Sunday, January 19, 2014

Betrayal Trauma Is Real

Sometimes I look at my life--my reactions to things, my thought processes, my ideas and ideals, my desires and motivations, my depression and lack of motivation--and I'm a little surprised at myself. I'm in such a different place than I expected I would be at this point.

I've been betrayed by my best friend, the man to whom I promised my life and gave all my trust. I've suffered in ways that I never imagined would occur to me. I thought I had it all figured out. I thought I had planned and acted in ways that would protect me from stuff like this. I know it could be worse, and I'm grateful that it's not worse right now. And I pray that it won't get worse.

But still, I was betrayed. By the guy who I never would have least expected this kind of betrayal. By the guy who I thought I was safest with.

People who don't know about our situation ask me, "What are you going to do when he moves to Texas? It's going to be so hard." You have NO IDEA. My answer probably confuses them: "I'm a little excited about it. I think it will be good for us to have some space and find ourselves a little bit again." That's being optimistic, and it's as honest as I feel like I can be.

People who do know about our situation ask me, "Aren't you scared/nervous for him to move to Texas without you?" Yes I am. I am actually terrified.

Because betrayal trauma is real.

I think his longest period of sobriety of late has been something like 36 days. And that amount of time isn't very common. And it's definitely shorter than the 4 months we will be living apart...

Granted, he is doing well right now, and I'm trying to focus on that and live in the present. He is trying, and I'm seeing real changes in him. I'm so happy for him and the changes he is making. He is happy about it too, and I think that is honestly what makes me the happiest.

But I've been betrayed. The betrayal trauma tells me that this won't last. The betrayal trauma shudders when he kisses or holds me. The betrayal trauma draws back when my heart starts opening up to him again. The trauma has had such an impact on me that my body and mind are trying to protect me. The more open and vulnerable we are, the more there is this part of me that shrieks, "Be careful, KILEE!"

I'm trying to push through it. I'm trying to exercise my agency to choose to have a good day every day. I give myself pep talks. They don't always work, but I desperately try to find things that will work. I'm trying to kick Satan to the curb--with all his baggage.

But it's so hard.

I'm trying to accept myself the way I am

I'm trying to accept Ben as he is.

I'm trying to develop positive coping methods with my stressors and depression.

I'm trying to be joyful and optimistic.

I'm trying to keep the Spirit of Christ in my heart.

I'm trying to take advantage of every opportunity to serve others around me.

I'm trying to smile more.

But it's so hard. Because I've been betrayed. And betrayal trauma is real. It has an impact on all aspects of my life. It's basically hard to function on a daily basis.

I'm learning so much, and I'm trying to let my learning help me find what is truly important. I'm trying to see the light every day rather than dwell in the dark places that are so easy to slip into.

But it's so hard.

No comments:

Post a Comment