"Why is porn bad?" Part III: My Answer

Read Part I here.

Read Part II here.

I hate pornography. I hate anything that has to do with sex being misused.

Did any of you read Matt Walsh's post about pornography? Did you read the comments? Reading the comments proved to me, not that I had any doubt, that pornography and sex-addiction are running rampant in society.

Deep breath.

So many people think pornography and masturbation are okay. So many people think it's normal and justifiable to act in these things. It's not.

Let's start with the easy part: pornography in relationships.

When you get married, you make promises. Those promises include being faithful to your spouse. You cannot be truly faithful if you are lusting after other people, whether it's through: a) seeking out pornographic images to lust after, b) viewing pornographic videos [and with that, you're not just watching--you are lusting right along with the videos], c) masturbating [which includes the sexual fantasies], or d) any other lustful actions. I repeat, you cannot be truly faithful if you are lusting after other people. If you lust after anyone else, in any shape or form, you are not being truly faithful in your mind and heart.

That lust, no matter how it is acted upon, will cause a deep harm in the relationship. There will be a breakdown of trust: both in the marriage and in oneself. It's hard enough to not trust the person you think you should trust the most, but it makes it even harder when the situation causes a lack of trust in your own judgment (for me, that happened because of my questioning of my judgment in marrying Ben).

Along with the breakdown in trust will come a loss of love, high stress and anxiety (possibly causing emotional disorders), and a serious lack of peace and harmony in the relationship.

Pornography rips relationships apart.

Sometimes, couples view pornography to help their sexual relationship. It's really not helpful. Even if it's being viewed together, there will often be a breakdown in trust. One of the people in that relationship will wonder if they are being compared to what was viewed in the porn. They will even compare themselves to the porn. They will lose confidence in their own bodies and their abilities to have a satisfying sexual relationship. Tension will form during sexual relations, and soon enough, it will be less harmonious and satisfying.

Many times, those worries or cares go unsaid. Those worries are not voiced because the person feels embarrassed or rationalizes it out of their head. But they are there, and they eat away at the victim of the worries.

You may be thinking, "Well, I'm not married. So this doesn't apply to me." Oh, but it does. If you ever want to be in a committed relationship, pornography needs to be out of the question. It doesn't even matter if you want the relationship to be long-term. There are unspoken rules of relationships, and one of those is faithfulness. If you ever want to experience real love in a trusting, committed relationship, pornography has to be out of the question. You might not think you're addicted, and you might think you can stop whenever you want. Okay, try to stop. I'll bet you won't be able to. Because of the chemical happenings in the brain while viewing pornography (read this for specific information of the brain chemistry), it is something people become addicted to. When the time comes that you need to stop (for the sake of your other half) you will have a long, grueling journey full of ups and downs ahead of you. For both of you. And it will suck.

It's possible that you're thinking, "I'm not planning on ever being in a committed relationship. This doesn't apply to me." Don't close down yet. This still applies to you.

Pornography desensitizes people to human interaction. Over time, relationships will be diminished. I'm not talking about sexual relationships. I'm talking about relationships with friends, co-workers, and family. I'm talking about any kind of relationship you might be engaged in. Pornography-land is a fantasy-land, and maybe on the outside, it seems like a great place to be. Like the lands of other addictions, pornography-land produces a euphoria, and it's desirable. The problem is, you become dependent on it because of all the chemicals, or body-produced drugs, that engage the brain. Over time, the brain and body will desire more. And more. And more. Jobs become useless. Friends have no meaning. Family doesn't measure up to what you gain with pornography. Thus, relationships are lost. And then you feel lonely and maybe worthless...so you turn to your best friend who is there for you through anything--porn.

Not only does pornography harm relationships and individuals, it harms society.

Pornography teaches that people are objects.

It perpetuates the acceptance of sex myths in society--rape myths. Pornography teaches that sex is what it's all about. It doesn't matter if someone says no--keep pushing them. It doesn't matter if someone says no--they really mean yes. It teaches that if people dress certain ways, they want sex. It teaches that everyone wants rough sex, and it further instigates abuse--emotional, physical, and sexual. Porn glorifies rape and objectification.

Me just telling you this may not convince you. But maybe a couple of examples will help seal the case with this part.

Example 1: The Steubenville Rape Case. Last year, a high school girl was repeatedly sexually assaulted by her peers. She was too drunk to do anything about it. Other peers videotaped and photographed what was going on throughout the night at various parties she attended/was dragged to. These documentations were passed around via social media.

Example 2: Massachusetts teacher sexually assaulted and murdered by a 14-year old student. As far as I know, they don't know his motive, but have the suspicion that he may have been infatuated with this teacher.

