The Love Dare

This afternoon, while praying, I received distinct revelation as to how I should go about step 9.

I haven't started on step 9 yet because I wasn't completely sure how I was going to do it this time (and there were the relapses and the horrible week and stuff that made me stop and just have to get a grip on life and stabilize before pressing onward in the steps). Yesterday and today I've been thinking I'm close to ready, but I was just waiting to figure out how to approach it.

I'm ready now. Ohhhh I'm SO ready! While I was praying, God told me exactly what I need to do, and I'm excited! Don't you just love personal revelation?

For those of you who are going through the steps for the first time, step 9 (restitution and reconciliation) is not as intimidating as you might think it is from just reading it. Upon completion of this step, you are free. You are free of the inventory, the confession, and the pain your weaknesses have brought because you just made it all right. You've repented. You've turned yourself over to God. You're trying to do His will. And you have made every effort to restore peace to relationships that have been harmed. You've made restitution and reconciliation.

My first time through the 12 steps, I was really focused on relationships outside my house. After all, I had done an inventory of as much as I could think of from my life, and I had a lot more relationships to restore then than I do now. Because I've done step 10 (daily accountability) already, I've even done a pretty good job at repenting, seeking forgiveness, and restoring peace in my relationships as I make mistakes. Right now, I feel that the relationships I will be focusing on for step 9 are my relationships with Jack, self, and God. Well, my relationship with God is something I'm always working on, but I threw that in for good measure. Really, it's Jack and myself. Those were the main ones I identified in step 8.

Something that I have been struggling with a lot for the past two weeks is love. Love for Jack. I love him because he is my husband. I married him because I loved him, but do you see how I just got that backwards? I love him because he is my husband. He has hurt me a lot. We worked hard, and the move we made in December has been really good for both our relationship and his addiction. Things have been great this year until the past couple of weeks. Now, with his relapses, we've been fighting. A lot. I've been angry. A lot. I initiate a lot of the fights--kind of because I want his attention, and kind of because I just want to bring him down with me (sigh. just like Satan). Because of all the tension and anger, I've felt like the giddy love, the happy love is slipping away.

That sounds horrible. I really do love him at a very deep level. I also have moments where I feel that giddy, happy love slam me in the face. Like today, when we were driving home from the temple, and we were dancing in the car (I taught him how to have car dance-parties). I looked over at him, and I just had this feeling overpower me that he is just the cutest guy ever, and he is 100% perfect for me. And, I definitely wouldn't want a divorce. I actually let my thoughts go there one day last week. What would life be like if we divorced? The answer? Empty. My life would be empty because I do love him and he brings me so much joy. Our marriage brings me so much joy. But right now I am hurting. When I am hurting this way, the little things that annoy me, and the big things that hurt me all pile up and bring me down. And my love feels a little empty because of my pain. My love for him goes deep, but I feel like I can't reach it right now. I can't reach it from the beach I am stranded on. I feel like our love is floating away, and I don't want that to happen!

Really, he is in recovery mode. He has sincerely apologized. He has taken my crap and Satan-like attempts to bring him down with me. He hasn't gotten as mad as he maybe should at the way I have treated him lately. Granted, I also haven't gotten as mad as I could have about the relapse thing, so maybe we're even on that. Anyway, overall, he is recovering. He is trying, and that's all I can ask for right now. I really can't expect him to just be clean. He is trying so hard, and he sometimes gets more depressed than I do about the fact that he hasn't mastered his addiction yet. He is still learning. And so am I.

And I won't let the addiction tear away my love for him.

Wanna know something funny? Jack is a tad shorter than me. Whenever I get mad because of his addiction, there is always this unsettled anger that he is shorter than me and addicted to pornography and masturbation. As if him being taller would somehow make up for his addiction. It's ridiculous.

Remember that letter I wrote to Satan? Well, it was a little bout of courage and ferocity God gave me to gear me up for the hard times coming my way. I was prepared. I think that little fire helped me make it through the past couple of weeks. Now, I'm here to remind that evil being that God is on my side, and I like it that way. And He is helping me. Today, He gave me distinct revelation as to how I will restore and reconcile the love that is floating away in our marriage. That's what I was praying for, and that was the fastest answer to a prayer I've had in a long time (yet another sign that He is there, and I need to wait patiently on his timing for things...).

Ready?

The Love Dare. Or the Husband Challenge. I haven't decided which one I will do yet. Both came to mind at pretty much the same time. Maybe I'll do both!

The Husband Challenge is something I was invited to on facebook a long time ago. There was a PDF and everything, so I saved it. I didn't actually do it because I was like, "Oh, we're fine" at the time. But I still have the challenge on PDF, so I can do it whenever I want to.

