. This will set us back, and it makes me feel so selfish." I buried my face in my hands and started crying.
He came and sat by me on the couch, took my hands, looked me in the eyes and said, "You know what I think is happening?"
"Satan?" I whispered.
"Yeah. Whenever you've talked about the Togetherness Project, you light up. You really want to go. And it will be really good for you to go. Satan knows that, and he wants to make it seem impossible. He wants to overwhelm you and make you feel miserable about it so you won't go. Don't worry about the money. We will figure it out. We both have jobs now [even though I don't get my first teacher paycheck until the end of August], so we can afford it better than you think. And it won't set us back very much in moving out of your parents' house and into our own. It will be okay. Don't worry about it."
I kept talking about the things stressing me out about this. I followed him around while he finished getting ready, and we kept discussing it. Finally, right before he left, he said, "Just remember that you are important. This is important. It's a priority for you to go. Satan wants you to feel like you aren't important, that your recovery and healing aren't important. He doesn't want you to feel the peace and validation you are going to feel while you are there. You are important. Apply for the scholarship, and we will make it all work out."
I love him. His being in tune with my needs this morning was amazing. He said exactly what I needed to hear. He validated me. He gave me perspective. He saw the root of my feelings, and that was darkness from Satan. He knows how it works. I know how it works, but sometimes I second-guess it when it's happening to me.
I'm grateful to have such a thoughtful, smart husband. I'm grateful that he cares and is willing to make the financial sacrifice to ship me off to Utah for the Togetherness Project.
Amen, sistas! I'm applying for that scholarship!