He is Near

This week has been amazing. And by amazing, I mean it amazes me how horribly hard this week has been. It's amazed me how much worse this addiction impacts my life than I thought it did. My husband has amazed me--in a really awful kind of way--twice this week.

But it has amazed me how much light, peace, and beauty can be found in such a time as this.

I'm not here to rag on my husband. I'm not here to tell you about the recent horrible disclosure and how I don't know when I will be able to trust him fully again. I'm not here to tell you about the many tears shed this week, and how I've been just going through the motions every day. And I'm not here to tell you that I hate him and want a divorce (because I don't, by the way).

I'm here to tell you that God has a plan for each of us. I'm here to tell you that God loves me, and He loves you more than you can imagine. I'm here to tell you that you are not alone. You're never alone. He is always there. Sometimes you can't feel Him. Sometimes the darkness seems so thick that it is all you can do to lift your head up, look forward, and hold on to something. Sometimes you want to scream and break things. You want to run and hide. You want to cry your eyeballs out, eat some brownies, and cry some more.

That's okay. He is still with you.

In many ways, my life is falling apart all around me. But one thing is constant: God. He has circled me with His arms in love many times. He has whispered promptings. He has sent angels of mercy to look after me and make sure I'm okay. He has surrounded me with clouds of love, and the love I have felt from on High this week has been so powerful, that I am in tears as I write this.

He loves me. He really, truly, loves me.

He holds me.

He carries me.

I'm not alone in my pain. He has felt it, and He aches for the suffering I am enduring because of my husband. But He has blessed me with grace and mercy, and I am finding this to be an opportunity. I have an opportunity to grow closer to my Father and Elder Brother. I have an opportunity to feel light and share it with others around me. I have an opportunity to trust in the most divine Being and learn how He can really catch me when I fall. I have an opportunity to reach out to others and share my testimony of God's love.

I'm grateful for the strength I am gaining. I am grateful for the faith, understanding, and perspective I am gaining. I am grateful for charity. I am grateful for hope. I am grateful for peace. I am grateful for angels, both in Heaven and on Earth.

I am grateful for my Savior, for it is through Him that I know I can be saved. And it is through Him that I know my husband can be saved. It is through Him that I know I will make it through this experience. And it is through Him that I will be able to forgive and trust my husband again one day.

This is how I described how I feel in my journal this morning:

"I will be okay. I have felt immeasurable amounts of love this week. I know I am being carried by God. I don't know exactly how to describe it, but I hope I can remember this feeling forever. It's like I'm floating on treacherous waves, and God has reached His hand out to pull me up onto the raft. On this raft is the only speck of sun. The sun is shining down on me because He is with me, and in that spot, the water is calm. I know the tossing waves won't throw me off the raft because He has given me peace in my exact landing spot.

"I know I'm not alone. I see it in the love everyone is showing me right now. I see it in the concern of friends volunteering to do anything for me. I see it in my dog who loves me. I see it in my little sister. I see it in the scriptures, and the things I am learning. I see it in the Mormon Messages I watch. I see it in words of the apostles. 

"I feel His love all around me. I know He is guiding our lives. I also know He wants us to succeed, and He won't give up on us. I know I am nothing without Him. He allows me to do all I need to do. I am alive in Him. I am alive because He wants me to be. He is lifting me up. He has never left me, and He never will. I know that. I hope I can hang on to that for the rest of my life."

God has a plan for each of us. I know that the stuff that has happened this week needed to happen. I'm seeing many things fit together and how they have all been part of the plan to get us where we need to go. We do have our agency, but if we can use that agency to do God's will, the plan will work out. If we follow God, we will reach our potential. 

I fear the pain of the road ahead. I could give up now, but I'm not going to. I know that right now, all I am supposed to do is take care of myself, and let God take care of the rest. He will protect me as I travel this road. 

And I hope for the beauty that my marriage can be. I can see it clearly. I really can see it. There is a goal in sight, and that is helping me hang on. 

Look for God's love. It is there, but sometimes we get so depressed that we forget to actually see it and let it envelope our hearts. Look for it. Embrace Him, and you will find that He has already been embracing you.