Hold on to What You Know

My heart is so filled. I don't really know what I was expecting with my last post and hitting "share" on Facebook, but the response has been overwhelmingly beautiful. Thank you to everyone who was courageous enough to share my post. Thank you for everyone who was courageous enough to reach out to me (or others) and Ben. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. You are fighting with us!

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Yesterday, I talked to a dear friend on the phone for a very long time. It was the first time in years that we have been able to talk with so much vulnerability. I was brought to tears as I expressed my love for her, talked about my story, and the reasons why I hadn't been able to tell her. She, like many other people who have contacted me in the last couple of days, spoke of how my faith has been so touching.

Here's the thing. I don't feel like I am outstanding in any way. I don't feel like my faith is exceptionally strong, either. In fact, I want to tell you something:

I have really struggled with a faith crisis because of this. I have especially struggled over the past month, specifically since my episode with my bishop. That happened after the Togetherness Project, and while there, I had heard other horrible stories about church leaders. It all shook me to the core. How could men of the church be so cold and not understanding? And how could God let this happen to us? We didn't ask for this. My life is full of beautiful women, struggling to keep their life together because of this plague. Why can't God make this a little easier on us? You can see a little bit of my faith crisis coming through in this post, but it has run even deeper than just this.

So many times throughout this experience, I have been completely clouded in darkness. And you know what? I now understand why people would choose to leave the church, any church, and choose to not believe in God. It almost seems easier that way. It's so easy to forget the light and just sit in an angry fit of rage (Believe me, I've done it. And it's also made me miserable, and it's been that much harder to reach for the light again when I realized darkness was not what I wanted. Once you sit in darkness, the hole gets deeper. And maybe you don't want to crawl out. Or maybe it's just hard). And then, it's easy to just move on. I have seen so many women who have left the church or chosen not to believe in God, and they say they are so much happier. I have envied them little bit.

But I can't do that. Last week I thought long and hard about this, my faith crisis. I have a friend who found out just after the Togetherness Project (which she attended because she really connected with all of us, and I thank God that she did) that her ex-husband was addicted to pornography. It sent her spiraling. As we talked on the phone about it, and she was really struggling, I said, "Wendy, hold on to what you know." I'm so glad I said that to her because she has now said that to me several times, and it keeps me going.

Because of revelation I have received, because of the light I have felt, and because I feel that I truly know God and Jesus Christ, I just can't choose to leave my church or God. I know too much.

I know that God lives. I know I have a loving Father in Heaven who is just as distraught as I am that this is happening to me. He doesn't want to see me in pain, but He is letting me work through it and find my path to Him. He has given me tools to get there. He has a plan, and I am trying to follow it. As I follow His guidance, I will find joy and happiness in the process of returning to Him. Most importantly, my Father has provided me with a Savior. I know this. I know I can lean on Jesus Christ not only to repent when I do wrong, but also to protect me, guide me, and give me healing for the pains I am suffering.

I am holding on to that. I am clinging to what I know.

I also know without a doubt that the Book of Mormon is true. Reading it has changed me, especially this time around. I finished it earlier this year and immediately started over. And since I started over, I have found so much to be applicable to my life and my journey to find Christ (and since I started over is when all hell broke loose in our marriage, so it was even more crucial for me to find the stuff I'm finding in that book). I can't deny that. I can't deny what I know. And that is why I can't let it go.

I have been able to see through this pain to know that God has a plan for me. I have tried so hard to stay close to him (except for when I haven't). Going "public" with my blog was a really scary thing. But, like I said, it's been beautiful. I feel truly humbled. I have incredibly seen how God has, in fact, been guiding me to this point. Had we not followed the prompting to share our stories, I wouldn't have met so many amazing people. And those who have come to me in complete gratitude would not have been touched the way they were.

I'm sincerely not saying any of this to brag. I am just completely in awe of how God has allowed me to be His servant and a hand of light for Him. Because of all of you, I feel even more inspired to continue staying on the path that I am walking. I am grateful to YOU for how you have touched my life.


I know what I have said in this post could be controversial to some. I wouldn't want anyone to think I am being self-righteous or judge those who have left the church (any church) or chosen to not believe in God. I respect everyone's ability to choose for themselves, and I certainly don't judge anyone for making choices they have made in efforts to come to peace with their life. This is just my story and my testimony. Please respect what I have to say as much as I respect what you have to say.

God's Love: True Love

Coincidentally with Valentine's Day, I've thought about love a lot this week (not intentional, but well-timed I guess).

This week has been a doozy. I felt completely unprepared for the black hole of emotions that swirled around me. I discovered, though, that I have actually been very prepared for this in quite a lot of ways, and the week went way better than similar weeks in the past.

