Hell Week’s Gift: Understanding

Words can’t even describe the past week. I’ve been majorly depressed, but it’s been really weird because I’ve had some moments of extreme happiness too. It’s been an emotional roller coaster if I’ve ever seen one.

During this depression, I’ve hit the lowest of lows for me. I thought I struggled with depression before, but this week proved to me that things can always get worse. On the bright side, however, I’ve studied my scriptures every day before school, and I’ve definitely reaped the blessings of putting God first in my day. I’ve seen so many expressions of His love all around me, and I’m grateful that I can lean on that to know that He is still there lifting me up every day. I thought I had seen light in the darkness before, but this week also proved to me like never before that there is always light. And I’m clinging to it for dear life.

While I was at times paralyzingly depressed, I did a lot of soul-searching. I hate to admit this (can you say pride?), but after everything I’ve gone through over the past three years, I still have room for humbling and using the Atonement. I still have room for my testimony and strength to grow. I’ve been studying hope and faith this week, and I’m seeing how powerful they can be. I’m learning how  truly humble I have to be to let faith and hope work and to really turn to God and accept His will for my life.

Everything feels so hard right now. I have good days, even great days, at school, and yet it is a daily struggle to even think about going back the next day. I’m trying to focus on one day at a time, yet I can’t seem to slow down and not think about all the responsibilities that await me each and every day.  Behind it all, I’m anticipating what could be a slightly horrendous move (horrendous for reasons that I don’t want to get in to right now). And Ben is leaving in possibly a week. As funny as it may sound on this blog, he is a rock to me in a lot of ways. We complete each other. And he is so good to me when I am depressed. I’m scared to face this depression without him, but I know that it will force me to lean on God more, which will only be a good thing.

Yesterday when I got home from school, Ben told me about his relapses.

Sigh.

My instinctive, initial reaction, though, was peace. As he told me about the tough temptations, how hard they were—the hardest he has faced in a long time—along with how hard he fought, I could only think, “Man. I can relate.” As he expressed his disappointment in himself for falling hard this week, I could only think about my depression. I thought about the duties I had neglected at home all week, and how he had to pick up the slack. I thought of the relatively mean and manipulative things I had said and done because I was so depressed. I thought of the inner struggles I had, fighting the depression because I did not want to let it win, and the pain I felt when I realized depression had won and I had lost.

I felt like I understood him.

I know that I can in no way understand exactly what is going on from his perspective, just like he can’t completely understand my perspective of this issue in our marriage. But I did feel like in some ways my depression was perfectly timed so I could have that experience of understanding.

On another note, when we break it down, all of my worst moments of depression this week seem to be in direct relationship with his relapse moments. In the past, when I’ve gotten severely depressed, my instinct is to think that something is going on with him—and that is usually a valid feeling. This time I didn’t go there in my mind. I was caught completely off-guard with his confession. On one hand, that is good because I was so full of trust (which is major progress) that I didn’t think my depression had anything to do with his addiction. On the other hand, it scares me that it could be hidden so easily. All week, he was so loving and supportive of me while he was dying a little bit inside, and I had NO CLUE.

Progress is being made, though. He told me about the relapsing when he felt it was most appropriate (although, to be fair, if he had told me right away rather than letting it build up, it probably wouldn’t have escalated to where it did). And even though I’m not 100% sure I agree with his timing, He told me, rather than me questioning and pestering him. That is good.

We almost separated about a month ago. It’s been a little rough, but I’m still seeing progress being made. I’m so happy for him.

My Secret Life

Even though I've known about the addiction for 2.5 years, it's still hard for me to digest. Sometimes I go back and think about things as they once were (or as I thought they were) and I just miss it. I miss the mornings that we didn't get out of bed for hours because we just wanted to be together. I miss the feelings of bliss. I miss the innocent joy. Didn't we all get married with some different fairy tale than what we got in mind?

It's not like we are doing horribly or that our lives are awful. They aren't. We're actually doing pretty well, all things considered. Plus, he is 33 days sober! Don't let that fool you, though. One thing I've learned is that the length of sobriety time does not determine my happiness. If I'm still grieving or depressed or whatever, I'm still there. I have to work through it and come to terms with things on my own time. So, even with that awesome sobriety (great job, Ben!), we are still facing consequences of the addiction. And that is okay. It's just sad too.

