I've been feeling down lately. I'm supposed to be working on step 10, but let's be honest here, I barely have time to read my scriptures and pray. My strength feels like it's waning. I am working on step 10, in my own way. Every day, I try to hold myself accountable to the things I've learned and know I should be doing. I try to check myself for anger and impatience and all the little things that result. The problem is I don't like what I'm seeing in myself every day.
Things have just been hard. My life isn't bad, by any means, but Satan would like me to think that. With the move, stresses and responsibilities at school, and a few other factors, my life is hectic. It's becoming a little too much to bear. Slowly, I've started spending less and less time studying my scriptures and pondering the words of prophets--thinking God will understand. After all, everything I do is because I'm trying to do His will. I am a servant in many aspects of my life. However, I'm not fully taking care of me and my physical and spiritual needs, which is clearly having a negative impact.
The less I have studied my scriptures, the more angry I have become. The past few weeks my scripture reading has been daily, but very minimal. During the summer, I joyfully studied approximately an hour every day, wrote in my blog, and did other things for my healing. Now, I study five to ten minutes a day if I'm lucky. Sometimes it's joyful, and sometimes it's totally forced. Sometimes it's a very quick verse, a short pick-me-up that is needed, but I'm finding that's not enough.
With all the crazy happening in my life, I've been angry and irritable. Impatient and unkind. It's not me. I know it's not me. It's not who I'm meant to be. Then I get depressed, and there is a downward spiral.
Last night, I almost didn't read my five minutes of scriptures because I felt unworthy. I felt so crazy, so bombarded with life, and so angry, that I felt UNWORTHY to open up my scriptures and turn to God for help. I felt unworthy to pray. I felt like a failure because I haven't been able to control my anger and impatience lately. I think I cried myself to sleep.
I. Am. Not. A. Failure. I'm just not. I'm not unworthy to turn to God. Why? Because I'm His daughter, a princess preparing to become a queen. Because He loves me. And, guess what? I don't have to control my anger and impatience. I do have some control, but I also know when Satan is pressuring me so much that things are beyond my control. This is one of those times.
I can turn this over to God. I have no need to be ashamed for the things I have said and done this week anymore. I simply need to repent and move on. I need to forgive my husband and try to trust again. I need to enforce my boundaries in a loving, caring way--not in a scared, angry, out of control way.
I want to be ready to do this. I kind of don't know if I can, but I want to be me again. So many pieces of me are missing--lost under the dark abyss of anger and impatience. I'm going to find those pieces of me. I'm going to live and be beautiful.
I am NOT a failure.