It's been a few days...
My husband and I took a little trip (to escape some of the pressures of real life...), and I wasn't able to write! But, alas, we are back to the real world. The good news is, it's blog time!
I have been thinking about a lot of things I wanted to write this week, but I'll just share some simple things I learned through study and prayer this week.
Some of you already know that I have a lot on my plate right now. What you may not know is that I have been struggling with depression lately. It comes and goes. Sometimes, I feel like my life is this big black hole and I don't know how to carry on to the next day. So we took this little vacation from life, only to come back to my life full of stress and me to feel like I don't really know what to do. About anything. I'm really grateful that I went out with the sister missionaries last weekend because in many prayers we said together, they asked special blessings on me in their gratitude for me to serve them. So... just waiting on those special blessings :) It really gives me hope because I know that God won't not answer the prayers of those sisters (double negative, I know. My husband would not be thrilled with my use of a double negative, but it was the only way I could think to express that).
I have been really searching for ways to come unto Christ and feel the Spirit in my life this week. And I have been searching for answers to many questions about my life. The bulk of my gospel study has been from last General Conference: "Of Regrets and Resolutions," "Where is the Pavilion," and "One Step Closer to the Savior." I was reminded of many very crucial things, and I asked myself some very good questions to help me be on the right path. Here is a list of stuff I thought about and learned this week. Hopefully it will help some of you who are trying to figure out your life, gain some perspective, or figure out what is going on or something.
-What would Christ do in my situation? How would He handle what I am facing?
-I need to live up to my potential. I can become the person God intended for me to be by doing certain things. If I can become that person, that is where I will have the most potential for happiness
-Heavenly Father knows things about me that I don't know about myself. I NEED TO FOLLOW HIS PROMPTINGS!! (yes, that is how I wrote it in my journal)
-I need to let myself be happier. How? I'm not really sure. That's what I'm trying to figure out. I can definitely try harder not to get caught up in illusions of things that are just beyond my reach. I determine my happiness right now.
*I can pray to enjoy the moment.
-I can make trials sweet experiences.
-Life isn't easy.
-Where is my focus? Is it on God, or am I focusing too much on my desires? Am I really doing what He wants me to do, or am I fooling myself into thinking I am following His plan to rationalize my plan?
-Am I saying, "Thy will be done"? or am I saying, "Fine, thy will be done, but this better be easy"?
-Am I willing to listen and submit to His name?
-Life isn't supposed to be easy. Think of all the early Saints who did God's will and literally lost family members. Some families disowned those who joined the church. That even still happens. Some people lost loved ones who died while crossing the plains. They suffered even more than just that. God asked so much of them, and they did it faithfully. Why would He not ask a lot of me too?
-Conversion is a lifelong quest to become like the Savior.
Okay, now for what I have learned through prayer. I feel very strongly that I should share these experiences, which are very sacred to me. I have had some really heartfelt communication with God this week, which is a testimony to me that He really is there watching me. And He is waiting for me to come unto Him.
Today, as I prayed and told God all about the mess that my life is right now, I felt a very serene, peaceful feeling. I felt God wrap His arms around me and hug me. It was the most beautiful feeling I have experienced in a while. I have been trying to tell my husband and my mom the things going on in my life (minus the addiction stuff to my mom because she doesn't know), and whenever I talk to anyone about how hard I feel like things are, I just feel like no one understands. And it's okay that no one understands because it's my trial. They haven't experienced what I am experiencing, and they just don't get why my head is always clouded and dark right now. But today, as I prayed, I felt light. I felt God surround me. And I felt the reminder that He understands. And His son understands. Christ knows exactly what I am going through because He felt it. And yes, I am on the right path right now, and yes, they are giving me strength. I received answers to many of my questions and even answers to questions that I wasn't really sure how to ask. I just felt so much validation. I felt like it is okay to feel the way I feel, and the understanding that God has for me and what I am going through was so beautiful. I'm so glad we have the power of prayer, and I am so grateful for the times when I really open up to God and experience His understanding. I always say I need to pray more heartfelt prayers like that, and this is why. I probably would have more patience with my trials knowing that there is someone out there who always understands me and can give me strength to keep on going.
I bear testimony to you, wherever you are, that God sees you. He is always near. He hears and answers prayers. He loves you. He loves each of us with a love that we can't even comprehend. Sometimes we may not receive the answers to our prayers in the time we want to receive them. It's not because He is ignoring us; it's because He wants us to learn something or we are on the verge of figuring it out. But He always sends us little things to make us aware of His presence. Sometimes, we just don't have our eyes open enough to see those things. I pray for each of you that you will be able to find God, especially if you are having a cloudy week like I am. No matter what you are going through, He hears and sees you. He is there. I promise. If you haven't gotten on your knees in a while, I'd encourage you to do so and open up your heart to Him, and listen for what He has to say to you. He loves you. And I love you :)
Step 5 tomorrow!!