God knows our potential

When you are deeply engulfed in pain, no matter what the pain, it can be easy to blame God. It is only too easy to question His plan for you, His love for you, when the pain you are suffering is seemingly placed there by Him. On purpose.

How dare He? (angry face)

I've had so many moments of hatred at God. I usually make up with Him pretty quickly because I realize that life without Him by my side is dark and terrible. Because of these moments of anger and hatred at God, along with the moments where I have abandoned Him and realized I'm much worse off without Him, I've had a lot to think about.

God guided me to Ben. I found Ben because of promptings.

God prompted both of us in ways that led to our dating relationship.

When I took the terrifying idea of marriage to God, I felt like it was right. God wanted me to marry Ben.

Okay, so when I went through HELL with Ben, I had a lot of questions for God. They usually started with "Why?" And they usually ended with tears.

I've been thinking about this concept a lot because while I am doing well right now, I have many close friends who are suffering a faith crisis. And, of course, every once in a while I still question because things are certainly not going according to my plan.

Today as I worked on my 12-Steps, I came across these two quotes:

Elder Richard G. Scott explained: “Now may I share some suggestions with you who face the second source of adversity, the testing that a wise Heavenly Father determines is needed even when you are living a worthy, righteous life and are obedient to His commandments. Just when all seems to be going right, challenges often come in multiple doses applied simultaneously. When those trials are not consequences of your disobedience, they are evidence that the Lord feels you are prepared to grow more (see Prov. 3:11–12). He therefore gives you experiences that stimulate growth, understanding, and compassion which polish you for your everlasting benefit. To get you from where you are to where He wants you to be requires a lot of stretching, and that generally entails discomfort and pain.”

Elder Orson F. Whitney shared: “No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, build[s] up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable…and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we came here to acquire.” 

I've often gotten wrapped up in the idea that sometimes our trials are a result of someone else's agency. That is definitely this trial. But, then, that still leads me to question God. God knew this would happen, so why not help me out? I mean, seriously. I have a lot of theories about that regarding agency. Simply put, if God warned me out of this, that would have taken away Ben's agency along with my own agency for things... Yada yada that is not what I'm talking about, but there you go--simple version. I needed to marry Ben. He had the choice to do what he has done, and I've learned a ton from this trial. I honestly wouldn't trade it (as scary as it is to say that).

Today, what hit me from those quotes was this trial is a challenge that God wants me to face. He knows I can do this. He has given me the tools to survive. He has given me so many blessings to help me through. He is with me always. God has given me this experience to stimulate my growth, to help me become better because He knows my potential. He sees what I can't, and He is allowing me to be stretched.

It sucks. Oh my gosh, this trial sucks. But I feel strength and peace in knowing and understanding that this IS part of the plan. In so many ways.

And I am SO GRATEFUL for that knowledge. Even though it sucks.


(Interesting fact: I was told in a blessing earlier this year that I saw my trials before I came to this earth. I knew what I was up against, and I rejoiced because I knew these trials would bring me closer to God. This little "revelation" I had today reminded me of that blessing along with all the peace I have experienced as I have studied trials, the Plan of Salvation, and the Atonement. Let me say once again how grateful I am for my relationship with God and the knowledge and strength I have because of Him.)

Enduring Well

D&C 121: 1, 6-8

(my plea) 
1 O God, where art thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth thy hiding place?
6 Remember thy suffering saints, O our God; and thy servants will rejoice in thy name forever.
(God's response) 
7 My [daughter] peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment.
8 And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; and thou shalt triumph over all thy foes.

Yesterday I went to the temple. It was a beautiful experience--exactly what I needed. I found peace, inspiration, and guidance for many questions and trials I'm facing.

As I sat, studying scriptures and pondering, at the end of my session, I was led to these verses. They HIT me with full force. But the thing that struck me the most was verse 8: "if thou endure it well."

I don't know about you, but I put a lot of pressure on myself to endure things perfectly. I am a perfectionist, something I get from my dad and my controlling nature, and I have hard time settling for okay, well, or good-enough. I want perfection.

I put pressure on myself to get through all my trials with perfection. I compare myself to others suffering similar trials and wonder why they can do it with magnificence while I am here feeling like a chicken with its head cut off.

The thing is, everyone's trials and abilities are different. No one is the same. I can't compare myself to others or I will go crazy. I know that, but I still do it, unfortunately. The great thing about these verses, is it takes pressure off perfectionism. God doesn't want me to be perfect or endure perfectly. He wants me to endure well. He knows my situation. He knows everything I am facing. He knows my depressions and anxieties, and He knows how they affect my abilities. Well is relative to my situation and abilities. It's relative to everyone. Everyone's ability to endure well is different. 

Lesson learned? Stop comparing myself to others and just do my best with what I have to work with. God accepts my sacrifice. He accepts my enduring well. So why can't I? Patience, Kilee. Patience. 

Also, these trials are a small moment in time compared to the eternal scheme of things. Big sigh of relief. Perspective helps me get through one day at a time.

Accepting myself and my abilities to cope, along with learning how to become better through God, is part of my quest for wholeness. I felt whole at the temple. Nothing mattered except God, me, and my relationship with Ben.

One day at a time.

An Unexpected Lesson Learned

On Thursday night I went visiting teaching. If you aren't LDS (Mormon), I'll give you a little background. If you are, feel free to skip this part.

In our church, we have a women's organization called the Relief Society. There are three purposes of this organization: 1) Increase faith and personal righteousness, 2) Strengthen families and homes, and 3) Seek out and help those in need. As part of fulfilling those purposes, we have what is called visiting teaching. To put it simply, we are assigned a companion (there is power and strength in numbers) and are asked to visit specific women in our congregation each month. As we visit these women, we focus on meeting their needs (physical, emotional, etc.) and being a spiritual strength to one another. Ideally, we become friends who really and truly care about one another. When visiting teaching is done right, it is a very fulfilling and uplifting experience on all sides and a truly inspired program.

This month I was assigned a new companion and my list of people to visit changed. I went with my companion to visit a lady who hadn't had visiting teachers come in a long time, and she also hasn't come to church in a long time. We were a little nervous to visit her, but we had an amazingly fantastic visit. I could write tons about what I learned just about the process of visiting teaching that night, but that's not what I'm writing about. I want to write about what I learned about hardships, strength, and vulnerability from this particular visit.

In this post, I will refer to my companion as Ashley and the lady we were visiting as Melissa (not their real names).

As we chatted and to get to know one another, Ashley said, "Melissa, I want to know what has been your hardest trial along with your greatest success in the past month." Melissa thought for a second, but she didn't come up with anything right away (and let's be honest, she probably felt very on the spot). Ashley asked me if I would start. I thought for a second, and then I felt the Spirit burn within my heart, and I shared a very recent story that I will summarize here:

You all know that I've had a hard time lately. Ben recently moved to TX to start his new job, and I've been back in Arkansas fulfilling my responsibilities at school (and learning about more porn, more lies, and having very uncomfortable disclosures, so...). To say it has been hard is minimal. The past month has been among the most hellish of any month since I've been married and have faced the world of porn and infidelity. I didn't go into details with Ashley and Melissa about what is going on in my marriage other than simply saying we are having a really hard time, and he has done some pretty bad things to our relationship, and I would be warranted in getting a divorce if I really wanted to right now. So with that and everything that has happened recently, I've put a lot of thought and prayer in making a HUGE decision. That decision was to resign from my teaching job. Teaching has been my dream since as long as I can remember. But because I've been so depressed this whole school year, and I've given so much time and energy to my school and my students, and because my relationship with my husband is suffering so badly (along with other stressors such as finances, medical, infertility, and so on), I feel that I have to quit right now. It's brought a lot of heartache and mourning (but as my counselor-friend pointed out just yesterday, I need to mourn this stuff and also realize that mourning is different from regret. I don't regret my decision, I'm just mourning my losses right now). Making the decision to quit and move to TX at the end of this month is one of the hardest decisions I've ever made. Telling my principal was one of the hardest things I've ever done. And I'm anticipating something even harder: telling my students. They will be heartbroken because, not to brag or anything, they love me. I'm a great teacher, and I have a way with teenagers. I love them, and they love me. So this is just really hard.