Earlier in the week, I went a couple of days barely talking to Ben (we only talked when I called him to make sure he was okay) as a boundary that needed to exist for some healing to take place because of recent actions on his part. And when I started talking to him again, we still didn't talk very much. It was really hard, to put it simply.

All week, I've thought a lot about our marriage and love. I thought about times when I felt love was strong, and I thought about times when I felt love was weak. I questioned what was going on with my love in that current moment. I thought about the love that friends and family have shown me. I thought of the love of my students. And I focused the most on God's love.

I'm a survivor. I survived this week (and many other hellish weeks in the past few years) because of God's love. At a time when I thought about giving up, He gave me the strength to go on. He has blessed me in so many ways that I can't even count.

Ever since the new year started, I've been getting up extra early to study my scriptures before I go to school. As a result of that extra effort, along with countless prayers begging God to help me feel an increase in love for the people around me, I've felt a change in my spirit. I've felt an increase of love, patience, and strength (sometimes very slight--but still an increase). I'm realizing more and more the power of using the Atonement in my daily life. Sometimes, I feel like I haven't quite figured out what that means, but I know that by putting in the effort, I am being blessed. Sometimes the only I feel like I can do to acknowledge His hand in my life is to say, "I know that I couldn't do this without you. If you weren't helping me through this, I'd be a goner. Thank you." But sometimes, I am able to relate to His sacrifice and really understand how He has felt my pain and can lift me up.

This week, I finished the Book of Mormon. And then I did an amazing thing (this has seriously never happened to me): I decided to start it over again--immediately! I was so excited when I finished the Book of Mormon, that I wanted to read it all over again, and I'm focusing on recognizing God's love as I read. Reading it this time around has been so amazing: I'm finding many parallels to my life. As I read and discover the ways God has blessed His servants, it makes it a little easier to see how He is blessing me, especially when I'm suffering. He is there. He is always there, and He loves me.

My relationship with Him is improving. I'm turning to Him more and showing more faith. I'm understanding what it means to have charity. I'm feeling more love for people I don't even know because I can look at them and see a child of God.

Ultimately, everything I'm learning about love and my relationship with God has really helped me in my relationship with Ben. You may have read his recent post: Seeking Christ. In this post, he talks about my reaction to his latest confession. First, I asked him not to contact me. That was because I needed to process and didn't want to be disturbed or stressed by him trying to talk to me. During that time, I was teaching. But in the back of my mind, I was asking myself what Christ would do. I love Ben. I was angry, frustrated, and hurt, but I love him and wanted to show him that. I also knew that God loves him, and after much thought and prayers in my heart (for compassion), I decided what Ben really needed was to feel loved and understood while I still enforced my boundaries. The messages I sent him were a direct result of seeking love and compassion.

As I prayerfully sought what to say, I literally felt my heart swell. I felt love. It wasn't a romantic love. It was just a deep-rooted, spiritual love. A kind of brotherly love.

That feeling of love has stayed with me all week, and even though our relationship has struggled, I've most felt firm in my decision to continue to be with him. I see his potential. I know what he can become, and he is working to get there. He has made leaps of progress in the past few years, and I love him for that. He is making a huge sacrifice in his life (trying to overcome an addiction is a huge sacrifice), and he is having a hard time too.

Even though I have a deep-rooted love, I was afraid for Ben to come home this weekend. I was afraid that it would be stupid, like last weekend was. I was afraid that I would be excited for him to leave again, and that this weekend would just be a big blob of nothingness, or pain, in my life. But ever since he came home, things have been really good. I've actually felt closer to him, and I've felt a stronger sense of love, than I have in a long time. Which is actually really surprising to me. But that, in itself, is a tender mercy--a sign of God's love. He is still blessing me.

Today, during the sacrament, I was overcome with love. I felt so much love from and for God. I felt so much love from and for Ben. And then I had this moment of feeling like everything is worth it: the pain, the heartache, the loneliness, the sleepless nights, the crying. All of it. Because without those, I wouldn't know how bright God's light could shine in my life. I wouldn't know the power of deep love. I wouldn't know how happy I could truly feel in the midst of darkness. 



I know it doesn't work out for everyone in my situation. I hope no one has taken this post as me saying that you have to pray or study your scriptures more and that if you do, God will bless you with great amounts of love in your marriage, and all the wrongs will be cured. It's not that way. We all have different situations and different husbands. The only way it is working the way it is (and trust me, this is all looking back. I don't necessarily always have a great attitude) because we are both putting forth effort to reach God and pull Him into our relationship. Sometimes we don't do a great job, and I definitely don't always feel so at peace with things, so during moments like this I like to write it all down. That way, I can look back in times of hopelessness and discover hope and strength again.