If you haven't heard of the Love Dare, go watch Fireproof. It's a Christian movie about a firefighter who is going through bad times with his wife (including his pornography addiction). They are on the verge of divorce, when, as a last hope, his dad challenges him to do this love dare. Then if things still aren't working, he could go ahead and file for divorce. It's not the best movie in the world (acting-wise), but the message is awesome. I actually wish we had more corny awesome-message movies in the world. It's by the same people who did Courageous, which was a great corny-awesome-message movie.  

Restitution and reconciliation.

The Love Dare. The Husband Challenge.

 Both of those are there to help us gain appreciation and love for spouses. God gave me revelation that it will help me restore the love I'm feeling is starting to get lost.

 I'll probably do the Love Dare since it's Christian-based. If you have seen Fireproof and are wondering how I will do it, they made a book called The Love Dare. It's based on that movie. Jack got it for me for Valentine's day. That sounds a little self-serving on his part (haha, which is totally what I thought too at first), but he actually wanted to do it for me, and then I wouldn't let him. I said he got the book for me, and I was going to do it when he least expected it. Since I just made it public, and he reads my blog, he will know what is going on. But, hey, who cares, right?

I am seriously SO EXCITED for step 9! Like, you have no idea how much hope and light I feel right now, and it's a huge relief because of the dark hole I have felt like I've been in lately.

I'm excited because I know the Love Dare will bring me closer to Jack. I know it will bring our relationship closer to God. And it will help me feel peace and forgive myself for the pain and heartache I have caused.

:D

I'd rather be grateful than hateful

Credit

I wrote my post yesterday from the car. We are road trippin' across the state so I can attend a conference/training for a class I am teaching in the fall. Jack is coming with me because he is unemployed... So why not, right? We'll have every night to spend together in a hotel this week. We can do fun touristy stuff too. During the day, he is going to research business ideas he has (we have a really good friend who really wants to start a business with Jack. Might as well look into it since he has the time).

Not long after I finished my post yesterday, our car BROKE DOWN. In the middle of nowhere. Well, we were on the outskirts of a very small town, so it could have been worse.

When the car stopped (that's right, it randomly just powered down and we had to get over to the shoulder and try to get it up and running again), my first thought was prayer. I said to Jack, "You man the wheel, and I'll pray." It was a very sincere prayer. I actually felt like a child. I felt like I was exercising the faith of a child, and I just knew that all would be well because I prayed.

We made it to an O'Reilly store (about four blessed miles later).

The guy working did a diagnostic check for us. We couldn't get a mechanic yesterday. And O'Reilly didn't even have the parts we probably need and won't get them in till this afternoon. So, we booked a hotel, and after multiple failed attempts, we got the car started again.

Again, I told Jack to man the wheel while I prayed. This time, I was even more sincere. The car was in worse shape than it was before, and just the fact that it started was a miracle. I prayed that we would make it to a hotel safely. I prayed that we would have peace and strength. And I prayed that we would be blessed according to our faith. I've never said that in a prayer. Let me tell ya, it was powerful. It was one of the most powerful experiences I have had in prayer. I felt the Spirit so strongly, and I felt safe in God's hands.And when I closed in the name of Jesus Christ, I could feel Him right there with us.

The hotel was only about two miles away from the O'Reilly store. That was the longest two miles of my life. For obvious reasons, we didn't want to just leave all our stuff in our abandoned car and trek to the hotel. We really wanted to make it safely to the hotel: with our car and everything inside. When we started climbing a hill that went over the freeway, Jack kind of freaked out. It did seem like the car was going to stop again, but I just kept repeating that we would be fine.

I knew we would be fine. I just had this really strong feeling that our faith was being tested and that God wanted us to put our faith in Him.

Jack has been really anxious about this all day. I haven't been. I mean, yeah, it's a HUGE inconvenience. If we don't make it to the conference, the school probably won't pay for this trip: the hotel we had to stay in last night, our dinner (and food for today), and our gas/mileage will be coming out of our pocket. That and whatever it takes to repair this beast. And, as you all know, Jack doesn't have a job, and I don't get my next paycheck until school starts in the fall. He has been stressing about it a lot, and I really don't blame him. He stresses more about finances than I do.