But this exhaustingly hard experience has also been my greatest strength this month. I feel strong in the process I've taken to make this decision. I feel strong in my faith in God and my ability to follow His plan and give my will over to Him. I know I'm doing the right thing for God, my future, my relationship with Ben, and my mental/emotional health. I know I need time right now, and I don't have that time while I'm giving my all to my students.

I feel strength surging through me. I know God is giving me strength and peace as I take these baby steps closer to Him. I know without a doubt I am doing the right thing even though it is scary and hard.

As I talked to these women about my hardship and strength, we all felt the Spirit very strongly in the room. As Ashley and Melissa both told their stories, I discovered something. I've already known this, but it was  very validated by the Spirit that night: Our hardest times can lead to our greatest strengths and the greatest blessings. Both Ashley and Melissa's hardest trial and greatest strength were related, just as mine were. I thought it was amazing how each one of us were thinking of two stories to share--one hard and one strengthening--and we all three ended up sharing one story that incorporated both of those elements.

It's true that our hardest times can lead to our greatest strengths and blessings. Haven't I seen that over and over? Because of this trial (the porn crap) in my life, I have gained strength I never knew was possible at my young age. I have a strong testimony of and strength in the Atonement. I have strong faith and ability to understand the Spirit and follow God's will. I'm not perfect by any means, but I know I have grown in insane amounts over the past three years. This trial has also given me great blessings, not only in my strength, but particularly in the friendships I have formed as I have sought healing. And a stronger vulnerability in my marriage. Stronger hope in my marriage. Stronger understanding of the gospel. Everything good is directly related to the bad and hard. I can't hate this experience because if I hated it or wished it away, I wouldn't have all the good I have now.

I said at the beginning of this post that my visiting teaching experience on Thursday taught me about hardships, strength, and vulnerability. Here is what I learned about vulnerability: Vulnerability is crucial. It's simple, but listen to how I learned it.

As I said, Ashley and I didn't know Melissa at all. She hadn't been to church in a long time, and she hadn't had any visiting teachers visit her in an even longer time. We started with small talk and asking the usual questions. But then Ashley boldly expressed very real things. She talked about her "pet peeves" with visiting teaching and promised Melissa that she would not be that kind of visiting teacher to her. As she talked, she said, "We are now officially friends. I'm not ever going to ask you what we can do for you when we visit you. Because we are friends, and when friends are in need, we tell each other. And when we think our friends are in need and they haven't told us, we act on it anyway." As she talked, both Melissa and I cried because of the spirit and light Ashley carried as she was vulnerable with Melissa. With that vulnerability, we all had an instant bond and an increase in trust.

The other part that taught me about vulnerability was the question Ashley asked during the "getting to know you" chatting: "Tell me about your hardest trial and your greatest strength in the past month." That opened up a very honest, vulnerable, and spiritual conversation. We got to know one another on a much deeper level than I have ever experienced on a first visiting teaching visit. I left that house feeling a bond with both Ashley and Melissa. I left feeling trust, not only in them, but in God.

I'm working on vulnerability in my marriage. It's hard because my trust has not just been broken, it's been shattered. But I'm finding as I am vulnerable with my husband, even in the smallest ways, it mends something broken in our relationship.

There is power in vulnerability. Granted, it's hard. It's so hard to be vulnerable, open, and honest when your husband has been a liar and a sneak. There are many levels of vulnerability, and it works best when both people are vulnerable with one another. Right now I'm being a surface level of vulnerability with my husband. But I know that our relationship can't grow stronger without that vulnerability. As we are both vulnerable, I feel things mending and strengthening, and it gives me hope for my marriage in the future.

This visit taught me a great lesson. Sure things are hard right now, but I am counting my blessings. And sure, sometimes I have no clue what to do with my relationship with Ben, but I have tools to use, and I'm learning the power of vulnerability. Things are good. They are hard, but they really are beautiful.

Constancy and Hope

Credit

The strength in my relationship with God is growing.

When we are faced with tough trials, we are given two choices: we can draw closer to God, or we can decide He doesn't exist or doesn't care, thus creating distance between ourselves and God. We may even experience a combination of those two choices. There are many reasons we might withdraw from God (and many reasons I have withdrawn from God on occasion), but the joys of coming closer to Him are tremendous.

I remember a time when anger was a constant in my body. I was angry with God for encouraging me to marry Ben. I was angry that Ben had betrayed me on so many levels. I was angry that I couldn't see the future and know what would happen. I was angry that I felt so lost and alone. I was angry that I was living this reality. Because this anger was in constant existence in my body, I started having panic attacks and losing the ability to cope with anything, really. I also stopped reading my scriptures and saying heartfelt prayers for a time.

I couldn't tell you how long that phase lasted. I just remember it being there, and it was a growing experience for me. When I look back and think of where I was versus where I am now, there is such a shift. Yes, I still have panic attacks, and I'm not that great at dealing with stress and change. Yes, I feel angry, lost, alone, and confused sometimes. And yes, I have the worst depression I've ever experienced. BUT, I see God every day. Despite all the negatives in my life, God is now my constant, and I find more joy and peace than I ever have before.

Without a doubt, I know God lives. I don't know how He works, and I don't understand everything (or anything, really), but I know He is there. As I study scripture and gain a strength in my understanding and security of my relationship with Him through prayer, it is becoming easier to recognize that He is there, and He always has been (even when I withdrew). When bad things happen, I no longer question the plan (well, okay, I question the plan. But I no longer try to change the plan or think God isn't mindful of me just because things aren't going according to my plan). Rather than questioning His plan, I am trying to embrace it. I am really trying to turn my will over to Him and let things happen as they should.

I'm finding that God knows best. He's always known best. Occasionally He gives us little glimpses into eternity so we can see that His plan is working. On those occasions in my life, I see and feel that things shouldn't be happening any other way, and I see how beautiful His plan really is.

I know that no matter what, God is with me.

I know that salvation is free.

I know that it is His grace that enables me and gives me strength.

I know that the mercy and love of Jesus Christ are what is healing me. I know I could do nothing without Him.

I know that this same grace and mercy allows my husband to repent and me to forgive him.

I know that I will be raised up in immortality if I keep true to God: if I emulate Him, seek His will, and live with charity in my heart.

I have so much hope. I know that divorce is an option now, but I have hope in my marriage. I really do. Because I have hope in the power of repentance and forgiveness through the Atonement, I have hope in my marriage. But even if my marriage doesn't work out, I have hope in the power of healing from this trauma through the Atonement. I have a general hope for my own personal peace and happiness in the future. I have hope that I will enter God's presence again, and for that moment, I jump for joy.

He is Near

This week has been amazing. And by amazing, I mean it amazes me how horribly hard this week has been. It's amazed me how much worse this addiction impacts my life than I thought it did. My husband has amazed me--in a really awful kind of way--twice this week.

But it has amazed me how much light, peace, and beauty can be found in such a time as this.

I'm not here to rag on my husband. I'm not here to tell you about the recent horrible disclosure and how I don't know when I will be able to trust him fully again. I'm not here to tell you about the many tears shed this week, and how I've been just going through the motions every day. And I'm not here to tell you that I hate him and want a divorce (because I don't, by the way).

