And now I will skip anything I wanted to say about this week (except for the fact that we moved out of my parents' house yesterday!!) and get to the heart of what I'm thinking and feeling today.
Yesterday, Jack and I were mad at each other for a good chunk of the morning. While I was driving home from getting the moving truck, I had an angry conversation with him in my head (so I had arguments ready if I had to defend my mood). It was during this time that I realized I had this unsettled feeling that he wasn't telling me something. I had that feeling a lot this week, but I never addressed it because I didn't want to deal with it. Plus, I didn't have anything other than the feeling that he wasn't telling me something.
He wrote about it on his blog. On Wednesday. My birthday. He thought I would read it. He hoped I would read it, but I didn't. I rarely have time to read any blogs except on Sundays when I catch up. Last night, we were finally alone in our new house, finally feeling some peace, when he asked if I read his blog. I hadn't, so I read his three-day old post. Old news for the rest of the blogging community, but fresh to me. He struggled all week.
My first reaction was crying because all the tension I felt about him not telling me something finally disappeared. And it validated my feelings. Then we both just sat and thought. I'm sure he was wondering what I would say/do and was a little afraid.
I feel so torn. I feel sad, a little mad, a little hopeless, but still full of hope. Yesterday, during the RS broadcast, I decided to turn over my anger, impatience, and fears over to God. That was before this discovery incident. That decision was based on all the negative feelings I had suffered all week long. Since then, I've felt much more peace and hope, and I felt more prepared to take in this fresh pain and turn to Christ.
But then I'm torn because I kind of want him to feel what I feel. I want him to understand what this is doing to me. And I feel sorry for him. I feel sad for him. He is really struggling and is afraid of what could happen to our marriage, and I really can't be encouraging right now. There is a line. I don't know what it is, but there is one. I am dedicated to keeping our marriage intact and upholding my covenants, but really how hard is he trying? I know there are victories for him in fighting the addiction, but the losses are what will destroy us and him.
He told me last night he doesn't want the addiction to define him. I told him it doesn't have to, but he has to choose that. Right now, he seems to be letting it define him. He has to fight hard. I have to fight hard. And we have to fight together.
Addiction sucks. It really does. I'm trying not to let this bring me down, but it's exhausting. Week after week. Day after day. When will I completely go crazy? It's bound to happen, right? I guess not if I can keep turning to the Atonement.
This is just hard. While I am grateful for how we have grown and the beauty that lies in our relationship, I do miss the innocence I thought we had.