Last night while I was studying my scriptures, I came across this verse:
3 Nephi 12:22But I say unto you, that whosoever is angry with his brother shall be in danger of his judgment. And whosoever shall say to his brother, Raca, shall be in danger of the council, and whosoever shall say, Thou fool, shall be in danger of hell fire.
This really hit me. Jesus is in the Americas teaching the Nephites. I've read a verse recently that talked about contention being of the devil. And now there is this verse talking about anger and calling people a fool.
The reason it hit me so hard is because I have been incredibly angry lately. Along with my anger, I call Ben names in my head. A lot. Calling him a "fool" would be a nicer way of saying what I say in my head quite often.
A lot of the time, I feel justified in my anger. sometimes I actually choose to remain angry because I'm not ready to move on, or I want to prove a point to Ben, or I want make him suffer or something. But sometimes the simple fact that I'm hurt and upset translates into anger because it's a pretty easy emotion to feel and portray.
This was a good reminder from the scriptures that anger is not of God. Anger is a masking emotion. It's also very addictive. When I feel angry, I need to process through it rather than let it sit and fester for days. I need to ask myself what the real, underlying emotions I'm feeling are. And then I need to process those emotions. I think it's okay to feel righteous anger, and, especially with the things I'm dealing with, it would be silly to tell myself I'm not allowed to feel any anger whatsoever. Anger is natural. But I have to work through it, and that's where the problem is. I'm getting to comfortable sitting in my anger and doing nothing about it, and I think the biggest reason I do that is because I want my anger to call out and make Ben miserable right along with me (Satan, anyone? Ha. Ha. Ha...). I know from experience anger is addictive, and I know the place my brain and heart can travel when I'm living in anger.
So I need to work on processing my anger in healthy ways.
Right now I'm trying to learn how to be happy and joyful on a regular basis. I'm working on feeling joy as my default in life, whereas right now anger tends to be my default.
I'm trying to learn how to be free of the damage the addiction has wrought on me. I'm focusing on healing. And I can't heal when I'm fastened to the tether of anger. I have to work through the actual emotions I'm feeling and let go of the anger--give it to God.
The healing I desire can't take place when I'm fastened to the anger (or when I'm constantly bashing Ben in my head--"Thou fool"... or worse).
Two days ago, I was doing my Jillian Michaels workout and had all these positive thoughts about my life. I was feeling a little sore and achy, so I was trying to listen to my body and not push too much. At the end of the workout, she says something like "It's not about the crunch, it's about being strong physically so you can be strong in every aspect of your life." That rings so true to me. When I can't/don't exercise, or when my body doesn't feel physically capable of life's challenges, it seems that all the emotional challenges are that much more tough (and this element of my life will make more sense a couple of paragraphs down).
As I stretched, I thought about her statement, along with some metaphors relating to knowing how to push my body without pushing past its abilities, and I thought, "I want to write a blog post about this. There is so much depth here to write about and the parallels with dealing with the addiction trauma."
But alas, somewhere during that workout, I injured my back and in a fit of rage, I thought, "Screw this. Screw everything. Apparently nothing I think or do is right or good because God keeps letting this crap happen to me."
A week ago, I was pretty deep in some depression related to the addiction trauma. I finally, FINALLY worked through it on Monday and the week went way up. One of my friends said something to me about not remaining a victim and finding a way to be happy despite the addiction rearing its head in my home. I took that to heart and thought, "You know what? I have been in victim mode." I think I sometimes like being in victim mode because I want to bring my husband down. I want him to realize what he is doing to our family, so I pout and remain a victim, hoping his eyes will be open to see what is happening. But there is a time and place for hurting and working through the pain, and then there is a time for it to be done and for me to stand up and keep pushing onward.
Once I realized I had it in me to step out of victim mode and re-engage in my "real" life, everything seemed so good (except my relationship with Ben--that was still suffering, but that's okay). A lot of things started clicking and I felt really happy. I was listening to my body and mind and doing what felt right every second.
Then this back thing happened.
Thursday night, I really struggled. I mean, I couldn't walk very well at all, and I couldn't even hold my baby. I had some moments where I felt completely abandoned by God because I've been trying to do everything right, and He let this happen to me. I struggled for a lot of reasons that I'm not going to get into because it would make this post a lot longer than it needs to be. The main thing I struggled with, though, was feeling so incredibly dependent on Ben AND not being able to care for my baby. Because we were trying to avoid an ER bill, I took some strong medicine that made it so I couldn't breastfeed (not that I could hold my baby anyway...but still...I couldn't try even if I wanted to), and the poor child had a rough 24 hours. I was also worried about Ben being able to care for the little guy without me because of some past impatience he has demonstrated that has left a lot of unresolved feelings in me.