I'm stuck in the grief cycle. I don't really know where I am. It changes from day to day, and it all fluctuates between denial, anger, and depression. And, I know it to be possible to experience all three of those in the same day. When that happens, well, we'll just call it one heck of a day.

I actually wonder why I'm still in denial (or maybe it's not that I'm still in denial, but I am again. There have been times when I felt like I accepted things. But then more addiction happens and I sometimes hit denial again). I mean, HELLOOOOOO, do I need to repeat what I said in my first sentence? I've known about the addiction for 2.5 YEARS. That should be long enough to come to terms and accept that this is my life. Except for the fact that I haven't finished grieving what I thought we had--what I thought we had many times and then discovered lies. And I'm still grieving what might or might not be. I'm grieving the changes that have happened that cause me to fear the future (a little bit). I still can't believe this is happening to ME, to US. The marriage that I worked so hard for is not what I thought it was. My plan is on the floor around me, broken.

I'm learning to not rely on plans. I'm learning to just live, and that's how I'm able to face all of this head on. Well, that is through the grace of God. I'm definitely not doing this on my own.

I realized I'm still in denial and trying too hard to fight depression last night. Last night I did a couples satisfaction survey on ADDO. Apparently, I am currently dissatisfied with my marriage. The results of that survey came partially as a shock (because I was in denial of how messy and dissatisfied I feel), and partially as a relief--like a deep breath of truth and honesty with myself. I'm dissatisfied. That's okay. We are working. He is working on recovery. Things can get better. If I said I was satisfied, I would be lying to myself. That's what I've been doing. So, now, I'm just trying to embrace.

I hate denial. I hate anger. I hate depression. I'm glad I'm facing them head on, and I'm really trying not to shove these feelings off. I'm trying to pick myself up every day and get a move on.

Okay, enough rambling. Here is the main thing I want you to get from this post. Ready?

If you are suffering because someone you love has an addiction (any addiction), and you are in silence, stop the silence. Now. Open up to someone. Let it out. Cry to someone you trust to not be judgmental of the situation.

Allow yourself to feel. Step out of denial.

Maybe this is just me, but I feel like I have been in denial for too long. I think that is because I have kept this part of my life a big secret for so long. Because, seriously, how hard is it to accept something when that part of your life is a complete secret from the rest of the world? I didn't tell anyone. For a long time. When I did finally tell someone, I rarely brought it up after that.

And now? Now, I have a circle of support. I have friends I can talk to. I have friends who I can cry to, who won't judge me or my husband. I'm allowing myself to live in this mess, and I'm starting to be okay with it. I'm not quite yet in the acceptance part of the grief cycle. I'm still fighting it. I don't do change well. And I don't want this to be happening. But I'll get there one day. I'll accept it better. That's what I'm working on right now.

If you don't know who you can talk to, talk to me. I'd love to get to know you :)

Writing for therapy

Credit

It feels like it's been 1,000 years since I've been on this thing. I just [kind of, almost] caught up on many others' posts I've been wanting to read but not found the time until right now. I've had a lot of things I've been wanting to write about too, but I've been so busy all week. Except for today. Today, I've just been approaching Depression.

I don't even know what I'm about to write. I just knew I needed to write. And write. And write until I feel better. I'm writing for my sanity--for therapy.

I woke up angry. I don't wake up angry that often, but I did today. The main reason is because I got some awful bug bites last week. The only anti-itch stuff I could find was some junk my mom gave me, and I had an allergic reaction to it. Thus, my itching was extreme with a crazy rash all over and around my bug bites. It's not going away. It's just itching like crazy and I want to chop my legs off. I've prayed and prayed, and still no relief. Actually, I guess I did find some anti-itch stuff in our toiletries box out in the garage on a sudden inspiration, but that was like two days after my initial prayer for itch-relief (it only works for about ten minutes, but I'll take that ten minutes of itch-relief). So, I guess that is a small testament to the fact that God hears but answers prayers in His timing. Anyway, I was angry this morning because I barely slept due to the continuous itching that kept waking me up. I couldn't sleep under the blankets because the heat made it itch worse, but then I would get really cold and wake up freezing.If I rolled over in my sleep, I woke up because of the irritation of the bed against my skin.