I'm here to tell you that God has a plan for each of us. I'm here to tell you that God loves me, and He loves you more than you can imagine. I'm here to tell you that you are not alone. You're never alone. He is always there. Sometimes you can't feel Him. Sometimes the darkness seems so thick that it is all you can do to lift your head up, look forward, and hold on to something. Sometimes you want to scream and break things. You want to run and hide. You want to cry your eyeballs out, eat some brownies, and cry some more.

That's okay. He is still with you.

In many ways, my life is falling apart all around me. But one thing is constant: God. He has circled me with His arms in love many times. He has whispered promptings. He has sent angels of mercy to look after me and make sure I'm okay. He has surrounded me with clouds of love, and the love I have felt from on High this week has been so powerful, that I am in tears as I write this.

He loves me. He really, truly, loves me.

He holds me.

He carries me.

I'm not alone in my pain. He has felt it, and He aches for the suffering I am enduring because of my husband. But He has blessed me with grace and mercy, and I am finding this to be an opportunity. I have an opportunity to grow closer to my Father and Elder Brother. I have an opportunity to feel light and share it with others around me. I have an opportunity to trust in the most divine Being and learn how He can really catch me when I fall. I have an opportunity to reach out to others and share my testimony of God's love.

I'm grateful for the strength I am gaining. I am grateful for the faith, understanding, and perspective I am gaining. I am grateful for charity. I am grateful for hope. I am grateful for peace. I am grateful for angels, both in Heaven and on Earth.

I am grateful for my Savior, for it is through Him that I know I can be saved. And it is through Him that I know my husband can be saved. It is through Him that I know I will make it through this experience. And it is through Him that I will be able to forgive and trust my husband again one day.

This is how I described how I feel in my journal this morning:

"I will be okay. I have felt immeasurable amounts of love this week. I know I am being carried by God. I don't know exactly how to describe it, but I hope I can remember this feeling forever. It's like I'm floating on treacherous waves, and God has reached His hand out to pull me up onto the raft. On this raft is the only speck of sun. The sun is shining down on me because He is with me, and in that spot, the water is calm. I know the tossing waves won't throw me off the raft because He has given me peace in my exact landing spot.

"I know I'm not alone. I see it in the love everyone is showing me right now. I see it in the concern of friends volunteering to do anything for me. I see it in my dog who loves me. I see it in my little sister. I see it in the scriptures, and the things I am learning. I see it in the Mormon Messages I watch. I see it in words of the apostles. 

"I feel His love all around me. I know He is guiding our lives. I also know He wants us to succeed, and He won't give up on us. I know I am nothing without Him. He allows me to do all I need to do. I am alive in Him. I am alive because He wants me to be. He is lifting me up. He has never left me, and He never will. I know that. I hope I can hang on to that for the rest of my life."

God has a plan for each of us. I know that the stuff that has happened this week needed to happen. I'm seeing many things fit together and how they have all been part of the plan to get us where we need to go. We do have our agency, but if we can use that agency to do God's will, the plan will work out. If we follow God, we will reach our potential. 

I fear the pain of the road ahead. I could give up now, but I'm not going to. I know that right now, all I am supposed to do is take care of myself, and let God take care of the rest. He will protect me as I travel this road. 

And I hope for the beauty that my marriage can be. I can see it clearly. I really can see it. There is a goal in sight, and that is helping me hang on. 

Look for God's love. It is there, but sometimes we get so depressed that we forget to actually see it and let it envelope our hearts. Look for it. Embrace Him, and you will find that He has already been embracing you.

Hell-Week's Disguised Blessings

Yesterday (well, this whole week) was impossibly long and hard. Thursday night/yesterday were my time to crash and burn. I almost cried at school. Luckily, it was during my favorite class (my catering class-nine students), and they are so amazing in there. I mean, it was a very awkward moment, but I just told them it wasn't them, it was me, and I was simply having a rough day. They love me, and they held me up. Then the rest of the day (I have one of those students three class periods in a row, and four others of those students two class periods in a row), they let everyone who was even remotely rude to me know that I was having a bad day and to knock it off. The rest of the day, all of my students were very protective of my emotional state. They fed me with compliments--telling me that I'm a great teacher, they love me, and that I'm beautiful. It was so amazing to feel that power and love around me. As a high school teacher.

I'm supposed to be in Branson this weekend. My friends are having a girls' weekend without me. That's a story in itself, and all I'll say is I had too much work to do, so I chose not to go as an act of self-care. Going was supposed to be self-care, but with progress reports going out Monday (and how backed up I am in grading and other things with school), the idea of going became pure stress. I decided to stay home so I could get as much as I can done because next week might be hell-week at school. I have so much to do. Plus I woke up feeling sick yesterday and worse today, so I'm glad I can just lay in bed doing my school-work and not be walking around outlet malls in the cold.

Last night I was at school until seven. SEVEN! On a Friday. Did I mention I got to school around 7:10 am? Right when I was feeling sorry for myself (around 5:15) two of my favorite students came in to say hi. They were setting up for the cheer competition today, and decided to take a break and see if I was still there...What kinds of students would expect a teacher to still be at school on Friday at 5:15? Inspired ones. Actually, they wanted some cookies that they were supposed to come get after school but forgot about. Nevertheless, I felt very blessed that they came to visit me and chat for a bit, and I do think it was inspired. About an hour later, a couple more students came to borrow my vacuum to vacuum turf off of something as they were setting up for the competition. These are my two funniest students (and I can never get enough laughs in, especially when I'm depressed that it's 6:15 on a Friday night, and I'm still at school), and it was another little blessing that I knew was from God.

I have stress hives. Not to mention the pain in my back, neck, and feet, which are constant. I wanted to do some form of exercise today, but I'm sick. So, I'll just lay here and do school stuff while I'm wrapped in blankets trying to keep warm. Things could look really down, but I know I'm so blessed. Throughout this entire week, which has had incredible highs and lows (Seriously. Insane amounts of tears, but insane amounts of joy too), I have been blessed. I'm sure later today I will get depressed again, but I'm just grateful for the moments of clarity I have when I know I'm extremely blessed.

Last night, we had pizza for dinner, made a fort with my 13-year old sister, and watched a movie with her. Today I might paint (hopefully...it would be amazing if I could paint!), and I'll for sure do some ADDO and study my scriptures.

It's actually a tender mercy that I had so much to do that I couldn't go to Branson. I am getting some necessary time for myself. Everything I had to do was too much to do after coming home from Branson, but it's not so much that it's taking up my whole weekend. Well, actually, it was, but I crossed some stuff off my list. I'm simplifying for myself. Kind of like how I chose not to grade some assignments because it was too overwhelming. Anyway, right now I'm supposed to be at a Stake Leadership Training for Young Women's, but I skipped it for self-care. And I think God understands that. When I prayed about what to cross off my weekend, I felt very strongly that I need to take care of myself this weekend. What a blessing.

God sees me. He knows me. He knows exactly what to do for me. And I have the Atonement to lean on.

Christ has felt pains, afflictions, and temptations of every kind (Alma 7:11). That means this kind. The kind I feel when I'm severely depressed. The kind I feel when I'm struggling with the responsibilities I have at school. The kind I feel when I'm stuck with the addiction in my life. The kind I feel because I'm not wearing my wedding ring, and the kind I feel when I put the ring back on.