I've had a lot of time to think and pray over the past 48 hours. And here is what I have learned:
Sometimes things just happen that are completely out of our control. When things like that happen, we have two choices. We can either mourn it and live in the past (what could have been done so this didn't happen to me?), or we can accept it and move on to the best of our abilities. I think it's healthy to have a little bit of both in there. I think it's normal to go through a period of anger or mourning when a major trial hits. But there is a point where you have to be able to accept it and move on if you want to remain emotionally healthy and not let the trial totally drown you. I've spent a lot of time in the anger and mourning period when it comes to this trial of addiction in my marriage. A LOT of time. But I can't change it. No amount of pleading with or anger at God changes it. I have to just grasp what is in my control and move forward.
I have a lot of theories about how/why this back injury happened. I also had a lot of anger about it happening. But none of that matters. What matters is what I see now.
I'm grateful for a husband who has majorly stepped up his game and not emotionally abused me to make me feel like this is somehow my fault or that I am a financial burden to this family (this is the second time I've gone to the ER this year...and because of various health issues I have, I've gone to the ER on average about once a year since we have been married. So...yeah.). I'm also grateful that he understands and has empathy for my frustrations regarding this injury and all that comes with it.
I feel like I've had a good perspective on this whole thing. It sucks, but I can't do anything about it. All I can do is the little things that can help me recover. Walk when I feel up to it. Rest when I feel like my body has had all it can handle. Practice doing things on my own (sometimes Ben still has to help support me as I sit down or stand back up). Study my scriptures (every day this week I have read the EXACT verses I needed, as if God is speaking straight to ME from the Book of Mormon). Pray. Call on the Atonement.
For as hard as I've worked to maintain a balance between being married and keeping distance over the past few months, I've had to let go of all of that and depend on Ben for so many things. And as much as this trial sucks, it's been really good for our marriage.
Every once in a while, I still get a twinge of anger. But I'm letting myself feel it and let it pass through me. It's okay to be angry, but it's not okay (for me right now) to let it fester and become ugly. The best thing for me is to allow myself to feel, accept the situation, recognize the good, and keep moving forward. And really, I'm making efforts to use the Atonement every day. Sometimes every moment. It helps keep the crazy in check. I love the Atonement. But that's another post for another day.
But don't get me wrong. Sometimes A lot of times, this is how I really feel...
I've been struggling lately. Like really struggling. The kind of struggling where you tell your husband that you don't really like him and struggle to love him. I've been here before. We have rebuilt before. I have held on to hope for so long, but lately it's just seemed so much harder. It's been hard to have hope. Hard to hold on. Hard to lean on the Savior. Hard to trust in anyone. Hard to give. Hard to love. Hard. Just hard. I'm exhausted. Emotional. Afraid.
I've become kind of hardened. There was a time when I placed full faith in my Savior, in the Atonement, in living the gospel and giving my all to life. During that time, everything that was hard was balanced out by my Savior. But over the past couple of years, things have been so rocky and it's been hard to hold on. Living with an active addict wears you down.
It's really easy to just not study my scriptures, not have a companionship study, and not give service or fulfill my callings. I'm struggling and no one sees it. I've been buried alive and it's just easy to say, "Ok. I give up. These things aren't changing things anyway. My husband still acts out. He still hides things. I still hurt, so why keep trying?" It's easy to give up an withdraw into myself.
I've spent the better part of the past year and a half depressed. I mean, I try to some extent. I haven't given up completely, but my trying has at times been very mediocre. Because I'm hurting and the "spiritual" things I've been doing haven't seemed to make changes anyway so why do all I could do when I feel like I'm barely floating? I've tried to rely on myself. At times, I've kind of taken God almost completely out of the picture.
I know this is kind of rambly, but what I'm trying to say is right now I'm reflecting back on the four very long years that I've known about this addiction. I can see the times when the Savior has lifted me up. And I can see the times when, in my anger and stubbornness, I've withdrawn from Him and counted only on myself. Guess which time brought me more peace and strength?
I'm trying to rebuild. Right now my relationship with my husband is kind of like two friends sharing an apartment and taking care of a baby together. And watching lots of Netflix. It's not really a terrible gig. But it's not a marriage, and it doesn't feel right.
As I have evaluated things, I've come to some conclusions and set goals for myself. The main thing I'm focusing on right now is bringing the Spirit into my home every day. For the first time in our marriage, we have studied the scriptures together every day for three weeks. We haven't missed a day in three weeks. And I get excited to do companionship study. That hasn't happened since we were dating or very newlyweds. I've also rededicated myself to studying the gospel on my own every day. I miss the occasional day, but rarely. Last week, I committed myself to studying during Baby's first nap of the day, and since I have started doing that, it's been really great. I've also committed myself to following promptings. I'm sure I miss some, but as I have started making an effort to recognize and follow my promptings, I'm discovering more and more promptings from the Spirit.
