There have been a few times that I've been tempted to quit the Love Dare. The main thing that keeps me going is the fact that I felt inspired to do this, and I know that God wants me to do it for a reason.
The thing that makes it so hard is how selfless you are supposed to be. I've never thought of myself as that selfish of a person, but I have felt selfish as I've done this Dare (even though much of the selfless acts come naturally to me). I thought a lot about that yesterday, and I think I figured out my main issues with the Love Dare. Knowing these issues really helped me yesterday, and I think I can move forward more peacefully.
I am the wife of a sex-addict. I've experienced a lot of hurt. I've experienced my fair share of selflessness. The reasons I'm selfish are mainly for emotional protection. If I'm not selfish, if I give of myself too much, I risk being trampled on and hurt even more. I'm almost always on guard because of an inner self-protection. I've lived emotionally on guard for the past three and a half years (before we were married for different reasons that are a whole separate story). Things were only calm for three weeks between the wedding and my car accident. Then, the emotional trauma got worse from my brain injury and other results of the accident. Our relationship hit a bad spot with our lack of intimacy due to my injuries and his turning to porn and masturbation during that time. When I first learned of his addiction, my self-protection kicked in even more, and I've been on an emotional roller coaster ever since.
I've been hurt badly. The reasons I'm selfish are for my sanity or because of a developed reaction to things. Looking at it all, it's no wonder that it's so hard to give up selfish and become selfless. It feels physically painful at times to make that change. I've had my days during the past week of the Love Dare where I have wondered if he even realizes how much I am giving of myself and if he will notice and follow my example and do something nice for me (selfish, but we all enjoy being served and feeling appreciated). When you are already hurting, it's incredibly hard to only think of the other's well-being and ignore your selfish wants or needs.
I decided that in this book, some things are a little extreme. Or maybe I'm just reading into it way too much. Either way, I've made some realizations and changes as I've gone through the Dare that help me do it better.
I'm not ignoring my wants or needs. I can't be so selfless that I forget to take care of myself. I don't think that's healthy. We all have needs. We all have wants that feel like needs. We all experience emotion. It's not healthy to push those off and ignore them. At least, it's not healthy for me. When I am pushing things away to just focus on Jack (or anyone else), I experience some major anxiety, stress, and overwhelmedness (I just made that word up). I physically can't just not let my needs be met. I can't. Or else I turn into Monsterwoman. I like to serve, and I like being selfless and turning to Christ's way, but I can't ignore what I feel. I have to be validated. I have to let myself feel. It's just a matter of what I do with those feelings--if I handle them appropriately or not.
Through all of these dares (love is patient, love is kind, love is not selfish, love is thoughtful, love is not rude, love is not irritable, love believes the best), I've been able to reflect a lot on things and learn about myself. The things I do that harm our relationship the most are 1) my tone of voice or how I talk to him when I am hurting, and 2) my actions when I am hurting.
Just because I'm hurting doesn't give me the right to lash out and do or say things to drag him down with me. Besides, he's already down. He's already wounded. He's already seeking healing and trying to overcome the devil, so why should I make it worse?
As I have sought to be less negative and angry, more patient and loving, more selfless and caring, and less rude and irritable, I've found more positive and constructive outlets for me and my relationship with him.
On the days I couldn't say anything negative, I had to leave the conversation for a time, pray, and really turn it over to God so I could come back. When I came back, I was able to address the problem in a more constructive and positive way--with communication that didn't just make him shut down.
On the day I focused on selflessness, I did something that really made him happy, and it made me happy.
Yesterday was "love is not irritable." This was the best self-reflective day for me. The chapter broke down reasons why people are irritable. As I pondered the chapter and Bible verses, I realized that the main reasons I do lash out or get irritable really easily (such as when the noises his throat makes when he eats really annoy me and other stupid stuff like that) are from STRESS.
About a year ago, I made a list of stressors because I realized that my stress was playing a huge role in our relationship and my ability to cope with things. I put that list on my nightstand and looked at it every day to remind myself that those things were stressing me out. It sounds weird, but it put things into perspective for me to see that those were my stressors and that most of the things that made me mad in our relationship were really because of a build-up of stress. I worked on balance and peace. Those were topics I studied a lot in my scripture study, and I was able to be okay.
Yesterday, I made a new list. My stress list is 15 ITEMS LONG. 15! Those aren't even little things. Those are HUGE things that really have an impact on my sanity and peace. No wonder I feel like I'm falling apart at the seams sometimes.
I was able to take that list and ponder the Atonement. I prayed and gained strength. I thought about where I can add margin and breathing space. I prioritized. Throughout the day, whenever I got irritated, I reminded myself that my stress level is causing negative reactions and that I'm working on balance and being positive.