I, on the other hand, have not been stressing. I'm actually kind of grateful our car broke down. It gave us an adventure together. It gave us the opportunity to depend on God together. It made us work together. It might make us go into more debt together, if worst comes to worst, but I know that God will take care of us. I know that somehow it will all work out. And we are together in this. Last night and this morning have been nice because it's been so non-stressful for me. We have nowhere to go. If we wanted to go anywhere, we have no way. We have to just relax and spend time together. We got to talk. I got to express some feelings that needed repair from a loving husband. Our lives are currently on hold until further notice. It's nice. 

I am grateful for this experience. I have been asking for help in relying more on the Atonement in my life. He gave me an opportunity. I have been asking for healing in my marriage. He gave us an opportunity. I have been praying for Jack and his addiction, and God gave him an opportunity (read his current post here).

Life is full of opportunities. Those opportunities can be full of trial, fear, hope, love, peace, etc. You name it. Life and opportunity can be anything you let it be. God grants us opportunities to refine us, and I'm grateful for this opportunity. It helped me realize the strength of my faith, and it helped me gain an opportunity to be a strength for Jack too.

I'm just so full of gratitude right now!

I love it! I'd rather be grateful than hateful :D

2 Nephi 32:8-9

"And now, my beloved brethren, I perceive that ye ponder still in your hearts; and it grieveth me that I must speak concerning this thing. For if ye would hearken unto the Spirit which teacheth a man to pray, ye would know that ye must pray; for the evil spirit teacheth not a man to pray, but teacheth him that he must not pray.

"But behold, I say unto you that ye must pray always, and not faint; that ye must not perform any thing unto the Lord save in the first place ye shall pray unto the Father in the name of Christ, that he will consecrate thy performance unto thee, that thy performance may be for the welfare of thy soul."

These verses really hit home today.

Over the past several days, but today especially, I have had moments where I feel like I just need to pray. Sometimes it's because I feel some kind of panic. Sometimes it's because I am overcome with sudden joy and gratitude. Sometimes it's for another's welfare. I have been much better at recognizing those promptings, but sometimes I don't follow through with them. I need to follow through with them. I need to "pray always."

Today has been very go-go-go. I have felt rushed all day long. I have had my bouts of peace, though, and overall, it has been a very good day. While I was in the bathroom at my chiropractor's office, I felt this sudden urge to pray. Here? In the bathroom? No. I don't know why I felt so self-conscious. It's a one-person bathroom, and they keep it really clean. It's not like it's a gas station. I think I felt self-conscious because maybe someone was out there waiting to use the bathroom and I thought they would find it weird if I was in there for forever, and before I came out, they heard no flush. No big deal really. After battling with myself, I ended up kneeling down right there to pray.

It was kind of a quick prayer. I just told God some of my feelings but mostly expressed gratitude for what is happening in my life right now.

At the time I felt prompted to kneel down and pray, I also had a lot of reasons running through my mind why I shouldn't pray. Like normal. Whenever I feel prompted to pray, there are always reasons why I shouldn't. Those are temptations of Satan. Heavenly Father wants me to pray. In fact, He wants me to "pray always, and not faint." He wants me to pray for everything, and He will consecrate my performance. It's such a comfort to know that if I pray always, He will help me achieve the things that I need to. I can pray for humility. I can pray to be able to handle the stress in my life. I can pray for my friends. I can pray for strangers I come across. I can pray for my husband. I can pray to be a better wife. I can pray to be more grateful. I can pray to be a better listener. I can pray to be more understanding.

There is so much to pray for.

Prayer is such a simple tool to help bring us closer to Heavenly Father. It is simple, and it is beautiful. I am so grateful for prayer, for the ability I have to talk to my Father in Heaven, and for the blessings that come from developing that relationship with Him.

Experiencing a change of heart

"In one who is really wholly converted, desire for things contrary to the gospel of Jesus Christ has actually died. And substituted therefore is a love of God, with a fixed and controlling determination to keep his commandments.” -Marion G. Romney

Action steps:
1) Be willing to allow the Savior to convert your heart.
2) Attend Sunday school, Relief Society, and Priesthood meetings.
3) Be willing to be changed so imperfections may be removed by the power of God.

So, what does it take to become wholly converted? What can we do to experience that change of heart?

The most important tools have been given us by our loving Father. We have an open door of communication through prayer, and we have the scriptures to guide and direct us.

First, I want to talk about prayer. Prayer is such a wonderful gift from Heavenly Father. Through prayer, we can tell Him everything. We can tell Him our fears and cares. We can tell Him our desires. We can tell Him that we want to be changed, and we want to be converted, but we don't know how. We can ask for His help. He can give us revelation. Through prayer, we can bring His spirit into our hearts. If we pray often, He will be with us often.

