Happy

I promise I won't write a novel like I did in my last post... ha :)

BUT seriously?! Thank you all for reading it! I know it was long, and I really appreciate the feedback and support I received--in comments, emails, phone calls, and texts. Y'all are seriously the best!

I just wanted to take a quick minute to express how grateful and happy I am.

I have received so many tender mercies over the past week. To every single one of you who reached out to me in any kind of way, THANK YOU. To every single one of you who has been praying for me and Ben, THANK YOU. I have felt it. I feel very loved, both from earth (you) and Heaven.

A couple things that I want to share:

First of all, some things came up with Ben's future job, and he won't be leaving next Monday as planned. While that presents other potential problems, I am grateful to have a few extra weeks with him. Even though four months is a long time to be living without him (minus, of course, the times we are able to drive and visit each other), and I am grateful that it has become four months rather than five. Despite the other problems this latest development presents, I felt that it was a tender mercy. I was really stressing about him leaving, especially because, you guys, we have been doing so well over the past couple of weeks. I'm talking about our relationship. We are being more vulnerable with each other. We are communicating better. I feel strength. And I feel my love for him growing. The fact that I feel any love is better than where we were about a month ago.

The other thing I wanted to share with you is about the power of scripture study. Last semester, I really struggled with studying my scriptures because I was so tired in the mornings and couldn't get up. But then I was so tired from my long day at night, that my scripture study wasn't very fulfilling. It was usually just checking it off my list because I knew I needed to, but half the time I was too tired.

But this semester, I decided I will get up at 5:00 every day (okay, actually, I've been getting up at 5:07. But still) and shower, study my scriptures until 6:00, and then finish getting ready for school. There have been a couple of times that I cut my study a little short to take a quick power nap, but overall, I'm sticking to it. I've been dedicated, and I've certainly felt the power of putting God first every morning.

It excites me! I'm still fighting depression every day. I'm fighting demons. I'm fighting trauma. But I'm feeling more joy than I have in a long time, and I feel like I can make it.

That is all.

Oh wait, you can make it too! We're making it together.

Maybe it's also because I just got this bad boy in the mail last week. That does contribute to my strength. I feel powerful when I wear this shirt.

I'm laughing because I tried doing a flexing pose, but I just looked dumb. So I'll settle with my happy laughing face. Perfect for this post.


Do you feel like a room without a roof?

Feeling is Necessary to Healing

Against all odds, I have been happy(er) the past couple of days.

The thing that I think has made the most impact on my ability to be happy is allowing myself to feel.

I tend to push my feelings back or aside for many reasons. Sometimes that reason is fear: fear of the pain, or fear of addressing the pain and making Ben more depressed or suicidal. That may sound dramatic, but that is a real concern for me. Two years ago at Christmas, he told me he had been thinking of "making it easier on me" by killing himself (or leaving me. Two great options to make it easier). I'm always afraid that will happen if he gets depressed enough, especially if the root of his depression is the addiction and knowing how much he has hurt me. That was a downer, but I had to get it out. Sorry. Anyhoo...

Sometimes I push my feelings aside due to stress and lack of time: I don't have time to feel or don't want to take the time to feel and get depressed and have it throw off the other things in my life (mainly school--I can't afford for my groove to be thrown off at school). But mostly, I push my feelings back because they are painful, and I don't know how to cope with them very well. And, honestly? I don't want this to be happening to me. I think if I ignore that it's happening, it's not happening. Grrrrrr.

For the past two and a half years, I've allowed myself to feel for a short time, but then I tell myself to buck up and be a man. And I do. I'm the queen of bottling up emotion. I should have a crown. When I think I should be past feeling, I stifle the rest of the emotions that are there and get a move on. Then a few weeks or months down the road, I completely lose it and go crazy. It's a vicious cycle, my friends.

This time, I allowed myself to feel. I cried. I opened up to my bishop. I opened up to Ben. I took my ring off. I talked to my mentor teacher about things. I told some of my students (who expected me to have their tests graded the day after they took them. So not happening. I'm behind on grading) that I've been depressed and having some off weeks. I told the special-ed teacher (who is amazing and like a mom to me at school) that I'm depressed. And I ate a lot of homemade bread this week. I'm allowing the emotions to cycle through me, and I'm also doing things to help myself cope.

I'm taking my time. Because I'm not putting pressure on myself to overcome my feelings (I used to tell myself, okay, after a relapse, I should be willing and able to have sex, kiss, cuddle, etc within "x" amount of time) and am allowing my spirit to recover as it will, I'm actually feeling some joy. Two days after d-day. That is amazing to me!