So I woke up angry [tired]. And late. We had no running water [that's a lie. it trickled out just barely. I didn't shower, though, because I was already late, and I was not about to spend 45 minutes in the shower]. There was a crazy storm last night that caused some major damage and flooding. There was a lot of backed up traffic and accidents on the way to the Professional Development I was going to be late for. I drove on some scary roads. Then I got there, and it was cancelled because the flooding was supposed to get worse. I listened to relaxing classical and Jon Schmidt music on the drive, which calmed me, and I saw the cancellation for what it was: a tender mercy. Because not only did I have a free day, but I was able to meet and trade cars with my husband, who was driving our car that seems to be on its last leg to work because I freaked out about its issues yesterday and refused to drive it today. I got to take it in to get looked at today, and that was a blessing. The fact that we should have money to make the necessary repairs is a blessing.

The anger and depression floated in and out today. I kind of freaked out about the guy I talked to at the car shop (he might not really be stupid, but he sure acted like it). But I got over it. I was going to blog this afternoon, but I fell asleep instead. I went to my chiropractor appointment feeling okay. I went swimming right after. My mom dropped me off at the fitness center [because our car is still in the shop]. The plan was to swim and then read my Ensign while waiting for Jack to pick me up on his way home from work. Don't worry. If you're thinking that's gross because I have a rash, it's not contagious. The cold water provided a little relief, and I was hoping the chlorine would kill the rash somehow.

I changed my clothes to swim and discovered I forgot my goggles. Horrific surge of anger. Then I decided to tough it out and swim without goggles. My eyes burned. And for some reason, my body was against swimming today. I kept choking on water and not being able to breathe [I seriously don't know why]. But I managed. I swam 150 meters short of a mile and decided that last little bit was so not worth it.

I skipped group today. I was feeling on the verge of exploding, and decided I needed personal time. To think. To write. To process.

I need to write about a trigger [trigger warning!]. I can't get it out of my head. It happened two nights ago. I wanted to write about it because I felt scarred, but I really had no time to write.

We came home from swimming on Tuesday pretty late in the evening. My mom was watching some law show on TV. While Jack and I made our dinner, I saw enough of the show to be intrigued. I used to be really into mystery novels and cop/law shows until I realized I did not have the stomach for the stories. Most of them have something to do with some type of sexual assault, and, you know, with this addiction in my life, I completely can't handle anything related to sexual assault. Not to mention the fact that my tolerance for anything sex-related in media has dramatically decreased (along with violence and language). Anyway, this story was about a girl who was in a coma because she had tried to commit suicide, and she had a school-teacher who had been killed. For some reason, that sounded like it could be interesting, so I sat down to watch it for a little bit. Turns out the teacher was one who traded sexual favors for good grades. This girl wouldn't give in to him, so he, through cyber-bullying, made her out to be a slut and ruined her chances of going to college because of the grade he gave her in his class. She tried to commit suicide because she was so embarrassed. There was a part of the show that, to me, was really graphic, showing the nasty teacher trying to get his way with other students. I. could. not. handle. it. I almost started crying. I wanted to get up and scream and turn the TV off. Instead, I quietly got up, said "This is disgusting," and resumed making dinner, trying to ignore the rest of the show. It triggered me majorly. I also kept thinking of my addict husband, who was in the room hearing/seeing (unless he was ignoring) the graphics on the show. I kept hoping he was ignoring and choosing good thoughts to block it out.

Ever since that incident, I have felt out of whack. I can't think straight. Not only did it scar me as a WoPA, but it scarred me as a teacher. I had a hard time at my teacher training yesterday, and every time I looked at my fellow [male] teachers, my stomach tightened. I felt like I could trust no one.

I've carried this trigger, unsuccessfully ridding myself of it, for two whole days. It's bringing me down, people! I feel like I'm going crazy. And the more crazy and triggery I feel, the more worthless I feel. I'm fighting it, though. I am so fighting this!

I hate triggers.I hate the feelings associated. I hate the disgust I feel. I hate the fact that I can't get the sick images out of my head. I hate triggers.

On a better note, I had the blessed experience to disclose all the important stuff about my WoPA-ness to our new Relief Society president. I have never done that before. Just telling my friend a few weeks ago was a huge thing for me. I told the R.S. president for a few reasons. First, because I felt really strongly that I should. I really want to be an advocate for this stuff, but I recognize that it's not appropriate for me to be public if my husband isn't ready for that. So I'm an anonymous advocate. I talked to my R.S. president so she could understand how passionate I am about the Togetherness Project (she is going to announce it and put a flyer in the R.S binders) and the LDS Addiction Recovery meetings our stake holds. She is going to announce those and the new phone meeting too. It was so refreshing and nice to talk to her. And the understands! I'm excited to have her validation and open arms when I need her. Yay!


