Today, while driving home from work, I called my husband to ask him a brief question. Upon learning that he wasn't even at home, I asked him where he was (I thought he had gotten off work at least an hour before...). He had a visit with his counselor that he started seeing recently. I asked him how that went (and was a little annoyed that he didn't tell me he was going today, but that's not really relevant. And I guess it's possible that he did tell me and I forgot), and he started talking about things he was learning from his visits, specifically today.
Did you know it's possible that my husband has viewed child pornography? I hadn't ever thought of that before, but it is very possible. Just like it's possible that a 22 year old male could unknowingly have sex with a 16 year old female (who lied about her age and said she was 19 at the party they were both attending). True story. I learned it from my husband's counselor. He didn't name names, obviously, but told this very real story about one of his clients who is currently in jail for that very incident. Because the girl was a child.
Then it hit me, I wonder how often both parties know they are being filmed or photographed (because, in my mind, a child wouldn't agree to be filmed having sex. But, my values are different than most of the world's these days, so I'm only left to wonder). I wonder if he has viewed pornography where maybe the man or woman involved didn't even know they were being documented and that others were seeing them. Another very real possibility. I brought that up in our conversation, and he started talking about how most of the time they probably know. "Well, isn't that weird?" I asked. "Isn't it weird to just do that and know others will watch you?" "They probably don't care. They are probably getting paid, and they probably barely even know each other," was his response.
I let that sink in. They are probably getting paid and barely even know each other.
Yes, I know I'm naive. I know I'm new to this stuff. It's all infuriating.
So many thoughts rushed through my mind, and I finally settled on one: my spirit is offended. I couldn't really figure out why that offended me so, but it comes down to this--sex is sacred. Sex is very sacred to me. And the sanctity of sex is being trivialized. Many people would say that it shouldn't matter--what other people do with their sex has no impact on me, so it shouldn't matter. But it DOES MATTER. It has a very huge impact on me because what other people do with their sex has an impact on my husband and his actions and our relationship. It has a huge impact on the value and sanctity of what happens in my relationship with my husband.
I do realize that the things impacting my relationship do stem from his choices and my choice to stay with him. But still. Sex is sacred. The way society is turning sex into something of little value, making it casual and meaningless offends my spirit. Not in the "I'm offended so I hate the world" kind of way. It's just a little dagger to the heart. My spirit is sad at how the world is turning.
And...that's all. Sex is sacred and my spirit aches for the wickedness that is invading the world. Well, and my heart aches for my husband who has had yet another bad week. I'm really worried about him, actually. Addiction and depression are getting him down, and I'm afraid of the downward spiral that hopefully will not come in full force.
I also got a confession out of him tonight about more relapses lately. It was a small instant pain, but then I felt it swallowed up by the power of the Atonement with the other things I've been trying to turn over to Him lately. Small victory for me. I hope the peace I felt lasts and that I don't break down in a few days. But, hey, at least if I break down in a few days, it will be over the weekend and I won't have the fear of breaking down in tears in the middle of school :D