At dinner, something happened between Jack and me that really made me mad. After just a few minutes of trying to deal with it there, I just got up, threw my dinner plate in the sink, and stormed off to our room. While I laid on the bed fuming, I thought. I thought about my stressors. I thought about the decision I had made that morning to turn everything over to God. I felt stubborn pride and unwillingness to turn the issue over. Eventually, I prayed. I cried and told God how silly I felt, and I told Him that I desperately needed His help so I could quickly forgive and our night wouldn't be ruined. I felt peace. I forgave. And then I came out, we talked calmly about what had just happened. I calmly and peaceably explained why it had hurt me. He sincerely apologized (which was nice. Also, he did all the dishes while I was mad, which was also nice), and then we ate cookies and ice cream, played games, and watched Sherlock on Netflix. By the end of the night, the love was back. And it was strong.
I am really glad I'm doing this Dare even though it's hard at times. It's teaching me a lot about love and a lot about myself. I'm learning how to allow myself to balance feeling emotion and acting positively and constructively. I'm learning how to strengthen some of my weaknesses. I'm learning to turn myself over to God more often. I'm learning better communication. I'm learning the ins and outs of myself, and I feel like I'm starting to become the me I want to be. And I have more hope.
Showing posts with label weakness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label weakness. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
Thursday, June 13, 2013
Of kayaking trips and life lessons
I have a story. To make it sound less awkward, I decided today is the day to pick names for my husband and me on this blog. That way, I can call him by name instead of continuing to say "my husband" this and "my husband that."
He'll be Jack (his choice) and I'll be Marie.
We went kayaking today. We even invited my mom.
When we reached our destination (a spot on the lake that extends somewhere between 100-200 yards wide), I flopped out of my kayak (yes, I flopped. It was not at all graceful) to swim some laps.
I heard from our bishop's wife that swimming laps in the lake is so much better than in the fitness center.
The fitness center where we usually go to swim is a 20 minute drive away. It takes a long time for us to drive there, change, swim, shower and change, do my stretches, then drive home. We go 2-3 times a week, though, because I love swimming and it is the only form of exercise I am allowed to do right now.
I wanted to swim today. Jack wanted to kayak. Rather than taking two hours to swim at the fitness center and then take a small kayaking trip, we decided to try out the bishop wife's vision of swimming in the lake. I was excited! I've wanted to try swimming in the lake, but I just hadn't gotten around to it yet. This was the perfect opportunity.
Little did I know this was the perfect opportunity to test my weaknesses.
First of all, it's not like I don't have stuff to do. I have a lot of school business I am working on for next year along with my callings and assignment in the church. I had a plan for today. It was to get up (I got up WAY later than anticipated), study my scriptures, go kayaking/swimming, work on all that stuff I need to do, do the facilitator training modules (I'm a facilitator now, yay!), and prepare for and attend group.
When my day doesn't go according to plan, I tend to freak out a little bit (that is one of my weaknesses). Stress, anxiety, and fear start creeping in, and I get mean. I don't deal with changes to my plan very well. It's something I have been working on.
By the time we got to the lake, it was almost noon. I realized that my day was probably going to be shot, and I faced a choice: I could get irritated at everyone who made my day slower than it was supposed to be, or I could just get over it and enjoy our kayaking trip.
I chose to try to forget about the anger starting to creep in (SUCCESS!) and just enjoy the day (and not make any kind of scene in front of my mom, who also happened to be half the reason my day was getting so far off-plan). I told myself to just breathe and not freak out. In reality, I don't even have anything that has to be done by tomorrow. Everything will be fine if it doesn't get done today. I can relax and enjoy my summer days.
I got in my kayak first and let Jack and my mom push me out. The nose of the kayak went under and I started freaking out because I thought I was going to sink (fear and freaking out: weakness #2). As if I wasn't right by the shore...
My back tensed up (as it always done when I panic), and I told Jack I was scared that my back would hurt too much and maybe I shouldn't actually go out today. He told me to decide, and I remembered that I am being fearless now.
I started paddling.
When we reached our destination, I put on my goggles, kicked off my flip-flops, and flopped out of my kayak. I tied our kayaks together, and looked across the lake. Fear settled in the pit of my stomach. "I can't do this," I thought. "I am going to die." Have you ever had that feeling where you are so determined to do something cool, and then you realize that it's way more freaky than you thought? That's how I envision myself if I ever go sky-diving. It sounds really fun, but I bet right before jumping out of the plane, I would cry. I don't know if swimming laps in a lake sounds cool to you, but it did to me. The idea of it made me feel like I'm awesome, and I didn't even think about the fact that
1. Unlike a pool, I would have nowhere to stop and rest when I get tired. Even though I swim for half an hour at the pool, I take a couple of small breaks.