He has taken all of our infirmities (physical and mental weaknesses) upon Himself (Alma 7:12). Because of that, He is filled with mercy, and He knows exactly what we need to be lifted up. He knows because He has felt it. He knows when I need merciful students to feed me with love and compliments. He knows when I need my husband to buy my favorite pizza and decide we're making a fort and watching a movie. He knows when I need my sweet sisters to make me laugh. He knows when I need my principal to email me telling me how great of a job I'm doing and that my work doesn't go unnoticed. He knows when I need my young women's president to ask me how my week is going and expect an honest answer (there is another person I opened up to about the addiction this week :) woot!). He knows when I need students to come talk to me about their own trials. It gives me perspective, and it also shows me that I am in the right place right now and am making a difference for them. I love my students. He knows when to prompt me to cut down and give me peace about cutting down on things in my life. He knows when to give me moments of peace and clarity. This list could go on.

He sees me. He knows me. He is always there for me. And, even though I know that, sometimes I still get a little mad and prideful because things are so hard.

But He is always there waiting for me with open arms. In the meantime, He sends angels to help lift me up.

The "How's it Going" Question

Credit

Today after church, I was stopped by a man in my ward who asked me how school is going. My response was hesitant at first. I didn't know what to say because I'm constantly fighting depression, and honestly, school is hard. And saying that is being relatively optimistic. When I answered him, I chose, "School is great. (smile and pause.) But it's also hard and stressful." I thought that was a good answer. It was the truth, and I was not dragging on about the hard and stressful part. Then he looked at me and said, "So it's great."

"Well yeah, it's great. But it's also hard." Not really sure why I couldn't just leave it just at great.

"It's great." Why can't he accept the hard part?

"Yes, But hard too." Still not sure why I had to keep saying it.

"Well you only needed to say its great. I don't need to know its stressful."

Pause.

Then he said, "It helps you be more positive if you focus on the great and not the hard." Good advice, I guess, but as I wrote in my last post, I've been in denial about things going on in my life. I don't think dishonesty with myself is the answer to being more happy. My final response to him was, "Well it really doesn't help me feel better about things if I have to lie to people about how I feel when they ask me how it's going." Then he laughed and said his job sucks, and that he keeps telling himself it's great in hopes that it will somehow change the situation, and he will convince himself it really is great. Hm... doesn't seem to me like lying to yourself is the answer to optimism. But we're all different, and maybe that works for him. I like the quote I found for my picture at the top of this post. "If you want to be happy, be." That's my philosophy. I can't force myself to be happy. I can only be and make the best of what is, and that is how I can become happier.

Okay, this conversation made me think about a lot of things that have actually been on my mind lately. Why do we have to be so closed?! Why is it not okay to say I'm stressed out? Why is there this societal phobia of saying anything negative in public? (Okay, maybe an exaggeration. But you have to admit, it is pretty bad. People don't want to hear negativity. Even if you aren't being negative, even if you are being realistic, people don't want to hear it.)

My issue isn't with this guy and the conversation I had with him.  My issue is with the fact that it's how society as a whole expects us to be. Closed. Tough. Perfect. No one should know about our inner struggles. We're supposed to pretend we don't have any.

I disagree. How much better would our lives be if we gave honest answers to the "Hi, how are you?" question? How much better would our lives (and others' lives) be if we actually cared to know people's honest answers?

In my ideal world, people would ask me those kinds of questions and actually care about the answer. I could say, "You know, things are kind of hard right now. But I'm holding on. I'm trying to make it work." Maybe I could even mention porn (gasp!). If they asked what they could do for me, they could accept a simple answer like "Please pray for me." They wouldn't need to solve all my problems--they would just let me cry, and they would cry with me. 

I think we could all be more compassionate and understanding. I think we should speak up. For heaven's sake, if someone asks you how you're doing, and you're not doing well at all, tell them. Okay, okay, you don't have to go into detail because that may be pushing it, but you could say something like, "I'm actually having a hard time right now, thanks for asking. It's nice to know someone cares about me. How are you?" And maybe, if they really do care, they will ask to know more about why you aren't doing well. And maybe you will feel safe enough to tell them. And maybe they would show some love and compassion towards you when they see that side of you. I think it's safe to say we would all be at least a little more compassionate if we knew what was really going on in people's lives. (And society could sure use a little more compassion.)

We all have stories. We are all living hard lives. Seriously, that is what life is. It's hard. We are here to experience pain and grow. We are here to live this life and become more like Christ through it so we can live with God again. It just makes it all the more hard when we have to put on that perfect persona and waltz through life like we are sitting on clouds and eating ice cream like it's a vegetable. No one is doing that. No one has that perfect life. 

People have mistaken me for having a perfect life. You know what I want to say to them? I want to word vomit all over them. I want to share with them every little detail about how hard things are and then say, now tell me how perfect you think my life is. But I don't. Because I am told that society doesn't want to hear my inner struggles. Those inner struggles are for me and those very intimately close to me. Like my husband, who is addicted to porn (not a jab, just an honest statement for effect). But as I've shared more with people, that has helped me develop more intimate relationships. 

Like I said, we all have stories. We have different abilities to carry trials and bear different burdens. Some people's trials may seem impossible. Our trials may seem impossible to others. Some trials may seem trivial, but to that person, it's HUGE. We all have stories, and I think there is power in coming together with our stories. I think there is power in letting people be open and share themselves. 

There is power in vulnerability. 

I wish society would let us be more vulnerable instead of saying, "I don't want to hear that. Just tell me how awesome and perfect your life is."

"If you want to be happy, be." Be you. Be brave. Be honest about your life. Let things be, and let them work themselves out how they need to.

Owning my Story

One of the big takeaways I had from the TogethernessProject is that I need to be more open. I need to own my story. It’s my story. Yes, it’s also my husband’s. But this side, the spouse side of things, is mine. I own this side, and it’s my story to tell.

I’ve actually been wanting to be more open. I didn’t ever want to write an anonymous blog. I didn’t want this to be a big, huge, hairy scary secret. I have always just wanted to be me. I’ve wanted to tell friends and family. I’ve wanted it to be something we’re not ashamed of. I was once ashamed—back when being married to a porn addict was a fresh idea and definitely not one I was fond of. I’m still not in love with that fact, but I am in love with my husband. And honestly? I’m more proud of the ground we have covered and the growth we have experienced than ashamed. Really. We are AWESOME!

When I originally felt prompted to start my blog, my husband was afraid. Out of respect for him, I kept the secret. I also kept the secret a little out of fear because my bishop told me that the addiction was between us, and if I blabbed to the world, it might put our marriage in even more turmoil. Well, when you’re in turmoil, more does not. sound. like. fun.

Want to know the reason I started my blog? I had no resources. None. Zip. Zero. Nada! I wanted to be a voice. I wanted to take action, so I prayed to ask how and what I could do. This was my answer. I knew I was not alone. I knew I was not the only wife of a sex addict. I started blogging to help others, to be a resource. I hoped that if people found my blog, they would see that they weren’t alone, and I hoped it could give them strength.

My blog has probably served me more than anyone else. I wrote for about three or four months before I found the LDS Addiction Recovery Blogs website. And then? I started connecting with other women. I started learning from other’s experiences—I was seeing the other end of exactly what I had created my own blog for. I made friends. I felt love. I saw how not crazy I am. I put pieces together, and things started making more sense.

I learned about the Togetherness Project through my blog, and for that I will be eternally grateful. Seriously, I can’t even contain the happiness bursting out of me! I am grinning just thinking about this weekend! :D See? :D I made friends there. I felt loved and secure. I realized even more how beautiful and strong I am becoming because of this trial.