I've been really struggling lately. But through all my struggles, I've learned an important thing. No matter what, I can't do this without the Savior. I need Him. And even when I've left Him behind a bit and stubbornly tried to do this on my own, He has always been right here lifting me up and waiting on me to come back to Him.
I don't know when Ben will get into "real" recovery. I don't know when we will ever have a solid period of sobriety and recovery and be able to feel what life feels like without the addiction raging its massive head on us. I don't know if he will ever recover, and that scares me. I have so much fear of the future.
BUT
I do know that there is hope. There is. And I know that God is giving me little promptings every day to show me that hope. For example, today as I partook of the sacrament, He showed me a little bit of His love for Ben. He showed me that He has forgiven Him and that I will eventually be able to as well.
There is hope.
I said I've become hardened. I have. I feel jaded by the addiction, and it's been hard to feel any hope lately. But I know I've been distancing myself from God. So I'm working on becoming softer and more moldable. I'm bringing the Spirit into my life and heart, and I'm trying to follow what God wants me to do and allow Him to change me.
That's really all I can do right now. I can't control the addiction. But I can draw closer to the Savior and hold on to the peace and hope He can bring me.
Read the first two posts of this particular part of my story: Dating Ben and The irony.
I've had our story on my mind so much lately. I'm hurting. I'm hurting for what has been lost because of the addiction. I'm mourning the life I had, or thought I had, and desired. My life will never be the same.
I got a big disclosure back in February. It's taken many steps to gain trust back. Ben entered "real recovery" and was doing so well. We even decided it was time to start trying to have a baby again (Personal decision. Don't ask. Don't judge.).
Last week he masturbated.
Part of me is like, "it's just masturbation." Seriously, how desensitized can I get? And how desperate to believe that my life isn't falling apart?
Here is what I think about "just masturbation": Go to hell, stupid thought.
Okay, here is what I really think about masturbation. I think I deserve better than someone who "self-pleases". I also deserve better than someone who will fantasize about having sex with another woman. I recognize that this is an addiction, and these behaviors aren't necessarily about sex (though I think they are sometimes), but about an improper way of dealing with life. For a while I rationalized masturbation with him because I didn't understand it (and I'm sure I still don't). And he always said that I couldn't expect him to be perfect because he was addicted. Well guess what? I can expect full fidelity from him. AND, if things are triggering him, I can expect him to talk to me about it. Especially when I ask how things are going. And if he has fought the fight with all his might and still acts out, then maybe I would be less mad at his actions because I know his heart was in the right place and he was trying. But last week, I asked him how he was doing. I was out of town and knew it was hard on him. He kept telling me he was fine. He did not once let me in to even have a clue that bad things were happening in his mind and his fences were being torn down.
So I'm mad. I'm mad at much more than just the masturbation.
I'm mad at infidelity.
I'm mad at lies.
With his relapse has come a lot of dark thoughts. Among them is the only-too-familiar "I've thought about leaving you and living in my addiction." That, above all else, makes me the most angry. He can't freaking leave me. If anyone leaves, it's me. I'm the one who gets to leave. He doesn't deserve to leave me. He is lucky he still has me. We are fighting to overcome this addiction and the ruin it's caused our marriage. I've given so much. I've sacrificed so much. And now, after already having worked through this before, I'm living (again) with this fear that I won't be enough. That his love for me won't be enough. That he will choose porn and sex over me.
So I'm mad. I'm angry. I'm furious and fuming.
I'm mad that my life will never be the same.
I have hope that one day it will be great, but right now it sucks sometimes.
And that's okay. Because I'm learning and growing.
I realized this week, that in all my anger lately, I have been stepping away from the Atonement. I'm just tired of trying. It's such an effort sometimes. And sometimes all I can do is get by. Those times have their place in life, I think. But right now, I need to start reaching out to Christ more. Even if all I do is try to survive, I know I need to reach out to Him to help me survive. It's only through Him that I will get through this. I know that, but sometimes I forget because I feel worthless and broken.
I was reminded to have compassion (I'll say for myself, for the addict, and for those around me. I need to start being more aware and reaching out in compassion to others who need service.).
I was reminded that I am in the pursuit of godliness. My trials will either bring me closer or farther away. I have a choice right now, and I'm going to choose closer to God.
I was reminded that my faith in Christ will lift me up.
I need to seek the spirit and choose not to harden my heart against God.
I was reminded that I'm not alone in my depression (hey, guys, I suffer from DEPRESSION). And the things I'm feeling as a result of my depression are REAL.
I was reminded that "if things continue to be debilitating" I need to "seek the advice of reputable people with certified training." (which I will discuss with my bishop relatively soon)
I need to be patient. And mindful of and grateful for small victories. "...if the bitter cup does not pass, drink it and be strong, trusting in happier days ahead." I am more than my limitations and afflictions.
