Wednesday, May 7, 2014

The Presence of Angels

I've had a hard time being motivated by anything lately. Last week, I allowed the whole bishop thing to push me into a trauma-depression--well, that along with some things regarding Ben and our relationship. I fought for a couple of days to not go into depression, but then I gave up. I think I needed to just wallow in some pain and allow myself to do NOTHING with my life for a few days. Nothing, except survive. And I did.

Sunday, I fasted for me, Ben, and some of my Warrior Sisters who have also been having a hard time. My fast (or possibly my change of heart about some things) helped me rise above the depression. I was literally carried by Christ. I know it.

When I went to group Sunday night, I wasn't sure what to share. It was the first time I ever considered just not sharing. But, I decided to share a little about my week. As I rambled about the bishop thing and my depression, I realized the point I needed to share: God never lets us alone.

Sometimes I feel alone. I definitely did while I was in that dark, lonely place called depression. It wasn't until I started having really ugly thoughts that I reached out to make sure I was not spending my days alone and possibly become a danger to myself.

But I wasn't alone. I was sent angels in the way of friends to lift me up. People to make me laugh. People to call me and make sure I was okay. People to invite me to come over (and play with their kids). A husband to help me with dinner. Scriptures that fell open to the exact verses I needed.

I was given angels to give me strength to go on. Especially Sunday. I thought Friday was bad--that is until I got to Saturday. Then I thought Saturday was bad. Until I got to Sunday. Sunday was BAD (in the morning). It took every ounce of energy to go to church. To stay at church. To fulfill my calling (nursery). To attend our weekly meeting with bishop... But I did it. I did all those things, and with each thing I did, I felt more brave and more strong, and after church, I felt so much peace. (By the way, our meeting with bishop did not go super well...I didn't address the issues I already had. I just couldn't. It was too raw. I just tried to speak as little as possible. Long story. But anyway, the visit validated my dislike for him. Which I hate saying. But I'm glad I went because I feel validated, and I wouldn't have felt that had I chickened out and not gone in to the meeting.)

I was given strength to make it through Monday. And Tuesday.

I can feel the depression and despair lurking under the surface. I'm allowing myself to acknowledge that they are there (because if I don't acknowledge them, they will fight their way to the top and make sure they are acknowledged--in a very bad way), but I am not allowing them to rule me. I feel fear and anxiety threatening, but I'm not allowing them to dictate me either. I made a list of things that need to get done this week, and I'm slowly working my way down the list. If I need chill time, I have books to read while I curl up and chill. But other than that, I'm hitting my to-do list like a fat kid hits a buffet.

I know God hasn't left me. I've left Him hanging a bit, out of anger and not really knowing what else to do, but I know He hasn't left me. I know He is heartbroken over the situation I'm in. I know He wishes He could change it, but if He did, that would require Him to take away some people's agency, including mine. He is letting me work through this mess and heal, and He is giving me things that will help without taking away anyone's agency.

I know God has given me angels. And strength.

I know there is a purpose to all of this trauma and depression. I'm discovering it little by little.

I know I'm not alone. I'm never alone.

Sometimes it's hard to hold on to those truths. There are definitely things I'm questioning that I thought I would never question. But, the important thing for me is to hold on to what I know. If I can hold on to what I know, no one (ahem...Satan) will wreck me, and I will be okay.

Lots of my fellow warrior sisters had a hard week last week. And are still having a hard week. I'm praying for you multiple times a day. Just so you know.

This song came on my recovery playlist the other day while I was feeling depressed. I felt like it was dedicated to me from God. Now, here's to you:


  1. "Hold on to what you know." That is my favorite advice you gave me this week. I am stronger because of your strength, Kilee. We can do this. We are stronger than our trauma makes us feel. We are able to overcome things we don't believe we can overcome.

  2. So, I just posted a long ramble-y novel on my blog. And then I came and read this. I'm in tears. I feel like you wrote it just for me. So, thanks. :)

  3. Thanks ladies! You are really sweet, and I love you.