The Togetherness Project helped me gain the courage I needed to tell my husband that this part of the story is mine, and I want to own it. I believe experiences are to be learned from and shared so others can learn from them too. I stood up to my fears to tell him that. Believe me, it was scary. I had so much anxiety about it that I thought I might pass out while I was waiting for him to pick me up from the airport. The Togetherness Project also helped me gain the courage to tell him that I want to give firesides in our stake and actually follow through with that (we have talked about that in the past…but you can’t publicly speak about something that is a big, huge secret).

I’m reaching out.

I feel Satan pushing against me, mainly through fear. I’m not letting him win.

I agreed to be in a picture that will be on someone else’s blog. My face. On a WoPA blog.

I reached out to Jacy and told her of my dream to help the women living down in my area. Being a voice against porn/sex addiction is a passion of mine. I have ideas. But I can’t fulfill any of my dreams or ideas if this is a secret part of my life.

The secret’s out. I’m being brave. People might talk. People might judge the situation. I might feel more alone at times, but I don’t care because it is worth it to me if I can help other women realize they are not alone in this. I felt alone for too long, and I know many women have felt alone for even longer. So. On that note…

Hi, I’m Kilee. 

This was taken at the Togetherness Project. That's me on the right.
On the left is my friend Alicia. She is awesome!

My middle name is Marie (hence my previous pen-name. Using my middle name seemed less anonymous. Still me). I’m married to a sex-addict, and I love him. Once upon a time, I entertained the thought of divorce. It was a thought that scared the heck out of me because I had only been married a wee six months. Right now, I’m planning on never divorcing him. We are working through our problems, and he is trying to recover from his addiction. But, you know, I guess we will see.

I write about my journey through this trial. However, my life isn’t all about sex addiction. That’s a part of it, yes, a big part, but it’s definitely not all. My life is just life. It's beautiful. It's amazing. It's a gift. I see beauty and joy in every day.

I'm the wife of a sex-addict, but I'm also so much more.

I like to learn. I try to make every moment a learning opportunity. I learn from my students, the youth I work with at church, experiences, books, friends, and family. I don't want any opportunity that could better myself to be missed.

I love to laugh. I love it when I make myself laugh (usually because I’m so weird). I love dancing! I am by no means a good dancer. I just love it, and I love being goofy. I especially love dancing in the car.

I love music! I love to sing and play the piano. Once again, I’m not a great singer, but I totally don’t care! I belt out songs when I am happy or angry. I sing to my husband to cheer him up. I sing to myself to cheer me up. Music is a big part of my life (if you couldn’t tell from the many songs I have posted). Music makes me happy and calms me.

I love to exercise. I love the feeling of being completely exhausted but knowing I’m a beast. I think that comes down to my love for accomplishing hard things. I played sports in high school, which I think has helped me manage tough things in my life. I want to start yoga when I feel like my body is up to it. I also want to run a marathon some day.

I’m one of the most injury/accident-prone people you will ever meet. My life is a series of unfortunate injuries—one after another. My exercising/sports-playing has been put on hold many times due to things I physically can’t do. I did develop a love for swimming, though, which can be done during most of my injuries.

I love creating things. I love to sew, and I especially love to experiment with creating my own patterns. I love to paint and draw. It’s therapeutic for me, but it’s also a passion. I love to cook/bake. I love making people happy with my creations—whatever they may be. I think my love for creation stems from my love for God and what He has given me.

I love watching movies and snuggling under a blanket. Especially on a rainy day.

Speaking of rainy days, I love puddle jumping! Or dancing in the rain.

I also love to read. I love stories—the creation of stories and living through stories. I love imagination and writing. I once wanted to be an author.

I love teenagers. I teach high school, and I work with my church’s youth group (for you LDS-folk, I’m the miamaid adviser). I seriously love it! Teenagers are fun!

I want to have a family more than anything. I’ve been told that maybe I haven’t been able to get pregnant yet because I need to work on my relationship with my husband more. Well, we’re trying. Being infertile is incredibly painful, but it definitely increases my desire for a family. I know I’ll appreciate it more when I do have children. Right now, I just consider my students and youth-group my children. I love and care about them so much. All of the hard things I’m doing are helping prepare me to be a mother. I know that is my divine purpose.

Making myself known is a big step for me. I know it isn’t necessary for everyone, but it just feels right for me. I’ve learned from experience that when God tells me to do something, I need to do it. Putting my name and face on my blog was the biggest prompting I received at the Togetherness Project—I think because it’s the next step toward serving others who are in this situation. It’s right. It’s time for me to be brave. So here I am, putting myself out there. I am a little afraid. Okay, a lot afraid. Now people I know might actually find me (gasp!) and get personal details about my life. That is a scary thought because I tend to keep the details between me and my close peeps. I'm totally okay with being open; it's just the fear of what people might think about me and my life that keeps me closed. I'm stepping out there now because what I want most is to spread the hope and joy I feel.

I'm the wife of a sex-addict. I'm also a woman of many talents and passions. 

Welcome to my corner of the world.

Here’s to hope and joy! Hurrah!

Coping With Those Rough Emotions

Credit

Emotion is a ginormous part of this journey of dealing with addiction. The negative emotions are real. They are big. They are raw. They cut deep. They hurt.

Sometimes I wonder how to deal with them. 

I've learned a lot about dealing with emotion and stress. In the past three years, I have felt unimaginable amounts of emotion, specifically negative emotion, and stress. When I look back and reflect, sometimes I surprise myself at how much I have really learned. 

Emotions have been on my brain all week. Ummm, that's because I have gone through a lot of them (this week especially). Most have been negative, but then there is that conflict of emotion that is hard to deal with: angry, but longing for love; exhausted, but desperate to get through; sad, but full of those darn happy memories; scared, but full of peace. It all builds up and creates stress, especially when added on top of the other life stuff, which for me includes responsibilities at home, school, and church. 

How do we deal with it all? It's so much. It seems like every normal stressor is made worse by the stress and emotional battlefield of the addiction. 

This is what I've learned: 

1) Allow yourself to feel emotion. Too many times I have tried to shove the emotions down. They are painful. They are scary, and quite honestly, it just plain seems easier to not feel, to just push it back and put on the brave face. That doesn't work. That has never worked for me. It's like putting a band-aid over an open, gaping wound. It may cover the wound for a short time, but it will fall off. When you need stitches, covering it with a small band-aid only temporarily helps. Then you run the risk of infection and a much worse wound. The temporary solution of ignoring emotions that are hard to deal with is just that: temporary. It feeds the wound so it becomes "infected" and basically bursts open. Worse. When you don't allow yourself to feel emotion, for whatever reason (fear, manipulation, etc.), you are asking for an explosion later on. And my explosions usually include a lot of exhausting tears and much worse negative emotion. So let yourself feel. Let the emotion play its course. And eat some brownies if you have to.

2) Find a good outlet for your emotions. There are many options here. First, I'll say don't be afraid to talk to a trusted friend. I have been afraid of that in the past. Sometimes it's fear of Jack, and sometimes it's because I'm afraid of what that person might think or do. If you pray, God will help you find the right people to confide in. My friend Harriet helped me realize it's okay, even necessary, to share this burden with others. One of my friends in whom I confided, upon hearing my fears (after we had talked a long time) reminded me of our baptismal covenant to bear one another's burdens that they may be light, to comfort others, and to mourn with those that mourn. How can we do that if we don't share our burdens? 

Another outlet for me is writing. A missionary at my group in Utah encouraged me to have a separate journal for anger and recovery. So I have an angry journal. I use it for when I feel like my head will explode with all my stress and pain. And I will burn it when it is filled up. NO ONE, not even me, reads my angry journal. It's personal. It's simply an outlet for pain. It's my journal that I never re-read because it's only full of pain. It's all useless venting to release emotion. And it has worked. It has helped me feel and express my emotions in a non-destructive manner.