This is kind of a weird post. I just really needed some serious writing time. If you made it to the bottom of this crazy post, congratulations! You're awesome! :D Say some prayers for me? So I can have peace? And itch-relief?


*sigh* my legs itch real bad. I can't handle it.

From dark to light

Credit

Yesterday I was scary. I was so angry and so depressed that I scared myself. At one (extreme) low point, one of my parents' dogs (we are watching the dogs while they are on vacation) was really annoying. I couldn't handle it anymore, so I just ran up to him, got down to his level, and screamed as loud and long as I could (don't worry though. He is a very non-judgmental dog. In fact, he seemed to think it was funny). I can't even describe it other than saying it felt very out of control and desperate. The feelings tied to it were terrifying. 

I prayed a lot yesterday. I studied my scriptures. I did a lot of good things to help with my depression and anxiety. Even though I felt out of control almost all day, by the time I was supposed to go out to this girl's night I helped put together, I was doing okay. And by the time I woke up this morning, I was happy. 

I have been happy today. HAPPY! I have had my moments where the bad tries to creep in, but I made the choice today to be happy, and I was. And it has been beautiful. 

I'm grateful for the sweet peace the gospel brings. I know this peace is from my Father and my Savior. I feel so incredibly blessed today. And, looking back, I am grateful for the darkness so I can relish the light even more. That's one good thing about trials.

I feel frozen

I feel frozen.
In blackness.
A lovely gift from Satan. Yes, I know the way he works on me and my body.

I started freezing yesterday.

By frozen, I mean, my body wants to shut down. I can barely communicate to different parts of my body to work. Like my fingers to type. Yesterday, it was my arms to stroke and my feet to kick while I swam. Then it was my legs to move when I walked. My mouth to work to explain to Jack what was going on. Tears barely even came out while we chatted last night. That is so not like me. I can usually at least cry.

All I can see about three feet in front of me is blackness.

I recently made the decision to tell a close friend about the addiction. I felt the prompting to tell her for a couple of weeks before I actually did. I was scared. I didn't want it to ruin our friendship. I didn't want her to freak out. And I wanted Jack to be okay with me telling her. That's what he fasted for on Fast Sunday, and then I waited to find a good time to talk to her about it. I'm so glad I told her because she just gets it. She may not completely understand everything about it, but she seems totally with it. And she is encouraging. I can't even describe it. But, in talking with her, she has said some things that I completely needed to hear.

We had a really good conversation yesterday. I felt light. I felt free. I felt loved and understood. I finally feel like I have a true friend in this place we are living.

We didn't just talk about the addiction yesterday. We talked about other things too. I could talk to her for hours. But eventually, I had to leave. As soon as I left, I started feeling weighed down. The feeling got worse and worse. By the time I arrived home, it took almost every ounce of energy I had to walk inside. To change my clothes to swim. To tell Jack about my day. To drive with him to the fitness center. We were going to swim for half an hour. I lasted 17 minutes then just couldn't do it anymore. It took all I had to shower. To stretch. To come home and make dinner. To watch the All-Star game (I slept through the All-Star game, actually).

My body was tensing up and shutting down.

I'm glad I'm at the point where I can really evaluate what is going on. I know that this horrible feeling is not me. It is not God telling me I'm doing something wrong. It is not because of the addiction. It's darkness surrounding me from Satan. I even know what triggered this, and I can see all the consequences of that one trigger.

It was triggered by a training I went to yesterday for school. The training all but completely overwhelmed me. Well, okay, it pretty much overwhelmed me. I have to go back to school in three weeks. For new teacher orientation. Then four days of learning about the new teacher evaluation system. Then four days of whatever else before school starts. Summer is almost gone. I don't feel ready. I'm finally getting over the stress and tension school caused in the spring. I'm not ready for that part of it to start over again.