2. If I got tired in the middle of the lake, I could drown.
3. You can't see anything in a lake. I could barely see beyond my wrist.
And other thoughts ran through my mind, but I can't remember it all. Those were split-second thoughts. Really, in that moment, it felt like I was heading out into the ocean to swim for my life. Or that I had been shipwrecked and had to swim to shore.
I half-shrieked, "Jack, I'm scared!" I thought I was going to cry.
He looked at me like I was crazy. "Why are you scared?" I felt this undertone of "it's not like you can't swim for half an hour. You can swim across that."
I didn't really know why I was scared, but I was terrified. It was this huge wave of panic that I didn't really know what to do with (yet another weakness happening right here).
"Um, I think I'll drown."
"With me paddling right alongside you?"
"Um, I might get hit by a boat."
"Marie." He gave me his stop-being-afraid-of-stupid-things look. He was paddling alongside me for that specific purpose. So I wouldn't get hit by a boat. We planned that.
"I don't know."
My excuses were gone. And lame. And I'm supposed to be fearless. I started swimming.
Halfway across, I stopped to tread water and, in my panicky voice, yelled, "Come here come here come here COME HERE! I NEED TO HOLD ON TO YOUR KAYAK!!" He thought I was going to capsize him. I was more careful than that. I just needed to overcome my panic again and hold on to something for dear life.
I managed a full lap, stopping every so often to freak out. Then, I climbed (flopped) back into my kayak and laid in the sun, thinking.
It really wasn't so bad. Actually, I wanted to do it again. We paddled around some more so I could rest (climbing back up was HARD). He found a rope-swing to play on while I got to watch and laugh at him for a change. Then, I was ready for round two of swimming.
This time I got in the water with ease and started swimming without hesitation. I knew I wouldn't drown. I knew I could make it all the way across. I knew if anything happened, Jack was right there by my side.
I swam much quicker this time, and I didn't stop for any breaks. I just took breaths and strokes. I felt myself pull into my usual swimming rhythm.
During this round of swimming, I had time to think and take note of what was going on.
Before I got into the lake, I knew I wanted to swim across it. I even thought I would swim for half an hour, just like normal. Once I got into the water, everything changed. Fear sunk in. As I swam my first lap, I felt darkness around me. I had horrible thoughts entering my head, and I was seriously afraid for my life (it's dumb, I know. Haha, don't judge). I didn't think I would make it. I almost didn't want to make it. Part of me just wanted to get back in the kayak and pretend it hadn't even happened.
While I swam, I couldn't see anything. I couldn't even see my hand. I could see as far as my wrist. There could have been anything there, and I wouldn't have been able to see (really, there were only fish... I think. But I kept envisioning myself getting attacked by sharks or snakes or something horrible). In my head, there could have been anything there, and I wouldn't have known until it attacked.
It was a hard swim. It was harder than swimming in the pool. But it was so much more worth it in the end, and it was more fun. If anything bad had happened, my husband was right there to save me. He could reach out to me if I needed it, or I could reach out to him if I knew I needed it.
After making it the first time, I knew I could do the second lap.
I realized that terrifying little swim was like life.
Before I came to this earth, I knew I wanted to come. I may or may not have understood how hard it would be (I don't know). But I knew I wanted to come here. I knew it would be a great experience and would help me achieve my goal of proving myself worthy to live with Heavenly Father. During life, however, we are tempted by Satan. There are times when we are surrounded by darkness and can't see farther than "our wrist." There are times when we have to know and rely on our Savior, who is always watching over us. And there are times when we need to be humble and ask Him for help ourselves. We experience pain. We experience darkness. We experience numerous trials, and with each one we learn. With each one we realize we do have the strength (through Christ) and the tools, and we become better prepared for the next trial. We can keep pushing on, and we can become better and better through each trial.
I'm grateful that I had the strength to push past my fears and do what I knew I wanted to do. Actually, I needed to do this. I needed to experience those fear so I could face them.
I'm also grateful that I could pinpoint my weaknesses as they occurred today. It was a good little test, and I'm grateful I could try to find appropriate ways to deal with my stressors.
I see great progress here. Yes, I saw weakness, and yes, I was very full of fear at some points. But I didn't let it stop me. I pushed on, and even gained a life-lesson takeaway while I was at it.
SUCCESS.
He'll be Jack (his choice) and I'll be Marie.
 |
| Isn't this beautiful? We hiked here a few days ago. |
We went kayaking today. We even invited my mom.