I also have other hobbies that help me deal with emotion: painting, and exercising. Those aren't my only hobbies, but they are my best stress-relievers. I try not to emotionally eat because it usually makes me feel worse afterwards, but, hey, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. Sometimes only brownies and ice cream can handle me and my emotions. ;)

3) Try to see the bigger picture. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. I know there is an eternal purpose for my experiences here. I also know I have a Father in Heaven who sent His Son to die for me. He can succor me. He can lift me up. And as I turn to Him, I am drawing closer to His glory. He is my source of strength and power, and I know through Him that there is an end to my pains, and something beautiful in store for me. 

4) Pray. We can obtain divine powers through prayer. It is through prayer that I have gained strength and courage to face my emotions and stress head on. Through prayer, I've felt and kept my eyes open to see what God had blessed me with. 

5) Express your emotions. Be open and communicate with your spouse about your needs. If your emotions and stress stem from the addiction, express to your spouse what you feel. That is really hard and scary. But you have to be open for a few reasons. If you're not open, your spouse actually may not have a clue how you really feel. I feel like that happens to me a lot because I try to be brave and supportive. He has to know how I feel and what my boundaries are or else I get taken advantage of (even if he is not intentionally taking advantage of me). For my emotional safety, I have established a norm of open communication about emotion in our relationship. It has really helped me so I don't feel that stupid guilt when I feel certain emotions but he doesn't know. Seriously you guys, I used to feel so guilty when I would feel the negative emotions that are totally NORMAL for our situation. I always tried to be supportive and loving and focus on meeting his needs and fixing his emotions so he would be happy. I thought if he was happy, I was happy. Not so. I have to focus on me and my emotional needs. Expressing it to him has to be done for my healing. 

6) Reach outside yourself. Giving service is healing. I've been given multiple priesthood blessings where I was told that my sensitivity because of my experiences will prove to be something that allows me to recognize and acknowledge pain in others. It's true, and I think that's true for all of us. When you have suffered to a certain degree, you can see the suffering in others.you recognize it because you've been there. So, use that gift to help others heal. Give service. Find ways you can reach out to others and make a difference. I promise looking outside your own difficult emotions will prove to be a healing balm for those very emotions that are so hard to deal with.

Emotions are tough. Even if it's not about addiction, emotions are tough. We all have our trials. Some are trials through fire, and they are HARD. But thankfully, we can all help each other. And we have a Father and Christ to lean on, who give us courage and strength. 

I'm praying for you beautiful readers. I know many of us are hitting hard times together. We can do this. YOU can do this. 

I love you :) 

Addiction=Hard

This week has been hard, happy, exhausting, crazy, and blessed. I've fought anger. I've taught impatience. I've felt unloved and not special. I've felt very loved and very special. I've experienced many moments of pain and many tender mercies. I've felt alone and seen God's hand. There is much I could write about, but I'll just simply say I have a testimony of God and Jesus Christ. They live, and they love us. 

And now I will skip anything I wanted to say about this week (except for the fact that we moved out of my parents' house yesterday!!) and get to the heart of what I'm thinking and feeling today. 

Yesterday, Jack and I were mad at each other for a good chunk of the morning. While I was driving home from getting the moving truck, I had an angry conversation with him in my head (so I had arguments ready if I had to defend my mood). It was during this time that I realized I had this unsettled feeling that he wasn't telling me something. I had that feeling a lot this week, but I never addressed it because I didn't want to deal with it. Plus, I didn't have anything other than the feeling that he wasn't telling me something. 

He wrote about it on his blog. On Wednesday. My birthday. He thought I would read it. He hoped I would read it, but I didn't. I rarely have time to read any blogs except on Sundays when I catch up. Last night, we were finally alone in our new house, finally feeling some peace, when he asked if I read his blog. I hadn't, so I read his three-day old post. Old news for the rest of the blogging community, but fresh to me. He struggled all week. 

My first reaction was crying because all the tension I felt about him not telling me something finally disappeared. And it validated my feelings. Then we both just sat and thought. I'm sure he was wondering what I would say/do and was a little afraid. 

I feel so torn. I feel sad, a little mad, a little hopeless, but still full of hope. Yesterday, during the RS broadcast, I decided to turn over my anger, impatience, and fears over to God. That was before this discovery incident. That decision was based on all the negative feelings I had suffered all week long. Since then, I've felt much more peace and hope, and I felt more prepared to take in this fresh pain and turn to Christ. 

But then I'm torn because I kind of want him to feel what I feel. I want him to understand what this is doing to me. And I feel sorry for him. I feel sad for him. He is really struggling and is afraid of what could happen to our marriage, and I really can't be encouraging right now. There is a line. I don't know what it is, but there is one. I am dedicated to keeping our marriage intact and upholding my covenants, but really how hard is he trying? I know there are victories for him in fighting the addiction, but the losses are what will destroy us and him. 

He told me last night he doesn't want the addiction to define him. I told him it doesn't have to, but he has to choose that. Right now, he seems to be letting it define him. He has to fight hard. I have to fight hard. And we have to fight together. 

Addiction sucks. It really does. I'm trying not to let this bring me down, but it's exhausting. Week after week. Day after day. When will I completely go crazy? It's bound to happen, right? I guess not if I can keep turning to the Atonement. 

This is just hard. While I am grateful for how we have grown and the beauty that lies in our relationship, I do miss the innocence I thought we had. 

A new day, a fresh start!

Credit

 
After I wrote my post a couple nights ago, I started crying. Uncontrollably. Mostly because of the itching. Well, it was more than just itching. My legs felt like they were on fire, and the rash seemed like acid burning into my skin. I couldn't handle it.

I asked Jack to give me a blessing. It was all I knew to do because my prayers didn't seem to be working. I don't even know what I expected because, in my eyes, it was obviously not part of The Plan for the nasty itching to go away. I got to the point where I just knew I needed to rely on some source of communication with God, so I asked for a blessing.

A few things stood out to me. First of all, I was not blessed to be healed (not a shock at all. I've never been blessed to be healed), but instead was blessed to have the strength I needed to bear it all night and the next day until I could seek medical attention. That was actually a huge relief because the night before I had barely gotten any sleep because of the rash. And I couldn't see a doctor until after my Professional Development session at school the next day. I was told to rely on Christ. I was also told that many of my physical trials are a result of my stress. And then I was told I have the power and capacity to do all that is necessary for school this coming school-year. If I get overwhelmed, I am to turn it over to Christ and keep pressing on.

I know priesthood blessings are supposed to be full of light, and in many ways this was, but afterwords, I felt overpowered with darkness. I saw the blessings, but I saw so much more negative. Which goes to show that I haven't been in the best frame of mind this week.

First, let me say that being blessed with strength is beautiful. What better way to grow than to be blessed with the strength to bear something. If the trial was removed instantly, there would be no growth. Now, that being said, I don't always have that clear of thinking in the moment of trial.

The main reasons I became depressed were because I read into it too much, and thus became way too hard on myself. I was told to turn to Christ, and I was told that my physical trials are a result of my stress. I've been working so hard to turn my life over to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. I've been working just as hard to release and manage my stressors in positive and appropriate ways. I've been trying to turn them over to Christ. I've been trying to take one day at a time. I've been using positive self-talk. I've been taking the time to meditate. I've been trusting that I will be taken care of. Granted, this week has been tough, and I haven't done my absolute best. And that is why I took it so hard. I thought well, I've been working so hard but hit a slump this week. Obviously, God expects my best and is not okay with my slump. He is punishing me with this awful rash to show me that I'm not trusting Him enough or managing my stress as well as I thought. He isn't cutting me any slack. I can't go on. I just can't. I felt like all my efforts were in complete and utter vain.