I also read this verse--Alma 14:24: "How long shall we suffer these great afflictions, O Lord? O Lord, give us strength according to our faith which is in Christ, even unto deliverance. And they broke the cords with which they were bound."
As I read that verse, I was reminded of the cords that bind us in our marriages as we fight this addiction. Sometimes we feel stuck and bound. I know Christ gives us strength to break those cords. It may be in setting and enforcing boundaries to keep us safe. It may be in walking away from a destructive marriage. It may be in breaking the cords that make us feel like Satan is controlling us and dragging us to hell. Whatever it may be for our individual situations, I know God can and will give us strength because we are precious to Him.
So, while I sometimes hate what life has given me, and I hate this addiction, and while I sometimes feel that life is super ironic and I'm no longer lucky like I thought I was when we got married, I am grateful for the blessings I have. Every day I find little things that remind me God is watching out for me. Yesterday it was a fun day at Six-Flags, with little emotional pain or trauma to bother me. Today, it was what I learned as I studied that talk and that chapter in Alma. Hopefully there will be more little blessings. It's only 11:30. I still have much of the day ahead of me.
You are beautiful. You are wonderful. You are so deeply loved by a Father in Heaven and and elder Brother. Your understanding of their love for you is so much smaller than the actual amount. Know that. Hold that. Be still. Feel their nearness. Let their love fill your heart, and please don't give up.
They see you. They know you. They feel your pain. They want it to end just as much as you do, but this is a result of another person's agency, and it must work its course.
They are supporting you. Look around. See the beauty they have given you. Recognize it for what it's worth. Know you are being carried at this very moment. You are being carried every moment of every day this week. And you will continue to be carried until they know it is safe to let you walk on your own feet again.
Ben has hurt you. He has hurt you for more than three years. As a result, you have not only endured horrific pain, you have learned and grown. You have learned a lot at your young age, and the things you are learning will give you strength and a stronger capacity to love and serve others in the future. You have a divine purpose. Don't forget that.
Ben has crossed a line that has never been crossed before. It's only natural to feel anger. Anger is part of the healing process. Break the anger down. Anger is a mask for other emotions. Don't let those emotions sit and fester as anger. Figure out what is really going on, and allow yourself to feel the true emotions lying beneath. Don't get me wrong, you can be angry. Release your angry energy and tension so it doesn't fester and become something much worse. But deal with the other emotions as well, or they, too, will fester and boil.
Remember the promises God has made with you. Remember the instruction and guidance He gave you in the priesthood blessing you received just Sunday from your father on earth who loves you very much. Remember that Ben loves you and your relationship can be repaired. Now is not the time to give up on him. Hold on for a little bit longer.
Things are hard right now. I know you want to burst into tears at every waking moment. I know you would be happy to have an accident fall upon you so you don't have to face reality. I know you want to quit your job. I know you're exhausted and depressed. I know you feel completely broken, and the glue doesn't seem to be all the way dry before you get dropped off the roof again. But I also know that you are strong. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for. Be gentle. It's okay to cry. It's okay to ask for help. It's okay to take the time you need to yourself to heal. Do what you need to do. Slow down when you feel like you're going faster than you have the strength.
Breathe. Feel the air fill your lungs and blood course through your veins.
Laugh. Laugh at the silly things your students do. Laugh at the sweet things your sisters do. Laugh when people make ignorant remarks.
Love. Find opportunities to serve. Show those you love that you love them. Look beyond yourself and love others, and as you love others, you will feel God's love for you even stronger.
I've been feeling down lately. I'm supposed to be working on step 10, but let's be honest here, I barely have time to read my scriptures and pray. My strength feels like it's waning. I am working on step 10, in my own way. Every day, I try to hold myself accountable to the things I've learned and know I should be doing. I try to check myself for anger and impatience and all the little things that result. The problem is I don't like what I'm seeing in myself every day.
Things have just been hard. My life isn't bad, by any means, but Satan would like me to think that. With the move, stresses and responsibilities at school, and a few other factors, my life is hectic. It's becoming a little too much to bear. Slowly, I've started spending less and less time studying my scriptures and pondering the words of prophets--thinking God will understand. After all, everything I do is because I'm trying to do His will. I am a servant in many aspects of my life. However, I'm not fully taking care of me and my physical and spiritual needs, which is clearly having a negative impact.
The less I have studied my scriptures, the more angry I have become. The past few weeks my scripture reading has been daily, but very minimal. During the summer, I joyfully studied approximately an hour every day, wrote in my blog, and did other things for my healing. Now, I study five to ten minutes a day if I'm lucky. Sometimes it's joyful, and sometimes it's totally forced. Sometimes it's a very quick verse, a short pick-me-up that is needed, but I'm finding that's not enough.