I wish I could do more for myself, but I can't because I'm a first year teacher with four preps (next semester it will be five...), one of which is a catering class, and a club to run. I really don't have much time for self-care. But this week, I have made it somewhat of a priority (which has resulted in a lack of sleep, but I've been blessed to make it through that). I've written. I've studied scriptures. I've done some ADDO. I'm hoping to be able to paint a little bit sometime today or tomorrow.

It's still hard. I still feel an underlying sense of stress and anxiety. BUT I'm allowing myself to feel it when I need to. And that is making all the difference. I know I have to feel in order to heal, and I'm grateful for the blessings I have received while I have taken time to slow down and just feel.

Feeling is so important. It's scary.

BUT

Be brave.

Things I've Learned From High Schoolers

It feels like it has been ages since I have written (minus the phone meeting post). It's been almost a week. And holy cow, what a week it has been! I don't even really know what to say about it. There is so much I could say.

I survived the first week of school! Apparently the principals have been hearing good things about me from my students (and hearing good things while they sneakily listen outside my door, as I've found out). The nervousness has completely worn off, and I just feel pumped and ready to go! Actually, that was a lie. There are still things that make me nervous, but not nervous enough to really get into the details right now.

I've learned some valuable things about myself this week.

First, I have a great capacity to love. I mean, it's not like that is really new news. I already know that I have a big heart. But my heart is even bigger than I realized. I think I've done a good job at reaching out to my students and showing them my care for them is real. Every day on my way to school, I think about them. I think about the things they have told me about their lives and families. Some of their stories are heartbreaking. Most of my students come from divorced families. One of my students was held hostage by her dad when she was about 8. Some of my students have never met some of their siblings. Some of my students haven't seen one of their parents in years. I have many students who are or have been in the foster care system.

On the first day, I gave them a questionnaire about themselves, and one of the questions I asked was, "What are your expectations from me as your teacher?" I was surprised at how many of them said things like not to pick favorites, be fair to all the students in my class, and be aware of what is happening in the classroom. Apparently the world needs better teachers? I'm going to be a great teacher.

I also learned that I have the power to choose to be happy. That is something I have struggled with. Sometimes I get down, so down, and I don't know how to get up. I have written about how I sometimes feel controlled by Satan and yes, I do think that sometimes he controls me and maybe I can't choose to be happy in those moments. But, I know I have the Atonement, and I know that through the power of the Atonement I can choose to be happy.

This week was EXHAUSTING. Emotionally and physically. After the weekend with the couch incident, I thought it would be really hard to be at school. I knew I wouldn't get much time to spend with Jack. I knew there would be many challenges, emotionally and physically. Jack gave me a blessing on Sunday night, though, and it helped put things in perspective for me as I started the school year. When my feet hurt like crazy, I chose to be happy. When I was so tired I could barely think, I chose to be happy. When I got in arguments with my mom or husband, I chose to move on and be happy. When the morning started out rough, I chose to be happy. I was happy every day at school. Every single period, even the ones with my challenging students. I have felt an incredible amount of joy, and I feel amazing.

Even when I have gotten down, I've done the things I've known to do to lift myself up. When I've gotten down, I haven't let staying down be an option. I've listened to Conference talks, religious music, my favorite instrumentals, and my recovery playlist while driving. I've prayed when I can. I've read quotes on my LDS Wisdom app (which is really great for a quick pick-me-up).

I'm happy :)

 (so happy, that I may or may not have just had a dance party by myself to this song. actually, it might have been with my dog)

The last big thing I've learned is how to use the power of the Atonement. I definitely still don't feel like I am a pro at that. I still have growing to do. I still have work to do. I have many questions to be answered, and I know there will be times in the future when I will feel like I have absolutely no clue and will have to start learning the Atonement over. But I've used the Atonement in so many ways. The Savior has helped me with my physical pain. He has helped me with my emotional pain. When Jack has had relapses (because, of course, that is still happening in the background of my other life at school), I've felt overpowering peace. He has helped me choose to be happy. He has been by my side. He has helped me see the divine nature of each of my students. He has helped me feel love. He has helped me want to serve Him. He has helped me learn, even when I only have five to ten minutes to study my scriptures.

He is amazing.

Oh yeah, I've actually learned another thing. There is still good in the world. Even though we are fighting some serious battles with Satan, there is still good. I sometimes forget that. But I was more than reminded of that when I read two classes' responses to the question, "If you could make any difference in the world, what would you do and why?" They had some amazing, moving responses.