When we reached our destination (a spot on the lake that extends somewhere between 100-200 yards wide), I flopped out of my kayak (yes, I flopped. It was not at all graceful) to swim some laps.
I heard from our bishop's wife that swimming laps in the lake is so much better than in the fitness center.
The fitness center where we usually go to swim is a 20 minute drive away. It takes a long time for us to drive there, change, swim, shower and change, do my stretches, then drive home. We go 2-3 times a week, though, because I love swimming and it is the only form of exercise I am allowed to do right now.
I wanted to swim today. Jack wanted to kayak. Rather than taking two hours to swim at the fitness center and then take a small kayaking trip, we decided to try out the bishop wife's vision of swimming in the lake. I was excited! I've wanted to try swimming in the lake, but I just hadn't gotten around to it yet. This was the perfect opportunity.
Little did I know this was the perfect opportunity to test my weaknesses.
First of all, it's not like I don't have stuff to do. I have a lot of school business I am working on for next year along with my callings and assignment in the church. I had a plan for today. It was to get up (I got up WAY later than anticipated), study my scriptures, go kayaking/swimming, work on all that stuff I need to do, do the facilitator training modules (I'm a facilitator now, yay!), and prepare for and attend group.
When my day doesn't go according to plan, I tend to freak out a little bit (that is one of my weaknesses). Stress, anxiety, and fear start creeping in, and I get mean. I don't deal with changes to my plan very well. It's something I have been working on.
By the time we got to the lake, it was almost noon. I realized that my day was probably going to be shot, and I faced a choice: I could get irritated at everyone who made my day slower than it was supposed to be, or I could just get over it and enjoy our kayaking trip.
I chose to try to forget about the anger starting to creep in (SUCCESS!) and just enjoy the day (and not make any kind of scene in front of my mom, who also happened to be half the reason my day was getting so far off-plan). I told myself to just breathe and not freak out. In reality, I don't even have anything that has to be done by tomorrow. Everything will be fine if it doesn't get done today. I can relax and enjoy my summer days.
I got in my kayak first and let Jack and my mom push me out. The nose of the kayak went under and I started freaking out because I thought I was going to sink (fear and freaking out: weakness #2). As if I wasn't right by the shore...
My back tensed up (as it always done when I panic), and I told Jack I was scared that my back would hurt too much and maybe I shouldn't actually go out today. He told me to decide, and I remembered that I am being fearless now.
I started paddling.
When we reached our destination, I put on my goggles, kicked off my flip-flops, and flopped out of my kayak. I tied our kayaks together, and looked across the lake. Fear settled in the pit of my stomach. "I can't do this," I thought. "I am going to die." Have you ever had that feeling where you are so determined to do something cool, and then you realize that it's way more freaky than you thought? That's how I envision myself if I ever go sky-diving. It sounds really fun, but I bet right before jumping out of the plane, I would cry. I don't know if swimming laps in a lake sounds cool to you, but it did to me. The idea of it made me feel like I'm awesome, and I didn't even think about the fact that
1. Unlike a pool, I would have nowhere to stop and rest when I get tired. Even though I swim for half an hour at the pool, I take a couple of small breaks.
2. If I got tired in the middle of the lake, I could drown.
3. You can't see anything in a lake. I could barely see beyond my wrist.
And other thoughts ran through my mind, but I can't remember it all. Those were split-second thoughts. Really, in that moment, it felt like I was heading out into the ocean to swim for my life. Or that I had been shipwrecked and had to swim to shore.
I half-shrieked, "Jack, I'm scared!" I thought I was going to cry.
He looked at me like I was crazy. "Why are you scared?" I felt this undertone of "it's not like you can't swim for half an hour. You can swim across that."
I didn't really know why I was scared, but I was terrified. It was this huge wave of panic that I didn't really know what to do with (yet another weakness happening right here).
"Um, I think I'll drown."
"With me paddling right alongside you?"
"Um, I might get hit by a boat."
"Marie." He gave me his stop-being-afraid-of-stupid-things look. He was paddling alongside me for that specific purpose. So I wouldn't get hit by a boat. We planned that.
"I don't know."
My excuses were gone. And lame. And I'm supposed to be fearless. I started swimming.
Halfway across, I stopped to tread water and, in my panicky voice, yelled, "Come here come here come here COME HERE! I NEED TO HOLD ON TO YOUR KAYAK!!" He thought I was going to capsize him. I was more careful than that. I just needed to overcome my panic again and hold on to something for dear life.
I managed a full lap, stopping every so often to freak out. Then, I climbed (flopped) back into my kayak and laid in the sun, thinking.
It really wasn't so bad. Actually, I wanted to do it again. We paddled around some more so I could rest (climbing back up was HARD). He found a rope-swing to play on while I got to watch and laugh at him for a change. Then, I was ready for round two of swimming.