Don't get me wrong: I absolutely love being a teacher. But the stress of 1) being a first year teacher, 2) having seven different preps, 3) trying to go paperless, 4) creating and implementing a new class 5) being in charge of a club--on top of financial burden, the addiction, back and feet issues, and some other things that I don't even want to get into is... um... HARD. Like really really hard. I have a thousand mixed emotions. I don't want to feel this way. I don't want to dread going back to school (the real me is so excited and can't wait to see her students again and do fun things with the club I'm in charge of and go to sporting events to support my beloved students). I don't want to be afraid of losing my few friends I do have here because of the fact that I won't be able to spend much time with them. I don't want to feel the guilt of not being able to be a good visiting teacher or not being able to give much service to my ward or not being a good member missionary. I have so many guilty feelings just beyond the darkness that I keep trying to push back. And then I'm afraid of not having enough time for anything. Time to study my scriptures and write in my journal. Time to process. Time to think. Time to meditate. Time to ponder. Time for Jack. Time to walk/play with my dog.

Sigh.

Anyway, the training triggered me yesterday. Just that simple overwhelmed feeling triggered all kinds of stuff (as you can tell from my last paragraph). I feel guilt. Darkness. Fear. And the list could go on.

Whenever I start doing really well, Satan attacks me. When I decided to marry Jack, things got really hard. There were times when I questioned it, even though I knew it was 100% right and the decision to marry him was a decision I took very seriously and made with God. When I went home to visit my family, my old young women's advisers threw me a bridal shower. My ex-boyfriend's mom came and made a scene. He was just about to come home from his mission, and she said that this shower was supposed to be happening in her house, and I was supposed to be her daughter-in-law. Thus came the darkness. That's just one example. With every big decision I have made, or with every great thing happening in my life, Satan attacks me. He tries to make me shut down. He shoves depression down my throat.

I can see that happening now. I finally have someone who can offer me support and fantastic insight, and Satan is trying to take that away. He is trying to make me shut down and withdraw. He is making me afraid. Jack and I are finally at a really amazing point in our marriage, and Satan is trying to draw me away. He is trying to get me to withdraw. He wants me to be miserable.

The Love Dare has been amazing. My scripture study lately has been amazing. My testimony has grown so much. I've learned amazing things about myself, my husband, God, and life in general. I have so, so much to be grateful for. I have friends and family who love me. And I have students who love me awaiting my return (as their real teacher and not just a sub!) in a few weeks. Life really is good. I am truly blessed. I'm blessed to have the gospel. I'm blessed to understand what I do about the Atonement. I'm blessed to have faith in my Savior. I'm blessed in so many ways.

But Satan doesn't want me to see that.

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Jack and I recently read this article together for companionship study: "A Time for Faith, Not Fear." I loved this quote:

"I have found that usually when we face our most difficult tests, the Lord is there ahead of us to prepare the way through them.

"My wife and I were a bit anxious about going to Russia when called to serve there in 2006. We had never been to Russia and did not know a lot about it. The responsibilities of the call seemed challenging, to say the least. In a meeting in his office, President Packer gave us wonderful counsel: 'Remember, the Lord will have been there before you.' He then reminded us of the Lord’s promise, 'For I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up' (D&C 84:88)."


I am continually reminding myself that He has felt what I feel. He has felt more than I could even possibly imagine. He knows exactly what to do to succor me, and I will be okay through Him. If I rely on Him, everything will be okay. Everything will be okay.


And He sends me angels to lift me up.

The Whirlwind This Week

This week has been a whirlwind. I don't even know where to begin.

I've experienced extreme highs and extreme lows.

My chat with Bishop last Sunday gave me a whole new perspective on things. I'm glad I took a slight break from the Love Dare because resuming it with this fresh attitude has been amazing for me. I feel love on a whole new level. That love has helped carry me through the week, and it really has been pretty wonderful. I've enjoyed doing little things for Jack during the day, and I have a more joyful attitude about everything in general.

I've come to some conclusions about our relationship that I hadn't realized before. Day 10 of the Love Dare is "Love is unconditional." As I read the chapter, I realized that maybe when we got married, my love for Jack was based on more "qualifications" than unconditional love.

Here is why:
I loved that he had a strong testimony of the gospel. I loved that he treated me and my body with respect. I loved that he gave service to people quite frequently, and I loved that he is a very  genuine and caring person. I loved that he was adorable when playing with his nieces and nephews. I loved how he treated his mom and sisters. I love that he took his little sister on a date. I loved his passion for basketball and running. I loved his desire to be fit and healthy. I loved how much I was attracted to him. I loved him because he was my best friend. And all that good outweighed the little things that did bother me (like the fact that he is half an inch shorter than me). I loved him, but it was kind of a little on the side of does he meet my checklist? (not entirely that kind of love, but hopefully you will get the point I'm getting at.)