With all the crazy happening in my life, I've been angry and irritable. Impatient and unkind. It's not me. I know it's not me. It's not who I'm meant to be. Then I get depressed, and there is a downward spiral.
Last night, I almost didn't read my five minutes of scriptures because I felt unworthy. I felt so crazy, so bombarded with life, and so angry, that I felt UNWORTHY to open up my scriptures and turn to God for help. I felt unworthy to pray. I felt like a failure because I haven't been able to control my anger and impatience lately. I think I cried myself to sleep.
I. Am. Not. A. Failure. I'm just not. I'm not unworthy to turn to God. Why? Because I'm His daughter, a princess preparing to become a queen. Because He loves me. And, guess what? I don't have to control my anger and impatience. I do have some control, but I also know when Satan is pressuring me so much that things are beyond my control. This is one of those times.
I can turn this over to God. I have no need to be ashamed for the things I have said and done this week anymore. I simply need to repent and move on. I need to forgive my husband and try to trust again. I need to enforce my boundaries in a loving, caring way--not in a scared, angry, out of control way.
I want to be ready to do this. I kind of don't know if I can, but I want to be me again. So many pieces of me are missing--lost under the dark abyss of anger and impatience. I'm going to find those pieces of me. I'm going to live and be beautiful.
It feels like it's been 1,000 years since I've been on this thing. I just [kind of, almost] caught up on many others' posts I've been wanting to read but not found the time until right now. I've had a lot of things I've been wanting to write about too, but I've been so busy all week. Except for today. Today, I've just been approaching Depression.
I don't even know what I'm about to write. I just knew I needed to write. And write. And write until I feel better. I'm writing for my sanity--for therapy.
I woke up angry. I don't wake up angry that often, but I did today. The main reason is because I got some awful bug bites last week. The only anti-itch stuff I could find was some junk my mom gave me, and I had an allergic reaction to it. Thus, my itching was extreme with a crazy rash all over and around my bug bites. It's not going away. It's just itching like crazy and I want to chop my legs off. I've prayed and prayed, and still no relief. Actually, I guess I did find some anti-itch stuff in our toiletries box out in the garage on a sudden inspiration, but that was like two days after my initial prayer for itch-relief (it only works for about ten minutes, but I'll take that ten minutes of itch-relief). So, I guess that is a small testament to the fact that God hears but answers prayers in His timing. Anyway, I was angry this morning because I barely slept due to the continuous itching that kept waking me up. I couldn't sleep under the blankets because the heat made it itch worse, but then I would get really cold and wake up freezing.If I rolled over in my sleep, I woke up because of the irritation of the bed against my skin.
So I woke up angry [tired]. And late. We had no running water [that's a lie. it trickled out just barely. I didn't shower, though, because I was already late, and I was not about to spend 45 minutes in the shower]. There was a crazy storm last night that caused some major damage and flooding. There was a lot of backed up traffic and accidents on the way to the Professional Development I was going to be late for. I drove on some scary roads. Then I got there, and it was cancelled because the flooding was supposed to get worse. I listened to relaxing classical and Jon Schmidt music on the drive, which calmed me, and I saw the cancellation for what it was: a tender mercy. Because not only did I have a free day, but I was able to meet and trade cars with my husband, who was driving our car that seems to be on its last leg to work because I freaked out about its issues yesterday and refused to drive it today. I got to take it in to get looked at today, and that was a blessing. The fact that we should have money to make the necessary repairs is a blessing.
The anger and depression floated in and out today. I kind of freaked out about the guy I talked to at the car shop (he might not really be stupid, but he sure acted like it). But I got over it. I was going to blog this afternoon, but I fell asleep instead. I went to my chiropractor appointment feeling okay. I went swimming right after. My mom dropped me off at the fitness center [because our car is still in the shop]. The plan was to swim and then read my Ensign while waiting for Jack to pick me up on his way home from work. Don't worry. If you're thinking that's gross because I have a rash, it's not contagious. The cold water provided a little relief, and I was hoping the chlorine would kill the rash somehow.
I changed my clothes to swim and discovered I forgot my goggles. Horrific surge of anger. Then I decided to tough it out and swim without goggles. My eyes burned. And for some reason, my body was against swimming today. I kept choking on water and not being able to breathe [I seriously don't know why]. But I managed. I swam 150 meters short of a mile and decided that last little bit was so not worth it.
I skipped group today. I was feeling on the verge of exploding, and decided I needed personal time. To think. To write. To process.
I need to write about a trigger [trigger warning!]. I can't get it out of my head. It happened two nights ago. I wanted to write about it because I felt scarred, but I really had no time to write.