I would argue that this type of behavior is a direct correlation and result of society's open arms to sex, and specifically, pornography. I know males are more sexually-minded than females, but I honestly can't imagine how such horrific things could happen were it not for how accepted and prominent the use of sex and pornography are in society, especially with the prevalence of hard-core pornography.

Pornography is the world's sex-ed, and it's wrong. Children these days are learning at far too young of an age what sex is--through pornography. Pornography doesn't teach about safe sex. Pornography doesn't teach about the emotional bonds that are established through sex. Pornography doesn't teach the consequences of sex. It teaches that sex is, and it is highly desirable. It teaches that you should become an object to be desired for sex, and it teaches that you should desire others for sex.

Not everything is about sex. There is so much more to life than sex. Sure, sex can be pleasant and enjoyable, but it is even more so if used properly. Sex is a way to express love and appreciation for your spouse. It is a way of creation. It is a building block of families.

When used improperly, sex destroys families. As families are destroyed, society is broken down.

Improper sex cannot produce true happiness. It may produce a euphoria or type of high, but when used improperly, sex will be harmful and ultimately break down that happiness that people are searching for.

True happiness comes from relationships of love. It comes from dependence on our Father and Jesus Christ. It is hard to maintain a relationship with Heavenly Father or Jesus Christ when you are acting in ways that push the Spirit away. Living a life of casual sex, pornography, and masturbation harm your spirit. It harms your ability to be close to Their Spirit. It will become a wall separating you from Them, and you will never find happiness without Them.

"Why is porn bad?" Part II: Addiction

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Read Part I here.

Because sex is so accepted in our society, the addiction part is pushed away or forgotten. Many people don't care to realize it's an addiction, or they don't treat it as a "normal" addiction. The abuse and deceit is behind closed doors, and when you are in public, it's all a big happy face. It's a show, usually by both the addict and the spouse. Sex-addiction is not talked about, so we pretend it's not happening. People have told us "They are just pictures", "Masturbation is normal", "You're concerned about that? That's normal. Grow up", or "You're the one with problems, not him." So many people don't understand or have become so immune to the normality of sex that it just doesn't matter to them. My friend Shay wrote a great post about sex-addiction in comparison to alcoholism. Check it out.

The majority of society seems immune to the reality that pornography and masturbation are dangerous. Because it's so socially acceptable, people don't realize that it is an addiction, and a dangerous one at that.

How? How is pornography dangerous? It's just images. It's just videos. It's normal. It's not real cheating or real relationships. How can it be harmful?

How can masturbation be harmful? That is even less than pornography...

First, let's talk about addiction in general. Addiction includes a disability to control substance use or behavior and a preoccupation with substances or behavior. An addict is dependent on the substance or behaviors they are engaging in. The addict may experience consequences and will still continue use of their substance or behaviors. The addict may be in denial of his or her addiction.

When a person becomes addicted to something, that person becomes a dependent. That person will become so dependent on the substance or behaviors that they fail to meet obligations to real life. Family life will become shot. Job responsibilities? Gone out the door. Friendly relationships will be diminished. These consequences won't happen right away. At first, the addict might not even realize or know these things will happen to them. The addict might not know their reality is going to fall apart. But, the addict just might not care because the most important thing, the thing he/she needs is whatever addictive substance or behavior he/she is engaging in.

Addiction is not light. Because the body becomes dependent on the substance or behavior, there comes a time when the tolerance level is not enough. The body is too used to that level and craves more. Pretty soon the body requires more to achieve the desired effect.

I recently had a conversation with one of my teenage sisters about addiction. Many kids at her high school smoke weed. Right now, they don't seem to be suffering consequences, and she was questioning the morality of smoking weed. "All that happens is they experience euphoria," is what she said, followed with, "So why is it wrong?"

When people first engage in addictive behaviors, they may not experience consequences. They may see it as an escape from the problems life has dished them, or they may see it simply as a way to experience euphoria. During this first stage of developing the addiction, they may not (they probably will not) realize the damage that can come--because the real damage and consequences aren't immediate. That's basically what happened with my husband. The fantasyland in which he lived was an escape from his reality. Pornography and masturbation provided him with a safe place to land when times got tough. There were no immediate consequences. He just liked how it made him feel. Eventually, though, the tolerance level increases as the body craves more. Eventually, there can be very serious consequences.

It's easy to see the consequences in drugs like alcohol, marijuana, meth, or heroin. Those drugs cause all kinds of problems. For example, a person could experience a simple lack of concentration, but that lack of concentration could eventually lead to job loss. These drugs could cause a person to become physically violent. They could cause memory loss, and a person might not remember what their actions were while under the influence of those drugs. And as a person developed a higher tolerance and dependence on the drug, violent acts and crimes could be committed to access the drug. Families are torn apart. Friendships are lost. These are the easy effects to see.

