Tuesday, May 20, 2014

I had no idea. Oh, the irony.

Preface: Read about our dating experience here.

When I think about our dating experiences and my decision to marry Ben, and when I think about where we are now, I often wonder why I married him. Did I actually love him or was I just in a rush to get married and start that fun, exciting phase of life? It's kind of hard to discern. And it's kind of hard to remember that far back when there is so much trauma fogging up the memory. Of course, I made the choice to marry him, but were my answers to prayers a type of cop out from making the actual decision myself? So many questions. So much trauma.

I think those thoughts are just trauma response. I think I know I loved him when I married him. I think I trust myself enough to know I wouldn't have made that decision lightly. But you can see how the pain of Betrayal Trauma runs its course.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I had no idea what I was getting into when I got married. Of course, I knew being married wasn't supposed to be a piece of cake. But we had a traumatic dating experience for a variety of reasons, so I never expected in my wildest dreams that he would be a source of trial in our marriage. I thought we were a team. I thought we had great communication and could work through anything. We've suffered through my back injuries. We've suffered through infertility. We've suffered through grandparents on both sides passing away. We've suffered through a car accident. We've had financial trouble. We've moved to two different states. We've dealt with crazy bosses. We've handled my unexplained physical ailments.

But nothing compares to what he has brought to our marriage. Nothing. 

Being married to a sex-addict is by far the most painful trial I've experienced. Now, put that on top of the other trials, and it's even more heavy. 

And put it on top of our dating relationship. All the questions. All the "I don't want to date you"s. The breaking-up. The "not being friends." The prayers begging God to help me figure this out--to help me figure out what the purpose is and to help me follow His plan. The thoughts I had of backing out. 

I have so many questions now. 

Mainly, is this right? Is this really what you wanted for me, God? Did I make up my spiritual experiences? Did I make up my answers to my prayers? Did you know Ben would do this to me? Did you know when I chose to marry him that we wouldn't even make it through our first year in bliss and harmony? Did you know he would one day talk about leaving me to live in sex sin? Did you know the addiction would come back to haunt our marriage? Did you know I would wonder about the sanctity of our marriage? Did you know I would be afraid I will be alone for all eternity? 

Of course He knew all of that. He is God. 

God sees the end from the beginning. I don't know why I felt so strongly that I should marry Ben. I'd like to think that we do have a divine mission to fulfill, as I felt after many prayers begging God to help me out. I'd also like to think it's because God trusted me with this, with Ben. And that maybe Ben needs me. And maybe God needs me to be a voice. Maybe He knew I could handle it. Maybe He knows we will make it through. Or maybe He knows we won't, but we will both gain eternal progress form this. I don't know. That's just all speculation.

I've spent a lot of time fighting being mad at God.

God is not the one to whom I should direct my anger. God didn't do this to me. It's part of life. It's all a result of agency. Ben's choices. Sometimes our trials are the result of another's actions. That is the case with me right now as I face this trial. I can't control it. It's happening, and I just have to work through it. It's also a result of my agency. I chose Ben. I choose Ben every day. I choose to do my best to follow God, and right now, I truly think God wants me to stay. So I stay. I choose to stay. And it's hard.  

I can trust God. He has truly been with me through all of this mess. While it's been hard and painful, He has not left me comfortless. I can [almost] always see the ways He is helping me.

This trial has definitely brought me to a faith crisis. I struggle in a lot of ways I didn't think possible a few years ago. A few years ago, I thought I was solid. But I know God is real and Christ is my Savior. Those two things are the most important. Those are the things I hold on to for now.

I know this is somehow part of the plan. I know I can learn from this. I know I am being made stronger. I know that God knows the way out. And I know that darkness is a part of life. Without darkness, depression, and despair, we would not be able to truly know the light. 

Ben messed up last week. 

The addiction ran its head through our door. 

Satan is running amok in both our heads. 

Sometimes, I don't feel so lucky.

I look back and wonder. God, what were you thinking all those times I prayed for help loving Ben? Is that what I'm supposed to do now? Will I only love him when I'm praying for love? 

I look back at all those times I felt so lucky. Oh the irony. He was so honest. So pure. So clean. So respectful. So patient. So wonderful. 

What. The. Hell. 

I hate addiction. I double hate sex-addiction. I hate pornography. I hate masturbation. I hate Satan. He needs a junk-punch. [ps. I do know Satan doesn't control us. I know Ben's choices are his choices. But I can still hate Satan. I'd rather direct my hatred at Satan right now.]

I hate that I've been robbed of innocence. I hate that I've been robbed of security and trust. I hate that I wonder if he will leave me to go live in sex sin--to sleep with hookers, go to strip clubs, and do whatever else. 

I hate that with a simple act, all security and trust I've built up can be robbed again. 

I hate the love-hate relationship I have with my husband. 

I hate that I want to scream and cry. All the time. Or most of the time. 

I hate that I want to punch holes in our walls and break every picture frame in our house. And burn all his stuff. 

I hate that my reality sucks sometimes. 

And I hate that other women can relate to me. I hate that they have gone through this too. [But I love you for the support you have given me. Thank you for being able to relate to me and reaching out to love me.]

Hatred is exhausting. But it's part of my life right now. Don't worry, it will pass and I'll move to another part of the process. But for this moment, I will allow myself to be bitter and angry, at least while I write this post. Getting it out and working through it will allow me to move on.

Remember all those times I felt so lucky? Oh the irony.

Read the next post here


  1. "If I had known it was going to hurt this much, I absolutely would never have married you."

    I said that. And I meant it. Every fiber of my being, I meant it. Here, on this side of this mountain (because I'm sure there will be MORE mountains), I'm grateful for how strong my quads are, how much my endurance has improved, and for my increased mental strength to get through the hard parts. On top of that mountain, I left something I'll never get back-- the knowledge that there is no way my husband would ever, ever cheat on me. That's gone. It's a real possibility. And that sucks. I hate that we have to make space for that.

    And lady, you'll never have to spend eternity alone. All of us WoPAs get a pretty sweet sliver of heaven, I'm certain.

  2. It does stink. I hate that I identify so much with this post. I just have to think there has to be some reason we have to go through this.

  3. I'm going to re-use a quote that is currently on my wall from one of my favorite WoPA's (you!). "Hold onto the things that you know" It is 100% ok to question yourself and God but try to go back and remember those Spiritual promptings you had back then. I had the same ones when I prayed about marrying Peter and now I'm divorced and I wonder what the heck happened. Free agency is a bitch sometimes but it is vital in becoming who we need to become to live with our Heavenly Father someday. Ben has his agency and as scary as that is, I believe God DOES have a vital mission for you to fulfill on this earth. I hate that there is so much pain involved in this but there is also beauty because of it. For me, it has been meeting all of you and learning more about myself. I try to remember the beauty when I'm in the deepest feelings of pain to remind myself that I can come out on top in the end.