We came home from swimming on Tuesday pretty late in the evening. My mom was watching some law show on TV. While Jack and I made our dinner, I saw enough of the show to be intrigued. I used to be really into mystery novels and cop/law shows until I realized I did not have the stomach for the stories. Most of them have something to do with some type of sexual assault, and, you know, with this addiction in my life, I completely can't handle anything related to sexual assault. Not to mention the fact that my tolerance for anything sex-related in media has dramatically decreased (along with violence and language). Anyway, this story was about a girl who was in a coma because she had tried to commit suicide, and she had a school-teacher who had been killed. For some reason, that sounded like it could be interesting, so I sat down to watch it for a little bit. Turns out the teacher was one who traded sexual favors for good grades. This girl wouldn't give in to him, so he, through cyber-bullying, made her out to be a slut and ruined her chances of going to college because of the grade he gave her in his class. She tried to commit suicide because she was so embarrassed. There was a part of the show that, to me, was really graphic, showing the nasty teacher trying to get his way with other students. I. could. not. handle. it. I almost started crying. I wanted to get up and scream and turn the TV off. Instead, I quietly got up, said "This is disgusting," and resumed making dinner, trying to ignore the rest of the show. It triggered me majorly. I also kept thinking of my addict husband, who was in the room hearing/seeing (unless he was ignoring) the graphics on the show. I kept hoping he was ignoring and choosing good thoughts to block it out.
Ever since that incident, I have felt out of whack. I can't think straight. Not only did it scar me as a WoPA, but it scarred me as a teacher. I had a hard time at my teacher training yesterday, and every time I looked at my fellow [male] teachers, my stomach tightened. I felt like I could trust no one.
I've carried this trigger, unsuccessfully ridding myself of it, for two whole days. It's bringing me down, people! I feel like I'm going crazy. And the more crazy and triggery I feel, the more worthless I feel. I'm fighting it, though. I am so fighting this!
I hate triggers.I hate the feelings associated. I hate the disgust I feel. I hate the fact that I can't get the sick images out of my head. I hate triggers.
On a better note, I had the blessed experience to disclose all the important stuff about my WoPA-ness to our new Relief Society president. I have never done that before. Just telling my friend a few weeks ago was a huge thing for me. I told the R.S. president for a few reasons. First, because I felt really strongly that I should. I really want to be an advocate for this stuff, but I recognize that it's not appropriate for me to be public if my husband isn't ready for that. So I'm an anonymous advocate. I talked to my R.S. president so she could understand how passionate I am about the Togetherness Project (she is going to announce it and put a flyer in the R.S binders) and the LDS Addiction Recovery meetings our stake holds. She is going to announce those and the new phone meeting too. It was so refreshing and nice to talk to her. And the understands! I'm excited to have her validation and open arms when I need her. Yay!
This is kind of a weird post. I just really needed some serious writing time. If you made it to the bottom of this crazy post, congratulations! You're awesome! :D Say some prayers for me? So I can have peace? And itch-relief?
I'm experiencing a love-hate relationship with the Love Dare right now.
The love part? Well, it's making me better. It's addressing and helping me change and make better my character weaknesses. Sound familiar? It's helping me achieve steps 6, 7, 8, and 9. It's helping me change. It's been really good for my attempts to overcome my weaknesses, and it's been good for our relationship. It's helping me recognize what I can't do myself. It's helping me see where I can turn to God more. It's helping me reach out to God and invite Him into my life and into my heart more often. It really is helping me in so many ways.
The hate part? It's hard. Sometimes it's just so hard. I'm seeing my weaknesses directly in front of my eyes. I'm really having to work to make changes in myself. The tasks or challenges themselves aren't always that hard. The hard part is my attitude. I should have an attitude of selflessness, an attitude of giving and loving and asking for nothing in return. That is what is hard, especially for a girl who has been hurt because of selfishness. Sometimes I just feel so selfish. I don't like that feeling, especially when I am really trying to work hard to be selfless.
Sometimes I don't want to do the dare for the day because I'm tired of holding back my negativity. The silly thing? I know negative is not good. The sillier thing? I really don't have anything to be negative about. My husband is nine days sober. He is in the process of recovery. He is trying to repent. He really is trying. He hasn't done anything mean or said anything really rude. I'm just addicted to negativity and anger, and I don't know how to purge myself of it. I'm so used to being angry about something, even when I was trying not to be back in step 7. I don't know how to live without it. Well, I've done it for five days. Last night and this morning, I just feel it trying to push itself in with full force. Stupid Satan.
Sound like an addict? I think so. It's times like this when I feel like I do understand the addiction a little better. I know my husband knows it's wrong. He doesn't like it. He wants it gone. But, then, there is just this pull towards it and he can't seem to figure out how to live without it or even completely desire to live without it because it's [basically] always been a part of him.
It's different. Obviously, anger and negativity are different from sexual addiction. But still. I understand a little bit.