This time I got in the water with ease and started swimming without hesitation. I knew I wouldn't drown. I knew I could make it all the way across. I knew if anything happened, Jack was right there by my side.
I swam much quicker this time, and I didn't stop for any breaks. I just took breaths and strokes. I felt myself pull into my usual swimming rhythm.
During this round of swimming, I had time to think and take note of what was going on.
Before I got into the lake, I knew I wanted to swim across it. I even thought I would swim for half an hour, just like normal. Once I got into the water, everything changed. Fear sunk in. As I swam my first lap, I felt darkness around me. I had horrible thoughts entering my head, and I was seriously afraid for my life (it's dumb, I know. Haha, don't judge). I didn't think I would make it. I almost didn't want to make it. Part of me just wanted to get back in the kayak and pretend it hadn't even happened.
While I swam, I couldn't see anything. I couldn't even see my hand. I could see as far as my wrist. There could have been anything there, and I wouldn't have been able to see (really, there were only fish... I think. But I kept envisioning myself getting attacked by sharks or snakes or something horrible). In my head, there could have been anything there, and I wouldn't have known until it attacked.
It was a hard swim. It was harder than swimming in the pool. But it was so much more worth it in the end, and it was more fun. If anything bad had happened, my husband was right there to save me. He could reach out to me if I needed it, or I could reach out to him if I knew I needed it.
After making it the first time, I knew I could do the second lap.
I realized that terrifying little swim was like life.
Before I came to this earth, I knew I wanted to come. I may or may not have understood how hard it would be (I don't know). But I knew I wanted to come here. I knew it would be a great experience and would help me achieve my goal of proving myself worthy to live with Heavenly Father. During life, however, we are tempted by Satan. There are times when we are surrounded by darkness and can't see farther than "our wrist." There are times when we have to know and rely on our Savior, who is always watching over us. And there are times when we need to be humble and ask Him for help ourselves. We experience pain. We experience darkness. We experience numerous trials, and with each one we learn. With each one we realize we do have the strength (through Christ) and the tools, and we become better prepared for the next trial. We can keep pushing on, and we can become better and better through each trial.
I'm grateful that I had the strength to push past my fears and do what I knew I wanted to do. Actually, I needed to do this. I needed to experience those fear so I could face them.
I'm also grateful that I could pinpoint my weaknesses as they occurred today. It was a good little test, and I'm grateful I could try to find appropriate ways to deal with my stressors.
I see great progress here. Yes, I saw weakness, and yes, I was very full of fear at some points. But I didn't let it stop me. I pushed on, and even gained a life-lesson takeaway while I was at it.
SUCCESS.
Thursday, May 30, 2013
Weakness and change. And PMS
It's been a while since I read the Healing Through Christ workbook. Why? I'm not sure. I think just because I have been writing this blog and doing the 12 steps through LDS Family Services. But I definitely need to incorporate more Healing Through Christ.
Today, I started reading through step 7 because of how *blah* I have been feeling for the past day or two. I found a lot of awesome stuff that supports me and reminds me that what I am feeling is normal.
I was reminded that when I start trying to overcome my weaknesses, I won't change all at once. I mean, I knew that, but like I said yesterday, I have been expecting too much perfection from myself. I have barely allowed myself to breathe. I have gotten down on myself every time I have messed up, and I haven't been very forgiving of myself (step 8: forgiveness, coming up soon!).
I was also reminded to take things one day at a time. I will have days where I can overcome my weaknesses. And I will have days where it's really hard, or I feel like I can't, or I just don't want to (cough cough... today). AND THAT IS OKAY! It's okay. My healing is a process. Where there is a process, there are cycles. And that is more than okay. That is normal! I'm normal. Woo hoo.
I loved this quote by Elder Hafen. When I read it, I was like AMEN.
"Struggling with those problems is at the very core of life's purpose. As we draw close to God, He will show us our weaknesses and through them make us wiser, stronger. If you're seeing more of your weaknesses that just might mean you're moving nearer to God, not farther away." (Healing Through Christ pg 68).
I do know I am moving closer to God. I can see it, even though I am stubborn and rebellious some days. It's okay. I am seeing more weaknesses, but that is because I am more in tune with the Spirit and more sensitive. Yay.
BTW, on a less serious note, yesterday, I mentioned that I'm PMSing. That is definitely part of my issues and negativity. And I kind of don't care right now.
:) This just about sums up PMS (for me, anyway):
Today, I started reading through step 7 because of how *blah* I have been feeling for the past day or two. I found a lot of awesome stuff that supports me and reminds me that what I am feeling is normal.