PS, he posted at the same time as me. You should read it. It kind of made me cry.

I am important!

Things have been going really great lately. So, this morning when I was overcome with stress and felt the Darkness coming in, it freaked me out a little bit. I was trying to piece things together in my head and push it all away for another time while I studied my scriptures and read through my love dare for the day, when Jack, who was getting ready for work, came to give me a hug. He felt something was wrong, and asked if I was okay.

I always want him to notice and ask me if I'm okay. I always want him to notice without me telling him. He's a guy, though, so he usually doesn't or just doesn't know how to approach it. It kind of caught me off-guard, and I didn't know what to say, especially since I had been trying to hide it all until after he left. He had to leave in ten minutes, and I felt like any explanation I could give him would require more than a ten-minute discussion. After a moment of silence and hesitation, I said, "The Love Dare is hard." [and that is a post for a different day.] In my frustration, I cried a little. The real reason I was being weird was not the Love Dare. That was only a small part of it, which was indeed making it worse. But that wasn't the root of my issues this morning.

After another moment of hesitation, I released the real issue: "I'm really stressed about the Togetherness Project. I really want to go, but I just don't think it's do-able. The flight is too expensive for us, and I don't know how it will work with school. I don't know what will be happening at that time, and maybe it's a time when I won't be able to leave. [ps we are living with my parents right now because of our financial woes. My parents are not in on the addiction secrecy... Jack doesn't feel comfortable with anyone in our families knowing] I don't know how I will just leave for a weekend without having to have some explanation for my family, either. And I don't know how I can spend a weekend in Salt Lake without your family knowing, and I miss your family so much! I don't feel like it's even fair to go for the Togetherness Project and not visit your family, but then we would have to explain why I'm there without you. Plus, we need to get into a house. This will set us back, and it makes me feel so selfish." I buried my face in my hands and started crying.

He came and sat by me on the couch, took my hands, looked me in the eyes and said, "You know what I think is happening?"

"Satan?" I whispered.

"Yeah. Whenever you've talked about the Togetherness Project, you light up. You really want to go. And it will be really good for you to go. Satan knows that, and he wants to make it seem impossible. He wants to overwhelm you and make you feel miserable about it so you won't go. Don't worry about the money. We will figure it out. We both have jobs now [even though I don't get my first teacher paycheck until the end of August], so we can afford it better than you think. And it won't set us back very much in moving out of your parents' house and into our own. It will be okay. Don't worry about it."

I kept talking about the things stressing me out about this. I followed him around while he finished getting ready, and we kept discussing it. Finally, right before he left, he said, "Just remember that you are important. This is important. It's a priority for you to go. Satan wants you to feel like you aren't important, that your recovery and healing aren't important. He doesn't want you to feel the peace and validation you are going to feel while you are there. You are important. Apply for the scholarship, and we will make it all work out."

I love him. His being in tune with my needs this morning was amazing. He said exactly what I needed to hear. He validated me. He gave me perspective. He saw the root of my feelings, and that was darkness from Satan. He knows how it works. I know how it works, but sometimes I second-guess it when it's happening to me.

I'm grateful to have such a thoughtful, smart husband. I'm grateful that he cares and is willing to make the financial sacrifice to ship me off to Utah for the Togetherness Project.

Amen, sistas! I'm applying for that scholarship!

From dark to light

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Yesterday I was scary. I was so angry and so depressed that I scared myself. At one (extreme) low point, one of my parents' dogs (we are watching the dogs while they are on vacation) was really annoying. I couldn't handle it anymore, so I just ran up to him, got down to his level, and screamed as loud and long as I could (don't worry though. He is a very non-judgmental dog. In fact, he seemed to think it was funny). I can't even describe it other than saying it felt very out of control and desperate. The feelings tied to it were terrifying. 

I prayed a lot yesterday. I studied my scriptures. I did a lot of good things to help with my depression and anxiety. Even though I felt out of control almost all day, by the time I was supposed to go out to this girl's night I helped put together, I was doing okay. And by the time I woke up this morning, I was happy. 

I have been happy today. HAPPY! I have had my moments where the bad tries to creep in, but I made the choice today to be happy, and I was. And it has been beautiful. 

I'm grateful for the sweet peace the gospel brings. I know this peace is from my Father and my Savior. I feel so incredibly blessed today. And, looking back, I am grateful for the darkness so I can relish the light even more. That's one good thing about trials.