During this chapter (Love is unconditional), it asks the question, "Why do you love your spouse?" Most people would list qualities or characteristics of their spouse. Then it asks, "What if over the course of years, your spouse stopped being those things? Would you still love him/her?" Based on the reasons listed, the logical answer would be no. You wouldn't still love your spouse if he/she changed if your love was solely based on those certain qualities. And I realized that is part of why it's hard to see love in my marriage: because I've realized my husband isn't all that I thought he was. Is my love for him strong enough and dedicated enough to try to make this work? Yes. Because I have unconditional love. (**NOTE: due to the situation, though, there are some things that are conditional, and that is okay. Boundaries related to the addiction, if broken, could be cause for contemplation of and possible carry-through of divorce. I definitely do not judge anyone who has gone through or is going through a divorce, especially if you've given all you can, and double-especially if addiction and abuse have been involved.)

I'm working on building a stronger unconditional love. I'm also working on cherishing my husband more. I'm working on letting stubbornness and pride go. I'm working on being more considerate and loving. I'm learning to take delight in my relationship with Jack.

My love is growing deeper. It's more pure. I can feel it, and he can feel it. My heart is being softened, and so is his. I feel so much hope and joy!

But like I said, this week has been a whirlwind of emotional highs and lows. With the excitement of my love increasing, I had extreme high points [beautiful]. But Satan is also attacking me, and that's where the lows have come.

Both Thursday and Friday, I was just plain depressed. Then I had things that triggered me, and both nights I cried myself to sleep. Gut-wrenching sobs. Hyperventilating sobs. Like the time when we broke up before we got engaged,or when I discovered the addiction. Yesterday, I was just so sad. I just kept clinging to God and relying on Him to carry me through the day. He did, and today I feel much happier. But it's crazy how swamped in darkness I felt. Jack didn't even have relapses this week. It was just things that triggered me. I've also realized that just because he isn't relapsing doesn't mean I shouldn't be feeling pain or fear. I have a lot of wounds to be healed. Maybe they will open up and bleed sometimes, and that's okay. I just need to treat them.

I still feel that darkness creeping in. I feel it ready to break into my soul at the first moment it can. I'm trying not to let it. Because "the darkness inside...can make [me] feel so small."

The song "True Colors" has helped get me through this week. It's my current favorite song. There is so much depth and meaning, and it describes perfectly so many things in my life. And it has hope.

I love The Voice. Michelle's version of this song was simply beautiful and amazing. It's her version that I listen to on repeat. And yes, it makes me tear up every time.

You with the sad eyes
Don't be discouraged
Oh, I realize
It's hard to take courage

In a world full of people
You can lose sight of it all
And the darkness inside you
Can make you feel so small

But I see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you

So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors
Your true colors 
Are beautiful like a rainbow

Show me a smile then
Don't be unhappy
Can't remember when
I last saw you laughing

If this world makes you crazy
And you've taken all you can bear
You call me up
Because you know I'll be there

And I'll see your true colors
Shining through
See your true colors
And that's why I love you

So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors
Your true colors
Are beautiful like a rainbow

If this world makes you crazy
You've taken all you can bear
You call me up
Because you know I'll be there

And I'll see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you

So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors
True colors are shining through

I see your true colors
And that's why I love you

So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors
Are beautiful

How big is your brave?

I started feeling the depression coming in again this morning.

I pleaded with Heavenly Father to take it away. Yesterday was SO GOOD. Sunday kind of sucked. Saturday was so good. I'm seeing a pattern, and I don't want this high-low every other day stuff.

So, I'm fighting myself today. I am determined to make it a great day. I won't settle for less.

Last week, I had a day that started out like this, and I literally said, "Get thee hence, Satan!" And it worked. I hope it works today :) (I laugh at myself when I say that out loud. But, hey, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do).

Have you heard Sara Bareilles's new song, Brave? When I first heard it, I was in love. Today, I was reading blogs, and found it again. it's my theme song for today. This week. However long I need it to be.

Here it is:

Honestly, I want to see me be brave.

"Everybody's been there. Everybody's been stared down by the enemy."

I'll show him how big my brave is!