I was reminded that when I start trying to overcome my weaknesses, I won't change all at once. I mean, I knew that, but like I said yesterday, I have been expecting too much perfection from myself. I have barely allowed myself to breathe. I have gotten down on myself every time I have messed up, and I haven't been very forgiving of myself (step 8: forgiveness, coming up soon!).
I was also reminded to take things one day at a time. I will have days where I can overcome my weaknesses. And I will have days where it's really hard, or I feel like I can't, or I just don't want to (cough cough... today). AND THAT IS OKAY! It's okay. My healing is a process. Where there is a process, there are cycles. And that is more than okay. That is normal! I'm normal. Woo hoo.
I loved this quote by Elder Hafen. When I read it, I was like AMEN.
"Struggling with those problems is at the very core of life's purpose. As we draw close to God, He will show us our weaknesses and through them make us wiser, stronger. If you're seeing more of your weaknesses that just might mean you're moving nearer to God, not farther away." (Healing Through Christ pg 68).
I do know I am moving closer to God. I can see it, even though I am stubborn and rebellious some days. It's okay. I am seeing more weaknesses, but that is because I am more in tune with the Spirit and more sensitive. Yay.
BTW, on a less serious note, yesterday, I mentioned that I'm PMSing. That is definitely part of my issues and negativity. And I kind of don't care right now.
:) This just about sums up PMS (for me, anyway):
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Monday, May 27, 2013
A prayer for humility: and the aftermath
The past week has been a whirlwind. Crazy. My husband called the weekend alone the weekend from hell.
One night, I can't remember which one, I was thinking about what I'm doing for step 7. What am I doing to turn my weaknesses over to God and let Him help remove them? As I thought, I just felt that I needed to pray. I haven't been able to get much alone time to pray. So I took advantage of that time, and I prayed.
Basically, I told God everything I had been thinking and my fears of really turning over my weaknesses to Him. As I prayed, I soon found myself telling Him that I know the one thing I really need is practice strengthening my weaknesses. I asked for opportunities to practice patience, dealing positively with change, not stressing to the max, and not blaming my husband for things just because I don't want to take responsibility.
It scared me that I prayed for that. I felt a lot of peace, and I knew I needed experiences to help strengthen my weaknesses and turn to God, but really. The idea of what could be coming my way was a little on the frightening side.
Without going into detail, let's just say that my prayer was most definitely answered. From that point on, I experienced A LOT of high stress situations. Many times, I had to ask myself what was going on and remind myself to think humility.
Actually, praying so vocally and heartfully (I think I just made up that word?) about humility that one night made it easier to remember humility when the situations arose. Whether it was a big or little situation, I thought humility, and then I felt peace. It helped keep my eyes open to what was going on and what I needed to do, rather than shutting down.
I was definitely not perfect. There were times when I felt like I was being completely overcome by Satan. Sometimes, I had to tell my husband to just let me lay on the bed while I battled it out in my mind. Sometimes I had to battle spur of the moment and try not to do something crazy because of my wrath or stress that was setting in.
This is the visual that always came to mind: I'm laying in a cold, dark room--fighting darkness, anger, and/or stress. It's overwhelming. I feel like I am trapped in a corner, with Evil approaching me with handcuffs. Evil is asking me if I want to do this the easy or hard way. I think of my options. I can give up and let darkness set in. And I fail. Or I can let someone save me. I see light. I pray. Eventually, I win.
That win was sometimes just barely, and I still needed to repent for harm done to others while I battled with myself.
The good thing was I managed all of the tough things that came my way this past week. During the times that I started falling too far into darkness, I could at least see what I was doing. I could see where my actions were hurting others around me, and I was quick to apologize. There were even times where I said, hey right now I am battling some extremely stressful emotions, so please don't take anything personally that happens in the next ten minutes.
I'm still learning, but I would definitely say this week helped me go a long way. I'm not perfect, but my I feel more purified.
While I worked on fixing my weaknesses, my husband and I grew much closer together. I can't really pinpoint why or how, but I do know that the main reason why is because that will happen when we are both working on drawing closer to Christ. He and I have both been making great strides. As we have drawn closer to Christ, we have moved even closer together too. We (I) have even been able to feel safer with intimacy.
I'm still afraid for relapses. But, I'm trying not to worry about that until it happens. I have learned that I need to take things one day at a time and focus on things as they come at me.
With that, I'm starting this week on a more hopeful note, and I hope that it won't be as stressful as it looks like it will be. But, I expect myself to keep turning my weaknesses and trials over to God, and I expect myself to continue being humble.
Sunday, May 5, 2013
Working on overcoming weakness
I have been sitting here staring at my computer screen because I feel like I should write a post. However, for a long time, nothing has really come to me to write. Then, I started writing this, and words from my favorite sacrament hymn came to mind, so I'll start there.