Scriptures are also crucial. As we study the scriptures, we can be led to words of comfort. We can learn of examples of the prophets to follow. We can learn of Christ and try to emulate His character. We can bring sweet peace into our hearts. We can be awakened to repentance. And words of the scriptures can be a constant reminder of who we are, who we can become, and what to do to get there.

Going to church and attending my meetings is another huge blessing for me. There are days where I was so emotional and didn't want to go. Those days are much fewer now. But I learned that there is a pattern to when I don't want to attend my meetings. It usually happens when I will gain something fantastic from church and satan wants to keep me from bring there. I love church. I love the spirit I feel there, and I love going there to worship. When I remember that my focus is to worship God, I gain so much more, and the spirit hits me stronger.

Those three things--prayer, scriptures, and attending church--are all so important to bringing the Spirit into your life. As the Spirit finds a place in your life, your heart will become softer, and you will gradually come closer to Christ.

In order to experience a true change of heart, you truly have to be willing. I know, it's scary. I'm the kind of girl who has a hard time dealing with change, even if it is good. Change is just, well, change. It's different. It's intimidating. It's scary to be something different; that's why a change of heart can seem overwhelming. But, if you have courage to act in faith and trust God, He will change you. His power will remove your imperfections. His power will make up what you cannot accomplish on your own.

Even now, two years after trying to heal from this trial, I'm not perfect. I still need a change of heart. But, I have healed a lot. Here are some changes I have experienced already:

-My attitude has changed from Husband doing this to me. I no longer take it personally. I can see His struggles and try to help Him.

-I am more patient. In general, I am more patient and loving to those around me (including myself)

-I am much happier.

-I can see my blessings for what they are: tender mercies from a loving Father.

-I am more willing to serve.

-I can feel joy and peace.

There is so much more, but those are some. I still have lots of work to do, but I'm getting there. As long as I keep working hard and relying on God and turning myself over to Him, I have faith that I will get where I am supposed to go and become the woman He knows I can be.

Learning Through Study and Prayer

It's been a few days...

My husband and I took a little trip (to escape some of the pressures of real life...), and I wasn't able to write! But, alas, we are back to the real world. The good news is, it's blog time!

I have been thinking about a lot of things I wanted to write this week, but I'll just share some simple things I learned through study and prayer this week.

Some of you already know that I have a lot on my plate right now. What you may not know is that I have been struggling with depression lately. It comes and goes. Sometimes, I feel like my life is this big black hole and I don't know how to carry on to the next day. So we took this little vacation from life, only to come back to my life full of stress and me to feel like I don't really know what to do. About anything. I'm really grateful that I went out with the sister missionaries last weekend because in many prayers we said together, they asked special blessings on me in their gratitude for me to serve them. So... just waiting on those special blessings :) It really gives me hope because I know that God won't not answer the prayers of those sisters (double negative, I know. My husband would not be thrilled with my use of a double negative, but it was the only way I could think to express that).

I have been really searching for ways to come unto Christ and feel the Spirit in my life this week. And I have been searching for answers to many questions about my life. The bulk of my gospel study has been from last General Conference: "Of Regrets and Resolutions," "Where is the Pavilion," and "One Step Closer to the Savior." I was reminded of many very crucial things, and I asked myself some very good questions to help me be on the right path. Here is a list of stuff I thought about and learned this week. Hopefully it will help some of you who are trying to figure out your life, gain some perspective, or figure out what is going on or something.

Study:   
      -What would Christ do in my situation? How would He handle what I am facing?
      -I need to live up to my potential. I can become the person God intended for me to be by doing certain things. If I can become that person, that is where I will have the most potential for happiness
      -Heavenly Father knows things about me that I don't know about myself. I NEED TO FOLLOW HIS PROMPTINGS!! (yes, that is how I wrote it in my journal)
      -I need to let myself be happier. How? I'm not really sure. That's what I'm trying to figure out. I can definitely try harder not to get caught up in illusions of things that are just beyond my reach. I determine my happiness right now.
      *I can pray to enjoy the moment.
      -I can make trials sweet experiences.
      -Life isn't easy.
      -Where is my focus? Is it on God, or am I focusing too much on my desires? Am I really doing what He wants me to do, or am I fooling myself into thinking I am following His plan to rationalize my plan?
      -Am I saying, "Thy will be done"? or am I saying, "Fine, thy will be done, but this better be easy"?
      -Am I willing to listen and submit to His name?
      -Life isn't supposed to be easy. Think of all the early Saints who did God's will and literally lost family members. Some families disowned those who joined the church. That even still happens. Some people lost loved ones who died while crossing the plains. They suffered even more than just that. God asked so much of them, and they did it faithfully. Why would He not ask a lot of me too?
      -Conversion is a lifelong quest to become like the Savior.