So, I guess that is another good thing that is coming from my Love Dare.
But, hey, honestly, encouraging comments would be wonderful because I'm kind of struggling with my negative mindset today. I've prayed a lot this morning, and, now at the end of this post, I feel like I need to reach out to all of you. Thanks, in advance!
The first couple days of the Love Dare have given me a lot to think about.
First, I'm definitely glad I chose this journey for my step 9. Over the past two days, I have learned a lot about myself and my capacity to love.
When I read the first chapter and challenge, I felt a little overwhelmed. The first chapter was about patience, and the dare to go with it was to say nothing negative to your spouse all day. I know I'm not a super mean person, but I definitely have my fair share of negative statements in our marriage. In fact, I have found over the past couple of weeks that our vicious cycles of negativity and hurt form when I say something stinging, negative, and/or hurtful to Jack, and then he retaliates. Thus, the cycle has started.
The vicious cycle looks like this: Jack says/does something that irritates or hurts me (keep in mind that when I am already hurting **ahem--the past two weeks**, I am way less patient and more easily irritated). I say something mean/sarcastic back. He gets offended and starts being rude back to me. Then, I'm mad that he is mad at me when it was obviously (sarcasm) his fault. So I get mean again. He's mean again. It keeps going like that until I cry, one of us apologizes and breaks the tension. Or both. Then the cycle is broken. I know that it really would be best to just prevent the cycle, but that honestly always seems so. hard. I feel like I can't express my hurt or pain if I don't react in a way that really lets him know how I feel. And I know that is just so dumb. I always know I'm being dumb, but anger and negativity are addictive.
I know that if I can stop the first negative thing that comes out of my mouth as a reaction to the hurt or other emotions I am experiencing, the vicious cycle is prevented. That is something I have been working on as I have been trying to strengthen my weaknesses, but I just haven't quite found the best way to do it. But, this first dare helped open my eyes to what I need to do for that aspect of our relationship (thanks to God for showing me this was the way for me to go).
So, that's basically what my challenge was the first day. It actually wasn't as hard as I expected. I mean, going one day without being negative is really refreshing. It made me think about everything with open eyes and realize the little things that were irritating were not that big of a deal. Really. It was much easier than I anticipated to stop myself from saying something or reacting in a negative way.
All day long, I thought to myself how much easier it was than I expected. I also thought about how easy it would be to get back in the habit because one day isn't enough to break the bad habit of saying negative things.
The writers of the Love Dare knew that too. I was a little surprised (but I don't really know why) that the second challenge included the words, "along with saying nothing negative to your spouse..." The second day, it was a lot harder not to let the little things get to me. By eleven o'clock yesterday morning, something was really getting to me. I can't remember what it was. I just remember the feeling. I didn't know how to express myself because when I feel the way I felt yesterday, the way I express myself is through anger and negativity. But the Dare told me not to be negative. So, my response to the situation was to abruptly excuse him from the room by saying, "Well, I'm going to read my scriptures now." I read. I wrote in my journal. By the time I was finished, I had gone through my method of processing emotions, and I felt fine. I was so glad I hadn't ruined the day by negatively reacting the way I normally do. The rest of the day was cake. I don't remember any other times where I felt overwhelmed with the desire to be negative.
The other part of the challenge yesterday was kindness. I was supposed to do an unexpected act of kindness. I had no idea what to do, so throughout the day, I was on watch--looking for opportunities to serve out of kindness. I offered to make Jack lunch, but he didn't want me to (well, he wanted us to make lunch together). I even offered to sacrifice the time I had set aside to work on lesson-planning to spend the whole day with him and do whatever he wanted (it took a long time for me to come to peace with that offer because I really needed to work on lesson planning). Luckily for me and my lesson planning, he wanted to work on planning for the business he is trying to start. The act of kindness I chose was to load the dishwasher. Usually, I try to get him to help me with housework stuff. This time, I just did it. And when he tried to help, I told him I was doing it and that there wasn't room for both of us (maybe a little mean, but holy cow he wouldn't let me do anything for him yesterday!). My other act of kindness was to play all the games he wanted to in the evening. AND, I didn't even get competitive and mad when he beat me. Now, that is quite the feat for me.
Focusing on patience and kindness have really been good for me. Choosing not to be negative has taught me a lot. I don't have to be negative to express myself (I actually already knew that, but I wasn't able to break the cycle in myself yet). I can work through my emotions, and if something needs to be addressed, the time to do that is after I have processed, not in the heat of the moment. Sometimes, it just seems easier to be negative and angry, though. That's what Satan wants us to think because that is the way he works. However, I know from experience that being negative and angry only makes everything harder and worse. So, I have to be brave enough to break that cycle.