"Reverently and Meekly Now" (LDS hymnbook #185) is one of my all time favorites! Verses 3 and 4 are the ones that really get me:
"At the throne I intercede;
For thee ever do I plead.
I have loved thee as thy friend,
With a love that cannot end.
Be obedient, I implore,
Prayerful, watchful evermore,
And be constant unto me,
That thy Savior I may be."
I love this hymn because 1) it is written as if Christ was speaking. When I sing it or ponder it during the sacrament, I try to picture Christ there by me, speaking these words. 2) It's just beautiful. The words bring such peace and strength to my soul.
I'm getting close to being ready to move on to step 7. I'm still a little stuck on "Change of Heart," though, because I don't know if my heart is fully changed or ready enough to move on. Like I have said, I am struggling with a lot of different trials right now. I have many things running through my mind, but the main thing is: do I accept Heavenly Father's will for me? Do I want to accept His will for me? Do I trust that He does what is best for me?
The answers to those questions are tricky. I like to think that I accept His will. I do want to accept His will, but sometimes (and I'm sure you can relate), I really don't like His will. Sometimes, I don't think it's best, and I don't want to do it anymore. I know deep down that Heavenly Father's will is the best. I know He sees what I cannot see, and therefore, I really shouldn't complain about His plan for me. But, still, it's hard. It's hard to accept something that you don't fully understand or see.
Sometimes I forget what the Atonement is all about. Sometimes, I forget that He suffered the pains I am suffering right now. Sometimes, I forget that He has felt this, and He did it willingly because He loves me. And, He would do it all again even if it were just for me.
I like this scripture it has in the "Study and Understanding" of step 6:
"Ye are little children and ye cannot bear all things now; ye must grow in grace and in the knowledge of the truth.
"Fear not, little children, for you are mine, and I have overcome the world. . ."
"And none of them which my Father hath given me shall be lost."
(D&C 50:40-42)
In that section, it tells us to re-write these verses so they are specifically addressed to us. When I did that, I felt so much peace and reassurance of God's love. These verses bring me a lot of hope and strength when I get discouraged. I am a child of God. I cannot bear all things now, and He knows I can't. But, He tells me not to fear because I am His, and He has overcome the world. If I am His, I won't be lost.
Step 7 is humility ("Humbly ask Heavenly Father to remove your shortcomings). Like I said when I started step 6, this step is preparatory to step 7. We just need to experience that change of heart and become "entirely ready to have God remove (our) character weaknesses."
I'm working on it. Some of my weaknesses, I don't really know how to live without. Living without some of my weaknesses is a scary thought. One of my weaknesses is anger. When I try to get rid of it, sometimes I still hold on because of silly reasons (for example, I want so-and-so to know what they did was wrong and really feel bad about doing that to me. etc.). So, I know I don't have to be perfect, but with my recent stresses and everything, I want to really feel like I am willing to give up my weaknesses before I move on to step 7 because I don't think doing it half-heartedly will get me anywhere.
Another one of my weaknesses is impatience. And. . . I really don't know how to get rid of that one lol. I need to keep praying and studying patience in the scriptures.
I hope you all have a great Sabbath!
"Reverently and Meekly Now" (LDS hymnbook #185) is one of my all time favorites! Verses 3 and 4 are the ones that really get me:
"Bid thine heart all strife to cease;
With thy brethren be at peace.
Oh, forgive as thou wouldst be
E’en forgiven now by me.
In the solemn faith of prayer
Cast upon me all thy care,
And my Spirit’s grace shall be
Like a fountain unto thee.
With thy brethren be at peace.
Oh, forgive as thou wouldst be
E’en forgiven now by me.
In the solemn faith of prayer
Cast upon me all thy care,
And my Spirit’s grace shall be
Like a fountain unto thee.
"At the throne I intercede;
For thee ever do I plead.
I have loved thee as thy friend,
With a love that cannot end.
Be obedient, I implore,
Prayerful, watchful evermore,
And be constant unto me,
That thy Savior I may be."
I love this hymn because 1) it is written as if Christ was speaking. When I sing it or ponder it during the sacrament, I try to picture Christ there by me, speaking these words. 2) It's just beautiful. The words bring such peace and strength to my soul.
I'm getting close to being ready to move on to step 7. I'm still a little stuck on "Change of Heart," though, because I don't know if my heart is fully changed or ready enough to move on. Like I have said, I am struggling with a lot of different trials right now. I have many things running through my mind, but the main thing is: do I accept Heavenly Father's will for me? Do I want to accept His will for me? Do I trust that He does what is best for me?