Okay, now for what I have learned through prayer. I feel very strongly that I should share these experiences, which are very sacred to me. I have had some really heartfelt communication with God this week, which is a testimony to me that He really is there watching me. And He is waiting for me to come unto Him.

Today, as I prayed and told God all about the mess that my life is right now, I felt a very serene, peaceful feeling. I felt God wrap His arms around me and hug me. It was the most beautiful feeling I have experienced in a while. I have been trying to tell my husband and my mom the things going on in my life (minus the addiction stuff to my mom because she doesn't know), and whenever I talk to anyone about how hard I feel like things are, I just feel like no one understands. And it's okay that no one understands because it's my trial. They haven't experienced what I am experiencing, and they just don't get why my head is always clouded and dark right now. But today, as I prayed, I felt light. I felt God surround me. And I felt the reminder that He understands. And His son understands. Christ knows exactly what I am going through because He felt it. And yes, I am on the right path right now, and yes, they are giving me strength. I received answers to many of my questions and even answers to questions that I wasn't really sure how to ask. I just felt so much validation. I felt like it is okay to feel the way I feel, and the understanding that God has for me and what I am going through was so beautiful. I'm so glad we have the power of prayer, and I am so grateful for the times when I really open up to God and experience His understanding. I always say I need to pray more heartfelt prayers like that, and this is why. I probably would have more patience with my trials knowing that there is someone out there who always understands me and can give me strength to keep on going.

I bear testimony to you, wherever you are, that God sees you. He is always near. He hears and answers prayers. He loves you. He loves each of us with a love that we can't even comprehend. Sometimes we may not receive the answers to our prayers in the time we want to receive them. It's not because He is ignoring us; it's because He wants us to learn something or we are on the verge of figuring it out. But He always sends us little things to make us aware of His presence. Sometimes, we just don't have our eyes open enough to see those things. I pray for each of you that you will be able to find God, especially if you are having a cloudy week like I am. No matter what you are going through, He hears and sees you. He is there. I promise. If you haven't gotten on your knees in a while, I'd encourage you to do so and open up your heart to Him, and listen for what He has to say to you. He loves you. And I love you :)

Step 5 tomorrow!!

Dealing with Anger

I have been asked about kind of concrete ways that I deal with my anger.

Really, I would say that you kind of have to figure it out for yourself, but this is what I do, and you can use any of these ideas to help.

In the moment, I have to pause, and take deep breaths. When I get overcome with anger, it's some serious rage. Even the little things come with serious rage sometimes. Taking deep breaths helps get oxygen to my brain, and I can think a little clearer. I ask myself why I am mad, and is it worth it to stay mad? Sometimes, I decide it's worth it to stay mad for selfish reasons: I want my husband (or whoever) to really know that they hurt me, I want to make that person feel guilty, or I am too lazy to try to fight off the anger. Those three things are all qualities of Satan. When I am angry, I act like Satan. Wow. When I realized that for the first time, I got really depressed. Don't get depressed. It's part of the cycle of healing. Anger is normal. But, it's good to recognize the negative aspects of anger and try to overcome it.

If I have time and access, I write in my angry journal. Yes, angry journal. In this journal, I can write whatever I want. My husband will never see it. I might even burn it so my posterity can't ever see it. But this journal lets me rant out what I want to get out, AND, usually when I am finished writing, I realize that the reason I am mad or the way I am acting is stupid. Writing is so therapeutic for me. Writing helps me reason and understand myself. If you are artistic, you could do an art journal to express yourself that way.  Or both.

Praying is another crucial thing. Like I have said before, anger is kind of an addiction for me. When my husband is tempted with his addiction, he prays and asks God to help him fight it or to remove it for him. So, I have been really trying to do the same thing with my anger. It lets God see my submission, faith, and trust in Him. 

I also (somewhere) have a list of scriptures that help give me peace. So I can turn to them and find help that way. Or, I just open my scriptures and read the ones that are marked until I find something that really helps.

I started making a list of my favorite scriptures to post on here, but it is so long. So, here are some, and I'll add more tomorrow. These aren't necessarily specific to anger, but they give me hope and peace in general (and some are specific to anger too).

Psalms 27:1
Psalms 31:24
Proverbs 3:5
Proverbs 13:10
Proverbs 16:32
Proverbs 17:22
Mark 14:36
Luke 22:42
John 3:16-17
John 14:27
Romans 5 (the whole chapter is great, but the beginning through verse 11 is my favorite)
Romans 8:24-25