Choosing not to be negative and angry allowed more peaceful and loving feelings to dwell in my heart. I wanted to be close to him (whereas last week, I did not want to be close to him, and when he would touch me too much, I would have to *gently* say sorry I'm hurting and I just really don't want you to touch me). I wanted to touch him. Throughout the day, I felt a stronger and stronger pull of love and attraction towards him. It was a feeling that has escaped me lately. I wanted to breathe him in. I wanted to be his.
Choosing to be kind had the same effect.
I know I haven't done this on my own. From the moment I read the first chapter and felt the weight of how hard it would be (and it hasn't been easy), I had to turn back to step 1 and ask Heavenly Father for help. I knew I could not to it alone, and He would need to be there with me to help me increase in love.
When we were dating, I knew Jack wanted to marry me, and I wasn't sure about marriage. I had a someone coming home from his mission in a couple of months, someone who, for the past three years, I had planned on marrying. Then my friendship and eventual relationship with Jack put a twist on what I thought my future was. I felt bad because there were times when I knew I was leading Jack on. He liked (loved) me way more than I liked him. He was in the friend-zone, loving me, and I would have to shoot him down many times. We "broke up" from being friends quite a few times. I knew after all those times I needed him in my life. Eventually, we started dating seriously, and it got to the point where I knew we would either have to break up for good or get married, and I was so scared. For everything. I prayed so much for God to show me the way. I asked God to show me if marriage was in our path, and if it was to help me truly love Jack. Marriage was in our path. When I started praying daily for God to help me love Jack more, He did. Our love grew, and I knew without a doubt that we were supposed to get married.
I haven't asked God to help me love Jack in our marriage the way I should. I've fallen into the trap of thinking that love is just a feeling that you can fall in and out of and that the feeling of love determines my actions. I've been hurt and thought Jack needed to serve me to prove his love, and during all that, I forgot that I also need to use action to show and increase my love too. I've prayed multiple times over the past few days for God to help me love Jack better. I have been reminded that while I have been using the power of the Atonement to strengthen me in other aspects of my life, love in my marriage is something He can/needs/wants to help me with too. Through my actions and the power of the Spirit, I've discovered what love can feel like. I've felt love blossoming in my heart, and I can feel the power of what it can grow into if I keep working at it. I know this is only a slight taste of what I have felt in the past, and what I can feel as our love deepens.
It does make it easier that Jack is in recovery and that our relationship doesn't feel completely one-sided. For that, I am eternally grateful.
Today, the dare still includes not being negative. I am so hopeful :)
Also, this is one of my favorite songs about love. Just for kicks.
I have been asked about kind of concrete ways that I deal with my anger.
Really, I would say that you kind of have to figure it out for yourself, but this is what I do, and you can use any of these ideas to help.
In the moment, I have to pause, and take deep breaths. When I get overcome with anger, it's some serious rage. Even the little things come with serious rage sometimes. Taking deep breaths helps get oxygen to my brain, and I can think a little clearer. I ask myself why I am mad, and is it worth it to stay mad? Sometimes, I decide it's worth it to stay mad for selfish reasons: I want my husband (or whoever) to really know that they hurt me, I want to make that person feel guilty, or I am too lazy to try to fight off the anger. Those three things are all qualities of Satan. When I am angry, I act like Satan. Wow. When I realized that for the first time, I got really depressed. Don't get depressed. It's part of the cycle of healing. Anger is normal. But, it's good to recognize the negative aspects of anger and try to overcome it.
If I have time and access, I write in my angry journal. Yes, angry journal. In this journal, I can write whatever I want. My husband will never see it. I might even burn it so my posterity can't ever see it. But this journal lets me rant out what I want to get out, AND, usually when I am finished writing, I realize that the reason I am mad or the way I am acting is stupid. Writing is so therapeutic for me. Writing helps me reason and understand myself. If you are artistic, you could do an art journal to express yourself that way. Or both.
Praying is another crucial thing. Like I have said before, anger is kind of an addiction for me. When my husband is tempted with his addiction, he prays and asks God to help him fight it or to remove it for him. So, I have been really trying to do the same thing with my anger. It lets God see my submission, faith, and trust in Him.
I also (somewhere) have a list of scriptures that help give me peace. So I can turn to them and find help that way. Or, I just open my scriptures and read the ones that are marked until I find something that really helps.
I started making a list of my favorite scriptures to post on here, but it is so long. So, here are some, and I'll add more tomorrow. These aren't necessarily specific to anger, but they give me hope and peace in general (and some are specific to anger too).
Psalms 27:1
Psalms 31:24
Proverbs 3:5
Proverbs 13:10
Proverbs 16:32
Proverbs 17:22
Mark 14:36
Luke 22:42
John 3:16-17
John 14:27
Romans 5 (the whole chapter is great, but the beginning through verse 11 is my favorite)
Romans 8:24-25