With sex-addiction, it's not as easy to see the consequences. The consequences that happen are either very private and not talked about, or they are ignored because "sex" is our society's way of life.

Sex-addiction and sexual behaviors are harmful and dangerous. Sex is something you can become addicted to, and the consequences are very damaging to individuals, families, and society.



Read Part III here.

"Why is porn bad?" Part I: The Question

I was recently asked by a close friend something like, "Why is pornography bad?" I wasn't asked this in criticism for the choices I have made with my husband or of my desire to fight pornography and sex-addiction. I was asked this because so many people really have no clue. The person who asked me this was picking my brain because he would not know how to explain to someone why pornography is bad if they didn't believe in God, had no morals, or just fell into society's trap of acceptance. It's something he has thought about a lot because he also wants to find a way to fight it (and E./N. if you're reading this and I just butchered this first part, sorry. I'm trying to remember this conversation as best as I can).

This brought on an hour-long conversation. When my husband arrived (we were eating dinner at this couple's house), I said, "Jump right in, we are talking about pornography." I love that these friends provide a safe refuge for issues like this to be talked about.

The issue of pornography and sex-addiction is tricky.

There are people who believe in God and see nothing wrong with pornography, masturbation, or being sex-minded. Some people who have an overall high moral fiber may think pornography or masturbation is okay. And then, people who don't believe in God may think sex in any form is okay.

There are also the very religiously-strong who believe and know that pornography is wrong and the misuse of sex is wrong. Even some people who don't believe in God may feel that pornography is wrong (I don't actually know anyone who doesn't believe in God, but I have hopes that there are people out here who don't believe in God and feels something wrong with it. That may be too high of a hope, though. Not sure).

Maybe it's just me, but I'm finding the group of people who find sex-addiction, in any form, to be wrong is small and getting smaller. Society is becoming more accepting of it. Not only are we more accepting of it in men, and women just have to deal with men's desires, but women are being tempted to sex-addiction even more. And it seems that everyone is okay with it. I know not everyone is, and there are people wallowing in the depths of addiction who are not okay with how accepted it is in society. I'm stereotyping society as a whole because it seems to me that in general, the misuse of sex is becoming more and more accepted. Except it's not even considered the misuse of sex. It's just sex. Using sex is becoming more acceptable. Sex seems to be our way of life.

Exhibit A: I teach high school. I hear and see things that show me sex is just accepted. Some students have talked to me about rumors going around about them and how hurt they are by the fact that people think they are sleeping around, but they are the minority. Granted, I could be completely wrong because I realize not everyone comes and talks to me about that stuff. But from conversations I overhear, I truly think it is the minority that keep themselves clean. And that is just from casual sex. I have no idea about those particular students' views on pornography or masturbation. Any reference I have heard, from both girls and boys, about pornography or masturbation has told me it's just what they do. It just is, and they seem to kind of welcome it in.

Exhibit B: I dated a guy in high school who was shocked that I had never viewed pornography, nor did I have the desire to. I also had guy-friends who slept around. I knew of people in my high school who filmed themselves and showed those videos to other students at school. And it was all for a good laugh or pleasure. It was weird to them that I wouldn't involve myself in that type of activity. And for some, it became a game to "corrupt me".

Exhibit C: I met someone at the Togetherness Project whose marriage counselor, who also counselled her husband individually, convinced her husband that the only reason his actions were wrong was [hold on to your hats here] because he was married. If he was not married, he could do whatever it wanted because that is how the single life is. So, he filed for divorce, and is living a life full of sex. It may not be an addiction to him, though, because that is just what guys do. Ever heard that one before?

Exhibit D: My husband's counselor told him that whenever he had the temptation to look at pornography or masturbation, to have sex with me. That would make me his own personal porn puppet, and the intimacy and meaning of our sexual relationship would be gone. My husband had the dignity to not even bring that up until I was talking to him about people I knew who had been scarred by things said/advice given by people they thought they could trust. Thanks, Ben, for knowing that would not be okay. The counselor, on the other hand, thought that was good advice. And that advice is probably "normal". He also told Ben that masturbation is okay and normal except for the fact that we are married, and our marriage is what made those fantasies and actions wrong.

These are just four examples. There are so many more I could give! Our society is changing. Some people think we are becoming more accepting and tolerant, and that is a good thing. It's not. Certain morals are changing or becoming the minority. People are losing the ability to feel the Spirit of God in their lives. It honestly scares me to think about where our society is headed.



So, with society being so accepting of sex in general, how do we explain that pornography, masturbation, or other misuses of sex are wrong?

Feel free to comment with your ideas of how to answer this question!

Read Part II here.