Hell Week’s Gift: Understanding

Words can’t even describe the past week. I’ve been majorly depressed, but it’s been really weird because I’ve had some moments of extreme happiness too. It’s been an emotional roller coaster if I’ve ever seen one.

During this depression, I’ve hit the lowest of lows for me. I thought I struggled with depression before, but this week proved to me that things can always get worse. On the bright side, however, I’ve studied my scriptures every day before school, and I’ve definitely reaped the blessings of putting God first in my day. I’ve seen so many expressions of His love all around me, and I’m grateful that I can lean on that to know that He is still there lifting me up every day. I thought I had seen light in the darkness before, but this week also proved to me like never before that there is always light. And I’m clinging to it for dear life.

While I was at times paralyzingly depressed, I did a lot of soul-searching. I hate to admit this (can you say pride?), but after everything I’ve gone through over the past three years, I still have room for humbling and using the Atonement. I still have room for my testimony and strength to grow. I’ve been studying hope and faith this week, and I’m seeing how powerful they can be. I’m learning how  truly humble I have to be to let faith and hope work and to really turn to God and accept His will for my life.

Everything feels so hard right now. I have good days, even great days, at school, and yet it is a daily struggle to even think about going back the next day. I’m trying to focus on one day at a time, yet I can’t seem to slow down and not think about all the responsibilities that await me each and every day.  Behind it all, I’m anticipating what could be a slightly horrendous move (horrendous for reasons that I don’t want to get in to right now). And Ben is leaving in possibly a week. As funny as it may sound on this blog, he is a rock to me in a lot of ways. We complete each other. And he is so good to me when I am depressed. I’m scared to face this depression without him, but I know that it will force me to lean on God more, which will only be a good thing.

Yesterday when I got home from school, Ben told me about his relapses.

Sigh.

My instinctive, initial reaction, though, was peace. As he told me about the tough temptations, how hard they were—the hardest he has faced in a long time—along with how hard he fought, I could only think, “Man. I can relate.” As he expressed his disappointment in himself for falling hard this week, I could only think about my depression. I thought about the duties I had neglected at home all week, and how he had to pick up the slack. I thought of the relatively mean and manipulative things I had said and done because I was so depressed. I thought of the inner struggles I had, fighting the depression because I did not want to let it win, and the pain I felt when I realized depression had won and I had lost.

I felt like I understood him.

I know that I can in no way understand exactly what is going on from his perspective, just like he can’t completely understand my perspective of this issue in our marriage. But I did feel like in some ways my depression was perfectly timed so I could have that experience of understanding.

On another note, when we break it down, all of my worst moments of depression this week seem to be in direct relationship with his relapse moments. In the past, when I’ve gotten severely depressed, my instinct is to think that something is going on with him—and that is usually a valid feeling. This time I didn’t go there in my mind. I was caught completely off-guard with his confession. On one hand, that is good because I was so full of trust (which is major progress) that I didn’t think my depression had anything to do with his addiction. On the other hand, it scares me that it could be hidden so easily. All week, he was so loving and supportive of me while he was dying a little bit inside, and I had NO CLUE.

Progress is being made, though. He told me about the relapsing when he felt it was most appropriate (although, to be fair, if he had told me right away rather than letting it build up, it probably wouldn’t have escalated to where it did). And even though I’m not 100% sure I agree with his timing, He told me, rather than me questioning and pestering him. That is good.

We almost separated about a month ago. It’s been a little rough, but I’m still seeing progress being made. I’m so happy for him.