I cried for a long while. Those thoughts, by themselves, are depressing enough. So, combined with my other depressing thoughts, I was out of control.

All I can say now is that I feel pretty good. I feel blessed. The itching didn't drive me crazy at PD yesterday. We even ended early, and I got time to work in my classroom a little bit. I went to the doctor yesterday afternoon. Between the prescribed steroid cortisone cream and the Benadryl, the itching is at a minimum, and I slept soooooo beautifully last night.

I'm still a little worried [stressed, ironically enough] about the fact that I'm not managing my stress well. I thought I was. And it stresses me out that I have to figure out something new. I'm trying not to be stressed. School starts in one week from Monday. All the sudden, I feel like I am totally not ready at all. But I'll be okay. I just have to turn to God, and I know He will help me.

The stupid thing is that I kind of don't want to. I'm falling back into my stubborn self where I don't want help. I want to do it on my own. I don't want to do it His way because then I get back injuries, foot problems, and rashes on my legs. Not to mention the addiction stuff.  I want Him to cut me some slack. I want things to just be really good for a season.

And then I feel ungrateful and selfish because I know I'm blessed. Things are really good overall. I'm so excited for school to start! The closer it gets, the more excited I feel. The addiction is going well, and Jack was even recently called to the Sunday School presidency, which is a sign to me that God trusts him, so I'm trying to trust him more too. The itching has significantly gone down, and I was recently "released" from my back issues: I still go in for maintenance check-ups, but I could run and jump and dance if I wanted too! [However, I don't because of my feet, and that's another story.]

I'm too stubborn to repent for the way I have been acting towards God. It's so dumb. I will, though. I'm praying for a softer heart and perspective.

Today is a new day. I'm not going to give up or stay depressed because of all this stuff I just wrote about. I'm going to pray for peace and light. I'm going to keep Satan and his demons away from me. And I'm going to figure out how to live the way God wants me too. I'll call on my angels to help me.

A new day is a fresh start. Every day.

"Let Not Your Heart Be Troubled"

Let's talk about yesterday. I'm glad I didn't write about it yesterday because I really lost perspective for a while there.

Church was hard.

I've mentioned PMS this week. Well, I normally start getting pretty emotional during the week leading up to my period. Usually, the day before, I hit crazy PMS, and I'm a blubbering crybaby for the tiniest things. I finally started my period yesterday at church. It was late. That was one of the things I was mad at.

If you read my Mother's Day post, you got a little sneak peek at my emotions regarding children. We want children so badly. We even tried after things calmed down in our marriage and we felt like it was right. We felt very prompted that it was the time to start trying, so we did. We tried for almost a year, then we had to stop trying because of some other issues that came up. Then, a few months later, we were able to start trying again. Then, we had to stop trying again because of serious back problems I started suffering from. For the past two years, having my period has not only been emotional because of hormones, it has been emotional because I DON'T WANT MY PERIOD. I want a baby. I want a family.

Trust me when I say that is a very deep desire, and it's an extremely hard trial to not be able to carry children right now, and to have gone through an infertile time and not know if, when we do start trying again, we will have children in our timetable (I italicized that for a reason. I know I am supposed to wait on the Lord's timing. For everything. Isn't it just sometimes so frustrating?!). For all we know, it could be a very long time before we have children.

Thus, when my period is late, I feel like God is playing a very sick joke on me. All week, I have had to coach myself, "You're not pregnant. You're not even trying. Don't even think you are pregnant. Your period is just late. That one time, you used a condom. It probably did not have a hole in it. You are probably not pregnant. Don't think you are pregnant..." I've had to be really patient with that (really, come on, just let a girl get her period when it is supposed to come, don't make it be late), with myself, with God, and with a whole heckofalotofotherthingsgoingonthisweek!!!!!

I've struggled.

I've struggled with humility and pride.

I've struggled with anger, selfishness, and sadness.

And yet, I've really tried to overcome those things. And, then, I have felt like a failure because I haven't been able to overcome those very prominent weaknesses smashing me in the face. AND STEP 7 IS THE ONE I HAVE BEEN WORKING ON! I told my husband yesterday (actually I think I screamed/sobbed it) that I hate step 7. I don't really hate it. I just hated myself for being so hard and stubborn and not accepting the Atonement like I should.

Yesterday, I held back tears all through church. Then, after church, I made my husband curl up on the bed with me (while the kids we are babysitting for ten days ran around the house like crazy-people), and I cried for TWO WHOLE HOURS. Oh, and our home teacher came over to give Husband a blessing (he is depressed because he has no job. and we have no money. and that is a whole separate story, but yes, financial burden is another of our trials), and he kept asking me if I was okay, and finally if I have allergies. Because I kept sniffling. And my eyes were puffy. After he left, I resumed the fetal position on our bed and cried some more.

Finally, my husband helped snap me out of it and encouraged me, in a very nice and loving way, to study my scriptures before we ended our fast and chowed down on dinner. Which is where that lovely talk came in that I started reading yesterday.

Anyway, now that is all behind me, and I feel much better today.

I have something to confess before I finish the rest of my story. I'm a teacher. So, the times I was talking about my job (if you remember. I don't even remember which posts they were, so I'm not linking them), I was long-term subbing for the past four months. I DID GET THE JOB FOR THIS POSITION FOR NEXT SCHOOL YEAR! YAY ME (tender mercy, actually. Plus, I have seen this job line up beautifully, and I know this is exactly where the Lord wants me)! Anyway, now school is pretty much over, my tiny sub pay winding down, and after my last sub paycheck, I don't get paid again until September. No income for the next few months... (unless of course, my husband lands a job. Unemployment sucks!). The reason why I have been so vague about it was because I was trying to make sure no one can figure out who I am. But, my husband told me that it's probably fine and that I should be able to write about my teaching trials on here too. Because as much as I love teaching high school, some days, it really is a trial. And that also helps explain our financial situation a little better too, which is also a trial.

So, I went to this training thing I had to go to for next school year, only to arrive there and discover it was cancelled. It was 50 minutes away from where I live. I was tired. Finding out it was cancelled was surprisingly not irritating. I was actually grateful because I have lots to do today, so the time back is a good thing. And just getting out of the house and driving for 2 hours was soothing. My husband had a Deseret Book gift card, and a few weeks ago, he bought me this talk on CD called "Let Not Your Heart Be Troubled" by Jack R. Christianson. I listened to it this morning while I was driving. First of all, I would highly recommend getting your hands on that talk. It is AWESOME. The talk ended approximately one minute before I arrived back at home, meaning the distance I drove and listened was perfect. Yet another tender mercy? I think yes.

I can't really go into all of what I am thinking and feeling, or I would be sitting here typing away for hours, and, like I said, I have stuff to do today. But, I just want to share this:

I am so extremely grateful for the ways that I do see God's hand in my life. I'm not perfect. I won't be in this life. But, I have the Atonement to lean on and help me draw closer to perfection. My husband isn't perfect. But, the Atonement is for him too.

I have had my moments where I feel like I have the Atonement kind of figured out, and it helps me, and I feel  great about things. Then, I have my moments where I have no clue what is going on, I don't how to use or apply the Atonement, I am stubborn because I don't want help, and I feel fiercely hardened.

That was me last week.

And yet, I can look back and see the progress I have made. I have come far. My husband agrees with me. Remember that quote I shared earlier this week? I want to share it again.

"Struggling with those problems is at the very core of life's purpose. As we draw close to God, He will show us our weaknesses and through them make us wiser, stronger. If you're seeing more of your weaknesses that just might mean you're moving nearer to God, not farther away." (Healing Through Christ pg 68).