The answers to those questions are tricky. I like to think that I accept His will. I do want to accept His will, but sometimes (and I'm sure you can relate), I really don't like His will. Sometimes, I don't think it's best, and I don't want to do it anymore. I know deep down that Heavenly Father's will is the best. I know He sees what I cannot see, and therefore, I really shouldn't complain about His plan for me. But, still, it's hard. It's hard to accept something that you don't fully understand or see.
Sometimes I forget what the Atonement is all about. Sometimes, I forget that He suffered the pains I am suffering right now. Sometimes, I forget that He has felt this, and He did it willingly because He loves me. And, He would do it all again even if it were just for me.
I like this scripture it has in the "Study and Understanding" of step 6:
"Ye are little children and ye cannot bear all things now; ye must grow in grace and in the knowledge of the truth.
"Fear not, little children, for you are mine, and I have overcome the world. . ."
"And none of them which my Father hath given me shall be lost."
(D&C 50:40-42)
In that section, it tells us to re-write these verses so they are specifically addressed to us. When I did that, I felt so much peace and reassurance of God's love. These verses bring me a lot of hope and strength when I get discouraged. I am a child of God. I cannot bear all things now, and He knows I can't. But, He tells me not to fear because I am His, and He has overcome the world. If I am His, I won't be lost.
Step 7 is humility ("Humbly ask Heavenly Father to remove your shortcomings). Like I said when I started step 6, this step is preparatory to step 7. We just need to experience that change of heart and become "entirely ready to have God remove (our) character weaknesses."
I'm working on it. Some of my weaknesses, I don't really know how to live without. Living without some of my weaknesses is a scary thought. One of my weaknesses is anger. When I try to get rid of it, sometimes I still hold on because of silly reasons (for example, I want so-and-so to know what they did was wrong and really feel bad about doing that to me. etc.). So, I know I don't have to be perfect, but with my recent stresses and everything, I want to really feel like I am willing to give up my weaknesses before I move on to step 7 because I don't think doing it half-heartedly will get me anywhere.
Another one of my weaknesses is impatience. And. . . I really don't know how to get rid of that one lol. I need to keep praying and studying patience in the scriptures.
I hope you all have a great Sabbath!
Thursday, May 2, 2013
Christ can carry me
Today, I was thinking of one of our trials, and I started getting really irritated about it. I know, I know, me? Irritated? No way ;)
But seriously, I was super mad/annoyed at this trial because I feel like it's just not fair, and quite honestly, I am tired of things being hard. This particular trial is one that is getting really hard right now. It has been ongoing for a few months, but it is finally now that I am getting to the point where I don't know if I can keep holding on. For a second, I was kind of mad at God and expecting Him to take it away...
What am I doing right now? Well, I'm working on a change of heart. I have a lot of work to do still, obviously. But we all do. As I was thinking about this trial and reflecting on my attitude, I realized that now is not the time to turn away from God and be mad. He is shaping me into something only He sees, something better.
Now is the time in this trial where God is watching me to see what I do. Will I lean on Him more, or will I decide I am fed up and move on without faith?
I choose to lean on Him in faith. I choose to build my strength and become the good and faithful servant I want to be.
"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them" (Book of Mormon, Ether, Chapter 12, Verse 27).
I will turn my weaknesses over to The Lord so He can help care for me and make me stronger. Life is a journey. It's not easy. It isn't supposed to be easy. My trials are still hard, and some days I feel like I am in the middle if a marathon, but, if I let Him, Christ will carry me when I can no longer walk.
But seriously, I was super mad/annoyed at this trial because I feel like it's just not fair, and quite honestly, I am tired of things being hard. This particular trial is one that is getting really hard right now. It has been ongoing for a few months, but it is finally now that I am getting to the point where I don't know if I can keep holding on. For a second, I was kind of mad at God and expecting Him to take it away...
What am I doing right now? Well, I'm working on a change of heart. I have a lot of work to do still, obviously. But we all do. As I was thinking about this trial and reflecting on my attitude, I realized that now is not the time to turn away from God and be mad. He is shaping me into something only He sees, something better.
Now is the time in this trial where God is watching me to see what I do. Will I lean on Him more, or will I decide I am fed up and move on without faith?
I choose to lean on Him in faith. I choose to build my strength and become the good and faithful servant I want to be.
"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them" (Book of Mormon, Ether, Chapter 12, Verse 27).
I will turn my weaknesses over to The Lord so He can help care for me and make me stronger. Life is a journey. It's not easy. It isn't supposed to be easy. My trials are still hard, and some days I feel like I am in the middle if a marathon, but, if I let Him, Christ will carry me when I can no longer walk.
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