Overall, I am drawing closer to God. I just have to make sure that I don't get so scared of things that I push Him away. I have thought about that a lot this week. I have been so scared of so many things, and I have had a lot of anxiety and stress. I have felt alone and abandoned, but I haven't sought out God like I should. He is always by my side, but I can't see Him if I won't take off my blindfold. I'll never see Him if I am blinded by choice.

He is there. He is always there. I know He is. I just have to make sure I am searching in the right places and always welcoming Him in.

Credit

Happy Mother's Day?

I have a lot of hard days, but over the past few years,Mother's Day has risen to the top of the list.

My first Mother's Day as a married woman, I cried for the eternal family I wasn't sure about. Of course, I wanted to have children so badly (eventually. I can't remember if at that point we had seriously talked about having kids), but that was only about six weeks after learning about my husband's addiction.At the time, I was in a lot of pain, and the thought of children and eternity that I wasn't sure could happen brought even more pain.

Last year, we were trying unsuccessfully to have children.

This year, we can't even try right now because of my health problems.

We both want children so badly, and with the time spent trying unsuccessfully along with the time spent unable to try, Mother's Day is just depressing. Then I think about all the women who have unwanted children and all the children who are abused, and it is even more depressing.

I tried to make this day about my mom, rather than my lack of being a mom. I tried to be joyful and unselfish. I really tried not to think about the hard things I am facing and just focus on the sacrament and sharing the joy with the other moms. But... I had to go out to my car and cry for a little bit between sacrament meeting and Sunday School. I prayed with all the hope and might that I had in me, asking God to take away this pain today and to help me go in and face my Sunday School class without a tear-stained face. And you know what? He did. It was the most immediate answer to a prayer that I have received.

I am so grateful for the ability to have open communication with God. I know He hears and answers our prayers. Some answers come faster than others. Some answers we may or may not want to hear. But He always does what is best for us. I am especially grateful that He answered my prayer so quickly today and helped me to overcome the feelings of self-pity, despair, and selfishness I was sincerely trying to avoid.

So, to all you mothers out there, happy Mother's Day! To all you who are struggling with an addiction between you and what you had envisioned as eternity, to all you who are in that position and don't have children, happy Mother's Day! Life can still go on, and you can still find peace (and you can still raise righteous children with your spouse). Happy Mother's Day!

Reflections on the road to recovery

We are approaching Step 7: Humility

The key principle is, “Humbly ask Heavenly Father to remove your shortcomings.”

All of the steps require humility in some form, but in step 7, humility is the primary focus. I am so excited for this step!

First, I want to reflect on the journey. So far, we have admitted that we are powerless to heal on our own (or overcome our own forms of addiction—co-dependency, anger, anxiety, depression, etc). We have believed that the power of God can restore us to complete spiritual health. We have made the decision to turn our will and life over to Heavenly Father. We fearlessly made an inventory of ourselves. We have confessed our sins to a trusted person. And we experienced a change of heart and become ready to ask God to remove our weaknesses.

We have come a long way.

If this is your first time through the 12 steps, think of how you felt at the very beginning. If you were like me, your heart might have been completely filled with anger (with a little room to breathe?). You might have experienced so much rage that you forgot what it felt like to feel trust and peace. You might have been in so much pain that you contemplated leaving your loved one with the addiction, or you might have contemplated suicide. Do you still feel that now? I’m sure you do—but in phases. I do. It comes and goes as a cycle. And over time, and through healing, the cycle has had less negative and way more positive. Overall, I am happy. I feel peace. I feel joy. I feel love. Yes, this is my second time through the steps, but even during round one, by the time I had reached the halfway mark through the 12 steps, I was on a spiritual high (if you aren’t, don’t be afraid. Healing comes at different speeds and in different ways for everybody. Keep pushing forward with faith and trusting God. I promise, healing will come). I no longer blame my husband for everything bad that happens to me (I still do sometimes—but it’s a habit I am trying to break). I no longer break down or wallow in self-pity when my husband tells me he masturbated or viewed pornography. Rather, I feel pain for him. My primary concern is for my husband, not for myself. Whoa.

I have come a long way.

Two years ago, I was considering ending my marriage because I felt lied to and tricked. We even decided before we were married that divorce would never be an option, which made me feel worse for considering it. That also made the pain of feeling tricked worse because I felt like maybe he wanted us to make that arrangement because he knew I would have reason to want to leave him.

Now, I don’t consider ending my marriage. Even if it gets really bad again (which I hope it won’t, but really, who knows), I am dedicated to making it work. Even when I go to the temple alone. Even though I have to keep secrets from everyone I know and love. I love my husband more than the trials that come because of his addiction. Until he is ready for people to know this is one of our trials, I am okay keeping it to myself. I do hope that one day (soon? kind of?), he will feel comfortable enough to say, “Yeah, I struggle with this. But I am trying to heal.” He could be a great strength to people, I just know it.

At this point down our road to recovery, I would like to share with you a few of the big things I have learned. And, if anyone would like to add to this list, email me, and I will post it J

      1.  Addicts can change. So often, I hear really judgmental statements about addicts or former addicts. It breaks my heart when I hear such negative things. Yeah, some people don’t change. Some people may not be willing to change, but everyone can change. And we really don’t know what is in an addict’s heart. My husband is having a hard time letting completely go of his addiction, and he still messes up, but have I completely let go of my addictions? Have I completely let go of my anger? Am I perfect? No. So, I feel that my job is to be compassionate and loving. Supportive and encouraging. I don’t condone his behavior, but I also try not to judge him. I try to listen and love. Really, through my recovery process, I have found myself trying to be more like the Savior. “He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone” (John 8:7).

      2. My husband’s addiction is not a reflection of how poorly I fulfill him. I am not at fault for his actions regarding his sexual addiction. I think many people with a loved one who struggles with addiction blame themselves for whatever reason, but we are not to blame. It is something that the addict has struggled with for a long time, and it is way beyond us. So, if you are struggling with the self-blame game, turn it over to God. Let the Savior take that pain from you.

      3. The addict already has a Savior. I don’t need to try to be his savior. I do need to bear my testimony of the Savior and help my husband see the light when he is clouded in darkness. But, it’s not my responsibility to carry his pain. The Savior can help me with that.

      4. The Savior can change me. 

So, like I said, we are approaching step 7, which is humility. Are you ready? I am (next post).

Christ can carry me

Today, I was thinking of one of our trials, and I started getting really irritated about it. I know, I know, me? Irritated? No way ;)

But seriously, I was super mad/annoyed at this trial because I feel like it's just not fair, and quite honestly, I am tired of things being hard. This particular trial is one that is getting really hard right now. It has been ongoing for a few months, but it is finally now that I am getting to the point where I don't know if I can keep holding on. For a second, I was kind of mad at God and expecting Him to take it away...

What am I doing right now? Well, I'm working on a change of heart. I have a lot of work to do still, obviously. But we all do. As I was thinking about this trial and reflecting on my attitude, I realized that now is not the time to turn away from God and be mad. He is shaping me into something only He sees, something better.

Now is the time in this trial where God is watching me to see what I do. Will I lean on Him more, or will I decide I am fed up and move on without faith?

I choose to lean on Him in faith. I choose to build my strength and become the good and faithful servant I want to be.

"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them" (Book of Mormon, Ether, Chapter 12, Verse 27).

I will turn my weaknesses over to The Lord so He can help care for me and make me stronger. Life is a journey. It's not easy. It isn't supposed to be easy. My trials are still hard, and some days I feel like I am in the middle if a marathon, but, if I let Him, Christ will carry me when I can no longer walk.